THE ULTIMATE JOKES BOOK What's the difference between a golf course and intercourse? Intercourse has the hole in the middle of the rough. What do you get with 5 Puerto, 1 Chinese and 5 blacks? A Lawn sprinkler. spic-spic-spic-spic-spic-chink-niger-nigger-nigger-nigger-nigger How did Helen Keller's parents torment her? They left the plunger in the toilet. What is the difference between a wild boar hog and a woman experiencing PMT? lipstick. What is the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMT? You can talk to the terrorist. What do ya call a Mexican with Half a brain? Gifted. Hear what happened when Helen Keller fell into a well? She screamed her hands off. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? No, Good. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery. A sinner goes to hell and is given his choice of rooms in which to spend eternity. In the first room everyone is standing on his head, with snakes nibbling at their faces, so he decides not to choose it. In the second room everyone is also on their heads, with rats gnawing on their faces, and he obviously does not want that. In the third room, everyone is standing around, waist-deep in excrement, drinking coffee. The man's choice was the third room. He was offered a cup of coffee, and stood around with the others. After a couple of minutes, a bell rang and the devil said, "Okay, guys, coffee break's over. Everyone back on their heads." There was once a constipated mathematician, he worked it out with a pencil. And it came out in logs. This Big guy (mike) walks into a bar with a little guy (guy) on his shoulder. Mike walks up to the bar and orders a Manhattan, the bartender brings it to him, Guy jumps off Mikes shoulder onto the bar and kicks over the Manhattan. Mike gives him a dirty look and asks the bartender to bring him another one, The bar tender brings it to him and sets it on the bar, Guy jumps off Mikes shoulder again and This time he pisses in the Manhattan. Mike looks at the Guy and mumbles something about not getting a damn drink today. And asks the bartender to bring him a ham and cheese sandwich in Rye. The bartender says okay and brings it to him, sets it on the bar. Guy jumps off Mikes shoulder again, he throw the top piece of bread over his shoulder sits on the sandwich and shits on it, then kicks it to the floor. The bartender walks over to Mike and says "I know this is none of my business but where did you get that asshole?"...Mike tells him "I was cleaning the attic last weekend where I came across this brass lantern, I thought what the hell, and I rubbed it...0ut came a Genie and said I could have one wish... so I thought about it, and responded that I wanted a 12 inch prick. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand? So she can "moan" with her right hand. How does Miss Piggy answer the phone? I can't talk now, I have a frog in my throat. What does a girl say after an orgasm? You mean you don't know? I didn't think you would. What's the only advantage to having Alzheimer's Disease? You can hide your own Easter Eggs. What does a homosexual call a used rubber? A seal-a-meal. How do you determine you have had a good blowjob? By how far you need to pull the sheets out of your bum. How many babies does it take to change a light bulb? None, they don't have the motor sensory nerves, nor the hand eye coordination to complete such a task. What is written on the bottem of a Irish Coke bottle? Open other end. I am self edjokated. A guy walks into a tattoo shop and said "I want a replica of a $ 100 bill tattooed onto my pecker." When the artist asked why he wanted such a thing the guy replied, "I have three reasons: First, I like to hold on to my money, second, I like to watch my money grow, and third, when my wife blows $100, I want to enjoy it too!" So there was a man with a severe penis infection. He was in extreme pain, and in an effort to relieve himself, he went to seek the advice of a doctor. He arrived at Dr. Jones office and was escorted into the back room. After a brief examination, Dr. Jones solemnly told the man that his appendage must be cut off. 'No Way!' He told the doctor. 'I'm gonna get a second opinion.' but alas, Dr. Smith also told him the same thing... and as you might expect, Dr. White's diagnosis was the same. In a last desperate attempt, the man consulted the yellow pages and found Dr. Wong, who advertised simple and painless procedures for almost any ailment. He arrived at Dr. Wong's office and again was escorted to a private room. Dr. Wong examined him briefly and sighed. Well, doc, does it have to be cut off?' No, not need cut off. Just give two, maybe three weeks. Dick fall off all by itself.' Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100? Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat. Why do Jews have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. Why do Jews have big nostrils? Because air is free. What is the best thing that comes out of a penis? The wrinkles. How can ya tell when you've had a hot date? When you go home and comb your teeth. How can ya tell when you've had a hot date? When you wake up in the morning, you don't remember what you did but there is this string hanging out of your mouth, and there's a lump in your throat. Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women love everything 25% off. Confucius say: 'Man who go to bed with itchy but wake up with smelly fingers.' 'Man who lives in glass house dress in basement.' 'Man who has hands in another man's pocket not feeling himself today.' Irish inventions: Instant water (just add water) Solar Flashlights How do you sink a Jewish ship? Put it in the water. How do you torture a Jew? Install natural gas in their house. What kind of profession were the "3 Wise Men" in? A: They were firemen. Q: How do you know? A: Because they came from "a far." What's grey and comes in gallons? Elephants. One may define an honest politician as one who, once bought, stays bought. How do you get a one armed sloth out of a tree? Wave. What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pit bull? A dog that will chew your leg off, then go get help. Help stamp out lysdexia. Dylexics of the world Untie. What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mononucleosis by snatching a kiss? What's the object of a Jewish Football Game? To get the quarter back. How can you tell a Macho Woman? She rolls her own Tampons. What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They're both filled with stiffs - only one's coming and one's going. How do you know that a Female Bartender is pissed off at you? There's a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary. The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude. Would I love to eat that OUI, oui the Frenchman said, smacking his lips. So the Italian shot her. Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!" "Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily, "Damn it! Doesn't anybody Fuck anymore?" There's this Lady Giving Birth in Hospital and the Doctor says, 'Push, come on, a little Harder, Push.' So she pushes and out pops the top part of the baby's head. 'You Never Slept with a Black Man did you?', the Doc asks 'Yeah, I've slept with heaps of blacks, why?', she replied. 'Because the top part of his head is black.' So she Pushes a bit harder, and out pops his whole head. 'You never slept with a Chinese man did you?', he asks. 'Yeah, heaps, why?' 'His eyes are slanty' The doctor replies. So she pushes a Bit harder, and out pops his neck, and it's all red. 'You never slept with a red Indian, did you?', he asks? 'Heaps, why Doctor?', she asks. 'His neck is red.', he replies. So by now the doctor, is very puzzled. She pushes for the last time, and out comes the Baby. The doctor spanks his bottom, and the baby starts crying his eyes out, and the lady says, 'Thank god he never barked.' Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the baby koala fall out of the tree? Because it was holding onto the dead one. Why did the farmer fall over? Because the koala landed on him. What is red and smells like an apple? An apple. What is yellow and smells like a banana? Monkey vomit. What's black and white and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool? An Irish 'NO SMOKING' sign. There was a boy and a girl in a bath and the little girl asks, pointing to his dick, 'What's that doing there?', and the boy says, 'I dunno I was born with it'. Then the girl asks, 'Can I touch it?', and the boy says, `No cause you have already ripped yours off.' An elephant saw Adam without his leaf and said, Fuck me, how can you breathe out of that thing?' There was a rabbit driving up north prospecting... he stopped off for a bit to eat, walks in to the shop and sees a big sign saying 'TOASTED SANDWICHES' so he goes up and asks for a ham and cheese toastie. He loved these toasties, he thought they were great, so he went back and asked for another one but his time he wanted a tomato one. Yum yum yum, he ate it all up and came back the next day, this time asking for an onion one. The day after that, he was in hospital and a bloke came up and asked what happened. The rabbit said, 'oh, I mixamatoasties too much.' The was a bloke who only had one ball and he came from a place where they call balls stones. Everyone used to call this guy one stone so one day he said 'I am pissed off with all you people calling me one stone, the next person who calls me one stone I will fuck them to death'. Sure enough a lady came up and said, 'Hi there one stone', so he fucks her to death. Another lady comes up and calls him one stone as well, and he fucks her and fucks her but can't kill her. What is the moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone. What weighs 2000 pounds and swims in San Francisco Bay? Moby Dyke. What do you call graffiti in the ladies room? Squatters' writes. What are brownie points? Tits on a girl scout. One day after a hard days work in the fields, a farmer comes home to find his wife in bed with another man. The farmer grabs the man by the pecker and pulls him out to the barn, and thereby proceeds to clamp the mans dick in a table vise. When the farmer has the vise good and tight, he removes the handle so the man can't escape. The farmer then pulls a hacksaw from his toolbox. The man in the vise starts screaming, "YOUR NOT GOING TO CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU?". Then the farmer hands the man the hacksaw and says: "No, I'm going to burn down the barn, you're going to cut it off'. There was an Australian, an American and an Irishman who were to be sentenced to death by firing squad. While they all were waiting in the cell, the Australian came up with the idea that just as the guards were to pull the trigger, that each man come up with a disaster which they would shout out in hope that it would cause enough disturbance to escape. The Australian was first to be shot and just before the guards pulled the trigger, the Australian shouted, 'Hurricane!' The guards panicked and he got away. The American was next, he shouted, "Tidal wave!' And managed to escape. Then came the irishman, the guards raised there guns and took aim at which time the irishman shouted, 'Fire!' What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full. A priest and a lawyer died the same day and went to Heaven. St. Peter showed them around. First stop was the lawyer's mansion. It was made of gold bricks with diamonds in the windows. Servants were everywhere, and everything was wonderful. Later they arrived at the priest's new home. It turned out to be a hovel... no plumbing, dirty holes in the walls, and a general mess. The priest said, "I don't mean to complain, but I don't understand. I am sure the lawyer was a good man, but I have served God all my life. Why did he get such a marvelous place and I got this miserable hut?" St. Peter replied, "Oh, you see, we have thousands of priests up here, but this is our first lawyer!!" A prominent psychiatrist once conducted a study of the dogs owned by three professionals to see if the animals had acquired any of their owner's characteristics. One at a time, he put the three dogs into a room with a pile of dog biscuits ...- The Architect's dog first built a small skyscraper with the biscuits, then a beautiful little house, and then built a tiny bridge with what was left. The Accountant's dog divided the pile into equal halves, then took two biscuits from each pile and created a third pile with these, then took three from the original pile and declared a dividend, then set aside one fourth of the total for accrued taxes. The Lawyer's dog walked in one hour late, quickly ate all of the biscuits, then screwed the other dogs and took the rest of the day off. Three surgeons from different countries were discussing their jobs. The German said, "I work only on Germans. We are very neat, methodical people, and we have numbered parts ... take out a #10, put in a #10." The Frenchman sneered, "You Germans always were that way ... we French are much more artistic ... our parts are color-coded ... kidneys are purple, hearts are red, and so on." The American said, "You are both fools! I work only on attorneys!" "Attorneys?" asked the other two doctors. "Yes, attorneys!" the American answered. "They only have two parts, a mouth and an arsehole, and they're interchangeable!" How many gays does it take to change a light bulb? One to change it and 10 to redecorate the room to make sure it is color coordinated. Why are the Irish so devoutly Christian? Jesus was Irish, he had to be, never married or held a steady job and lived with his parents until he was in his thirties. Why do Lawyers wear neckties? to keep their foreskins down. What's a red neck's idea of foreplay? "Get in the truck, bitch!" What time is it when you are being chased by 5 people? 1:05 (5 after 1.) What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who water-skis? Skip. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who gets caught in a meat grinder? Chuck. What's the difference between a fag and a freezer? A freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out. Why do Mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls? For the birth certificates. How do get a Nun pregnant? You fuck her. What is a women? Something you lie on while you have sex. What did Helen Keller name her dog? Ughhh. Why Did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide? Wouldn't you, if your name was Ughhh? What's the difference between a baby elephant and an Italian grandmother? Twenty pounds and a black dress. How do we make them even? Feed the elephant. Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that escaped from prison? The headlines read "SMALL MEDIITM AT LARGE" How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. That's a hardware problem! How to kill an eel ================== Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather frustrated, instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning he described everything to his mom. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because she started looking funny. He must have thought so to, because he put his hand in her blouse to feel her heartbeat just like the doctor would do. Except I guess he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he must have been getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and started to moan and sight and squirm around Sis got worse and started to moan and sigh and squirm around. They slid down to the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. I know it was the fever because Sis told him she was really hot. Then finally I found out what was making them so sick, a great big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow, It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10" high. Honest! Anyway he grabbed it with one hand to keep it from getting away. And when Sis saw it she really got scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen (I should tell her about the ones down at the Lake). Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. Then all of a sudden, she made a noise and let go of the eel.. I guess it bit her back. Then Sis grabbed it with both hands this time while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Then Sis lay back and spread her legs, so she could get a scissor lock on it, and her boyfriend helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up one hell of a fight, Sis started groaning again and then she squealed and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they were trying to kill it by squashing it between them. After awhile they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel, I know it was dead because it hung there, all limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to counting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. But by golly... that old eel wasn't dead. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats... they must have nine lives or something. This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead for sure this time, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet. I know a guy who worked his way thru med school delivering pizzas. Now he's an obstritrican, and he guarantees delivery in thirty minutes or less. Why do women parachutists wear jock straps? So they don't whistle on the way down. Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can moan and piss at the same time. How about the dyslexic atheist insomniac? Stays up nights wondering if there really is a dog. What do you do when a pretty girl moons you? Bitter End. Why were the Indians the first people in America? Because they had reservations. How many light bulbs does it take to change a dyslexic? What is the ultimate rejection? When your hand falls asleep while masturbating. A butcher just out of trade school, applies for and gets, a job in North- west America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezes. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents - chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them...... moosellanious. There's this guy who gets his dick amputated and he goes to the doctor and asks for a new one. "I want a really big one", he says, and the doctor brings one out. "No, bigger! ", so the Doc goes to his box, rummages around and pulls out this enormous 11 inch dick. The guy says, "No, much bigger!" So the doctor says, "I've got one here, I'll just get it". And so he pulls out this gigantic 3 foot dick, and the guy says, "Yeah! that's the one I want, but do you have one in white?" There's this man who was eating his dessert of ice-cream and custard when his daughter came in and told him she was pregnant. He jumped up onto the table and stuck his dick in the custard. His wife said "What are you doing?" He said I'm fucking disgusted. (Get it fucking dis-custard) There was this man who had been caught by some cannibals. He pleaded for them to let him live. The chief said we will set you three tasks if you succeed then you shall be let free. The first task is: In the first hut over there, there are 4 barrels of rum, drink all the rum and then go into the second hut. In the second hut there is a lion with a sore tooth, you must remove the tooth with your bare hands. And in the third hut there is a VIRGIN you must make love to. So off goes the man into the first hut. About an hour later he comes out Hic..Hic... He stumbles into the second hut... He is there for a very long time and the natives think that he is dead but out he came. He had scratches all over his body and all his clothes were ripped and he said " Now where's this virgin with a tooth ache?" What do elephants use as tampons? Woolly Sheep. The moral to this is don't wear red woollen jumpers. There was an aborigine walking down the street when a lady in a car drove up. She stop, opened the door and said "Hey mate want a lift?" He turned around and said "Yes please!" She said "Eek your an aborigine" and slammed the car door and started driving of at 50. He was running along beside the car so she reved it up to 80. He was still running along beside the car but much faster. She put the pedal to the floor and went along at 120. He was STILL running beside the car. She stopped the car and said "Boy you aborigines sure can run fast." He said "It's pretty easy when your dick's caught in the door." There were these three men and they were having a competition to see who could sell a duck for the largest amount of money. The first guy went out and sold his duck for $ 15. The second guy went out and sold his for $20. The third guy went out but he couldn't find anyone who wanted to buy his duck so he sat down near a lamp pole. Along came a prostitute and he said to her "If I give you this duck will you fuck me?" She said "OK." So off he went and fucked her. On the way back he thought that what he had done was pretty dumb because maybe he could get better value for his duck. So off he went to find the prostitute. When he found her he said "Could I have my duck back please?" She said "Only if you fuck me," so he did. He got his duck back, and while he was walking the duck escaped and flew under a truck and was splattered. The truck driver stopped and said "Sorry about your duck mister, here's 50 bucks" So when he got back they all gathered around and the first guy said "I got $15 for my duck, beat that." The second guy said I got $20, so beat that!" And the last guy said "Well all I got was a fuck for a duck, a duck for fuck and 50 bucks for a fucked up duck." There was this man who came into a church and said to the priest " I had sex with my wife." The priest said " There's nothing wrong with that." "But," said the man "I did it with lust." "That's quite common." said the priest. "You see she was just bending over the deep freeze.. and well I couldn't control myself .. isn't the church going to throw me out." "No.. of course not.." " That funny... Woolworths did!" What's one advantage of being a test tube baby? You get a womb with a view. There were these two dog sitting in the vet's waiting room and the first dog said to the second "What you here for ?" The second dog replied" Well you see one night my master was sitting in his chair with his leg out and I got this sudden urge... and ...well I'm here to have my jewels (balls) cut off Why are you here ?" "Well" said the first dog " You see my mistress was taking a shower and she left the door open and I went in and when she bent over to dry her legs.. well.. I got this sudden urge and ...well.. I couldn't control myself " "So" said the second dog "You're here to have you jewels cut of too ?" "No I'm here to have my nails clipped!" There were this reporter and he comes up to these guys and says to them "Excuse me but do you mind if I interview your dicks?" They all say" No we don't mind at all, go right ahead." So the reporter says to the first dick "How dose you owner treat you ?" The dick replies " It's a pretty good live you see, I'm retired, so I just lie around all day." "Oh that is a good life" said the reporter. "Now what about you ?" pointing the mic in the direction of the second one. "My life is pretty good too.. nice and relaxing." "Oh that is good... now what about you?" pointing at the third. Oh.. my life is terrible, just about every week my owner puts a plastic bag on my head, shoves me into a dark cave and makes my do push-ups until I spew. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine. (Gosh you guys have got dirty minds thinking of something other than that.) How do you know if a female teacher is a good mathematician ? Tell her to minus her clothes, divide her legs, give her a square root and see if she multiplies. How do you know if a female English teacher is good? Challenge her to a masturbating competition. (Get it a mass debating competition.) There were ten poofters on a bus and they were all feeling happy. So happy got off. One day, in a convent, the head nun called all the nuns to a meeting. None of them knew what it was about. So the head nun went up on the stage and said "This morning a pair of mens underwear were found in the convent!" And 99 nuns went "Oh... No.." And 1 nun goes "Snigger, Snigger" Then the head nun holds up a bra and says "And this was found as well!" 99 nuns go "Oh... No..." And 1 goes "Snigger, Snigger" Then the head nun holds up a condom and says "This was found as well!" 99 nuns go "Oh... No..." And 1 nun goes "Snigger, Snigger" Then the head nun says "And there was a hole in it!" And 99 nuns go "Snigger, Snigger" And 1 nun goes "Oh... No.." There were these 4 guys waiting in a church to go to confession. The first guy goes in and says "Look I fucked peanuts" The priest said" That's not a sin" So the guy leaves and the second guy comes in and says "I fucked peanuts." The priest said " LOOK.. that is not a sin" and out the guy went. Then in came the third guy and said" I fucked peanuts" The priest was getting pretty pissed with this so he said" There is nothing wrong with that so piss off' So off went the guy and the last guy came in and the priest said" Look.. if your here to tell me you fucked peanuts I don't want to know." The guy said " No...I'm peanuts!" There was this millionaire who had done nearly everything that could be done. He was so bored he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said "What have you always wanted to do?" The millionaire said" I've always wanted to go hunting for gorillas." "So go gorilla hunting." said the psychiatrist. "OK," said the millionaire "I will" So off he went and caught a plane to Africian where ever they hunt gorillas). When he got there he went to the tourist place and said to the guy in charge "I want to go gorilla hunting." And the other man said "Well.. In that case you will need a guide, a dog and a pygmy with a gun. So the millionaire paid the man and set off to get a gorilla. They were not far into the forest when the millionaire saw a small gorilla up in a tree. So the millionaire climbed up the tree and shook the branch the gorilla was standing on. The gorilla fell off and when it hit the ground the dog run forward and bit it's balls and the gorilla fainted. That night they ate the gorilla for dinner and the millionaire said to the guide "What do I need the pygmy for if I've got the dog?" The guide replied "You'll see.. Just wait." So the next day they went into the forest again. They had walked further into the forest when they saw a middle sized gorilla. The millionaire climbed up the tree, shock the branch and the gorilla fell off and when it hit the ground the dog ran forward and bit it's balls and it fainted. So they took it back to camp and ate it for dinner. The millionaire said "I still don't see why I need the pygmy with the gun because we've got the dog." The guide replied " Just what and you'll see." So the next day they went into the forest but the saw no gorillas so they went further into the forest but still no gorillas. So they went even further into the forest until they saw a huge gorilla sitting on a branch. So the millionaire climbed up the tree and shock the branch but the gorilla did not fall off so he got up onto the branch and pushed the gorilla, and the gorilla pushed him back. So he hit the gorilla and the gorilla hit him back so he punched him as hard as he could and the gorilla punched him as hard as it could back. The millionaire fell of the branch and as he fell the guide yell "SHOOT THE DOG! !" There were these nuns riding bikes and they were bouncing up and down on the bikes and the head nun came out and said "Time to pack up.' And all the nuns said "No, No Please just 5 more minutes." So all the nuns go back to riding the bikes. Up and Down they go for 5 more minutes until the head nun comes out again and says "Time to pack up." And all the nuns say "No, No Please just 10 more minutes?" "OK but only 10 minutes no more" So they go back to riding the bikes. Ten minutes later the head nun comes back and says "OK pack up now." And all the nuns say "No, No Please just five more minutes?" And the head nun says "Look, If you don't pack up now I'll put the seats back on the bikes." Masturbation of the nation, Come on give us a hand. There were these men, an Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian and they had been caught by natives and were going to be cooked but the chief thought it would be more fun to toy with them for a while. So he said to them "If you can shove ten of you favourite fruit up you bum without laughing then I will set you free. So of they all went into the bushes to find there favourite fruit. Soon the Englishman came out with a grape and shoved it up his bum and did not laugh. Then out came the other two. The Australian came out with a pear and as he was shoving the pear up his bum he cracked up and the chief said "I'll give you one more chance." So he tried again and as before he cracked up and the chief said "Why did you laugh?" And the Australian replied "The Irishmans favourite fruit is a watermelon." How did they circumcise Moby Dick? They sent down fore skin divers. Three poofters in a shower, what do you call the one in the middle? A double adapter. How do you confuse an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Three poofters in a shower, which is the most daring? The one who bends over to pick up the soap first. Why did the gay get kicked out of the sperm bank? He was caught drinking on the job. How can you tell a Macho Woman ? She can "suck-start" her Harley-Davidson Sportser. For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap. "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said. "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer. What's the purpose of a belly button? That's where you stick your gum on the way down. A Jewish Rabbi, a Catholic Priest and a Protestant Minister went fishing one day. They rowed the boat out in the middle of the lake and proceeded to cast their lines in the water. After a while, the Catholic Priest said, "I'm getting hungry and I forgot the sandwiches on shore." Then he hopped out of the boat and walked across the water to the shore, picked up the sandwiches and walked back across the water to the boat with sandwiches for all. The Jewish Rabbi, after eating his sandwiches felt thirsty and said "I really would like something to wash it down!." He hopped out of the boat, walked across the water to shore, picked up the drinks, and walked back to the boat. The Protestant Minister was amazed by the chain of events, but not wanting to be outdone, he says, "Well, we have everything we need except for maybe some dessert." He proceeded to hop out of the boat, and with a great splash sank into the water. To which the Rabbi said to the Priest, "Do you think we should tell him where the rocks are?" This guy dies and goes to Heaven. After the all the paperwork is filled out, an angel comes to get this guy and take him to where he will spend the rest of eternity. As they are walking down the hall, the guy hears screams and music coming from a certain door and asks the angel if he can see what's going on. The angel says OK and he goes to take a peek. Behind the door is all sorts of parting, drug use, sex, you name it. They guy asks the angel what that's all about. "Oh, those are the Catholics. They are doing all the things they couldn't do while on Earth." Most of the other doors are alike: lots of partying sounds. But when they go by one door, the guy hears nothing. He asks the angel again if he can go take a peek. "OK, but be very careful." The guy peeks inside and he sees rows and rows of people at tables sitting and thinking. The guy asks the angel for the story on this room. "Those are the Lutherns. They are trying to figure out what they couldn't do while on Earth." A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" A Mouse and an Elephant were walking through the jungle one day when the Elephant fell into a big hole. It was too deep for him to get out, no matter how much he tried. The Mouse said, "Hang in there, Buddy, I'll save ya!". And then Mr. Mouse ran off to fetch his Corvette. He came back with the Corvette and tied a rope to the axle, then dropped the other end of the rope down to Mr. Elephant. He put the car in reverse, and pulled Mr. Elephant out of the big hole. Then much later that week, Mr. Mouse had the misfortune to fall into that big hole. Again, no matter how hard Mr. Mouse tried to get out, there was just no way. Mr. Elephant comes along and says, "Hey, little Buddy, I'll save ya!", and with that Mr. Elephant drops his dick down into the hold and allows the mouse to climb out on it. So the moral of this story is: If you've got a big dick, you don't need a Corvette. Another advantage to Alzheimer's disease: you meet new people every day. How do women get minks? The same way minks get minks! Just by the merest coincidence, Dolly Parton and Princess Di of England are killed in car accidents on the same day, and both arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same moment. St. Peter greets them cordially, and expresses his disappointment at seeing them ahead of schedule. Says St. Peter, "And another thing, ladies, I am terribly sorry, but Heaven is a bit overcrowded today... There was a scheduling mix-up because of a school bus accident in Missouri. It's embarrassing, really, but we only have room for one more person today, and the other will have to wait, er, you-know-where until we have room." Well, the two ladies begin arguing about who has the greater right to spend the night in Heaven. Dolly claims that she has millions of fans all over the world who love her, and she has been good all her life... Princess Di says there shouldn't be any question, after all she is royalty and shouldn't have to go you-know-where for any reason, and Dolly is just a Southern hill-billy and shouldn't mind waiting a day or two. St. Peter breaks in, "Ladies, ladies, please don't argue like this. It's so unseemly. There is only one way to be fair. You will each have to show me your best attribute, and I will have to choose." Well, everyone knows what Dolly's best attribute is, and she wastes no time in popping her blouse open. All the goods spill out and even St. Peter gets a rise out of it (well, he was a man ONCE, you know!) and stammers a bit until he gets his breath back. "Well, Um, very-very im-im-impressive, Mrs. Parton." He turns to Princess Di and says, "That was really incredible... do you think you can top Mrs. Parton's, um, display?" Well, anyone who has seen Princess Di knows that she wouldn't have a chance in that department, but she seems determined to try. The Princess opens her silk handbag and removes a bottle that reads "Massengill." She puts one leg up on the marble steps to the Pearly Gates, hikes up her skirt, and (dare we say it?) begins using the douche. St. Peter turns four shades of purple and Dolly mutters something about "no class at all, always knew she was a..." and they both seem relieved when Princess Di finishes her task. Dolly says, "Well, I guess that sure settles who gets into heaven, doesn't it St. Peter?" St. Peter hangs his head and says apologetically, "I'm terribly sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven...a royal flush beats a pair." What's the worst problem a man can have with sex and booze? Every time he has sex, the girl boos. If the plural if kitty is kitties, What's the plural of pussy? Harem. What's a rubber egg beater? A condom. Hear the one about when, Sir Lancelot who was just starting out in the Chivalry business and could only afford a St. Bernard. Non-standard, but a noble mount nonetheless. Lancelot, astride this beast as proudly as possible, rode one dark, rainy evening, to a castle moat and sought admittance. The moat keeper was torn between laughter and pity at the sight, but elected to let Lancelot in. His reason? "I wouldn't put out a knight on a dog like this." It was so cold in New York recently that all the lawyers were seen walking around with their hands in their own pockets. There once was a man from Racine Who invented a loving machine Both concave and convex It could serve either sex Entertaining itself in between. Three football players from different teams were all convicted of murder and sentenced to die in the electric chair The first one, from Tennessee, was strap into the chair and the warden asked him if he had any last words, to which the man replied, "Go VOLS!". They hit the switch. . . . nothing happened. "Well," the warden said, we only get one try, so you can go free. The second guy gets strapped in the chaired the warden asks him if he has any last words, to which the man from Alabama replied, "Go TIDE!" The juice to the chair was turned on. . . nothing happened. The warden tells him, "You can go, too. Good grief." The last guy, from Georgia Tech, is strapped in to the chair. The warden says, "Do you have any last words." The guy from Georgia Tech says, "No, but if you'll just hook this little blue wire down here up to this little yellow wire, this thing will work." Sign in butchers shop window:- You might beat our prices but you can't beat our meat! If a young whore uses Vaseline, what does an old whore use? Polygrip. OK, there's this guy, and he walks into a whore house, and get's himself a girl for the time being. He starts fucking her in the back room, and she screams out "ARCHIE! ARCHIE!" The guy thinks it means 'great' so he pumps harder and harder, and she screams louder and louder. The next day, the same guy is out on the golf course, he hit a hole in one, and started jumping up and down "ARCHIE! ARCHIE!" At that time, one of his fellow golfers says "What do you mean wrong ho, looks too be in the right one to me I '' What's the definition of agony? A one armed man hanging from a cliff with itchy balls How many Mexicans does it take to grease your car? One, if you hit 'em just right. Sign at a mortuary: OUR STAFF WILL STUFF YOUR STIFF Sign at whorehouse next door: OUR STUFF WILL STIFF YOUR STAFF A gay walks into a bar, cups his hands, and says "Whoever can guess what's in my hands gets me for one night" One buff guy says," an elephant!" The Gay says "close enough!" Where do little watermelons go for the summer? John Cougar Mellencamp. Hickory dickory dock The bitch was sucking my cock The clock struck two I popped my goo And put it back in my jock. What is the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everybody and a bitch sleeps with everyone but YOU. What does IBM stand for? It's Better Manually. Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder and got a little BEHIND in his work? At man walked into a psychiatrist's office. "Doctor, you've got to help me. But first tell me how much do you charge?" "One hundred dollars an hour," the psychiatrist replied. "Forget it," sounded the man, "I'm not that crazy!" The Captain of an aircraft carrier walked into an all women school after his ship came to port. "I recommend that you lock your girls up while my men are here," the Captain said to the dean. "They have been on the ship for months without a woman." "I have nothing to worry about, Captain. My girls have it up here," the dean said pointing to her head. "Ma'am," The Captain replied, "It doesn't matter where they have it, my men will find it." Okay, there was a guy who went to visit his cousin in the hills. They were typical Hillbillies and it was a truly rustic experience. Anyhow, they had been playing poker for a couple hours one night, and he was doing okay, when his cousin stood up and said, "Let's play Hillbilly poker! It's easy, cuz. Everyone antes up $20, then we jack off, and the first person to come on the table wins!" Well, thought the cousin, when in Rome... So he pulled his pants down with the rest of them and went at it on the signal. Well, sir, some skinny Hillbilly came after about only four strokes! Everyone stopped except the city cousin. The Hillbillies looked at him and one of them said, "What you doin' that fer? The game is over!" He looked at them and said, "Well, I had a good hand going, and..." Once apon a time in Tennessee, a boy's parents had arranged his marriage with a neighbour girl. When the time came for the boy to meet his bride, his Father sent him on his way. The boy came back later without his bride, and his father said, Son, where's that filly you was gonna marry?" The boy said, "Well, daddy, I can't marry up with her." The father said, "Well, why not?" "Well," the boy said, "she's a virgin." "What's wrong with that?" the father asked. "Well daddy," answered the boy, "if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for mine!" God was walking along the fence that divides heaven and hell on day, and he noticed that it was in dire need of some painting. So he called up the Devil and the two of them agreed to each paint half of the fence. God had his side painted right away, but the Devil kept putting it of Finally, after listening to entirely too many of the Devil's excuses, God painted the Devil's side too. After he had finished painting the Devil's side, God called up the Devil and told him that the Devil's side was now painted too. "Of course", God said, "I am going to have to sue you for payment for the paintjob." The Devil just replied, "Oh yeah, and where are you going to find a lawyer?" This midget walks into a whorehouse and the girls lounging around take one look at him and start laughing. "Hey! Just how big a dick do you have?", to which the midget puffs up his chest and states, "Four inches!" The ladies laugh even harder until he says, "That's the diameter!" A man and woman had not had sex for a long time. The man simply stated that he was "too tired from work". Well, one night, the woman couldn't stand it any longer and when the man came home, she led him to the bedroom, took off her clothes and said "make me feel like a woman!". So the man took off his clothes, threw them on the Poor and said: "Wash these bitch!" How do you hold your liquor? By the ears. What's a shoe fetish? A guy that looks down and says, "What a pair!" What do you do if an epileptic falls into your bathtub? Add your clothes, detergent and water! He slammed the door after a hard days work, "I've won 14 million dollars in the lottery"! He said to his wife, "Pack your bags"! The wife replies, "Really?? 14 Million dollars??? Should I pack a Bikini or a ski suit?" "I don't give a shit what you pack, just be gone before I get back! Did you hear about the new social action group DAM? Mothers Against Dyslexia. There was a Western bar in Texas where a bunch of grizzly lookin' cowboys was sitting inside drinkin' and all of a sudden the doors swing open and in walks this little pipsqueak of a cowboy, maybe all of 5 feet high. Nobody pays the little feller any mind. "Hey! ", he shouts. Still nobody notices. "HEY", he tries again. Still nothing. So he pulls out his pistol and BLAM puts a round up through the ceiling. NOW everyone turns around and looks at him. "That's better," he squeaks. "Now, I just came in from outside, and I got one question for all yew cowpokes. Just who painted my horses balls yellow? SOMEBODY in here did it, and I want to know who." He stands there and waits, and nobody says anything, nobody moves. Then slowly one big old cowhand heaves himself up out of his chair, ambles up to where the little pipsqueak stood and picked him up clean by the collar and THUMP set him down on the bar. Then the big guy put his grizzly face right up to the little one's nose and says, "Ah painted them nuts yeller. Whatcha gonna DEW about it?" "Well, ah, em," the little guy stammers and stutters, "I ah, I just come to tell ya the first coat's dry." Why couldn't the Frenchman's wife get pregnant? He kept muffing it. Is it We a woman can attract a man with her mind? Yes, but she can attract more men with what she doesn't mind. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? 15, you godda problem with that? How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb? 1, but he gets 3 credits for it. How many UWA students does it take to change a light bulb? l, they just hold the bulb and the world revolves around them. What's the most useless thing on Grandma? Grandpa. Knock Knock. Who's there? Santa Claus. Santa Claus who? Santa Claus the door, it's cold in here. A little guy rushed into the office of a motel in the middle of Texas. He was obviously very upset and distraught, and the office manager asks him what was going on. "Call the Cops," pants the little man. "I've just been assaulted by some big dumb cowhand." "No kiddin? What happened?" "I was making a phone call in the lobby and this big ugly guy jerks me around, rips down his pants, and pulls out two very big instruments - one was 10 inches of cock, and the other was the barrel of a Colt .45. He says to me, ` You suck me right here, little shrimp, or I'm gonna blow yer brains out!" "Sheeeeaaaat!", shouts the manager. "What did ya do?" The little man looked up and scowled, "Ya didn't hear no damned SHOT, did ya?" Why do woman have 20%/o more brain space than cows? So they don't shit on the floor when you pull their tits. What do you do if you're swallowed by a giant elephant? Keep running as fast as you can till your pooped out. A polish exchange student wrote home to his mother in Warsaw to say that he was going to marry an American girl. The mother wrote back, begging her son to reconsider. "It's a mistake, son" she wrote. "Those American girls are terrible cooks, they can't keep you happy in bed, and they'll call you a dumb polack when they are angry." The young man ignored the advise and married the girl. A few weeks later he wrote back to his mother saying "Mom, you were wrong. My wife is a wonderful cook, she's terrific in bed, and she doesn't call me a dumb polack if I don't call her a dirty nigger." What's a red-neck's idea of cooperation? One red-neck holds the pig while the other one fucks him. Did you hear about the stewardess who backed into the propeller? Disaster. (De-arsed-her) This guy walks up to the bar and asks for 10 shots of Tequila. The bartender asks, " WOW ! That's a lot at once !" "Yeah, it's a special occasion, I've just had by first blow job!" " That IS a special occasion. ", and so he pours out 10 shots of Tequila and the man puts them all back. ... 8 ... 9 ... 10 ... Ahhhh! After all ten shots the bartender says " Since this is such a special occasion, I'll give you a free shot " The man replies, No thanks, if the first 10 didn't et the taste out of m mouth, the eleventh won't help." Superman was bored one evening so he calls up Aquaman and says, "Hey man, lets go out and snag us a couple of cute girls." But Aquaman said, "I'm sorry Superman, I have to clean the aquarium." So Superman calls up Batman & Robin and says, "Hey, guys lets go out and party hardy." Batman replied, "Sorry Superman, but Robin and I have to wax the Batmobile tonight." In a last ditch effort he calls up the notorious Cat Woman and says, "Just you and me babe. I got a bottle of wine and a bed.", but she sayes, "Sorry, I have other plans." So being really bummed out he goes out flying and happens to By over Wonder Woman's house and sees her naked on her bed, through the window. He thinks to himself, "Yeh. I'm quick I can just go down there and Bam, Bam, Bam, and she'd be done." So he goes down as fast as he can. Bam! Bam! Bam! He Pies off with a big grin on his face. Wonder Woman exclaims "What was that?" The Invisible Man replies, "I don't know, but my ass feels fucked." If you drop a Polock and a Mexican off a 20 story building, which would hit first? The Polock. The Mexican has to stop and write "Fuck You" on the wall. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fish. I-Tow can you make a cat sound like a dog? A can of gasoline, a lit match and WHOOF! A well-known N.F.L quarterback went into a local bar and soon set his sights on a striking young woman. He boasted of his passing statistics, his running ability and his superb physical condition. Finally persuading her to go back to his hotel room, he crowed "You, young lady, are about to see what two hundred and fifteen pounds dynamite looks like. "In the room, he got here a drink, then excused himself. "When I come back, honey, you're going to see two hundred and fifteen pounds of dynamite." As he emerged from the bathroom stark naked, the woman jumped to her feet and ran out the door, screaming hysterically. A security guard heard the commotion and came Running "What's the matter, miss?" he asked. "Back in the room six ninty-one," she gasped, "There's two hundred and fifteen pounds of dynamite with a two inch fuse!" Why don't midgets wear tampons? Because they trip over the strings. How did Helen Keller get purple fingers? She heard it through the grapevine. There was a rabbit and a snake cruising through the forest. They get to a crossing and run into each other. The rabbit says "I'm sorry but you see I'm blind so I didn't see you". To which the snake replies, "I'm blind too so I guess it wasn't anyone's fault". They are both about to leave when the rabbit says "Hey, I've been blind all my life and I'm an orphan, could you feel me and tell me what I am?". Sure says the snake and slowly feels the rabbit from head to toe. "Well, what am I?". "Well your soft, fuzzy and you have long ears I think your a rabbit". As they begin to leave the snake asks the rabbit to return the favour as he too has been blind all his life and had no parents. "No problem", says the rabbit and he proceeds to feel the snake from head to tail. "Well, what am I?" "Well your scaly, kind of slimy and your real cold... you must be a lawyer." How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminated at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the forth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consisted. It with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pig? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Why are Helen Keller's shoes yellow? Because her dog is blind and deaf too. A duck walks into a chemist and asks to buy a prophylactic, having found a suitable one, the chemist asks 'shall I put it on your bill?' and the duck screams, 'Are you calling me a DICKHEAD?' What did the leper say to the Prostitute? Keep the tip. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was stuck onto the perverts dick. A collection of Oxymorons: Airline Food Almost Safe Amtrak Schedule Awful Nice Bad Sex Black Light Business Ethics Clearly Confused Criminal Lawyer Debugged Program Faulty Logic Federal Assistance First Annual Freezer Burn Fun Run Functionally Illiterate Good Grief Government Worker Happy Birthday Imitation Margarine Jumbo Shrimp Justifiable Homicide Last Initial Legal Brief Mail Service Nearly Perfect New Standard Plastic Silverware Postal Service Practical Homeowner President Hawke Pretty Ugly Rolling Stop Science Fiction Senate Ethics Soft Rock Sub Minimum Tax Reform Television Entertainment Traffic Flow User Friendly Wedded Bliss Work Party Military Intelligence Happily Married Honest Politician Honest Lawyer Poor Lawyer Poor Politician High School Education Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. I have altzheimer's and bullimia, I binge and forget to purge. 'Twas the night before dooms day and all through the house, everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whore house and dad smoking grass, and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass. When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter, I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter. Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Prick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the fucker had fell. He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer, and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son-of a-bitch blew the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, piss on you all and have one hell of a night. What would it take for the Beatle's to get back together? Three more bullets. There was this lady who had three children and they were making Christmas cookies. When she was going to put the silver balls on the cookies when they spilled all over the place. So they decided to eat them all. Well, later that night the first kid went into his mom's room and said "Mommie! Mommie! I peed a bed!" Mom said, "Go to bed." A while later the second kid went into his mom's room and said "Mommie! Mommie! I pead a bebe!" Mom said "Go to bed." A while later the third kid went into his mom's room. The mom said "I suppose you pead a bebe too right?" The third kid said "No mommie, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!" How do you keep a fag from getting pregnant? Burp him. Mommy, Mommy Why is Grandma so pale? Shut up and keep digging! Mommy, Mommy What happened to your scabs? Shut up and eat your corn flakes Mommy, Mommy I'm running around in circles Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the Boor This couple were to have some important people over to dinner and the wife didn't want him to go out on his golf game and disrupt the timing that evening. He assured her that he would only play the one round of eighteen holes and as he was starting early - that would get him home in plenty of time for his host obligations. She disbelieved him as he always tried sneaking in another round of golf - and invariably came home much later than he had promised. After much promising - she finally allowed him to go - on the strong condition that he only play the one round of golf. Well - he didn't make it back in time - and she was furious. When he finally showed up she lit into him for being the low life liar and cheat that he was - he just couldn't be trusted. All innocent - he explained that he had done as he said. "The problem was - honey - that when we started the second hole - my partner had a heart attack and the poor soul died on the spot. From then on it was - hit the ball and drag poor George - hit the ball and drag poor George How do you know your lady is getting fat? When you hug her and you can't tell which side you're on! Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! Know the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhoea? The first one shucks between fits.... A Texan and a Yankee were using the bathroom. The Texan finished first, and he begun to wash his hands. Then the Yankee finished and headed for the door. The Texan said "Hey Yank, where I come from, our mothers teach us to wash our hands when we use the bathroom!" The Yankee replied "Where I come from, our mothers teach us not to piss on our hands!" How can you tell if a Boy Scout is mean? He walks old ladies HALFWAY across the street! Why is it hard to say "oragenitalism"....? Because its a mouthful! ! ! ! ! A woman comes home to her husband, traps him in the bedroom, and says "Take off my blouse." He does so. "Take off my skirt". He does so. "Take y, off my panties, my stockings, my bra, everything!" He does so. " Now if I catch you wearing any of my things again I'll divorce you." How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but does it really matter ...? A guy went in to the doctor's office to get a check up. At the end of the checkup, the doctor says "I've got bad news.... You are going to die". The patient says "Oh my god, I'd like to get a second opinion" so the doctor says "and you're ugly too..." What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's finger! What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob. What do you call a female clown? A clunt. What's the difference between a nigger and a tyre? Tyres don't sing when you put chains on them. Did you hear about the Irishman who was asked to be a Jehovas Witness? He refused because he hadn't seen the accident. Why do Pakistanis carry shit in their wallets? For identification. How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Blow a boogie in it. What's the definition of a perfect woman? she's three feet tall, ' as a round hole for a mouth and her head is Bat so you can put a pint glass on it. he sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. he economy model fucks all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack. 'Why does Ray Charles smile all the time? Because he doesn't know he's black. Did you hear about the queer Indian? He jumped into the canoe, took three strokes and shot across lake. Did you hear about the queer burglar? He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator. How do you get four poofs on a bar stool? Turn it upside down. Why don't black cheerleaders do the splits? Because if they did they would stick to the floor. Why do blacks wear wide brimmed hats? To keep the birds from shitting on their lips. Why do blacks wear platform shoes? To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground. What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep. How do you say "FLlCK YOU" in Jewish? Trust me. Define Jewish foreplay. Two hours of begging. What do you get when you cross a nigger with Bo Derek? 10 of Spades. Why don't Irish people eat pickles? Because they can't get their heads into the jars. What do you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes. Why don't Italians eat Peas? Because they can't get their little legs apart. Why did God make urine yellow and come white? So the Irish could tell if they were coming or going. How do you get an Iranian girl pregnant? Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest. What has six legs and eats pussy? You, me and Billy Jean King. What's the brown stuff between elephant's toes? Slow natives. What's better than roses on your piano? Two lips on your organ. What do you get if you cross a nigger with a gorilla? A dumb gorilla. What does it say inside a nigger's lip? Inflate to 20 pounds. Did you hear about the Irish parachute? It opens on impact. Why do Brixton coons have such small steering wheels? So they can drive with handcuffs on. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven. Why did the Pakistani trade in his wife for an outhouse? Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better. What did Adam say to Eve? "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets". What goes into thirteen twice? Roman Polanski. Why don't Italians have freckles? They slide off. What do have when you're up to your ankles in niggers? Afro Turf What's old and wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers? Fred Astaire's face. What's yellow and ugly and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono. Why don't they have any black snow skiers? Because their lips explode at 1000 feet. Why don't they let Pakistani's swim in Lake Windermere? Because they leave a ring. Where is an elephant's sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked. What's black and white and has three eyes? Sammy Davis Jr. and his wife. How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the light, the other four hold the sound equipment. Why are ice hockey goalkeepers and West Indian girls alike? They both change their pads after three periods. What do you get if you cross a nigger with a monkey? Nothing. Monkeys are too intelligent to fuck niggers. Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top? Because Ronny can only fuck up. Why did God create the orgasm? So niggers would know when to stop fucking. What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180? Sicily. Why don't they have ice cubes in Ireland? They lost the recipe. What's a real mate? Someone who'll go into town and get two blow jobs, and come back and give you one. What's red and white and makes you laugh? A bus load of Pakistanis going over a cliff. Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all-right now. How do you save a drowning nigger? Throw him an anchor. What do you call an Irish girl with half a brain? Gifted. Why do women have two holes so close together? In case you miss. What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland? A tourist. Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook? 100 Ways To Wok Your Dog. How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts her ankles swell. How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear? Look for dandruff on her shoes. Why don't niggers drive convertibles? Their lips would Bap in the wind and slap them to death. What's the definition of mass confusion? Fathers Day in Brixton. What's the ultimate rejection? When you're wanking and your hand falls asleep. How do you tell how many Pakistanis live in a town? Count the windows of the cellars and multiply by 36. How do you kill a West Indian? Smash the toilet seat over his head when he's taking a drink of water. What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with a fully erect penis? He breaks his nose. How many blacks does it take to pave a driveway? Depends on how thin you slice them. What's the difference between a coloured girl and a ten-pin bowling ball? You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball. What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans? Billy Jeans. You know the barman's pissed off when you find a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary. Do you know how to save a drowning nigger? NO? ...Good. Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Do you think you could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe? What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation? Inserting the anchovies. How does God make Puerto Ricans? He sandblasts niggers. Did you hear about the homosexual who left home because he didn't like the way he was being reared. Why don't blacks have cheque books? Because it's hard to sign your name with spray paint. What is organic dental floss? Pubic hair. What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Gypsy? A chain of empty stores. Why do black people smell so bad? So blind people can hate them too. What are the three greatest lies? a) The cheque is in the post. b) Black is beautiful. c) I won't come in your mouth. Why do women have two holes so close together? So you can carry them home like a six pack. How do brainwash an Irishman? Give him an enema. Why wasn't Christ born in USA? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Why do Italians wear hats? So they know which end to wipe. Did you hear about the Irishman who studied five days for a urine test. Did you hear about the Italian who picked his nose apart to see what made it run? Did you hear about the Italian who cleaned his ears out? His head caved in. Why did God give blacks rhythm? Because he fucked up their hair. What do you give a deaf; dumb and blind thalidomide victim for Christmas ? Cancer What turns a nine-stone weakling into a 16-stone man of steel ? Polio Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake ? It did $100 million worth of improvements Who killed more Indians than John Wayne ? Union Carbide What's black and runs through the desert at l00mph ? An Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher What's the difference between Bernard King and the space shuttle Challenger? Bernard King teaches cooks What's a fart in Ethiopia ? A status symbol What did Jesus say on the cross to the Aboriginals ? Don't do anything until I come back What do you get if you cross an Italian with a Jew ? A cleaner who thinks he owns the building What do you call Israeli paratroopers ? Air Pollution How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb ? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to share the experience How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb ? Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to turn the ladder How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ? Only one, but the bulb has got to want to change ! How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb ? You Don't have to change it - they all glow in the dark What do you get if you cross a black whore with a Chinese ? A maid who sucks your shirts What do you call an Aboriginal in an orange VW ? A Jaffa Why do Italian boys grow moustaches ? So they can look like their mothers What do you throw a drowning Vietnamese ? His wife and family Why don't Americans get piles ? Because they are the perfect arseholes What's the difference between Joan Collins and a bowling ball? You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball What does Boy George have for breakfast ? Smack Crackle and Pop What do you call a dog with wings ? Linda McCartney How did AIDS get into America ? Up the Hudson What have Niki Lauda and Hot Lips Houlihan got in common ? They've both been fucked by Major Burns What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in a bath ? Throw in your washing Did you hear about the Spastic who won a disco competition? He only got up to get a drink Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas ? He reckons it was the most violent book he ever read Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll ? You wind it up and it walks into walls What's endless love ? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis What's the difference between a Kiwi and a computer ? You only have to punch information into a computer once How do you know your house has been burgled by a Kiwi ? Your cats been raped and your thongs are missing How do you start a New Zealander in a small business ? Give him a big business and let him take it from there What was the worst thing about the Challenger disaster ? It only killed Seven Americans What were they drinking aboard the doomed shuttle mission? Seven-Up with a dash of Teachers Where do American Astronauts spend their holidays ? All over Florida What are pink and shrivelled and found on Florida beaches? Shuttle Cocks What did the woman astronaut say just before the Shuttle w up ? What does this button do? What does the initials NASA stand for ? Need Another Seven Astronauts What's black and smells like fish ? Tina Tuna Did you hear about Ronald Reagan's bowel transplant ? The bowel rejected him Why did they lay Rock Hudson face down in his casket ? So his friends could recognise him Why do women have fingers ? Because sheep cant type Why do negroes always have sex on the brain ? Because They've got pubic hair on their heads Why are camels called ships of the desert ? Because they are always full of Arab semen What's the difference between your wife and your job ? After Five years your job still sucks Is it better to be born black or homosexual ? Black. That way you don't have to break the news to your parents How do you know that you've walked into a Lesbian bar ? Even the pool table hasn't got balls What's invisible and smells like dog food ? A pensioners fart What's a Greek tragedy ? Haemorrhoids What's a poofter ? An Australian man who likes his women better than beer Why do Soviet collective farm workers now find pieces of rubber in their stew ? Because under Gorbachevs reforms, horses are being replaced with tractors What happened when the diner snapped his fingers to gain the waiters attention ? The waiter said that masochists didn't attract him Why don't railway porters have a 10 minute coffee break ? It takes too long to retrain them What did Captain Kirk ask after he heard Bones had been cloned ? "Which one of you is the real McCoy ? Why did Sulu take Alka-Seltzer with him to Jupiter ? He heard that the planet was full of gas Why arn't they making Spock's uniforms any longer ? Because they're long enough already. What do you call a woman tied up to a pier ? Maude. What do you call a man with no arms or legs rolling about in all of leaves? Russell. What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on the front step ? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall ? Art. Why do negroes always have sex on the brain ? Because They've got pubic hair on their heads Why are camels called ships of the desert ? Because they are always full of Arab semen What's the difference between your wife and your job ? After Five years your job still sucks Is it better to be born black or homosexual ? Black. That way you don't have to break the news to your parents How do you know that you've walked into a Lesbian bar ? Even the pool table hasn't got balls What's invisible and smells like dog food ? A pensioners fart What's a Greek tragedy ? Haemorrhoids What's a poofter ? An Australian man who likes his women better than beer Why do Soviet collective farm workers now find pieces of rubber in their stew ? Because under Gorbachevs reforms, horses are being replaced with tractors What happened when the diner snapped his fingers to gain the waiters attention ? The waiter said that masochists didn't attract him Why don't railway porters have a 10 minute coffee break ? It takes too long to retrain them What did Captain Kirk ask after he heard Bones had been cloned ? "Which one of you is the real McCoy ? Why did Sulu take Alka-Seltzer with him to Jupiter ? He heard that the planet was full of gas Why arn't they making Spock's uniforms any longer ? Because they're long enough already. What do you call a woman tied up to a pier ? Maude. What do you call a man with no arms or legs rolling about in all of leaves? Russel. What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on the front step ? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall ? Art. What do you call his arms and legs that are hanging on the site wall ? Pieces of Art. What do you call an abbo at school ? The Cleaner. What do you call 1000 abbo's falling down Ayres Rock ? An abbo-lanche. What do you call an abo in Toorak ? Lost. Why do people own Commodore 64's ? Because the sheep don't like them ! What is the definition of an intellectual ? A person of superior confidence which is unhampered by any knowledge or experience. What is the definition of suspicion ? A Dingo outside the Alice Springs Social Security office with a child endowment cheque in its mouth. If a big fat boong and a skinny boong jumped off the Centrepoint Tower, who would hit the ground first ? Who gives a fuck ! Why did the dingo at Ayres Rock vomit ? Because its food was ten weeks old. What do you do if your baby dies on Thanksgiving Day ? Stuff the turkey with it. What is the difference between Sin and Shame ? Its a sin to stick it in and a shame to pull it out. Want to know what women go through during child-birth ? Pull your lips back over your head ! What did the prostitute say to the client ? "Cum on! I haven't got all day" What do you call six abbos on a waterslide ? Sewerage! What's the definition of a macho woman ? One who kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. The more times you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets! What's at the end of an Irish extension ladder ? A Stop sign! How do you sink an Irish battleship ? Put it in water. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb ? a) None. That's a Hardware problem ! b) At least Two! One always changes jobs in the middle of a project. c) Three. A programmer to blame it on the hardware and call a customer engineer who blames it on the operating system and calls a systems programmer who says it is an application program and blames it on the first programmer who has to go and re-program the light switch! d) Four. One to analyse the problem, one to write the instructions, one to check and debug the instructions, and one to perform the operation. e) Twelve. One to change the bulb, one for back up, and ten to write the documentation. f) No programmer would, or could, ever change a light bulb because: 1) its is not part of the job description.. 2) the light bulb has no addressable memory anyway ! How many IBM PC Hardware engineers does it take to change a bulb ? One Hundred. Ten to do it, and ninety to write document #GC57003901 Multi-Tasking Incandescent Source System Facility, which ten percent of the pages state "This page intentionally left blank" and in which twenty percent of the definitions are the form: "A whoopeededoo consists of a sequence of non-blank characters separated by blanks". "Father! Father! There's a case of gonorrhoea in the monastery !" "Ah! Excellent! One gets SO tired of Benedictine." "The Meek shall inherit the Earth"... the rest of us are going into Space! "I HATE HUMOUR!" "HA!" Signed Mr. A. Borigany How do you sink an Irish Submarine ? Knock on a window. What's the difference between a prostitute parlour and a circus ? A circus is an array of cunning stunts What's the difference between a seagull and a baby ? The seagull flits along the shore.... .! What did Constable Dave say as he was drowning ? "Quick Bill! Hurry! Throw me a boy !" What is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting, and a dog does on three legs ? SHAKES HANDS! Some people believe that the grave of Karl Marx is just a Communist Plot! Why did the cane toad cross the road ? To get to his flat mates, of course! What is a Naval Destroyer ? A hoola hoop with a 6 inch nail in it! How do you make a venetian blind ? Poke his eyes out. What do you call his arms and legs that are hanging on the site wall ? Pieces of Art. What do you call an abbo at school ? The Cleaner. What do you call 1000 abbo's falling down Ayres Rock ? An abbo-lanche. What do you call an abo in Toorak ? Lost. Why do people own Commodore 64's ? Because the sheep don't like them ! What is the definition of an intellectual `1 A person of superior confidence which is unhampered by any knowledge or experience. What is the definition of suspicion `1 A Dingo outside the Alice Springs Social Security office with a child endowment cheque in its mouth. If a big fat boong and a skinny boong jumped off the Centrepoint Tower, who would hit the ground first ? Who gives a fuck ! Why did the dingo at Ayres Rock vomit ? Because its food was ten weeks old. What do you do if your baby dies on Thanksgiving Day ? Stuff the turkey with it. What is the difference between Sin and Shame ? Its a sin to stick it in and a shame to pull it out. Want to know what women go through during child-birth ? Pull your lips back over your head ! What did the prostitute say to the client ? "Cum on! I haven't got all day" What do you call six abbos on a waterslide ? Sewerage! What's the definition of a macho woman ? One who kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. The more times you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets! What's at the end of an Irish extension ladder ? A Stop sign! How do you sink an Irish battleship ? Put it in water. How do you sink an Irish Submarine ? Knock on a window. How do you make a venetian blind ? Poke his eyes out. What's the definition of a virgin ? An ugly 9 year old. Why did the one-handed man cross the road ? To get to the second-hand shop. What happened to the irishman who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe. What's impossible to find in New Zealand ? Virgin Wool. What do you get if you cross a New Zealander with an Aboriginal Someone who is too lazy to steal. What is an Australian mans idea of foreplay ? "You Awake ?" What is a Tasmanian mans idea of foreplay ? "You awake Mum ?" What's a Tasmanian virgin ? A girl who can run faster than her father or brothers What's yellow and smells like a banana ? Monkey Vomit. What's a homosexual masochist ? A sucker for punishment. What's a dirty bastard ? A kid that farts in church at his parents wedding. What can I do that Samantha Fox cant ? Fall flat on my face ! What's the difference between a hamster and a nun ? You cant root a nun ! What do you call 1000 tampons on a beach ? Club Med. What did the vampire say to the teacher ? See ya next period. Did you hear about the new Ayatollah Khomeini doll ? You wind it up and it kidnaps Ken and Barbi. Little Jack Horner, sat in the corner, eating his apple pie. He put in his thumb, pulled out a motorcycle, and said.. "!