Nasty & naughty jokes!


If you are sort of a person that get easily offended?  Then EXIT now.  But if
you like naughty jokes you are in for a joyride!

Sooner or or later the cherry have to pop!  It can be done many ways, here is
one of them;

The  young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first
visit  home  since  starting  college.   "Mom,  I have to tell you," the girl
confessed.  "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her
mother.   "It  was  bound  to  happen  sooner or later.  I just hope it was a
romantic  and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student
remarked.  "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real
sore."

Have you ever wondered why fish smell as it does? Perhaps we can find the 
answear in the Garden of Eden;

"Adam,"  the  heavenly  voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and
Eve do today?" "We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.  "Did you eat
of  the  forbidden  tree?"  asked  God.  "Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.




"And  then  what  did  you do?" God asked.  "We made mad, passionate love all
afternoon."  "Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.  "She's down at the brook
washing  herself out." "Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all the fish are going
to smell like that!"

Some bar's you like some you hate and some can just offer a good time!

Two guys wandered into a bar.  One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya,
Mike.  Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim
partner and boasted, "This is a great bar.  For every two drinks you buy, the
house gives you one.  And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's
not so great,"responded the friend.  "There's a bar across town That'll match
you  drink  for  drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is
this  place?"  the  first  guy exclaimed.  "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow
replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

Are you one of those who think you have been mixed up with some other kid
when you was born? Dont worry there is ways to find sort that out!

Three  women  -  a German, a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to seven-pound
baby  boys  at the same time.  The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and
couldn't  tell  which  baby  belonged to which mother.  After an hour of mass
confusion  the father of the German baby decided he'd settle the problem.  He
walked  into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row.  He clicked




his heels, raised his arm and shouted, "Heil Hitler!" The German baby snapped
to attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played in it.

If you ever is going to have a honeymoon, then you will be anxious to do
your jobb right and show a hell of a performance right? Well sometimes 
enough is enough;

Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked
him  how  it  went.   "The  first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The
second  night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night,
six  times.   The  fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and
the  last  night,  nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?" "Hey, you
ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"

Have  you  had  difficulties  to put the words right?  When you speak you say
something  that  is way out of line and you make a ass out of yourself?  Well
here is a great example;

Two  high-school  buddies  were attending the senior prom.  "Suzy wants to go
out  to  my  car.   She's really hot," one boy said.  "I'm really nervous.  I
know  I'll  goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him.  "All you gotta
do  is  compliment  her.  Chicks love to be complemented.  You'll have her in
the  palm  of  your  hand."  About a half-hour later the young man came back,
rubbing  a  black eye.  "Shit, man!  What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.




"I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "sure I did.  We got in my
car  and  started  kissing.   I  told  her that for such full lips, hers sure
tasted sweet.  She liked that.  After a while I started feeling her tits, and
I  told  her  that for such large breasts they sure were firm.  She like that
too."  "It  sounds  like you were doing great," his friend said.  "Well," the
other  answered,  "that's when everything went wrong.  I got her dress up and
her  panties  off, and I tried to think of another compliment." "What did you
say?" "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

Not  now  hon'  I have a headache.  I guess most of you know what that means?
If  you  get  the  message  every time you want some, then there is something
wrong somewhere, perhaps the milkman!  Ever thought about a payback?  Here is
a rather NAUGHTY example;

It  was  a  warm,  sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the
zoo.   They  spent  the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla
cage,  and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.  "That gorilla is
getting  excited  just  looking  at your tits," he said.  "Why don't you take
your  blouse  off  and  we'll  see what he does?" At first she declined.  But
finally  persuaded  by  her  husband,  she  took off her blouse and bra.  The
gorilla  went nuts.  He started grunting and jumping up and down.  "Hey," the
husband  said,  "let's  really  blow his mind.  Take off all your clothes and
we'll  see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.  This
time  the  ape  really  went  bananas!   He climbed up and down the bars, did




flips,  ran  around  in  circles  and tossed his food all over the cage.  The
husband  went  over  to  the  cage,  opened  the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"

