Star Trek: The Next Generation
                     "The Romulan/Federation Peace Treaty"
                               by Brandon Staggs
                               FidoNet 1:207/603
                               revised 08/05/93

        "Captain's Log, stardate 47151.9. We have just completed our
mission to Vulcan and are returning to Starbase 21 for repairs. Our
replicators won't make Earl Grey tea the right way anymore.  I don't
care if Starfleet needs us at the Neutral Zone. I want my tea. They
never got on my case for my little personal ventures before, and they
shouldn't now. And who cares if they do? I'm Captain Picard. Jean Luc
Picard. I'm famous. I can do whatever I want."
        Picard tapped the console. It chirped, and flashed "saved" on
the monitor. "Computer..." he said, as some more annoying noises which
couldn't be considered anything more than somewhat arranged high-pitched
static that serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever sounded from some
hidden speaker somewhere. "Locate Commander Riker." Some more annoying
static.
        "Commander Riker is located in Ten Forward."
        Picard left his ready-room and went into the turbo-lift, the
doors whispering sweet nothings in his ear behind him. "Ten Forward,"
he barked at the computer. He didn't say please... he HATED it when
someone would say "please" to a computer. The computer had no feelings,
and there is no point in saying please!
        Picard walked into Ten Forward. Guinan gave him her typical
"something's wrong" look. Riker was hitting on some ensign with long
black hair.
        "Commander." Picard yelled across the room. Riker jumped to his
feet, smiled at the young ensign, straightened his shirt like he always
does, and walked to Picard. "Will, we will be arriving at Starbase 21
in an hour. I seem to recall that we will be taking on some new
scientist. What was her name?"
        "Dr. Julie Banhizer."
        "Doctor who?"
        "No, Dr. Who is on a different channel. Dr. Julie Banhizer."
        "What do you know of this Dr. Banhizer?"
        "She's got quite a nice body. She has brown hair and blue eyes.
I've heard that she--"
        "Why is she coming onto the Enterprise?" Picard interrupted.
        "Oh, yeah. Apparently she is to replace our old Borg expert.
You know, the one who went loony and got himself killed when he told
Worf that combat is irrelevant."
        Picard remembered. Worf was supposed to be court-martialed but
he let him off the hook because Worf was only defending his culture,
and the doctor was a white human male. Ever since Paramount was taken
over by liberals, he had to be politically correct or he'd lose his
job. He already got his pay cut by thirty percent when he accidently
said "to boldly go where no man has gone before." The writers
officially changed the phrase to "to boldly go where no one has gone
before" when the National Organization for Women filed sexual
discrimination charges against the United Federation of Planets.
Apparently, they had financial backing from the GCLU (Galactic Civil
Liberties Union) who had already won a racial discrimination case
against the UFP during the casting of Deep Space Nine, when Paramount
didn't meet their race quotas and had a white male casted in Commander
Sisko's slot.
        "Thank you, Commander. Dismissed." Riker ran off to the other
side of Ten Forward to hit on some new blond.
        An hour later, the Enterprise arrived at Starbase 21. After
their business was done there, and Picard got his tea just the way he
liked it, the Enterprise left, headed towards the Neutral Zone.
        "Are your quarters satisfactory?" Data asked Banhizer.
        "Yes, they are, thank you."
        Data's thermal sensors registered a slightly above-normal
temperature in the room. "Are you hot?" Data courteously asked.
        "Am I hot? SECURITY!" Two brainless masses of muscle ran in the
door in no time. "Have this man put in the brig for sexual harassment!"
        "Sexual harassment? I am an android. I don't have those types of
emotions."
        "I don't care if you're a Q. This is the twenty-fourth century.
Men can't treat women like sex objects anymore."
        All of a sudden, someone who vividly resembled John DeLancie
appeared out of thin air. "Did someone call me?"

