#Files for Wise Man
The secret of success of sincerity -\
   once you can fake that you've got it made!
I met God, who told me that atheism is the only\
true religion - but I didn't believe him.
The truth is out there - but the lies are in your head.
If time is relative, how come it never sends a\
Christmas present?
Fools rush in - and get the best seats.
To err is human, but to forgive is to pass up the\
opportunity to make a really embarrassing best mans's speech.
Too many cooks - have T.V. shows.
The problem with equality is that I'm obviously superior\
to everyone.
Million-to-one chances occur nine times out of ten.
If it's worth doing, it's worth overcharging for.
If you go by the book, chances are there's a page missing.
Genius is the triumph over common-sense of sheer\
bloody-mindedness.
If it's worth doing today it'll still be worth doing tomorrow.
The law is an ass - so kick it!
The difference between lawyers and herrings is that one is wet\
and slimy and it stinks - and the other's a herring.
Truth is like pregnancy - everyone thinks it'll be great but\
no-one knows what to do when they get it.
If the world is laughing with you, you've probably stepped\
in something.
You shouldn't be afraid of the dark - you should be afraid\
of what's in the dark!
The moral majority is usually wrong.
If you must get the wrong end of the stick, at least try to\
grab the bit without the thorns...
Life is like a box of chocolates - full of unexpected\
hard centres.
Laugh and the world laughs with you - just remember to stop\
when everyone else does.
The only people who are more untrustworthy than politicians\
are honest politicians.
A friend in need will not return your lawnmower.
Two wrongs are only the beginning...
If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.
Things only go right so that they can go wrong later.
In precise mathematical terms, 1 + 1 = 2, where "=" is a\
symbol meaning "seldom if ever."
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Where there's a will there's a won't.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that\
you ever tried.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrongly.
Never do anthing you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
Inside every fat person there's a thin person wondering why\
they never get any cake.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If your project doesn't work, look to the part you didn't \
think was important.
There is nothing so small that it cannot be blown out\
of all proportion.
The best time to be positive is when you are positive you're\
wrong.
It's amazing how long it takes to complete something you're\
not working on.
The chief cause of problems are solutions.
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
Those who do not learn from past mistakes are condemmned\
to repeat them. So is everyone else.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would\
talk less.
You can't out-talk a man who knows what he's talking about.
A committee is twelve people doing the work of one.
If you don't want to be on the committee, you'll be made\
chairman.
Say no, then negotiate.
If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against\
you, argue the facts. If both are against you, yell like hell.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn professional.
In every work of genius we recognise our rejected thoughts.
You can confirm any opinion as long as you ask enough people.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
With computer hardware, if you understand it, it's obsolete.
Noone knows what they really want, but EVERYONE knows what\
they don't want.
It doesn't matter whether you're right or wrong as long as\
you're definite.
If you can't convince people, just confuse them.
To steal ideas from one source is plagarism; to steal from\
many is research.
The way to survive at University is to make sure that\
none of your lecturers know you even exist.
The human race would be alright if it wasn't for people.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
There are no answers, only cross-references.
When all else fails, ask your boss.
Free time which unexpectedly comes available will be wasted.
The more proficient one becomes at procrastination, the\
less proficient one has to be at everything else.
It's difficult to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys.
Life is like incense - it stinks and then it's over.
When your bank account is full, cheques take two weeks to\
clear. When your bank account is empty, cheques clear overnight.
If it says "One size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
Always hire a rich lawyer, but never buy from a rich salesman.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to\
catch up.
You never really learn to swear until you learn how to drive.
If your car has four-wheel-drive it just means you'll break\
down in more innaccessible places.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
You can't take away the people's right to be stupid.
Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
People are divided into two groups, the righteous and the\
unrighteous - and the righteous do the dividing.
Whatever happens, act as if it were intended.
There is nothing wrong with sex on television - as long\
as you don't fall off.
Don't trust anyone who says "I'm from the government and\
I'm here to help you."
There is nothing so respectable as an ancient evil.
Experience is something you don't get until just after\
you need it.
Most of the well-trodden paths leads nowhere.
The only people who find what they are looking for in life\
are people who are looking for mistakes.
When people are free to do what they please, they usually\
imitate each other.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Life can only be understood backwards, so it's a shame it\
must be lived forwards.
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, but diet and you\
diet alone.
Always assume that the people around you are stupid.
No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it\
would.
The problem with the hidden flaw in nature is that it never\
remains hidden.
If you wait, it'll go away.
Complex problems always have simple, easy-to-understand,\
wrong answers.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
When you need to knock on wood is when you realise that the\
world is composed of aluminium and vinyl.
For something to become clean, something else must become dirty,\
but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds.\
A pessimist fears this is true.
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur at the\
same time as a compelling distraction.
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the letter.
