RIB Productions Proudly bring to you "Preemptive Pike" An ST:TNG Parody of "Preemptive Strike" By Robert I. Brayer 1:363/1701 -=- SCENE I (Ten-Forward. There is a party going on, Troi and Data are talking to Ro) Troi: It's so great to have you back! Data: Yes, it is too bad your movie career failed. (Ro breaks out into tears) Troi: Data, that's very insensitive! Data: It is also too bad your parents were slaughtered in a vicious weed-whacker incident. (Ro starts slamming her head into the table) Troi: DATA! Data: We have sympathy also for the fact that William Shatner said you were a good actor. Ro: That's it, I can't take it anymore! (Ro runs off screaming. Shatner steps out) Shatner: Hey, I resent that! Troi: Don't you mean...I...resent...THAT? Shatner: Shouldn't you be coughing up a hairball or feeling some disembodied entity? (Troi and Shatner disappear off-camera wrestling and screaming obscenities at each other) Data: Curious human behavior. I only spoke the truth. (Focus in on Ro, conversing now with Riker) Riker: Yes I heard about the incident with the eel, how did you ever get the tar off? Ro: Well, after I recovered from the blender incident, I ... (Picard's voice interrupts) Picard: Ro to the bridge, now! Ro: It's my party, and I'll stay if I want to. Picard: Now. Ro: Fine. (Ro exits. We see the hallway, Picard is there) Ro: Why did you ask me to go to the bridge? Picard: So I could escort you there! (Ro and Picard start walking) Ro: I really appreciated your recommendation into the Clown Academy... Picard: I thought you'd make a great Bozo... Ro: Well you know, I probably would have if it weren't for the fact that I have no sense of humor. Picard: Well at least you made it into that other school...what was it about again? Ro: Oh, it was tactical training for dealing with fish in space. Picard: Uh yes...I'm sure that should come in very useful here on the _Enterprise_... I cannot think of any time when we've...um...encountered any fish...but... (Suddenly we hear Riker on a combadge) Riker: Captain! We're being attacked by a giant pike! Picard: I'm on my way! Looks like you might get to use those skills! -=- SCENE II (The bridge. On the viewscreen is a gigantic pike. Ro and Picard enter) Picard: Ro, take your station- what's the situation Number One? Riker: The pike has threatened to destroy us if we do not comply with its orders... Picard: And those are? Riker: Clean it. Picard: Maybe Willie, my goldfish, can talk some sense into it... Ro: With all due respect, sir, let me talk to it... Picard: Put her through! Ro: Here fishie fishie...nice fishie... go away fishie fishie... (The fish turns and leaves) Picard: That's amazing! Ro: I took a course for doing just that, it's called 'Send dirty destructive fish away 101'. Riker: They teach such useless courses in colleges these days! Ro: Saved your hide, didn't it? Riker: Worf: . Captain, we are receiving a distress message from...a Cardassian Ship! Picard: Lock onto it and engage, Warp 8! Worf: ...What about the emergency warp rules? Picard: Like we ever intended to follow them! Worf: Good point. (The Enterprise spurts out into space and we see three or four supernovas behind it) Picard: Number One, you have the bridge, I'll be in my ready room finishing my entry in the RIB TREK Father's Day Coloring Contest. (Picard leaves.) Ro: What's with him? Troi: He's getting a little older...he needs his...amusements... Riker: He's a senile freak! Ro: I see. Troi: WILL! Data: I believe the Captain receives a certain amusement out of his craft. I will go and ask him about it. (Data gets up and walks to the ready room and...'knocks'. Picard is startled and colors out of the lines!) Picard: D'oh! Come! (Data walks in.) Data: Interesting, you seem to have ripped off a popular animation character. Picard: Data did you come here just to tell me all the TV shows and movies we've ripped off? Because I don't have that kind of time... Data: No sir, I came to ask you why you are coloring. Picard: When I get older, I want to buy a TV Station and be just like Ted Turner. Data: Sir? Picard: Because I'm bored! Data: I see. By the way we're here. Picard: I can't ever get anything done on this ship... (Picard and Data walk back out onto the bridge) Riker: Sir- two Federation ships are attacking the Cardassians! Picard: They know we have a treaty!! Hail them! Worf: - no