#$*& I could have choked on that!" What happens if an Abo forgets to pay his garbage bill ? They stop delivery. Why would Abbo's make the best Astronauts ? Because they take up space in schools. What's green, blue, yellow, white, orange, purple, black, red, pink and grey? An Italian dressed to go out. What does it say on a negro epileptics ID card ? Help! Im not breakdancing! A Middle Eastern sheik, wanting to treat his eldest on his 2lst birthday, asked what he would like. "An Aeroplane!" replied the overjoyed son. And so he received a Concorde. The next son, 17, was asked what he wanted for Christmas, to which he replied, "An Automobile". His father proudly presented a Rolls Royce antique Phantom to him. The youngest son, 9, was finally asked what would make him happy. "A Mickey Mouse outfit" cried he gleefully. So his father bought him Telecom. (You can substitute Telecom for any organisation which is your pet hate!) Why do women have periods ? Because they deserve them ! What are Haemorrhoids? Speed bumps for poofters. Why isn't Joh circumcised ? Because there is no end to the prick. A guy was walking along a road and found a cricket ball, so he picked it up. He kept walking along the road and found ANOTHER cricket ball... so he picked it up too. He kept walking along the road... and guess what he found ?....A DEAD CRICKET ! How do you recondition an old whore ? Shove a ten pound ham up her cunt and pull out the bone. What's the difference between Phar Lap and Australia II ? You cant poison a yacht. What's black, charred at the edges, and hangs off ceilings ? An Irish electrician. How do you tell when your wife is getting fat ? When she sits on your face and you cant hear the stereo. How do you tell if your girlfriend has been fucked by an elephant ? When she slides over the bar stool. How did Helen Keller burn her face ? Answering the iron. What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday ? Nun. What's the similarity between a Pom and a Computer ? You have to punch them both to get any information out ! What's the Australian version of "That's Incredible" ? "Well I'll be Fucked ". What's white and skims across the water at 2OOMPH ? Lord Mount battens sandshoes. How do you make chips quickly T Hit a leper with a tennis racquet. Did you hear about... the Irishman who thought Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats. the Irishman picking his nose- he took the lining out of his hat. the Irish female paratrooper- pulled the wrong cord and bled to death ! What's blue and doesn't fit ? A dead epileptic. Did you hear about the bus-load of spastics that crashed ? It took three hours to free the bus from the wreckage. What's worse than playing golf with Jack Newton ? Picking him up at the airport. How do boongs keep their lunch warm ? Wrap their noses in Alfoil. What are four things you cant give a Boong ? Straight hair, a black eye, a fat lip, and a JOB ! Did you hear about the Invisible Man marrying the Invisible Woman..? their kids weren't much to look at either. What do you call an Irishman with a car on top of his head ? Jack. Why do Aussies wear thongs so much ? It takes an IQ of over 75 to tie a shoe lace. Why do ballerinas wear tights ? So they wont stick to the floor. What do you call 10 women standing on each others shoulders ? A block of flaps. What's the difference between herpes and love ? Herpes lasts forever. Why did the two lepers fail at playing cards ? One throw his hand in and the other laughed his head off. Scotch finger biscuits, Americans root beer. Why did Jack Newton walk into the plane propeller? He wanted to improve his handicap. How do you get Jack Newton off a plane ? Hose him off. Hear who visited Jack Newton in hospital ? Joan ARMatrading Why did the deaf and dumb chick masturbate with one hand only? So she could moan with the other. What's the difference between an ice-hockey goalie and a Polish woman ? The goalie changes his pads every three periods. What's black and furry and crawls around the back yard ? A Baby covered in Funnel-web Spiders. How do you get a baby into a blender ? Feet first. Why ? So you can see the expression on its face ! What's red and white and sits in front of the mirror ? A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler. Definition of a sanitary napkin... a hammock for a lazy cunt. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter ? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. What's the difference between old whores and young whores ? Polyfilla and Vaseline. What's a test-tube baby's worst enemy ? A dingo with a straw. Did you hear about the guy who chewed his baby's toes off ? He forgot his wife was pregnant. Did you hear Princess Grace was on the radio the other day... and on the dashboard, the bonnet, the windscreen, the dipstick.. Did you hear Willie Nelson died the other day ? He was playing "On the Road Again" How do you make porridge ? Give a leper a bath. What did the leper say to the prostitute ? Keep the tip. What do you call 10,000 niggers at the bottom of the ocean ? A fucking good start ! What has wings, jet engines and whines even when its stopped ? A jumbo full of Poms arriving in Australia. There was this guy who had a really ugly missus who had a sore throat for some time. He sent her to the doctor, who says "Tonsillitis". The husband said he wanted a second opinion, to which the doctor said, "Alright, she's fucking ugly !" A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified when she found her husband in bed with a pretty young thing. Just as she was about ready to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway I came upon this young girl, looking tired and warn, so I offered her a lift, she was hungry so I brought her home and made her a meal with the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator, she had only some warn sandals on her feet, so I gave her some good shoes that you had discarded because they were out of style, she was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday, the one you never wore because the color didn't suit you, her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were too small for you now, and just as she was ready to leave the house, she paused and said, " IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOU WIFE DOESN'T USE ANYMORE The New Priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher, after a few sips, everything will go smoothly. The next Sunday the young priest put the suggestion in practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found the following note from the Monsignor: 1) Next time sip rather than gulp 2) There are Ten Commandments not twelve 3) There are twelve Apostles not ten 4) We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T" 5) The recommended grace before meals is not "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" 6) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him 7) Do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his Apostles as J.C. and the Boys 8) The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are never referred to us by "Big daddy, Junior and the Spook" 9) It is always "The Virgin Mary" never do we call her "Mary with the Cherry" 10) Last but not least, Wednesday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue, when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady just ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant smile, so after bidding his companion goodnight the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with $25.00 and prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $25.00 I'll sue for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in the court as a defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer, explaining the details, of the case. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds but it will be interesting to see how her case is presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows, "your honor, my client, this young lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which my client agreed to rent the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating these premises he paid only 525.00, one half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is a restricted property and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance due." The defendants lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had he originally planned to present it. "Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady had a fine piece of properly, that he did rent it for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his stones and sank a shaft and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim this improvement to the property was sufficient to offset the unpaid balance and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We therefore, ask that the judgment not be granted." The young lady's lawyer's comeback was this: "Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent described. had the defendant, however, not know the well existed he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stone, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to the occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask that the judgment be granted." This farmer walked behind his barn a couple of times and caught his son playing with himself. After enough time like this he decided it was best that the lad get himself a girl to wed. So the arrangements were made and the young fellow got married and things went on in normal fashion. After some time had passed the old man noticed that the young wife wasn't around anymore - and once again caught the young fellow in the back of the barn - doing the same thing. Good heavens -why are you doing that when you had a wife around? "Everything was just fine - but then she complained that her hand was getting tired!" This devout - and fairly newly wed Catholic couple - decided that they would give up sex for Lent. To assure that they didn't break their vow to refrain - they slept in separate bedrooms and she kept the door locked between them. They suffered through the whole time and adhered to their promise to God. When Lent was officially over - she heard a knock at the door - and being quite coy about it she asked "Who's there?" - he - equally coy said- playfully - "I bet you can't guess who this is knocking?" - and her reply was "No - but I bet I can guess what you're knocking with!" Little Boy Blew - He needed the money! Little Miss Muffet, Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey, along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said: What's in the bowl, bitch? A newfie walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde sitting all alone. He walks over and offers to buy her a drink. "Sure" she says "but you aren't going to get anything from me, I'm a lesbian". "Oh" says the newfie "So how was your trip from Lisbon then?". "No you don't understand" she says. "You see that barmaid over there, the really good looking one?". "Yes" he replies. "Well" she says "I'd like to take all her clothes off and make passionate love to her! Now do you understand what a lesbian is?". At this point the newfie break down and starts crying. "What's the matter?" the woman says. "I think I'm a lesbian too." A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were bragging about their large families. Said the Jew, "I've got six daughters, and that's enough for a volleyball team." Replied the Catholic, "Well, I've got nine daughters, and that's enough for a baseball team." The Mormon then says, "I've got 18 wives, and that's a golf course." "Daddy, Daddy," said the boy, "what's a pervert?" "Shut up and keep sucking." Why is marriage like a warm toilet seat? Its comfortable, but you never know who was there before you! What would a married woman's life be without her husband? The same... with one small exception! Man in psychiatrists office says, "I don't know what's wrong with me doc. I've been seeing strange and unusual things lately: Mice with arms, crickets that talk and ducks with speech impediments. Psychiatrist says to the man, "there's nothing wrong with you, you've just been having Disney spells." THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house There were bottles and butts left around by some louse; And the best fifth I'd hidden by the chimney with care, Had been drained by some bum who'd found it right there. My pals, guys and gals, had been poured in their beds To wake in the morning with hung-over heads; My mouth felt like cotton and tasted like crap, Because I was dying for one more nightcap; When through my south window there came such a yell, I sprang to my feet to see what the hell...? And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see, But eight drunken reindeer caught in a tree. There amongst the branches was a man in a sleigh; I saw it was Santa, all oiled-up and gay. Staggering blindly, those eight reindeer came, While he hiccoughed and farted and called them by name: "On Whiskey! On Vodka! We ain't got all night! You, too, Gin and Brandy, now let's get it right! Clamber up on the roof, get the hell off this wall. Get moving, you dummies! We've got a long haul!" So, up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh, But a tree-branch caught Santa and knocked him away. And then to my ears, like the roll of a barrel, Came a hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol. Well, I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear, As down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear. He was dressed all in red with soot for a trim, And the way that he swayed, he was tanked to the brim. The sack in his hand held nothing but booze, And the breath he exhaled almost put me to snooze. He was red-faced and wheezing as he tried to stand right, But he didn't fool me -- he was high as a kite! He spoke not a word but went straight to this work. (He missed half the stockings, that plastered old jerk!) Then, putting his thumb to the end of his nose, He fluttered his fingers and up the chimney he rose. He sprang for his sleigh at so hasty a pace That he tripped on a shingle and fell flat on his face. But I heard him belch out as he passed from my sight, "Merry Christmas, you wishes, have fun getting tight!" How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb" Two. One to get the giraffe and the other to paint the bathtub pink. There was a big charity day arranged by the three local church leaders, the Catholic Priest, Anglican Minister and the Jewish Rabbi. After a big day of all sorts of happenings, time came to count all the money. Before dividing the money between the three churches, the three decided they deserved a little cut each for themselves for all their hard work. The Catholic Priest said, why not draw a circle, then stand in the middle and throw all the money up in the air. What lands in the circle is what God wants for himself, and what lands out of the circle will be for us. The Anglican Minister says, no no, let's draw a circle, throw all the money in the air, and then what lands out of the circle is what God wants for himself, and the rest is for us! The Rabbi says, no no, a much better solution, let's draw a circle, stand in the middle, throw all the money up in the air and then what God wants, HE CAN KEEP ! How do you make an aboriginal pregnant? Come on her leg and let the flies work it up. Everybody who has a dog calls him "rover" or "boy". i call mine "sex". now, sex has been very embarrassing to me. when i went to the city hall to renew his dog license, i told the clerk i would like a license for sex. he said, "i'd like to have one too!" then i said, "but this is a dog." he said he didn't care what she looked like. then i sAID, "you don't understand. i've had sex since i was 9 years old. " he said i must have been quite a kid. when i got married and went on my honeymoon, i took sex with me. i told the motel clerk that i wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for sex. he said that every room in the place was for sex. i said, "you don't understand. sex keeps me awake at night." the clerk said "me, too." one day, i entered sex in a contest, but before competition began, the dog ran away. another contestant asked why i was just standing there looking around. i told him i had planned to have sex in the contest. he told me i- sHOULD have sold my own tickets. "but, you don't understand." i said. "i had hoped to have sex on tv." he called me a show-off. when my wife and i separated, we went to court to fight for the custody of the dog. i said, "your honor, i had sex before i was married." the judge said, "me, too." then i told him that after i was married sex left me. he said, "me, too." last night, sex ran off again. i spent hours looking around town for him. a cop came over to me and asked, "what are you doing in this alley at 2 o'clock in the morning?" i said i was looking for sex. my case comes up friday What does 6.9 equal? A great time ruined by a period! Man, married to older woman, who has just been told her first husband was better in bed, says back to her, "Of COURSE your first husband was better, he had a younger wife." Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma's house when the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a bush and says "Hello, little girl. I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I'm going to fuck you!" To which, Little Red Riding Hood says "Oh, no you're not, you're going to eat me just like it says in the book!" How do they separate the men from the boys in Greece? With a crowbar! Why didn't the Turkey Carcass cross the road? He didn't have the guts. A coal miner went to his doctor with a terrible pain in his penis. The doctor asks him to lower his trousers. The doctor pulls back the foreskin and find a big wad of chewing gum. "What's this chewing gum doing here??" the doc asks. "Well, it's dirty in the mine and there's nowhere to put my gum, so I just tuck under my foreskin..." The doc pulls the miner's foreskin back even further and finds another big wad of chewing gum. "What's this piece of chewing gum doing here then?" the doc asks. "Well" the miner says, "I've got a friend who's Jewish and I mind his gum for him..." Doc says "Isn't that a bit unhygienic?" Miner says "Yeah, I s'pose that's true, we could get our gum mixed up." She was only the miner's daughter, but I let her work on my shaft. What's the difference between a bowling ball and Joan Collins? You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. (Answer true or false) Sex Quiz. l. A clitoris is a type of flower. 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. 3. A vulva is a Swedish car. 4. The term "Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. 5. A Fallopian tube is part of a T. V. 6. It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an electric blanket. 7. Copulation is sex between two consenting policemen. 8. McDonalds's golden arches are a phallic symbol. 9. A vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. 10. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. 11. Fellatio is an Italian dagger. 12. A G-string is a weapon used by G-men. 13. Semen is a term for sailors. 14. An anus is a greek word denoting period of time. 15. Testicles are found on an octopus. 16. Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages 17. Asphalt is a medical term used to describe someone with rectal problems. 18. Kotex is a radio station in Dallas, Texas. 19. Masturbate is something used to catch large fish. 20. Coitus is a musical instrument. 21. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke" 22. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 23. A condom is an apartment complex. 24. A rectum is what you are for taking this test. A certain young lady from Kew Said, as the Bishop withdrew, "The Vicar is quicker, And thicker and slicker, And two inches longer than you". What's a "nice" name for a pimp? A Fornicator! It's that time of year, so here goes: This one lusty young lady wanted to meet Santa. She dressed in a flimsy negligee, put a robe over it, and sat down to wait. In the middle of the night, THUD!, where was Santa at the bottom of the chimney. The lady waits until he is done putting the presents away, and then goes up to him. "Please, Santa, can you stay awhile?" To which he replies, "Ho, ho, ho; I've got to go! I've got some toys, for the girls and boys!" Well, she takes off her robe, and says, "Pretty please, Santa???" To which he replies, "Ho, ho, ho; I've got to go... I've got some toys, for the, the girls and boys..." She then takes off her negligee, and says, "Can you stay with me now?" To which he replies, "Hey, Hey, Hey; I've GOT to stay! I can't get up the chimney THIS way!" This couple was running late - in their preparation for the big party they were going to. The wife was totally tied up in taking care of her own needs. The husband had on a pair of trousers that had a buttoned fly - and one of the damn buttons had come off and needed resewing. The wife simply did not have the time to tend to it so she suggested he run across the street to have their neighbour lady friend take care of the matter. And so he did. A little bit later he came :back with the button sewn on all right- but he was terribly beaten up. Just a mess - black eyes - the whole works. "Good grief - what in the world happened to you - you just went over there for the button to be sewed on - and now look at you!" "Well - when I told her what I wanted done - she immediately said that would just take her a second - and so she tended to the matter - and everything was just perfect until she bent over to bite the thread and her husband came in the door." What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley! On the breasts of a harlot from Yale Was tattooed the price of her tail On her behind for the sake of the blind Was the same information in Braille. What do Visine (eye drops) and Tampax have in common? THEY BOTH GET THE RED OUT! What do hookers do on their nights off? Go down to the morgue and suck back a few cold ones. A young girl is taking a bath with her father and she says, "Daddy, when am I gonna get one of those hairy things between my legs?" He says "when your mother goes out to play bingo." There was a frog who was created yellow. He didn't like this, so he went to Mother Nature. "Hey, I'd like to be another color", he says, "how about green?" So, Mother Nature makes him green, except for his dick, which is still yellow. "Hey, what about my dick?" he asks. "Oh, I can't help you there," she replies, "you'll have to see the Wizard". So off he goes. So then a bear is complaining that HE was created yellow. He complains to Mother Nature, says he wants to be brown. So Mother Nature turns him brown, except for (yes, you guessed it) his dick. "Turn it brown, too!" he demands. "Can't do it, see the Wizard", Mother Nature says. "How do I get there", he asks. "Easy. Follow the yellow-prick toad." Early Retirement Programme Due to the economic situation, Management has decided to reduce the current workforce and has devised a Reduction of Employees programme. Under this plan, older employees will be placed in early retirement permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the company. A programme to phase out the older personnel (over 40) by the end of the current financial year will be put into effect immediately. This programme will be known as RAPE (Retirement, Aged Personnel, Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the company provided that, while they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the programme will be known as SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may apply for a final review. This phase will be known as STUFFED (Study of Termination of Use For Further Education and Development). Programme policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but can get STUFFED as many times as the management sees fit. Why did the rubber fly? Because it was pissed off. How do you re-cycle a rubber? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it! When the young groom came to bed on his wedding night, he was surprised to find a large padlocked chest at the foot of the bed. "What's that for?" he asked his wife. She wouldn't tell him, saying only that the contents were a secret she could never share with him. Reluctantly her gallant husband honoured her privacy and considered the odd matter closed. Years passed, and finally, on their 5Oth wedding anniversary, the husband's curiosity got the best of him. He approached his wife and literally begged her to tell him what was inside the chest. Gazing into his pleading eyes, she smiled and agreed to open the chest. Fetching the key, she raised the lid: Inside were two ears of corn and $50,000. "Corn?" said the surprised old man. "What in heaven's name is that for?" "Well," his wife confessed, "every time I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the chest." The man looked from his wife to the chest. He was surprised to learn that she'd been unfaithful, but he had to admit twice in 50 years wasn't too bad. He smiled. "I understand," he said softly. "And the $50,000? What's that for?" She replied, "Every time I had a bushel, I sold it." Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the jungle? He who writes on shithouse walls rolls his shit in little balls he who reads these words of wit eats these little balls of shit. A teacher comes into her class and found an apple on her chair with the initials T T T W L U carved in it. The teacher asked the class if anybody knew what the initials stood for? One student stood up and said "To The Teacher We Love You". "How sweet", she sighed. A few days later she was again pleased to find another piece of fruit on her desk, this time a water mellon. However she was not pleased to see the initials F U C K carved in it. She cried out "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? A little black boy stood up and said "it means FROM US COLOURED KIDS." How do you tell a New Zealander in a shoe store? He's the one that cracks a fat when he walks past the uggboots. What's the definition of a Tasmanian virgin? A girl that can run faster than her brothers. OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose job is to follow the producer around and say, "Yes, CB", "Right, CB" and so on. Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to find a release for his negative feelings, and say "No." "But if I said 'no' I'll get fired!" The yes man protested. The psychiatrist said, "Oh, I don't mean on the job, I mean go out to the Grand Canyon and find a ledge off the trail, and there you can yell "NO!" to your hearts content and no one will be the wiser." Well, the Yes Man decided to try it. He went to the Grand Canyon and found a spot off the trail, and stood there and very timidly said, "no." It felt good, so he tried it a little louder, "No." Even better! soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! ! ! !" AT the top of his lungs and feeling great. He went back to work a changed man, and said "Yes!" with all the proper enthusiasm, because on the weekend he could escape to the Grand Canyon and say "NO!" Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon every weekend the Grand Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!" A new Yes Man came to Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a release, but when he tried to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of them seemed to be taken. He hunted and hunted, but every place he found was already taken by another Yes Man. Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because of its size. Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said "No." It felt great! So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!" and in so doing lost his balance and fell to his death. Which just goes to prove that a little No Ledge can be a dangerous thing. You know the story of Noah's Ark, of course. Well, after the flood when the ark came to rest on Ararat, Noah released all the animals, and held a meeting and explained to them that the Lord wanted them to be fruitful and multiply and repopulate the earth. Then he sent them out about it. In a week he went around to check on things. Well, the place was humming with activity: the insects had all reproduced of course, so there were flies, mosquitos, bees, and so on, and the small animals like the mice and hamsters were pregnant, the birds were building nests, and the other animals were getting about the courting process, all except the two snakes, down by the stream in a swampy bit no one else wanted. They were just lying there, curled up on two rocks in the sun. "Hey, be fruitful and multiply!" Noah told them. The male snake raised his head and said, "Don't sweat it!" So Noah went back to his business. A couple of weeks later Noah made another trip around. Well, the insects were into the third generation already, and the place was fairly hopping with baby hamsters, mice, bunnies, and so on. The cat and the dog were both pregnant, and the birds were all sitting clutches of eggs. Even some of the larger animals were showing signs of mating. All but the snakes. The only sign of activity there was the two had changed rocks. Noah again enjoined them to get with it. "We're cool!" The male snake assured him. A few weeks later Noah again made the rounds. By now the place was beginning to look fairly bursting with animals. Almost all the large animals were pregnant by now, and many birds had hatched, there was a litter of kittens, and the dog was expecting her litter any minute. Noah however hurried down to the stream to see the snakes. He found them chopping down trees, sawing the wood into logs and building furniture! "Will you two get with it!" He said. "Don't sweat it, everything is under control!" The male snake replied. Well, a few weeks later Noah again took a look around. By now even the elephant was pregnant, and the place was alive with baby animals. But again Noah hurried down to check on those snakes. When he got there, the area around the stream was positively wiggling with baby snakes. Which of course proves that ANYBODY can multiply with log tables! Can anyone identify the following: Fe Fe Fe \ | / Fe --*-- Fe / | \ Fe Fe Fe A ferrous wheel HI \ Ag / HO Hi Ho Silver!! Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zoo keepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absent-mindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, I500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. Baseball is not played in Italy's capital city anymore, it has been report. The reason? Quote reliable sources, "This is a direct consequence of the fall of the Roman umpire." The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?" Why is a virgin like a firecracker? Cause one bang and they ain't no more! Why do mice have such small balls? Very few of them know how to dance! "HOW THEY BABYLON!" Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary. Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready? Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix? Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit? Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales. Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java. Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourse1f I'm only here to Serbia. Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphoru5, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am! Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat! Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice! Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia! Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is open. The conductor was getting more and more fed-up with the orchestra. In particular, one female cellist was losing every way. Finally, the conductor said to her, "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument that could give pleasure to thousands, and all you can seem to do is scratch it." Fertility is hereditary... If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you. Sterility is hereditary. OLD PROVERB: PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T. INSANITY IS HEREDITARY. . . YOU GET IT FROM YOUR Km S. WHY ARE DOLLY PARTON'S FEET SMALL? BECAUSE THINGS DON'T GROW VERY LARGE IN THE SHADE. You know it's going to be a bad day when. . . .... your twin sister forgets your birthday. .... you wake up face down on the pavement. .... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. .... you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. .... you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. .... your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. .... your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. .... you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any. .... you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. .... the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. .... you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed. .... your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. Well, it seems that this gentleman was travelling by rail in Europe, and happened to sit down in the lounge-car (the bar) next to a couple of young Swedish lads. These two introduced themselves as Stig, and Olf. Now Stig was a pleasant enough fellow, but Olf w rather taciturn. In fact, Olf was a real "teddy-boy" -- that is to say in the English parlance) a greaser, or what we would call a "punk". Time dragged on, and they each had a beer. Our hero, took an approving sip of his beer. "Ah, that's go " he said. Stig agreed with him, but Olf took one si, spit it out, and proceeded to curse the waiter for the lousy beer. "I didn't think it was that bad," said our traveller. "Ah," said Stig, "rude Olf, the ted, knows, train beer." How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with your wife? You will have to wait 22 months. Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming 1. Any running program is obsolete. 2. Any planned program costs more and takes longer. 3. Any useful program will have to be changed. 4. Any useless program will have to be documented. 5. The size of a program expands to fill all available memory. 6. The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of output 7. The complexity of a program grows until it exceeds the capability of the maintainers. 8. Information necessitating a change in design is always conveyed to the implementors after the code is written. Corollary: Given a simple choice between one obviously right way and one obviously wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision. 9. The more innocuous a modification appears, the more code it will require rewriting. 10. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction. 11. Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered. 12. Interchangeable modules won't. 13. Any system that relies on computer reliability is unreliable. 14. Any system that relies on human reliability is unreliable. 15. Investment in reliability increases until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. 16. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 17. There's always one more bug. HOW MANY PROTESTANTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB? TWO. ONE TO MAKE THE MARTINIS AND ONE TO CALL THE ELECTRICIAN. Two men are caught having stolen a calendar. The judge gave them six months each! How many 370's does it take to execute a program? Four, Three to hold it down and one to chop its head off Why did the Greek boy leave home? Because he wanted to go roman... -or- Why did the Greek boy leave home? Because he didn't like the way his father reared him... How many Zen monks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one not too. Why couldn't the computer teacher have se Because he had a floppy dick! Did anyone hear about the Irish Sea-Scout? His tent sank! Hear about the Irishman who went to the drive-in and hated the movie? He slashed the seats! "'Tis a terrible shame about that thick cloud," Murphy complained to the two Americans who were standing nearby on the observation deck of the Empire State Building. "Yez can't see a thing". "Well," one replied, "you may not be able to see bud, but it has its benefits. That there cloud is so thick that if you fell off here you'd hit the cloud and bounce right back again." "Away with yez," said Murphy. "Yez think because Oi'm Oirish Oi'm going to believin' yez!" "No, no," said the Yank. "Its true. Look, I'll prove it." So saying he jumped off the building. Two seconds later he hit the cloud and, sure enough, bounced back to the observation deck. "Oi don't believe me oiyes," cried Murphy. "I'll do it again," said the Yank. "That cloud is as soft as a down pillow." Over the side he went and back up he came again. "Well," said Murphy, "seein's believen'. Oi'll have ago." Over the side jumped Murphy. He hit the cloud and continued on through to be stopped forever by the pavement. On the top of the tower the silent American turned to the other and said: "You can be a real bastard at times, Superman!" "Is that Dublin double two, double three, double two?" "No. This is Dublin two two, three three, two two." "Oh. Wrong number. Sorry to disturb ye." "Don't be worrying. Shure the phone was ringing and I had to answer it anyway." The Irish policeman pulled up beside Paddy who was driving a brand-new Mercedes. "Pull over and out ye get," he roared. Paddy obliged. "Now," said the cop, "Oi don't believe for a minute that yez own this car and Oi'm going to make yez tell me who does." So saying he drew a chalk circle on the ground. "Stand inside that and stay there. Now if yez don't tell me who owns this Oi'm going to smash the dashboard." Paddy made no reply, so the cop turned and smashed all the glass on the dashboard gauges. He turned back to find Paddy smiling. Furious, he shouted, "Shure now, Oi'm not joking. Tell me who owns the car or Oi'll rip the seats to pieces." Paddy stood in the circle and said nothing, so the cop set to work and ripped the leather upholstery to shreds. Again he turned back to find Paddy grinning broadly. "A joke, yez think it's a joke, do yez?" roared the cop. "For the last time man, tell me who owns the car or I'll set fire to it." But Paddy stood his ground and said nothing. So the cop made good his word. He threw petrol all over the gleaming Mercedes and set fire to it. As the flames engulfed the once magnificent motorcar he turned to find Paddy doubled up with laughter. "Ye great arsehole," roared the cop. "Now Oi know its not yer car. Shure yez wouldn't be laughing if it was." "Oi'm not laughing at that," Paddy chokes out, the tears of laughter rolling down his cheeks, "it's just that every time yez turned yer back Oi jumped out of the fucking circle!" What about the poor bastard arrested at Mount Druitt Shopping Square today, he had no legs...... ...the cops charged him with arsing his way around the square....... poor bastard didn't have a leg to stand on.... he went before the court and then the judge charged him with no visible means of support .... .... ! ! ! Did ya hear the one about the tugboat who was so down hearted when she learned that her mother was a tramp and her father was a ferry? WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN 1. You can enjoy a beer all month long 2. Beer stains wash out 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer 4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car for you while you play football 5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out 6. Beer is never late 7. Hangovers go away 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer 9. Beer labels come off without a fight 10. When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer 11. Beer never has a headache 12. After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth ten cents 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer on your breath 14. If you pour a beer right you'll always get good head 15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty 16. A beer always goes down easy 17. You can share a beer with your friends 18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer 19. Beer is always wet 20. Beer doesn't demand equality 21. You can have a beer in public 22. A beer doesn't care when you come 23. A frigid beer is a good beer 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good 25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony Warsaw....... Polish airline flight 12 crashed while taking off from Warsaw International Airport. The Boeing 727 crashed into a local cemetery. The Polish National News service reports that 800 have been found dead. Polish Airlines representative Tedus Kasabowski reports that many more bodies are expected to be found when digging resumes in the morning. Did you hear about the guy who dreamed about hanging wallpaper? He woke up with a handful of paste. Hear about the man who married a nun?? None in the morning and none at night.... How many californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb None, they doen't screw in light bulbs, they screw in jacuzzi's Why shouldn't couples buy waterbeds? They'll drift apart. What would you call a black guy that stutters? A cocoon. How do you make a VENETIAN BLIM7? You poke his eyes out. A guy was driving to work this morning when all of a sudden, a little elf appeared on the seat next to him. "I'll grant you any wish you like." he said. "Why don't I get three wishes?" the guy asked. "Because I'm an elf, not a genie!" he said. "OK," the guy said, "I'd like to have $ 1000 for every day of the rest of my life." The elf thought a minute, then gave him $50. These three strings were out for a night on the town and decided to stop at the liquor store and get a few beers. Unfortunately, they were well aware that the store owner had a terrible prejudice against strings, especially young strings. But they decided to try anyway. The first string went into the store and asked the man for a 6 pack. The man looked at him and said "Are you a string?". The string replied that he was, and the man sent him away. He went back and told his buddies, so the second decided to try. He, too, was sent back after the same exchange. So the third string decided to try, but before entering the store, he twisted himself around into a tangle, then unravelled his ends, presenting a very different appearance. As he entered the store, the owner said incredulously, "Hey, are you another one of those strings?" "Nope," said the string, "frayed knot." Two gays driving in their car have an accident with a man driving an eighteen wheeler One of the gays jumps out of his crumpled auto and starts yelling at the trucker. The trucker says, "Aw, why doncha suck my cock!?". The gay returns to his friend in the car and says, "Don't worry about this one, I think I can settle out of court!" A lusty young fellow from Kent Had a schlong so long that it bent. To save himself trouble He slid it in double And instead of coming he went. Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after you eat Did you hear about the Arab that travelled in the desert for six days without passing water. Two old ladies were in a movie theatre, watching the film, when one turned to the other and said, "Gertrude? the man on the other side of me is playing with himself!" Gertrude brindled: "Heavens! we must leave immediately! "We can't." "Why not?" "He's using MY hand. . . " Bless Australia I Say. by: Hy Pin Ho (as told to Tony Walker) In Vietnam things not okay Think to self "must get away" So jump on boat and come to Aussie "Ah, so" I say, "what a lovely possie" Go quick smart to welfare fella He hand me money - I give Bank Teller Welfare say: "come here no more, We send you cheque, right to your door." Six months on dole - no longer poor Ah drive around in Commodore. Write to friends in Vietnam Tell them "come here quick as can" Still at welfare, (but work at job) So get lone from Finance mob. Get pretty smart - know what to do Buy big house in Mullaloo. Friends write and tell me "on the way" Can I find them place to stay. When they arrive - with beds I fix In just four rooms get twenty-six. Soon am banking plenty rent (five in backyard - live in tent) All are drawing social money Must think Hawke "Bloody Bunny" With all my friends, now living here Next door neighbour start to swear. Tell me he must move away, I buy his house - with cash I pay. Now everything going good Soon I own all neighbourhood Open fish shop next to Coles, Make big profit from spring rolls. Get real fat from eating nice Sure as hell beats bloody rice. Still on welfare - still gets rents, Think I buy Mercedes Benz. Very happy - real good live Bring out girl and make her wife. Take up hobby - call it breeding Baby bonus pay for feeding. Kids need dentist - wife needs pills, We get for free - we get no bills. White man good, he pay all year To keep welfare running here. We think Australia - dam good place Too dam good for Aussie race. So if you no like yellow man Plenty room in Vietnam. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils. You can lead a horse to water; get him to float on his back & you've got something! When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout. Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency. Bug? What bug, that's a feature. Always draw your curves then plot the readings. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never try to out stubborn a cat. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. I ain't broke, but I' m badly bent. Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. Bedfellows make strange politicians. Thoreau says... Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. Voltaire says... Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A rolling stone gathers momentum. Gravity doesn't exist: the earth sucks. Ahhhhhhhh, I forget what I was going to say. Organization is the enemy of improvisation. On a clear disk you can seek forever. Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits. Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. It works better if you plug it in. Queensland has the best politicians money can buy. Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Some men are discovered; others are found out. That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don't feel like it Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics. When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. Variables won't; constants aren't. Interchangeable devices won't. Don't force it, get a larger hammer. I hate Mondays. Psykicks: The story of a nut that goes to the footy. If the eyes have it, why don't the ears catch it? Bad spellers of the world: untie! Deception is cheaper than cure. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage. An apple a day keeps the farmers happy. The bomb is coming! Mutate now and avoid the rush. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. All's well that ends. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. It's been lonesome in the saddle since my horse died. You can't be fit as a fiddle if you look like a cello. If you don't say anything, you won't be called upon to repeat it. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy. Everyone makes mistakes. I'm just good at it. Never put off to tomorrow what you can do the day after. If you can't trust your memory, be careful to tell the truth. Parity errors are a bit too much for me. Ten apples a day ensures a good time with the doctor's wife. Life is a fatal, sexually transmitted disease. NATO - Not Able To Organize. HONDA - Highly Overpriced Non Describable Automobile. BE INCOMPREHENSIBLE! If they cant understand you, they cant disagree. Confusious say "Man with girl pinned on ground, have piece on earth." Hire a teenager...... while they still know everything! Humpty dumpty was pushed. The Mona Lisa was framed! There are no answers, only cross-references. It's better to burn out, than to fade away! The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. Don't make the same mistake twice - keep coming up with new ones. When everyone agrees with you, it's time to check your facts. Best to be quiet and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. There are more foolish buyers than foolish sellers. When in doubt, mumble. He who can smile in the face of adversity has found someone else to blame. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you - snore and you sleep alone. I think sex is better than logic - but I can't prove it. You can lead a horse to drink but you can't make him water. Better a bald head, than none at all. Don't vote - you'll only encourage them. Donald duck isn't all he's quacked up to be. Man does not live on bread alone. He likes a good steak every so often. Karl Marx' grave is a communist plot. Once a king always a king, but once a night is enough. Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue. Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door fumbling for your keys. Ferguson's Law: A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget the whole thing." Steele's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something... I believe I'll have another drink. Imbesi's Law: In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty. Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Brenda's Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last. Levy's Ninth Law: Only God can make a random selection. Jensen's Law: Win or lose, you lose. Alan's Law: All things being equal, you lose. Marks' Law: A fool and your money are soon partners. Law of the Office: Important letters which contain no errors will develops errors in the mail. Weber's Definition: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows nothing at all. Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time and all some of the time but you can't fool Mom. Telesco's Nursing Law: All the IV's are at the other end of the Hall. Chisholm's Corollary: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. Doyle's Law: No matter how many share a cab, each puts the full fare on their expense account. Law of Life's Highway: If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Thom's Law of Marital Bliss: The length of marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding. Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. Hawkins' Theory: Progress consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong. Anthony's Shop Law: Any tool dropped will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series once and watch it again, it will be a rerun. Roger's Law: As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airliner encounters turbulence. Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income. Matilda's Sub-Committee Law: If you leave the room, you're elected. The Pace of Progress: Society is a mule, not a car... ...if pressed too hard, it will throw off its rider. Clark's Law: The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. Murray's Rule of Baseball: Whatever can go to New York, will. Lavia's Law of Tennis: A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her opposition. The Green Thumb Law: The life of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness. Grossman's Lemma: Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. O'Brien's Law: Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. Farmer's Credo: Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure. Jones' Law of TV: The only new show worth watching will be cancelled. Worker's Law: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. Worker's Corollary: What you don't do is always more important than what you do. Rominger's Rule for Students: The more general the title of a course, the less you learn from it. Cheit's Lament: If you help a friend in need he's sure to remember you - the next time he's in need. Murray's Rule of Football: Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made Atwood's Fourteenth Corollary: No books are lost by lending except those Young's Law: All great discoveries are made by mistake Ron's Observation for Teens: The pimples don't appear until the hour Parker's Observation: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes by firing the coach. particularly wanted to keep. the date. to the bone. Evan's Law: If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem. Rune's Rule: If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. The Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood. Frothingham's Corollary: The mountain looks closer than it is. Professors Block's Motto: Forgive and Remember. Murphy's Flu Philosophy: Just because your doctor has a name for it doesn't mean he knows what it is. McGowan's Axiom: If a Christmas gift is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. Miles' Rule: Where you stand depends on where you sit. Finman's Principle: The one you want is never the one on sale. Murphy's Tenth Corollary: Mother Nature is a bitch. Law of Gifts: You get the most of what you need the least. Farnsdick's Corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself Nothing is as easy as it looks. If it looks easy, it's tough... If it looks tough, it's impossible. The one time of the day you lean back and relax is the one time of the day the boss walks through the office. If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game. If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it. If it jams, force it.... If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will. No matter what goes wrong, ,there is always somebody who knew it would. An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. John's Corollary: Two wrongs are only the beginning. Alan's Corollary: Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an aeroplane. The Watergate Principle: Government corruption will always be reported in the past tense. Todd's Political Principle: No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money. Murray's rule of Basketball: A free agent is anything but. Knox's Principle: An acquired player fades, a traded player rises to stardom. Jones' Law of TV: The show you've been looking forward to all week will be pre-empted. No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. Law of the Search: The first place to look for something is the last place you'd expect to find it. Arthur's Law of Love: People to whom you are attracted think you remind them of someone else. Ehrman's Law: Things will get worse before they get better. Who said they'll get better? park's First Rule: trive to look tremendously important. ooper's Metalaw: proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes. eep anything long enough and you can throw it away. hrow it away and you will need it next day. 'Reilly's Spring Cleaning Law: leanliness is next to impossible. iner's Dilemma: clean tie attracts the soup of the day. Gumperson's Law: he probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its esirability. O'Toole's commentary: Murphy was an optimist. Porkingham's Law: The time available to go fishing shrinks as fishing season draws near. The slowest checker is always at the quick check-out lane. The client who pays the least complains the most. Bocklage's Law: He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke. Rev. Chichester's Law: If the weather is extremely bad or extremely good, attendance will be down. Jacquin's Postulate: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe when legislature is in session. Murphy's Observation: When it rains, it pours. Todd's First Law: All things being equal, you lose. 5th Law of the Office: Vital papers will move from where you left them to where you can't find them. Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. Truman's Law: If you cannot convince them, confuse them. First Rule of Superior Inferiority: Don't let your superiors know you're superior to them. First Law of Travel: It always takes longer to get there than to get back. Lee's Law: In dealing with a body of people, the people will be more tacky than expected. Bedfellows Rule: The one who snores will fall asleep first. Newton's Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. If it's good, they discontinued it. Price's Law: If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to the universe. Deal's Sailing Law: The amount of wind varies inversely with the number and experience of the crew. When the plane you're on is late, your connecting flight is on time. When the plane you're on is on time, your connecting flight is late. Fiske's Teenage Corollary: The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available. Patry's Law: If you know something can go wrong and prepare, something else will go wrong. Murphy's Seventh Corollary: Every solution breeds new problems. Perkins' Postulate: The bigger they are... the harder they hit. The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously. If there are only two shows on TV worth watching this week, "they will be on at the same time. Kitman's Law: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. Zymurgy's Labour Law: People are always available for work in the past tense. Seit's Law of Higher Education: The one course you need for graduation is not offered your last semester. Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough... everyone leaves. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. No matter how much you know, you'll never know enough. What you don't do is always more important than what you do. Murray's Hockey Rule: Hockey is a game played by six good players and the home team. Olivers's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Gillenson's Law of Expectation: Never get excited over how people look from behind. Heisenberg's Principle: You may know where the Stock Market is going, but not after that. If you're early, it's cancelled, if you're on time, it's late, if you're late, you're late. Tood's First Law: No matter what they're telling you, it's not the whole truth. Whistler's Law: You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge. Murphy's Flu Law: If you seem to be getting better, it's your doctor getting worse. Law of the Kitchen: You're always complemented on the item that took the least effort to prepare. No matter how hard you shop for an item, after you bought it, you will find it on sale. Hadley's Law of Clothing: If you like it, they don't have it in your size. Wallace's Observation: Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment. Alan's View on Life: Life's a bitch, time's a bastard, then you die and get over it. Gattuso's Extension: Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. Fahnestock's Rule: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later the worst is bound to occur. When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel, it will probably be a train coming toward you. Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent. Merkin's Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. Glyme's Formula: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. Dykstra's Law: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Stenderup's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. Leo Rogers' Commentary: If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing. No matter how well you do your job, a superior will seek to modify the results. Alexander Bell's Theorem: When a body is immersed in water, the phone rings. Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get. Rockefeller's Principle: Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing. Newton's Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Byrne's Law of Concreting: When you pour, it rains. Evans' and Bjorn's Law: No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would. 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything. The General Law: The chaos in the universe always increases. Murphy's Philosophy: Smile. . . tomorrow will be worse. Connor's Second Law: If something is confidential it will be left in the copier machine. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Law of Construction: Cut it large and kick it into place. O'Toole's Axiom: One child is not enough, but two are far too many. Las Vegas Law: Never bet on a loser because his luck is bound to change. Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion. Thom's Law of Marital Bliss: The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding. Patton's Law: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. Miller's Law: Exceptions prove the rule - and wreck the budget. Murphy's Government Law: If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate. Porkingham's Fishing Philosophy: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. Stitzer's Vacation Principle: Take half as much clothing and twice as much money. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. Hoffer's Law: When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. Moser's Law of Sports: Exciting plays only occur when you're watching the scoreboard or buying a hot dog. Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Wagner's Law of Sports TV: When the camera isolates on a male athlete, he will either spit, pick or scratch. Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." Katz's Law: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. The pet principle: No matter which side of the door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side. Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. Hoffstedt's Employment Principle: Confusion creates jobs. Student's Law: Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study for his course. Reynold's Law of Climatology: Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo. There is nothing so simple that it can't be done wrong. Lefty Gomez's Law: If you don't throw it, they can't hit it. Seay's Law: Nothing ever comes out as planned. Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. Seymour's Investment Principle: Never invest in anything that eats. Alan's Second Law: Never eat anything bigger than your head. Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. Walter's Law of Politics: A fool and his money are soon elected. Brintnall's Law: If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both. Thiessen's Law of Gastronomy: The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the roll. Murphy's Flu Philosophy: Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders. If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone. Baker's Law: You never want the one you can afford. Young's Principle of Individuality: Everybody wants to peel their own banana. Thine's Law: Nature abhors people. Lord balfour's Contention: Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. Goebel's Law of Rush Hour Traffiic: What speeds up, must slow down. But who says it's ever gonna speed up? Scott's First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to be correct originally. Finagle's First Rule: To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. Finagle's Second Rule: Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. Finagle's Third Rule: Always draw your curves first, then plot your data. Finagle's Fourth Rule: In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. Finagle's Fifth Rule: Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. Finagle's Sixth Rule: Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Klipstein's Engineering Law: Dimensions will always be in the wrong units, such as furlongs per fortnight. Johnson and Laird's Law: A toothache tends to start on Saturday night. Etorre's observation: The other line always moves faster. Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't. Law of Computer programming: Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Law of Computer programming: If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. Law of Computer programming: If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. Law of Computer programming: The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. Law of Computer programming: Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the maintainer. Law of Computer programming: Computers are unreliable; but humans are even more unreliable. Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Alan's Law of Force: If it doesn't fit, you're not hitting it hard enough. Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. Alan's Law of Research: The theory is supported as long as the funds are Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Alan's Law of Success: If at first you succeed, you have no idea what you're doing. Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistics. Peer's Law: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. Young's law: All great discoveries are made by mistake. Young's Corollary: The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake. Hoare's Law: Inside every large problem is a small problem trying to get out. Futility Law: No experiment is a complete failure - it can always serve as a negative example. Campbell's Law: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. Vail's Axiom: In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level. Alan's Corollary on Time: Time sucks Cornuelle's Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them. Truman's Law: If you cannot convince them, confuse them. First Law of Debate: Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference. There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. Wiler's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. John's Collateral Corollary: In order to get a loan you must first prove that you don't need it. Miller's Law: You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it. Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Katz's Law: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. Jones's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. Alan's Motto: It's easier to make true enemies than true friends. Davis' Answer to Roger's Law: Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence. Drew's Law: The client who pays the least complains the most. Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Ray's precision Rule: Measure with a micrometer - Mark with chalk - Cut with an axe. Devries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want will hit the paper. Finagle's Eighth Rule: Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. Greer's Third Law: A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. Steinbach's Guideline: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Winger's Rule: If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you be just become the expert. Matz's Maxim: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Fagin's Rule: Hindsight is an exact science. Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Law of Tests: When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible. Law of Tests: 80% of the final will be on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read. Law of Tests: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. Moser's Law of Sports: Exciting plays only occur when you're are watching the scoreboard or buying food. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Hershiser's First Rule: Anything NEW and/or IMPROVED, isn't. Hershiser's Second Rule: The Label NEW and/or IMPROVED means the price went up. Beryl's Law: The "CONSUMER REPORT" on the item will come out a week after you buy the item. Hamilton's glass cleaning law: The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side. Skoffs Law: A child will not spill on a dirty floor. Ballance's Law of Relativity: The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. Kovac's conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Jacob's Law: To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human. Logic... allows one to be wrong with authority. Don't let your mind wander.... it's too small to be out by itself She was only the undertaker's daughter, but any man cadaver. She was only the admiral's daughter, but her naval base was full of semen. She was only the candy man's daughter, but she could sure make your peanut brittle. She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her. No, No, SUCK... "Blow" is only an expression. Intelligence is when you spot the flaw in your boss's reasoning. Wisdom is when you refrain from pointing it out. Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics. I have altzheimer's and bullimia, I binge and forget to purge. Nothing succeeds like a parrot without a beak. A new, beautiful, yoeman had just been assigned to assist Captain Kirk with his paperwork. After a few days, she came to him complaining that some of the crewmen had drilled a hole into her sonic shower in her quarters. The Captain promised to look into it. What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair! How do you know your dandruff is out of control? When your crabs have to wear snow-shoes. How can you tell if a mounted cop is absent minded? He jumps on his whistle and blows his horse. There were three old men talking about their problems. The first one says "I wish I could get up in the morning and take a good piss." The second guy says "I wish I could get up in the morning and take a good crap." The last guy says "Guys, I take a good piss every morning at 8. I take a good crap at 9. I just wish I could get out of bed by 10." If you like Sex and Travel, go take a Fuckin' Hike. Three men were on a safari, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American from the Bronx. When in the middle of deepest, darkest Africa, they were set upon by a Tribe of Cannibalistic Pygmies who used the bodies of their prey to make canoes. The chief of the tribe came to the three men and said: Guys, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is, we gotta make canoes outta your bodies. The good news is that you can pick your own manner of death. The Frenchman asked for a gun. When he was given the gun he looked around and yelled "Long Live France!" and blew his brains out. The Englishman said "I guess I'll take the gun too." "Long Live the Queen!" BLAM! ! he was dead, and his body followed the Frenchman's to the canoe shop. The guy from the Bronx said, "Ya Gotta Fork?" "A Fork?" asked the chief. "Yea, A fork." The chief gave the guy from the Bronx a fork, and the doomed man instantly began plunging the fork into his chest over and over screaming, "Fuck your canoe! ! ! Fuck your canoe! ! !" Why is shit tapered at the end? So your asshole doesn't slam shut. How can you tell if your best friend is gay? When you taste shit on the end of his dick. What do you call a woman who got rid of 230 pounds of ugly fat? Divorcee. A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a layer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion. When does a cub scout become a boy scout?? When he eats his first brownie. Why do gay men have moustaches? To hide the stretch marks! A boy goes up to his father and says "Dad, how do you spell clitoris ?" His father answers, "Gee son, I don't know but I had it on the tip of my Tongue just a moment ago." What do you call a homosexual's fart ? A mating call. SPECIAL INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be trained enough already you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions please address them to our Head of Training High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) Thank You Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) What are the six most important men in a women's life? l. Doctor-because he wants you to take off your cloths.... 2. Dentist-because he wants you to open wide... 3. Milkman-because he wants to know if you want it in the front or the rear.. 4. Interior Decorator-because he says "when it's up you'll love it!" 5. Hairdresser-because he will say "Do you want it blown or teased?" 6. The last is your BANKER- he will advise you if you withdraw it to soon you will lose interest. What's the difference between an ambush and a 69? With a 69 you can see the cunt coming. The doctor finished his examination of the woman then stepped outside, tenderly placing his arm around her waiting husband's shoulders, he said, "I'm afraid your wife's mind is gone." The husband looked up and said, "I'm not surprised. She's been giving me a piece of it every day for years." Jonesy took his wife to the doctor and said "Look doc, She's a nymphomaniac, I love her very much but she goes for all men and I get very jealous. Can you do something to cure her before I go crazy?" "We'll see," said the doctor as he took Jonesy's wife into the examination room and asked Jonesy to wait outside. He told her to undress and get up on the examination table on her stomach. As soon as he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan and it all looked so inviting he couldn't control himself, so he climbed on top of her and began to screw her. After a while Jonesy became suspicious on hearing the moans and groans coming from inside the examination room so he pushed open the door, rushed inside to be greeted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife. "What the hell do you think you're doing Doc?" asked the irate Jonesy. "I'm taking her temperature," replied the doctor flustered, on being caught red handed by Jonesy. "Well Doc," said Jonesy as he took out his switch-blade and began to hone it on his sleeve very deliberately, "When you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!" This farmer and his daughter were coming back from the markets with their taking from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the moneys gone and there is no flour for bread". Then his daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my U-know-what". "If your mama was here she could have saved the sack of flour as well!" replied the farmer. One day Mother Superior stood up in front of all the nuns and said "A condom has been found in the hall". 99 nuns said "OOOhh" and one said "He he he". Then the Mother Superior said 'The Condom had been used'. 99 nuns said "OOOhh" and one said "He he he". Then the Mother Superior said "The condom had a hole in it". 99 nuns said "He he he" and one said "OOOhh". One day all the nun's wore at confession. One nun went to the Mother Superior and said, "Mother Superior I have seen a man's penis." Mother Superior said "Then quickly go and wash you eyes in the holy water". So the nun ran down and started washing her eyes in the holy water. Then another nun went to Mother Superior and said, "Mother Superior I have touched a man's penis." Mother Superior said "Then quickly go and wash your hands in the holy water." So the nun went and started washing her hands. Then another nun ran down to the holy water and started washing her mouth out in it. Once upon a time, there lived a high priest who would go out into the world in search of 20 Apprentice Monks. When he found what he was looking for, he then took them back to his ministry (where there were nuns) and tied bells around each of there cocks. First he lined them up, then he lined the nuns up in front on them. Well,10 bells rang loud! He yelled "GET OUT!" to those 10. The next thing he did was to take the remaining 10 to the nuns showers. 