When drawing... (1) Never draw what you can copy. (2) Never copy\
what you can trace. (3) Never trace what you can cut out and stick.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite critiscism.
If an idea can survive a beurocratic review and still be\
implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
In any organization there is always one person who knows exactly\
what's going on. That person must be fired.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Don't let your superiors know you're better than they are.
You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge.
The boss who attempts to dazzle employees with his knowledge of\
intricate details has lost sight of the final objective.
People who pay the least complain the most.
When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it around\
rather than pick it up.
The chances of someone doing something are inversely proportional\
to the number of other people who are available to do it instead.
Never take a descision you can get someone else to make.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
If you leave the room, you're volunteered.
The cream rises to the top.\
So does the scum.
There's no time like the present for postponing what you don't\
want to do.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Assumption is the mother of all screw ups.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk.\
Cut with an axe.
The first law of laboratory work - hot glass looks the same as\
cold glass.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a\
complex, incomprehensible truth.
There is no such thing as a straight line.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires\
a computer.
Computer programs do what you tell them to do, not what you\
want them to do.
The most important law of computing: When putting it into\
memory, remember where you put it.
Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.
Everybody lies, but that doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
People who love sausage and respect the law should not watch\
either being made.
No matter what they're telling you, they're lying.\
No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money.
Those who are not worried usually don't understand the situation.
Those who are most moral are usually furthest\
away from the action.
In dealing with a collective body of people, the people will\
always be more tacky than originally expected.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,\
you don't understand the problem.
Information deteriorated upwards through bureaucracies.
A fool and your money are soon partners.
You may know where the market is going, but you can't\
possibly know where it's going after that.
Amongst economists, the real world is often a special case.
If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.
Everything is contagious.
Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less\
until they know absolutely everything about nothing.
If it sits on your desk for fifteen minutes, you've just\
become the expert.
To spot the expert, find out who predicts the job will\
take the longest and cost the most.
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Never create a problem for which you do not have the answer.\
Better still, create problems for which only you have the answer.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History doesn't repeat itself - historians\
merely repeat themselves.
When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
Progress involves replacing a theory that is wrong with one\
that is more subtly wrong.
It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task\
to make things simple.
If you have a difficult task, give it to someone who is lazy -\
they'll find an easier way to do it.
Never atribute to malice that which is adequately explained by\
stupidity.
The more studying you do for an exam, the less sure you are\
what answer they want.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition\
doesn't mean he knows what it is.
If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably\
your doctor getting sick.
Beware of the doctor who is great at getting out of trouble.
A drug is a substance whichm when injected into a rat, will\
produce a scientific report.
There are two kinds of adhesive tape - those that won't come off\
and those that won't stay on.
Nothing in football is so bad it can't be made worse by firing\
the manager.
The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.
All things being equal, you lose.\
All things being in your favour, you still lose.
No matter where you go, there you are!
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
If an item is advertised as "Under £50", you can bet\
it's not £29.95.
People will buy anything that's one per customer.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Gas expands to fill the container - especially elevators.
Most people deserve each other.
Sow your wild oats on a Saturday night - then on Sunday\
pray for crop failure.
If you help a friend in need, he's sure to remember you -\
the next time he's in need.
Virtue is its own punishment.
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are\
a glut.
Forgive and remember.
The good things in life... cause cancer in laboratory mice\
and are taxed beyond reality.
To err is human - to blame it on someone else\
is even more human.
Don't worry about what people think of you. They're too busy\
worrying about what you think of them.
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened\
to all your friends - only more so.
He who laughs last - probably didn't get the joke.
If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing.
There are some things that are impossible to know - but\
it's impossible to know these things.
When you try to pick out anything by itself, you find that it's\
hitched to the rest of the universe.
When you view a problem closely enough you recognise yourself\
as part of the problem.
The problem with instant gratification is that it takes too long.
A concience is something that makes you feel bad about things\
that make you feel good.
Practical jokes are wasted on the stupid.
Justice is a guy who suffocates trying to hold up a stocking\
factory with a money-bag over his head.
Faith is a condemned prisoner asking for a doggy bag\
at his last meal.
Despair is calling up a number on a toilet wall and having\
your wife answer.
Luck is getting mugged on your way to post bail\
for your mother-in-law.
Insincerity is scolding your dog for biting a double-glazing\
salesman.
Contempt is winning the award for father of the Year\
and having your mistress deliver the acceptance speech.
Fate is the rationalisation of something you shouldn't\
have done in the first place.
A rolling stone gathers\
momentum.
Out of the mouths of babes\
comes semi-digested Farley's.
A fool and his money\
stabilize the economy.
It is better to light one candle\
than to hit the wax-museum with a flame-thrower.
He that laughs in the face of death\
has the last laugh.
Sticks and stones may break my bones\
but a lazer beam is something else altogether.