response sir... Picard: Fire on them. I never thought I'd be defending the Cardassians from the Federation! Worf: - They are disengaging! Picard: Hail the Cardassians...This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard, we stand ready to help your ill if you have any. Cardassian: You're the ill one...you're a 60 year old coloring contest champion! Picard: Oh shut up! -=- SCENE III (Picard's Ready Room...Admiral Itch walks in...she looks amused) Picard: Hello Admiral Itch! Itch: What did you call me!? Picard: Umm...nothing...have a seat! Itch: Alright... I hope you won't try to bribe me with food this time. Picard: Actually no...good hard cash... Itch: That's better. (Picard pulls out a stack of twenties) Picard: Now can you get me in good with the producer? I want to win the next coloring contest. Itch: You got it. Now... The Maquis are a band of good guys defending the Federation from the Evil Cardassians against our treaty rules, therefore it is your job to take them out. Picard: Uhh... Itch: We want you to send Ro to kick their butt. Picard: Explain, Itch. (Itch slaps Picard) Itch: STOP CALLING ME THAT! She will be an undercover chick that will lead us right to them! Picard: No problem, Admiral Itch...I'll carry out your orders. (Itch storms out.) Picard: What a funny Admiral. Troi: I sense... a stupid joke. Picard: It's always good to be self-aware. -=- SCENE IV (Ro's room.) Ro: You want me to go undercover and bring in a group of people who are attacking the group of people I hate the most? Picard: Exactly. Ro: I want candy. Picard: You get two bars! Ro: Three. Picard: Two. Ro: DEAL! Now tell me the plan. Picard: You're to sneak into a bar... Ro: Why don't I just go in the door? Picard: Shut up! I'm making the plans here! Sneak into a bar... sneak up on the bartender and grab a drink, then sneak some money into his pocket. Then sneak over to the back of the room and make out with an alien. That should do it. Ro: But how do I do it without being seen? Picard: We give you this... (Picard gives Ro a cutout of an eight foot-tall tree for her to stand behind.) Ro: Oh this is going to fool a lot of people! Picard: It's MY plan! Now stand still while I finish coloring it in! -=- SCENE V (A bar. We see several trees all around. One starts to move... It's RO! She sneaks behind the bartender and mixes a drink then tries to slip him some cash) Bartender: HEY! What the?! No tips lady! Tree: I'm not a lady...I'm an eight-food redwood. Bartender: Oh...well in that case... (The tree sneaks to the back of the room and sits down next to an alien.) Alien: So...come here often? (Riker and Worf burst in) Worf: ! Riker: ! Have you seen THIS person!? (Riker pulls out a milk carton with Ro's face on it!) Bartender: Umm... I think so... (A guy with a funny look in his eyes turns around) Guy: What did she do? Riker: She ate a Cardassian! Worf: . Guy: What's with him? Riker: He just ate a Cardassian. Guy: So why are you looking for her? She's not here anyway. Riker: Hey you're right...You're under arrest! (Riker slaps cuffs on Worf and walks out) Worf: (We see the Alien snuggle up to the tree and start making out with it, Ro walks up to the guy.) Ro: So... why did you save me? (The Alien looks at Ro and then at the tree then back again...he spits out wood.) Alien: Blargh! Get me a beer! Guy: Anyone who eats a Cardassian is OK by me! Ro: Who are you? Guy: I'm that guy with the funny look in my eyes! Ro: What kinda name is that? Guy: Don't ask me, ask the damned author, we extras never get any good names! Itch?! GUY!?? CARDASSIAN!? What kinda identity crisis does this RIB guy have anyway?! Oh by the way, I'm going to have to knock you out now. (The guy needles Ro with...A NEEDLE!) Ro: You could have at least let me finish my drink. (Ro slumps to the floor) -=- SCENE VI (A room. Ro wakes up facing an old man, some lady and that guy) Old Man: So...you ate a Cardassian? Ro: Who are yoU!? Old Man: I'm Old Man, that there is Some Lady and that's That Guy...Great names!! Some Lady: We're the Maquis. Ro: Maybe I can prove my loyalty to you by stealing med supplies from the Federation. Old Man: That and by making me your legendary SPAM STEW! I heard you're the best at it! Ro: From who? Old Man: Your dead dad. (Ro screams in frustration) Ro: I won't be upset when they kill you now! Old Man: -=- SCENE VII (The Enterprise