RIB Productions Proudly bring to you "Parahells" An ST:TNG Parody of "Parallels" By Robert I. Brayer 1:3603/1701 -=- SCENE I (A shuttlecraft. Worf is alone and begins to record a log entry.) Worf: Log. Stardate 47...I have just returned from a whining competition. The opposition was fierce, but I told the story about my sash being made into a plaid shirt and won the competition. I got this trophy. (Worf holds up a trophy of a mouth blazed with gold. Suddenly, the whole shuttle shakes) Worf: Worf to Enterprise...Worf to Enterprise! Picard: Yes... Lieutenant... we lost contact with you for a second there, are you alright? Worf: Er...yeah...fine... Picard: Good, see you on board. -=- SCENE II (Riker and Worf are walking down a corridor, talking) Riker: And we'll have to redirect the phasers through the food dispensers...so make sure no one on our ship orders italian too early in the morning, they'd end up extra crispy... Worf: Yes, Commander... ...Umm... you know that today is a specific day... Riker: Yeah, it's Thursday... Worf: No......I mean you do know it's my birthday...I hope you did not set up what you humans call a "surprise party." Riker: Absolutely not! I know how much you detest those sort of things... I felt that you'd probably want to spend the day at work... Worf: ...Quite true Commander... (The two get to the door and enter) Riker: I'll see you on your shift, Worf. Worf: You cannot fool me, Commander, I know that you have an elaborate party staged for me as soon as I walk in. Riker: I'm telling you, I did NO SUCH THING. Worf: Oh come on, parties are such a great opportunity to wake up some of the regularly sleeping viewers...they actually see some of the characters acting interesting... Riker: Too bad I didn't do it then. (Riker leaves. Worf walks into his cabin and starts looking again) Worf: A Klingon spies...with his big fat eye... AN ENEMY ASSASIN! (Suddenly a man with a dagger steps out) Man: Aw you found me! Worf: Nice try, now go away! (The Man implodes) Worf: A Klingon spies...with his big fat eye... a big surprise party! (Suddenly a large man with an uzi steps out) Large Man: No, I'm not a surprise party, but I guess I fall into the category of enemy assasin so I'll leave now. (The large man implodes. Picard walks in) Picard: Worf...what are you doing? Worf: ... trying to find my surprise party, I am also eliminating the people in my room who seek to kill me. Picard: But there's no one here. Worf: That may be so...to the untrained eye! But my warrior skills are so great I see at least two-hundred and forty-seven murderers all clustered under my bed waiting for me. Picard: That's ridiculous! (Suddenly one man climbs up from under Worf's bed) Climbing Man: Aw shucks, he found us...let's go bother Data... (Suddenly two-hundred and forty-six others come crawling out of the bed and file out the door, after a certain amount have passed Picard shrugs and continues his conversation) Picard: Wow. That's really good... (Suddenly Worf stumbles and shakes his head a little) Picard: WORF! Are you ok? Worf: Uh yes...I got dizzy suddenly... (Suddenly all around Worf is a bunch of people having a party) Worf: What?! How did you all get here? Riker: We're having a surprise party for Captain Picard! Picard: But Will, I'm already here. Riker: Well then screw the surprise... Worf: But it's _MY_ birthday, not his. Riker: What? Darnit we already got the entertainment ...for Captain Picard... Announcer: And now our guest speaker...Dr. Job Frankenfreak.... Frankenfreak: And now my thirteen-hour dissertation on the mating habits of the natives of planet Winnebago, a world composed completely of mollusks, totally dominated by the stronger, larger live-in trucks... Worf: AGH!!! (Worf turns and looks at Picard who is looking at the floor...he begins to shake and then regains his bearings. Suddenly...he's at a Mets game) Announcer: 3-2 Mets... bottom of the ninth... and suddenly ...there's a KLINGON ON THE FIELD!? A Klingon has somehow managed to get on the field...and the umpire's going over to talk to him... oh no it doesn't look like the Klingon's happy...there it is...ouch! He ate the umpire...ladies and gentlemen he _ATE_ the umpire... (Focus in on Worf, Picard walks in out of no where.) Picard: Get the heck out of here! (Worf shakes a bit again and regains his bearings... he is back in his quarters...but no one is there. He sighs. Then