So to our first patient, a truly troubled person.....
I'm part of a small, travelling band of midget clowns.
Yesterday, Chuckles, the leader of the troop
took me to one side after
the show and told me I was too tall to continue
with the group (I'm 6'4").
Now I don't know what to do. Midget Clowning
is my whole life. I have
no other skills apart from cat restoration
and that field is saturated
with fresh, young graduates straight from
college. I've considered
re-training in a useful skill like pig shaving
or computer programming,
but I don't know where to start. I'm
a little frightened and
overwhelmed.
Please help ... I'm tall and confused.
Carmine Tworp (Boffo)
Beatty, NV
PS. I do weddings and bahmitsfahs.
boffotheclown@bigtop.com
You poor, poor shorty. I see your point about the cat restoration,
here
in the UK the unemployment lines are full of unemployed cat
restorers.
In fact there was a movie about a group of them who restored a cat
called 'Monty'. Although I was told that the cat in question was
stuffed
with porridge.
I recommend that you go the way of Pig Shaver, not Computer Programmer.
I can see no future for one of your talents in any computer company,
exept maybe Apple.
Don't let Chuckles spurning of you get you upset. I think he was
just
sick of you looking down on him.
Mannaz
Dr.
Ruth Weist-hammerer's opinion.
Since I was a lad, my club has always been
quite an impressive tool, But
lately, my good friend Pebbles has not been
so interested in my almighty
piece of wood (I think she prefers playing
with Dino and that bad
tempered Sabre-toothed cat these days).
Should I just throw away my amazing club handling
skills and strength
and head down the alley to play with my Dad
and Fred's balls, or would
bowling be a waste of my talents?
I really miss the sound of her giggling as
I banged away... I just don't
know what to do, how can I make Pebbles notice
my club once again?
--
Bamm Bamm Rubble
I wouldn't worry if Pebbles is taking more notice of the cat
than of
you. This as most men know is the normal state of affairs. Women
love
cats, no one knows why. After all it's not like a cat is as good
as a
dog!
But your 'banging away with your club' this is a problem. At
the start
of a relationship just banging away is fine. But, as life goes on
women
want a little more. Not more club - more subtlety. Remember it's
not how
big your club is but what you do with it that counts.
If she doesn't come back to you don't worry. There are plenty
more
pebbles on the beach.
Mannaz
Dr. Ruth Weist-hammerer's opinion.
Please help me.
I don't know if I am a boy or a girl and it's
becoming quite a concern.
Every day I have to face new problems....
it's not only confusing
deciding whether to go into the male or female
toilets, but which
technique to use when urinating (I use the
women's way, just to be on the
safe side).
This is just one of the many problems... filling
out forms with a "sex"
question, which underwear to buy.. I mean,
what if I am male and I've
been wearing women's underwear or vice versa?
I can't take the strain of not knowing any
longer. Is there a simple test
to find out, maybe something simple like jumping
in a river to see if you
sink or float?
Any help would be much appreciated.
--
Joe Sephine
Joe (anne?),
It sounds to me like you are a lesbian trapped in a mans body, enjoy!
But seriously many men enjoy the feel of women's underwear rubbing
against
their proud...... STOP THAT! DON'T GO THERE!
Sorry.... I'm in control again.... honest..... ahh the feel of the
silk
and lace NO NO NO!!!
Why are you doing this to me Joe! HEY my analysts name was
Joe! Its you
isn't it, you want me back in therapy! At your prices, you can shove
it
mate.
Love
Mannaz
Dr. Ruth Weist-hammerer's opinion.
Dear Mannaz,
My hobby is cat juggling. Recently, a
friend pointed something shocking
out to me, that people in general don't approve
of cat juggling and
actually consider it animal abuse. Oh
dear, now I don't know what to
think. Should I continue my relentless
practice in throwing the
purrfect (pardon the pun) Triple Gyro Kitty
Swing (a legendary cat
juggling move that is extremely difficult
to watch never mind execute),
or give it all up and bow to public pressure?
Please Mannaz, help me,
tibbles, croaky, bobbins and snufflemufflegus.
We're all confused.
Yours in feline purgatory,
Bryce Sheen (no relation)
Los Angeles, CA
While some people see 'Cat
Juggling' as abuse, there are a growing
number who see the beauty of form that is a flying cat. What concerns
me
more is you attempts at the 'Triple Gyro Kitty Swing'. Don't you
realize
the number of injuries associated with this move? Why I remember
my own
mother yelling- "You'll have your eye out with that!" but that's
another
story. If people do start to question your harmless hobby, just
tell
them it could be worse - you could be taking part in 'Dwarf
Tossing'.
Keep up the cats
Mannaz
Dr.
Ruth Weist-hammerer's opinion.
Dear Mannaz,
Over the past few weeks I've been experiencing,
what I can only describe
as "strange urges". They come upon me
whenever I am near wooded areas. I
suddenly find myself unable to move and feel
compelled to stand with my
arms out-stretched. I have even taken
to carrying assorted leaves around
with me for some unfathomable reason.
I could have coped with this if it
wasn't for a sense of impending doom that
assails me whenever I hear
wood-peckers or see paper. Can you help
me.......
Yours Interfrastically
Confused (just call me "Chip"), Seattle, WA
Your problem is quite
straight forward. You are a natural conduit for
tree like earth force. I have heard stories of an ancient druidic
sect
that your family line may descend from. Most of them (it was a LARGE
sect) lived near Nottingham in England but, they disappeared about
the
time that the Nottingham forest gained in size by 50%. I think you
may
be descended from the branch that came over to America on the Mayflower,
well that's not strictly true, they weren't ON the Mayflower they
WHERE
the Mayflower.
I think the best thing
you can do is find yourself a little spruce and
put down some roots.
Mannaz
Dr.
Ruth Weist-hammerer's opinion.
Help, I've fallen in love with my neighbours
pet cat, Tibbles. Her fur
drives me wild with passion every time I see
her in the back yard. I
don't know what to do, I spend hours fantasizing
about running away
together and living in wild feline sin.
This is ruining my marriage as
my wife just doesn't understand. She
thinks I'm Mad. What should I do?
Yours in Kitty chaos
BJ
Montclaire, MA