Bridge) Worf: Sir we are receiving a hail from some large ship in distress! Picard: Go to it, Worf- Warp 7! Tear up the universe! (The Enterprise blasts off leaving tears in space) Worf: Now arriving...Sector Bob. Data: Sir it does not appear there is a ship at the prearranged coordinates. It appears, however, that there is a small ship trying to sneak up our rear and... Riker: Trying to sneak up our rear... what is this...prison!? (All stare at Riker) Picard: For making another terrible joke, you are hereby demoted... Riker: What!? Who's the new first officer!? Picard: Ro! Riker: She's not here! Picard: Fine, you can stay, but don't do it again! Data: Sir, it appears they are attempting to transfer medical supplies! Riker: Let's hope they take Crusher also! (Dr. Crusher storms in) Crusher: I'll have you know, I'm a fine doctor! (We hear a beep.) Crusher: One moment...that's my beeper... Kaya: Uh...when you stormed out your sixteen patients bit it. Crusher: What kind of medical talk is that? Kaya: What kind of medical BEHAVIOR is that? Crusher: It's all part of the new Clinton Health Care Plan... Kaya: Oh by the way- we lost all our equipment. Crusher: Even the cutesy bandages with stars!? Kaya: All of them. Crusher: Argh! As I was saying...I'm a great...Uh...I'll just be leaving now. (Crusher leaves) -=- SCENE VIII (The Observation Deck...Ro is talking to Picard) Picard: We want you to lead them...right into a trap! Ro: But they're my pals... I won't mind if you get the old man though... Picard: Ok- tell them that Mcdonald's is having a special on fish... then lead them right to the one in the middle of the Baraka sector...we'll be waiting at the drive-through window... Ro: I don't feel too good about this... Picard: Ok... I've got it... tell them we're having a 'Torture The Cardassian' day... they'll all come and we'll arrest them! Ro: No... that won't work... Picard: Hmm...Try this... -=- SCENE IX (The room. An old man, some lady and that guy are present along with a newcomer... weird looking fellow.) Weird Looking Fellow: You want us to walk right into a trap!? Ro: Well...if you could, it'd make my job so much easier. Old Man: You know, being honest is not a good characteristic in a spy! Ro: I'm not a spy! Some Lady: That's better! Ro: Look...There's an all-you-can-kill Cardassian Buffet at 'Loser House'...I say we check it out! That Guy: I don't know...sounds too good to be true! Old Man: I want my Spam Stew before I do anything. Ro: Oh shut up! (Suddenly four Cardassians leap out of no where and start shooting! Old Man goes down!) Announcer: Old Man is down! And he looks up...and spits at the camera! What's this guy's problem!? Old Man: I'm shot, ok? (Ro kicks him in the head) Ro: So there. (The people secure and fight off the Cardassians, Old Man croaks.) Ro: Haha. I told you I wouldn't care. -=- SCENE X (The Bar. A tree and a dolphin are conversing at a table) Ro: This outfit is ridiculous! Picard: How'd you like to be dressed up as Darwin!? Ro: More than this! (The Alien who kissed a tree walks by and sticks his tongue out at Ro) Ro: You just got splinters! I'm a dang tree. Picard: I don't trust you. I'm sending Riker along for the ride. Ro: In that case I'm leaving the Federation! Picard: What!? You can't do that! Ro: Of course I can! Picard: Yes, but not before the gripping conclusion! Ro: Screw the 'gripping' conclusion. I'm outta here. (Ro leaves) Picard: I didn't even get a kiss. Alien: Don't feel so bad, it's not so great. -=- SCENE XI (The Bridge) Picard: Captain's Log...RIBDate Unknown... we have...lost our gripping conclusion and must make up a nonsensical new one. Riker: Captain, fourteen Romulans decloaking off the starboard bow! Picard: Q! You've gone too far this time! (Q appears) Q: You can never go too far! (Scotty appears) Scotty: Aye, Captain, you're screwed this time. Picard: No! I've got my super-secret phaser array warfare weapon! Geordi how long would it take to set up? Geordi: 14 hours sir. Picard: How long do we have? Worf: 14 seconds. Picard: Signal our surrender... Riker: WHAT!? Picard: Just kidding. Worf... do your WORST! (Worf blows up all the ships.) Troi: I sense a sucky conclusion. Picard: Oh blow it out your... -=- Announcer: Next week- THE GRIPPING DOUBLE LENGTH SERIES FINALE OF RIB TREK: THE NEXT HALLUCINATION!! TUNE IN OR TURN ON OR DROP OUT OR SOMETHING! -=-