[Insert MCI commercial here]

        "Captain Picard! Get down here right away!" Picard walked in.
Data wondered how he was always able to just get up from his work and go
wherever someone wanted him.
        "What the hell do you want now, Q?" Picard snapped.
        "Merely to check up on my friends! I see you are on yet
another... shall we say... exploration mission? to the Neutral Zone?
Gonna play cat and dog with the good ol' Romulans? You are such a
savage race. Really, Picard," Q continued, emphisizing the "pic" in
Picard, "I should expect more of you!"
        "We are on a diplomatic mission." Picard explained. "Our
mission is one of peace. We seek out new life, new civilizations, and
boldly go where no one has boldly gone before."
        "Spare me the philosophical B.S., Picard. It's old, and I'm
sure the viewers are sick and tired of hearing the same old 'humanity
isn't savage anymore' speeches every episode, when everyone knows that
human civilization is going to hell in a handbasket. Besides, the
ratings prove that people get more of a kick out of the blood-and-gore
type of stuff. It's obvious. Paramount has run into some financial
difficulties and decided to write a few more fighting episodes."
        "What's your point, Q? We have work to do."
        "Don't let me get in the way, Jean Luc. I thought someone
called me. I've got other lifeforms to terrorize. You're not fun
anymore." With that, Q disappeared into thin air.
        As if on cue, the entire ship shuddered and came to an abrupt
halt in space. "Bridge, what was that?" Picard yelled.
        "A Borg ship appeared out of nowhere and put a tractor beam on
us and yanked us out of warp," Worf replied. Worf sounded very confident
and eager. Yeah, right. Everyone knows that under all of that burliness
there is a nice boy who wants to come out and play. Worf's warlike
attitude is really a cover for his true feelings. Worf really wants to
fly and be free. He wants to experience everything he possibly could.
He wants to hug trees. He's probably even a closet homosexual.
        Picard and Data raced to the bridge, followed by Dr. Banhizer.
But just when they stepped out of the turbo-lift, the Borg transported
Picard, Data, Banhizer, Riker and Troi onto the Borg ship. (What is the
ship's counselor doing on the bridge, anyway? Why not the ship's health
expert, while we're at it?)
        They all materialized before a tall Borg, who immediately spoke.
"I am Vaktus, Borg liaison to the Humans. We're still trying to find a
way to assimilate you. Resistance is futile. Any questions?"
        Riker raised his hand. "Are there any female Borgs on this ship?"
        "Sexual urges are irrelevant." Vaktus replied.
        Troi's bladder had filled to capacity, and she really needed
relief. "May I use the restroom?" she asked.
        "Urination is irrelevant. Defecation is futile. You will be
assimilated."
        "Q!" Picard yelled, about ready to cry. "Q... we need your help.
I need your help." He was really groveling this time. What was this,
the fourth time he'd said this?
        Q appeared. "Must I always get you out of your messes? Does
your mommy make your bed for you? Very well, if I must..." Q snapped
his fingers, and everything was back to normal. They were all back on
the bridge of the Enterprise. "By the way," Q said," have I mentioned
that you are such a savage race?" With that, Q vanished.
        "Continue towards the Neutral Zone," Picard ordered.
        "Yes, sir," the helmsperson answered.
        Two hours later, the Enterprise arrived at the Neutral Zone.
In front of them was a Romulan Warbird, poised for battle.
        "Hail them!" Picard ordered.
        A Romulan commander appeared on the viewscreen. "Let's not
waste any time here. We have a script to stick to. The viewers want to
see some nifty high-tech combat scenes, not your boring diplomatic
skills."
        "Very well." Picard turned towards Worf, who looked very
pleased. "Raise shields, ready phasers, and arm torpedoes."
        Worf tapped a few buttons. "Shields at maximum. All weapons at
ready."
        "Lock on target."
        Just then the Romulan ship fired a round of torpedoes. They
rocked the ship.
        "Minor damage to forward and starboard shields. Phasers and
torpedoes now locked on target, Captain."
        "Fire!"
        Worf fired. This kind of stuff continued for about five
minutes. The battle was going nowhere. They needed a real diplomat, a
real peacemaker.
        Just then, Rodney King materialized on the bridge of the
Enterprise with a very concerned look on his face. From behind tears,
he said, "Can't we all get along?"
        The Romulans hailed the Enterprise. Apparently, the same vision
had occurred on the Romulan bridge. The Romulan commander spoke first.
        "Picard, let's make a peace treaty."
        Picard thought for a while. "Okay."
        From that point on, the Romulan Star Empire and the United
Federation of Planets lived in perfect peace with one another.
                                                       
                                                        
        The End.