A typically spooky stone mansion sits atop a hill glaring down at a small poverty stricken township. Within the walls of the aforementioned structure sits an elderly gentleman of about 75-76. He has an overly large chipped monacle in his right eye and is wearing a brown checked hunting suit with the trousers tucked into his socks. His armchair is extremely old, covered in stains of all descriptions and is close to falling apart. By the chair sits a small coffee table with a glass ashtray filled to the brim with cigarette ends. A pile of cigarette packets, most open, also adorns the table. The walls of the room are covered in stuffed animal heads ie Elephant, lion, Dung beatle etc while numerous oil paintings of the old man squint down at the scene before them. Also in the room stands the houseboy; Giles, the maid and the old man's aide, Carruthers. And so the scene is set.
OLD MAN: "I'll have some of that."
bong bong ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne bong
The old man takes a long drag on his cigarette and glances at Carruthers.
OLD MAN: "Quick, aim the howitzers at the orphanage, We're dealling with a clever enemy."
(It should be noted here that the old man speaks in a voice that grates like Nick Hancock's many times over.)
At this point, the old man throws a coconut at the houseboy, crosses his legs, takes a drag on his cigarette, uncrosses his legs and states:
OLD MAN: "Blimey, those nazis fight well. Got any biscuits, love?"
bong ne ne ne ne ne ne bong nennennenenenenen etc....
At this point, he stands, takes drag on cigarette, sits, stands, begins to sit
but remains standing and walks to the window to view the shanty town below.
After peering out for six minutes at the desolate scene the old man catches a
fleeting glimpse of Carruther's footwear and shouts:
OLD MAN: "Carruthers! Remove those crocodile sho-oo-ooes, crocodile
shoes, do loo loo loo looooo,immediately as they are not
standard military issue!"
With that he grabs his blunderbus from it's wall rack and turns to the camera.
He hollers; "Strawberries, 10 pence a pound!" before running out of the door and towards the shanty dwellings below.
By Mike Hogg (Probably drunk) Sometime in 1996 as a failed attempt at off the cuff humour.