{HEAD} TEXTCOL=$FFF BACKGROUND=03 {/HEAD} Home & Away 5 : Total Carnage by Converse/a51 It's not a good week for the residents of Summer Day. Actually, I feel like killing off a few characters this issue. The story so far, coz it was ages ago when the last issue was out: Dildo was killed by a pit bull, Don Fisher is lying half dead on the pavement due to an explosion at the diner and Curtess is a tosser so I'm gonna kill him. MSC also joined the soap and is trying to start his own business up, with Sally and Shannon. Home & Awaaaaaaaaay, with you eaaaach daaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!! At Pippa's house:- Shannon: So we need to make 100 dollars this week then? MSC: Yes, using my IQ of 150 and my 9 GCSE `A' grades I have calculated that both you and Sally will need to go out on the game this week. Sally: But what if we get caught? Shannon: Duuh silly, we'll just tell the cops were getting a lift home. MSC: Okay, do you both remember our prices? Shannon & Sally together: Yes! 30 dollars for a massage, 50 for the full `works' and 80 dollars for school homework. Meanwhile, outside the diner: Don Fisher: arrrgh! I'm about to die... help!! Shannon: Hey Mr, yeah you on the floor there. 50 dollars for the works or do you just want a massage? Don Fisher: Shannon? Is that you? help me, I'm almost dead! Shannon: Geez! It's Mr Fisher!! Err, forget what I just said, it was a dare honestly, wait there, I'll phone an ambulance! Shannon on the phone: Now, what is the number for the ambulance? is it 911, 999 or 119, err, shi-it I can't remember. Shannon: S'cuse me Don, what's the emergency services number? Don: What you don't know?!! Shannon: No. Don: Silly girl, you mean I wasted all this time on your education Okay okay, the number is... 9..... 1 ahhhh the pain.... it'sss...uhhh. Shannon: Oops! I think I'd better get out of here quick before anyone notices. At the diner: Curtess: Selina, can we please stop arguing about sex, I'm converted now because it's been so long since the last issue of BTF has come that I've forgotten how to do it. Selina: Do what? Curtess: You know..... `it'. Selina: Fair enough then, if it'll shut you up. Curtess: Err, Sel? Selina: Yes? Curtess: Nothing forget it. Selina: No go on, what is it? Curtess: Can you erm... Selina: What?!!!! Curtess: Close your legs please coz there's a draft. Selina: Right you little squirt!! Take That and Boyzone and Backstreet boys and Bros, you twat. At MSC's caravan: MSC: Ahaah, my plan for the destruction of Summer Day is almost complete, once I have fed the poison to this swarm of bees, all of summer Day will go out and purchase a P.C and buy PC Format nya hah haaaaah!!!! Come on Bertie, eat up, eat up.... nyaaah! That's it my beauties!! Now fly away and infect Summer Day!!!! Back at the diner... Shane and Angel appear: Ailsa: So Shane, what'll it be? Shane: Actually, I don't feel like eating now. Ailsa: Whatever's the matter? You like like your son's just been savaged by a pit bull. Shane: He has!! Boo hoo! Ailsa: It's disgusting, our pit bull is very tame, but others just give them a bad name. Our Butch is a nice dog, he's a big softie y'know. Alf Alf: Hi Ailsa. Ailsa: Hello love. Alf: You know, I've just been home and I think Butch has been chasing the cats again coz he's got blood on his te... Ailsa: Shut up Alf!!! Shane: Whaa?!! Alf: Just kidding Shane! Shane: Phew, I thought I might have had to terminate our friendship for a moment there. Alf: Heh heh, yeah, I was only joking, it wasn't a cat really, it was a baby. Over to Selina and Curtess Selina: Ouch! I've just nipped by something. Curtess: Waaaaaaaah!!!! Look Sel! There's a swarm of bees heading this way. Selina: Run for the diner!!! Meanwhile at the diner: Shane: You rotter you Alf: Well, you're a fiend, letting your baby out into a park while Butch is hungry. Shane: Oh, sorry I didn't realise he was hungry, sorry mate. Alf: That's okay, we all sometimes make mistakes. Selina and Curtess suddenly run into the diner: Selina & Curtess: Heeeeeelp!! There's a swarm of killer bees heading this way, quick close all the doors and windows! Alf: It's too late!!! Alf: Oww! Hey, I have the strange urge to buy a P.C! Selina: Me too, I seem to want to go to P.C world and purchase memory at very over inflated prices. Curtess: I want to buy a pair of shoes for my P.C as well!! Ailsa: I need more memory for my windows applications, I'd better buy a new hard drive while I'm at it. Shane: Wow man, now that I don't have a kid to feed any more, I'll buy a P.C with Windows '98 installed. At MSC's caravan: Steven: Hi Mark, can I come in. MSC: Erm, yes nyah haaah!! I mean, err, come in... excuse all the P.C Format mags. Steven: Okay, it's about your maths results. MSC: Yes? Steven: I'll be frank. MSC: Okay. Frank: Your results were excellent MSC: And is that a problem? Frank: Well, yes. They were a little too good. MSC: And... you think I cheated? Frank: well, yes I do actually. MSC: I can prove it, go on, ask me any mathematical question, I bet I'll be able to answer it in record time. Frank: Okay then, what's: 299 divided by 50? MSC: 5.98. Frank: Clever bastard. Okay then smart arse, what is: 50000089 multiplied by 24? MSC: 1200002136. Frank: Right. Okay, try and get this one then: 666 multiplied by 56? MSC: Hmm... 37296. Frank: For fucks sake. Right then what is 5 + 10? MSC: Err, ahhh, ummmm.... Windows? Frank: Ah haah! The ol' Pentium bug strikes again! MSC: Damn, I've been found out. Frank: Not only do you have a Pentium replacing your brain, but you also write the home & away scripts so you had to know all the answers!! MSC: Rats! And I would've got away with it too if it hadn't been for that medling Intel Pentium bug. That was the last Home & Away episode in BTF. Next issue (whenever it comes along) we'll be starting a new soap series. This time, we're giving you, the reader, a chance to choose what soap to start up: The choices are:- NeighBores EmmerFail or Brookside Cottage It's your choice. Send E-Mails to:- converse@a-51.demon.co.uk Suggestions to me before March 1st 1998. [hmmm well send suggestions any way coz the magz been sort of delayed for a bit and unless you have a time machine you will miss that dealine :) - axl] Thanx.