| JINI |

JINI - The WindowsCE controlled miracle household

Only little time has passed since the hype about JAVA, but already the next is ready on the starting blocks: JINI. This wild creation is supposed (after the will of Industry) to revolutionize the household. Thanks to JINI, all appliances and items of furniture can communicate with each other. A practical thing - you would tend to think.

It all sounds something like this:

Shoes to shoe-cleaning machine
Notification: We are dirty - please advise the user that we must be cleaned.
Action: The kids clean dad's shoes.

Soap to handtowel rack
Notification: Kill all bacteria on hands, dry feather soft.
Action: Handtowel remains where it is.

Milk to fridge
Notification: Serious exception error: binary expired - signal user.
Action: Siren on fridge sounds.

Shirt to iron
Notification: Fold factor 0.7 exceeded - warm up.
Action: Iron runs the whole night, as no-one has time to iron.

Wash basin to washing machine
Notification: Errr, you can stop the pump, drain is blocked.
Action: User can clean the floor.

On the subject of washing machines, let's take a look what error messages can be shown; after all, JINI will be running under WindowsCE:

"A serious exception has occurred! Shut down all wash cycles and restart the washing machine."

"This washing powder is not compatible with your washing machine, please remove the washing powder from the machine opening and refill with a Microsoft washing powder."

"Before you use this washing machine, please read the licensing agreement. If you don't agree to the terms and conditions, please return the washing machine in its original packaging to your local Microsoft dealer."

"Not enough free space in the wash drum to open the washing machine. Please remove one or more items of clothing from the wash drum in order open the washing machine."

"The wash cycle could not be started. Please open the washing machine and remove the incompatible items of clothing."

"The wash cycle could not be shut down because of lack of memory. Please increase the size of virtual memory under "Options/Memory" or buy a larger washing basket."

"Do you really want to end the wash day? Yes / No / Restart"

"The wash task no longer responds. Do you really want to shut down this cycle? Yes / No / Restart"

"Dr. Watson: The wash cycle has crashed. A post mortem copy will be prepared under Water/H2O/Drain."

Very satisfying that everything runs so smoothly here, not true? So the question naturally arises, why does the butter knife need to communicate with the butter and bread? So that I don't spread too much butter? So that the butter is of the right softness to spread? Or so the Industry gets more money of of me one way or another? Or because Papa Billy is such a nice uncle?

The nice thing about networked households are the problems that all come up at once. Those without these problems won't have a networked household:

A day in the life of a (JINI) house husband:

05:62 Due to a "Stack Overflow", the alarm clock rings at a strange time. Violent switch-off unfortunately doesn't help, as the snooze task has crashed.

06:15 I look for my slippers that the JINI compatible robot-dog from Sony has hidden.

06:45 The paper hasn't arrived again today - the post box didn't accept it - write error at my address.

06:55 I try in vain to turn on the radio - and at last the television now works again.

07:05 The radio works, but somehow I can't understand a word of the Danish broadcasts, and another station cannot be tuned in.

07:25 The coffee machine makes coffee with a strange flavour - a small bug that will be fixed with the next release.

09:45 I tried to leave the apartment for 2 hours, the house door continuously reports "The occupant is not present at the moment. Come back later!". A call to Customer Support doesn't help: "Are you sure you installed your door bell properly and have no I/O conflicts?". The only I/O conflict I have, is that I can't get out...

10:15 Suddenly the door stands wide open. I dive through the door frame.

11:15 There are only 2 cashiers open at the supermarket, and I quickly stand in the shortest queue. As I go to pay, the credit card reports: "Firmware outdated, download an update". A supermarket technician comes: "Don't you read the news? The update has been released for over a week now!". The people behind me are starting to grumble: "He is too dumb to update".

12:55 My microwave cannot be switched off; it has been cooking my lasagne to crisp for over an hour, because the chip in the lasagne packaging gave incorrect data. Never again any specials!

13:20 The alarm clock reminds me to get up. Thank God, else I would've slept in. I throw it in the toilet - a notice is sent to the environment police, as I am flushing environmentally unsafe waste.

14:15 I try to air the apartment, but the windows cannot be opened. JINI reports "Server used to 100% capacity or has crashed - System will now be restarted".

15:30 Grand Prix on TV! At last, a ray of hope.

15:35 My new lady neighbor borrows some flour - just at that moment, the television switches from the Grand Prix to a porn channel. My neighbor turns and leaves, without so much as a glance at me.

15:37 The self-diagnosis of the television tells me that when surfing, a commercial virus must have been activated that automatically switches to the adult channel for a short time.

15:45 Internet Explorer 21.3 has started at long last, but unfortunately the virus is not known by the creators of the anti-virus software. But by next week at the latest, there will be a free update.

16:00 I need another beer! Already my fourth, reports my fridge, and makes me do an alcohol breath test - too high a percentage - it won't give me another beer. A philosophical discussion on beer drinking, despite its inspired phrasing, is not welcome - strange, it always works with Capt. Jean-Luc Picard.

16:15 Now I need a coffee! The coffee machine reports that chunk mail has arrived from Robert Timms again.

16:30 I'm listening to Internet radio, and suddenly the deep freeze reports a total crash. Obviously both appliances are not compatible with each other in the network simultaneously, but I have heard that everything is much easier with JINI HouseholdNetwork 4.6 - unfortunately it is not upward compatible. It even supports DirectHousehold-X 12.7, the multimedia interface for the household - at least all functions already documented.

17:15 The telephone rings the whole time, but when I answer I just get an error message.

18:05 The telephone's still ringing, but over the balcony, 6 metres below.

18:30 A friend has dropped by. We carry out a conversation loudly through the letter box opening - the house door doesn't know of my presence at home again.

19:30 Music! - Unfortunately the stereo won't turn the volume above a whisper; loud music is forbidden by law after 19:00.

20:00 Bloody Hell! I can't even play Quake 13, because the computer won't recognize my Proof of Age. Even Solitaire is refused.

20:05 Tomorrow is another day. I lay down in my JINI incompatible bed.

Can it be our dream to live in an apartment, where the computer itself warms toilet paper to the right temperature before wiping? The Industry says - Yes! Of course!

So dear people: buy yourselves a JINI cushion that will sing to you while you sleep. And doors that creak differently at each use.

In the end there remains only one thing to say: why will people want to have such things?

Perhaps because of some primitive instinct looking at the mystical disappearance of the personification of technology in computers as satisfaction of playfulness?

Or are they simply only stupid, primitive sloths?

Robert Niessner
Steve Bowman