9 bells rang loud! He yelled "GET OUT!" to those 9. He finally looked at the one who was left and he said, "You have passed the test, go and shower with the other Monks." Next minute ... DING-A-LING-A-LING. This piece of string walked into this bar, sat down and asked for a glass of coke but the bar tender said "Hang on, you're a piece of string aren't you? Sorry but you'll have to get out." The string went home determined to get this bastard so he tied himself in lots of knots and got a knife and frayed his loose ends so that you could hardly recognise him. When he returned to the bar he sat down and asked for six middies. "Hang on," said the barman, Aren't you a piece of string?" "Afraid not" was the reply. There was this Judge who was hard of hearing. One day a defendant came in and was told to sit down. The Judge said to the defendant "What is your name?". The defendant replied "John Smith". The Judge turned to the Sheriff and said "What did he say?". "John Smith" replied the Sheriff. Then the Judge said to the defendant "What is your occupation?". The defendant replied "Fuck All". The Judge turned to the Sheriff and said "What did he say?". "Fuck All" repeated the Sheriff. "Shit, I thought I saw his lips move." There was this tiger who woke up one morning and felt just great. He felt so good he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him:- "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JL1NGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." A man was in bed with a married woman and when they heard the husband return home unexpectedly, he ran into the closet and hid. Suddenly he- heard a small voice in the closet saying "It's very dark in here." "Who is that?" he asked worriedly. "That is my mother in there, and now I'm going to scream," replied the small voice. "Please don't," the man said. "Okay, but it will cost you money to keep me quiet", said the small voice. "Here's five dollars." said the man. "I'm going to scream," repeated the small voice. "Okay, I'll make it ten dollars," said the man.- "I'm still going to scream," said the small voice. "Here's twenty dollars then." "Oh, I'm definitely going to scream!" urged the small voice. Desperate the man appealed to the young fellow and said, "All I have is forty dollars, and that is all." " I'll take it," said the young voice, much to the relief of the desperate man. At last the husband went out again, at which time the man made a hasty exit out of the closet and the house. That afternoon the woman took her young boy on a shopping trip. "I want that bicycle in the window." he said to his mum. "It costs too much money, we can't afford it." retorted his mother. "I got forty dollars," said the boy. "Where would you get that kind of money from?" she asked angrily. The boy wouldn't talk, so she slapped his face, berated him, but to no avail as he wouldn't talk. Finally she dragged him into the neighbourhood church and said to the parish priest "Father, my son has 40 dollars and will not tell me how he came by them, maybe you can find out?" The priest nodded and led the boy into the confessional booth. The boy sat on one side and the priest on the other and the boy began, "It's very dark in here..... ." to which the priest replied, "Don't you start that again!" The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they want to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. One day in the forest a rabbit and a bear were talking when the rabbit said "Gee.. I feel like a shit" "Me too", said the bear. So they wandered off to a quite spot and had a shit. Then the bear said to the rabbit, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" "No", replied the rabbit. "Good" said the bear so he grabbed the rabbit and wiped his arse with him. There were four blokes on a train - an Australian, a Cuban, a Scot, and a Vietnamese. They're travelling along on the train and the Cuban opens up his brief case. In his brief case he has hundreds of Cuban cigars. He pulls out one, lights it, and has two of three puffs and chucks it out the window. The Aussie sings out "What are you doing, in Australia they cost 25 bucks each". The Cuban replies "Where I come from, we have millions of them." Later the Scot opens up his trunk, and pulls out one of the many bottles of scotch in there. He opens it, and takes a few swigs and chucks the bottle out of the window. The Aussie sings out "What are you doing, in Australia that cost $30 a bottle." The Scot turns around and says, 'Where I come from, we have millions of bottle of the stuff. The Australian sits there for a few moments, picks up the Vietnamese and chucks him out of the window. The Scot and the Cuban say "What did you do that for?". The Aussie replied "Where I come from we've got millions of them!" Two poofters live together. One goes out to work while the other stays at home everyday to do the housework. One day the one with the job comes home and finds the other one with his bum in the fridge. "What are you doing?" he asks, to which the other one replies, "I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you came home." A lady with a duck under her arm enters a train and takes a seat. The guy sitting opposite her speaks up and says "That is the ugliest pig I have ever seen". The lady replies "This is not a pig, it's a duck". The guy then says, "Shut up you stupid bitch, I was talking to the duck". A guy and a chick were getting pretty heavy at the Drive-in when the guy suggests that they adjourn to the back of his panel van. O.K. said the chick as she dived over the seat and took up her rightful position (on her back). Anyway, the guy proceeded to do his duty when all of a sudden the girl jumped out of the van, ripped off the aerial, then replaced herself beneath his lusting body and began to whip him. Several days later, the guy found that these whip marks were beginning to get larger so he went to the doctor. Once in the surgery he removed his shirt and allowed the doctor to inspect the wounds. "My", said the doctor, "this is one of the worst cased of V.D. I've ever seen!" There was this baby polar bear, living in a cave. It was the middle of the coldest part of the year (as distinct from the not so cold part of the year) when the little white bear asked his mother... "Mum, am I REALLY a polar bear?"' "Of course you are son." "You're SURE, aren't you?"' "Sure I'm sure, of course you're a Polar bear" "So, I'm a REAL LIVE Polar bear am I?" "Yes son. I think you had better talk to your father, son." "O.K. Mum." So the baby polar bear went to his father and said "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "Am I a REAL LIVE Polar bear?" "Of course you are son." "You're quite sure'?" "Yes. I am absolutely certain that my son is a polar bear. Why do you ask?" "Welllll...." "Yes" "Well, I'm .. " The baby polar bear is pretty embarrassed so he hesitates, then says.... "I'm COLD, dad!" One day there was this Irish man, Paddy, riding through Ireland on his horse and cart. He was on this narrow road right on a cliffs edge when all of a sudden a Porsche came racing round a bend and knocked Paddy down the cliff on to an oyster bed where he died. The nett day in the local paper the headlines read "OYSTERS KILL PADDY" The Psychiatrist said to the woman patient: "Well, it has taken some time, but now you are cured and no longer believe that you're Elizabeth Taylor." "I'm so glad," said the woman as she prepared to leave. "And will you please send the bills to Richard. He pays all my accounts." A Smart-Alec was standing near the Sydney Harbour Bridge with a friend when he saw a 10 year-old boy approaching. "Watch me get a rise out of this kid," he said to his friend. "Hey sonny, you look like you're pretty good at maths." "Not bad," replied the boy cautiously. "Well, imagine there's a car going across the bridge at 300 Kph." The boy nodded. "Then there's a plane overhead going at 600 Kph. Got that?" "Yes," said the boy. "There's also a launch going under the bridge, travelling at 100 Knots. Got that?" "Yes," replied the lad giving him a quizzy look. "Well then, can you guess how old I am?" asked the man leeringly. "You're 32 years old." replied the boy without hesitation. The Smart-Alec was astounded. "You're right," he exclaimed. "How did you work it out?" "Well," said the boy, "I have a brother in a Mental Asylum. He is sixteen and you are twice as mad as he is!" Ita Buttrose, against popular belief that she is against one-night stands, is in fact a real swinger. Ita loves to get fucked by super heroes, and after leading THOR on all night, she eventually got him back to her place. After about an hour of sex, Thor pulls out of Ita, stands up, hits his chest with his hands and sings out "I'm Thor". Ita replies "You think your Thor". There was a tribe of Aborigines discovered quite recently in the Gibson Desert. As with Aboriginal tribes, these people were nomadic. They were called the F'KAWEE and they were most unusual in that they travelled only by night. They waited until it was dark and then packed up their spears, dismantled their humpies and strode off into the night. Before dawn, they would erect new humpies and as the sun came up (actually this is how they got their name we think) the chief would stick his head out of his humpy and yell - "Where the FUCK ARE WE!" Little Martin is Four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work?" Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learnt. Martin replied, "Well first you put the god damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit. So you take the cock sucker down. Then you shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up." Martin's mother said "Wait till your father gets home!" When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask little Martin what he had learnt today. Later on, Marlin's father was putting in a light, and he said "Martin, go outside and get me that switch." Martin replied "Get fucked, that's the electricians job." One Sunday a Jewish woman and her son went out on to the beach to look for money. Before they went out she put a cap on her son's head. Anyway, he went down to the waterside as she was looking around and all of a sudden and massive wave comes up and takes the little boy out to sea. The woman sees this and prays to God, "Please God, bring my son back. He's my only pride and joy in the world." Then all of a sudden another massive wave comes onto the beach dropping the boy on the sand, wet but safe. Then the woman looks up and shouts, "He had a hat!" There was this bloke and he had a problem, there was a ring around his dick, not a metal one but a funny coloured one, that was on the skin. He was really worried, thought that he would have to get it cut off, so he went to the doctor. The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and errrring he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days time." The bloke was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream. Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared, he was really happy so he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news. So he showed the doctor (ZIP FLOP) and the doctor was pleased, then the bloke ask him what it was and the doctor replied. "JUST LIPSTICK REMOVER" There was an Australian tourist in Germany, and he had his pet with him on a leash. He decided to check out the German beer, so he went to this German beer garden. While he was there he got talking to this BIG muscly Aryan looking bloke, who asked him "What kind of dog is that you've got?" "Its a long nosed long tailed short legged Australian terrier" replied the Australian. "I breed German Shepherds myself' said the German to which the Aussie replied, "So What?" "I'll bet one of my German shepherds could beat your long nosed, long tailed short legged Australian Terrier!" said the German. So they agreed to match the Germans best dog against the Aussies long nosed long tailed short legged Australian Terrier. The German got his dog and it was HUGE! It was the biggest German Shepherd THIS Aussie had ever seen! They started the fight, and the German Shepherd got slaughtered! Bits of German Shepherd went in all directions and its' tail landed in someone's drink! All you could see of the German Shepherd at the end was a bloody bone! The German asked the Aussie, "Wot kind of dog IS that?" The Aussie replied "In Australia we call them Crocodiles!" An Irishman went to the doctor and said "Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me... can you help me?". The doctor simply replied by calling out "NEXT PLEASE!" Johnny kept belting on everything, and it was driving his dad crazy. So he called Johnny's teacher and told her about it. She promised to try to do something about it and at school that day told Johnny that she wanted to see him after class. After everybody had gone home Johnny went to his teacher and said "I knows what you're going to say and you're a liar!" His teacher said "Whatever do you mean by that?" Johnny replied "You mislead everyone, the hair on your head is blonde but your pubes are dark, you bleach your hair!" His teacher saw her chance and said "I'll bet you ten dollars that my pubes are blonde." Johnny agreed and put ten dollars down, whereupon his teacher pulled down her panties, revealing a thick blonde bush. Johnny paid her the money and left. His teacher rang Johnny's father and told him what she'd done to cure Johnny of his habit, but Johnny's father groaned and said "Oh no, now he'll be worse than ever!" The teacher asked him what he meant and he replied "Before he left for school today Johnny bet me fifty dollars that he'd see your cunt before the day was over." There was a man and woman travelling along in there car. The man was driving along when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband "What did he say, what did he The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding". The officer then said "Where do you come from?" The man replied "Raymond Terrace" The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from." The officer then said "Shit, I had my worst fuck ever in Raymond Terrace." The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you." There were three gay people who wanted to commit suicide. The first one landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road. The second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the car. The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the smile off his face! A man driving across the outback of Australia in his ute came across an Aborigine sitting at the side of the road, so he decided he should have some fun so he ran the Abo over. A few minutes later he came across another Abo and he decided to splatter this one across the highway as well, which he did do. Later, he came across a third Abo walking along the side of the road. Once again, he ran the bastard down. Sometime later on he saw a Catholic priest hitch-hiking. Due to the remoteness of the area, the man decided to give the priest a lift. He eventually came across another Abo and attempted to run it over, too, when he remembered the priest was sitting next to him - the man thought to himself "I can't hit the Abo with this priest here!" and he swerved just in time to miss the Abo. "I'm terribly sorry, Father." said the man. "I don't know what came over me." "Don't worry, my son," said the priest, "I got him with the door." Some bloke had his arm cut off in an accident - the doctors decided they'd give him a bionic arm to replace the old one. To use this bionic arm, all he had to do was give it a voice command and the arm would manipulate itself to simulate the normal movements. So one day he went out and hired a porno' video to watch. When he got home he instructed "Pick up video cassette", and the arm whirred and picked it up. Then he instructed it to put the video into the VCR. "Press PLAY", the man said, and the arm moved to press the PLAY button on the VCR. It did, with dick in hand! There was this English explorer hunting in the jungle's of Africa. Unknown to him, he walked into a sacred tribal area, where he was captured by natives, and taken to see the High Priest. "You should not have walked into our sacred land - you must face punishment. You may choose to be punished by Death or 'Goonie Goo-goo'. What shall it be?" the High Priest commanded. The explorer replied "Well, I s'pose anything's better than Death, so I choose 'Goonie Goo-goo"'. The explorer was led away from the High Priest and strapped backwards to a large tree, where ten of the bravest tribesmen banged him up the arse, before he was set free. Afterwards, the dismayed explorer was roaming around the, jungle when he was spotted by tribesmen walking through their sacred tribal area. He was recaptured and taken to the High Priest: "You must face punishment for walking on our sacred land - you can choose punishment by Death or 'Goonie Goo-goo'." said the High Priest. The explorer chose 'Goonie Goo-goo', and so, was strapped backwards to a tree and banged by ten of the bravest tribesmen, and then set free once again. Later, walking through the jungle he walked through the sacred tribal area. Again, he was captured and taken to see the High Priest, who said: "You must be punished for walking on our sacred land - Death, or 'Goonie Goo-goo'?" The explorer said Death, anything being better than 'Goonie Goo-goo'. "Okay. You will be punished." Pause. "Death, by Goonie Goo-goo'!" An executive was relating some of his bad experiences to friends at the Country Club. "I bought this yacht to contest the America's Cup with but it caught fire and sank before I could try it out! Then I bought a Leer Jet, it blew a tyre on take off, crashed and it also burnt up! The last straw happened when I married this beautiful blonde secretary I had. I went home early one day and found her in bed with the chauffeur, I fired him and divorced her the next day!" "So, what have you learned from all that?" asked one of his friends. "A lot", said the executive, "If it swims, flies or fucks, lease it don't buy it!" One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together in an aeroplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." These poofs were sitting in a spa tub, drinking WEST COAST COOLER and generally enjoying the spa bubbles, when a great stinking wad of semen rises to the surface. The first poof looks straight at the second one and said "DID YOU?", to which the other replied "No" and so he looked at the third one and said "D1D YOU?" to which the other replied "No" so he looked at the fourth one and said "DID YOU?" to which the other replied "No". The first one looked at the other three once more and yelled "OK! Who Farted?" An Aborigine was waiting for a bus at Redfern when a big doberman walked up to him on his left and dropped a big turd on the ground next to the Abo. A couple of minutes later a great dane came up to him on his right and he also dropped a big mean looking turd. A few minutes later the bus pulled up and the driver opened the door. "How much to Circular Quay?" the Abo asked. The driver replied "That'll be $ 1 for you and 5Oc each for your two kids." There we're these three ministers from different churches who we're talking one day and they got onto what they do to the money collected in the money plate. The Catholic minister said, "We draw this circle on the floor in the back room and throw the money up in the air. What lands in the circle is HIS, and the rest is ours." And then the Methodist Father got up, laughed and said "Well we do it better, we go in the back room and draw a line from corner to corner, throw the money in the air, and what lands to the right is ours, and the money on the left is HIS." So the Jewish Rabii stood up, laughed and said "We get the plate of money and throw it all up in the air. He catches what he wants, and what falls to the ground is ours." One day two blind men started fighting in Martin Place. Pretty soon a multitude surrounded the fighting pair.... just then one of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife". Both men ran away..... Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. There are three morals to this story: - Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. - Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. - If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. One day, a Jewish businessman was walking across a road when a truck screamed up and ran him over. Within minutes, an ambulance arrived and as the stretcher carried him away, a bystander asked him "Are you comfortable". He replied "I make a living." THE BAKED BEANS STORY There once lived a man who was very fond of baked beans. They were his most favourite food and he ate them whenever he could. However, as much as he liked to eat them, he had to suffer the rather unpleasant after affects which are normally associated with eating baked beans. One day he met a girl and eventually they fell in love and got married. The man decided he would have to give up eating baked beans so he would not always be suffering the after affects with his new wife around. Time went by until one day the man was driving home from work and his car broke down across the road from a small roadside diner, from which he could smell the tempting aroma of baked beans. This particular day was his birthday so he decided to give himself a treat. He had 1Okm to walk home and he felt that the after effects would wear out by the time he got home. So he went into the diner and had three helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted until he finally got home. Satisfied that he had putt-putted his last, he opened the front door where his wife met him. "Happy birthday! I have a surprise for you!" she said as she produced a blindfold from behind her back. The man went along with it and his wife blindfolded him, led him into the dining room and sat him down at the table. As soon as he sat down he heard the phone ring in the hall. His wife instructed him not to take the blindfold off while she answered the phone. When she left the room he suddenly shifted his weight on one leg and let fly. Not only was it loud but it reeked of rotten eggs. Then he shifted his weight onto his other leg and did the same thing. He grabbed a table napkin and tried to wave away the smell but he kept on breaking wind in the same way until he heard his wife hang up the phone. His wife returned to the table, removed his blindfold and yelled "Surprise!". The man saw twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his birthday. Two Jews were travelling across Africa on a safari. They went up to a water hole and sat down for a rest. All of a sudden a lion crept up and jumped on one of their backs. He shouted "Hymie, what have I got on my back". The other one said "How should I know, I'm not a furrier". There were these three prisoners in a German POW camp, and they were Australian, American, and Irish. The commandant was a real mean prick and he was going to shoot his three captives unless their combined dick length was in excess of 20 inchs. So the three POWs have their cocks measured and it turned out their combined dick length was 20 inches exactly, so they were spared. Later on the three were talking, and the Australian said "Well if it wasn't for my 10 inch dick then we'd all be dead." The American says "Na, if it wasn't for my 8 inch dick then we'd all be dead." Then the Irishman goes "If I didn't have a hard-on, we'd all be dead." These two poofters, Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmicheal were in a taxi together. Anyhow, after about 10 minutes Michael starts to look a bit squimish and nervous so Patrick asks "What is wrong Darling?" "It's just That... Well... I need to... Well... I have to...", then softly "fart." "Oh, thal's alright! We don't mind! Go right ahead." So Michael slightly raises his position on the seat and "uuuuh...uuuuuh...uuuuuuuuuuh" then it comes "Fmmffffffmtshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Well, about another ten minutes passes then Patrick feels the need to fart, asks if anyone minds an goes for it. "Pppppppppppssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" "What a BEAUTY!" exclaimed Patrick quite proudly. Another half hour then the driver asks if the two in the back would mind if he farted. "No! Certainly. Go right ahead" exclaimed the two. "Yeah, Thanks" "Blrtlbrtblrtlbrltblrtbbtrrllbrtlbgrlbrtlbrtlbtrmlbltrblrtlbmrrtlmbbrmtl blrllbtlbltlrtblrtblororoobrotborrobbbbbttt!" Then like a hurricane from the back seat came the cry "VIRGIN, QUICK, GET HIM!" Four union men were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was a member of the Vehicle Builders Union, who said his dog could do geometry. His dog was named "Tee-Square", and he told him to go to the blackboard, and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with consummate ease. The Amalgamated Metal Workers Union member said he thought his dog was much better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen biscuits, and divide them into four eve piles, which Slide-Rule did without problem. The Liquor Trade member admitted that both were quite good but he felt that his dog could outperform them. His dog was named "Measure", and he was told to go and get a stubby of beer, and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this without a flaw. They turned to the Waterside Workers Union member, and said "What can your among do?" The Waterside Worker called his dog, which was named "Tea reak" and said to him "Show these bastards what you can do mate." Tea Break went over and ate the biscuits, drank the beer, pissed on the lackboard, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, and filed a worker's compensation form, then shot through on sick leave. Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'arse' and I'll say 'hell"'. All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your arse it ain't gonna be Cheerios." In the same compartment on board a train in Poland there was a Soviet soldier, a Polish Solidarity worker, a young woman and a little old lady. The train entered a long tunnel and in the darkness was heard a kiss followed by a terrific slap and then silence. As the train emerged into daylight again the little old lady thought to herself "I am proud of that girl. One of those two men must have got fresh and she clobbered him!" The young woman thought, "This is funny. One of those men must have tried to kiss me but he kissed the old lady by mistake and she slapped him!" The Soviet soldier said to himself, "This isn't my day. That Pole kissed the girl and she slapped me by mistake!" The young Solidarity worker chuckled to himself "I am awfully smart, even if I say so myself. I kissed the back of my hand, slugged the Sowzet soldier and got away with it!" Back in the good old days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blowjob." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!" God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go. "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No, it's too hot there." "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it." There were three Irishmen who were "shooting up" on a drug, using a needle. The first one passed his needle onto the second one, but he was smart and thought "Au no, I'm not goin' take your needle 'cause I might catch AIDS"; and so, the needle was passed onto the third one, and the second one asks "You sure you want take this 'ere needle?". "Au, it's alright," says the third Irishman "I'm safe 'cause I'm wearing a condom.' One day a large man with a very small head walked into a pub in Cronulla. The bartender looked at him and said, "Sorry if I'm being forward but why does such a large man as you have such a small head." The man replied, "Well, one day I was walking along the beach and I found an old looking lamp. I picked it up and polished it and suddenly an amazingly beautiful Genie appeared and said "You may have one wish of anything you want." so I said "How about a bit of a screw?" She said "I'm sorry but Genies don't screw." So I said, "Alright, how about a little head." Living room, 2 little boys talking..... 1st boy "I heard MY Daddy say that you can get AIDS from a MOSQUITO!" PAUSE.... 2nd boy "OK that may be true but how do you FUCK one?" Three guys were going to have a spitting contest. The Greek guy stands up, readies himself, and sends one 5 metres. The Aussie says that's easy to beat, and readies himself. Brings up one which sails for 10 metres. The Leb can beat that easy, he reckons, stands up, and starts getting ready. He brings up a little, then more and more. His cheeks start bulging, his face is streaming with sweat. Finally his mouth is full of it. Then, at the final moment, he swallows it. The Greek and Aussie are stunned, "Why'd ya swallow it. It would have gone for miles." Leb's reply, "Well, it was too good to waste." An Irish Scientist was working with a frog. He cuts off it's front left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. He cuts off it's front right leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. Cuts off the frog's back left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. Finally he cuts off it's back right leg. Tells it to jump but it doesn't jump. Conclusion : After cutting off a11 legs, Frog loses Hearing. Q. Did you hear about Ronald Reagan's bowel transplant? A. The bowel rejected him. Q. Did you hear about the 500 Pakistanis trying to illegally enter England? A. They swam across the Channel concealed as a grease slick. Q. Did you hear about the Abo's carrying the coffin up the hill? A. They were going black-burying. Q. Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas? A. It was the most violent book he'd ever read. Q. Did you hear about the chap who ordered a tonne of mallee roots? A. Two days later, a bus pulled up and out hopped a team of aboriginal marching girls. Q. Did you hear about the female Irish parachutist? A. She pulled the wrong cord and bled to death. Q. Did you hear about the girl who fell asleep on the Synagogue steps? A. When she woke up she had a jewy under her. Q. Did you hear about the guy with 5 pricks? A. His jocks fitted him like a glove. Q. Did you hear about the hairdresser who broke both his legs? A. He is now cutting hair on crutches. Q. Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll? A. You wind her up and she walks into walls. Q. Did you hear about the Irish cat who had a shit and buried itself? Q. Did you hear about the Irish cock sucker? A. He choked to death on the feathers. Q. Did you hear about the Irish parachute? A. It opens on impact. Q. Did you hear about the Irish rapist? A. He tied his victims legs together so they can't escape. Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who had an arsehole transplant? A. The arsehole rejected him 7 days later. Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting? A. He didn'1 get any because He couldn't throw the dog high enough. Q. Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus? A. He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says "Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?" Q. Did you hear about The leper playing cards? A. He threw his hand in. Q. Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake? A. It did $100 million worth of improvements. Q. Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire? A. It's for foul balls. Q. Did you hear about The new German microwave oven? A. Seats 500. Q. Did you hear about the spastic who won a disco competition? A. He only got up to get a drink. Q. Did you hear about the two aborigines on THAT'S INCREDIBLE? A. One didn't drink and the other one had a job. Q. Did you hear about the two queers at the airport? A. They kissed each other under the hangers. Q. Did you hear about the two queers stranded in the desert? A. One of them died, so the other one crawled on. Q. Do you know why policemen have big balls? A. They sell more tickets. Q. Have you heard about the serial numbers stamped on condoms now? A. Or don't you roll them That far down? Q. Have you seen Stevie Wonders new car? A. Neither has he. Q. Heard about The Irish fish? A. It drowned. Q. Heard about the latest innovation in Irish submarines? A. Screen windows to keep the fish out. Q. Heard about the Ronald Raygun New Age Typewriter? A. No memory and no colon. Q. Here about the bloke with 'WOG' tattooed on his cock? A. When he had a hard-on it said 'WOLLONGONG'. Q. How can dead Aborigines be profitable? A. They can be skinned and sold as wetsuits. Q. How can you pick an Irish pirate? A. He wears a patch over both eyes. Q. How can you pick an Italian air plane? A. They're the ones with the hair under the wings. Q. How can you tell a Jew from an Italian? A. The Jew's the one in the Italian suit. Q. How can you tell if a barmaid is pissed off with you? A. There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary. Q. How can you tell if a plane lying overhead is a mail plane or not? A. Well if it has two little balls then it is male. Q. How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? A. Her ankles swell when she farts. Q. How can you tell if an Ethiopian is about to vomit? A. His mates are sitting in front of him with knives and forks. Q. How did AIDS get into America? A. Up the Hudson. Q. How did Captain Hook die? A. From jock itch. Q. How did Helen Keller burn her hands off? A. Trying to read the waffle iron. Q. How do you avoid AIDS? A. Sit tight and keep your mouth shut. Q. How do you bring up children in the Northern Territory? A. Stick two fingers down a dingoes throat. Q. How do you circumcise a Tasmanian? A. Punch his sister under the chin. Q. How do you change a fruit into a vegetable? A. Give him AIDS. Q. How do you drown an Italian? A. Pull the chain while he's drinking. Q. How do you fit 100 Jews in a Volkswagon? A. Two in the front, two in the back and 96 in the ashtray. Q. How do you get 20 old age pensioners into an outdoor dunny? A. Sub-let it to a Jewish property developer. Q. How do you get 500 Vietnamese into a Vegemite jar? A. Tell them it floats. Q. How do you get a nun pregnant? A. Fuck her. Q. How do you get a one-armed Irishman down from a pole? A. Wave to him. Q. How do you get an abo woman pregnant? A. Masturbate on the ground and let the ants do the rest. Q. How do you get an Aborigine out of jail? A. Cut the rope. Q. How do you get three poofs on a barstool? A. Turn it upside down. Q. How do you give a woman a great orgasm? A. Who cares? Q. How do you know if your house has been burgled by a Kiwi? A. Your cat's been raped and your thongs are missing. Q. How do you know if your house has been burgled by a poofter? A. Because the dishes have been done and the furniture is rearranged. Q. How do you know if you've walked into a lesbian bar? A. Even the pool table hasn't got balls. Q. How do you know when your sister has been screwed by an elephant? A. When she sits on a bar stool and slides down. Q. How do you make a black person nervous? A. Take him to an auction. Q. How do you make a handkerchief dance? A. Put a little boogie in it... Q. How do you make an Irish Girl Pregnant? A. 'I don't know, How?' Q. How do you play religious roulette? A. You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first. Q. How do you recycle toilet paper? A. Hang it up to dry, then beat the shit out of it. Q. How do you save a drowning Aborigine? A. Take your foot off his head. Q. How do you start a New Zealander in small business? A. Give him a big business and let him take it from there. Q. How do you stop a Jewish princess from being a nymphomaniac? A. Marry her. Q. How do you tell Dolly Parton's children from all the others? A. From the stretch marks on their lips. Q. How do you tell if a Jewish princess has an orgasm? A. She drops her nail file. Q. How do you tell if a rabbit is gay? A. By the hares around its arse. Q. How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard? A. All your garbage liners are missing. Q. How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A. A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally." Q. How do you tell the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer? A. By the taste. Q. How do you tell what clan a Scotsman is from? A. Lift up his kilt, and if he's got a quarter pounder, he's a McDonald. Q. How do you tell which end if a worm is the head? A. Bury it in flour and wait till it farts.. Q. How do you turn a vegetable into fast food? A. Take them to them top of a hill and give them a push. Q. How does a French girl hold her lover? A. By the ears. Q. How does a Tasmanian know if his mother is menstruating? A. His brother's dick tastes different. Q. How does an elephant cry? A. Sits on its bum and bawls. Q. How does an elephant fuck a mouse? A. Stands on it. Q. How does an Irishman have a bubble bath? A. Sits in a puddle and farts. Q. How is AIDS like little children playing cowboys and Indians? A. BANG BANG-YOUR DEAD! Q. How is Princess Diana like Noddy? A. She is always being screwed by Big Ears! Q. How long is a hare on a rabbits back? A. As long as it takes. Q. How many Advanced Dungeons and Dragons characters does it take to change a light bulb? A. 37. One high level to do it and 36 low levels to share the experience points. Q. How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. Q. How many astronauts can you fit into a volkswagon? A. Eleven, 2 in the front, 2 in the back and 7 in the ash tray. Q. How many astronauts does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one -- but the ladder won't be available for 2.5 years, and the new bulb costs $ 10,000,000 and has a left-hand thread Q. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A. Ten. One to do it and nine to share the experience. Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. Californians screw in hot tubs. Q. How many Darlinghurst trendies does it take to change a light bulb? A. Seven. One to replace the bulb and six to enjoy the experience. Q. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolises a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q. How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. 16. 2 to actually screw it in and 14 to make a documentary about it. Q. How many IBM processors does it take to perform a Logical Shift Left? A. 33. 32 to hold all the bits, and one to push from the right. Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. Ten. One to hold the light globe and nine to turn the ladder. Q. How many Psychologists does it take to change light bulb? A. One, but the light bulb has to want to change. Q. How many pretty little rich girls does it take to change a light-bulb? A. One, to call the electrician. Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A. 1. None; it's a hardware problem. 2. Two; because one always changes jobs in the middle of a problem. 3. Four; one to analyse the problem,one to write the instructions,one to check and debug the instructions, and one to perform the operation. 4. Twelve; one to the change the bulb,0ne for back up, and ten to write the documentation. Q. How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to put the new one in and one to eat the old one. Q. How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. That's not funny! Q. How many Real men does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. (Real men aren't afraid of the dark......) Q. How many right-lo-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the screwing began. Q. How many Ronald Reagan supporters does it take to change a light bulb? A. One million and one. One to press the button to set off the ICBMs to destroy the old one and one million to rebuild civilization to the point where a new one can be built. Q. How many Russians docs it take to change a light bulb? A. They don't have to change it - they all glow in the dark. Q. How many straight San-Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? A. Both of them. Q. How many teeth has a cunt got? A. Open your mouth and I'll tell you! Q. How many women's libbers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Twelve. One to change it, three to write about it, four to make a documentary about it, and another four to apply for a grant. Q. How many Yiddish Mommas does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. "You just go out, leave me in the dark. All alone where anybody could come and rob the house. You just go out, have a good time, and don't worry about your poor old mother..." Q. How many Yuppies does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to mix the cocktails and one to call the electrician. Q. How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? A. As much as He wants. Q. How was the Grand Canyon formed? A. A Jew dropped a nickel down a golf hole. Q. If a field of Irishmen is called a paddy field, what do you call a field of Americans? A. A vacant lot. Q. If I have a large green ball in one hand and a large green ball in the other, what have I got? A. Full control of the Incredible Hulk. Q. If I have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other, what do I have? A. A fucking big moth. Q. If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be? A. A fur coat. Q. In what section of the paper do they print Irish obituaries? A. Under Civic improvements. Q. Is it better to be born black or homosexual? A. Black. That way you don't have to break the news to your parents. Q. There are three poofs in a row. What do you call the one in the middle? A. A double adapter. Q. What animal could have changed the whole course of history? A. The Bethlehem dingo. Q. What animal has a cunt half way up it's back? A. A police horse. Q. What are three things that you cannot give an Abo? A. A black eye, a fat lip, and a job. Q. What are women good for? A. Something to lie on while you're having a root. Q. What can a jellybean do that you can't? A. Come in seven different colours. Q. What can you use used tampons for? A. Tea bags for vampires. Q. What colour was Christie's eyes? A. Blue, one blew this way the other blew that way. Q. What crawls and goes ding-dong? A. An injured AVON lady. Q. What did Jesus say on the cross to the Aborigines? A. "Don't do anything until I come back." Q. What did one ovary say to the other? A. There must be a partly down below - 2 nuts are trying to push an organ up the passageway. Q. What did Tarzan do when he saw the elephants coming? A. Put up his umbrella .. have you ever seen an elephant come? Q. What did the abo think when he had diarrhoea? A. Shit, I'm melting! Q. What did the storm say to the coconut tree? A. Better hang onto your nuts tonight, 'cause I'm going to be doing one hell of a blow job! Q. What did the Vampire say to the schoolgirl? A. "I'll see you next period." Q. What do bulldozers and orang-utans have in common? A. They both fuck up trees. Q. What do elephants use as tampons? A. Sheep. Q. What do elephants use as vibrators? A. Epileptic pygmies. Q. What do they call a female sex change operation? A. Addadictomy. Q. What do they call the Jewish Mafia? A. The Kosher Nostra. Q. What do you call a baby in a pram on top of Ayers Rock? A. Meals on Wheels. Q. What do you call a black man in a tree? A. A branch manager. Q. What do you call a dog with wings? A. Linda McCartney. Q. What do you call a fly without wings? A. A walk. Q. What do you call a group of Aborigines falling down a mountain? A. An Abolanche. Q. What do you call a Maori in a suit? A. The defendant. Q. What do you call a Phillipino contortionist A. A manila folder. Q. What do you call a three-legged cow? A. Lean beef. Q. What do you call a whore with a runny nose? A. FULL! Q. What do you call Aborigines lying across a road? A. Speed humps. Q. What do you call an Abo in a red sports car? A. Jaffa. Q. What do you call an Aborigine stuck between two rocks? A. Choc-wedge. Q. What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby? A. A girl. Q. What do you call an Abo with a shotgun? A. Sir. Q. What do you call an Aborigine in a Roll's Royce? A. A thief. Q. What do you call an Aborigine who marries an Irishman? A. A social climber. Q. What do you call an Aborigine with dandruff? A. A lamington. Q. What do you call an Aborigine with warts? A. A chokito. Q. What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia? A. A cancelled Czech. Q. What do you call an Ethiopian in Mexico City? A. A stick in the mud. Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a rat? A. A vegetarian. Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with two rats? A. A caterer. Q. What do you call an Irish paratrooper? A. Air pollution. Q. What do you call an Irishman with a university degree`1 A. A liar. Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain? A. Lucky. Q. What do you call couples that use the WITHDRAWL method of contraception? A. Parents! Q. What do you call six Aborigines in a jail cell? A. A mobile. Q. What do you call two Aborigines in a shoe box? A. A pair of loafers. Q. What do you do if a bird shits in your car? A. Don't take her out again. Q. What do you do if an elephant comes in your bedroom? A. Swim for the door. Q. What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in your bath? A. Throw in your washing. Q. What do you do when you can't find your trousers? A. Run around the block until you are breathing in short pants! Q. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? A. Wipe it off and apologise. Q. What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A. Walk him and pitch to the rhino. Q. What do you get if you cross a black whore with a Chinese? A. A maid that sucks your shirts. Q. What do you get if you cross a chimpanzee with an Aborigine? A. A retarded monkey. Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with an Irishman? A. A retarded ape. Q. What do you get if you cross a New Zealander with an Aborigine? A. Someone who's too lazy to steal. Q. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a red neck? A. An all-white ncighbourhood. Q. What do you get if you cross an Italian with a Jew? A. A cleaner who thinks he owns the building. Q. What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A. Hot cross bunnies. Q. What do you get if you pour hot water over an Irishman? A. A tea bag. Q. What goes into 13 six times? A. Roman Polanski. Q. What happened to the farmer who fell against the chicken wire? A. He strained himself. Q. What happened to the Irish woman who bought a vibrator? A. She smashed her teeth in. Q. What happens to an Irishman when he picks his nose? A. His head collapses. Q. What has an IQ of 180? A. Ireland. Q. What has hit more balls than Ivan Lendel's tennis racquet? A. Rock Hudson's chin! Q. What have Niki Lauda and Hot Lips Hoolihan got in common? A. They've both been fucked by Major Burns. Q. What have Rock Hudson and Mohammed Ali got in common? A. They've both been badly battered around the ring. Q. What have you got when you've got two little green balls in your hands? A. Kermits undivided attention. Q. What is a brick layer'? A. A Very sore chicken. Q. What is a cocoon? A. An A A Ab Aborigine. Q. What is red and hangs from the ceiling? A. A baby on a meat hook! Q. What is red and White and goes around? A. A baby in a blender! Q. What is red, white & black? A. A baby wrapped up in a newspaper! Q. What is red, white, black and taps at a window? A. A baby in a microwave! Q. What is "SMOORPLAY"? A. It's What SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! Q. What is the definition of a Committee? A. All animals with six or more legs and no brain. Q. What is the definition of innocence? A. A grandmother working in a condom factory thinking she is making sleeping bags for pcl tnice. Q. What is the difference between a circus and vaudeville? A. A circus is an array of cunning stunts. Q. What is the difference between a disaster and a catastrophe? A. A disaster is when a ship containing 1000 Irishmen sinks. A catastrophe is when they can all swim. Q. What is the difference between a Jew and a meat pie? A. A meat pie doesn't scream when you put it in an oven. Q. What is the difference between a pigeon and a mountain goat? A. A pigeon mucks up fountains. Q. What is the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of sand? A. You can't unload sand with a pitchfork. Q. What is the easiest job in Ireland? A. Intelligence Officer in the Irish army. Q. What is the most dangerous job in Ireland? A. Riding shotgun on a garbage truck. Q. What is the smallest room in Ireland? A. The Irish hall of fame. Q. What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? A. A cheese grater Q. What is white and hangs from telegraph poles? A. Tele-Cumm. Q. What part of Popeye never rusts? A. The part he puts in Olive Oyl. Q. What should women wear behind their ears to make them more attractive? A. Their knees. Q. What sort of people make the best sort of goalkeeper? A. Prostitutes, they let everything but the balls in. Q. What turns a nine stone weakling into a 16-stone man of steel? A. Polio.- Q. What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? A. Her legs. Q. What was the last thing said on the Space Shuttle Challenger? A. Anybody got a light? Q. What was the last thing said on the Space Shuttle Challenger? A. What does this button do? Q. What was the last thing to go through the Commander of the Space Shuttle's mind? A. The Windscreen. Q. What was the worst thing about the Challenger disaster? A. It only killed seven Americans. Q. What were they drinking aboard the doomed shuttle? A. Seven up with a dash of teachers. Q. What would it take to get the Beatles back together? A. Three bullets. Q. What's 69 and 69? A. Dinner for four. Q. What's a 7I? A. A 69er with two fingers up your arse. Q. What's a dirty bastard? A. A kid that farts in church at his parents wedding. Q. What's a fart? A. Shit screaming for help. Q. What's a fart in Ethiopia? A. A status symbol. Q. What's a Greek ten? A. The ba Q. What's a Greek tragedy`? A. Haemorrhoids. Q. What's a homosexual masochist? A. A sucker for punishment. Q. What's a lousy lay? A. A man who screws you all night with a 3 inch dick then kisses you goodbye with a 12 inch tongue. Q. What's a Maltese Falcon? A. A Ford with venetians. Q. What's a pederast? A. A sucker for little boys. Q. What's a poofter? A. An Australian man who likes his women better than beer. Q. What's a specimen? A. An Italian astronaut. Q. What's a Tasmanian man's idea of foreplay? A. "You Awake, Mum?" Q. What's a Tasmanian virgin? A. A girl who can run faster than her father and brothers. Q. What's an Aboriginal vibrator? A. Eighty blowflies in a sherry bottle. Q. What's an Australian man's definition of foreplay? A. "You Awake?" Q. What's an Irishman got inside his skull? A. A piece of paper with 'brain' written on it. Q. What's better than sex with a 16-year old girl? A. Nothing. Q. What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night? A. Your head. Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a Negro? A. A doberman. Q. What's black and bumps into pianos? A. Ray Charles. Q. What's black and eats chips? A. Half of England. Q. What's black and hairy and sits on a wall? A. Humpty Cunt. Q. What's black and hops around'? A. Skippy in a bushfire. Q. What's black and lives in a tree? A. An Abo waiting for a housing commission flat. Q. What's black and runs across the dessert at 100 m.p.h.? A. An Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher. Q. What's black and smells like :fish? A. Tina Tuna. Q. What's black, shrivelled and hangs from your armpit? A. A thirsty Ethiopian. Q. What's blue and rusty and lies on the bottom of a pool? A. Quentin. Q. What's blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool? A. A baby with slashed floaties. Q. What's brown and has holes in it? A. A swiss shit. Q. What's brown and sits on a tennis court? A. Bjorn Bog. Q. What's brown and walks up stairs backwards? A. A corgi with a hard-on. Q. What's crunchy and taps on glass? A. A baby in a microwave. Q. What's deadlier than a Sydney funnel-web? A. Malaysian trapdoor. Q. What's diarrhoea? A. A fart with fluid drive. Q. What's endless love? A. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. Q. What's funnier than a baby with a pick in it A. Nothing. Q. What's got more holes than a crumpet? A. Snow White's hymen. Q. What's green and goes red when you push a button? A. A frog in a blender. Q. How do you get the frog out? A. With a straw. Q. What's green and smells like pork? A. Kermit's finger. Q. What's green, has 8 legs, and would kill you if it fell on you! from out of a tree? A. A billiard table! Q. What's green, six metres long, and hangs from trees in the jungle? A. Elephant bogey. Q. What's impossible to find in New Zealand? A. Virgin wool. Q. What's invisible and smells like dog food? A. A pensioner's fart. Q. What's Jewish foreplay? A. Two hours of begging. Q. What's long, black and smelly? A. The unemployment line. Q. What's more fun than tying a squealing baby up by its feet and swinging it round on a clothes line? A. Stopping it with a cricket bat. Q. What's red and black and sits in a tree? A. A crow with a fat. Q. What's red and crawls up you leg? A. A homesick abortion! Q. What's red and green and lies in the gutter? A. An injured bogey. Q. What's red and white and lies in the gutter? A. John Lennon. Q. What's small, stands in front of a mirror and gets smaller? A. A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler. Q. What's so special when an Irishman swallows a fly? A. Well, he's got more brains in his stomach than in his head. Q. What's Tammy Bakker's idea of natural contraception? A. Absolutely no make-up. Q. What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman? A. You know she'll swallow. Q. What's the best thing to do with dead Aborigines? A. Scrape their skins out and sell them as wet suits. Q. What's the Chinese equivalent of a 69'er? A. Chew Man Chew. Q. What's the definition of a Chiko Roll? A. A leper in a sleeping bag. Q. What's the definition of a skeleton? A. A leper in a wind tunnel. Q. What's the definition of a virgin? A. In England, any girl under 10, in Greece any child under 10, in Arabia, any camel that can outrun an Arab. Q. What's the definition of disgusting? A. When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and she slips her tongue in. Q. What's the definition of ecstasy? A. Screwing a pregnant woman and being sucked off by the foetus. Q. What's the definition of gross ignorance. A. 144 Irishmen. Q. What's the definition of suspicious? A. 1. A hot dog with veins. 2. Pubic hairs in your Bloody Mary. 3. Push-ups in long grass. Q. What's the difference between a cheerleader and a bowling ball? A. You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. Q. What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar note and a skinny prostitute? A. One's a phoney buck, the other's a boney fuck. Q. What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A. A few lines of coke and about ten drinks. Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a loaf of bread? A. The loaf of bread comes out of the oven. Q. What's the difference between a Kiwi and a computer? A. You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q. What's the difference between a Lebanese woman and a catfish? A. One's got fat lips and whiskers and the other one's a fish. Q. What's the difference between a magician's wand and a copper's baton? A. One's for cunning stunts and the others for stunning cunts. Q. What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture? A. A vulture waits until your dead. Q. What's the difference between a nurse and a cricket ball? A. If you try really, really hard you can eat a cricket ball! Q. What's the difference between a nurse and a swimming pool? A. If you try really hard, you can touch both sides of a swimming pool! Q. What's the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers? A. You can only fit one cunt into a pair of knickers. Q. What's the difference between a Pommie and a QANTAS jet? A. A QANTAS jet stops whining when it reaches Australia. Q. What's the difference between a rubber tyre and a nigger? A. Rubber tyre doesn't sing when you put chains on it. Q. What's the difference between a short negro and a tall negro? A. The tall one burns longer. Q. What's the difference between a Stockbroker and a pigeon? A. The pigeon can still put a deposit on a new BMW. Q. What's the similarity between a tortoise and a girl? A. When they're on their backs, they're both fucked. Q. What's the difference between a whore and a pool? A. You can touch the sides of a pool! Q. What's the difference between a woman kneeling in the bath and a woman kneeling in prayer? A. The woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul.... Q. What's the difference between an Abo lying on a road and a rabbit lying on a road`? A. Skid marks in front of the rabbit. Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a grape? A. The grape is purple. Q. What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother? A. About 20 pounds and a black dress. Q. What's the difference between an Irishman and a bucket of shit? A. The bucket. Q. What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven? A. A microwave doesn't brown your meat. Q. What's the difference between Australian TV and a piece of shit? A. You can't change channels on a piece of shit. Q. What's the difference between Bernard King and the space shuttle Challenger? A. Bernard King teachers cooks.... Q. What's the difference between Britt Ekland and Ayers Rock? A. Not everyone has climbed on top of Ayers Rock. Q. What's the difference between circumcision and crucifixion? A. With crucifixion they throw away the whole Jew. Q. What's the difference between Joan Collins and a bowling ball? A. You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball. Q. What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand? A. You can't gargle sand. Q. What's the difference between Mother Theresa and a rubber tyre? A. Have you ever had Mother Theresa go down on you? Q. What's the difference between the Man from Snowy River and the Woman from Snowy River? A. Snow Balls! Q. What's the difference between the Millford Track & the Aussie cricket team? A. Not everyone's walked over the Millford Track. Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job still sucks. Q. What's the fastest game in the world? A. Pass-the-parcel in an Irish pub. Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation? A. Sewing in the anchovies. Q. What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave? A. Getting the wheelchair through the door. Q. What's the miracle of AIDS? A. It turns fruits into vegetables. Q. What's the most effective contraceptive for Aborigines? A. Baygon. Q. What's the paedophiles' favourite TV show? A. Come On Kids. Q. What's the similarity between a frying pan hanging on the wall and a girl's knickers? A. You have to pull them down to get the fat into them. Q. What's the similarity between an Abo's cunt and a cricket bat? A. Well, if you really try, you can eat the cricket bat. Q. What's the similarity between an Abo's cunt and the Murray River? A. They've both got big red gums. Q. What's the smallest room in the world? A. The Polish Hall of Fame. Q. What's the worst enemy of a pregnant woman? A. A dingo with a yabby pump. Q. What's two and a half inches long, has 256 balls, and fucks ducks? A. A shotgun cartridge. Q. What's white and comes in a black box? A. Roger Cawley. Q. What's white and hangs off the cloud? A. The coming of the Lord. Q. What's worse than a lobster on your piano? A. Crabs on your organ. Q. What's worse than being hijacked by Palestinians? A. Being rescued by Egyptians. Q. What's worse than grease on a Greek? A. Come on Aussie. Q. What's worse than having a dead dog on your piano? A. An infected pussy on your organ. Q. What's worse than two Scouts in your pocket? A. Two Brownies in your pants. Q. What's worse than your doctor telling you you've got VD? A. Your dentist telling you. Q. What's yellow and looks like piss? A. Piss. Q. What's yellow and smells like bananas? A. Monkey vomit.- Q. When does a Cub become a Boy Scout? A. When he eats his first Brownie.- Q. Where do teachers go for holidays in America? A. All over Florida. Q. Where do women have short black curly hair? A. Fiji. Q. Where does virgin wool come from? A. Ugly sheep. Q. Who invented the female body? A. The Board of Works - who else would put a playground next to a sewer. Q. Who killed more Indians than John Wayne? A. Union Carbide. Q. Who's the most popular guy at a nudist camp? A. The one who can carry two cups of coffee and six doughnuts at once. Q. Who's the most popular woman at a nudist camp? A. The one who can eat six doughnuts at once. Q. Why are black people called niggers? A. Because that's the sound they make when they get caught in your fan belt! Q. Why are camels called ships of the desert? A. Because they're always full of Arab semen. Q. Why are electric trains like woman's breasts? A. Because they were originally intended for children but it's the fathers that play with them. Q. Why are Jewish men circumcised? A. Because Jewish women won't buy anything unless it's 20% off. Q. Why are women's vaginas and anuses so close together? A. So you can pick them up like a six pack. Q. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100. A. When she gets to 69 she gets a frog stuck in her throat. Q. Why can't you circumcise Sir Joh? A. Because there is no end to the prick. Q. Why couldn't Frankenstein have any children? A. His nuts were on his neck. Q. Why couldn't the baby fit through the door? A. Because it had a javelin through it's head! Q. Why did Snow White remain a virgin? A. Because all the dwarfs are fucking dopey. Q. Why did the baby cross the road? A. It was nailed to the chicken. Q. Why did the deviate cross the road? A. Because he had his dick stuck in the chicken. Q. Why did the guy call his dog herpes? A. Because he wouldn't heal. Q. Why did the Irish stop making Ice blocks? A. The old lady who knew the recipe died. Q. Why did the Irishman put the Pill in his windscreen wipers? A. Because the rubbers were wearing out. Q. Why did the Jewish cricket team go back to Germany? A. To win back the ashes. Q. Why did the leper leave the party? A. He got sick of people using his back for a dip. Q. Why did the prostitute leave the leper colony? A. She found that business was dropping off. Q. Why did they lie Rock Hudson face down in his casket? A. So his friends could recognise him. Q. Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's nappies? A. So she could always find him. Q. Why do Aborigines have big nostrils? A. They had to be hung up somewhere to dry. Q. Why do Aborigines have white palms? A. When God spray-painted them they stood spread out with their hands against the wall. Q. Why do all Jews have double glazing on their house windows? A. So their kids won't hear the ice cream trucks. Q. Why do Australian men come so quickly? A. Because they can't wait to get down to the pub to tell their mates. Q. Why do ballerinas wear tights? A. So that they don't stick to the floor. Q. Why do birds fly upside down over Italy? A. Because there's nothing worth shitting on. Q. Why do Camels have humps? A. ...only they could be so lucky. Q. Why do cows wear bells`? A. Because their horns don't work. Q. Why do dogs lick their dicks? A. Because they can. Q. Why do farts smell? A. So deaf people can enjoy them too. Q. Why do female parachutists wear Jockstraps? A. So they don't whistle on the way down. Q. Why do Irish council workers have tea breaks for only 10 minutes? A. If they have any longer, they need to be retrained. Q. Why do Irish women have black tits? A. Because they don't take off their bras before they burn them. Q. Why do Italian boys grow moustaches? A. So they can be like their mothers. Q. Why do more Australian men than women have AIDS? A. Because Australian women marry arseholes, they don't fuck them. Q. Why do negroes have sex on the brain? A. Because they've got pubic hair on their heads. Q. Why do New Zealand horses run so fast? A. Because they've seen what they do to the sheep. Q. Why do ockers where thongs? A. Because it takes an IQ of more than fifteen to tie shoes. Q. Why do Pakistanis carry shit in their wallets? A. For identification. Q. Why do seagulls have wings? A. To beat the Abo's to the tip. Q. Why do Scotsmen have such long thin dicks? A. Because they're such tight-fisted wankers. Q. Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? A. So no-one confuses them with feminists. Q. Why do swans put their head under the water? A. To look for signet rings. Q. Why do they bury Aborigines 100 feet underground? A. Because deep, deep down they're nice people. Q. Why do they call Aborigines "boongs"? A. Because that's the sound they make when you hit 'em with a Land Rover. Q. Why do they put wardrobes in police lock-ups? A. More hanging space. Q. Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. They like tight seals. Q. Why do women have belly buttons? A. Somewhere to put your chewing gum when you're going down. Q. Why do women have fingers? A. Because sheep can't type. Q. Why do women have legs? A. So they don't leave snail trails. Q. Why do women have periods? A. Because they deserve them. Q. Why does an elephant wear condoms on his feet? A. Because if he stands on you, you're fucked. Q. Why does an Irishmen use a condom? A. To be sure, to be sure. Q. Why does an Irishman wear a hat when he's having a shit? A. So he knows what end to wipe. Q. Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waste? A. Because nothing grows in the shade. Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A. So she can moan with the other. Q. Why does Nancy Reagan climb on top for sex? A. Because Ronny can only screw up. Q. Why does Nancy Reagan want to divorce Ron? A. He's making it hard for everyone but her. Q. Why don't Abo brides wear any undies? A. To keep the flies off the wedding cake. Q. Why don't Abo's like blowjobs? A. They don't like any jobs. Q. Why don't Americans get piles? A. Because they're perfect arseholes. Q. Why don't ants have balls? A. Because they can't dance. Q. Why have elephants got four feet? A. Six inches isn't enough. Q. Why is it best to do a 69er upside down? A. Because your taste buds are on the top of your tongue. Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot? A. Because you can't fit that much shit in a shoe. Q. Why is money green? A. Because the Jews pick it before its ripe. Q. Why is pubic hair curly? A. If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out. Q. Why is Stevie Wonder still smiling? A. No one's told him he's black. Q. Why is The suicide rate low among Irishmen? A. It's pretty hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement. Q. Why is Vietnam so flat? A. Because all the slopes are over here. Q. Why is water from a well like a portrait? A. Because both are drawn! Q. Why was alcohol invented? A. So fat, smelly women could get laid. Q. Why was John Wayne's toilet paper taken off the market? A. Because it was rough, tough, and didn't take shit from anyone. Q. Why was the Orange person blue? A. His karma ran over his dogma. Q. Why wasn't George Washington punished when he copped down his father's cherry tree? A. Because he still had the axe in his hand. Q. Why wasn't Christ born in New Zealand2 A. Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Q. Would you like a job that involves sex and travel? A. Well! Fuck off! NOTICE ------ It has come to the notice of the Company that Employees are dying on their feet and refusing to fall down. THIS PRACTICE MUST CEASE FORTHWITH Any employee found dead on the job, in an upright position, will be immediately dropped from the payroll. In future if the foreman notices that an employee has made no movement for two hours, it is his duty to investigate, as it is almost impossible to distinguish between death and natural movement of some employees. FOREMEN ARE CAUTIONED TO MAKE A CAREFUL INVESTIGATION Holding a pay envelope in front of the selected corpse is considered the most suitable method. There has been, however, cases where the natural instincts have been so strongly ingrained, that the hand has made a spasmodic clutch, even after rigor mortis has set in. WIDENING YOUR VOCABULARY - Lesson 1 =================================== Perhaps the most versatile work in the English language is the work "FUCK". It is a magical work -just by its sound you can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Dave fucked Anne) and intransitive (Anne got fucked by Dave); as a noun (Anne is a good fuck); as an adjective (Anne is fucking beautiful). As you can see there are not many words with the versatility of the work "fuck". Beside the social connotation of "fuck", there are many other useful applications. Here are a few. Greeting Where the fuck have you been? Farewell Fuck off! Fraud I really got fucked at the auction. Dismay Oh fuck it. Trouble Well, I'm really fucked now. Aggression You can get fucked. Difficulty I can't get the fucking hang of this. Devotion Fuck the company. Displeasure What the fucks going on here? Incompetence He fucks everything up. Lost Where the fuck are we? Sudden exit Let's get the fuck out of here. Retaliation Sort that fucker out. Carefree I don't give a fuck. The word fuck has figured prominently in the last words of some famous people. GENERAL CUSTER : Where did all those fucking Indians come from? MAYOR OF HIROSHIMA : What the fuck was that? CAPTAIN OF TlTANIC : Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs. I would like to bring to your attention a rare business opportunity which may be of some interest to you as an individual or could be considered a part of the Bank's diversification program. Your name has been provided by your Melbourne office. The project, which has tremendous profit-making potential, would be to invest in a large cat ranch near Billabong, Yarramindi. It would be our purpose to start rather small with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens a year. Skins can be sold for 20c for the white ones and up to 40c for the black ones. This will give us 10 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of about 32c making our revenue about $3 million per year. This really averages to $10,000 per day, excluding Sunday and holidays. A good Aussie cat-man can skin about fifty cats per day at a wage of $3.15 per day. It would take only 663 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day. Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If we start with one million rats, we will have four rats for each cat per day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of that will give each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this that the business is a clean operation, self supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins. Eventually, it would be our hope to cross the cats with snakes for they skin themselves twice a year. This would save the labour costs of skinning as well as give us two skins for one cat. Please let me know as soon as possible of your decision since opportunities such as this come only once in a lifetime, even in Yarramindi. Dear Earthling Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into this piece of paper. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really horny. Thanks. WD4O IT'S GOOD STUFF DO YOU HAVE TIGHT NUTS or A RUSTY TOOL then use WD4O in the MAN SIZED PRESSURE PACK Stands 9in High X 11/2 in Diam (Complete with Red Knob) Makes old tools like new again Tools slide in and out with ease Lubricates dry passage ways Makes screwing a pleasure Gives better penetration BUY SOME - TRY SOME KEEP A SPARE IN YOUR CAR FOR EMERGENCIES!!! *** CIGARETTE AD FOR WINSOM CIGARETTES *** If it wasn't for Winsom I wouldn't smoke. I also wouldn't cough. And my breath wouldn't smell. And my fingers wouldn't be stained yellow. And my clothes wouldn't stink from stale smoke. And my taste buds wouldn't be deadened. And my nose wouldn't run. And my eyes wouldn't tear and- RUSH JOB CALENDAR |------+------+------+------+------+------+------| | MIR ! FRI ! FRI ! FRI ! THUR ! WED ! TUE ! +------+------+------+------+------+------+------+ ! 8 ! 7 ! 6 ! 5 ! 4 ! 3 ! 2 ! +------+------+------+------+------+------+------+ ! 16 ! 14 ! 13 ! 12 ! 11 ! 10 ! 9 ! +------+------+------+------+------+------+------+ ! 23 ! 22 ! 21 ! 20 ! 19 ! 18 ! 17 ! +------+------+------+------+------+------+------+ ! 32 ! 29 ! 28 ! 27 ! 26 ! 25 ! 24 ! +------+------+------+------+------+------+------+ ! 39 ! 38 ! 37 ! 36 ! 35 ! 34 ! 33 ! +------+------+------+------+------+------+------+ 1. This is a special calendar which has been developed for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a client can order his work on the 7th and have it dome on the 3rd. 2. Everyone wants his job by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week. 3. There are eight new days at the end of the month for those end-of the-month jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month - so there can't be late delivery of end-of the-month jobs on the 1st. 5. A "Blue Monday" or "Monday morning hangover" can't happen, as all Mondays have been eliminated. 6. There are no bothersome non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. 7. With no l5th, 30th or 3lst, no "time-off' is necessary for cashing salary cheques or paying bills. 8. "MIRDAY" - A special day each week for performing miracles. This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody. MY DOG SEX ========== Usually everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or Boy or something. I call mine "SEX". Well SEX is a very embarrassing name. One day I took SEX for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4 am. in the morning. I said I'm looking for SEX. My case comes up Thursday. One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license for SEX. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for SEX. He said, "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had SEX since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong boy." When I decided to get married I told the minister that I wanted to have SEX at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But SEX has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around SEX." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having SEX there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church. My wife and I took the dog along with us on our honeymoon. When I checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and I, and a special room for SEX. The clerk said that every room in the motel is for sex. Then I said, "You don't understand, SEX keeps me awake at night," and the clerk said, "Me too." One day I told my friend that I had SEX on TV. He said "Show off." I told him it was a contest, and he told me that I should have sold tickets. When my wife and I separated we went to court for the custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had SEX before I was married," and the Judge said "Me too." Well now, I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced, and had more damn trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day I went for my first session with the psychiatrist and she asked me what the problem was, I replied, "Hell, SEX has died and left my life. It's like loosing a best friend -- it's so lonely." The doctor said, "Look mister, you and I both know sex isn't man's best friend, so get yourself a dog." MAD'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGE. ================================= BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit". BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills. BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green. computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What Computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list. CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals. COPY: What you have to do during school test because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#$%&~% computer!" DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip. DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer. ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look". EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals. FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes. FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food. HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes, and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer. IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant. MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school. PROGRAMS: Those thing you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it. RAM: What you do to the side of your computer when it's not working properly. RETURN:What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half. TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains, and really good deals on hot computers. WINDOW:What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up. EASY EXAM QUESTIONS =================== PSYCHOLOGY Based on what you have read in the newspapers, evaluate the emotinal stability, degree of adjustment, and the regressed frustrations of each: - Anita Bryant; - Billy Carter; - Sigmund Freud; - Richard Nixon. BIOLOGY Create life. Implicit in this assignment which is that the use of any other form of life is not allowed since life must be created, not simply reproduced or modified. CONSTRUCTION Build a full scale replica of the Great Pyramid. Use only the resources similar to those at the disposal of the ancient Egyptians. Note: this is a Union job, no slave labour is allowed. You have 17 minutes. ECONOMICS Develop a realistic plan for refining the national debt. ENGINEERING The disassembled parts of a high powered rifle have been placed in a box on the table; included is an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you may feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE Describe in detail, briefly. Extra Credit: Define the Universe. give three examples. LAW Take a position for or against truth and it relates to ,. practice. If your position is pro, explain the paradox his creates with the Australian judicial system. MATHEMATICS Reconstruct the system such that e and pi are whole numbers. MEDICINE You have been provided with a razor blade, gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't suture until your work has been inspected. You have 18 minutes. PHILOSOPHY Trace the development of human thought. Compare this with the development of any other kind of thought. PHYSICS Create matter. The use of any form of energy is not allowed. POLITICAL SCIENCE There is a red telephone in front of you. Start World War III. Report at length on its social/political effects, if any. Prepare an Environmental Impact Statement. PUBLIC SPEAKING Two thousand drug-crazed Aborigines are storming the room. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. SOCIOLOGY What sociological problems might accompany the end of the world? Construct an experiments to test your theory. First, prepare an Environmental Impact Statement acceptable to the Sierra Club. ABORIGINAL APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT ===================================== Note: It is not necessary to attach a photograph as you all look alike. NAME ....................................................... ADDRESS .................................................... (If living in car, give make, model and registration) D.O.B. ..................................................... NAME OF MUVA. .............................................. NAME OF FAVA (if known) .................................... LATIONS LIVING WITH YOU ............... Continue over page MAKE OF CAR ( ) 62 Holden ( ) 63 Holden ( ) 64 Holden ( ) Valiant IS THE VEHICLE ( ) Under hire purchase ( ) Stolen ( ) Owned by lations IF UNDER HIRE PURCHASE: What is repossession date?............. MARITAL STATUS ( ) Commom Law ( ) Shacked Up ( ) Other APPROXIMATE ESTIMATE AND SOURCE OF PRESENT INCOME ( ) Theft ( ) Unemployment Benefit ( ) Armed Robbery ( ) Accident Compo PLACE OF BIRTH ( ) Free Public Hospital ( ) Under Gum Tree ( ) Zoo WHAT SPORT DO YOU PLAY ( ) Rugby ( ) Head kicking ( ) Softball EQUIPMENT YOU CAN OPERATE ( ) Crow Bar ( ) Space Invaders ( ) Knife ( ) Juke Box PICK FOODS YOU LIKE BEST ( ) Pal ( ) Fish & Chips ( ) Hamburger ( ) Kentucky Fried Dog ( ) Meat Pies PICK ILLNESS YOU HAVE HAD IN LAST YEAR ( ) Scabies ( ) Head Lice ( ) V.D. AT WHAT DISTANCE CAN OTHERS SMELL YOU ( ) 800 Metres ( ) 400 Metres ( ) 100 Meters HOW OFTEN DO YOU SHOWER ( ) Yearly ( ) Monthly ( ) Daily ABILITIES ( ) Truck Driver ( ) Process Worker ( ) Pub Fight Starter ( ) Car Bonnet Sitter ( ) Rapist ( ) Labourer ( ) V.D. Spreader HOW MANY CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS HAVE YOU HAD ( ) More than 30 ( ) 20-30 ( ) 10-20 CRIMINAL OFFENCES ( ) Rape ( ) Assault and Battery ( ) Armed Robbery ( ) Fraud ( ) Other IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, LIST YOUR GREATEST DESIRE (other than a white girl) ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... ............................................................... The Manager. North-South Scaffold. 34 Know Street, CLOVELLY. NSW. 2034. Dear Mr. Manager Generalissimo, I, Luigi Guiseppi Santiago, comma froma Italiano and gotta de job ina your kind firm on a bigga building downa town. When I getta to the job yesterday, the boss he say I gotta bringa the pipes downa from the fifhta floor. So I getta some rope and a beam and a pulley and a bigga wooden barrel and maka da hoist and hoista the barrel upa to the fiftha floor. Then I tiea the rope down at the ground floor. When I filla the barrel witha the pipes, I comma down and untia the rope. The barrel she's a more heavy than me and as she a comma down, I go up. But, Sir, I'a no letta go of the rope! Halfa way up I meeta the barrel, she's gotta sharp bit onna side and it rippa my trousers and catcha onna end of my cock. When I reacha the fiflha floor, I banga my head onna the beam and broka four fingers and I have a sixty foot cock. But Boss, I still notta letta go of the rope! When the barrel she hitta the ground, the arsa he fella out of her and all the pipes they fella ona the ground. Then I getta heavier thana the barrel and she start to comma down. Halfa way down, I meeta the barrel again, she hitta me and skinna my shin, breaka my kneecap and the sharpa bit she cut offa my left nut. I keepa going down till I hitta the pipes. I getta the cuts all over, slippa the disc inna my back and breaka my leg. Mr. Sir Boss, THEN I lctta go of the rope. The barrel she comma down again. She hitta me and breaka five of my ribs, knocks out alla my teeth and breaka by jaww. Now Mr. Boss, this is my problem, my wife she gonna leave me because she donta wanna husband with one nut, no teeth and sixty foot cock, lika pieca string. The foreman, he calls me a 'stupid dago bastard' (Thisa not true, I naturalised stupid Australian bastard!) Dr. Zerritzitio he say I mighta hava to go to hospital. Mr. Boss, what I wanna know isa, how much I gotta pay for the barrel I breaka? Youra faithful servant, Luigi Guiseppi SANTIAGO. Community Relations Canberra. A.C.T. 2600. Reference 5088081 Dear Sir, As part of our program for fostering greater world understanding and with the knowledge of your deep feeling for coloured persons the Australian Department of Community Relations has selected you as a participating household in our new 'Lend A Helping Hand' plan. You will be pleased, we are sure, to know that we have assigned a typical family group from Vietnam to be guests in your home for the next few months until permanent accommodation, and necessary citizenship papers can be drafted. These people have suffered tremendous upheaval and it will take some time for them to adapt to our way of life. We are sure that you will do everything possible, even if it means some reorganisation in your home and in personal habits. To ensure you are able to make the necessary accommodation arrangements, the family will consist of father, mother, five children, wife's bother, husband's mother and her sister. Tents and stretchers, and also portable toilets are available at a modest rental rate from Geo. Pickers & Co., Brisbane. These may be erected in your front of back yard. Necessary approval for erection of tents from the Council will be obtained by this department, so as not to inconvenience you. Within the next week you will hear from our head office regarding the arrival date, routing and the name of your selected family. We shall include some recipes from Vietnam so that you may prepare their favourite dishes. So as not to inconvenience you, we shall provide adequate supplies of rice, chicken and powdered goat's milk. If approval can be obtained from council, we hope to be able to provide you with two milking goats to ensure fresh milk can be made available for the family. Free immunisation will be given for you and your family against Typhus, Cholera, Tuberculosis and Leprosy. No doubt you will wish to meet them at the airport. We suggest you hire a mini bus or similar for the happy occasions, as they will be bringing some of their possessions. While this may seem like a small gesture to you, we are convinced that it is by such brotherhood that Australia will become one big happy multi-Asian Country. Bless You, Yours In Friendship, A. Grahy, Commissioner for Community Relations. ARTIFICIAL STUPIDITY : an introduction by Wallace Marshall The Journal of Irreproducible Results Artificial Stupidity (AS) may be defined as the attempt by computer scientists to create computer programs capable of causing problems of a type normally associated with human thought. Such efforts range from Charles Boil's 1908 chess playing program (1) designed to lose every game it played, to modern, general purpose programs that can mess up, in a few milliseconds, jobs which it would take thousands of man-hours to fix. Modern techniques in AS vastly enhance our ability to misrepresent data and provide highly effective methods to increase industrial inefficiency. One type of AS program which is rapidly gaining popularity is the so-called "novice system", a program that is able to confuse information given to it by a human operator. Novice systems are constructed through the process of "ignorance engineering" which involves experts in a given field being allowed to "converse" with the program about a field in which the expert knows nothing whatsoever. By far the majority of novice systems are now being written in fallacy-languages, such a LITHP, Amateur LOG, and DESPAIR. These languages, in turn, are outgrows of earlier fallacy generating programs, which are able to take two or more prepositional arguments and draw a false conclusion. Example: Socrates is mortal, Socrates is a man, therefore, All men are Socrates. Other programs are appearing that can fail to properly carry out all sorts of tasks. Following the lead of such famous programs as SAM and PAM, a program has been written called DAMN, that misunderstands simple stories. AS programs have been written that can find the most inefficient path through a maze, and in 1979 one of these programs was connected to a robot jackass which was allowed to run the maze shown in Figure 1. It travelled at a speed of 20 m.p.h., and took only seven days to traverse the maze, which was 10 feet long. _________________________________ in --> --> out ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Figure 1. Many specialized programming techniques and data structures are being developed for AS applications. As an extension of the traditional "demon" which does a specific task when a given condition occurs, AS programmers use "Mack-trucks", which do whatever they feel like. Data is stored in such revolutionary structures as "spaghetti bowls", and "squeues" which rearrange data in a highly meaningless way. Fuzzy techniques so long applied to processing of visual data are now being extended so as to apply to the actual sensory device, resulting in "fuzzy vision". This enables the computer to obtain more inaccurate information about its environment. AS programs often use so-called "flames". A flame can be thought of as just that - a burning fire into which data may be placed for destruction. Many data bases have been built upon the flame concept as this provides a simple means to enable efficient data loss. Some techniques are poorly understood and are still in the development stages, such as serial redundancy and amorphous structuring. Much more research will go on in the future on such advanced concepts. AS is already being used by many large corporations to make more well-informed mistakes (you've heard of New Coke?). Police departments all over the country are using AS systems to aid in the arrest of innocent people. Scientific fields in which AS is now being applied include chromatogram-misreading, sub-atomic Egyptology, and conclusion jumping. In engineering, AS is being used to design nonfunctional circuits and compute the aerodynamics of indefinite integrals. AS programs have even been written to write other programs. (3) So far only three programs, LIKE, SPOT, and ARCHAEOPTERYX have been written. These three programs wrote programs that produced the output shown below: LIKE: syntax error SPOT: syntax error ARCHAEOPTERYX: syntax error Such autoprogramming devices greatly increase the ability of software engineers to fail to produce the desired product in the allotted time, and to make hidden bugs more easily created. As for total artificial stupidity, many philosophical arguments have been proposed. Perhaps the most famous is that of Kurd Girdle, who proved that although you can make a system do any finite number of stupid things, you can never program it to act like a congressman. (2) REFERENCES 1) Boil, C. L. Automated Chess Loss Program. OOPART ACTA 45:72, (1234787651234.6),1908. 2) Girdlc, K. R. Stupidity in formal systems. Proceeds of the 85th annual IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE conference on egyptology,1983. 3) Sheridan, P.J. Autoprogramming in AS. J. Appl. Bs.,100:34(0), 1989. WHO'S BOSS? =========== When the Lord created man, all the parts of his body argued over who was to be Boss. The Brain argued that since he controlled all parts of the Body, he should be Boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted, they should be Boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be Boss. The hands argued that since they would be doing all the work, they should be Boss. Finally the arsehole applied for the position. All other parts of the Body laughed so much that the arsehole became irate, and clogged up. After a few days of this the Brain became foggy, the Legs wobbled and finally could no longer support the Body. The Stomach became violently ill, and the Hands were so weak they hung at the side of the Body and the Eyes became crossed and unable to see. Finally they all relented, and agreed to make the arsehole the Boss. This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be a Boss, just an ARSEHOLE. Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: 1. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. 2. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. 3. You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves your brother! 4. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 5. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. 6. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". 7. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 8. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 9. Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 10. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 11. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precision from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenceless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. Two elephants jumped out of a building........ BOOM! BOOM! Confucius say: "Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger!" Confucius say: "Man who wait too long to pop the question usually wind up with second hand stuff Overheard in a bar: Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one arsehole in there now." An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only person who will sit on its face is its mother. And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the psychological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?" I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me. I used to be into necrophilia, sadism, and bestiality, but am I just flogging a dead horse?" STRESS : That confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some arsehole who it. Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandry man and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandry man uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses this to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bull shit. GOD is applied POWER which is applied GOVERNMENT which is applied POLITICS which is applied ADVERTISING which is applied SOCIOLOGY which is applied PSYCHOLOGY which is applied BIOLOGY which is applied CHEMISTRY which is applied PHYSICS which is applied MATH which is applied PHILOSOPHY which is applied BULL SHIT There were the Scots Who kept the Sabbath And everything else they could lay their hands on. Then there were the Welsh Who prayed on their knees and their neighbours. Thirdly there were the Irish Who never knew what they wanted But were willing to fight for it anyway. Lastly there were the English Who considered themselves a self made nation Thus relieving The Almighly of a dreadful responsibility. You are suffering from a symptomatic mania which, having been imposed upon the psyche has deranged the libido to a paranoiac state of traumatic repression, compounded with inferiorities and deep-rooted fixations, which give lien to psycho-neurotic manias, causing catastrophically diversified tendencies. Bridegroom at reception to best friend: "Then he said to love, honour and obey and she started laughing!" Wife: "What did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" Husband: "I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again." Some men don't know the meaning of fear, others are married. Many a woman leads a double life, her own and her husband's. A man proposes on his knees and spends the rest of his life trying to get back on his feet. Some good advice on marriage. Only two things are necessary to keep your wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. Second, let her have her way! Neil Diamond and Sid Vicious got together and wrote a song. They called it "You don't Send Me Flowers No More, You Cunt". Researcher's have come across a new strain of AID's. Its called Hearing AID's because you get it from listening to arseholes! Yuppy credo: There are two things to aim for in life:- 1. to achieve what you want; 2. then secure it against inflation. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. A penny saved is ridiculous. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. "A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers." Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they arc certain, they do not refer to reality. Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Beware of altruism. It is based on self deception, the root of all evil- Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. Condoms arc like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. Culture is the habit of being pleased with The best and knowing why. Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a Communist politician is through, he is through. Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. Democracy is based upon the premise that a million people are smarter than one, and totalitarianism assumes one person is smarter than a million... neither premise is necessarily true. Democracy is the only form of life with many legs and no brain. Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. Do something big -- fuck a giant! Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. "Who else?" answered the patient. Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon. Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. Drive defensively, buy a tank. Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. Egotism is the anaesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. Evangelists do it with Him watching. Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the .... Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. Get the first shot off fast, it doesn't matter that you miss. It unsettles the other guy so fast that you'll have time to do a better job on the second. Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever. God did not create the world in 7 days; he horsed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter. God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. God must love arseholes -- HE made so many of them. He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands. He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e., none to speak of. I can resist anything but temptation. I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now. "I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another." If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. If it's good, they discontinued it. If there are only two shows on TV worth watching this week, they will be on at the same time. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. If you think sex is a pain in the arse, try a different position. If you're early, it's cancelled, if you're on time, it's late, if you're late, you're late. Insanity is hereditary - it's caused by kids. Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. Life is a yo-yo, and mankind tics knots in the string. Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked. Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. NOTICE: The AGM for the National Society for Preservation of Apathy in the Workforce, has been cancelled due to lack of interest. Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. No matter how hard you shop for an item, after you bought it, you will find it on sale. Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone. Opinions are like arseholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way." Some men are discovered; others are found out. Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to university. The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside. The future isn't what it used to be. The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. The one time of the day you lean back and relax is the one time of the day the boss walks through the office. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her. The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: 1. They all had moderate appetites; 2. They all came from middle class homes; 3. All but two of them were dead. The shortest distance between two points is under construction. The slowest checker is always at the quick check-out lane. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door fumbling for your keys. The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune. The woman next door to me says she prefers men to liquor... There are two sides to every divorce: yours and shithead's. There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing. There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion. There's more than one way to skin a cat: Way number 15 -- Crazy Glue and a toothbrush. Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely fat man's pecker. Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's rule of life: if you can't EAT it or FUCK it, PISS on it! When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel, it will probably be a train coming toward you. Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. Why is it that There are so many more horses arses than there are horses? Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them then she isn't good enough for you. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. MUMMY, MUMMY JOKES ================== "Mummy, mummy, why am I running around in circles?" "Shut up or I'II nail your other foot to the floor. "Mummy, mummy, everyone at school calls me a Werewolf!" "Shut up son, and brush ya face!" "Mummy, mummy, I hate Daddy's guts!" "Push them to the side and eat your vegetables then." "Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?" "No, just flush it like everyone else." "Mummy, mummy, when are we going to get to America?" "Shut up and keep swimming." "Mummy, mummy, everyone at school calls me a pansy." "Don't worry dear, just hit them over the head with your handbag." IRISH INVENTIONS ================ A helicopter with an ejector seat. A waterproof tea bag. A submarine with flyscreen. A fold up waterbed. A solar-powered torch. TWO COWS ======== IDEALISM: You have two cows and give one to your neighbour. SOCIALISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and gives you the milk. COMMUNISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and sells you the milk. STALINISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and shoots you. BURAUCRATISM: You have two cows; the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away. CAPITALISM: You have two cows; you sell one and buy a bull. EDDIE EDWARDS THE BUM! ====================== `His name was Eddie Edwards, but everyone called him the Bum. He was a legend in the Pooftersheds, They said he couldn't cum. A young bloke from up Dubbo, had joined the shed this day, it was rumoured that he had a big cock, and that he was fucking gay. They started dead set even, but the Bum soon forged ahead, he was sucking like a demon, as he gave the young bloke head. As the cum flew, the tally grew, the station boss was grinning, as long as that precious cum flew, he didn't care who was winning. The score was dead set even, with one cock left to suck, when the Bum pulled down his pants and said, 'Son let me give you a FUCK!.' The station boss was fuming, as the others let out a cheer, 'Who's gonna suck this last damn cock.' 'You are', they said, 'we're not FUCKING QUEER!' MY FAVOURITE DRUGS [Sung to My Favourite Things] ============================= Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars Reds and peyote to work out your bugs These are a few of my favourite drugs. Uppers and downers and methadone freakout Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs These are a few of my favourite drugs. Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys Users of heroin, often called junkies Methadone helps then to stop being thugs Takes them off one of my favourite drugs. On a bad trip When the cops come When I lose my Head I simply take more of my favourite drugs And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST (To the tune of "Waltzing Matilda") =================================== Once a jolly Pastor camped in a caravan, Under the shade of a Kurrajong tree, And he sang and he prayed as he watched the baby's bottle boil, You'll be a Seven Day Adventist like me. Seven Day Adventist, Seven Day Adventist, You'll be a Seven Day Adventist like me, And he sang and he prayed as he watched the baby's bottle boil, You'll be a Seven Day Adventist like me. Down came Lindy and snatched up Azaria, She picked up the scissors and stabbed her with glee, And she smiled as she shoved the baby in the camera bag, It's fun to be a Seven Day Adventist like me. Out came a dingo nosing around the camp fire, Lindy winked at Michael and said "It wasn't me", What happened to the baby you put in the camera bag, Give it to the dingo and you'll get off free. Give it to the dingo, Give it to the dingo, Give it to the dingo and you'll get off free. Up jumped The dingo, ran past the camera bag, You'll never blame her murder on me, And Azaria's ghost may be heard as you pass by the Kurrajong tree, Mummy was The one that did away with me. CLONE OF MY OWN (To Home on the Range) ====================== Oh, give me a clone Of my own flesh and bone With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when she is grown, My very own clone, We'll be of the opposite sex. Chorus: Clone, clone of my own, With the Y chromosome changed to X. And when we're alone Since her mind is my own, She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. MEMO TO ALL STAFF ================= Re : SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our programme of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office. If you feel you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be already trained, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) program. If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) program. THANK YOU Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Regional Assistant Trainer Special High Intensity Training (R.A.T.S.H.I.T.) and those with no personality at all will be nominated for the honorary position of Deputy Unpaid Management Brief Special High Intensity Training Students (D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.S.). MEMO TO ALL STAFF ================= Re : USE AND ABUSE OF LANGUAGE IN CUSTOMER AREAS This office wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel that some individuals have been using abusive language in the normal everyday exchanges and communications in relation to the performance of routine duties. The following mode has been devised to permit freedom, originality and understanding between fellow workers. At the same time, give clarity and provide individual ways of communicating whilst within hearing distance of customers and other people outside the company. 600 SERIES - ARSE 601 Stick it up your arse 602 Your arse sucks wind 603 Stick sand up your arse 604 Up your arse 605 Kiss my arse 700 SERIES - SHIT 701 You're shitting me 702 Beats the shit of me 703 I don't give a shit 704 Oh shit! 705 Hot shit 706 Same shit, different day 707 You're giving me the shits 708 Tough shit 900 SERIES - GENERAL 901 Get nicked 902 Bitch 903 Cunt 904 Prick 905 Piss off 907 Mole 908 Slut 909 Tart 910 Dick head 911 Turd 800 SERIES - FUCK 801 Fuck off! 802 What the fuck 803 I just got fucked 804 Big fucking deal 805 I don't give a fuck 806 Far fucking out 807 Get off my fucking back 808 It's so fucking bad I don't believe it 809 Fuck it 810 Fuck the boss 811 I hate this fucking business 812 Fuck you too 813 Lovely, just fucking lovely 814 Fuck the phones 815 Stick it up your fucking arse 816 Merry fucking Christmas 817 Don't get fucking smart 818 I didn't design the fucking thing 819 The fucking thing doesn't work 820 Who called this fucking stupid meeting? 821 It's all fucked up 822 Well fuck me! 823 Fuck wit! 824 Good fucking morning 825 Snap situation normal - all fucked up 826 Totally fucked 828 Fuck me dead! NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES ======================= Nobody minds a man having a morning eye-opener, and it's O.K. to have a bracer around 10 a.m., and a couple of drinks before lunch, and a few beers on a hot afternoon to keep a man healthy or at least happy, and, of course, everyone drinks at a cocktail hour, and a man can't be criticized for having wine with his dinner, a liqueur afterwards and a scotch or two during the evening - but this damn business of SIP, SIP, SIP, all day long, HAS GOT TO STOP! A LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English. ACHILLES' BIOLOGICAL FINDINGS: 1. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbour, that's environment. 2. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. ALAN'S COROLLARY: Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an aeroplane, and three rights will get you onto the freeway. ALAN'S LAW OF FORCE: If it doesn't fit, you're not hitting it hard enough. ALAN'S LAW OF SUCCESS: If at first you succeed, you have no idea what you're doing. ALAN'S MOTTO: It's easier to make true enemies than true friends. ALAN'S SECOND LAW: Never eat anything bigger than your head. ALAN'S VIEW ON LIFE: Life's a bitch, time's a bastard, then you die and get over it. ALLISON'S PRECEPT: The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area. ANTHONY'S LAW OF FORCE: Don't force it; get a large hammer. ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. COROLLARY: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes. APPS' 3RD PRINCIPLE OF BUREAUCRATIC BUNGLING Never do anything for the first time. ARNOLD'S LAWS OF DOCUMENTATION: 1. If it should exist, it doesn't. 2. If it does exist, it's out of dale. 3. Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. ARTHUR'S LAWS OF LOVE: 1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. 2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. ATWOOD'S FOURTEENTH COROLLARY: No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep. BARACH'S RULE: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. BARTH'S DISTINCTION: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. BECKHAP'S LAW: Beauty times brains equals a constant. BEDFELLOWS RULE: The one who snore will fall asleep first. BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 1. a date, 2. his wife, 3. a better looking and richer male friend. BERYL'S LAW: The "CONSUMER REPORT" on the item will come out a week after you buy the item. BOCKLAGE'S LAW: He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke. BOLING'S POSTULATE: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. BOOB'S LAW: You always find something the last place you look. BOOKER'S LAW: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. BRENDA'S RULE: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last. BRIEN'S FIRST LAW: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organisation, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out. BROOK'S LAW: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. BROOKE'S LAW: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. BROWN'S LAW OF BUSINESS SUCCESS: Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss. BUCY'S LAW: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. BYRNE'S LAW OF CONCRETING: When you pour, it rains. CAHN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions. CAMPBELL'S LAW: Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. SUPPLEMENT: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. CAPTAIN PENNY'S LAW: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MUM. CHARNOCK'S LAW: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. CHEIT'S LAMENT: If you help a friend in need he's sure to remember you - the next time he's in need. CHEOPS'S LAW: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. CHISHOLM'S FIRST LAW Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. CHISHOLM'S SECOND LAW: When things are going well, something will go wrong. COROLLARIES: 1. When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. CHISHOLM'S THIRD LAW: Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others. COROLLARIES: 1. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. 2. If you do something which you are sure will meet with everbody's approval, somebody won't like it. 3. Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work. CHURCHILL'S COMMENTARY ON MAN: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. CLARKE'S FIRST LAW: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. CLARKE'S THIRD LAW: Any sufficiently advanced technology, is indistinguishable from magic. CLARKE'S LAW OF REVOLUTIONARY IDEAS: Every revolutionary idea - in Science, Politics, Art or whatever- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases: 1. "It is impossible - don't waste my time." 2. "It is possible, but it is not worth doing." 3. "I said it was a good idea all along." COLE'S LAW Finely chopped cabbage. COLVARD'S LOGICAL PREMISES: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. GRELB'S COMMENTARY: Likelihood, however, are 90% against you. COLVARD'S UNCONSCIONABLE COMMENTARY: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. COMMONER'S SECOND LAW OF ECOLOGY: Nothing ever goes away. COOPER'S LAW: All machines are amplifiers. COOPER'S METALAW: A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes. CORNUELLE'S LAW: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them. CRANE'S LAW: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. DEVRIES' DILEMMA: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. DREW'S LAW: The client who pays the least complains the most. DOW'S LAW: In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. DUCHARM'S AXIOM: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. DUNNE'S LAW: The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation. EDINGTON'S THEORY: The number of different hypotheses erected to explain a given biological phenomenon is inversely proportional to the available knowledge. EHRMAN'S COMMENTARY: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better? ELECTRICIAN'S LAW Any cable cut to length will be too short. ETORRE'S OBSERVATION: The other line moves faster. EVAN'S LAW: If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem. EXTENDED EPSTEIN-HEISENBERG PRINCIPLE: In an R&D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined - simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time, and resources($). 1. If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost. 2. If the time and resources are clearly defined, then it is impossible to know what part of the R&D task will be performed. 3. If you are given a clearly defined R&D goal and a definite amount of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task, you cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached. COROLLARY: If one is lucky enough and can accurately define all 3 parameters, then what one deals with is not in the realm of R&D. FAIRFAX'S LAW: Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result, are fair facts for the argument. FARMER'S CREDO: Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure. FARNSDICK'S COROLLARY: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. FERGUSON'S LAW: A crisis is when you can't say "Let's forget the whole thing." FETT'S LAW OF THE LAB: Never replicate a successful experiment. FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. FINAGLE'S SECOND LAW: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened to his own pet theory. FINAGLE'S THIRD LAW: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. COROLLARIES: 1. No one whom you ask for help will see it. 2.Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately. FINAGLE'S FOURTH LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. FINAGLE'S RULES: 1. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2. Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. 3. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 4. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 5. Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. 6. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. FIRST LAW OF BICYCLING: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. SECOND LAW OF BICYCLING: Take a rain coat When you ride your bicycle. This will make you look like an idiot but it will also help to keep the rain away. In the event it does rain, you can wear your raincoat and laugh at everyone else who is getting wet. However, it is unwise to let them hear you because they will usually de-bike you. FIRST LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS: Comitas comitatum, omnia comitas. SECOND LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS: The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so. FIRST LAW OF DEBATE: Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference. FIRST LAW OF REVISION: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete. (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law.) COROLLARY: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision. SECOND LAW OF REVISION. The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn. THIRD LAW OF REVISION. If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are - instead of as they were meant to be - it is always simpler to start all over. COROLLARY: It is usually impractical to worry before hand about interferences - if you have none, someone will make one for you. FOURTH LAW OF REVISION: After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn't apply to the problem. FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-ECONOMICS: In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay for a given task increases in inverse ratio to the unpleasantness and difficulty of the task. FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-GENETICS: Celibacy is not hereditary. FIRST LAW OF TRAVEL: It always takes longer to get there than to get back. FIRST RULE OF HISTORY: History doesn't repeat itself - historians merely repeat each other. FOURTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planetary. COROLLARY: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. FIFTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. FROTHINGHAM'S FALLACY: Time is money. FUDD'S FIRST LAW OF OPPOSITION: Push something hard enough and it will fall over. FUTILITY LAW: No experiment is ever a complete failure - it can always serve as a negative example. G'S THIRD LAW: In spite of all evidence to The contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bull shit. H'S DICTUM: There is no magic ... GATTUSO'S EXTENSION: Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. GESTRA'S LAW OF INERTIA Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will eventually get done by itself, or it will go away. GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABLY: 1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 2. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4. Investments in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. GILLENSON'S LAW OF EXPECTATION: Never get excited over how people look from behind. GINSBERG'S THEOREM: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. FREEMAN'S COMMENTARY ON GINSBERG'S THEOREM: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. TO WIT: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3.Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. GLATUM'S LAW OF MATERIALISTIC ACQUISITIVENESS: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for. GLYME'S FORMULA: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. GODIN'S LAW: Generalizedness of incompetence is directly proportional to highestness in hierarchy. PETER'S HIDDEN POSTULATE ACCORDING TO GODIN: Every employee begins at his level of competence. GOEBEL'S LAW OF RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC: What speeds up, must slow down. But who says it's ever gonna speed up? GOLDENSTERN'S RULES: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. GORDON'S FIRST LAW: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well. GRAY'S LAW OF PROGRAMMING: 'N+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as 'N' tasks. LOGG'S REBUTTAL OF GRAY'S LAW: 'N+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'N' trivial tasks. PRIESTLEY'S ADDlTION TO LOGGS'S REBUTTAL OF GRAY'S LAW: 'N' > 1. Strongest when 'N' -> Infinity. GREER'S THIRD LAW: A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. GRESHAM'S LAW: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved. GUMMIDGE'S LAW: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public. GUMPERSON'S LAW: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. H. L. MENCKEN'S LAW: Those who can - do. Those who cannot - teach. MARTIN'S EXTENSION: Those who cannot teach - administrate. DAVE'S ADDITION: Those who won't - criticise. HALDANE'S LAW: The universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it's queerer than we can imagine. HANE'S LAW: There is no limit to how bad things can get. HARPER'S MAGAZINE'S LAW: You never find an article until you replace it. HARRIS'S LAMENT: All the good ones are taken. HARTLEY'S FIRST LAW: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. HARVARD LAW: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. HAWKINS' THEORY: Progress consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong. HELLER'S LAW: The first myth of management is that it exists. JOHNSON'S COROLLARY: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organisation. HENDRICKSON'S LAW: If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem. HERSH'S LAW: Biochemistry expands to fill the space and time available for its completion and publication. HERSHISER'S FIRST RULE: Anything NEW and/or IMPROVED, isn't. HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. HOFFER'S LAW: When people arc free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. HOFFSTEDT'S EMPLOYMENT PRINCIPLE: Confusion creates jobs. HORNER'S FIVE-THUMB POSTULATE: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. HORNGREN'S OBSERVATION: Among economists, the real world is often a special case. HOWE'S LAW: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. HUREWITZ'S MEMORY PRINCIPLE: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional IBM POLLYANNA PRINCIPLE: Machines should work; people should think. ILES'S LAW: There is always an easier way to do it. COROLLARIES: 1. When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 2. Neither will Lies. IMBESI'S LAW: In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty. IMHOFF'S LAW: The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top. IRON LAW OF DISTRIBUTION: Them that has, gets. ISSAWI'S LAWS OF PROGRESS: THE COURSE OF PROGRESS: Most things get steadily worse. THE PATH OF PROGRESS: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. THE DIALECTICS OF PROGRESS: Direct action produces direct reaction. THE PACE OF PROGRESS: Society is a mule, not a car... If pressed too hard, it will kick and throw off its rider. JACOB'S LAW: To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human. JACQUIN'S POSTULATE ON DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT: No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session. JENKINSON'S LAW: It won't work. JENSEN'S LAW: Win or lose, you lose. JOHN'S COLLATERAL COROLLARY: In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. JOHNSON AND LAIRD'S LAW: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night. JOHNSON'S FIRST LAW: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. JOHNSON'S SECOND LAW: If, in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening. JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW: If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue which contained the article, story or instalment you were most anxious to read. COROLLARY: All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out. JONES'S LAW: The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. JONES'S LAW OF TV: The show you've been looking forward to all week will be pre-empted. JONES'S MOTTO: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. MCCLAUGHRY'S CODICIL TO JONES'S MOTTO: To make an enemy, do someone a favour. JUHANI'S LAW: The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising. KAMIN'S SIXTH LAW: When attempting to predict and forecast macro-economic moves of economic legislation by a politician, never be misled by what he says; instead- watch what he does. KAPLAN'S LAW OF THE INSTRUMENT: 1. To a small boy with a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 2. If you have to drive a nail, every tool looks like a hammer. KATZ'S LAW: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. KELLY'S REFORMATION: Nice guys don't finish nice. KERR-MARTIN LAW: 1. In dealing with their own problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives. 2. In dealing with other people's problems, they are the most extreme liberals. KITMAN'S LAW: Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. KLIPSTEIN'S LAW OF SPECIFICATION: In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. KLIPSTEIN'S LAWS APPLIED TO GENERAL ENGINEERING: 1. A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application made by an independent worker. 2. Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule. 3. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable terms. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 4. Any wire cut to length will be too short. KLIPSTEIN'S LAWS APPLIED TO PROTOTYPING AND PRODUCTION: 1. Tolerances will accumulate uni-directionally toward maximum difficulty to assemble. 2.If a project requires 'n' components, there will be 'n-1' units in stock. 3. A motor will rotate in the wrong direction. 4. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 5. A transistor protected by a fast-blowing fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 6. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. 7. A purchased component or instrument will meet its specs long enough, and only long enough, to pass incoming inspection. 8. After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 9. After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted. 10. After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. KOHN'S COROLLARY: Two wrongs are only the beginning. LACOMBE'S RULE OF PERCENTAGES: The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25% or 80-90%. DUDENHOEFER'S COROLLARY: An answer of 50 percent will suffice for the 40-60 range. LAVIA'S LAW OF TENNIS: A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her opposition. LAW OF ANNOYANCE: When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly. LAW OF COMMUNICATIONS: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. LAW OF EXPERIENCE: Mistakes are only recognised when they are made a second time. LAW OF GIFTS: You get the most of what you need the least. LAW OF INSTITUTIONS: The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. LAW OF LIFE'S HIGHWAY: If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. LAW OF OBSERVATION: Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away. Or - nothing looks as good from far away as it does close up. LAW OF RERUNS: If you have watched a TV series once and watch it again, it will be a rerun. LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITATION Any falling object will land on the spot which produces maximum damage. JENNING'S COROLLARY: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. KLIPSTEIN'S COROLLARY: The most delicate component will be the one to drop. LAW OF SUPERIORITY: The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle. LAW OF THE INDIVIDUAL: Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing. LAW OF THE KITCHEN: You're always complemented on the item that took the least effort to prepare. LAW OF THE LOST INCH: In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly After 4:40 pm. on Friday. COROLLARIES: 1.Under the said conditions, if any minor dimensions are given to sixteenths of an inch, they cannot be totalled at all. 2.The correct total will become self evident at 9:01 am. on Monday. LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. LAW OF THE SEARCH: The first place to look for something is the last place you'd expect to find it. LAW OF TRIVIALITY: The time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. LAWS OF APPLIED CONFUSION: 1. The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment. COROLLARY: Not only did the plant forget to ship it; 50% of the time they haven't even made it. 2. Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for The truck. 3. After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, delays. 4. Once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 5. Badness comes in waves. LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING: 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 8. Any programmer can find 90% of his bugs simply by explaining his program to any uninterested observer. The uninterested observer may be sleeping, dead, non-human, or in extreme cases, non-existent. 9. The most difficult or nearly impossible programming problems appear obvious or extremely simple to anyone with little or no knowledge of programming. 10.The rarest bug in any operating system or major programming effort will always show up during a demonstration of its use to prospective users or customers. These bugs usually cannot be reproduced and therefore cannot be located. LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM ACCORDING TO GOLUB: 1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long. 3.The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time. 4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. LAWS OF GARDENING: 1. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens. 2. Fancy gizmos don't work. 3. If nobody uses it, there's a reason. 4. You get the most of what you need the least. LAWS OF PROCRASTINATION: 1. Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline). 2. It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time. 3. Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress. 4. Avoidance of interuptions including the assignment of other duties can usually be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort. 5. Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do. 6. It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done. LAWS OF TESTS: 1 80% of the final will be on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read. 2 When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible. LAWS OF THE OFFICE: 1. Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. EXTENSION: Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it. 2. Vital papers will move from where you left them to where you can't find them. LAWS OF UNDERSTANDING: l. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. 2. If you don't understand the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. COROLLARIES: 1.If you have to ask the question, you won't understand the answer. 2.If you understand the answer, you asked the wrong question. 3. If you understand what you yourself are saying, invariably no one else will. COROLLARY: If you understand what someone else is saying, you probably have grossly misinterpreted him. 4.In any argument, the heat of the argument is inversely proportional to the amount of knowledge present. LES MISERABLES METALAW: All laws, whether good, bad or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter. LEVY'S THIRD LAW: That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. LEVY'S NINTH LAW: Only God can make a random selection. LEWIS'S LAW: No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. LIEBERMAN'S LAW: Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. LILLY'S METALAW: All laws are simulations of reality. LORD BALFOUR'S CONTENTION: Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. LORD FALKLAND'S RULE: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. LOWERY'S LAW: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY: There's always one more bug. MAIER'S LAW: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of COROLLARIES: 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. MAIN'S LAW: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. MALEK'S LAW: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. MAN'S LAW No matter what happens, there is someone who knew it would. MATCH'S MAXIM: A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain; everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody. MATILDA'S SUB-Committee LAW: If you leave the room, you're elected. MATSCH'S LAW: It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. MATZ'S MAXIM: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. MCCLAUGHRY'S LAW OF ZONING: Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly. Where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down. MCGOWAN'S MADISON AVENUE AXIOM: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. MERKIN'S MAXIM: When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. MESKIMEN'S LAW: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. MEYER'S LAW: It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple. MILES' RULE: Where you stand depends on where you sit. MILLER'S LAW: You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it. MILLER'S LAW: Exceptions prove the rule - and wreck the budget. MOLLISON'S BUREAUCRACY HYPOTHESIS: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing. MOSER'S LAW OF SPORTS: Exciting plays only occur when you're are watching the scoreboard or buying food. MOSHER'S LAW OF SOFTWARE ENGINEERING: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job. MOTTO OF THE ELECTRICAL ENGINEER: Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. MR. COLE'S AXIOM: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. MR. COOPER'S LAW: If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it. MRS. MURPHY'S LAW: Things go wrong when Murphy's out of town. MUIR'S LAW: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to the universe. MURPHY'S CONSTANT: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. MURPHY'S FLU LAW: If you seem to be getting better, it's your doctor getting worse. MURPHY'S FLU PHILOSOPHY: Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders. MURPHY'S GOVERNMENT LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate. MURPHY'S LAW OF RESEARCH: Enough research will tend to support your theory. MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS: Things get worse under pressure. MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will. COROLLARIES: 1. Nothing is as easy as it looks. 2. Everything takes longer than you think. 2. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. 5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 6. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. 7. Every solution breeds new problems. 8. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 10. Mother nature is a bitch. MURRAY'S RULE OF BASEBALL: Whatever can go to New York, will. NAESER'S LAW: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damn foolproof. NEWTON'S LITTLE-KNOWN SEVENTH LAW: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES: The first ninety percent of the task takes ten percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. O'BRIEN'S LAW: Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. O'BRIEN'S PRINCIPLE (THE $357.73 THEORY): Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10. O'RIORDAN'S THEOREM: Brains x Beauty = Constant. PURMAL'S COROLLARY: As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero. O'TOOLE'S AXIOM: One child is not enough, but two are far too many. O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAW: Murphy was an optimist. OESER'S LAW: There is a tendency for the person in the most powerful position in an organization to spend all of his or her time serving on committees and signing letters. OLD AND KAHN'S LAW: The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number of participants and time spent on deliberations. OSBORN'S LAW: Variables won't; constants aren't. PARDO'S POSTULATES: 1. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 2. The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman. 3. Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably and have everything you want. PARETO'S LAW (THE 20/80 LAW): 20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover. 20% of the components account for 80% of the cost, etc. PARKER'S LAW OF POLITICAL STATEMENTS: The truth of any proposition has nothing to do with its credibility and vice versa. PARKER'S RULE OF PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE: A motion to adjourn is always in order. PARKINSON' FIRST LAW: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion. PARKINSON'S SECOND LAW: Expenditures rise to meet income. PARKINSON'S THIRD LAW: Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. PARKINSON'S FOURTH LAW: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. PARKINSON'S FIFTH LAW: If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. PARKINSON'S SIXTH LAW: The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals published. PARKINSON'S AXIOMS: l. An official wants to multiply subordinates, not rivals. 2. Officials make work for each other. PARKINSON'S LAW OF DELAY: Delay is the deadliest form of denial. PATRY'S LAW: If you know something can go wrong and prepare, something else will go wrong. PATTON'S LAW: A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. PAUL'S LAW: You can't fall off the floor. PAULG'S LAW: In Australia, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. PEER'S LAW: The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. PERKINS' POSTULATE: The bigger they are... the harder they hit. PERLSWEIG'S LAW: People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity. PERSIG'S POSTULATE: The number of rational hypotheses that can explain any given phenomenon is infinite. PETER'S INVERSION: Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficient service. PETER'S LAW OF SUBSTITUTION: Look after the molehills and the mountains will look after themselves. PETER'S OBSERVATION: Super-competence is more objectionable than incompetence. PETER'S PLACEBO: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. PETER'S PROGNOSIS: Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear. PETER'S RULE FOR CREATIVE INCOMPETENCE: Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence. PETER'S THEOREM: Incompetence plus incompetencee equals incompetence. PETORRE'S AXIOM The other queue moves faster. PORKINGHAM'S FISHING PHILOSOPHY: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you. POTTER'S LAW: The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value. PREUDHOMME'S LAW OF WINDOW CLEANING: It's on the other side. PRICE'S LAW: If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. PRIESTLEY'S SICKNESS OBSERVATION Sickness tends to occur:- 1. on your day off; 2. during your holidays; 3. during examinations; 4. at the most inconvenient time. PRIESTLEY'S THEOREM For 'N' complementary items there will be 'N' of one and'N-1' of the other. Example :10 letters, 9 envelopes, 8 stamps, etc. PROFESSORS BLOCK'S MOTTO: Forgive and Remember. PUDDER'S LAW: Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse. PUTT'S LAW: Technology is dominated by two types of people: 1. those who understand what they do not manage; and 2. those who manage what they do not understand. QUANTIZATION REVISION OF MURPHY'S LAW: Everything goes wrong all at once. RAY'S PRECISION RULE: Measure with a micrometer - Mark with chalk - Cut with an axe. RECURSIVE REVISION OF MURPHY'S LAW Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. REV. CHICHESTER'S LAW: If the weather is extremely bad or extremely good, attendance will be down. RICHARD'S COMPLEMENTARY RULES OF OWNERSHIP: l. If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away. 2. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible. ROCKEFELLER'S Principle: Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing. ROGER'S LAW: As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airliner encounters turbulence. DAVIS' ANSWER TO ROGER'S LAW: Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence. ROMINGER'S RULE FOR STUDENTS: The more general the title of a course, the less you learn from it. ROSS'S LAW: Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance. RUDIN'S LAW: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst on possible. RULE OF ACCURACY: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. RULE OF FELINE FRUSTRATION: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. RULE OF THE GREAT: When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. SATTINGER'S LAW: It works better if you plug it in. SCHMIDT'S LAW: If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. SCOTT'S FIRST LAW: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. SCOTT'S SECOND LAW: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place. COROLLARY: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. SEAY'S LAW: Nothing ever comes out as planned. SEGAL'S LAW: A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. SEYMOUR'S INVESTMENT PRINCIPLE: Never invest in anything that eats. SHANAHAN'S LAW: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. SHAW'S PRINCIPLE: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. SIMON'S LAW: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. SKINNER'S CONSTANT (FLANNAGAN'S FINAGLING FACTOR): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. SKOFF'S LAW: A child will not spill on a dirty floor. SOCIOLOGY'S IRON LAW OF OLIGARCHY: In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchical leaders and the others will follow. SODD'S SECOND LAW: Sooner or later the worst is bound to occur. SPARK'S TEN RULES FOR THE PROJECT MANAGER: 1. Strive to look tremendously important. 2. Attempt to be seen with important people. 3. Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts. 4. Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on - then quickly change the subject. 5. Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it. 6. If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. 7.Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of the limelight. 8. Walk at a fast pace when out of the office - this keeps questions from subordinates and superiors at a minimum. 9. Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference. 10. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbour File". SPRINKLE'S LAW: Things always fall at right angles. STEELE'S PLAGIARISM OF SOMEBODY'S PHILOSOPHY: Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink. STEINBACH'S GUIDELINE FOR SYSTEMS PROGRAMMING: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. STITZER'S VACATION PRINCIPLE: Take half as much clothing and twice as much money. STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM: If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. STURGEON'S LAW: 90% of everything is crud. SWIPPLE RULE OF ORDER: He who shouts loudest has the floor. TELESCO'S NURSING LAW: All the IV's are at the other end of the Hall. TERMAN'S LAW OF INNOVATION: If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot. THE AIRPLANE LAW: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. THE ARMY AXIOM: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood. THE FIFTH RULE: You have taken yourself too seriously. THE GOLDEN RULE: Whoever has the most makes the rules. THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES: The one who has the gold makes the rules. THE GREEN THUMB LAW: The life of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness. THE KENNEDY CONSTANT: Don't get mad - get even. THE MURPHY PHILOSOPHY: Smile ... tomorrow will be worse. THE ORDERING PRINCIPLE: Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must be ordered no later than tomorrow noon. THE PACE OF PROGRESS: Society is a mule, not a car ... if pressed too hard, it will throw off its rider. THE PETER PRINCIPLE: In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. COROLLARIES: 1. In time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 2. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. THE PRINCIPLE CONCERNING MULTIFUNCTIONAL DEVICES: The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions. THE RECOMMENDED PRACTICES COMMITTEE OF THE INTERNATIONAL SOCIETY OF PHILOSOPHICAL ENGINEERS' UNIVERSAL LAWS FOR NAIVE ENGINEERS: 1. In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. 2. Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm. 3. In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables. 4. The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service. 5. The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted. 6. If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable. 7. If a test installation functions effectively subsequent production units will malfunction. 8. All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0. 9. Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed. 10. Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 11. Interchangeable parts won't. 12. Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5. 13. Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25. 14. Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department. 15. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 16. Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded. 17. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 18. Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field. 19. If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor. 20. Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice. THE RULE OF THE WAY OUT: Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. THE SPARE PARTS Principle: The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the workbench, varies directly with the size of the part - and inversely with its importance to the completion of work underway. THE THIRD LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are investigating the unknown you do not know what you will find. THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW: As soon as you mention something... ... if its good, it goes away. .. if its bad, it happens. THIESSEN'S LAW OF GASTRONOMY: The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the roll. THOM'S LAW OF MARITAL BLISS: The length of marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding. TRISCHMAN'S PARADOX: A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. TROUTMAN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES: 1. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction. 2. Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will the most harmful error be discovered. 3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be. 4. Interchangeable tapes won't. 5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it. TRUMAN'S LAW: If you cannot convince them, confuse them. TUCCILLE'S FIRST LAW OF REALITY: Industry always moves in to fill an economic vacuum. TURNAUCKA'S LAW: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level. VAN ROY'S LAW: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. VELILIND'S LAWS OF EXPERIMENTATION: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. VIQUE'S LAW: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. WAGNER'S LAW OF SPORTS TV: When the camera isolates on a male athlete, he will either spit, pick or scratch. WALTER'S LAW OF POLITICS: A fool and his money are soon elected. WATSON'S LAW: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. WEAVER'S LAW: When several reporters share a cab on an assignment, the reporter in the front seat pays for all. DOYLE'S COROLLARY: No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account. WEBER'S DEFINITION: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows nothing at all. WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. WEINBERG'S COROLLARY: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. WEINBERG'S FIRST LAW: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. WEINBERG'S WHITE BREAD WARNING: Things are the way they are because they got that way. WESTHEIMER'S RULE: To estimate the time it takes to do a task; estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2. and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task. WHISTLER'S LAW: You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge. WHITE'S CHAPPAQUIDICK THEOREM: The sooner and in more detail you announce the bad news, the better. WHITE'S STATEMENT: Don't lose heart... OWEN'S COMMENTARY ON WHITE'S STATEMENT: ... they might want to cut it out... BYRD'S ADDITION TO OWEN'S COMMENTARY ON WHITE'S STATEMENT: ... and they want to avoid a lengthy search. WHOLE PICTURE PRINCIPLE: Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow endeavours that they cannot possibly see the whole picture of anything, including their own research. COROLLARY: The Director of Research should know as little as possible about the specific subject of research he is administering. WIKER'S LAW: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. WILLIAMS AND HOLLAND'S LAW: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistics. WINGO'S AXIOM: All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking. WINGER'S RULE: If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just become the expert. WOMAN'S LAW Don't confuse me with facts, my mind is made up. WORKER'S DILEMMA: 1. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. 2. No matter how much you know, you'll never know enough. 3. What you don't do is always more important than what you do. WYNNE'S LAW: Negative slack tends to increase. WYSZKOWSKI'S FIRST LAW: No experiment is reproducible. WYSZKOWSKI'S SECOND LAW: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. YOUNG'S LAW: All great discoveries are made by mistake. COROLLARY: The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake. YOUNG'S PRINCIPLE OF INDIVIDUALITY: Everybody wants to peel their own banana. ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEMS DYNAMICS: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can. ZYMURGY'S LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOUR: People are always available for work in the past tense. ZYMURGY'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAW: When it rains, it pours. HAWKE IS MY SHEPHERD ==================== I shall not want He leadeth me beside still factories and abandoned farms He restoreth my doubts in the Labour Party He annointeth my wage with tax and inflation, so my expenses runneth over my income Surely poverty and hard living shall follow the rest of my days And I shall pray for the dole And live in a rented house forever Five thousand years ago, Moses said: Pick up your shovel, move your arse, and I shall lead you to the promised land. Five thousand years later. Gough Whitlam said: Lay down your shovel, sit on your arse, this is the promised land. This year: Hawke will take your shovel, sell your camel, kick your arse, and tell you he sold the promised land. I'm glad I'm an Aussie I'm glad I'm free I wish I was a dog..... and Hawke a tree. GOLF... What a strange game. ============================ Where else would you find a bloke fanatical about choosing:- a bag, shoes, hat, gloves, umbrella, towel and even address? Where would you find so many swingers, hookers, pushers, sandgropers, and pros. Where else could you:- tee up, have a sand wedge, chips, lots of greens, and watch a pitcher - all for $3-00? Where else can you find more bunkers than WWII? Where could you take a buggy with your own driver in the woods and see birdies, eagles, albatrosses, ferrets and even a bogie man? Where else can you dig up someone else's turf play in the sand or knock down trees without being seen? Where else would you find players who have a handicap, stroke, play with each others balls, get a hole in one doing a "69"?! REAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS. ========================== Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully lure up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk. Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. Real Programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for wimps who can't read the listings or object deck. Real programmers don't draw flow charts. Cavemen drew flow charts and look how much good it did them. Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat twinkles and szechuan food. Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work up case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do system programming. Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line. Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC, after the age of 12. Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks and cryptography weenies. Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parenthesis than actual code. Real programmers don't write in PASCAL or BLISS or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get. Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping. Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9AM, it's because they were up all night. Real programmers scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to think big. Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working in 'only a few' 30-hour debugging sessions. Kun Ton Tong Chinese Restaurant =============================== Meat Dishes ----------- Hol Mein Kok ......................... Serag End (Encased in Lady Fingers) Kok Sor .............................. Sausage rubbed with Chilli powder Yu Lait .............................. Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce Rek Tum Blok ......................... Extra Large Sausage Long Dik ............................. Coq in Van Specialties ----------- Fuc Yu ............................... Chinese Toast Munth Lei ............................ Popular Period Dish Kow Poo .............................. Savory Beef Pancakes Ho Mo ................................ Sausage Surprise Or Gee ............................... Pick of the Week Vegetables ---------- Wan Kin .............................. Bamboo Shoots Pee Sof .............................. Chinese Leaves Wot Kung Fu Dat....................... Tossed Salad Sik In Lu ............................ Sweet and Sour in Hot Sauce Pu Bik ............................... Young Sprouts Du Reks .............................. Entre Cont Hoo Pong In Karsee ................... Yellow River with Meat Droppings Hoo Kum On Mat ....................... Thick White Cream on Rye bread Sauces ------ Pee Son .............................. Cantonese Drippings Sei Men .............................. Flavoured White Sauce Yu Kum ... ........................... Hand made thiek White Sauce Fan Tom Ar Sol ....................... Invisible Brown Sauce without nuts Desserts -------- Vce Dee .............................. Spotted Dick Kum In ............................... Cream Squirt Yu Pong .............................. Crap Suzette Kum Mor .............................. Extra Cream Ars Pik .............................. Chocolate Fingers Hoo Shi Tin Fan ...................... Chocolate Spread Or Jee ............................... Chinese stuffing on Bed of Mandarin Es Ki Mo Kum ......................... Frosted Banana Cream Tu Tun On Goolics .................... Crushed Nuts Wun Hung Lo .......................... Mixed Nuts Di Rea ............................... Chinese Alters in Aromatic Brown Sauce Hu Pong .............................. Chinese Smellers Yu Kin ............................... Scented Tea Wak Kon .............................. Cream in Scented Tea ABSTAINER: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. ABSURDITY: a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. ACCIDENT: a condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. ADMIRATION: our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. ADULT: one old enough to know better. AFTERNOON: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. ALLIANCE: in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. AMBIDEXTROUS: able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. AMBITION: a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. ANTONYM: the opposite of the word you're trying to think of. ANXIETY: the first time you can't do it a second time. PANIC: the second time you can't do it the first time. ARITHMETIC: ability to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE: Installation leaflet found inside computer packaging. AUTOMOBILE: a four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. AVAILABLE: we reckon we can finish the software before they can deliver your hardware. BACHELOR: a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. BANKER: a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. BAROMETER: an ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. BASIC: the only high-level language which can be mastered in less time than any program written in it will take to execute. BENCHMARK: a precise method of measuring the ability of a computer to do something which nobody in their right mind would ever want to do. BIRTH: the first and direst of all disasters. BOY: a noise with dirt on it. BRAIN: the apparatus with which we think that we think. BROAD-MINDEDNESS: the result of flattening high-mindedness out. BUDGET: a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. CPU: a random number generator. CABBAGE: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. CAUTION: breathing may be hazardous to your health. CHRISTIAN: a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. CHRISTIAN: one who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. CHRISTIAN: Are who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour. CIGARETTE: a fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. CITY: a large community where people are lonesome together. COCAINE: nature's way of telling you that you have too much money. COLLABORATION: a literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell. COMPATIBLE: a theoretical concept. CONSCIENCE: inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. CONSERVATIVE: one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. CONSERVATIVE: a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. CONSERVATIVE: a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. CONVERSATION: a vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. CORONATION: the ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown sky high with a bomb. COWARD: one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. CYNIC: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. CYNIC: one who looks through rose-coloured glasses with a jaundiced eye. DATA SOURCE: makes fiche and chips taste better. DATA TRANSMISSION: a method of corrupting someone else's data from a safe distance. DATA: a vital collection of variables which, when held in memory, leave no room for the program. DEATH: life's way of telling you you've been fired. DEATH: nature's way of telling you to slow down. DEATH: to stop sinning suddenly. DEBUG: de ting killed wid de pressure spray. DELAYED: being rewritten. DELIBERATION: the act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. DIPLOMAT: someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. ELECTROCUTION: burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. EXPERIENCE: marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. EMULATE: a tardy bird. ENZYMES: things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. ERASE: all attempt to read vital data of which you have no back-up. EXTENSIVE CHOICE: you can order either last year's, this year's or next year's. FACT : This is the way they have done it in the past. Not to be confused with 'this is what is stated in the manual.' FAIRY TALE: An Horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. FAITH: the quality that enables you to eat blackberryjam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. FASHION: a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. FORNICATION: term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. FORTRAN: a traditional high-level language designed to enable scientists to corrupt the system without hawing to call outside help. GARTER: an elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. GREAT LOVER: a man who can breathe through his ears. HACKER: one who builds furniture with an axe. HAGGIS: a kind of stuffed black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for Human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are fixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... HAPPINESS: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. HARDWARE FAULT: see 'Software Fault'. HEXADECIMAL: a simple but powerful method of concealing your activities. HONOURABLE: afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honourable; as, "the honourable gentleman is a scurvy cur." IF: a general class of wish-fulfilment statements. IBM: It's Better Manually. IDIOT: a member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. INCEST: sibling revelry. INGRATE: a man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. INTERPRETER: one who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. JUSTICE: a decision in your favour. KIN: an affliction of the blood. LIBERAL: a person who has both feet planted firmly in the air. LIE: a very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. LUNATIC ASYLUM: the place where optimism most flourishes. MAGPIE: a bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. MAJORITY: that quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. MAN: an animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth. MANUALS: a form of information available locally, but always out of date. MARKOV CHAIN: used to tie up Pavlov's dog. MENU: a list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. MICROFICHE: plankton. MISFORTUNE: the kind of fortune that never misses. MISSIONARY POSITION: the missionary on top. MISTAKE: an occurrence caused by someone other than you or me, or alternatively, by you. The effects create problems large and small for both of us, or alternatively, a small problem for one of us and a large problem for you. Remedial action has to be taken by someone other than us two, or alternatively, certainly not by me. MORMON: a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police. MONOSTABLE: one horse accommodation. NONCOMBATANT: a dead Quaker. OCCIDENT: the part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce". These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. OCEAN: a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. OPERATING SYSTEM: a master program which, alone, can destroy all lesser programs. PARITY: a state of equivalence in which neither you nor the computer know the answer and so you toss for it. PEACE: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. PROFESSOR: one who talks in someone else's sleep. PURITAN: someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun. RANDEL: a nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for farting at a friend. REACTIONARY:a man whose political opinions always manage to keep up with yesterday. REAL PATRIOT: the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. SOFTWARE FAULT: see 'Hardware Fault'. SUBPOENA: from the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." SYNTAX: royalties paid by brothel madam. VDU: a diseased sheep. REMOTE VDU: a diseased sheep in Western NSW. VERIFICATION: a method of program checking which is known not to reveal any errors. VIDI, VICI, VENI: I saw, I conquered, I came. VIRGIN: an ugly third grader. WINTER: the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. YEAR: a period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. Limericks ========= A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. A big Catholic laymen named Fox Makes his living by sucking off cocks. In spells of depression He goes to confession And jacks off the priest in his box! A cheerful young golfer named Kroch Gave his tee shot a hundred-yard sock. It doesn't sound far For the man who shoots par, But 'twas done with the end of his cock! A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.. A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's OK, but the mole's ill. A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd "just take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so And now all her sisters are aunts. A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. They make love the whole day In the usual way And save up the nights for perversions. A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." A widow who fancied a man some Was diddled three times in a handsome. When she clamoured for more Her young man became sore And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." A worried young man from Stamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" A young lad with passions gingery Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. He pinched her behind, And made up his mind To add incest to insult and injury! An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric, Display for selection Three kinds of erection -- Corinthian, ionic, and doric. Did you here about young Henry Lockett? He was blown down the street by a rocket. The force of the blast Blew his balls up his arse, And his pecker was found in his pocket! Freddy had a chicken. Donna had a duck. They put them on a table. To see if they would fall off. He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbour instead. Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?" I once met a lassie named Ruth In a long distance telephone booth. Now I know the perfection Of an ideal connection Even if somewhat uncouth. In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. Mary had a little lamb, She kept it in a bucket. Whenever Mary's lamb got out The big dog used to chase it round the yard. My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more; I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet, And my God, it's a quarter to four! Nymphomaniacal Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus; They found her vagina In North Carolina And half of her arsehole in Dallas! Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, To get her poor dog a bone, When Mother Hubbard bent over, Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own. Once a young gay from Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom. Posterity will never survey A nobler grave than this; Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; Stop, traveller, and piss. -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favourite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State Made her period late, And now she has athlete's fetus Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with." There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste They used Library Paste, Instead of Petroleum Jelly. There once was a fiesty young terrier Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. He'd yip and he'd yap, Then leap up and snap; And the fairer the derriere the merrier. There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, Said "This won't be much of a sin." There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen So he built him some chicks Of silicon chips And hasn't been heard from since then. There once was a lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. One was ever so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screwy Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. There once was a Rabbi name Keith, Who circumcised boys with his teeth, It wasn't for leisure, Nor sexual pleasure, But to get at thc cheese underneath. There once was a Scot named McAmeter With a tool of prodigious diameter. It was not the size That cause such surprise; 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. There once was a young man named Gene Who invented a screwing machine Concave and converse It served either sex And it played with itself in between. There was a bluestocking in Florence Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, Till a Spanish grandee, Got her off with his knee, And she burned all her works with abhorrence. There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, She always spelled cunt with a "k". There was a girl from Assizes Had breast of two different sizes One was so small - it was nothing at all But the other was huge! and won prizes. There was a young fellow named Bliss Whose sex life was strangely amiss, For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Would never do better than t h i s There was a young fellow named Hill Who took a uranium pill; His entrails corroded, His belly exploded, And his balls where found in Brazil! There was a young fellow named Sweeny Whose girl was a terrible meanie. The hatch on her snatch Had a catch that would latch- She could only be screwed by Houdini! There was a young girl from France Who jumped on a bus in a trance. Six passengers fucked her, Besides the conductor, And the driver shot twice in his pants! There was a young girl from Hong Kong Whose cervical cap was a gong. She said with a yell, As a shot rang her bell, "I'll give you a ding for a dong!" There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. There was a young girl of Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling There was never a sound For miles around Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. There was a young lad name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's for fuckin', not jerkin'. There was a young lady from Maine Who claimed she had men on her brain. But you knew from the view, As her abdomen grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. There was a young lady in Reno Who lost all her dough playing keeno. But she lay on her back And opened her crack- And now she owns the casino! There was a young lady named Clair Who possessed a magnificent pair; At least so I thought Till I saw one get caught On a thorn, and begin losing air. There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section, and all. There was a young lady named Twiss Who said she thought fucking a bliss, For it tickled her bum And caused her to come .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofinoc elihW There was a young lady of Ealing, Endowed with such delicate feeling, When she read on the door: "Don't piss on the floor"- She lay down and pissed on the ceiling! There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her toes in a doorway. She said to her beau "Just look at me Joe I think I've discovered one more way." There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on thc stair, But the bannister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. There was a young man from Kent Who was extremely bent He tried and he tried And he bloody near died But instead of cuming He went! There was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, And she threw the switch, As Crockett went off like a rocket. There was a young man named Dave, Who found a dead whore in a cave, It took up some pluck To have a cold fuck, But just think of the money he saved! There was a young man of Cape Horn Who wished he had never been born, And he wouldn't have been If his father had seen That the end of the rubber was torn. There was a young man of St. John's Who wanted to bugger the swans. But the loyal hall porter Said, "Pray take my daughter! Those birds are reserved for the dons." There was a young whore from kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They can pay to get out again too!" There was an old man of the port Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates, When he fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. There was an old woman Who lived in a shoe She had so many children Her uterus fell out. There was an old woman Who lived in a shoe She had so many children She didn't know what to do OBVIOUSLY. We have a friend called Mary-beth, We like her best when she's undressed, We fuck her standing, We fuck her lying, And if she had wings, we'd fuck her lying, Now she's gone, But not forgotten; We dig her up and fuck her rotten! While I, with my usual enthusiasm, Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiest, She explained, "They are flat, Hut think nothing of that -- You wi11 find that my sweet sister Susiasm." Mary had a little sheep, with this sheep she went to sleep, then she found it was a ram, Mary had a little lamb. Once upon a time there-was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it disappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away. One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?" One day some scientists heard about a remote Island where there were Porpoises that lived forever! ! So off they went to check: it out. Upon arriving at the Island they discovered that there was also a huge colony of Mina Birds present. And, after further research, they found that the mina birds were the porpoise's main diet! Reasoning that somehow this was the reason for the porpoises immortality, they decided to capture some of the mina birds for further study. Enter the dilemma!--a huge and ferocous lion! Whenever the scientists came close to capturing a mina bird, the lion would appear and ruin everything! So the scientists made a plan! They dug a deep pit, put some meat laced with a powerful sedative into if, covered the pit's opening with leaves and grass; and waited. Soon the lion came round, smelled the meat, fell into the pirate the meat, and fell fast asleep! ! The scientists grabbed as many mina birds as they could carry, raced across the pit, and were promptly arrested! Why? Transporting minas across sedated lions for immortal porpoises!!! Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? A man was walking down the street dragging his left foot behind him. Coming in the opposite direction he saw a man walking toward him who also was dragging one of his feet behind him as he walked. AS the two men met, the first one say, Vietnam 1969. The second one said, Dog shit... a half block behind me. A Pollack was in the tailor shop looking at his new suit in a three-way mirror. The tailor said.. "Well, what do you think of it?" "Great, the Pollack said, I'll take all three of them. " I had a job lined up as a chimney sweep, but it fell through. I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the right type for the job. Then the offer I had to work for RJ Reynolds went up in smoke. I was a trapeze artist for a while, but then I was let go. I applied for a job as a telemarketer but didn't get the call. She wanted to work as a hooker, but she didn't have it in her. Bo, you don't get Diddley! There was a professor in the Chemistry Dept. that I did graduate work in who was noted for the difficulty of the tests he gave. His first name was Percy. On the morning of a test he walked into the lecture hall to find the class very quiet and very diligently studying their notes for that last fact for the test. It wasn't until he had walked up the aisle to pass out the tests and turned around that he saw the message emblazoned on the blackboard in big chalk letters : MERCY PERCY ! To which he replied : Alas Class ! The leper leaves and the hooker is standing in the open door way and a door across the hall opens and a John walks out and another hooker looks at the first hooker and says Hi, how's going?" the first hooker replies: "Business is falling off " A good friend of mine, living in northern Michigan, decided to go ice fishing. He gathered up all of his tackle and moved out on the ice. He started to auger a hole in the ice when he heard a voice boom out from above: 'There are no fish here!' He thought for a few moments, gathered up his stuff, then moved a little farther down the ice. He started to auger a new hole in the ice when he heard the voice boom out from above: 'There are no fish here! !' So, he gathered up his stuff again, moved a little farther down the ice, then started to laughter another hole in the ice. Again he heard the voice boom out from above: 'I said, there are no fish here! ! !' He sheepishly asked: 'Is that you god?' To which the booming voice replied: 'No, I'm the rink manager' No matter where you go, ... there you are My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim left a deposit squarely in the middle of my wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted: 'Quick, get some toilet paper' 'It wouldn't do any good', I quipped, 'He's miles away by now.' A Christmas Story The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son. The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he came running outside and shouted: 'I have seen him, the son of our lord!' The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: 'I have seen the babe, our saviour is born!' The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on a rafter and shouted 'Jesus Christ'. Mary looked up and said, 'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Claude.' Did you hear about the new food store in Jerusalem? It's called: Cheeses of Nazareth Try Milk of Amnesia - when you need to forget Seen on another Church Marquis: Sunday's sermon will be: Do you know what hell is? Come in and hear our organist. what does a chinaman call a black with AIDS? Coonsoondi. Phone rings as bar. "Hello?" "Is Mr. Freely there? First initials I.P.?" "Is there an I.P. Freely here? I.P. FREELY!?" I bought my GF a new seat for her bike, one of those wide versions that fits a lady's pelvis a bit better than the OEM man's style. I put it on for her while she was in class, just before we were to go riding with a friend of ours. She came out to get her bike, and didn't at first realise the seat had been changed, but then the odour of new leather came to her, and she realized what I had done. We rode to Barry's house, picked him up and started riding down the valley route. She was a bit proud of the seat, so she told Barry I had gotten it, and that she hadn't caught on till she smelled the difference. And Barry quipped: "You mean you smell bicycle seats??" King Arthur was about to go fight in the crusades. He felt sceptical about leaving his wife (a beautiful young woman) with his 100 servants. He decides to put a chastity belt on his wife so that if a man tried to screw her, he'd get his dick chopped off When he came back from the crusades he had all of his servants line up in a row and drop their pants. All of them had their dicks chopped off except one man. "Son," King Arthur said, "Thank you for living up to the trust I have put on thee. I will grant you anything you want!" The servant replied in a very indistinguishable tone, "I wrruqbrg gwergnewrgh"! There's a sign in front of a church near my home. /---------------\ I Come I I to I I Ch ch I I I IWhat's missing?I \---------------/ || || || || ========================== "Don't you go where those huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow. " (Frank Zappa, philosopher) Of things I've lost, I miss my mind the most There was this 12 year old girl that got stuck with a pin but she didn't feel the prick until she was 18. They say "Love thy neighbour as thy self'. What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too. BANANAS "The Woman's Home Companion" the guy out hunting ducks. He shot one and it fell in a farmer's yard. When he went in to get it, the farmer came out and they got into an argument about who owned the duck. Farmer said it was his as it was on his property. The hunter said his as he'd shot it. After a few minutes, the farmer said, "We'll settle this country style, We kick each other in the crotch in turn and the last guy standing gets the duck. " The hunter wasn't too keen on this, but agreed. Farmer said he got the first kick as it was his property. He laid in a good one and the hunter spent the next ten minutes rolling around on the ground in agony. Finally, he recovered enough to take his turn. "Ready?" he asked. The farmer said, "Ah, hell take the damned duck!" Did you hear about the black boy that jumped into the freezer? -He had diarrhoea and he thought he was melting. What's smurf sex? -Screwing until you're blue in the face. Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke? -Forget it, it's too crummy Do ya guys wanna hear a fast joke? (Yes) -Do ya wanna hear another one? 1) When Jim Morrison sings, I get Door-gasms. 2) I love abusing the down-trodden. It gives me poor-gasms. 3) Thinking about Burt Reynold's ex-lovers gives me Dinah Shore-gasms. 4) Listening to Satanic Heavy Metal gives me Tipper Gore-gasms. 5) Star Trek, The Next Generation gives me Geordi LaForge-gasms. (ehhh) 6) Bob Hope Bing Crosby movies give me Road to Bora-Bora-gasms. 7) Japanese war movies give me Tora Tora Tora-gasms. (ehhh) 8) Jacques Cousteau documentaries give me explore-gasms. 9) Anything with Kim Basinger gives me adore-gasms. 10) Professional golf on TV gives me fore-gasms. Or bore-gasms, grin. Why are you SHOUTING at us in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS? Computer Reference Manual, MAD Magazine... what's the difference? Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw What's the difference between Mono and Herpes? -- Well, you can get Mono by snatching a kiss... What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What is the output of a vacuum pump? What kind of dog has four legs and one arm? -- A Pit Bull! What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie? -- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help! What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie? -- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help! What's the difference between Erotic and Kinky? -- With Erotic, you use a feather... for Kinky, you use the entire chicken! Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. Finally Finn went to the chemistry department at his college, to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Trom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a cross of that, and, most critically, one part of sodium. "You mean?.. " Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom. "They needed mono-sodium glue to mate. " While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story? Better Nate than lever! King John and King Paul had been at war for years, and King Paul was getting tired of it. He decided to make peace between himself and King John. So he sent his eldest son, his most trusted Prince, to see King John and arrange the peace. Well, the Prince travelled for days and finally arrived at King John's castle. It was a huge stone fortress, surrounded by a deep moat which was filled with tiny Piranha-like fish called Yellow Fingers. These Yellow Fingers could strip a cow to the bones in minutes! So the Prince yelled up to the guards, "Lower your drawbridge! I come from King Paul to arrange the peace. " They did lower the drawbridge, but batiste just as the prince put one foot on it, they yanked the drawbridge back up again, causing the prince to flip into the moat, where he was eaten by the Yellow Fingers. When King Paul heard this he was very upset, but he was still determined to make the peace. So he sent his most trusted Barons as his emissaries. One by one they were tricked into falling in the moat. King Paul sent his Dukes. They too were eaten by the fish. Finally no one was left n the castle but a little page boy. "Page," said King Paul wearily, you are my last hope. You must make the peace between King John and me. lad, and good luck. " The page went to the drawbridge "I come from King Paul to arrange the peace!" As they had done many times before, King John's men lowered the bridge, then yanked it back up just as the victim put a foot on it. But a strange thing happened. The page, instead being eaten, walked right along the bottom of the moat, climbed onto drawbridge, and entered the castle. King John was so impressed by this that he made peace! What is the moral? Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers. It takes years to become an overnight success Old Chief Gnarled Oak, turned into a millionaire by the discovery of oil on his reservation, was proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted into a swank yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming ambition was to see his red sons in the sail set. Hear about the father of the leper? He gave away his daughter's hand in marriage. The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn's aunts. Jack and Jill went up the hill, They each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down and she had $2.50. the story about the two Polacks who went hunting together, They bagged a moose and, being big strapping fellows, tucked a hind leg each under an arm and began dragging the moose back to their vehicle. Another hunter came along and suggested that dragging the moose by the hind legs created a lot of extra friction with the hair digging into the ground. He suggested they'd be better off dragging it by the front legs and the hair would then slip over the ground more easily. They took his advice and a few minutes later, one said to the other, "Dat guy know what he was talkin' about, Dis is a lot easier. " The other agreed and said, "Only thing worse me is, we're getting a hell of a long way from the truck!" When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out to L.A., to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store. She hung a sign out her window upon opening, which said: "SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC. EXPERT: HALITOSIS" Dig a very large hole and layer the bottom with about a foot of ash. Then put a line of peas around the top of the hole. When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole. This space intentionally not left blank. Or.... the Travelling Salesman was weekending in a small town whose single industry was the manufacture of coin operated machines. It was very quiet on Saturday night so he asked the desk clerk if there was anything- going on in town. "No," replied the clerk, "but the factory has a demo room that's open all the time. They have some new machines there and you can try them out. " The T/S went to the factory and found a number of interesting machines in operation. One large one had a small hole in the front of it and was labelled, "YOUR WIFE AWAY FROM HOME". He thought this an excellent idea, so opened his fly, stuck his member into the hole and inserted a dollar bill. There was immediate and noisy operating inside the machine and when he withdrew his member, there was a button sewn on the end of it! Greetings. Must tell you about my uncle Bill who went to Hollywood to get a job in the movies. Bill finally got his big break and was chosen to play a part in a western. When casting interviewed him they asked "which part do you think you are best suited for?" Of course uncle Bill replied "Just give me a small bit and a steer to star by!" There was this guy who picked up this chick at a dance. After they danced, the guy said "I'd take you to my house, but my parents are home. " The woman replied "I'd let you go to my house, except my BOYFRIEND is there!" The dude suggested that they go to his van instead. The chick agreed and they went to the van; they both took off their clothes, and at the point where the man was about to enter her, the woman exclaimed "What, no foreplay?! How about going outside and look for a stick, and you could beat me with it!" So the man went outside, but couldn't find any sticks. So instead he busted the aerial off his van, and the guy and girl beat each other on the back and they had a gay old time. The next morning, however, the man was feeling awful sore on the back. He went to his doctor, who exclaimed: "This is the worst case of Van-Aerial disease I've ever seen!" There was once a little land, where there lived a little peaceful race of people called the Trids. Everything was OK until a huge giant settled in their land. And if that weren't bad enough, whenever the giant came upon a Trid, he would kick him as hard as he could! Well, the Trids finally had enough! Being very religious, they went to see their local Rabbi. Rabbi, they exclaimed!, the giant keeps kicking us, please help! So the Rabbi went over to the giant's cave and hollered "come out here; and explain why you keep kicking the poor little Trids!" The giant stuck his massive head out of the cave entrance and said: Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids! ! ! ! ! ! ! -------------------WARNING!---------------------------- A Canadian joke is approaching. This can be enjoyed by non-Canadians as well, as long as they observe the following precautions. 1. Keep in mind that Canadians have a Prime Minister (kind of like a President but without the restraining powers of Congress, the Supreme Court or Democracy, and much, much stupider). 2. The current (2 more years max!) Prime Minister is Brian Mulroney. 3. Mulroney just had a little cabinet shuffle. After the recent shuffle, Brian decided to take his cabinet for lunch. The waiter took his order. Waiter: What would you like for lunch, sir? PM: I'll have the haddock. Waiter: And for the vegetables, sir? PM: Uhhhhhh. They'll have the same. Support mental health......... Or I'll kill you. Scene - a schoolroom in Italy....... Teacher: Class, can anyone tell me where the Great Lakes are? Luigi? Luigi: Upper U.S. ! Teacher: Oh Luigi, I'm taking you to the principal's office. P.S. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Viaducts. Viaducts who? Viaducts valking on vebbed feet vhen zay could be svimming? Lower the age of puberty! Leonard had heard so much about ice fishing that he decided to give it a try. He got all his ice fishing gear together, went out onto the ice and started to drill a hole. Suddenly, a deep, resonant voice from above him said, "There are no fish there". Leonard shrugged, picked up his equipment, moved another 50 feet out onto the ice and began to drill. Again, a big voice boomed, "There are no fish there". Leonard looked up and asked, "Are you God?" "No asshole, I'm the arena manager, now get out!" Dyslexics of the World..... UNTIE! ..Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes solved through the use of brilliant deduction.... Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you last attend?" "Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary. " Did you hear about the guy who discovered his new wife thought the smoke detector in the apartment was the oven timer. Or how about the woman who went to the bank and got a home improvement loan, took it home, gave it to her husband and told him to get lost. A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary -unusual. The pet shop owner replied, well, I have one Rairy-bird left... The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it! So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry! ! Finally, the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back , and drove to the edge of a high cliff He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff ! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck: It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy! ! My old friend Roy Rodgers once got himself a brand new pair of cowboy boots. They were beautiful!! Out on the plains camping once, a huge mountain lion crept into Roy's camp and chewed up Roy's new cowboy boots! Roy was furious, and decided to never rest until he had revenged himself upon the horney mountain lion! Finally he had the critter in the sights of his Rifle! Bang!!-one dead mountain lion! Heading back into town with the dead animal slung across his horse, a friend approached him and sang: Pardon me Roy, But is that the cat That chewed your new shoes? Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would carefully carve them into regular, even slices. Every night, the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb as he divided up the loaves. As the years went by, the kids would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases. Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife. Pa could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread. Finally, one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves. They got Pa such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened the package. Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed, "I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!" Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor daughter a dress; When she got there the cupboard was bare and so was her daughter, I guess. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone; When she bent over rover came over and gave her a bone of his own. Mary had a little lamb; The Dr.'s were surprised; But when Old McDonald had a farm, they almost passed out. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; She had so many children her uterus fell out. Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa. They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend. After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on a tour of Moscow. When they approached Red Square, the African saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and asked "What's going on down there?". The Russian said "That's our national game of Russian Roulette". The African asked "How is it played?" The Russian said "Well, let's go watch them... " They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six- shooter from his neighbour, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle to his head, and pulled the trigger. The African said "What's the game about?" The Russian explained "One of the chambers is loaded. If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead. " The African says "Interesting.... Simple, yet elegant. I like it... " As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village. Remember that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette? We have invented our own version, called African Roulette... " The Russian asked "How is it different?" The African says "Well, let's go watch and I'll show you. " They go to the center of the village and find the following scene: In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking around a circle. Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women. An old man to the side is beating on a drum. The Russian says "OK, what's going to happen now?" The African replies "See the man with the drum? When he quits beating it, each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of him... " The Russian says "Where's the fun of that?!?" The African replies slyly "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!" Save the Whales -- Collect the whole set! If swimming is good for your figure, Why do whales look the way they do? An unemployed stripper begged her agent to find her work. He cautioned her that the only job available was at a longshoremen's convention-- typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she took the job anyway. That evening, the agent walked into the hall just as the stripper began her act. Before long, the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed beer cans and cigarette butts while shouting obscenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to manhandle her. Halfway through her performance, she ran off stage, sobbing. "Look, they don't mean anything by it," the agent said consolingly. "They've just had too much to drink and----" "No, no it's not them!" she exclaimed. "Did you hear that f***ing band?" Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men looked around in amazement. "What do you suppose is going on?" one asked. "Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is that the Cubs went to the series. " Two doctors were putting on the ninth green when one collapsed from a heart attack. "Help me," he groaned to his companion. "Sorry, my malpractice insurance won't cover it," his partner replied, walking off the green, "but I'll get help. " A few minutes later, he returned, picked up his club and began lining up hit putt. The man on the ground raised his head and screamed in Disbelief, "I'm dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help. " "The second hole? When the hell is he coming?" "Hey, I told you not to worry," he said, stroking his put. "They're going to let him play through. " Why did the Siamese twins got to England? So the other one could drive for a while. What did Dan Quayle say when Mrs. Quayle blew softly in his ear? "Thanks for the refill. " After a brief absence, a nurse returned to her station and was quickly pulled aside by one of her colleagues. "Shirley, your breast is out of your uniform!" "Oh, shit," the rumpled nurse replied, glancing down. "Don't those damn doctors ever put anything away?" After a late night out with the boys, the man undressed and slipped into bed with his wife. "Are you awake honey?" he whispered. When he got no response, he kissed her on the lips. "Hon., you awake?" Still no response. He kissed her on both breasts. "Hon, wake up. " He kissed her on the belly. She didn't move. Then he kissed her on the knee. "You son of a bitch!" she shrieked, bolting upright. "If my pussy had been a bar, you wouldn't have missed it! Heard about Zsa Zsa's new fragrance? It's called Conviction and you just slap it on. Rumours in the fast-food industry have it that McDonald's is preparing to test-market a new burger made from bulls' lips. It'll be called the McJagger. One day in Russia, rudy, a Communist Party member, was discussing the upcoming stormy weather with his wife, Helga. Rudy said it looked like a huge rainstorm was coming, but Helga said it was surely snow! Rain, said Rudy insistently! Snow, said Helga, stubbornly! This went on for quite some time, until the exasperated husband finally said: Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear! ! ! ! ! ! ! Why are they raising the drinking age to 23 in Newfoundland ? To cut the drinking out of the elementary schools. Uncle Bill was finding the money in the movie business rather poor. Unless you were a big star minimum wage was the best you could expect. As Bill was having trouble making ends meet he decided to take on a second job. After some searching he got a job out in the San Joaquin valley guarding fields of cantaloupes and casabas. Bill was issued an old double barrel shotgun and shells loaded with rock salt. His job was to protect the fruit from thieves who would sneak in during the dark of night. The first few nights were very difficult. Uncle Bill had a terrible time staying awake all night, then going to his daytime acting job. At last Bill came up with a solution. He would get a dog to help him guard the fields. After much looking Bill found a suitable animal. It was one of the long haired breed known for its great intelligence. In memory of one of the dogs more famous relatives Bill named his new pet Lassie. Guard duties became much easier. Lassie would stand watch while her master caught a few winks. Unfortunately one dark evening a stray dog came into the cantalope field. While Bill was sleeping Lassie took time out for a romantic interlude. In a due span of time Lassie gave birth to a single cute little puppy. Bill was delighted, he now had two dogs to help with guard duties. He became very attached to the little pup, and often referred to it as his "melon collie baby". Husband and wife were enjoying some horizontal recreation. Husband stopped and asked wife. "Did I hurt you?" She replied. "No, why?" He responded, "You moved!" Wife tells husband that if he doesn't smarten up she'll cut him off. He asked, "How you gonna do that? You don't even know where I'm getting it!" Guy asks friend if friend talks to his wife during sex. Other guy responds, "Sure, if she happens to call!" Guy asks friend, "Does your organ burn after you've had sex?" Friend responds, "Don't know, never enjoyed sex enough to try and light it!" What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? The woman in church has hope in her soul... All swell that ends swollen... Little Miss Muffet Crouched on a tuffet, Connecting her shell-shocked wits. There dropped (from a glider) An H-Bomb beside her- Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits. What's the definition of gross? Diving into a bowl of snot and eating your way out! What's the definition of pain?? Jumping off the CN tower and getting your nose caught on a nail! What's another definition of pain?? Sliding down the CN tower with razor blades strapped to your butt and then landing in a bowl of iodine! What is red and scratches on glass?? A baby in a microwave! What is green and doesn't scratch on glass??? The same baby two weeks later! How do you get across a room without touching any babies?? Use a snowblower! ! ! What is black and squirms? A half alive baby in a body sack. What is black, smells and doesn't squirm?? The same baby three weeks later!! It was the 8th annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. Turning to another male mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that mouse, aren't they sexy?' "Just fair," was the answer. "You crazy," said the first mouse and then turned to another, asked his opinion. "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited about. "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now you," he said to the fourth mouse, what do you think of them? "To tell the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs, I'm a titmouse myself. " A young couple got married and after all the festivities the new groom made one request of his new wife. He told her he wanted to designate a drawer in his bureau to be his PRIVATE DOMAIN. She was to respect his privacy and never venture into this sacred place of his. Well she was agreeable to this and went on to live a long and happy life together. After about 45 years of this marital bliss the husband became seriously ill, hospitalized, and not expected to survive long. The wife sitting at home, waiting to go for a visit, decided this may be her last opportunity to unlock the secret of his private door so he opened it up. Inside she found 3 golf balls and 5000 dollars in cash. Later at the hospital she confessed to her dying husband of her curiosity and asked him to explain the contents. Well, he said, whenever I cheated on you I put a golfball in the drawer. She thought about that fora minute and figured considering they had 45 happy years, she could forgive 3 indiscretions. She then asked of the 5000 dollars. Oh that, he said, every time I got a dozen balls I sold them. I maybe a Poet and I don't Know it. But my Dick... It's a Longfellow! A man stood on the Brooklyn Bridge, his feet hung in the water. - Longfellow Two guys stop on a bridge to relieve themselves. As they are standing there, the first guy said "Hey, this water is cold. " The other guy replied, "Yeah, and deep too. " Two neighbours were discussing gardening one afternoon. The lady from next door remarked, "My but you have such a nice blush on your tomatoes, how do you do it?" The gentleman farmer replied, "Oh, its easy. Every morning before I get dressed, I walk out to my garden in my bathrobe and wash them. You should give that a try. " A few weeks later the two neighbours were again talking about gardening, when the man asked, "By the way, how are your tomatoes doing? Do they have a nice blush yet?" "No," answered the woman, "they are the same as before. But now my cucumbers are a foot long!" If you had a faggot on your back, would you let him stay on, or would you beat him off? There were two young brothers, Ted age 10 and Roy age 8. For days they had been contemplating where they were going to be sent for their annual summer camp. Well Ted says "My instinct tells me we are going to be sent back to camp Tomahawk again this year. " Roy looks at him with a weird glint in his eye and says "Well my end stinks too but it don't tell me nuttin. " Did you pass your prune pit today? Or the gal who wanted a unique pet for a gift for her husband, and bought the Crunch-Bird that the pet store clerk recommended. Why? Well, the clerk had demonstrated.... "Crunch-Bird - CHAIR!" Whereupon the Crunch Bird reduced the chair to sawdust with his powerful beak. Then, "Crunch Bird, Table!" Another pile of dust, so she bought it on the spot. Well, the guy had had a terrible day at work and was in a lousy mood. His wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, look what I bought for you today! A Crunch Bird. " To which the grump replied, "Crunch Bird, my ass! Gimme a beer!" A woman in Boston hails a taxi and hops in. Woman: Oh driver, take me to where I can get screwed. Driver: OK lady, but shouldn't you be using the past perfect? Beware of geeks baring GIFs. Why doesn't the Post Office lose THEIR mail? THE ANSWER IS: Beef, Iron and Wine The question is "What do housewives do at home all day?" Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, he stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was told : I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.' Then I can have a portrait painted, and call it "Schine on Harvest Moon. " If Fairbanks Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs, what would it be called? Dogless Fairbanks! Overheard in court one day: Judge - What's your name? Prisoner - Sparks Judge - What's the charge? Prisoner - Assault and battery Judge - Well, lock him in a dry cell! I went fishing one day just for the halibut, but all I caught was a haddock, so I went home and took a bunch of aspirins, and then my herring got impaired. We were all in a car and it wouldn't start, so I told everyone to be quiet, and then it started right up! Why?? Cause it goes without saying... Sheep get their haircut at the baa baa shop! Don't press your luck! Avoid ironing your four-leaf clovers! What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman! All the best chess players were at a big tournament. They hung out for the first hour in the hallway, bragging to each other about all their recent victories. Suddenly, the hotel manager threw them all out of the hallway. When asked why, he replied: "I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!" I once knew a medical man who loved frozen daiquiris. He was at a bar one night drinking one when a piece of hickory-wood form the ceiling fell into the glass. So I said that it was a hickory daiquiri, doc! A dentist was obsessed by dental floss! His obsession was so great that he bought a roan horse to help him gather floss for his growing collection. Another dentist became even more compulsive and stole the horse!!, But the horse refused to help the second dentist! Moral??? A stolen roan gathers no floss! Be proud of me, and someday I may deserve it. Q: What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia? A: A Phillips Screwdriver! For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog. When he found out I was Jewish, he bit me! He was a wonderful watchdog. One evening while I was being held up, he watched. Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy. " I wanted to be different, so I called my dog "Sex. " I found out that "Sex" is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex out for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for the dog. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex. " My case comes up next Thursday. One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license and I told the clerk- "I would like to have a license for Sex. " He said, "I would like to have one, too. " Then I said, "but this is a dog," and he said that he didn't care how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old. " He said, "you must have been a very strong baby. " I told him that when my wife and I separated I went into court to fight for custody of the dog and I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married," and the Judge said, "Me, too. " Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me and he said, "Me, too. " When I told him that I once had Sex on TV he said, "Show off " I told him that it was a contest and he told me that I should have sold tickets. I also told the Judge about the time when the wife and I were on our honeymoon and we took the dog along. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the motel was for sex. Then I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night," and the clerk said, "Me, too." Entropy requires no maintenance! Do you smoke after sex? -- I don't know... I never looked! That isn't original and Clay didn't even get it right! Jack and Jill went up the hill They each had a quarter Jill came down with fifty cents Jack came down a little shorter Haven't you ever seen Rembrandt's famous painting: Mel and Cholic Baby. Lucy! I then you got some explaining to do. Child: Aw Mom. Whenever we visit Uncle A1 he always wants to go bowling. He never wants to go with me to the court and play a few sets. I think he hates it. Mother: Nonsense. Many's the time I've heard Alfred laud tennis, son. "Home, home and deranged.... " Jealous wife on the phone: You tell my cheating husband to get his ass across the street right now. Neighbour: He just did! Jack and Jill went up the hill To do some Hanky Panky. Jack went 'Uh!' and Jill went 'Ah!' And out came baby Frankie! She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still! "You will pay for eating that apple", God said adamantly! "I'm glad you got your headlight fixed", she beamed! ! "I've dropped my toothpaste", he said crestfallen. Knock knock Who's there? Don Juan Don Juan who? I Don Juan to set the world on fire! Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards! Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria! Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain! Denial: A river in Egypt! Buccaneer: The price of corn. Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater! What's black and white and red all over? Santa Claus coming down the chimney. "Who was that lady I seen you with last night?" "You meant saw. "' "Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?" "What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?" "A rash of good luck!" Knock knock Who's there? Little old lady Little old lady who? Gee, I didn't know you knew how to yodel. I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious. Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rodgers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that although Dick is a fine shipbuilder, he's not the rigger Mort is. Why did the theatre critic always praise the first show of the season? He didn't want to stone the first cast. If Carmen Miranda married Yves Montand... ...when she combed her hair, would she be Carmen Miranda Montand when she combs? What type of birth control would a Roman Catholic lumberjack who's wed to a mathematician use??? The log-a-rhythm-method. Why did King Author wear his Cloak to the Great Ball, rather than his Mantle? Cause kings go better with cloak! Why didn't the Maharishi want Novocaine when he had a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously endowed. Finally, to settle the matter once and for all, they went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to unzip their flies. "Pretty good, huh?" said Mort, whose organ was hanging all the way down to the fifty-seventh floor. "I got you beat cold," said Bill, whose member was dangling just below a window on the forty-ninth. They looked over at the third guy, who was dancing a curious sort of jig, jumping from one foot to the other and peering anxiously over the edge of the observation deck. "What the hell are you doing, Harry?" they asked. "Dodging traffic!" he replied. Unicorns aren't mythical -- virgins are! Q: What time of day was Adam born? A: A little before Eve. Q: When was radio first mentioned in the Bible? A: When God took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker. What a good thing Adam had... when he said something, he knew nobody had said it before. Eve: "Adam, do you love me?" Adam: "Who else?" The first Adam-splitting gave us Eve - a force which ingenious men of all ages have never gotten under control. Adam was created first - to give him a chance to say something. Power corrupts, but we need the electricity What's blue and squirms in the corner? -A baby with a plastic bag. Why is sex spelled S-E-X? -It's too hard to spell Uhhhh, Ahhhhhh, and Aieee. I say to the doctor, "It seems as I get older, my ears get bigger!". The doctor, he say to me, "This is not unusual. All extremities tend to get larger as we get older. ". I tell the doctor "Well, maybe this is good thing, this might do something for my weenie!". The doctor says "You know, the problem with them ears, is when they get big they get floppy. ". Do you know what a Polish 7 course meal is? A six-pack and a kielbasa! There was a newly married couple and the wife was just a bit unsure of herself around the house. One day a floorboard on the back porch broke and when her hubbie came home she asked if he could fix it. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE A CARPENTER", he bellowed, "call a carpenter to fix it. " A few days later she had an electrical problem and again waited for her husband to come home and again got this response, "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, an ELECTRICIAN? call an electrician to fix it. " Well a couple of weeks past and when the husband came home from work his wife told him that there had been a problem with the plumbing, but, she had called the plumber and everything had been taken care of. "Great!" he said, "that's the way to do things, how much did he charge?" "Well", she told him, "he wanted either 10 pies,0r sex. " "I hope you gave him the pies" he said. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE BETTY CROCKER" How do you unload a truck full of babies? With a pitchfork. The doctor told Henry that he had cancer and could expect to live only another 4 to 5 weeks. Henry told his buddies he was dying of AIDS. Doc called Henry in to ask him why he was saying it was AIDS instead of cancer. Henry replied, "I don't want anybody messing with my wife after I'm gone. " Do you know why Scotsman wear kilts?? Sheep can hear a Zipper a mile away. I used to live in Wyoming, in a small town called Frontier (well, actually a suburb of Frontier called Kemmerer. That is pronounced Kemer. No, ya gotta say it FASTER). Needless to say, there wasn't much to do besides drink in a local bar called the Frontier Bar (Or was it Lester's Liquor Locker?). One day, me and my mining buddies were tossing down a few cool ones, and a dog walks in, walks up to the bar and says, "Gimme a beer". Evidently this type of thing isn't too rare in Wyoming, because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here. " The dog then took out a dollar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer. " This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave. " The dog growled, and then the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot. The dog yelped, and ran out the door. The next day, I happened to be in the same establishment, and we were again drinking a few beers. Then, the swinging bar doors were tossed open, and in walks the dog we saw the day before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw. " Guy looking for his friend pops in a barber shop and asks: Hey! Bob Peters hero? Barber replies: No. Just heads. The Answer is: "Marcus Welby ... Pickled Herring... and Doris Day. " And the Question -- "Name a surgeon, a sturgeon, and a virgin!" A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time. After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel. And went to it's restaurant for diner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug. "Waitress" he said, " I ordered a small beer. " She said, " this is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer. " Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the pater. "Waitress, I ordered a petite stake" She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake. After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he ask the waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*, and walked into the hotel swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed, "DON'T FLUSH IT!" Happiness is a warm modem One day a proud father brought his 21 year old son into a neighbourhood bar for a birthday drink. This is not unusual except that this proud fathers son had no body, he was just a head. The father ordered to crown royals over and gave his son a sip. POP the son suddenly had a body! Amazed the father gave him another sip and POP he sprouted legs! The father overcome with joy gave him another sip and POP he sprouted arms! Complete and Amazed the son raised his glass and took the final sip in his glass and KABOOM he exploded all over the bar! The Point to All This long Winded Shit: Always Know and Quit When Your A-Head! Pollock goes into store and ask clerk for a link of Polish Sausage. The clerk ask him if he is polish and this makes him angry as hell so he ask the clerk if he would have asked him if he were Italian if he had ordered Italian sausage. The clerk simply replied that he would not have asked. The pollock then wanted to know why then did he ask if he were Polish. The clerk replied "Because this is a hardware store" "It's time someone put his foot down around here. And that foot... is me. " THE ANSWER IS: Ciss Boom Baaaaaaa The question is "what sound does an exploding sheep make?" She was married to a Jew but split up because she never knew if she was Carmen or Cohen. A couple were relaxing on their front lawn one day when a couple of sailors walked by. One sailor complemented them on their lovely peach tree. The husband replied, "thanks, but it's a plum tree, actually. " The sailor said, "Sorry, but you're mistaken, it is a peach tree. " The wife spoke up, "Look, he knows fruit, salts. " A draftee went for his physical wearing a truss and with papers that were stamped "M. E. " for "Medically Exempt". Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped "M. E" on his papers. "Does this mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked the doctor. "No, " replied the doctor. "M. E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can ride a camel. " The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian, a Russian officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman riding on a train. Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers heard a kiss, then a loud slap. The girl thought, "Isn't it odd the Russian tried to kiss the old lady and not me?" The old lady thought, "That is a good girl with fine morals. " The Russian officer thought, "That Czech officer is a smart fellow; he steals the kiss and I get slapped. " The Czech thought, "Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, slap a Russian officer, and get away with it!" Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit, "Did you notice anything special about the man?" "Yes, he seemed better dressed each time. " An Army base staff was planning war games did not want to use live ammunition. Instead they informed the men, "In place of a rifle, you go `Bang bang'. In place of a knife, you go ` Stab stab'. In place of a hand grenade, you go `Lob lob'. The game progressed until one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He went "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran forward and went, "Stab, stab, " but nothing happened. He ran back and went, "Lob, lob, " but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and siad, "You're not playing fair. I went `Bang, bang' and ` Stab, stab' and `Lob, lob' and you haven't fallen dead! The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble, I'm a tank!" This is the Fertilizer Club. It will not cost you a cent to join. Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of this list and shit in their garden. You will not be the only one there, so don't be embarrassed. Then, make five copies of this letter and send or give them to your friends who appreciate Organic Gardening. You will not receive any money or checks, but within one week, if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,916 people shitting in your garden. Your reward will come next summer when you have the most productive garden in your neighbourhood. 1.Mr. Will E. Krapp 5. Mr. Smelly B. Hind 1422 Enema Way 4766 Die Rea Way Stewsburg, Mass. Loosely, Va. 2. Mrs. Luce Bowls 6. Mrs. C. Howie Phartz 30 Bedpan Ave. 875 Rectum Road Poopie, Ill. Gas Pain, Col. 3.Mr. Hem E. Roids 7. Mr. Bigger Movements 12 Piles Drive 2745 Fertilizer Way Fartford, Wis. Pooptown, Ind. 4. Mr. A. S. Hole Dark Hollow Drive Colon, Wash. Guy says to his friend, "My wife says your head feels just like her ass. " Friend reaches up, feels his head and says, "You know, she's right!" Old lady says to her husband, "For heavens sake, zip up your fly, it's open. " Husband replies, "No problem, dead birds don't fall out of their nests. " Did you hear about the polish helicopter pilot? He was cold so he shut the fan off What goes VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH? A pollack trying to go through a blinking red light. How do you get 100 babies in a telephone booth? Blender. Does a bird's circumcision yield WING TIPS? Not tonight, Chekov, I have an earache. Rebel Without A Clue... ======================= There were these three unemployed guys, Leroy (a black), Chico (a Mexican), and Stosh (a Pole). They lived together on their welfare checks in a tiny apartment. One day, a letter came for them from the Welfare people telling them to report to the state employment office or they would lose their welfare payments. To make a long story short, Stosh was offered a job loading frozen shrimp at the docks. it was a good job, too. Being unionized, it paid $22/hour. When he got home, Stosh told Chico: "Wake me at 5:30 because I have to be at work at 6:30 and the foreman that hired me told me I must not be late!" That night, after Stosh fell asleep, Chico and Leroy were complaining about the obvious discrimination. "They only hired him because he's white" said Leroy. Then they hatched a clever plan to prove that Stosh was hired because of his race. They got black shoe polish and covered Stosh's face to make him appear black. The next morning, Chico woke Stosh at 6:00 and told him to rush because it was a 1/2 hour late. When Stosh got to the docks, the foreman asked him who he was. Stosh told him he was the new employee. "You can't be" said the foreman. "You're black and the man I hired was white. " "But I'm white" protested Stosh. The foreman said "If you don't believe you, go into the men's room and look in the mirror". Stosh did that and when he saw his face he exclaimed: "Goddamn Mexican woke up the wrong guy!" A manufacturer of electric light bulbs was talking to the owner of a theatre. "I'd like to supply you with bulbs for your marquee, " the manufacturer said, "and it wont cost you a cent. It will enable me to realize a lifelong ambition. " "If I accept the free bulb, " the curious theatre man asked, "will you tell me about this ambition of yours?" "Sure, " the man said. "It's just that I've always dreamed of seeing my lights up in names. " Do they have a 4th of July in England? Of course they do, Uncle Sam. How many birthdays docs the average man have? Only one. When he was born. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28? All the months (kid joke). A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come? Because the beggar is a woman. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada? Because he is still alive. But this is only a technicality. We Canadians would love to bury a Yankee dead or alive. How many outs are there in an inning? 6 Is it illegal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why? Heck almost anything is possible in California. Two men play 5 games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this. They did not play with each other. Divide 30 by half and add 10. What is the answer? 70 If you have one match and you walk into a room where there is an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first? The Match! How far can a dog run into the woods? Halfway. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last? 90 minutes A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 die. How many does he have left ? 9 How many animals of both sexes did Moses take into the Ark? As many as would fit. A clerk in a butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh? Meat. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 12 What was the president's name in 1950? The same as is now, George Bush. Under the old apple tree.... is where she first showed it to me... She showed me her spot and she called it a twat.. But it looked like an asshole to me.... Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither Flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker! There were these two strings walking down the road when they came to a bar. They decided to stop in and have a few drinks. So they sat down at a table and noticed that they were not going to be served. So the first string said that he would go up to the bar and get a couple of beers. First string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers. Bar tender: Sorry, but we don't serve strings here. So the first string returned to the table and informed the second string of the problem. The second string said "no problem, I'll take care of this. " So the second string stood up, Frazzeled his ends a bit and tied himself into a knot. He then walked up to the bar.. Second string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers. Bar tender: Hey, aren't you a string? Second string: I'm a frayed knot... they got the beers... A butcher got along great with everyone in the neighbourhood except a mysterious swami. They hated each other! One evening, the swami's pregnant wife had intense cravings for liver, however, and the swami had to go into his enemy's shop. "Give me a pound of liver, " he said to the butcher's clerk. The butcher whispered to the clerk from the back of the shop "Here's our chance to screw that no-good bum. " Pointing to the clerk's thumb, he said, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" This guy Fred is really in love with his girl friend Wendy, and decides to do something special for her. He has her name tattooed on his weiner. Fred and Wendy decide to take a trip to Jamaica in the Caribbean. When they arrive after their plight Fred has to go to the bathroom. He goes up to one of thc stalls and as he is going, this big black guy walks up to the next stall and starts to pee too. Wouldn't you know this black guy has WENDY tattooed on his weiner too. Fred asks the guy if his girlfriends' name is Wendy because of his tattoo. The black guy says NO. When I'm excited it spells out Welcome To Jamaica Man - Have a Nice Day. Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in. Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped around and Shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to learn a foreign language!" Laurel and Loren were this newlywed white couple that wanted to raise black children, and set out to work. Nine moths later, the fruits of there Labour was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, Loren decided to ask a black friend of his why the couldn't have black children. The fellow took him aside and asked "Is your penis at least 1 foot long?" Loren said no. "Is it at least 3 inches thick?" Again Loren answered in the negative. "Well there's your problem man! You let in too much light!" -- Woman's Libber Joke! -- There were three men, a smart man, a dum man, and Santa Clause walking down the street. They saw a fifty dollar bill on the road. Who picked it up? The dumb man--we know there is no Santa Clause and there is no certainly no smart men. I never met a man Will Rogers didn't like. For New Year's, I gave up sex and lying. She said, "I'll give you just one hour and forty-five minutes to stop that! " Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "Sorry. We don't serve bears here" said the bartender. "I want a beer" says the bear. "I can't serve you. It's not our policy" notes the bartender. Getting angrier, the bear growls and smashes his paw on the bar "I WANT A BEER! ! ! ! !" "NO" shouts the bartender. In frustration, the bear walks over to a lady sitting in a corner table. He eats her whole (bones and everything). The bear walks back to the bar and grabs the bartender). "I WANT A BEER" growls the bear. "We don't serve bears on drugs" states the bartender. "I'm not on drugs" replies the bear. "Yes you are" states the bartender "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate!! A foreigner came to the USA to get a job, he couldn't speak a word of English. The employment counsellor told him there were no job openings for people who could speak no English, but if the man would learn at least a couple of words, she would see what she could find for him. So the man went out to learn a couple of words of English, the first place he went was a rocket launch-pad. When the rocket went up, he got so excited, and was shouting and pointing, the other spectators told him that was the take-off All he could remember was the word 'take-off' but he figured that was good for one. The next place he went was a zoo. He saw all the animal exhibits, but he went back again and again to one certain cage. Eventually he heard someone call the animal a zebra. He figured zebra was good for the second word. When he went back to the employment office, the counsellor asked him what he had learned. He answered "Take-off zebra. " Why do ballerinas wear tight outfits? -So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splits. It seems that there was a couple who were going at it 69 style and suddenly the wife let out a fart. The husband who isn't into it to begin with looks up and says... "Thank God! A breath of fresh air!" There were two brothers by the name of Jones, one was married and the other one was single. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so so to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible. John replied, "Well I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start to the finish. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish and from the time that I got her. She made water faster than anything. She had a bad crack and a hole in the front--the hole got larger every time I used her and she leaked like everything; but here is what happened. " Four guys asked if they could rent her for the night. I warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would have a go at her anyhow. The result was that the fools tried to get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she split right up the middle. Before Joe could say another word about his boat, the old lady fainted on the spot. STOMP OUT AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR! Three men were in a balloon. They got caught in a storm and after being tossed about, they got lost. When the storm calmed down, they eventually floated passed a man on the ground. They yelled "Where are we?" The man replied "You are in a balloon". One of the men in the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a lawyer". How can you tell?, the two asked. "It's easy, the information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless". A new bride, being very pure and innocent was quite nervous about her honeymoon night. That evening they were staying upstairs from her mother and when bed time came and her husband took off his shirt the nervous newlywed ran down to her mother screaming, "Mother, Mother his chest is all hairy". Mother calmly replied, "Just go back upstairs relax and do what he says. " She returned upstairs and her husband removed his pants. She saw his hairy muscular legs, again she darted downstairs yelling, "mother Mother, his legs are all bumpy and hairy. " "relax", advised her mother, "just go back upstairs and do what he tells you. " Well once again she returned upstairs only to notice this time that her husband had lost 1/2 of his left foot in an accident. Down the stairs she ran screaming "Mother, Mother, he only has a foot and a half. " "wait here, I'll be back in awhile. " her mother said. How do they take a census in Poland? Flood the cellars! How can you tell the bride and groom at a Polish wedding? He's the one with the clean bowling shirt - she's the one with the hair under her arms braided! 1) There once was a man with blonde hair who was fucking a girl on the stairs the bannister broke but he doubled his stroke and finished her off in mid-air 2) There once was a man from Aberdeen who invented a jerking machine on the twenty-fifth stroke the damn thing broke and beat his balls to a cream 3) There once was a man from New York who's tool was as dry as a cork when he attempted to screw his tool broke in two and now his tool is a fork 4) the cabin boy, the captain's joy a cunning little nipper they stuffed his ass with broken glass and circumcised the skipper So this Oriental guy goes to the eye-doctor for an examination. The doctor takes a look and says "You have cataracts, don't you?" The guy replies, "No, a Rinken Continental!" A preacher walking down the sidewalk sees a little boy playing with a a little bottle of turpentine. The preacher says "Well, hello there son, what have you got there?". The little boy says "This here sir, is the most powerful liquid in the world. ". The preacher looks at the bottle and says "Oh no son, that cannot be the most powerful liquid in the world. The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. If you take a couple of drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a baby girl. ". The little boy thinks about this for a minute, perks up and says "Well ah heck, that ain't nothin. You take a couple of drops of this and rub it it on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle!". Q: What's the definition of an Italian virgin? A: A twelve year old that can run faster than all her brothers. They have all sorts of new services these days: Now they have a dial a prayer for Atheists! You call a number - and nobody answers. Three Atheists were trying to bother a young Baptist minister. "I think I will move to Nevada, " said the first atheist, "only twenty-five percent of the people there are Baptists. " "No, I think I'd rather live in Colorado, " said the second man, "only ten percent of the people are Baptists. " "Better yet, " said the third atheist, "is New Mexico... only five percent there are Baptists. " "I think the best place for you all is Hades, " said the minister. "There are no Baptists there!" Overheard: "I'm an atheist, thank God!" Atheists are really on the spot; they have to sing "Hmmmmmm bless America!" As I heard it ( to the tune of the song ) By the shade of the old apple tree, That's where she first showed it to me. It was hairy and black, And she called it her crack, But it looked like a manhole to me....... There was a big party going on in the local mental hospital. It was a big event, and one of the local doctors had been invited to tour the grounds during the festival. When the doctor arrived, things seemed to be going nicely, and the doctor decided to take a personal "unauthorized" tour of the grounds. As the doctor began to explore within the hospitals grounds, he began to notice that the patients were all getting this celebration with everyone else. The doctor first discovers a man, who is buck naked, and painted red from head to toe. The doctor asks the man "why are you red?" The man replies "I am angry! I am angry that people can do things and I'm stuck in here. I am angry that Bush is president, and that Quayle is in office! I am angry at everything! ! ! ! !" The doctor not wanting to draw attention to himself immediately began to walk away from this ranting angry man. Then he approached a man painted green. This guy was a bit more composed, even though he was buck naked like the mad man. The guy immediately looked at the doctor and said "I'm green with envy! I am envious of you and your freedoms, the fact that you have a life and I do not, the fact that I don't have a car, and that my wife and kids left me! I am envious of everyone because they own what I can never have...sob...sob... " The doctor immediately began a retreat from this sorry excuse for a patient and promptly walked into tall black man, who was buck naked and happened to have a pear hanging off the end of his penis. The doctor immediately responded with "Oh, excuse me, my gosh, what's your problem?" The man responded in a quiet, distant voice- "I'm fucking dis' pear. " A newfie gets married one day. He goes home to his mother the next day and declares that he's getting a divorce. His mother asks him why and he says "she is a virgin" His mother replies "well I don't blame you son, if she's not good enough for anybody else she's certainly not good enough for you. Did you hear about the newly wed newfes who didn't know the difference between putty and vasaline?---Their windows fell out! So this Gorilla walks up to a dairy bar and says, "I'd like a vanilla milk shake, please. " The man at the counter makes one and gives it to him, the gorilla puts a ten dollar bill on the counter. The man thinking to himself, "What can a gorilla know about money?", returns 50 to the gorilla. "You know, we don't get many gorillas here. " "No wonder - at $9.50 a shake!" Get'em by the balls, the heart and mind follow. Military Laws:1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are. Murphy's Military Laws:2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. Murphy's Military Laws:3. Friendly fire ain't. Murphy's Military Laws:4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. Murphy's Military Laws:5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it. Murphy's Military Laws:6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. Murphy's Military Laws:7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short. Murphy's Military Laws: B. Incoming fire has the right of way. Murphy's Military Laws:9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. Murphy's Military Laws:l0. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. Murphy's Military Laws:ll. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. Murphy's Miltary Laws:12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions. Murphy's Military Laws:l3. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. Murphy's Military Laws:l4. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss. Murphy's Military Laws:15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. Murphy's Military Laws:l6. If your sergant can see you, so can the enemy. Cthulhu saves - in case he's hungry later. Why did God create women ? Because sheep can't type. Like for example, do you know how to spot a newfie Word Processor? It's the one with whiteout on the screen. Did you know that on the bottom of newfie coke bottles it says "Open other end"! When Canada came out with the $1 looney coin, they had to recall them from Newfoundland because they kept trying to break the coins open to get the chocolate out. There was a man renowned for orgasming television sets. When he died, he put into a museum of oddities. One day, a visitor inquired of her tour guide 'Does he COME cable ready?' Profanity? I don't #$%$#^#^# use it! Coming home early from work yesterday, I saw a neighbor jogging, nude, down the street. I said -- "How long have been doing this nude jogging" He said -- "Since you came home from work early. " An Englishman, Spaniard, Frenchman, and German were having a drink in a garden. A butterfly swooped down and sat on the edge of the table. "Ah, a butterfly", said the Englishman, "What a lovely name for such a delicate, beautiful creature". "In my country, it's papillon", said the Frenchman, "the word just rolls Off the tongue -- papillon". "Well, we call the lovely creature a mariposa", said the Spaniard, "mariposa". The German replied: "Und vat ist wrong mit Schmetterling! ". Friend of mine walking was supposed to meet a friend in a seedy joint. Went in, and there were a bunch of guys (including my friend's friend) shooting up and passing around the needle. My friend said "Jeez, guys, don't you know that you can get AIDS from sharing needles?" One of the guys looks up and says "It's OK - we're all wearing condoms". Jewish Doggie style sex: he sits up and begs for it, she rolls over and plays dead. Little Mike came in from school one day, and asked "Mom, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? His mom replies "I don't know son, why don't you ask you're dad when he gets home". His dad comes home and Mike asks "dad, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? His dad replies, " I don't know son, but I will try to find out for you". The following Saturday Mike and his dad are driving to the store, and they pull into a train station, Mikes dad says " son, do you remember the question that you asked me the other day"? "Yes " says Mike. Well why don't you go over and ask the train engineer. So, Mike goes over and asks the train engineer, "Mr. train engineer, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? The train engineer thinks for a minute and then replies " well son, I guess it is because big trains always pull out on time. While fishing at Toho I was baiting my hook when two six foot tall mosquitos alighted in front of me. I was so horrified, I was unable to move. One of them said, "should we eat him here or take him back home with us?" The other one said, "let's eat him here. If we take him back, the big mosquitoes will take him away from us. " I saw this on a tee shirt yesterday. Blown by Hugo... but still erect. How do you get 29 newfies into a small car? Throw in a can of beans. No Beelzebub, I don't talk to demons. Why did God create women ? To give the sheep a rest. What's white and red and sits in the corner? A baby chewing on razor blades. Why do they boil water when a baby is being born? In case it dies, they can make soup. What is 96? 69, the cost of eating out went up! America, where you park on the driveway! A Rabbi who lived in Peru, Was vainly attempting to screw. His wife said, "Oye Vey! If you keep on this way, The Messiah will come before you. " What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair! I don't have no grammar difficulties. What happens when a Keebler Elf throws up? He tosses his cookies! Since a lot of people have been passing out questionnaires, I thought I'd it one of my own. 1) Are you a liar? A) Yes B) No C) None of the above 2) Do you fill out questionnaires correctly? A) Yes B) No C) None of the above D) I refuse to answer. 3) Have you ever committed adultery? A) Yes B) No C) None of the above D) I refuse to answer. If the answer is A or D, answer number 4. 4) Who did you commit adultery with? Please give her name and number. 5) In your opinion, are these questionnaires a waste of time? 6) Are you: A) Sexually Active B) A Married Person C) A Nun D) Sterile 7) Seriously: Which came first: the TV or TV stations? 8) Rhetorical: Is that understood young man? 9) Are you a drug. dealer? Please list your sales for the last 3 months. 10) Are you a pimp? Catch a breath of morning exhaust fumes. Japanese visitor goes to a bank in Britain just as it opens and asks to change Yen into Pounds. "I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come back after l2noon, as our computers are down and we don't have the exchange rate yet, " said the teller. "But want to change Yen to Pounds", replied the visitor. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to return after noon, " said the teller. "Need to change Yen to Pounds", insisted the visitor. "You don't understand ... we don't have the exchange rate yet, so I can't change your money. Currency fluctuations, you see" replied the teller. "Currency Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" inquired the visitor. "Fluctuations- Fluctuations" said the exasperated teller. "Ah, fluc you British, too then" yelled the visitor as he stormed out of the bank. What is: Gooooo, Goooo, Click, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Yaaaaa, Yaaaaa, Tick, Tick, Tick, Ding. Baby playing IN a Microwave. What is: Gooooo, Gooooo, Click, Yaaaaa, Yaaaaaa, Whirrrrrr, Whirrrrrr. Baby playing IN a Bender. As the cowboy swung down into the narrow ravine, he saw a thin wisp of smoke ahead. Going cautiously along the trail, he came into a clearing where the remains of a burning wagon met his gaze. As he came around the wagon, he saw a naked woman spread eagled on the ground and sobbing. "Oh thank goodness," she said. "Indians killed my husband, burned our wagon, stripped me, raped me and left me to die." The old cowboy looked around as he climbed down out of the saddle and walked towards her...... "Well Mam," he said as he started unbuckling his gun belt, "this just ain't your day." Did you ever get caught masturbating in the closet????? You must be pretty good at it then..... What is: peck, peck, peck, BANG, peck, peck, peck BANG?? A chicken in a mind field... What is: I got it.....I got it.....I got it.....I got it. A blind guy with a rubicks cube... What is: Bop, Bop, Bop, YELL, smush... Someone plucking a baby's soft spot on his head Jesus and Moses are sitting around Heaven one day, bored. "Waddya wanna do today, Moses?" Jesus asks. "I don't know," Moses replies. "We've seen all the movies already..." Eventually, they decide to go back and visit the Earth. While wandering across the surface of the globe, they come to the Red Sea. Moses stands on the shore, gazing across the waves. "You know," he says, "I'd like to see if I still have the old 'juice' in me." With these words he draws himself up, concentrates, and flings his arms toward the skies. The clouds roil, the waters rumble, and then -- in one huge, convulsive movement, the waves roll back and the sea parts! Moses gazes with satisfaction at the path leading through the sea. "Yeah, nice to know I've still got what it takes!" He lets his arms drop, and the waters crash back into place. Later, the two men find themselves by the Sea of Galileo. "My turn now," Jesus says, "Let's see if I've still got my stuff I haven't walked on water in years!" So saying, he marches toward the shore. He strides out right onto the surface of the water, turns around and grins toward Moses. Another few steps farther out, he sinks in just a little bit -- perhaps as far as his ankles. A few more steps, and he sinks in up to his knees. Gamely setting his face, he pushes forward another couple of steps when all buoyancy suddenly abandons him, and he drops abruptly below the surface of the waves. Jesus swims back to shore and hauls himself out of the water -- a wet, bedraggled mess. Moses is rolling around on the sand, pointing and laughing fit to bust a gut! Jesus shakes his head sadly. "I just don't understand it. What could have gone wrong?" "Shmuck!" Moses whoops, "You forgot about the HOLES in your feet!" A man was seriously injured in a car accident, severely damaging his legs. As soon as the emergency room doctor examined him, he knew the one of the man's legs must be amputated. He was taken to surgery, where, due to an administrative error, the good leg was amputated. The mistake was discovered while the man was in the recovery room, so he was taken back into surgery and the bad leg also amputated. When the man found out what had happened from a nurse who was present during the entire procedure, the man decided to sue the doctor and the hospital. He consulted the best attorney in town, who, after going over the man's claim, advised him against seeking damages. "What," the man exclaimed, "this is the most clear cut case of outright negligence I have ever heard of." "That may be true," the lawyer replied, "but frankly you don't have a leg to stand on." Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a woman with PMS? A: Jewellery! As a result of the reduction in the availability of funds budgeted for departmental areas, we are, unfortunately, forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees will be encouraged to accept early retirement thus permitting the retention of younger personnel, who represent our future plans. A programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will therefore be put into effect, as soon as possible. The programme will be known as Retire Aged People Early (RAPE). Employees who are RAPE'd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPE'd they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called: Survey of Capabilities of Retiring Early Workers (SCREW). All employees who have been RAPE'd or SCREW'd may file an appeal with upper management. This operation will be called: Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of this new policy employees may be RAPE'd once, SCREW'd twice, but may be SHAFT'd as many times as thc company deems appropriate. If the employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get Half Earning for Retired Personnel's Early Severence (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPE'd or SCREW'd by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain, that the company will continue it's policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High-Intensity Training programme (SHIT). The company takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our employees receive. We have, and will continue to give, our employees more SHIT than any other company in this sector. If you feel that you are not receiving enough SHIT please see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can handle. (and then some!!) The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude. Seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "Lady, if that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite." Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it. The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go downtown and punch the rude salesman right in the nose. "Well", the husband replied. "There are three reasons I don't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole closet full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping downtown with no panties on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch any guy in the nose whose big enough to eat that much ice cream!" Man is in a bar with his dog watching the Cowboys play on TV. The 'Boys score a TD and the dog starts barking like crazy. The barkeeper comes up and says, "Gee, does he do that every time the Cowboys score?" "I don't know. I've only had him two seasons..." At the other end of the vegetable patch was a row of cabbages; one was bored with life as a cabbage and when his fairy godmother appeared to grant a wish, he asked to become a knight in shining armour. Done! Riding off for adventure, he finds a damsel held captive by a dragon, so he attacks the dragon with a view toward rescuing the lady. The dragon breathes fire the on hapless knight, instantly turning him into a cinder of charcoal. What is the moral of this story? He should have quit while he was a head. What did Teddy Kennedy say to Gary Hart after the latter was linked with Donna Rice: "You should have let me drive her home." Q: What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS? A: The guy who gave it to him. The new breakfast cereal marketed to blacks? -- It's called "Nut'n, Bitch!" A girl goes to her doctor and says "Doctor Doctor, I have a Y on my beast" and the doctor says "well how did it get there" and she says "I was doing my boyfriend and he was wearing a his College T-Shirt, Yale", so the doctor says ok take this medicine you'll be f ne, so the next day she goes back to the doctor and says "I have a BC on my breast" and the doctor asks how she got it there, and she says "I was being done by my other boyfriend and he's from Boston College" so he tells her to take the medicine, and the next day she is back and she tells the Doc she has a W on her breasts and her doctor said "Iet me guess, you have a boyfriend from Winscinson University" and she says "no I was with my girlfriend last night and she from Michigan University!" It really bothers me when people cut me o Improve your memory, forget about work An elderly couple decided to get married. The old gentleman had been after her for years, and she agree on the condition that they both get complete physical exams. They went to the doctor's office together, and he was called first. After a short time the man and doctor returned. She ask about his health. The doctor said he is in good health for a man his age; just a little hard-of hearing. Then she went in. The wife-to-be and doctor returned. The future husband ask about her condition. The doctor said that she is in fairly good health for a woman her age, just a little angina. The husband-to-be said, "Oh boy! Oh boy! I can't wait to see what the rest of her looks like!!" Q: What's the difference between a Pit Bull and a woman with PMS? A: Lipstick (though I can't recall seeing many Pit Bulls wearing it). It's been a business doing pleasure with you A guy has SEVERE constipation and he goes to his doctor for help. After the doc looks him over, he prescribes some suppositories for the patient. A week goes by and the guy still hasn't taken a dump. The guy decides to go back to the doctor to see what was up. He steps into the doctors office, and tell him the problem Well, says the doc, how have you been taking the pills?? With a glass of water, what do you want me to do???? shove them up my ass? Best pick-up line in a gay bar: "May I push your stool in?" Gay guy walks into a gay bar, sees a fellow he likes, so he says: "Say, you don't have AIDS, do you?" The fellow says: "No, I've never had any venereal diseases at all." The other guy says: "Well, then, you're just the asshole I'm looking for!" 186,000 miles a second -- it's the Law! (speed of light) This lady was a big fan of Elvis. And to show this, she decided to go and get a tattoo on her upper thigh. She went to the tattoo parlour and had it done. When the guy finished she look at it and said "That is not Elvis, it looks more like Roy Orbison! I'm not giving you a penny!" The tattoo guy tells her that he'll make another one on the other leg and she would only have to pay for one. She agreed. When he finished, she said the same thing and that she wasn't going to pay for either of them. The man says "You're gonna have to pay for one of them. How about if I got a total stranger off the street, and if he says one of the tattoos looks like Elvis, than you will have to pay for one of them." She agreed, again. They got an old man in and asked him who he thought the tattoos looked like, and the man said "I don't know who the two twins are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson." What excuse did Marion Barry give the judge to explain why he was late for his cocaine trial? -- There was a line in the bathroom. Three vampires walk into a bar. the first one says "I'll have a pint of blood". The second one says "That sounds good! I'll have the same". The third one says "I think I'll have a pint of plasma". The bartender says "Let me make sure I've got this right: Two Bloods and a Blood Lite?" How many women with PMS does it take to screwy in a lightbulb? Three, .. IT JUST DOES! ! ! ! A man and his wvifc had decided to move to the country to enjoy the country life. They enjoyed it so much that eventually she became pregnant. Not wanting to be unprepared when the baby came, the couple went through all the basic training. One day the expected labour pangs came and the couple set off for the hospital. Soon it was apparent that they wouldn't make it to the hospital on time. The man noticed a familiar veterinary clinic and decided to stop there in hopes that the Vet would be able to help with the birth. After talking with the old country Vet for a few seconds he replied "Of course I can deliver it, I've delivered hundreds of babies in my time." The man was set to waiting while the Vet did what was necessary. Hours and hours the man waited. He was finally about to go in when the Vet burst out tired and sweating "You have a fine baby boy." "Was it a hard birth Doctor?" the man questioned. "No," the Vet replied, "the birth only took 15 minutes." "Then why were you in there for so long?" the man quizzed. "Well it took her four hours to eat the afterbirth." A little old Jewish man and women are discussing manage. They spend hour upon hour talking about their likes and dislikes. He likes Mogan David, she likes sherry. They both prefer a quiet time at home... together. He wants to leave his estate to his kids and she agrees that since her dearly departed husband left her well off and she wants to leave it to her kids. After several hours they have exhausted every possible subject and are pretty well agreed and comfortably compatible. "You know, Irving" she said "There is one subject we haven't talked about. Sex!" "Not to worry Martha! With me that's infrequently." "Just one more question, Irving. Is that one word or two?" This man was in a fancy restaurant when he all of a sudden begins to choke on a piece of food. He stands up and gives the sign that he is choking, but no one comes to help him. He's turning blue and about to pass out when this pretty woman comes over to him. Pushes him over a chair, pulls down his pants, and begins licking his rear end. All of a sudden the food comes flying out of the man's mouth. After a few minutes, he gets his composure, and thanks the woman for all her help. He asks her how she ever learned to do that, to which she replies, " Everyone knows how to do the heiny-lick manoeuvre" .ring...ring..jingle... Zaaaap... Aieeee Italian politician and porn star Illona Staller rose to fame when she campaigned for Parliament topless. Not one to rest on her laurels, she recently showed up at the Vatican for a meeting with the Pope... again, topless. The Pope met her at the gate. "Dear lady!", he said, "You can't come in here like that!" "And why not?", Staller asked. "This is a church, and I have a divine right!" "Hey," the Pope replied, "You have a magnificent left, too, but you STILL can't come in here like that!" --QUICK LOSS DIET-- Years of dieting had failed to return Betsy to the slim figure she enjoyed as a youth. She had tried every diet known to man and women kind. So naturally when she heard there was a doctor new in town that could help her loose weight she was very sceptical. But she was still grossly overweight and desperate so she called at his office. He explained that any and all foods were allowed on his diet and in any quantity. Also there was no exercise program involved in this diet plan. And ... it was guaranteed with a 100% money back contract. She will lose all the weight she wanted to. This all sounded too good to be true. There has to be a catch. Well of course there was one aspect of the diet that was not pleasant. True you can have all the food you desire, BUT you shove it up the rectum. Well she was desperate and agreed to the diet. Sure enough the fat just melted away. Soon she was slim and trim. On her last visit, concluding the treatment she seemed calm and relaxed but could not sit still. She rocked gently from side to side continuously. The doctor was getting a little worried and asked if there were any side effects. She replied no. "Well then can you explain why you can't seem to sit still?" "Oh, that's nothing, Doc. I'm just chewing gum." Christina Applegate Fan Club -- Go Kelly Bundy! An old woodsman gives this advice about catching a porcupine: "Watch for the slapping tail as you dash in and drop a large wash tub over him. The washtub will give you something to sit on while you ponder your next move." A computer salesman, a hardware engineer and a software developer were riding in a car down the freeway. The software developer was asleep in the back, having been up all night programming. Suddenly, the car began to shudder, and the hardware guy (who was driving) pulled over to the shoulder. The salesman got out and discovered that they had a flat tire. "Time to buy a new car!" he said. "The new ones are much faster and have more features, anyway." The hardware guy said, "Let me look at it." He got out, inspected the tire, and returned, saying, "I think we should rotate the tires." The software guy, who was awake by Now, then said, "Look, it's not doing it Now. Let's take her back out on the highway and see if it works." Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Q: What's the difference between an Iraqi woman and a catfish? A: One has whiskers and smells bad, and the other is a fish. Did you hear about the who moved his entire house six inches to the side? -- He needed to tighten his loose clothesline! A young boy dressed in a pirate costume rang the doorbell of an elderly Woman's home. The woman being mostly lonely tried to make conversation with the young lad by saying, "My what a cute pirate costume... and where are your fellow buccaneers?" The boy was not amused and in fact was put out by this question since he was being held up so he simply replied, "There under my buccing hat!" A young couple from the back woods get married and are on their way to Disneyland for their honeymoon. When they got within 20 miles the man put his hand on his wifes' knee. She said "Oh, darling, were are married now. You can go further." So he drove to Miami. The farmer tells his son to go out in the back 40 and watch the bull. Then come and tell me when he services the white cow. (Only he is a back wood farmer and does not say service). The farmer goes back to the house to find the preacher and his wife have dropped in unexpectedly. He is having tea with them (if you can believe that) when the son comes home and tells his father that the bull serviced the Brown cow. (Only he did not say serviced.) The preachers wife heard the son's language and asked "What did he say?" To cover up the farmer said "He said the brown cow bucked." (Which of course rimes with what he really said.) So the farmer took the son aside and told him to go watch the bull and let him know when he serviced the white cow. (Only he did not say serviced.) "But son when you come back tell me the bull 'surprised' the white cow, and I'll know what you mean." A little while later the son runs up excitedly and the farmer is prepared to avert another disaster. He says "Don't tell me son, the bull 'surprised' the white cow." "He sure did, he serviced the brown cow again!" (Only he did not say serviced. ) Two drunks are sitting in the gutter watching a dog lick his private parts. One says to the other "Gee I wish I could do that." The other says "Better pet him first." How many Aggies does it take to have sex. 5. 1 to do the job and 4 to bounce the bed. 3 guys in a boat fishing. a catholic, a methodist, and a baptist. The catholic says to the others "I'm getting hungry and my lunch is on shore". So he jumps out of the boat, runs across the top of the water to the shore and begins to eat lunch. Well, the baptist was just amazed. "Did you see that! ", he said. The methodist says "O, that's nothing. I'm hungry to". So he jumps out of the boat, runs across the top of the water and sits beside the catholic and begins to eat his sandwich. Now the Baptist is just dumbfounded' "I can't believe it. It's impossible". Be the good Baptist he is, he thought to himself "My faith is just as strong as theirs, no it's stronger. I have nothing to fear". So he shouted to his friends on shore, "I'm hungry to, I'll join you". So he stands up, steps out of the boat, falls flat on his face, and begins to climbs back into the boat. The Catholic turns to the Methodist with a smile and says, "Gees, don't think we should have told him about the rocks" A baby chick ask his mother. "Am I people?" "No, you are a chicken." "Was I born?" "No, you were laid." "Are people laid?" "Not all - some are chicken." After thirty years of marriage, John's wife died. Two years later he was beginning to adjust and at the suggestion of a friend decided to investigate a local nudists camp. On his first visit he was walking around the grounds when he spotted several 20 - 24 year old girls obviously in their prime. Much to his surprise he soon had a full blown erection. Some what embarrassed he ducked behind some bushes. One of the young ladies had noticed his condition and followed him, and proceeded to alleviate the problem. Feeling very pleased with himself he continued his stroll and lit up a cigar. Without realizing it his little walk took him into the "gay" section. He only realized his mistake when bent over to pick up the cigar he had dropped, and one of the gay men nailed him. This incident so upset him that he sought out the director and explained the two events and his decision not to return. The director took some time explaining that there were all kinds at the camp: "You don't understand", John replied "I may only get an erection once or twice a wreck. But I'm likely to drop my cigar three or four times a day!" Telecommunications Dictionary. Term Definition. ------------------------------------ Modem What landscapers do to dem lawns. Token Ring A virtual engagement gift. Ethernet A device for catching the Ether Bunny. DataPac A size 14 girl in a size 8 bikini. Asynch A place to wash your hands. Bisynch The place where Elton John washes his hands. BBS Tall tales told by insects that produce honey. ASCII Ancient god of Telecommunications. Rumoured to give vast amounts of data to believers. Hence, the phrase "ASCII and you shall receive." Block Parity One heck of a good time. Carrier Detect Raison d'etre for premarital blood tests. File Transfer Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff who are tired of their present jobs. Hayes Compatible Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who sings off key. Gene Autry is the industry standard. Serial Interface A spoon. Terminal Emulation A function performed by a canary that lays on its back with its legs in the air. XMODEM A device on the losing end of an encounter with lightning. At 3:00 sharp a lady came into Jim's friendly tavern and ordered a Bud in a bottle. She picks up the Bud and downs it, takes one look at Jim, her eyes roll back in their sockets and she falls off the bar stool. Jim rushes around the bar to see what assistance he can give her. She is laying there passed out but otherwise seems all right. He doesn't want to leave her laying on the floor and decides to carry her back to the office and let her sleep it off on the couch. As luck would have it the bar was deserted and that left the task of carrying her dead weight all by himself. If you have ever tried to lift a grown person that was passed out you will have some idea of his plight. Well he struggled along and by the time he got to the couch he was pretty hot (in more ways than one) since in the process her clothes had slipped here and there revealing her firm, round luscious body. He also noticed she was not wearing panties and figured what the hay, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. So he took off his clothes and "had his way with her". . Later that evening he relayed the story in strict confidence to a good friend. The newt day just before 3:00 his friend came into the bar. At 3:00 sharp the same girl came in and ordered a Bud in a bottle. She picks up the Bud and downs it, takes one look at Jim, her eyes roll back in their sockets and she falls off the bar stool. Jim's friend helps carry her back to the office and they both have their way with her. The next day at 3:00 sharp the same girl came in and ordered a Bud in a bottle. She picks up the Bud and downs it, takes one look at Jim, her eyes roll back in their sockets and she falls off the bar stool. Jim's friend and two of his friends and two of their friends help carry her back to the office and they ALL have their way with her. Some of them twice. The next day Jim's place has about 20 guys who come in just before 3:00. At 3:00 sharp the same girl comes in and orders a Bud Light. Jim asks why she switched. "Well", she replies "I've got to lay off it for a while. It was making my pussy sore!" When all else fails, try Tequila... One: What are the famous words of the giant? Two: FEE FI FO FUM ONE: O.K. Pick any three of them in random order. Two: How 'bout FO FO FEE One: Good. Now Pick any four in random order. Two: O.K.... FI FO FEE FEE One: So we have FO FO FEE-FI FO FEE FEE Two: Yup. ONE: Do you know what that is? Two: Nope. One: Well Its.......... One: Its Mike Tyson phone number! Lockheed Aviation files Copyright-Action against Texas Condom Maker! Seems a Texas-Firm, making the "Stealth-Condom" got on the wrong side of Lockheed! Causing the Condom-Maker to state: Our Stealth-Condom provides a lot more protection for much less money A newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune and after a couple of years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from Newfoundland to to tell him their father is very ill and probably won't survive." Well if he dies I'll pay for the funeral, the best of everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill" says the Toronto newfie. Two weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The following week he gets a bill for $75.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The following week he gets a bill for $75.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The following week he gets a bill for $75.00 He sends the cheque off to his brother. The following week he gets a bill for $75.00 He calls his brother and says "What the hell is going on; why do keep get a bill for $75.00 every week?" His brother tells him "Well you said spare no expense so we rented Dad a tux." Buster Douglas: "I've FALLEN, and I can't get up!" "NIGERIANS FEAR DISMEMBERING AS TALES OF GENITAL THEFT GROW (Agence France-Presse) LAGOS - A bizarre rumour of disappearing male genitals has gripped black Africa's biggest city, leading to mob attacks in Lagos on suspected organ-robbers and extensive coverage in Nigeria's news media. The rumour, whose origins are unclear, states that some unscrupulous people use bodily contacts such as handshakes to make genitals disappear. According to the rumour, the stolen organs later reappear in possession of those people who sell them for thousands of dollars. Dozens of suspects have been beaten up by irate mobs or arrested by policemen in various parts of this city of an estimated seven million residents in the past two weeks. Many Lagos residents now go about the streets checking from time to time their genitals immediately after a handshake or after a bodily contact with a stranger. Reacting to the rumour, the Lagos state police issued a statement last Thursday. It described the rumour as the work of mischievous elements who create a panicky situation to enable them to loot, steal or commit other atrocities against innocent citizens. Beside bodily contact, the rumour says, another method used b the "evildoers" involves asking their victim for the time of day or for directions. "Once they succeed in arresting their attention, the genitals vanish immediately," a firm believer in the rumour said. Because bodily contacts are impossible to avoid at such crowded spots as bus stops and markets, that is where the popular fears most often crystalized into mass violence." Why did the bald man have a hole in his pants? ANSWER: So he could run his fingers through his hair. What is biker foreplay? "You awake, bitch?" "Did you hear about the Mexican disk drive salesman that named his twin boys Jose and Jos-b`.>" The new priest was so nervous at his first Christmas Mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in thee pulpit he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly. The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great, however, upon returni8ng to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor which read as follows: 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments not 12. 3. There are 12 Disciples not 10. 4. We do not refer to the cross as The Big T. 5. The recommended grace before meals is not Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, Yeah God! 6. Do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C.and the boys. 7. David Sleww Goliath, he did not beat the shit out of him. 8. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, are never referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 9. It's always the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry. 10. Last but not least, newt Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Talfy's A dead Pitbull is a good Pitbull Now where did I park my hard drive? Sing this to the Everly Brothers' tune "Wake Up, Little Susie": Wake up or eat sushi, wake up! Wake up or eat sushi, wake up! Our country's sound asleep Japan is buying us cheap They're taking over, we're in a wok and they're turning up the damn heat Wake up or eat sushi! Wake up or eat sushi! Well, how we gonna talk to kids who say ko nee-chee-wah? Wake up or eat sushi! Wake up or eat sushi! They're buying our home Wake up or eat sushi, wake up! Columbia Pictures went first and then it even got worse They bought up all of our Seven Elevens They even bought the next verse: "You people so stupid You buy a Suzuki We buy up youl home" Wake up or eat sushi, wake up! "Oul movies alen't so hot We buy Corumbia's rot Now Godzirra is dliving Miss Daisy And we don't haldry pay squat We hope you rike sushi We buying youl home We hope you rike sushi, Amelica We hope you rike sushi, Amelica We hope you rike sushi, Amelica ..." Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretty nasti! Q: What's nu? A: "C" over Lambda. Once there was a man who went all through college and decided he didn't like it, so he dropped out to become a trolley car conductor... He loved the trolley cars... he had loved them since he had been a child in San Francisco... every day he would watch the trolley cars go up the hill and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill... and he loved to watch them... except when old people got on the trolley cars, because they used to complain about the littlest (sic) things... as the man grew older he developed a hatred of old people, while retaining his love of trolley cars. So it was no surprise that the man, upon dropping out of school, decided to become a trolley car conductor... he spent his days going up the hill and down the hill; up the hill and down the hill, ringing the trolley car bell as he went... UNTIL... one day an old lady got on the trolley car and demanded change for the money she had put in the vend-o-matic, even though there was a sign clearly posting that the conductor did not make change... the conductor refused to make change for her, and this infuriated the old Lady... at this point she began screaming at him and making such a scene that he lost control and threw her out on the trolley car tracks and ran over her... needless to say, he was arrested, tried, and found guilty... He was sentenced to die in the electric chair, and when the warden came to ask him what he wanted for his last meal, he responded "a dozen bananas". The warden was a bit surprised at the request, but honoured it and the man promptly smashed up the bananas and smeared the juice all over his body... He was then taken to the electric chair and strapped in... ZAP... the executioner threw the switch, but the man lived... the executioner checked all the connections and threw the switch again... the man still lived... the executioner tried a third time, but the man still lived... now at this time, the law stated that if you didn't die by the third time, it was an act of God that you were still alive and you were released, so the man went free... He returned to his job at the trolley car... (go through the deaths of two more old people and trials and bananas smashed on bodies and three tries and man going free from electric chair)... after the man was set free for the third time, the warden approached him... "Three times you've been sentenced to die in the electric chair and three times, you've gone free... tell me why... is it the banana juice that you smear all over your body before going to the chair??" The man thought for a moment, and then slowly replied, "No, I don't think it's the bananas... I guess I'm just a bad conductor..." Politics make strange bedsores Hear's to you. Best joke of the day. Reminds me of a story told in sunny Florida a couple of years ago. First a little background. Gov. Martinez was still fresh in office and was becoming very adept at making people mad at him. There was a very unpopular tax introduced on the entertainment industry that affected anyone that did any advertising in the state. First he supported the tax, then opposed it, then supported it. This soon became a life style with him (up, down, up: this, that, this, that) until no one could stand him. Which probably gave rise to the following post: A CASE OF RAPE!! Dateline: Tallahassee, Florida. Police report the rape of a young women. When questioned she stated that the assailant came from behind her and blindfolded her. She said that he never spoke a word and she was not sure of any physical characteristics. The police officer told her that with so little to go on that they would never be able to catch the villain. "Oh," she replied "I know who it was!" "Who was it?" asked the officer. "It was Gov. Martinez!" she replied. "Now just a minute, young lady! You cannot go about saying important people like the Gov. raped you just like that. You already told me you never saw or heard the man that attacked you so how can you claim it was the Gov.?" "Easy" she replied "He changed positions on me three times!" Q. How many Indians does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Two. One to hold the lightbulb and the other to drink beer until the room spins. Q: How do you get a black man out of a tree in Alabama?? A: Cut the rope. Here's a question: What do restaurants do with frog arms? re: I am fallen and I can't get up! After the lady had uttered her well-known call, "Poof! ", two burly guys appeared. Standing over her, asking: "Did you fall?" She replied: "yes, I fell" "Can you get up?" . "No, I can't get up!" "So, stay put!" and they proceeded to rob the home ... What do call a steer without legs? Ground Beef! What do you call a cow that just had a calf? Decalfinated! Q: What's the NEW use Montana boys have found for sheep`1 -- They use them for wool! Why don't more blind people skydive? Scares the heck out of their dogs! ! What if there were no hypothetical situations? Did you hear about the young, newly married couple who didn't know the difference between vaseline and putty? -- Their windows fell out. How do blind skydivers know when to pull their ripcord? When their dogs' leash goes slack. A man crawled into town along the gutters looking for work. A kindly priest found him, and discovered that the man had come from the previous town and found no jobs. He told the priest he would do anything. To the kindly priest, the man was a god send. He bell tower ringer had quit that very day. "I will house you and feed you, if you will ring my tower bells for me. They are very loud." Anything, agreed the man. That Sunday on cue from the priest, the man rang the bells. He had to ring them from the top to the tower. However the heavy bells swung back hit the man on the nose. The man complained to the priest. "Well, stand on one side of the tower", suggested the priest. The man did just that next Sunday, but the bells swung back and hit the man on the face. The man enjoyed working for the priest and did not want to quit. The priest suggested the opposite side this time. The man tried just that, but the tower bells swung back and scraped him. Exasperated, the man asked the priest for more suggestions. The priest did not want to lose his best bell ringer so far, and he was getting frustrated. "Well, let's try this. Leave the tower doors open, and when you ring the bells, go downstairs immediately. Does that sound workable?" It did sound workable to the man. He would not let the priest down. That next Sunday, right on cue from the priest, the man rang the tower bells. The bells sounded, and along with it a scream from the old man. It seems that the bells swung back, and he could not move fast enough to get downstairs. The bells knocked him out of the towers. "Let me through, let me through. I am an officer." The officer studied the man, and upon not recognizing him, began asking questions as to who he was. Finally he got to the priest. "Do you know who he is, Father?" The kindly priest studied the man. "No I do not, Officer. But is it funny. He face seems to ring a bell." Here about the guy getting his first piece? Her ma catches them and goes BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! How do you avoid falling hair??? ...step to the side! A cowboy rides into town and decides to pull his horse up to the local saloon to have a few drinks. The bartender sees him through the window as the cowboy gets off his horse (that's not the joke). The cowboy ties his horse to the hitching post in front of the bar, walks behind the horse, lifts its tail, puckers up, and kisses the horse where the sun don't shine. The bartender is watching this happen it total amazement. The cowboy walks into the bar and grabs a stool at the bar. The bartender says to the cowboy, "Hey cowboy, why did you kiss your horse there?". The cowboy responds by saying, "I have chapped lips". The bartender says, "I don't understand. How does kissing your horse there help your chapped lips?". The cowboy says, "Well, at least I don't lick them anymore!" Here lies the bones of ol' Screwy Dick Blest at birth with a corkscrew prick Spent his life in a fruitless hunt For a woman with a corkscrew cunt At last he found her, poor Dick fell dead For the corkscrew cunt had a left hand thread St. Peter is doing his usual thing in heaven (this is a genre in itself) and Salvador Dali appears at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Your name please?" and Dali gives his name and Pete says, "I see that your name is listed, do you have any ID?" Dali says, "I have no ID, but if you'll give me a piece of paper, I can demonstrate." With all he takes the paper and draws a clock neatly draped over a chair and Peter says "That looks like something only Dali could have done, You're in." The next candidate to appear at the gates is Albert Einstein who (to shorten things) says that he also has no ID, but with a piece of paper is able to demonstrate the general theory of relativity to Peter who is a man of earthy and not intellectual means. Pete says, "You've convinced me and only Albert Einstein could have done as well, You're in." Then comes Dan Quayle to the Pearly Gates (I pray after his current term of office has inspired) and St. Peter repeats his request for an ID. Quayle, indignant, says that he is the Vice President of the United States and is not used to car in around an ID. To which Peter replies, Well, Salvador Dali and Albert Einstein were both here and they made their demonstrations eventhough they had no ID." To which Quayle replied, "Who are they." St. Peter said, "You're in." Seems there was one Hulda and one Heinrich Ulrich and they were very close. They were both homebodies. One day Heinrich didn't come home for dinner and that was very unlike him. . . So Hulda went out looking for him. (Here we need your best Milwaukee Gcrman accent). She went from shop to shop saying, "WAHSH MY HEINIE HERE? She got to the barber and stuck her head in the door saying, "WAHSH MY HEINIE HERE?" To which the barber said, "No ma'm chust a shave and a haricut." There's this guy who decides to send his 16 year old son to a prostitute to become properly initiated into sex. The prostitute takes him to the bedroom and starts taking him through various routines, straight sex, back, front, oral, anal, etc. Finally, she says "It's time to try some 69" So they get into position and as soon as they get started she breaks wind. The boy gets up and says, "God, how gross!" The prostitute apologies, says "Let's try it again". So they get into position, get underway and she lets go again. This time the boy jumps up, runs to the phone, calls his dad and says, "Pop, I don't think I can do this 67 more times!". Two male surfers were gloriously bronzed except for their genital areas. One of them said, "Let's go down to the end of the beach tomorrow and bury ourselves in the sand with our pricks exposed. A couple of sessions like that and out tans ought to even out nicely." While the surfers were putting this idea into practice the following morning, two vacationing spinster schoolteachers happened on the unusual sight. "Oh, look Martha!" exclaimed one. "What I wouldn't have done to get one of those when I was younger- and now, my God, they're growing wild!" There was this guy who won the lottery. He immediately calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I won the lottery, pack your bags." And she says, "Well, we only have one suitcase." And he says, "No, just pack your bags, I want you gone when I get home!" Why do they teach sex education in law school only on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because they use the donkey for drivers ed. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Did you hear that they found Buckwheat alive and well? He is now a Muslim and changed his name to Kareema Wheat! A Mexican, a Spaniard and a South Side Milwaukeean (SSM) died and found themselves at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greeted them and said that they would have to pass a small test in order to be admitted into heaven. The test consisted of St. Pete uttering a common phrase leaving off the last word... the candidates were to finish the sentence and spell the word. The Mexican was first. Old McDonald had a ? "Ranch" R-A-N-C-H You're a good speller but the word was wrong so go to the back of the line. The Spaniard was next. Old McDonald had a ? "Villa" V-I-L-L-A Sorry, but the word was incorrect although you too are a good speller. Go to the back of the line. Next the SSM. Old McDonald had a ? "Farm" E-I-E-I-O. Report #2: All American Terrorists Subject: The Deer Hunter Case: The Novice. The guy who's taken up a new hobby, killing. The one listening to all the stories, asking what's best for killing the big bucks (and buck's). The one who walks into K-Mart and drop a few hundred on the counter for everything required for an Alaskan polar bear outing. Case: The Buck-Fever's. The guy who shoots at sounds, through trees, around corners, at anything that's not wearing Blaze Orange... Usually the ones with Semi-Auto weapons, so they can empty the gun shooting at the deer running full speed across the field, almost out of shootable range. Case: The Dominant's of the Camp. The guys that tell you where to sit, what to eat, where not to go, how to shoot the deer, how to gut it, and how to drag it... Yet to help you drag it... Case: The Followers. The ones who follow you wherever you go, hoping you'll see 2 deer instead of just l, but usually cause enough ruckus that you don't see any! Case: The Smokers. They usually find a spot upwind from you and spook the deer well before you have a chance to. Recap: I am a hunter, both rifle and bow, a smoker (who leaves the cig's at camp), and am fortunate enough to hunt on a privately owned 40 acre plot. Did you hear that George Bush is planning to rotate 130,000 troops? Yeah, he decided to send in 130,000 women with severe PMS to replace our sandy troops. The reason George gave was as follows: "...they'll be mean as hell, and besides, they can hold water for at least a week." Did you hear about the new radio station here in town? It's called WPMS , and has only women D.J.'s. They play the blues for about three weeks, then play a week of rag-time. You made it to heaven and God sneezes, what do you say. Or. You made it to hell and you are angry because the guy next to dropped a hot coal on you foot. Where do you tell him to go? A taxi driver sees a man, obviously intoxicated, hailing his cab. The cab driver pulls over, and the schnockered man gets in. The man asks, hey driver, have you got room for a pizza and a six pack? Sure, the driver replies. HHHUUUUUWGGGGGG PPPHHHHAAAAAAAHHHH. 18 UNNATURAL LAWS 1. O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2. LIEBERMAN'S LAW Everybody lics; but it doesn' matter, since nobody listens. 3. DENNISON'S LAW Virtue is its own punishment. · 4. GOLD'S LAW If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 5. HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE If it's green or it wiggles - it's biology If it stinks, it's chemistry If it doesn't work, it's physics 6. CONWAY'S LAW In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person MUST be fired. 7. GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE . Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 8. STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. FIRST RULE OF HISTORY History doesn't repeat itself --- historians merely repeat each other 10. FINSTER'S LAW A closed mouth gathers no feet. 11. OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION no matter where you go, there you are. 12. LYNCH'S LAW When the going gets tough - everyone leaves. 13. GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. 14. MASON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 15. THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. 16. HARRISON'S POSTULATE For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 17. HALON'S RAZOR Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. 18. MUIR' S LA W When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. A FEW LESSER KNOWN FAMOUS QUOTES Here is a list of famous quotes and words of wisdom developed by the engineers from the (now defunct) Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard. Over a period of several days they slowly appeared on a centrally located white-board. One day I copied them down to save them for posterity. --- Brett Carver, HP, Palo Alto, 5 May 90 01 "Code so clean you can eat off it." 02 "Learned ignore from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school." - Bruce Springsteen 03 "Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought fourth a new application." - Gettysbug Address 04 "If we can't fix it, it isn't broken." - Lab Manager 05 "Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix." - QA Manager 06 "Don't break it if you can't fix it." - Marketing Manager 07 "I think therefore I create bugs." - Descartes 08 "Debug is human, de-fiw devine." 09 "There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him." - P.T.Bainum 10 "The Bugs of Wrath" - John Steinbug 11 "There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way works. - unknown consultant 12 Final Message from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug" 13 "Bugs Bunny was an optimist." 14 "One small bug for man, one great program for mankind." - N. Armstrong 15 "The bug is mightier than the fix." - Cyrano deBuggerac 16 "Man does not live by bug fixes alone." - The Super-user 17 "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered." 18 "The bug stops here." - Hariy Trubug 19 "Frankly, Scarlet, I don't have a fix." - Rhett Buggler 20 "I regret that I have but one fix to give for my country." - Nation Hale 21 "I have just begun to debug." - John Paul Jones 22 "... Jesus cried with a loud voice; Lazarus, come fourth; the bug hath been found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came fourth. - John 11:43-44 23 "Bugs, bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight." 24 "I never met a bug I didn't like." - Will Rogers 25 "A feature is a bug with seniority." 26 "This time I'm going to get that cwwwazzy ewwwor." - Elmer Fudd A happy villager riding his donkey and singing happily his country rural part of culture songs to reach his happy warm home in hurry to squeeze his rural, will be happy to re-multiply again wife. But Jeeze. what is it a huge Bear blocking his and his donkey's path, no doubt he is demanding something. Due to higher civilization rate of those part of world, Bear says, actually roars = I will eat you both, you and your donkey. Villager thinks his well built, slightly dump but very adorable in bed wife, and says = C'mon don't eat us what did we do to you ? Besides I can feed you rest of your life and ...such things. Bargaining period takes a while, thank to villagers believable words and credibility, bear changes his mind. Says = I will not eat you BUT I will screw you both. Villager, tired from long lasting agreement period says well ok than, but don't forget you will free us after you screw us. Bear doesn't wanna lose a moment and screws donkey first. Then asks villager to take of his clothes for a happier screwing. Villager says OK. You will screw me now, but I have a question for ya, I am so curious about it. WHY did you screw the donkey first, not me ? Bear says = If I would screw you first she would run away, escape, silly. Rules of Bedroom Golf ===================== 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Course play must be approved by owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole while keeping the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a stiff shaft. The course owner is permitted to check shaft stiffness prior to play. 5. The course owner reserves the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to replay the course. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the course immediately upon arrival. The experienced player will "walk the course" to properly locate the well formed bunkers, hills and valleys, and determine a course strategy. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses played recently. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear to insure safe play. 10. Players should insure that the match has been scheduled properly, particularly when playing a new course for the first time. Avoid discovering another is playing a public course that was considered to be private. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Inexperienced players may be embarrassed to discover a course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful at this point. More advanced players will find alternative means of play. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner is the sole scorekeeper and determines the best player. 16. Players are advised to think twice before considering exclusive membership at given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many advanced players prefer to play a variety of available courses. 52 Good reasons why Beer is Better than Women! ! ! ! 1. You can enjoy a beer all night long. 2. Beer stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine beer. 4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football. 5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out. 6. Beer is never late. 7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 8. Hangovers go away 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer. 11. Beer never has a headache. 12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer. 14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head. 15. A beer goes down easy. 16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty. 17. You can share a beer with your friends. 18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer. 19. Beer is always wet. 20. Beer doesn't demand equality. 21. You can have a beer in public. 22. A beer doesn't care when you come. 23. A frigid beer is a good beer. 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. 25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. - 26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer. 27. When your interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason. 28. A beer is always satisfying. - 29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it. 30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun. 31. A beer does not come with in-laws. _ 32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good. 33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box. 34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak. 35. Beer doesn't complain about farting. 36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom. 37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party. 38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you bought. 39. Beer won't drive you to drink. _ 40. You can shoot a beer. 41. A beer chaser is easier to catch. 42. You don't need a license to live with a beer. 43. A tree is good enough for a beer. - 44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't. 45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn. 46. Beer and "ice" don't mix. - 47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation - it goes along happily. 48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it. 49. Beer is happy to ride in the truck of your car. 50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning. 51. Beer never complains about a wet spot. 52. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight. Bill Gates is at this party and it lasts to past lam and like all computer people who stay up late he gets hungry. He says, "Hey! How about us calling out for pizza?" The people he is with are somewhat taken aback (he has all these bucks, shouldn't he have some more class), but agree. So he calls the take out pizza place. He comes back crestfallen. "They don't deliver after lam." he says. His friends say, "Uhhh, Bill, you forgot. You have all this MONEY. How much is that pizza worth to you?" Bill stands there a minute then says, "I'll call again." He picks up the phone and gets them on the line and says, "This is Bill Gates and it's worth $252 for you to bring me pizza." He got his pizza FAST. mummy, mummy Yesterday I met a man that told me that if I give him a blow job he would buy THESE shoes for me. Bumper sticker seen (on a trashed out pick-up): "My kid beat up your honor student" It was a Friday afternoon in an elementary classroom and being just after lunch the children were getting a bit restless. So the teacher decided to play a game which would get the childrens' attention. "We are going to play a game," the teacher said, "I will quote someone from history and whoever can tell me who made the statement and when they made it, I will allow that student to be excused from school on Monday." So the class comes to attention. "Who said 'Ask not ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"' asked the teacher. All of the students just sat and stared at the teacher. Every one of them dumbfounded by the question. A few moments later, a little Japanese boy in the back of the class said, "President John F. Kennedy,1968. "That's right, Yakomoto," said the teacher. "Now aren't the rest of you ashamed that none of you American children knew the answer and that a Japanese boy did?" So the teacher turns around and starts walking towards the chalkboard. "Fuck the Japanese," exclaims one of the other children! "Who said that?" asks the teacher. A little boy in the middle of the room stands up and says, "Lee Iacoccoa, 1988.... ...and I'll see you on Tuesday!" Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight." Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PRlME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place. He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit f1oating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions. Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight", he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on." Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?" They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analysing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to see my benchmark routine', but Mini was again one step ahead. Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM", she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempt an escape sequence. "No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!" "Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged. "But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested. "Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt." _ "No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy." Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned oi But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, where upon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep. Computers! , she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!" How about.. Call up a bar is Al there? - Al who Al Coholic IS there an ALCOHOLIC here?? - Courtesy of the Simpsons... Same situation, also by you-know-who. Is Homer there? Homer who? Homer Sexual. Is there a Homersexual here? Come on guys, I'm sure one of you is Homersexual. She offered her honor He honoured her offer And all night long He was only and offer. *** CHEMISTRY UPDATE *** A recent discovery of an element has taken place for the periodic table. The chemical element known as WOMAN (syznbol Wo) has an atomic weight of 120 (isotopic) and certain other characteristics. It is found wherever man is. It can freeze at any time, melts when properly treated, and is bitter when not used well. It is seldom found in the free state. Wo is generally roundish in form and boils at 0 degrees Celcius. It is very active, possessing a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. However, it undergoes violent reaction when left alone. It is able to absorb great quantities of food as well as energy. It turns green or red when placed beside a better looking specimen and seems to age rapidly. The element is highly ornamental and useful. It equalizes the distribution of wealth and is probably the most powerful income agent known. This element should be respected as it is highly EXPLOSIVE when in inexperienced hands. What is the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? The car salesman can probably drive. What's red all over and silver? A skin-peeled baby with forks in its eyes. One bright day, in the middle of the night, Two dead boys stood up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot one another A deaf policeman heard the noise, Came and killed the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie it true, Ask the blind man, he saw it too. Dracula met Frankenstein in the street one day. Drackie says to Frankie; "You know, you're better than all my friends put together....... Come to think of it, you ARE all my friends put together!" scalpel.....sutures......clamp......ooopss......pen.......death certificate.... Seen on license plate frame: All dumbs are not blonde! The Evolution of a programmer. High school/Jr. High 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 20 END First year in college program Hello (input, output); begin writeln ('Hello world'); end Senior year in college (defun hello (print (cons 'HELLO (list 'WORI.D)))) New professional #include main (argc,argv) int argc; char **argv; { printf ("Hello World!\n"); . } Seasoned pro #include const int MAXLEN = 80; class outstring; class outstring { private: int size; char str[MAXLEN]; -- public: outstring() { size=0; } ~outstring() {size=0;} void print(); void assign(char *chrs); }; void outstring::print() { int i; for (i=0 ; i< size ; i++) cout << str[i]; cout << "\n"; } _ void outstring::assign(char *chrs) { int i; for (i=0; chrs[i] !='\0';i++) str[i) = chrs[i]; size=i; } main (int argc, char **argv) { outstring string; string.assign("Hello World!"); string.print(); } Manager /* George, I need a program to output a string "Hello World!" */ One fag called another on the telephone: "Oh hi Morns, this is Boris. Can I come over?" "Oh not now Boris, I'm busy". (extended pause) "But you can't be. You're talking to me!". A team of astronauts landed on a planet inhabited by some strange creatures. It took them a little while to learn to communicate, but after ` they did, both sides were very interested in learning about the other's lifestyle. Naturally, the question of reproduction came up early in the discussion. The aliens showed the astronauts through a greenhouse-like building where they grew their babies, then asked how the earth people do it. It was a mixed crew, and so, in the interest of science, two of the astronauts proceeded to demonstrate. After the demonstration, the spokesman for the aliens looked puzzled and said, "Well, where's the new earth man?". The astronaut explained patiently that nothing happened immediately, but that one had to wait for the specified time interval. The alien still looked puzzled, so the astronaut asked, "What don't you understand?". The alien scratched his head and said, "Well, if it takes so long, how come you were in such a hurry there at the end?". A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you can't have any honey for two weeks!". Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you can't have any butter for two weeks!". When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor. The mother ran over and stomped on it. The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?". It happened during world war two. A pilot was shot down somewhere over the South Pacific. He ditched his plane in the water, got into his little rubber boat, and paddled over to an island which happened to be nearby. When he landed, he found a number of other pilots who had also been shot down, some of them having been there for some time. One of them first things he asked was, "What do you guys do for girls?". One of the replied, "Oh, no problem. There's another island just a little ways off that's covered with wild sheep. Every now and then we paddle over there, and that - takes care of the problem. Next time, why don't you come along?". He answered back, "Forget it. I don't go for that sort of thing". Well, time passed. Every time they went over to the other island, they invited him along, but he kept refusing. Eventually, things got pretty desperate. The next time a bunch went over, he said, "Oh what the heck! ", and went along. As they landed on the other island, each guy (including our hero) jumped out of the boat, grabbed himself a sheep, and began to make love to it. As our hero was thus occupied, he noticed some of the other guys snickering and pointing fingers at him. Understandably, he got quite upset and said to one of them. "All right, What's so damned funny?". The other replied, "Hah hah! You picked the ugliest one on the whole island!". Nothing wrong with sheep, of course. It's just that you have to run around the front every time you want to kiss them. At the time of the Falkland Islands war, it was said that the invading British force was the first army in history to go ashore wearing hip boots. A lady stuck her head in the door of a barbershop and asked, "Bob Peters here?". The barber answered, "No lady, just shaves and haircuts". A very fancy lady went to the doctor complaining that she was passing a great deal of gas. She told the doctor, "It doesn't make any noise or odour, but it's very embarrassing because I entertain a lot, and I know I'm doing it". The doctor gave her some pills and told her to come back in a week. When she came back, she was furious. "What on earth did you give me?", she asked, "I'm passing as much gas as I ever was, only now the smell is overpowering!". The doctor replied, "Oh good. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses maybe we can do something about your hearing". A fellow had been stranded on an island since he was a young boy. One day a girl washed up on the beach. They got to talking, and she asked, "How have you managed to survive?". He said, "Oh, I pick coconuts, I fish, I dig for clams". She said, "What do you do for sex?". He replied, "What's that?". She said, "I'll show you", and so she did. Afterwards, he sat down and began to cry. She asked, "What's the matter? Didn't you like it?". He said, "(sob) (sob) You ruined my clam digger! ". The police department of a small coastal community hired a beautiful, but dumb secretary. Naturally all the junior officers had dreams of empire. Several of them took her out, but none of them were able to get anywhere. Finally, the chief got tired of watching them struggle, and said to them, "All right you amateurs, I'll show you how a real pro does it. I'll take her out in the boat and just to make you suffer, I'm going to leave the radio turned on so you can listen". So he took her out in the Department's boat, and he wasn't getting much of anywhere. Trying to keep his cool, he suggested that they should have some lunch. So he took out a sandwich, and being somewhat flustered dropped it in the bottom of the boat. He picked it up and dusted it off to which the young lady asked, "Are you going to eat that dirty old thing?". To which he replied, "Say ham sandwich, dammit, say ham sandwich!". FLY IN THE SOUP "Waiter, what's that fly doing in my soup?" "I think it's the backstroke, sir." "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "I'm not surprised, sir, our chef used to be a tailor." JUST BAD it seems there was this fellow who was caught killing a california condor. he was brought before a judge who was known to be a staunch conservationist. the judge in sentencing him said, "i'm going to throw the book at you. there are only twenty-two of these creatures left on this planet. you will serve five years in the state penitentiary, which is the maximum the law allows." the fellow looked up at the judge and exclaimed, "your honor, i have two small children and when i killed that condor they hadn't eaten in three days." the judge said, "why wasn't i told about this? these are clearly extenuating circumstances. a man has an obligation to feed his family. this case is dismissed." as the man was walking out of the courtroom, now a free man, the judge asked him, "by the way, sir, just out of curiosity, what does a california _ condor taste like anyway?" the fellow thought a minute and then he said, "well, your honor, it tastes kind of like a cross between a baby seal and a bald eagle." A young farm lad went away to college. To fit in with the crowd, the first thing he did was to grow a beard. When it had reached a suitable length, he sent a picture of himself home with a note saying: "How do you like my beard? Don't you think it makes me look like a count?" The father wrote back: "Son, your mother and I are very disappointed. We spent a lot of money sending you to school, and now we find out you can't even spell". Q. What's the difference between a bull dike and a whale? A. 25 lbs. and a Pannel shirt. A man who worked as a human cannonball decided to quit his job. He told his boss that he wanted to quit. The boss was dismayed. "You can't quit", he said. "Where would I ever find another man of your calibre?". A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark! ". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip. A millionaire wanted an original painting for his mansion, so he commissioned a surrealist artist to paint him one. The subject he chose was "Custer's Last Stand", but he cautioned the artist that he wanted something really unique, not the sort of thing one could see in any post office. The artist assured him that it would be so, and went to work. For a long time he laboured in secret, and finally came the day of the great unveiling. All the rich guests were there, champagne was poured, and the curtain was drawn back. To his dismay, the millionaire saw in the middle of the picture a figure which was obviously General Custer. On his left was a fish with a halo around its head, while on his right was a vast field of cotton in which Indians were working. The millionaire took the artist aside, and apologizing for his ignorance of art, asked what the painting might mean. The artist replied, "Well you can see General Custer there. He's saying to himself, 'Holy mackerel! Look at those cotton-pickin' Indians!"'. [This is the expurgated version. In the real version the Indians are occupied in a somewhat different manner.] Q. Why don't they play poker in Brooklyn? A. Because the Cards are in St. Louis. A man was having a problem of a personal nature, so he went to a doctor. The doctor examined him and said, "You have what we call Hong Kong dong. All we can do is amputate. The man said, "Forget it!" and went to another doctor. The second doctor said the same thing. He went to two or three more doctors, and they all said the same thing. Finally, in desperation, he reasoned that if anyone in the world knew how to cure Hong Kong dong, he was probably in Hong Kong. So he got on an aeroplane and flew to Hong Kong where he looked up the best doctor in town. The doctor, an old Chinese, examined him and said, "Ah yes, you have Hong Kong dong". The man exploded, "Dammit, I know I have Hong Kong dong. Just tell me if you have to amputate". The doctor replied, "Oh no, not have to amputate. Another week, him drop on by self'. A man went to Africa to collect gorillas for a zoo. He had heard of a native who was an expert gorilla hunter, but had been warned that he should bargain carefully, because the natives had a tendency to include something for most of their relatives in the price. So he located the hunter and sure enough was told that he would have to pay extra for the hunter's son to come along with a gun and also for his dog. The man said that he could perhaps understand why the son should come along, but did not see why he should also pay for the dog. The hunter simply explained that they worked as a team, and that was the only way he would work. So in view of the hunter's reputation, the man agreed to the terms, and they set out into the brush. Pretty soon, they came upon a likely looking specimen. The hunter chased the gorilla up a tree and went right up after him. There was a tremendous commotion in the branches, and then the gorilla fell out of the tree. The dog immediately leaped on him and grabbed him savagely by the testicles rendering him quite helpless. So they put the gorilla in a cage and went on. Somewhat later they came upon an even better specimen. The hunter chased the gorilla up a tree and went right up after him. There was a tremendous commotion in the branches, and then the gorilla fell out of the tree. The dog immediately leaped on him and grabbed him savagely by the testicles rendering him quite helpless. So they put the gorilla in a cage and went on. Later still they came upon a truly magnificent specimen. The hunter chased him up a tree and went right up after him. There was a really God-awful commotion in the branches, and finally the hunter fell out of the tree. As he fell he shouted, "Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!". [Yeah, I know: "Old Blue was the best coon hound in all them hills. A farmer went to the doctor complaining that his sex life was not what it should be. So the doctor gave him some pills, but warned him that they were still experimental, and that he should be extremely careful in their use. The farmer thanked him and left. Quite a while later, they met on the street, and the doctor asked the farmer how the pills had worked out. The farmer replied, "Oh, I never took none of those. You know, you said to be careful, so when I went home I · gave one of them to one of my bulls. Well that animal just went crazy. He jumped three cows, ran across the pasture, broke through the fence, then fell down the ravine and broke his fool neck. No sir, I never took none of _ them. I just threw'em down the well". The doctor asked with a shocked look, "Good heavens! You're not drinking the water, are you?" The farmer replied, "Nope, I can't even get the pump handle down". A fellow named Wright had been charged with murder and was on trial for his life. A couple who knew him well had sat through the whole trial, and when the case finally went to the jury, they decided to go home to wait for . the verdict. It was a hot, muggy day, so as soon as they got home, the man went in to take a shower while his wife turned on the radio to listen for news. Just as he was getting out of the shower, there was a bulletin that Wright had been acquitted. So the woman ran into the bathroom and announced, "They're not hanging Wright!" With a sigh of disgust, the man replied, "Nag! nag!". Three slightly deaf Englishmen were driving along in a car when they came to a small town. "I say, is this Wembly?", said one. "Naw, it's Thursday", said the second. "So am I. Let's stop and 'ave one", said the third. Q. What is the definition of rape? A. Assault with a lively weapon. Q. What is rape by a 90 year old man? A. Assault with a dead weapon. "Say have you seen my new dog?" "Spitz?" "No, but he drools a little." Two little old ladies were walking through the park one Sunday afternoon. The band was playing a catchy sounding tune, and one of the old ladies said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is". The other one noticed a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the names of their selections. I'll go down and see". A while later she came back and told her companion, "It's the Refrain from Spitting". Q. What's the worst thing about having AIDS? A. Convincing your parents that you are really Haitian. Two bulls were standing in one corner of a pasture, while in the opposite corner were a steer and several cows. The steer and the cows were talking and laughing and having a wonderful time. One of the bulls said to the other, "I don't know what they see in that guy. He's such a bore!". "Yeah", agreed the other, "All he ever talks about is his operation". LIGHT BULBS Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two - One to screw it in, the other not to screw it in. Q. How many Psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Only one, but it must really want to be screwed in. Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None (I'll sit in the dark). Q. How many yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Yuppies screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs. Q. How many psychologists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. The light bulb did not want to change. LITTLE JOHNNY The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?". She said, " Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's three and three". He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?". She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five". He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?". Little Johnny had a terribly foul mouth. His teacher was very reluctant to call on him because he would invariably say something rotten. One day she was having a spelling exercise. She said, "All right, children, can anyone spell a word beginning with A?". Several hands went up including Johnny's, but she called on someone else: " All right Mary, can you spell a word beginning with A?". Little Mary replied, "A-N-T, ant". "That's very good, Mary, A-N-T, ant". Then she asked, "Can any one spell a word beginning with B?". Again, several hands went up including Johnny's, but she called on someone else: "All right, Richard, can you spell a word beginning with B?". Little Richard replied, "B-E-E, bee". "That's very good, Richard, B-E-E, bee". And so it went down through the alphabet. Every letter, Johnny had his hand up, but she called on someone else. Finally, she got to the letter R. She asked, "Can anyone spell a word beginning with R?". You guessed it. Only one hand went up. She thought "Well, I've got to call on him", so she tried to think of a dirty word beginning with R. Not being able to think of one, she said, "All right, Johnny, can you spell a word beginning with R?" Johnny replied, "R-A-T, rat". The teacher thought, "Boy, I lucked out on that one!" and said, "That's very good, Johnny, R-A-T, rat". Johnny replied, gesturing, "Yeah, with a cock about so long!". PRIEST/MINISTER/RABBI Father Kelly went to the dentist for some minor work. As he left, he asked about the bill, and the dentist said, "No charge, Father, happy to do it for a man of the cloth." Next day the priest came back bringing the dentist a rosary as a token of appreciation. Some time later, Reverend Jones came by for some work. As he left, he asked about the bill, and the dentist said, "No charge, Reverend, happy to do it for a man of the cloth." Next day the minister came back bringing the dentist a bible as a token of appreciation. Later still, Rabbi Ginzburg came in for some work. As he left, he asked about the bill, and the dentist said, "No charge, Rabbi, happy to do it for a man of the cloth." Next day the rabbi came back bringing another rabbi. A priest and a rabbi had a tremendous rivalry going, each going to extremes of piety to impress the other. It just happened that both of them got new cars at the same time. It also happened that they both drove into a gas station at the same time. The priest went to put some water in the radiator, and made a great show of making a blessing over the car while doing so. The rabbi said nothing, but quietly reached into the trunk of his car, took out a hacksaw, and cut the end off the exhaust pipe. A priest and a rabbi happened to sit together on an airliner. During the trip they discussed the finer points of theology. As they were about to land, there was an announcement on the PA system that the landing gear was stuck, and that they should prepare for a crash landing. As the airplane skidded to a stop, everyone piled out through the emergency exits, and the priest noticed the rabbi crossing himself. As they picked themselves up off the ground, the priest said to the rabbi, "Let me be the first to congratulate you. I see that in this moment of danger, the Lord has brought you to the true faith!". The rabbi replied, "What are you talking about?". The priest said, "Well didn't I just see you crossing yourself?". "Heck no"' said the rabbi, " I was just checking to see that I had everything. I said to myself, 'Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch". POLITICAL Q. Why don't congressmen use bookmarks? A. Because they prefer bent over pages. Johnson, Nixon and Kennedy were riding together in a car when they came upon a group of civil rights marchers. Johnson said, " I think we should stop and say a few words to these people". Nixon said, "Oh, f_ all of them!". Kennedy said, "Do we have time?". PSYCHIATRISTS It had been a long day, and a psychiatrist was just about to close up his office, when a man entered the waiting room. About this time, the last thing he needed was one more kook, but he invited the man in. As he entered, he took off his hat revealing a frog sitting on top of his head. "Oh, no! ", thought the psychiatrist, "I don't need this", but maintaining his professional decorum, he asked, "What is your problem?". The frog replied, "Well Doctor, it all started when I noticed this wart on my ass..." One psychiatrist meets another on the street. He says, "You're fine, how am I?". RACIAL/ETHNIC There were these two men drinking together in a bar. One was of Chinese extraction, the other Jewish. After a few drinks, the Jew hit the Asian to the Poor. After picking himself up, the man asked, "What was that for?". The Jew said, "That was for Pearl Harbour." The Chinese man said, "But that was the Japanese, and I'm Chinese!" The Jewish man said, "Japanese - Chinese, What the Hay?" After a few more drinks, the Chinese man decks the Jew and says, "That's for the sinking of the Titanic!" After picking himself up, the man says, "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg." The Chinese man says, "Iceberg - Goldberg, What the Hay?" Q. Why was the casualty rate so high among black GIs in Vietnam? A. Because every time somebody hollered, "Get down!", they all started singing and dancing. Q. Why do Mexicans lower their cars? A. So they can pick lettuce without getting out. Q. Why do the Mexicans have those little-bitty steering wheels? A. So they can drive with handcuffs on. The fellow who was half Mexican, half Polish: He painted graffiti on chain-link fences. An Englishman's wife had died. Somewhat later, he met a friend who said, "I'm sorry to hear that your wife passed away". The Englishman being rather deaf; he said, "What did you say?". The friend repeated, louder, "I'm sorry to hear that you buried your wife". The Englishman replied quietly, "I had to, old fellow. She was dead, y' know". Tony had not been outside of New York City since he got off the boat. One day he took a notion to get on a train and go to visit his son and daughter-in-law who lived in Miami. When he arrived, his son picked him up at the train station. "How was the train ride, Dad?", he asked. "No ", the old man replied, "They no letcha do nuthin on a train". "What do you mean, 'They no letcha do nuthin'?", the son asked. The father explained: "Im-a sittin on-a the train for a long-a time. Pretty soon, Im-a get hungry, so Im-a take out some-a salami an some-a bread. The conductor he come-a by an say, 'If-a you wanna eat, you gotta go down to the dining-a car'. I no want no trouble, so I put it away. Pretty soon Im-a get thirsty, so I take-a out my jug an have a little vino. The conductor come-a by an say, 'If a you wanna drink you gotta go down to the bar car'. Well I no want no trouble, so I go down to the bar car. While Im in-a the bar car, I meet a nice-a girl. One-a thing an another an pretty soon we o down to her compartment. Things are just-a gettin really nice when the damn-a conductor come-a by an holler, 'No-fok-a Virginia! No-fok-a Virginia!"'. A black man, a Jew, and an Italian were riding in the same compartment on a European train. A fly flew into the compartment. It flew around the black man's face for a while and was waved off. It Rew around the Jew's face for a while and was again shooed off. It flew around the Italian's face for a while when the man, taking careful aim, caught it and immediately popped it into his mouth. Pretty soon, a second fly flew into the compartment. It flew around the black man's face for a while and was waved off. It flew around the Jew's face for a while and was again shooed off. It Rew around the Italian's face for a while when the man, taking careful aim, caught it and immediately popped it into his mouth. After a while, a third fly Bew into the compartment. It flew around the black man's face for a while and was waved off. It Rew around the Jew's face for a while. Then, taking careful aim, he grabbed it and, turning to the Italian, said, "Do you want to buy a fly?". A Scotsman's little boy fell into the river and was drowning. A man who happened to be walking by saw the boy's plight and jumped in and rescued him. Thinking it was no big thing, he then went home. A short time later, he got a phone call from the Scotsman who asked if he was the man who had saved his son. The man said that he was, whereupon the Scotsman asked him to come over to his house. Assuming that he was going to get a reward, he was rather embarrassed, but agreed to go to the Scotsman's house. When he got there, he identified himself and modestly began to explain than it was really not a big thing. But without waiting for an explanation the Scotsman looked him in the eye and said, Well, where's his hat . Q. What do you call ten Jewish women in a basement? A. A whine cellar. A column of Italian soldiers was marching through the woods when they came to a small stream that they had to cross. As they approached the stream, they began to get sniper fire from the other side. So they fell back and sent out a scout to go downstream a ways, cross the river, and get rid of the sniper. They waited - and waited - and waited. They had just about given him up for lost when suddenly there was an incredible crashing through the brush. It was the scout in total panic. As he got within earshot, he screamed, "Run for your lives! It's a trap! There's two of them!". Of course, there's the one about the team of Italian astronauts who were planning a mission to the sun. Someone asked, "How are you going to keep from burning up?". "No problem", replied the astronaut, "We'll go at night". An Englishman was rowing on the Thames one Sunday afternoon when he dropped his oars into the water. As the poor fellow was drifting helplessly out to sea, he happened to come across another boat in which were a guy and a couple of girls. He hollered over to the guy, "Say mite, lend me one o' yer oars!". The fellow hollered back, "They ain't 'ores! It's me wife and sister!". There was a big medical convention at a plush resort located on a lake in upstate New York. Monday and Tuesday the doctors held their learned sessions. Wednesday was a free day, so all the doctors went fishing on the lake. Each had brought along his favourite bait. There was the throat specialist who had a jar full of tonsils that he had removed. Another had pieces of stomachs. Yet another had old appendixes that he had removed. And so it went. None of them was catching anything but a cold, except for one fellow who was off by himself in one corner of the lake. He was hauling in fish as if there were no tomorrow. One of the doctors who had been watching this for some time finally paddled over to the guy in frustration and said, "Excuse me Doctor, but I simply have to ask what on earth you are using for bait". The fellow replied in a heavy Jewish accent, "All right, so who's a doctor?". An Italian guy came over from the old country and went to Southern California. First thing he did was to get a silver ice bucket and some expensive wines. Then he set himself up on the beach and waited for the girls to arrive. Nobody paid a bit of attention to him. Meanwhile, he noticed the local lifeguard. who had girls swarming all over him. So he went over and asked the lifeguard how come he wasn't getting anywhere. The lifeguard said, "Look man, this is Southern California. You gotta get with the program. First you build up your muscles and get a real good tan. Then you get a skimpy pair of Bikini briefs. Then you get a medium sized potato and put it in the briefs. Then stroll up and down the beach and see what happens". The Italian followed the instructions. He signed up at the local health spa, worked out on the weights, and spent his time under the sun lamp. Then he got himself a pair of skimpy Bikini briefs, put a potato in the briefs, and hit the beach. No results. Quite the contrary, every time he walked passed a couple of girls they turned away in obvious disgust, "Gross! Disgusting!". So he went back to the lifeguard and asked him how come he still wasn't getting anywhere. The lifeguard took one look at him and said in dismay, "Oh, no! You got the potato in the wrong side!". Q. How do you keep an Englishman happy in his old age? A. You tell him jokes when he's young. Q. What are the three most dangerous things in the world? A. An Italian with brains, a Polack with money, and a Greek wearing tennis shoes. Q. Why don't black people marry Mexicans? A. They are afraid the children would be too lazy to steal. From LA: Q. What's the fastest thing on two wheels? A. An Arab on a bicycle going down Fairfax Avenue. Q. What's the definition of mass confusion? A. Fathers and Sons Day in Harlem. There's also the one about the rock band that was banned from performing in Israel. They called themselves "The Four Skins". The Irishman who didn't have sense enough to come in out of the rain: Paddy O'Furniture. Two black dudes were standing in front of a Synagogue, when they heard the sound of a horn from inside. One of them said, "Man, dig dat crazy horn! ". Pretty soon someone came out, and the dude says, "Man, what's dat crazy horn we heard in dere?". The man replied, "That was the rabbi blowing the Shofar". The dude turns to his buddy and says, "Man, dey sho' treats de help good around here!". Q. How do you tell who the Irishman is on an oil drilling platform? A. He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters. Q. There are 100 Irishmen in a room. What is the sum of their IQ's? A. 101- One of them is the Prime Minister. Alternate version: Q. What has an IQ of 102? A. Dublin. Q. What's a level-headed Irishman? A. One that dribbles out of both sides of his mouth. Q. How do you identify an Italian airliner? A. It has hair under the wings. A man suffered a cardiac arrest and was effectively dead. After a while, they managed to revive him, and someone asked, "What was it like to be dead?". He replied, "Oh, I visited heaven, and then I visited hell". "What was heaven like?", asked the questioner. "It was sort of like Europe", said the man. "What do you mean, 'It was like Europe'?". "Well, all the chefs were French, all the car mechanics were German, all the watchmakers were Swiss, all the lovers were Italian, and all the cops were English". Then the questioner asked, "What was hell like?". The man replied, "It was sort of like Europe, too". "What do you mean, 'It was like Europe too'?". "Well, all the chefs were English, all the car mechanics were Italian, all the watchmakers were Polish, all the lovers were Greek, and all the cops were German". A French couple were in bed making love when the telephone rang. "You get it, dear", he said, "It's at your end". A black guy was walking down the street hawking to pee something awful. There was no place to go, but he happened to notice a house under construction. They were in the process of putting on the roof, so there was nobody inside. When he thought no one was looking, he sneaked inside the house, went into a corner, and began to take care of the problem. Just then, the foreman walked in, saw him and said, "Hey do you work here?" The black guy replied, "No, man." The foreman said to him, "Well then, put down that roll of roofing paper and get out of here!". Q. What does Pontiac stand for? A. Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac. Q. Why do Jews have big noses? A. Because air is free. Q. What does a Jewish dirty old man say? A. You wanna buy a piece of candy, little girl? Q. French women prefer which American car? A. The Os mobile. · RELIGIOUS Q. Why don't Baptists make love standing up? A. Because people might think they were dancing. A Jewish couple had worked very hard to send their only son to college. When the young man came home after his first year, the first thing he said to his father was, "Guess what, Dad. I'm going to be a Christian!" The father was crushed. Not knowing where to turn, he went down to talk to Sam the tailor. "Sam, what should I do?", he asked. "I work hard all my life to send my son to college, and first thing he says is he wants to be a Christian". Sam replied, "You know, that's a familiar story. I had a son too. I worked hard to send him to college, and the first thing he told me was he wanted to be a Christian. What can I tell you?" . So he went down to talk to the Rabbi. "Rabbi, what should I do?", he asked. "I work hard all my life to send my son to college, and first thing he says is he wants to be a Christian". The Rabbi replied, "You know , that's a familiar story. I had a son too. I worked hard to send him to college, and the first thing he told me was he wanted to be a Christian. What can I tell you?" . So he went up to the mountain top to pray. "Lord, what should I do?" , he asked. "I work hard all my life to send my son to college, and first thing he says is he wants to be a Christian". The mountain top was flooded with light, and a voice of thunder said, "You know, that's a familiar story...". ROMAN CATHOLICS Two leprechauns went up to a convent and knocked on the door. When the sister answered, one of the leprechauns said, "Sister, do you have any leprechaun nuns here?" The sister replied that they did not. So he asked , "Well are there any leprechaun nuns in the area?" She replied that she did not know of any. He persisted, " Well are there any leprechaun nuns in the whole world?" She said she did not know but didn't think so. Whereupon his companion turned to him and said, "Sure and I told you were screwin' a penguin!" A man went to confession and confessed that he had made love twelve times in one night. Father asked him if he had been with someone else's wife. The man said, "No, it was my own wife". Father said, "Well, you don't have to confess that". The man replied, " I know, but I had to tell somebody!". Why are men luckier than cucumber? - A man don't fit in a food processor - A man only gets circumcise once (cucumber often gets multiple cuts) - A cucumber doesn't have hands when it's desperate - A man can compact his to travel size - A man can say 'No, not you I won't' - A man can say 'No, not tonight we won't' - Teeth mark on a man will heal - A man is still whole after being eaten - A man can survive more than one woman - A man is no longer a green-horn after sex - There are no female cucumbers ! William Safire's Rules for Writers 1. Remember to never split an infinitive. 2. The passive voice should never be used. 3. Do not put statements in the negative form. 4. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 5. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. 6. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and edited. 7. A writer must not shift your point of view. 8. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 9. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) 10. Don't overuse exclamation marks! ! ! ! ! ! ! 11. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. 12. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 13. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linked verb is. 14. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 15. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 16. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with a singular nouns in their writing. 17. Always pick on the correct idiom. 18. The adverb always follows the verb. 19. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. The Chief Executive Officer determined that certain policies must be changed. So he decreed new rules. The workers saw the rules and said to the supervisor, "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh beyond tolerance." And the supervisor told the manager, "It is a container of manure (sp?) and the workers cannot tolerate it." And the manager told the director, "It is that which fertilizes, and its strength is very strong." And the director told the vice president, "It promotes growth and is extremely strong." And the vice president told the president, "It strongly promotes growth." And the president said, "It is good and we will do it!" THE SHIT LIST Ghost Shit -- You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet. Teflon Coated Shit -- Comes out so slick, clean, and easy that you don't even feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look for the shit in the toilet to be sure you did it. Gooey Shit -- This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in you underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. Second Thought Shit -- You're all done wiping you ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it... you've got to shit more. Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit -- This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It just doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard. Richard Simmons Shit -- You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds. Right Now Shit -- You better be within 30 seconds a toilet. Usually it has it's head out before you get your pants down. Green Shit -- Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad. King Kong or Commode Choker Shit -- This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. Cork Shit -- (Also known as Floaters) Even after the third Push, it's still floating in there. My God! How do I get rid of it?! This shit also usually happens at someone else's house. Wet Cheeks Shit -- This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass all wet. Wish Shit -- You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit. Cement Block Shit or Oh God! Shit -- You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit. Snake Shit -- This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least 3 feet long. Mexican Food Shit -- (Also Called Screamers) You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning. Beer Drunk Shit -- This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD! Usually there's someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house. Ladies and Gentlemen: I stand before and sit behind you To tell you of something I know nothing about. Their will be a meeting tomorrow morning, right after lunch To decide what color to whitewash the church. There will be plenty of seats, so sit on the floor. There will be plenty of food, so bring some more. Somewhat similar: Ladels and Jellyspoons, I come before you to stand behind you To tell you something I know nothing about. . Next Thursday, the day after Friday, There will be a Mothers Meeting for fathers only. Entrance is free, you pay at the door, There is plenty of seating, so you can sit on the floor. You know you live in a small town when : ....Even a 4 year old can tear the phone book. ....You turn on your oven, & the street lights dim. ....Everyone reads the newspaper to see if the reporter got it right. ....the water tower is made by Dixie Cup .. the "Welcome To" and "Thanks For Visiting" signs are mounted on the same pole ....everybodies phone number has only 1 digit ....the only traffic light in town is at a cattle crossing ....this years United Way drive netted a record $1.75 in contributions JOY RIDE (adapted from Sleigh Ride) Just hear those machines guns rattling, rat-tat-tattling too. Come on, it's lovely weather for a joy ride together with you. Outside the night is falling and thugs are calling "yoo-hoo". Come on, it's lovely weather for a joy ride together with you. Stick'em. Stick'em. Stick'em. Let's go. Hand over your dough. Get'em. Get'em. Get'em. Both hands! This shouldn't take long. We'll finish this song with blasts from my one piece band. My gun is quite a dooey, 'cause it's an uzi, you see. We smuggle drugs together, 'like killing fuzz and debtors for free. Let's take that road before us and shoot a tourist or two. Come on, it's lovely weather for a joy ride together with you. Q: What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." Q: Why does a sorority girl wear underwear? A: To keep her ankles warm. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce? A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet? A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to. A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball. A4: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. Q: How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike? A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girls and hookers? A: Sorority girls cost less per score. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant? A: About 40 pounds. Q2: How do you equalize the two? A2: Feed the elephant. Q: What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning? A1: Introduces herself. A2: Walks home. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic? A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm? A: She drops her nail file. Q: What's a sorority girls favourite wine? A: "Daaaaaaady, I want to go to Mi-ammmmmmi." Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape? A: Don't know. There's only so much an ape can be forced to do. Q: Why is a sorority girl like a door knob? A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn. Q: How do you get a sorority girl in your bed? A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door, and throw a twinkie on the bed. Q: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage? A: Garbage gets taken out once a week. Q: What do you call a 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba? A: Bay of Pigs. Q: What do you call a sorority girl hang-gliding festival? A: Multiple total eclipses. Q: What is a sorority girls mating call? A: "I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk." Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog? A: Driver's will swerve to miss the dog. Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? A1:1, she holds on to it, and the world revolves around her. A2: 2, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy. A3: 6, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts. A4: 7, one to change it, and six to go out and buy more Diet Pepsi. A5: 65, one to change it, and 64 to sing and clap. Q: Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks? A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country. Q: What three words will a sorority girl never hear? A: "Attention K-mart shoppers." Q: Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex? A: So she can fantasize about shopping. Q: What is a sorority girls favourite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o? A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. Q: What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed? A1: Lake Placid. A2: The Dead Sea. Q: How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac? A: She'll make love the same day she had her hair done. Q: What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth? A: No make-up. Q: How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex? A: Marry her. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth? A1: You need a quarter to use the phone. A2: Only one person can use the phone at once. Q: What's the difference between a sorority and a circus? A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts. Q: How is a sorority girl like a vacuum? A: They both suck. Q2: How are they different? A1: You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it. A2: You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks. A3: When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, it's easy to dump the old bag. A4: A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose. A5: A vacuum cleaner can't suck start a Harley. Q: How do you get four sorority girls on one chair? A1: Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it. A2: Turn the chair over, and put one on each leg. Q: What's the difference between a sorority track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: The tribe of sly pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. Q: What does a sorority girl make for dinner? A: Reservations. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm? A: So her boyfriend will thick he's coming into money. Q: What did thc sorority girl say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a sorority girl? A: A prostitute says, "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says, "You're done already?", and a sorority girl says, "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a sorority girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo." Q: What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street? A: A case of Schlitz. Q: What is foreplay for a sorority girl? A: Thirty minutes of begging. Q: How does a sorority girl commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Misc: l. Tri-delts. I'm sure everyone else has. 2. If your date won't; Tri-delts. 3. Once you've tried everything else; Tri-delts. There once was a Jewish mother, whose son came home one day and announced to his mother that he was marrying a Christian and would become a Christian and no longer be a Jew. His Mom was horrified and went to see her friend. She told the friend, "My son is marrying a Christian and becoming a Christian and he will no longer be a Jew." She said, "Fancy that! That same thing happened to me." So, they went to see their rabbi, who was in sobs when they went into his office. They calmed him down enough to tell him what had happened in their families. The rabbi said, "Fancy that. The same thing happened to me." So they discussed what they could do, and they all agreed that all they - could do would be to pray to G-d. So, they all told G-d their story. And, half way through the story came a booming voice. "Fancy that..." Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done! "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." "How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife." "Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts." "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." "How's life in the fast lane?" "Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson." "Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty." "What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." "How about a beer, Norm?" "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!" "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody." "What's up, Normie?" "My nipples, it's freezing out there." The Canonical List of Banjo Jokes [No Banjo Pickin' Allowed Around Here] preface Below is the much talked about, Canonical List of Banjo Jokes. Much talked about, but never revealed; until now. This presentation is the result of the tireless efforts of an international network of operatives who combed the earth (and beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make sure that this time we had the real thing: the definitive list of banjo jokes. Some withstood torture--and some paid the ultimate price: death. So important was our work that we persevered in spite of the obstacles. Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of caution. Banjo jokes are jokes about banjo players, their music, their instrument, environmentalism, animal rights, human sacrifice, and interplanetary grave robbing. These jokes has never been told in their entirety because they are dangerously funny: no one has ever lived to retell them in their entirety. we had to taken great precautions to safeguard our health while compiling this list: each operative was responsible for a manageable sized module of the jokes (one not to large as to overcome the individual with so much mirth that would cause him/her to die laughing.) As I typed these jokes, I was blindfolded: part of the jokes were related in various, and obscure languages and dialects, other parts written, and still other parts transmitted in Braille or Morse code. Therefore, I caution you to do the following: 1. Under no circumstances should you read any part of these jokes if you have a heart condition, stroke, or high blood pressure. 2. Form a team, and take turns reading sections of these jokes. If you find yourself becoming dizzy, or beginning to lose consciousness, stop immediately. 3. If you have taken recreational drugs within the last 24 hours these jokes may cause serious health complications. 4. (3) is also true for certain prescription drugs. 5. Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in sexual intercourse while reading these jokes. 6. If you have any questions, please consult a physician before attempting to read these jokes. What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)... Chain Saw: ( 1.) a chain saw has a dynamic range. ( 2.) you can turn a chain saw off. ( 3.) South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird. ( 4.) Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley. ( 5.) Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo. ( 6.) Trampoline: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. ( 7.) Uzi: an uzi only repeats forty times. How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five; one to screw it in and four to ( 8.) complain that it's electric. ( 9.) lament about how much they miss the old one. (10.) complain that Earl wouldn't have done it that away. (11.) argue about what year it was made. (12.) argue about how much it costs. (13.) ask what tuning she's using. (14.) stand around and watch. (15.) 10: one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say, "I could have done it better." (16.) none: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb? (17.) All of them are too layed back to bother to change it. (18.) Six: One to change it and five to keep the banjo players >from hogging the light. (19.) How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb? 100: One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it... (20.) What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? drool... (21.) How can you tell if the stage is level? If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth. (22.) Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players? it saves time in the long run. (23.) What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo player run over on the road? You see skid marks in front of the skunk. (24.) What's the difference between a run over skunk and a run over banjo player? The skunk was on it's way to a gig. (25.) How many banjo players does it take to eat an opossum? two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars. (26.) How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? by their names... (27.) What is the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat. (28.) What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? a visitor. What are flaming guitars good for? (29.) Lighting banjos on fire. (30.) Kindling. (31.) Why are banjos better than guitars? they burn longer. (32.) What's the best thing to play on a banjo? a flame-thrower. (33.) What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? Who cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo! (34.) What's the best thing to play on a guitar? Solitaire. (35.) What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians? banjo player /joke talker. (36.) How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door? The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in. (37.) Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on? So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket. (38.) You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination. (39.) Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. (40.) What is the banjo picker's favourite whine? Play Dueling Banjos... (41.) Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple? That's so bass players can understand them too. (42.) Where do banjo players play best? In traffic. (43.) in a galaxy far, far away... (44.) How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?... (45.) What is the most important aspect of banjo joke telling?... timing... (46.) How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded? you don't have to be very good to get people's attention. (47.) What do you say to the banjo player in the 3 piece suit? will the defendant please rise. What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire State Building? (48.) Who Cares... (49.) Applause. (50.) What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand? not enough sand. (51.) What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean? a good start. (52.) What will you never say about a banjo player? that's the banjo player's Porsche. (53.) How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle? shine a light in his ears... (54.) You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish? by adjusting it's scales... (55.) Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors! (56.) Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles. (57.) Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard? so he could park in the handicap zone. (58.) Why did the banjo player cross the road? It was the chicken's day off. (59.) What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune? Their color of course! (60.) How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes? Jump up and down on them... If you get wine, you've got grapes! (61.) I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy." (62.) "Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?" "yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before..." (63.) What's the best / fastest way to tune a banjo? with wirecutters. (64.) Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players? Measles--You can get rid of the Measles. (65.) What should you do if you run over a banjo? back up... (66.) When do banjo songs sound the best? when they're over. (67.) Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players? Because they can't pick on their fiddles. (68.) Why does everyone pick on banjo players? Because it's so easy!!! (69.) Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players... naaaaaah. (70.) There's not much between you and a fool is there? Just a banjo... (71.) Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of obnoxious banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast? (72.) Listener: Can you read music? Banjo player: not enough to hurt my playing. (73.) A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator." (74.) A banjo player walked into a bar... another banjo player walked into the bar... you'd think the second banjo player would have seen what happened to the first banjo player and ducked! [under the bar.] (75.) The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time...) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive? Pete looks at the pontiff amused and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned banjo player to make it up here!!" (76.) Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised to spend some quality time with each one. He asked his first arrival of the day, "Hi! What's your IQ?" "150," he said. "Great," said Peter, as he showed the man in, "we should get together tomorrow and discuss the theory of relativity for a while." He asked the next person, "What's your IQ?" "120," she said. "Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some time with you Wednesday to discuss current world politics." To the third person, he asked, "What's your IQ?" "42," drawled the fellow. "Fantastic!" cried Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody who could help me perform a banjo duet!" (77.) A banjo player goes to his else reunion and meets up with the smartest kid in his class, "Hi, how are you doing? What have you been up to?" he says. "I'm doing experimental brain research at the Salk Institute," replies the smart kid. Then, our hero sees another classmate of his, who Never was very smart. He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How are you doing? I've been meaning to ask you, What type of picks do you use? Heard any good banjo jokes lately..." (78.) Strummin on his ole.... An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together. "I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah..." (79.) A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for fiddle player brain?" "2 dollars an ounce." "How much for mandolin player brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for guitar player brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for banjo player brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is banjo player brain so much more?" "Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" (80.) At a convention of biological science one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched >from mice to banjo players for our experiments?" "Really?" e other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that banjo players are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings." (81.) For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her la "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a banjo player." (82.) Banjo players spend half their lives tuning and the other half playing out of tune. (83.) Banjo pickers: we tune because we care... (84.) I bought mine tuned. (85.) Banjo players play requests by multiple choice not fill in the blank. (86.) "You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose but you can't wipe your banjo oin your pants." (87.) "Anyone can play one of them things--all you need is three fingers and a plastic head" (88.) The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a building--you don't really need one. , (89.) Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing or they'll sink... (90.) "Banjos are to music as Spam is to food..." (91.) "He can't hear you, he's playing his banjo--his brain is disconnected..." (92.) Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! Less Picking! Sounds Great! (93.) Second verse same as the first A little bit faster and a little bit worse (94.) Banjo rap Them Banjo Pickers by Mason Williams How bout their banjo pickers ain't they fine Same damn song for three or four times Them banjo pickers all they know Is Cumberland Gap and doe see doe Them banjo pickers talking bout strings Banjo pegs and other such things Them banjo pickers them poker faced mugs They never do smile they just play Sciuggs You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it (95.) The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo it always comes out so cheerful... (96.) If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play it's folk music otherwise it's bluegrass. (97.) Some people call it Cripple Creek--but they're wrong! (98.) I used to play on tv but my mom said get off or I'd break it! (99.) After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play; however, your neighbours will pay you to stop. (100.) you can either laugh a little faster or I can tell the jokes a little slower... (101.) "The only thing worse than telling banjo jokes is laughing at them!" Glossary banjopourri: [French; banjo + of pourrir, to rot] a stew, mixture, medley, miscellany, or anthology of banjos. Coined from potpourri. stealth banjo player: doesn't have a clue as to how the song goes--tries to hide behind other musicians. symbolic bass: got volunteered to play bass in the band but doesn't want to break a fingernail. zombiegrass: picture a banjo picker standing straight faced under a large cowboy hat. Epilogue I started collecting banjo jokes in August of 1990 while preparing for the Julian Banjo, Fiddle, Guitar & Mandolin Contest. Summertime is the perfect weather for jamming. The New Expression music store had their annual camp out to start the summer off and by August, I hit every bluegrass club meeting in greater San Diego County. Then one night it happened, I was invited to a jam at a friend's house so I grabbed my banjo and a strawberry pie, called another banjo player and invited him to join us and was off Well, there were so many banjo players at the jam that night that one of the bass players started with the banjo jokes (some of which sound a lot like recycled lawyer jokes.) I tried to forget them and failed so I started writing them down but my attempts to regain my sanity were in vain. At least with this I can practice getting the jokes right or just call them off by number. My quest for the perfect banjo joke had begun. The consequences of this have far outreached any expectations I could have had at the time. At every bluegrass club meeting, Julian, and New Expression banjo workshop since I have eagerly interrogated the other banjo players and bluegrassers for new jokes. I asked the band at the pizza parlour before they went on and they started telling jokes in between songs. By then I knew all the answers and my name was becoming synonymous with banjo jokes! I posted my jokes to the folk music and humour news groups of the Usenet electronic computer network which is sent around the world via the National Science Foundation Internet computer network and got a reply from banjo pickers from as far away as England and Scotland. These jokes go out to the members of the Slow-Jam and end up in the North County Bluegrass & Folk Music Club newsletter which goes out and ends up... this is great I get people mailing me banjo jokes from all over the place. I sent a copy of my joke collection to the Bluegrass Special and the dj read some on the air for anyone who was awake on Sunday night at 11:24 pm. It was finals week and it really made my day to hear my name on the radio. People have started to recognize me at bluegrass jams around town as "the guy with all the dumb banjo jokes." #1. Down in the bluegrass crossword puzzle in the June 1991 issue of the San Diego Bluegrass Club newsletter says "Darrell Reich always has a new one. (two words)" [nine letters.] #1. Across is "That high lonesome sound...." I usually start jamming with the joke of the week to warm up. One of the nicest compliments I've gotten is when someone told me, "Hey Darrell, I thought you just carried that thing [my banjo] around and told jokes all day but you're actually pretty good!" [at playing the banjo not telling jokes.] I had just told all my jokes and then jumped in with Whiskey Before Breakfast, the song I picked to play at Julian this year. The critics [non-banjo players) say, "you would have to be a banjo player to enjoy these jokes--I'm sure you and the boys are still laughing..." and it's true fer sure! So, this is it, my 101 banjo jokes, The Canonical List, numbered and illustrated complete with preface, disclaimer, dedication, glossary, epilogue, and appendices, perfect to just stuff in your case so you'll never be without a comment on stage or at a jam. Even by yourself -you'll always have a reason to smile. Enjoy. Keep those cards and letters coming! I've got one more year of college before I've got to go and get a real job [the banjo player for Apple Computers Inc.?!?) If I had to do it all over again, I'd make the same mistake.... · Appendix A: 1991 Season and Bag Limits on Banjo Players 1. Any persons with a valid hunting license may harvest banjo players. 2. Taking of banjo players with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of banjo players with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead banjo player to the roadside and proceed to the nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest banjo players from snow machine, hay wagon, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "jam", "bluegrass", or "free pizza" for the purpose of trapping banjo players. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 100 meters of Jeep or Ford Dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use drugs, cute girls, $100 bills, or banjo PA system sales to attract banjo players. 8. It shall be unlawwul to hunt banjo players within 200 meters of acoustic music stores, bluegrass club meetings, parking lot picking sessions, pizza parlours, or Radio Shack stores. 9. If a banjo player is appointed to a government position of senior responsibility, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess them. 10. Stuffed or mounted banjo players must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and hoof and-mouth disease. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female banjo player, pizza delivery person, talent scout, girl scout, sheep, illegal provider of copyrighted music, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting banjo players. Bag Limits yellow bellied sidewinder 2 reputable banjo players Extinct two faced banjo players 1 banjo joke teller 2 back stabbing frailer 1 brown nose picker 1 big nosed singer 3 tab pirate 2 Appendix B: ten easy steps to better banjo playing... The Doc Stock Banjo Method or Any jerk can play the banjo so why not you too? Lesson 1: Beat It! The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these. There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated h in tablature), the harder hit (H), and the beat (B). Learn these three licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything! Remember -- Hit 'em again, hit 'em again, harder, harder! Lesson 2: Stage Presence A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs--you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler, (5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into space. The more you can do at once, the better. Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo: (1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone. (2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with method (1). (3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above. Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time music: the G Tune, the A Tune, the D Tune, and the C Tune. It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same. Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper. Avoid all tablature--you will get nowhere as a banjo player by imitating musicans. Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret(tm), pizza, strawberry pie, & Banjo Playing Just say, "Why not?" [refer to page 1 and Appendix A] Lesson 6: Playing with Musicians Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player or two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by contrast wlxen a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming! Lesson 7: Banjo Paraphernalia A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key. A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers? A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to which is responsible for tlxe odour. Beer is thc experienced banjo player's favourite liquid to spill on the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through the kidneys first. Lesson 8: Name That Tune As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee. Lesson 9: Three Myths Dispelled Myth Number l: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo. Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard work. Myth Number 2: You can make good money playing the banjo. Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop. Myth Number 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go. Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere. Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune ----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H-------- --h---H--B--------B---------H---H---B-H-B---H------ -------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H------ --------h-----------h--------h--------------------- --------------------------------------------B------ h=hit it! H=hit it harder! B=beat it! Appendix C: Telling jokes by the numbers... A tabloid reporter went to the annual banjo joke teller's convention to report on it for her newspaper. Part of the convention was a joke competition. The first comedian came out and said, "Number 236." The crowd burst out laughing. The next comedian walked on stage and said, "Number 1265." A round of laughter griped the audience. Some of the people around the reporter even fell out of their chairs. Another one came out and said, "Number 876." The chuckling lasted for minutes. The confused reporter turned to the person seated next to her and asked, "I don't get it. Why are they just saying numbers?" The guy replied, Well, we know all the jokes by numbers, so all the competitors have to do is give the number." The next comedian came out and said, "Number 834." Silence. Not even a guffaw... The reporter asked, "What happened?" "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke." The next comedian came out and said, "Number 1254." The audience erupted with raucous laughter. More hysterics than any of the previous comedians. The reporter asked, "What happened?" "That was a joke we had never heard before." Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, "please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You fucking bitch, you ruined my life." Top 10 disqualifies for consideration of relational status: 10. Uses "party" as a verb. 9. Knows all the words to "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?" 8. Considers "Whooooo!" a valid form of expressing approval 7. Thinks "quark plasma" is a party drink 6. Hair mass > brain mass - 5. Thinks "electron transfer" is a new dance step popularized by the New Kids on the Block 4. Thinks Dr. Spock has cute pointy ears 3. Has accepted more drinks than IQ, and still isn't drunk 2. Isn't expecting to go home tonight, but is hoping for a ride in the morning 1. Needs pronunciation guide to read the television listings "FUCK YOU" Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language is the word "FUCK". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "FUCK" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and in transitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or passive verb ( Mary really doesn't give a fuck) ; or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful): as you can see, there are very few words with versatility of "FUCK" . Besides its sexual connotations this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: Greetings---------------------How the fuck are you? Fraud-------------------------I got fucked by the car dealer. Dismay------------------------Oh, fuck it! Trouble-----------------------Well, I guess I'm fucked now. Aggression--------------------Fuck You! Disgust-----------------------Fuck Me! Confusion---------------------What the fuck-------? Difficulty--------------------I don't understand this fucking business. Despair-----------------------Fucked again. Incompetence------------------He fucks up everything. Displeasure-------------------What the fuck is going on here? Lost--------------------------Where the fuck are we? Disbelief---------------------Unfuckingbelievable! Retaliation--------------------Up your fucking ass! It can be used to tell time---It's five fucking thirty! It can be used in an anatomical description-- He's a fucking asshole! It can be used in business-- How the fuck did I wind up with this job? It can be maternal-- as in "Motherfucker" It can be political-- "Fuck Reagan" And never forget General Custer's last words : "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?" Also, the famous last words of the mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was that?" And, last, but not least, the immortal words of the captain of the Titanic, who said, "Where is all this fucking water coming from?" The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"? Use it frequently in your speech and it will add to your fame and prestige. An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life: ITALIAN : When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. FRENCHMAN : When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off and my wife, she goes wild. AUSSIE : When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild. A man is on vacation, and one evening he is walking down the beach and he runs into a beautiful woman, who has no arms or legs. She is crying. He asks her, "What's the matter?" She replies, "In all my life I've never been hugged." He says no problem, gives her a hug, and continues on his merry way. The newt day, he sees the same woman, crying again, and he asks her, "What's the matter`.>" She replies, "In all my life I've never been kissed." He says no problem, gives here a kiss, and leaves. The next day he is walking by the same stretch of beach and he sees her lying there again, crying. He says to her, "I gave you a hug, I gave you a kiss, what's the matter now?" She replies, "In all my life I've never been fucked." He says, "Is that all?" and picks here up and throws her in the ocean and says, "Now you're fucked!" TO MY DARLING HUSBAND, I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him. Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out. I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed. Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting. Love, Karen A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that they have to sleep on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half. Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use the code "eating orange" for sex. So every night the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?". This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old man from below interrupted, "You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not drip the orange juices down here!" An elderly woman sees a bunch of women lining up outside a building. Being so naive, she doesn't know these women are prostitutes and that they've been arrested at the local police station. She approaches one of the women in line and asks her what they were all lining up for. The lady of the street, somewhat embarrassed, faked the reply by saying they're handing out free oranges here. She thought it was too good to miss, so she went to the end of the line and wait. When one of the police saw the old woman, he asks, "Aren't you a bit old for this sorta stuff?" "Are you kidding? I may not have any teeth, but I still like to peel them back and suck them!" One day a boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Dad what's the difference between hypothetically and reality?" His father said, "Well son I'll show you. Go over to your mother and ask her if she would screw the guy across the street for $500,000." So, the kid goes and asks his mom, and she tells him "Sure, I'd screw the guy across the street for $500,000." The boy goes back to his dad and tells him this. "OK son, go ask your sister the same question." So, the kid asks his sister and she says she would screw the guy across the street for $500,000. He goes back to his dad and says, "Hey dad, sis said she'd screw the guy across the street for $500,000." His father goes, "There you have it son: hypothetically we're millionaires, but in reality we live with a pair of sluts." As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the newt couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!" husband: "Guess who?" wife: "I know who it is!" husband: "Guess what I want?" wife: "I know what you want!" husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?" A male-to-female transsexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show. The DJ asked the transsexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation. The transsexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off that really didn't hurt too much." "Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either...." "Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?" "Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains!" What did the football player get on his I.Q. test? Drool. George Bush and Saddam Hussein decide to settle their differences in a civilized manner by discussing the matter. So they meet on neutral ground, midway between the swings and the sandbox, while all the little kids respectfully gather round. Bush is clumsily carrying several rolled-up carpets, and Saddam is holding some empty cans of Budweiser. Bush: You shouldn't have taken my toy. Saddam: It was not your toy. It was my toy. Bush: Since you won't give me back my toy, we are at war. Saddam: I am not at war with you. I am at war with Israel. Bush: You arc not at war with Israel. Saddam: Yes I am. Bush: No you're not. Saddam: Yes I am. Bush: No you're not. Saddam: I am the leader of this miserable little country, and if I say I am at war with Israel, then I am at war with Israel. Bush: Well, I ana the leader of a very much bigger country with every weapon known to man, and I say you're not at war with Israel but you're at war with me. Saddam: No I'm not. Bush: Yes you are. Saddam: No I'm not. Bush: Look, if we were not at war, would I do this? [Throws several carpets on Saddam.] Saddam: But if I were not at war with Israel would I do this? [Throws a can of Bud at Israel. Israel ducks and screams bloody murder.) Bush: You're just trying to evade the issue. Saddam: No I'm not. I was retaliating. _ Bush: You can't retaliate like that. Saddam: Yes I can. Bush: No you can't. Saddam: Yes I can. Bush: No you can't. Saddam: Yes I can. Bush: Be quiet or I will hit you. - Saddam: If you hit me, I will use my secret weapon. Then you will be very sorry. [Bush hits Saddam, and Saddam falls down.] Saddam: MOMMY! ! [Bush looks around nervously, but when no mother appears, he becomes more confident.] Bush: Aw, your mother wears combat boots. Saddam: Yeah, well, so what? At least my mother didn't marry me. Bush: Don't ever say such terrible things, Mr. SOD-OM Hussein. Saddam: Stop mispronouncing my name. You always mispronounce my name. Bush: SOD-OM, SOD-OM, SOD-OM. Saddam: Well, at least I can. Perhaps there's a reason why you're called BUSH. Bush: Now stop saying that. I don't have a bush. Saddam: Yes you do. Bush: No I don't. Saddam: Yes you do. Bush: No I don't. Saddam: Yes you do. [Bush pulls his pants down and wiggles his waggle at Saddam.] Bush: See, I don't. [Faced with this open act of aggression, Saddam drops his pants too. For long time Bush and Saddam wiggle their waggles at each other, and all the little kids who watch are greatly impressed.] A small Indian brave walks up to his grandfather and asks: "Grandfather, how do we Indians get our names?" "Well my son, after the medicine deliverers the baby, he looks out the tee-pee window. Whatever he sees is the name of the baby. For instance, your father was born right at sunrise. Thus his name is Rising Sun. When your sister was born, the medicine man saw some deer. Thus her name is Running Deer." "Oh," said the boy. "Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking ?" A small Indian brave walks up to his grandfather and asks: "Grandfather, how do we Indians get our names?" "Well my son, the baby is named for an event that happened on the day baby is conceived. For instance, your father was conceived during a terrible storm. Thus his name is Thundering Cloud. When your sister was conceived, it was a beautiful summer day. Thus her name became Flowering Meadow. "Oh," said the boy. "Why do you ask Broken Rubber?" TOP TEN OTHER REASONS TO BOYCOTT CLASSES 10. Your classes just plain suck 9. Unofficial holiday (Friday the l3th) 8. It was your birthday 7. The food sucks (Oops! I was thinking of boycotting food service! ) 6. You're a rebel _with_ a cause 5. The welcomer ('Nuff said) 4. Needed to catch up on that 24 hours of sleep you lost last weekend 3. Classes? What classes? 2. Damn it! It's about time you did something for _you!_ 1. Just Do It. (tm) As you all know, Jimmy Swaggart was stopped by the police a few days ago with a prostitute in his car. His defence is that he was recruiting her for his choir. She was going to play his organ. Also, boxer Hecter "Maclmo" Comacho was stopped by on the highway by police for weaving his ferrari back and forth through lanes of traffic. The police discovered thc reason for his erratic driving; a woman was leaning over into his lap... Well, the police then charged him with reckless driving and impersonating Jimmy Swaggart. There was this salesman who died. At the pearly gates St. Peter said that he could chose whether he wanted to go to heaven or hell. First, St. Peter showed him heaven. There were people dressed in white flying through the clouds, singing and playing harps. "Boring", declared the salesman. Then St. Peter showed him hell. There were people dancing, drinking and having a wonderful time at a party. Well, the salesman took one look at this and said "This is for me! I want to be there". So St. Peter made it so. When he arrived at hell, the salesman was immediately set upon by huge devils with pitchforks. Screaming with agony, the salesman asked Satan what happened to the party that St. Peter had shown to him. Satan laughed and said "You must have seen our demo!" Height of Shortness : Sitting on the kerb and dangling your legs Irony : A one-arm man hanging onto the edge of a cliff and his balls start timing My favourite stupid bank robbery story happened here in Rochester, NY a few years ago. Man walks into the bank with a mask, pulls out a gun, and demands that thc teller give him all the money. The teller says something like "Sure Bob." He got all shook up because he thought she recognized him. He was wearing a tee-shirt with him name on it! After he got all shook up he ran out the bank without his gun! So in the end, the bank made out. True story! What's the difference between wetting your pants and listening to a violist play Bralmms? One of them gives you a nice warm feeling. And of course the formal definition of a minor second: Two violists playing in unison. Confucius say: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. If a train-station is where a train stops what happens at a workstation? Confucius say: He who stand on toilet is high on pot Confucius say: when lady say no, She mean maybe when lady say maybe, She mean yes when lady say yes, she no lady Confucius say: He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up. Confucius say: He wimp out runs the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet! Confucius say: Man who has hand down other mans pants, not necessarily feeling himself today. Confucius say: Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Confucius say: Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent. Confucius Say: America Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant. there was a young person named Frisk whose screwing was really quite brisk but the speed of his action plus Fitzgerald contraction foreshortened his tool to a disk! Vinnie and a friend were driving somewhere on Long Island (NY). They came to an intersection where they wanted to make a left turn. Unfortunately, there was a "No Left Turn" sign at the intersection. Looking around and seeing none of the local constabulary, they decided to go for it anyway. Well, as it always seems to happen, two of the local police were in fact nearby in their cruiser, and they proceeded to stop our heroes. This exchange followed. Cop: Could I see your license and registration, please? (Vinnie produces L&R) Cop: Do you know why I stopped you. Vinnie (in thick fake Italian accent): No, officer. Cop: You made an illegal left turn at that intersection. Vinnie: No! I want to make a right turn at that-a corner, but the sign, she say No! Left turn! Cop (staring in disbelief): Wait right here. Cop goes back to cruiser, returns with his partner. Cop: Tell him what you just told me. Vinnie repeats preposterous line, with preposterous accent, somehow keeping straight face. Cop (watching his partner howling in laughter): Go on, get out of here! Q: What John Denver song is about incest? A: "Almost Heaven," one line of which is West Virginia, mountain mama. anyone heard the story about the couple that stayed up late one nite. Finally, the man couldn't take it any more and went to bed. The wife, being hungry, went to the kitchen and polished offa quick tin of sardines, then went to bed...... man goes "sniff ... sniff..... damn, honey, sleepin' kind of high on the pillow tonite aren't you???? What do you call a turtle with a hard-on? Slow Poke! in the mid-80s, there were 2 rich men who were constantly arguing over the purpose of time head on a man's penis. one man insisted that it was for the pleasure of The man, and the other insisted that it was for the pleasure of the woman. finally, they decided that they would fund research teams to settle the issue. the first team, from France, came back after 6 months and $600,000. the results of the study proved conclusively that the head of the penis was for the pleasure of the woman. the first man would not believe this. so they funded another team from Italy. 3 months and $300,000 later, they came back with a study that said that the head of the penis was definitely for the pleasure of the man. they decided that a third team would decide the matter and they chose some good old boys with real American know-how. 5 minutes and $5 later, the good old boys came back and stated: "the head of the penis is to keep your hand from slipping off." How about the smart ass who runs his hand over your bald spot and sez: "Ooohhhh How Smooooth. It feels like my wife's ass!" To which you respond by running your hand over it and saying, "Hey! Yeh, you're RIGHT!" Who is the most popular male at a nudist colony? The one who can carry a dozen donuts and two pots of coffee. Who is the most popular female at a nudist colony? The one who can eat the last donut. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments? Stump The band. We don't take security sitting down here. That's why we've developed the patented "bullprint" authorization scheme. It consists of a simple keyboard on top of a chair. Password sharing, writing down of passwords, and watching others' keystrokes as they type in their passwords are worries of the past! By using "bump and grind" techniques developed during the disco era of the I970s, subjects were able to create unique "signatures" that would thwart the usual after hours plaster cast on the office furniture print stealing. Extended TERMCAP/TERMINFO databases, BUTTCAPBUTTINFO, eliminate the need for thc user to go on various diets to adjust to different sized keyboards. Buttprint technology has also found an application in the coinless, cardless, pay toilet. The user is given 15 seconds to validate before an ejection arm makes way for the next customer. As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: -Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. -A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. -Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. -For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. -For sale: a quied arm chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. -Four-poster bcd,101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. -Now is your chance to make your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. -Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. -Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. -We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. -No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent. -For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. -For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. -Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche. -7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings. -Great Dames for sale. -Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. -Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. -20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year. -Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. -Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. -If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. -Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. -The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. -Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. -Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. -Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. -Stock up and save. Limit: one. -Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it. -We build bodies that last a lifetime. -Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last . -This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens. -For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. -For Rent: 6-room mated apartment. -Man, honest. Will take anything. -Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. -Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. -Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. -Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! -Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. -Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. -Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. -Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. -3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. -Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. -Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. -Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. -See ladies blouses. 50% off! -Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. -Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty. -Illiterate? Write today for free help. -Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. -Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. -Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. -Mother's helper--peasant working conditions. -Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. -And now, the Superstore--unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience. -We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. And these beauties from the radio: -Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure. -Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction. -When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after. -Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcasting Castration. Do you know why aggies carry cow chips in their back pockets? For identification! Did you hear about the aggie who moved his finger from his left nostril to his right and thought he had invented the transplant? Did you hear about the aggie who spent three hours in the library trying to look up Author Unknown? Did you hear about the aggie who had diarrhoea? He thought he was melting! How do you go from Tewais Tech to Aggicland? Go east until you smell it, then go south until you step in it! "Yellow River Valley" by I.P. Freely "Brown Spots On The Wall" by Who Flung Poo "Under The Grandstands" by Seymour Butz "Population explosion in China" by Wi Fukem Yung 100 yards to the out-house - written by Willey Makeit illustrated by Betty Wont Yellow River - written by I.P. Daily Man wino put head on railroad track get splitting headache Anonymous GENESIS In thc Beginning time Project Manager created the Programming Staff. The Programming Staff was without form and structure. And The Projcct Manager said, "Let there be Organization;" And there was Organization. And the Project Manager saw that Organization was good; And the Project Manager separated the workers from the supervisors, and he called the Supervisors "Management," and he called the workers "Exempt." And the Projcct Manager said, "Let there be a mission in the midst of the Organization, and let it separate the workers, one from another." And the Project Manager created the mission and he called it "The System." And the Project Manager separated those who were to benefit from The System from those who were to build it. And he called the former "Users," and he called the latter "Programmers." And the Project Manager said, "Let all the Programmers in the Organization be gathered together into one place, and let a Chief Programmer be brought up to lead them." And it was so. And the Project Manager saw that he was competent. And the Project Manager said unto the Chief Programmer, "Create for me a schedule, so that I may look upon the schedule and know the Due Date." And the Chief Programmer went among his staff and consulted with them. And the staff was divided into two parts, one part called "Analysts" and the other part called "Application Programmers." And the Analysts went back to their desks and estimated, as was their custom. And it came to pass that each Analyst brought his estimate to the Chief Programmer, whereupon he collected them, summarized them, and drew a PERT CHART. And the Chief Programmer went unto the Project Manager and presented unto him the estimate saying, "It shall take ten months." And the Project Manager was not pleased and said, "I have brought you up from the depths of Staff; you have not grasped the "Big Picture." And the Project Manager hired consultants and authorized overtime, and he said to the Chief Programmer, "Behold, see all that I have done! The Due Date will be in FIVE months!" The Chief Programmer was much impressed and went from before the Project Manager to implement The System. And the Chief Programmer sent his Analysts to the Users and said, "Let Specifications be written!" And there were meetings, and lunches, and telephone calls, And the Specifications were written, And there was a Payday and the Happy Hour, one month. And the Chief Programmer examined the Specifications and saw that they were too ambitious. And he separated the mandatory features from the optional features; And he called the mandatory features "Requirements," and he called the optional features "Deferred," and the Users called him names. And the Chief Programmer gave the Specifications to the Analysts and said, "Let the Requirements be analysed and let the files be designed." And it was so. And the Chief Programmer said, "Let the Software Houses put forth their Salesmen, and let us have a Data Management System." And it was so. The Software Houses brought forth all manner of Salesmen who presented their packages, and claimed wondrous things for them, each according to his own file structure. And it came to pass that a Data Management System was selected; And the Chief Programmer saw that it was good. And there was a Payday and the Happy Hour, a second month. And the Chief Programmer said, "Let the System be divided into parts, and let each part become a Module. And let programming teams be formed and Iet each be assigned to write a Module." And it was so. And the Chief Programmer created The programming teams with two levels, a greater and a lesser; and he called the greater the "Senior Programmers" and he called the lesser the "Junior Programmers." And he gave the greater dominion over the lesser. And the Chief Programmer saw it was good. And the Senior Programmers saw it was good. And the Junior Programmers saw it differently. And there was a Payday and the Happy Hour, a third month. And the Chief Programmer said, "Let the programming be started and let much overtime be consumed, for there is but two months left." And the Programmers, both the greater and the lesser, were much afraid and they strove to please the Chief Programmer. And they flowcharted, and they coded, each in his own fashion. And the Chief Programmer looked upon the work and liked it not. And the Chief Programmer said, "Let there be a Standard;" And there was a Standard. And the Programmers looked upon the Standard and liked it not. And there was a Payday and the Happy Hour, a fourth month. And the Chief Programmer said, "Let there be Progress Reports, so we can monitor and control;" And there were Progress Reports. And the Chief Programmer looked upon the Progress Reports and saw that the Due Date was not to be met. And the Chief Programmer arose, bought a suit, shaved his beard and went unto the Project Manager, and grovelled. And the Chief Programmer pointed his fingers, and caused Blame to issue forth upon all manner of creatures who sold Hardware and Software. And The Chief Programmer asked for an Extension. And the Project Manager was exceedingly angry, and cast doubts upon the Chief Programmer's ancestry, and did utter a multitude of threats. But it came to pass that an Extension was granted; And the Chief Programmer took the extension back to the programming teams and there was much rejoicing. And the programming of the Modules was completed. And there was a Payday and the Happy Hour, the fifth month. And the Chief Programmer said, "Let The Modules be integrated, one with another, so that System Testing may begin." And it was so. Two by two, the Modules were integrated, one with another. And great difficulties were experienced, and many hours of overtime were used, and many cups of coffee were consumed. And it came to pass that System Testing was completed. And there was a Payday and the Happy Hour, the sixth month. Then the Chief Programmer did go unto the Project Manager, and said, "Behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will come to all Users; for on this day The System is completed." And suddenly there was with them a multitude of Users praising the Chief Programmer saying, "Glory be to The System in the highest, but can you make this one small change`?" M.A.D.D is the acronym for Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving .... A Native American woman is sitting on a moose hide. She has a son. He weighs 125 pounds. A second Native American woman is sitting on a buffalo hide. Her son weighs 175 pounds. A third Native American woman is resting on top of the hide of a hippopotamus. She weighs 300 pounds. What theorem does this represent? Answer: the Pythagorean theorem: the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides. [A group of people are contemplating what to do with a pair of PDP-8 computers] "I wonder if they would float?" "Well, they're smaller than Volkswagons, and those float." ...silence for a while... "Rocks are smaller than Volkswagons, and rocks don't float." Two math professors were in a bar: Prof1: You know, every year, the students in my Calculus 100 class are getting dumber and dumber. It's getting so that I can't even teach a lecture without reviewing high school algebra. PROF2: That's because you're an intellectual snob. I've noticed the opposite. The students in my classes are much more intelligent than when I started teaching a decade ago. Prof1: Hah! You must be joking. Listen, I've got to go to the washroom, so we'll continue this discussion later [gets up, goes to washroom] PROF2: [Signals waitress to come over] Can you do me a favour? WAITRESS: Depends on the favour. Prof1: My friend is coming back from the washroom, and he'll ask you a question. All you have to say is one-third X cubed. WAITRESS: One-third what?! PROF1: One-third X cubed. Never mind what it mean, just say One-third X cubed, OK? WAITRESS: OK. [goes away] PROF2: [returns] What were we talking about - oh yeah, people are getting stupider and the days go by. I think it's television or something that's doing this. Prof1: That's simply not true. I'll bet you that that waitress could answer one of your calculus exam questions. PROF2: No way. You must be daft! Prof1: Ten bucks says that she'll know what the integral of X squared is. PROF2: You're on! [mentions waitress over] Would you know the integral of X squared is? WAITRESS: One-third X cubed. PROF2: [flabbergasted] Prof1: See! WAITRESS: ... plus a constant. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with herd of Sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, It's puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!" While we are on the subject, here is another mathematical limerick which I have not seen lately: __ 12 + 144 + 20 + 3 V4 2 --------------------- + 5 * 11= 9 + 0 7 which reads as: A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared, and not a bit more. It also can be read as: A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared, and a bit more. cause a 0 is a bit, just as a 1. You know, the bits of a computer!! 110001011100101101100101110010011001100010011100111000101001001101 (does anyone know what decimal number here stands?) - Proof By Intimidating A Horse has an in mite number of legs. A horse has two legs in back and forelegs in front. That makes six legs in total. Six (an even number) legs is an odd number for a horse. The only number that is born odd and even is infinity. Therefore, a horse has an infinite number of legs. It is said What Einstein had occasion To prove an amazing equation: "Let V be virginity "Approaching infinity, "And P be a constant: Persmmasion." "Now if V over U is inverted, - "And the square root of U is inserted "P times into V, "The result, QED, _ "Is a relative," Einstein asserted. How do you teach a girl Mathematics? Add her to the bed, subtract he clothes, divide her legs and start - multiplying. So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting - together. They spy a *deer in the woods. The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio. "Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wise up and vanishes for good. "Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." "What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!" *How they knew it was a deer: The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer. The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem. The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer. A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do? P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire. M: I would acclaim the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire. Then they were asked times question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do? P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve. M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form. A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" M: "I just visualize the process" E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space'?" M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9" There were once three acedemics, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician visiting a small town for a conference. They found themselves forced to share a room in one of the most dirty, dingy, and really low quality hotels that they had ever seen. The room that the had was on the third floor, and the nearest working bathroom was on the fourth. Late that night, the engineer awoke, and decided to avail himself of the lavatory facilities. Going up the stairs, he smelled smoke, and indeed, at the end of the mall he saw a fire. Finding a hose on the wall, he turned it on, ran down the hall, and extinguished the fire. He then visited the bathroom, and returned to bed. An hour later, the physicist awoke, and felt the call of nature. As he went upstairs, he smelled smoke, and found that there was a fire. Finding the hose, he whipped out his calculator, figured out the amount of water needed to extinguish a fire of that size, calculated the flow rate of the hose, turned it on for exactly 15.24 minutes, and extinguished the fire. He then used the bathroom, and returned to bed. Later still, the mathematician awoke and decided that he needed to use the bathroom. Going upstairs, he too found the obligatory smoke and fire. Looking around in a panic, he found the fire hose. He then said, "Aha! A solution exists!" And after using the bathroom, he returned to bed. 1)physicist and mathematician are given a task: to boil some water in a tea pot. They are both given empty tea pot. So they both fill it up with water and then put it on a stove and boil it. Now the problem becomes more complicated: The tea pot filled with water is standing on the stove. The task is the same. PHYSICIST: turns on a fire and heats the water. MATHEMATICIAN: Pours out the water and the problem is reduced to the previous one. When considering the behaviour of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there An engineer will stand there and try to catch it A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the right of the aeroplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls." The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the right side of the plane. Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right. "Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him. "Who would like to do the third problem, division?" Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right (she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends). "Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?" Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. " Why the enthusiasm, Tim?" "God said to go fourth and multiply!" A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to An position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." Thc mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!" Engineer, physicist and mathematician are asked to find the value of 2+2. Engineer (after 3 minutes, with a slide rule): "The answer is precisely 3.9974." Physicist (after 6 hours of experiments): "The value is approximately 4.002, with an error of plus-or-minus 0.005." Mathematician (after a week of calculation): "Well, I haven't found an answer yet but I CAN prove that an answer exists." Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." Engineer, physicist and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water and runs over to the fire, putting it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the fire, pours it on and with the last drop the fire goes out. The mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg. Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the previous problem." Mummy snake to baby snakes: "Well, you're old enough now to survive in the real world. So here are the facts of life. Go forth and multiply." Little snakes: "But we can't, we're adders." Mummy snake: "You can do it in logs." Q: To what question is the answer "9W." A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?" A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. "I have to that that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow." Q: What did the acorn say when it grew up? A: Geomatry Q. What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? A. He works it out with a pencil. "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" -- P. Erdos Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. "Algebraic symbols arc used when you do not know what you are talking about." Moebius always does it on the same side. Heisenberg might have slept here. There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counsellor, and It's decided that they had good problem solving skills. He tried a test to narrow the area of specially. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counsellor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the Poor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counsellor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem. The great logician Belrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?) once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1. So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that you're the Pope." He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, The Pope and I are one." THE STORY OF BABEL: In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to large numbers and prospered. One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... until one night The edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge structure reclaiming to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed out from Under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all suprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. - adapted from an American Indian legend of the Mound Of Babel The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply." What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927plus or minus 0.000000005 Engineer: Pi is about 3. Lemma: All horses are the same color. Proof (by induction): Case n=1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all horses in that set are the same color. Case n=k: Suppose you have a set of k+I horses. Pull one of these horses out of thc set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all horses are the same color. Ya' hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch the rays and became a tangent ? My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right. And now, for some really bad picture jokes (that I heard at Cal Poly SLO) : Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that ? A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic ! There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !" The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college: 1 + 1= 3, for large values of 1 Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered "Polynomial. polygon." Lumberjacks make good musicians Because of their natural logarithms. Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. A physics joke: "Energy equals milk chocolate square" Statisticians probably do it Algebraists do it in groups. Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner were both the subject of many dirty professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget." C programmers do it with long pointers. (Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)]. Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat Has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A CS MAJOR 10. Professors' names are more fun to announce. 9. Open book tests (even though the books don't help at all) 8. The babes, man, the babes! 7. Because entry-level programmers make so much money. 6. Always wanted to write the Great American Payroll program. 5. You get to wear those nifty pocket protectors. 4. Who doesn't catch wood at the thought of writing an ISR? 3. EVERYBODY knows that the REALLY cool guys hang out in the VAX lab. 2. You'll be able to get all the good beaver shot .GIF's before anybody else and the number one reason for being a CS major: 1. If you flunk out, you can always change your major to MIS. here was once this Aggie who was doing research on various plant life. So he goes out to a ranch and asks the old rancher if he could get some milkweed from out of the pasture. The old man asks, "What are you going to do with milkweed?" The aggie says, "I'm going to make milk from the milkweed." The old man says, "Boy, you can't make milk from a milkweed!" And the aggie replies, "I have this new technique to make milk from milkweed and it will work." The old man says, "Go ahead" and the aggie gets his milkweed. The next day the aggie goes back to the rancher and tells him that he got a gallon of milk from one plant and asks him if he could get some honeysuckle. Again, the old rancher asks, "What are you going to do with honeysuckle?" The aggie says, "I'm going to make honey from the honeysuckle." The old man says, "Boy, you can't make honey from honeysuckle!" The aggie tells the rancher about his technique and the rancher allows him to get the honeysuckle. The next day the aggie comes back and tells the rancher that he got a quart of honey from the honeysuckle. The rancher was astonished. So, the aggie asked if he could get some pussywillow and the rancher said, "Hold on there, boy! Let me get my hat!" What was Anita Hill's greatest fear during the hearings? A hung jury. ANSWERING MESSAGES to LEAVE A couple of ones that I've used or heard of. They're most effective when you call the victim's office and leave the message with a secretary. Word does leave a way of getting around.. - "This is Officer Donaldson of the Virginia Highway Patrol regarding the hit and run accident that he was involved in. Please tell him to turn himself in, we know where he is." - "This is Bill from Jones Trucking. We're trying to find to tell him that we, uh, unfortunately, backed one of our trucks over the top of his car and, uh, pretty much totalled it." - "This is Mike from Jones Trucking. We're trying to deliver this shipment of small animals to . They're all crowded up in this cage and they don't have any water or food. I know I'm not supposed to say things like this, but I can't imagine anyone treating animals that way." - "This is Igor from the Soviet Embassy calling about the package he left us." - "This is Doctor Smith from St. Elizabeth (a local psychiatric hospital) Outpatient Clinic. Could you ask to call us regarding the session he missed." My daughter Louise says: (nwod esion taht nruT) If the religious fundies are so worried about (trohs oot si triks tahT) satanic backward masked messages being inserted into pop records, why (moor ruoy ydiT) don't they make up their own books, pop records, television programmes (kcolc'o net erofeb ereh kcab eB) and Usenet jokes and put their own backward (dehsinif krowemoh ruoy teG) masked messages into them? MANY REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. A beer doesn't sulk. A beer wouldn'1 waste its money on Playbeer magazine. A beer won't switch the TV channel. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open. A beer doesn't snore. A beer can't interrupt. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburettor. A Beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart. A beer doesn't mind having pantihose dry in the bathroom. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. A good beer is easy to find. A beer can't pout. A beer doesn't have a mother. A beer doesn't Have friends who will drink your beer. A beer wouldn'1 yell if you dented the car. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds. A beer will be there for any time of the month. A beer doesn't want children. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. A beer isn't ready until you're ready. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. Hangovers go away. A beer tastes good. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower. A Beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. A beer's life does not revolve around the football. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit. A beer never needs a shave. You don't have to let a beer win. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too. A beer doesn't have morning breath. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go. A beer will never drink the last beer. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. A beer is never temperamental. A beer will never complain about your cooking. A cold beer is a good beer. A beer will never worry about losing its hair. A big, fat beer is nice to have. A beer won't steal the covers. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery (sic) on a blonde? "Space. The final frontier." Locked: 50 yards to the next outhouse - written by Kenny du Witt illustrated by Betty Kent "Toll's Toy" by Warren Pees Not Welcome - written by Isadore O'Penn illustrated by Doris Locht Trail in the sand by Peter Draggon The open kimono by Seemore Hair Despite the fanfare of yesterday's new technology announcement, ButtPrint Technologies must now regretfully inform our customers of an unforeseen security vulnerability in our ButtPrint I Computer User Authorization System, and ButtPrint II Coinless Pay Toilet. I. Description A security vulnerability exists in ButtPrint authorization systems that can be used to gain other users' privileges. The vulnerability is present in market areas with wide availability of identical mass produced designer blue jeans, etc. II. Impact ButtPrint I: Any user can gain system administrator privileges. ButtPrint II: Any user can obtain washroom privileges without charge. III. Solution Require user to disrobe authorization surface area before beginning authorization sequence. ButtPrint Technologies wishes to acknowledge that the above solution will be difficult for our ButtPrint I customers to implement at the present time due to social factors in many market regions concerning proper behaviour in the workplace. Though the ButtPrint II would appear on the surface to naturally present less of a problem, we recognize that today's corporations may find it non productive in terms of public relations to implement video cameras in the more sensitive portions of washrooms that would be necessary to ensure 100% prevention of authorization misuse. Therefore we must regretfully announce the discontinuation of the ButtPrint I and II. As an afterthought, ButtPrint would like to point out that the root cause of ButtPrint's short life-span in the marketplace is governments that place a lower priority on computer security and allowing small technology companies to gain a foothold in the market, such as ButtPrint, and a higher priority on allowing unrestricted availability of cheap identical mass produced designer blue jeans, at the expense of startup technology companies that could keep that country ahead of competition from abroad. Free Nelson Mandela... in every box of cornflakes. Black Power... it's cheaper than electricity. Q: Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? A: To let you know you've reached the end of the cat. Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, just remove the rights of everybody allowed to go into the room. Q: How many users does it take to change a light bulb? A: All of them, to whine at the sysadmin in unison. Lesser Languages The Copier Circuit Basic, Fortran, Cobol : These programming languages are well known and (more or less) well loved thoughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages, However, that are less well known that still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little-known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages and why they are obscure I present the following catalog. SIMPLE : SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technical Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. SLOBOL : SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to take a trip to Bolivia to pick up the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but in finitely faster) language, COCAINE. VALGOL : (With special thanks to Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau) From its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y$KNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS", FERSURE, and NOWAY. Repetions of code are handle in FOR-SURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program: 14 LIKE, Y$KNOW (I MEAN) START %%IF PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND O1 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND 9C =LIKE GRODY^MAX 4K (FERSURE)^2 18 THEN 4I FOR I= LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100 86 DO WAH + (DITTY^2) 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) -17 SURE 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM ? REALLY $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y$KNOW) VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message GAG ME WITH A SPOON. LAIDBACK : Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for Tai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favour of bean curd and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For Example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message, SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT. SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher. SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are there. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at parties. FIFTH : FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and BLOTTO Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERBET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITTE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favourite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using the language. C- : This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "Low-Level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. LITHP : This otlmerwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "s" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be utheful in proceththing littth. DOGO : Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training. DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate. DOGO commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "PUPPY GRAPHICS", in which a small cocker spaniel occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen. NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT: 'C' Language Regression Package Antiquity Spoffware Solutions Announces C-- Void Oriented Programming Antiquity Spoffware Solutions is proud to announce its latest fully integrated software package for C programmers. C Programmers for years now have been frustrated with a myriad of functions designed for almost sickening efficiency and control. Any programmer knows that a language so flexible has its drawbacks: Universality. C-- combines all the power of BASIC, the readability of COBOL, and the wealth of string and graphics functions associated with FORTRAN. C-- does away with floats and doubles, chars and ints and manipulates data entirely in LONG integer form (for portability.) Here are some examples: /* This program generates an integer-oriented #include #LOADREGULARCLIBRARYFUNCTION (STDIO.H) MAIN *OPENCURLYBRACKETPOINTINGLEFT PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT ( "DEMONSTRATION OF C-- FUNCTIONS" ) SEMICOL LET THENUMBER A EQUAL 10 SEMICOLON LET THENUMBER B EQUAL 20 SEMICOLON IF A .LT. B THEN DO SINGLEFUNCTION PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT( NUMBER, STRING, A, "IS SMALLEST" ) SEMICOLON OTHERWISE IF B .LT. B THEN DO SINGLEFUNCTION PRINTFORMATTEDOUTPUT( NUMBER, STRING, B "IS SMALLEST" ) SEMICOLON OTHERWISE DO NOTHING SEMICOLON *CLOSECURLYBRACKETPOINTINGRIGHT The above source, as you may have noticed, is not just a demonstration of the ASS software team's life-long persistance in the generation of efficient, compact, (and most of all) READABLE software. The tried and true principles behind line-buffered input are sure to delight the seasoned programmer. C-- is sure to invoke images of keypunches and card readers and leave you happily chugging away at keyboard. How to program in "C" 1] Use lots of global variables. 2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace. 3] Put everything in one large .h file. 4] Impliment the entire project at once. 5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal. 6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't quite understand. "It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?" How to debug a "C" program. 1) If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it. 2] Change majors. 3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and execute. 4) Throw holy water on the terminal. 5] Dial 911 and scream. 6] There is rumour that "printf' is useful, but this is probably unfounded. 7] Port everything to CP/M. 8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix the bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad. How to debug a 'C' program - addendum 1)Since you got it to compile, the problem must be in the Other Guys Code. 2) If it's all your code then the problem *MUST* be in those unreliable Standard Libraries. See ' 1.' in the previous section. 3] Claim the bug reports are vicious lies meant to tarnish your sterling reputation as a 'C' programmer (well aren't they?). After all, those who wrote the reports couldn't even *read* your code. How could they possibly know if there was a bug or not? 3.a] If they could read your code, review "How to program in 'C"', above. 4] Claim that there wouldn't be a problem if this stingy Company/School/Wife/etc would spring for a copy of C++. If you still have a Job/Degree objective/Wife/Mind/etc after utilizing the above rules then you simply aren't trying hard enough. propagation delay: gestation period rise time: interval between pay increases flip-flop: unpopular reverse side of hit record exclusive-OR: mistress lookahead adder: farsighted snake decade counter: the grim reaper automatic gain control: wage and price regulations balanced modulator: mezzo-soprano on a tightrope line receiver: victim of fraud line driver: perpetrator of fraud dynamic RAM: a lothario of the pasture sync period: boat warranty time hex inverter: device for witch counter-measures multiplexer: situation causing many worries one-shot: unreliable weapon rectifier: ombudsman jump instruction: order to paratrooper load resistor: teetotaller plan position indicator: Kuma Sutra relaxation oscillator: vibra-bed UART: thou are I/O bus: seven dwarfs' transportation heat shrink: tropical psychiatrist PROM: high school dance parity bit: union bargaining gimmick p-type junction: crossroads with comfort station two bit latch: cheap lock integrated circuit: nonrace track discrete device: little white lie transient suppression: anti-vagrancy law square wave: conventional hair style four terminal network: small railway company low pass: indecent proposition disk crash: UFO accident hex code: witchcraft standards push-down stack: a romp in the hay floppy disk: tired UFO binary loader: double Scotch core dump: orchard compost heap indirect addressing: post office box memory management: brainwashing common collector: ordinary garbage man log amplifier: tree fertilizer full duplex: overcrowded tenement power connection: friend in high places power switch: change in government delayed trigger: loser in gunfight monostable: for one horse twisted pair: the odd couple stripline: queue outside The Condor antenna coupling: insect foreplay screwdriver adjustment: additional vodka long term drift: Kon-Tiki expedition burn-in: pyromaniac convention output impedance: work stoppage megahertz: large car rental company dedicated computer: loyal accountant base drive: primitive motivation transformer: successful evangelist pulse delay: cardiac arrest Johnson counter: Howard's cafeteria current mode logic: contemporary fad in mathematics phase lock: frozen expression delay line: debtor's story semiconductor: part time railwayman disk drive: slap shot subroutine: undersea manoeuvres baud rates: libertine free schedule CMOS: undersea vegetation bonding wire: cheap wedding ring battery charger: assault case prosecutor slip ring: counterfeit negligee organization standard cell: ordinary prison accommodation vidicon: TV commercial data extractor: census taker banana plug: fruit marketing board advertisement crimp termination: death by strangulation truth table: torture rack Confucius say: Man who go to bed with sex on mind Wakes with solution in lmand. Confucious Say: Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time. Confucius say "Man who run behind car get exhausted." Confucius say "Man who is jacking into a peanut butterjar is fucking nuts". Confucius Say: He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind. Confucius say: Man with hands in pockets feel foolish, Man with hole in pocket feel nuts. Q) What do pretty female country singers and children below 12 have in common? A) They should be scene but not heard ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Country Song Names: "How can I get you off my mind, when you won't get off my face." "Something's wrong, 'cause I'm drunk, and you're still ugly." Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' by Richard Lederer Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Q. Now, Mrs. Jolmnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. Q. You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream? A. No ma'am. Q. Does that mean you consented? A. No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. How do you make a dead baby sink? Hollow it out and put on facets. What is the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? I1's hard to bounce one a dead baby. What's the difference between a dead baby and a motorcycle? Ever try to pop a wheelie on a dead baby? What's one of the delicacies in the Jeff Dalmmer restaurant? Glazed dead baby under glass. What's served in the Jeff Dalmmer road side diner? Chipped dead baby on toast. What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red? A nun falling down the stairs. (Not a dead babyjoke, but sick none the less.) DRIVING TIPS If the vehicle in front is signalling to turn, the only thing to be certain of is that its indicators are functional. Ignorc all lmand signals. They are merely establishing whether or not it is raining. The car in front must be overtaking at all costs. Traffic lights are mere street decorations Parking areas are demarcated by bright yellow lines at the side of the road When you see a STOP CHILDREN CROSSING sign, this means you must prevent as many as possible from doing so If you are driving a company car and you hear an expensive noise coming from the engine, turn the radio up until it disappears. If you get stopped by the police for drunken driving, say to the off cer: "Thank God for that - I thought my steering had gone" WASHINGTON, D.C. (UPIX) As the senate confirmation hearings on Supreme Court nominee Clarence C. Thomas drew to a close, a startling revelation was made. Not only did Mr. Thomas discuss a pornographic movie star named Long Dong Silver, he in fact IS Long Dong Silver. The discovery was made by Senator Edward (Ted) Kennedy in the senate men's room. "He's been giving us a difficult time in there," said Senator Kennedy at a press conference this afternoon. "I wanted him to know who's was bigger. Boy was I surprised when I peeked over the stall." While Mr. Thomas has admitted to being the porno movie star, he continues to deny all charges of sexual harassment. "I was required to shave my genitals during filming," Thomas said, "so I was very sensitive about pubic hair jokes. I would not have made that comment about the hair in the drink." There have been Rumours that this story was actually a last-ditch attempt to distract attention away from the harassment issue. A group of women who have been in the Kennedy compound have come forward to make their claims public. One was heard to say, "the thought of Ted Kennedy comparing himself to Another man is ludicrous. Ted Kennedy comparing himself to a ground squirrel would be more appropriate." Professor Hill was unavailable for comment. However, she was recently seen purchasing a VCR. A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practising ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troop and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books newt to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out" Room after room they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, "My God what are you doing?" "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here" What is the difference between roast lamb and pea soup? Anyone can roast lamb. It was Johnny's turn for "Show & Tell". When the teacher asked him what he brought, Johnny held up a Thermos. The teacher wasn't sure where this was leading, but asked him why his Thermos was so special. Well, Johnny had this story to tell... Towelling "In the Summer, you put in ice cubes & lemonade and it stays cold all day. In the Winter, you pour in hot soup and it stays hot all day." After Johnny finished he had a smug look on his face. The teacher, still not understanding asked Johnny why that was so special. To which Johnny replied, "Think about it teach... how does it know?" a man goes to a barber and starts lamenting about his receding hairline. the barber, being an understanding man, says, 'you know, when you're bald in the front, that's a sure sign that you're a thinker.' the man feels better. then he remembers, 'life, but I'm getting bald on the top, too.' the barber says, 'being bald on top means you're a lover.' after a pause, the barber says, 'of course, if you're bald in the front and the top, that means you think you're a lover.' This guy goes to a school reunion. He's walking around and suddenly sees his old roomate. He goes up to him and goes through the usual greetings. Guy: "Hey Tom, how've you been? What are you doing now?" Tom: "Well, I'm a professor of logic" Guy: "What's that?" Tom: "Let me give you an example. Do you like goldfish?" Guy: "Yes." Tom: "From that I can deduc that you like animals, right?" Guy: "Yeah." Tom: "Which means you like kids" Guy: "Yup" Tom: "Which means you like women, right?" Guy: "Yes. That's cool that you can deduce all that." The guy then sees another of his friends, Paul Guy: "Hey Paul, guess who I just met" Paul: "Who?" Guy: "Tom! He's a professor of logic." Paul: "Logic? What's that?" Guy: "Well, let me give you an example. Do you like goldfish?" Paul: "No." Guy: "FAG!!!!!!!" When I was back from in Connecticut over the weekend I read a story in the Harlfiord Courant about probably the most stupid robber in existence. He held up a convenience store and made a clean getaway with the cash. Unfortunately, he left his wallet on the counter. So - this is a brief summary of Hinduism. Once upon a time there were two sets of first cousins, the Pandu and the Kauravs. Their fathers, Dhritarastra and Pandu (rhymes with Gandu) were brothers. Pandu was originally king. But he shot two deer while they were fucking, and they cursed him to die the next time he reached orgasm. Soon after, he died a happy man, and Dhritarastra was made king. Dhritarastra's plan was to split the kingdom between his sons and those of Pandu. But his eldest son, Evil Warrior, stole the Pandav's land rights in a crooked game of Parcheesi. After wandering around the countryside for thirteen years, the Pandavs decided to get their kingdom back. Evil Warrior refused them. Thus, there was war on the face of the land, and God, in the form of a blue man with a frisbee and a flute, personally participated, siding with the Pandavs, for whom he acted as charioteer. His discourses with Arjun, the prince whose charioteer he was, are legendary. These discourses, wherein God exhorts Arjun to slay all his enemies (an entire battlefield of warriors) and enjoy his right- fully earned kingdom, form the basis of the Bhagavad Gita, the holiest book in Hinduism. NEW SIMPLIFIED, PLAIN ENGLISH HOMEOWNERS POLICY-SPECIAL FORM The ______________ Insurance Company has issued this policy to ______________ _________________ for a period of ___ year(s) ending promptly at midnight, standard time on ________________ Property Location: ____________ ___________________________________ Amount of Insurance you bought: $ __________ Blanket, on your house, all the accumulated furniture and shit inside your house, your garage (the one where you park your car, not A1's Body Shop) and any other small building on the lot, and what it costs to live when your house is burned down or something like that happens, for so long as we say it's okay. We also will defend you in court if some sonofsbitch makes a claim against you, or pay his damages, and we'll pay the medical bills of some people who get hurt accidentally at your place, or some other places. (We could spell it out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one fucking word of it anyway--shot--we had to hire ten Jew lawyers just to figure THIS out after we wrote it). CONDITIONS: 1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it. 2. Our agent has already told you that this is the new "ALL RISK" policy. He was correct as far as he went, but he doesn't even know what the fuck he's selling. So, if you have any questions, call or write to us, not some jackoff insurance salesman. 3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how godawful new it is or how it never leaked before. If you try to shit us, we'll not only cancel this fucker so fast it'll make your head swim; we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an insurance policy again, short of Hong Kong Mutual. There's so much fucking regulation, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's Jesus Christ, that we CAN'T LIE to YOU--It'd be our ass. So, don't give us any song and dance or we'll land on your ass hard. 4. Replacement Cost: Fucking forget it! You don't need it. We'll pay what is fair, with or without any goddam Replacement Cost Coverage. And, we don't give a shit what your goddam neighbour's policy has on it. 5. The Amount of Insurance You Bought, listed above, is the absolute most we will pay no matter what your house and other shit is worth or however many people sue your ass for any one accident. So, you'd better be goddam sure you've bought enough to cover the worst fucking disaster you can imagine. Don't depend on your agent for this! ! ! If he had any imagination, he'd find an HONEST occupation (like sucking off sailors). 6. Don't bother us with a 1ot of questions about what is and isn't covered by this insurance. We'll tell you when you need to know. If we told you now, you'd forget it in an hour--if you ever understood it in the first place. 7. YOUR DUTIES: (1) Pay the fucking premium and (2) Call us right away when you think something's happened (don't try to analyse it, just call in); that's all you gotta do. Don't try to get cute--see item (3) above in case you forgot already (which doesn't surprise us). 8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know. By the way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has something to do with your job--forget it! Don't call us; we couldn't care less! This dead parrot is difunto --------------------------- By John Hooper in Madrid A question left hanging by John Cleese-- what is the value of a dead parrot?-- has firmly been resolved by a Barcelon a judge. His honour Antonio Nunio de la Rosa has ruled that a dead parrot is worth 150,000 pcsctas ($815). He was awarding damages to Maria del Carmen Dotras, whose parrot (male, green) died, passed away, turned moribund, ceased to exist, and, in short, became defunct two years ago in the city's Vall d'Hebron hospital. Ms. Dotras, who lives with her mother, had owned the bird for 23 years, since she was 12. Her family doctor suspected the parrot might be the cause of an allergy her mother had developed. He wanted it to have a blood test, and told her it would be better done by an doctor than a vet. This proved not to be the case. According to Ms. Dotras, the doctors virtually suffocated the bird by - putting a towel over its head, and took out six times as much blood as they were supposed to. Eventually, a consultant ordered it to be put out of its misery. Ms. Dotras put the dead bird in the freezer, to facilitate an autopsy. In fact, thc deep freezing made it impossible to determine the cause of death. But as Judge Nunio de la Rosa observed in judgement-- passages of which might have come from a Monty Python script: "The parrot has been deceased, and cannot be revived." He decided the hospital authorities and the doctor - responsible should pay the sum equivalent to a new bird. He dismissed Ms. Dotra's claim for damages of one million pesetas ($5,435). This had been based, in part, on the argument that her parrot could talk. . Drawing a fine distinction that will be of assistance in future, similar cases, the judge ruled that it merely "articulated sounds similar to those of people." "If the parrot had been able to talk," he reasoned, "it would have complained." hypocrisy : complaining that there is too much sex and violence on your VCR !! There once was a beautiful Indian maiden, who was so beautiful all the young bucks had made offers for her land in marriage, but before she could make up her mind which one of the young good looking you men to accept the 100 year old chief, who was the head of the entire Indian nation, stepped in and declared he wanted her for his wife. Now the young maiden was smart enough to know that she couldn't insult this powerful man by saying no so she decided she would try to discourage him. So she said, "Well Chief the man that marries me will have to build me a mansion, I'm tired of living in this teepee." Well the old chief thought about it awhile and finally he said, "Ugh. Me build um mansion." So the young maiden did some quick thinking and said, "Well ok, but the man who marries me will have to buy me a limo, I'm tired of riding these ponies." The old chief thought about it for awhile, shook his head and muttered to himself and then said, "Ugh. Me buy um limo." Desperate now, the young maiden finally said, "Well Chief the man that marries me must have 12 inches." Well with this pronouncement the old chief begins to pace up and down shaking his head and muttering loudly to himself. After about 20 minutes of this he finally comes back to the maiden and with a BIG SIGH says, "Ugh, me cut em off two inches!!! The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of the accidents in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it stuck my car. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. Okay, here 'tis, boys and girls. After many seconds of intense thought, I have devised thc definitive, and in fact the Official List of Silly Newsgroups. I would like to think the many fine folks who contributed significantly to this list. Any additions or corrections are appreciated; post or e-mail. Also, be sure to hold on to this list: the Top Ten Favourite Silly Newsgroup Poll is coming soon! Now, on to the list. alt.biff is.god alt.c.is.for.cookie.that's.good.enough.for.me alt.castration alt.clmild.star.coke.coke.coke alt.conspiracy.sean alt.decapitation alt.eric.olson.docsim't.ewist alt.fan.charles_nmanson alt.fan.david dmike alt.fan.ted_kaldis alt.finns.on.irc.who.lmate.ainericans alt.flame.anyonc.bmit.ted.kaldis alt.flame.fuck.you.jack.i'm.alriglmt alt.fubar alt.get.a.life alt.he's.dead.jim alt.hitler.is.alive.and.running.a.brothel.with.roy.orbison alt.i.know.roger.carasso alt.individualism.rand.is.god.and.kant.and.hegel.can.suck.my.dick alt.mud.jason alt.multi-level.marketing.scam.scam.scam alt.nkotb.die.die.die alt.nodies.conspiracy alt.pro-wrestling.davey.boy.meltzer alt.pyramid.scams.amway.amway.amway alt.rap.eazy-e.threw.up.on.the.alpine.in.his.six-fo alt.rap.yeah.boyeeeee alt.romance.chat.barfbarfbarf alt.romance.chat.wonmbat alt.rtfm alt.sex.bestiality.muppets alt.sex.chairlift alt.sex.cowpatti alt.sex.falwell-robertson.child.pornography.inc alt.sex.george.and.barbara alt.sex.hey.little.girl.want.some.pez alt.sex.june.cleaver alt.sex.masturbation.chai nsaw alt.sex.moral.maj ori ty alt.sex.necrophilia alt.sex.pastry alt.sex.pictures.polaroid alt.sex.pressure alt.sex.rent-a-can alt.sex.robotics alt.sex.twisted.coat.hanger alt.sex.vms.no.wait.tlmat's.fuck.vms alt.sex.withdrawal alt.sex.900-lines alt.sig alt.suicide.child.star alt.suicide.usenet alt.traci.lords.suck.suck.suck alt.tv.al sharpton alt.wombat comp.equipment.bonfires comp.my.amiga.is.better.tlman.your.mac.nyah.nyah.nyah comp.org.kkk comp.os.holy-wars comp.sys.terminal.dunmb.dumb.dumb comp.we.don't.need.no.stinking.vaxes misc.forsale.life misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc.misc news.lists.cowwpatti.and.kent news.masturbati on news.newusers.questions.rtfm news.why pdx.only.at.tom.peterson's.tlme.happy.place.to.buy rec.abortion rec.arts.culinary.spam rec.arts.dog.shit rec.arts.poems.jim morrison rec.arts.poems.vogon rec.arts.there.had.better.be.brie.at.this.reception rec.discrimination rec.drugs rec.euthanasia rec.food.spam rec.humor.quayle rec.mag.hustler rec.menstruation rec.music.cd.cheap.cases rec.music.debbie.gibson.is.the.antichrist rec.music.gdead.fans.not.on.acid rec.music.gdead.masturbation rec.music.tiffany.still.sounds.like.shit rec.pyromania rec.sca.members.who.are.too.busy.playing.muds.to.read.this.group rec.sport.baseball.it.will.be.a.cold.day.in.hell.when.pete.rose.ever.returns rec.sport.bosing.babes rec.sport.fan.riots rec.sport.natulation rec.sport.masturbation rec.sport.uaa.hockey.lose.lose.lose rec.suicide sci.burnt.styrofoam sci.let's.bore.the.average.user.to.death sci.masturbation sci.med.coat.hanger.abortion sci.med.ganja sci.traff c.light.synchronization sci.transportation.go.see.cal soc.culture.bcstiality soc.cullurc.billionaires.livinmg.on.the.streets soc.culture.dykes.on.bikes soc.culture.east.saint.louis.illinois soc.culture.industrial.slumlords soc.culture.inner-city soc.culture.international.falls.minnesota soc.culture.lifeless.net.geeks soc.culture.motley.crue.groupies soc.culture.northwest.territories soc.culture.space.station soc.culture.third.reiclm soc.culture.tijuana soc.cullure.unborn.gay.wlmales soc.culture.virgins soc.feminism.castration soc.fenminism.pnms soc.motss.bestiality soc.motss.bill.and.eric soc.molss.jessc helnms spam.baked.beans.arc.off spam.bloody.vikings spam.canoe spam.cullure.spcnard spam.hunmor spam.lovely.spam.wonderful.spam.spanm.spam.spam spam.spanm.spanm.spam.baked.beans.and.spam spam.synthetic.vaginas talk.abortion.twisted.coat.hanger talk.homophobia talk.nymphomania talk.politics.nuke.nicaragua.now talk.politics.supreme.court.justice.nominees.bork.bork.bork talk.religion.bhagwan.shree.rajneesh talk.religion.bob talk.religion.c.programmers talk.religion.hare.krishna talk.religion.net.gods talk.religion.not talk.religion.rastafari talk.religion.sun.myazng.moon ua.fat.ugly.native.bitches.trying.to.get.laid.on.the.vax ua.flame.but.don't.flame.melanie.back who.is.john.alt Why should one never date a canary? One could get cherpes which is a canareal disease and there is no known tweetment. (Italian accordion music and the sound of SCLTBA in background.) If you see a big eel, and his teeth are like steel, That's a Moray. (A Moray!) If he's big and he's mean and he's slimy and green, That's a Moray. (A Moray) (Chorus) If he slices the hose, and then leaves you to doze, That's a Moray! A Moraaaaaaaaaaaayyyy! A Moray. When he's fanning his gills, Better head for the hills, That's a Moray. (A Moray!) From a hole in the roof, He will bring you much grief, That's a Moray. (A Moray!) (Chorus) If he slices the hose, and then leaves you to doze, That's a Moray! A Moraaaaaaaaaaaayyyy! A Moray. An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the same lecture night a other night. He confided this state of mind to his chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur expressed a similar boredom in his line of work. "I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with drawing and I am weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a refreshing change for bottom of us. My lecture is all written out word for word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway." The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall fulfilled to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric applause. Then came the question and answer period. "Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front. "Uh... William Herschel." He remembered that from somewhere. "And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy. "Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh." He had read a little. Then from the back: "Would you please comment on the relative merits of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?" The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you would bother to ask me such a simple question. To show you how really simple it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you." What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian bar? Potpourri! Did you hear about the dead girl who was found in a vat of milk with a banana inserted in her anus? Apparently, it was the work of a cereal killer. Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Necrophilia and Bestiality? He gave it up because it was flogging a dead horse. What do you call a rock group with Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Handel, and Chopin? The Decomposers. -"Don't you ever call me stupid again. Now tell me you're sorry." -"I'm sorry that you're stupid." On the first evening of their honeymoon they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. -"Honey", she says, "now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is ?'' He almost fell off thc chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into there room and took his pants off. -"*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her. -"Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a dick, but much smaller." -"I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time." -"Hey, that's great." -"Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old." EXCUSES ACTUALLY RECEIVED BY SCHOOLS VIA NOTES FROM HOME (This was posted at work. I do not know the author/editor. Sorry) * Dear school: Please excuse John from being absent on January 28, 29 30, 31, 32 and also 33 * Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. * Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. * I had to keep Billie home because she ad to go Christmas shopping because I didn't no what size she wares. * Please execute Johnny for being. It was his father's fault. * Mary couldn't come to school because she was bothered by very close veins. * Chris will not be in school cuz he has an acre in his side. * John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. * Excuse Gloria. She was under the doctor. * My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. * Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. * My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines. * Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. She fell out of a tree and misplaced her hip. * Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. * Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat. Her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't thc best either, sore throat and fever. There must be a flu going around, even her father got hot last night. * Please excuse Blanclme from Jim. She is administrating. * Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah dirlmh dyar the runs. (first three attempts had been partially crossed out) * Aaron was absent yesterday because of a sore trout. * Please excuse Wayne for being out. He had the fuel.