Shouts the eldest!" Hello!" said I," IS ANNIE IN" EH! Yes shes in the garden! There was no more to be said! They just brushed me aside and all Eight trooped through my house and into the Back Garden. Now Ann and I have been together a long time! But I still can't remember:-

1. UNCLE Bob,

2. AUNTIE Ella,

3. Their laddie Jimmy,

4. His Wife

5. Their four briedsnappers.

   Anyway by the time I recovered from this shock and returned to the garden the four kid were sitting around the garden table looking expectantly at Ann and I! Would you like something to eat? BIG MISTAKE! Ann and I spent the next 45 minutes in the Kitchen roasting Chicken portions and Frying enormous portions of chips! As I was in charge of the chips, I took the opportunity to sneak into the living room, And hide away my monthly supply of beer! I managed To plank 4 cans and had the second pack in my hands when Jimmy decided to use our Toilet! SPOTTED!
   

   " HERE DAD! THINGIE'S GETTING THE BEERS IN"

   I smile sickly! and wander out to the garden with the 4 pack, Jimmy (Who has forgotten about his BLADDER) Follows with the remaining 16 cans! I stand and watch in AWE! As Bob, One Handed, Grabs a can, Pulls the ringpull, Drains the contents, crushes the can and places it back on the table! He stands up and says " GOING FOR A PISS, MAKE MORE ROOM!) At this point I knew my beer was doomed! The Children, Having been fed, Decided it was time to explore!
   

   Now! I must explain here, The nearest these people have come to a Garden is the Fungi growing up the Rising damp in the bedroom! Or the Dandelion growing in the guttering on the block of Flats opposite! Presumably the Seed having been Excreted by some poor unfortunate Seagull, Which has been grabbed by the neck and dragged into the top Flat to end up as the Sunday roast!
   

   I, having been brought UP in Inverness, Do not speak as most people from Glasgow do, So presumably this is the reason why I just got blank looks from the children, When I tried to explain to them, That the Wet Sprinkly thing in the centre of the Garden, Was in fact a PEBBLE POOL and not a Urinal nor a drinking Fountain! And they continued to use it as they saw fit. SUDDENLY! The eldest child gave a Blood Curdling Scream :-
   

   " BEASTIES!"

   OH! She had come across the Greenfly on our Lupins, Now for years we Have had a problem with Greenfly on out Lupins, We have tried Sprays And powder of all sorts! Silly us! With in 30 seconds she had wiped out the whole colony of Greenfly, If only we had thought of using a size 6 trainer, So much friendlier for the environment! As I sat devastated in my chair, the head of the youngest of the Snottery nosed kids suddenly appeared from the centre of our lovely Crocosmia masonrum Plant, With a childish gleam on his face, He ran in a straight line, To his Mother, Avoiding neither plant nor seed, And Proudly showed her the Caterpillar he had found! I stared at the trail of devastation he had left in his wake, And Thought to Myself, Well he is only a child! His mother smiled lovingly at him and said :-
   

   "AT'S NICE DEAR, NOW PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT!"

   where upon this miniature bulldozer, turned around and selecting a completely different route, Returned in to the centre of the Crocosmia! At this point THE HAIR AT THE BACK OF MY NECK STARTED TO STAND UP! However a quick glance over my shoulder, Confirmed my worst fears! The third child had dismantled our garden lights and reconnected the wires up to my chair! ( He would never be out of work in America!).
   Sitting at the table, I looked at the last child, A young Blond Girl, Of about five, She was sitting totally engrossed, and drawing the most beautiful picture of a Butterfly that I have ever seen!:-
   

   "OH! THAT'S LOVELY"

   I said, Uncle Bob glowered at me! and said

   " DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH HER, SHE'S NO LIKE THE REST! SHE'S NO THE FULL SHILLING! "

   Thank God for that, I thought! However as time wore on, And the sun started to set, We moved indoors, Ann and I soon found ourselves in the Kitchen again cooking egg and chips to feed the hungry hoards! And at around nine PM, They started talking about getting a taxi! Ann foolishly pointed out that a Taxi would not take eight of them, To which they replied,

   "Well as long as you don't Mind doing two trips"

   Ann and I looked at each other, We didn't offer! Well I don't think we did, But it appears that regardless we were Responsible for getting them home. While Ann went to get the car from the garage, They decided that the Women and children would go in the first trip, The men would just stay and have a wee drink! I thought to my self, Where are they going to get a drink at this time on a Sunday night! The shop is closed and the Pub is about two miles away! OH GOD! One of that little buggers (KIDS) had been in the cupboard and there in plain view was the four pack I had hidden!

   So as Ann took the first lot home, the men sat and drank my remaining Beer, Of course three into four doesn't go! So they took two each, I Was the host and had to make some sacrifice! Eventually! Ann returned and we loaded the remaining drunks in to the back of the car, A shiver went through my body, When Bob Said

   "MUST DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME!"

   and off they went, While I enlisted the help of the garden shovel to try to tidy up the living room before Ann Returned. If I thought the problems were over, I was so wrong! The next morning, I arose and tried to shave! But my Electric razor Was making a strange noise! Upon inspection it was full of white hairs! Making my way downstairs to Draw this to Anns attention, I heard a Sort of Whining noise from the spare bedroom! On opening the door, there stood a rather cold Dalmation! Only now he was bright PINK and Not a hair on his body! Oh God!
   

   ANN! ANN!