Worf hears a signal from the door) Worf: ! Who is it!? Data: It is Data, why have you set your door in lock mode? Let me in, Worf. Worf: ...why shouldn't I? And here... (Worf lets Data in.) Data: How strange, Lieutenant... (Data looks around) Worf: ...is there something you WANT? (Data looks puzzled) Data: You are acting out-of-pattern today, intriguing... (Data walks on towards Worf's bed and sits down on it.) Worf: Commander!? Data: You appear tense, Lt., come here and sit down... (Worf looks puzzled... he walks over and looks around) Data: What are you looking around at, Lt? Worf: I am looking for a surprise party... (Suddenly we hear Riker's voice) Riker: GIVE IT UP ALREADY! Worf: (Worf sits down, Data starts rubbing his back, Worf leaps up) Data: Is something the matter? Worf: YES! Don't you think this is inappropriate? (Data looks confused) Data: Not considering that we are engaged. Worf: ENGAGED!!?!? Data: You do not remember us falling in love and getting engaged? Worf: NO!! Data: That is because we did not. The writers decided to be politically correct and put a gay character on the show. They settled on you. Since I have no sexual preference they used me as the partner, as they wanted only one of these. Then we got engaged. Worf: NO!! It can't be true! (Suddenly Picard's head pops out from under the bed and stares at Worf) Picard: But it is! (Suddenly Worf shakes and after he refocuses his eyes he is in a different place.) -=- SCENE III (Bridge. Riker and Picard are in the middle of a tense situation, on the viewscreen is a Romulan ship firing... ) Riker: Mr. Worf...FIRE! Worf: ...huh? Riker: I said...FIRE! Worf: WHERE!?!? (Worf grabs a fire extinguisher and starts spraying the entire bridge in random directions) Riker: Oh for RIB's sakes... (Riker gets up and goes to do it himself...the ship is rocked with another blast. Data turns around and his face is covered with white fluid from the fire extinguisher) Data: It would appear soon that they have retreated for no apparent reason. Picard: A close call! Geordi... what's the condition of the engines? Geordi: Fine sir... Picard: Guinan...what's the condition of the bar... Guinan: All's clear sir... Picard: Great...everyone...let's go! Except for you Worf, I want to keep you after for being a bad student. (The entire bridge files out except for Picard and Worf...) Picard: Worf! I expected you to be a better officer than that! Worf: ...well sir...all the controls were fake! I just grabbed the first thing that seemed to make sense... Picard: ...if only the writers did that... Worf: What do you mean? The writer is a noble, good deity. Picard: We have many writers, or didn't you know? Worf: ...wait a second...I think I know where I am now...hey this set is fake! (Worf rips out a seat.) Worf: Hey...those are cameras...oh! You're... Picard(TM)! The real thing, the real guy. The boring guy. Picard(TM): Why yes I am...have we met? Worf: Sort-of... What am I doing here? Picard(TM): I don't know...let me see if you're alright... (Picard(TM) leans in and looks close at Worf, doing so he exposes his head to Worf...Worf shakes a little and the scene changes.) -=- SCENE IV (A conference room. Gathered round are Wesley, Tasha Tar, Miles O' Brien, Ensign Ro and Frank Sinatra) Worf: ... Hey...what are all of you doing here!? Wesley: What are you talking about!? Worf: All of you are off the show now... Sinatra: Not me...! Worf: You don't count! Data: Perhaps you are experiencing a quantum fissure effect and are transfering from universe to universe every time you expose yourself to a certain stimuli. Worf: Naw, that can't be it. Data: Just a guess. (Suddenly Picard walks in) Picard: Ok crew, this will be our last mission together... Worf: WHY!? Picard: We've been bought out by Microsoft...Bill Gates found out we had good computers. Worf: The bastard. Picard: Lt...have you seen my new head tatoo? Worf: !? (Picard leans over and Worf shakes when he regains his bearings, he is in a completely different place...) -=- SCENE V (RIB Productions Headquarters. An executive conference room, Worf stares around in confusion) Executive#1: Our profit margin for December went way down... Executive#2: Maybe it was that nude photo shot RIB did for Playgirl...I'd stay away if I were a reader after that... Worf: ?! Leader: Mr. Worf...do you have a comment? I realize you are new on the creative team. Worf: ...where am I? Leader: OOoh...you must be trapped in a quantum fissure! Worf: That's what Data said...but he couldn't have been right. Leader: Oh...by the way...Surprise. (The lights go off and on and six hundred people with party hats and pieces of cake appear out of no where) Worf: ! I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW THERE WAS A SURPRISE PARTY!! DAMN THAT RIKER! (Suddenly Riker walks out) Riker: Look Worf, I'm on break from my universe to tell you that IT WASN'T ME!! Worf: Well then who planned it? Riker: I don't know, but you're trapped in a quantum fissure, and all the universes are gonna collapse unless you come with me. Worf: I would, but since you planned this surprise party... (Worf walks away, walks right into Picard and shakes a bit...) -=- SCENE VI (France. We won't go into it.) -=- SCENE VII (Vegas. Elvis impersonation, wild applause. We'd go into it, but we lack the creative ability. Plus Worf won't let us.) -=- SCENE VIII (The Enterprise. Finally. Worf's quarters. Data walks in) Worf: If you say we're engaged I will have to break you, Commander. Data: I will not say so. Do you believe me yet? Worf: Fine, I'm caught in a quantum fissure, you win. Data: That means I get to sing... THE HILLS ARE ALIVE....WITH THE SOUND...OF MUSIC... Worf: ! Data: I am sorry, Worf, ever since that Disney incident... Worf: That wasn't Disney. Data: It may as well have been. Worf: So how do I get back to my universe? Data: Well, first, was there anything present everytime you saw things change? Worf: No. Data: Think back... Worf: Picard's head. Data: That must be it. The glare from his head has apparently been the cause of altering your quantum-menudo signature to make you really messed up. Worf: I understand. Data: No you do not. Worf: I don't. But I don't care... how do I get back? Data: Use the ruby slippers. Worf: ? Data: You do have the ruby slippers, do you not? Worf: No. Data: I suppose you are screwed then. Worf: There must be another way... (Suddenly we hear Picard on Data's comlink) Picard: Data, what is going on out there? Data: Where? Picard: Space. Data: I do not know sir, let me look out a window. (Data walks over to a window) Data: It would appear, sir, that thousands of Enterprises are appearing in the sector seemingly at random. Picard: Thank you Data, I don't know what I would do without your insight. Data: You are quite welcome sir. Picard: Get to the bridge, quick. Bring Worf. Worf: -=- SCENE IX (The Enterprise bridge. Or one of them. Somewhere, preferably on the Enterprise, and hopefully...on a bridge. Data and Worf burst onto the scene, Picard turns around) Picard: What is the meaning of this!? Data: Well sir... Worf: I can explain, sir! Picard: Then do it! Worf: I have no ruby slippers and I lost my surprise party. Picard: Oh well why didn't you just _SAY_ so? Data: It seems, sir, that Lt. Worf has been caught in a quantum fissure and may be responsible for the destruction of the multiverse. Riker: I say we kill him. Troi: WILL! Riker: It was just an idea! Picard: We must find a way to return Worf to his proper reality...whatever _THAT_ is. Worf: Sir we are recieving a hail... Picard: On screen. (On the screen appears Captain Picard) Captain Picard: WORF! Thank RIB we've found you! In your abscence we had to use Frank Sinatra as our security chief! Sinatra: It's a dirty job...but hey! Worf: I am ready to return Captain. Data: There is one small problem. Both Picards At Once: WHAT? Data: We must return all of these Enterprises to their proper places. Picard: How do we do that? Data: We find the ruby slippers. Sinatra: Ruby slippers? Why didn't you tell me you needed those? I've been using them to keep my feet warm...here... (Frank Sinatra, on the viewscreen, gives Captain Picard the slippers) Announcer: And all was well in reality. Data: Wait, what about the romantic follow-up with Worf and myself? Announcer: In the interests of good taste, the writer of this parody has decided to omit that scene. Data: Good taste? Announcer: In the interests of being lazy, the writer of this parody has decided to omit that scene. Riker: Finally...truth in advertising. -=- NEXT WEEK: RIKER MUST HOLD BACK AN IMPORTANT SECRET FROM HIS OWN CAPTAIN! A SECRET THAT COULD CHANGE FOREVER THE BALANCE OF POWER IN TEN-FORWARD BARROOM BRAWLS!! Be there. -=- * OLX 2.1 TD * That was setting 1. Want to see setting 2? -Guinan