Ever been in a situation where you got a pea stuck in your nose, or a peanut
stuck in your ear? Nah didn't think so either. But this guy is up for a smelly
surprise!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.  He'd toss them
in the air, then catch them in his mouth.  In the middle of catching one, his
wife  asked  a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his
ear.   He  tried  and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.   He  called  his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became  worried  and decided to go to the hospital.  As they were ready to go
out  the  door, their daughter came home with her date.  After being informed
of  the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.  The
young  man  told  the  father  to  sit  down,  then shoved two fingers up the
father's  nose  and  told him to blow hard.  When the father blew, the peanut
flew  out.   The  mother  and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.  The mother
said  to  the  young  man, "That was wonderful.  You should be a doctor!" The
ungrateful  father  jumped  up,  twisted  the  boy's  arm behind his back and
yelled,  "Doctor,  my  ass!   He's  going  to  be  our son-in-law.  Smell his
fingers!"




Personally  I  think  the  church  is just a excuse for screwing you for some
dough!  Here is the proof!!!

Three  men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi -
were  counting  collections  taken  during  services for the week.  They were
trying  to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the
two  churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income).
The  priest was the first to speak:  "I know what!  I'll draw a line down the
middle  of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on
the  right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is
for  us."  The  Baptist minister cried, "No!  No!  No!  I'll draw a circle in
the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls
inside  the  circle  is  for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for
us."  The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside.  There
he  offered  this suggestion:  "What I would do with the money is this:  Toss
it  up  in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the
ground is ours."

Evern been looking at sports, been annoyed because you can't the rules of the
game?  Well do not trust a football player if you don't know the rules!

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble.  A woman
was  stuck  on  the fourth floor with her baby.  The fire fighters instructed
her  to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but




the  mother  refused.   Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man
burst  through  the  crowd  and  shouted to the women.  He said that he was a
professional  football player and that he could catch the baby safely.  After
a  few  minutes  more  of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the
child  drop.   The  football  player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody
cheered.   At  that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air,
spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"

There is those who get it and those who maybe settle with a replacement!

There  was  a  fellow  who  had never been to bed with a woman, so two of his
friends  decided to play a trick on him.  They bought an inflatable love doll
and  put  it  into his bed.  Then called him at work and told him the girl of
his  dreams was home in bed and ready for anything.  The next day his friends
asked  him  how things had gone.  "Very strange," he replied.  "I slipped out
of  my  clothes  and got in beside her.  She was cold, so I tried to warm her
up.  Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few times and flew out
the window!"

When  you  are without "IT" for a very long time, you start to think of other
solutions, perhaps not appealing ones.  But still a solution for your ache!

An  Eastern  newspaper  correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town
when  he  noticed  a curious lack of women.  Walking into the local saloon he




asked   a   cocky  shitkicker,  "What  do  you  fellas  do  around  here  for
entertainment?"  "Ya  mean women?" asked the shitkicker.  "We ain't got none.
'Round  here folks fuck sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent,
"I've  never  heard  of such moral degredation." However, after a few months,
the  correspondent's  rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking
more  and more attractive.  So he finally went out and found himself a comely
sheep,  brought  her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in
her  hair.   After  a  bottle  of  champagne,  he  lured  the  sheep into his
bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.  Afterward, he escorted his
four-legged  lover  to  the saloon for a drink.  As the correspondent and his
wooly  mate  entered,  a  hush  fell  over the patrons and the anxious couple
became  the  object  of  many stares.  "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the
reporter  yelled.   "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up
right  you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the
back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

Ever  been  in  a  situation  where  you  cant get the cork scrw of your beer
bottle?  There is allways a way to remove it, here is a UNUSUAL way to do it!

A  grungy  old  lumberjack,  in town for the first time in weeks, went to the
local  brothel  and  demanded  the roughest, toughest and meanest girl in the
house.   "That'll  be Mary," said the madam.  "Go to Room Four, and I'll send
her  up."  "Fine,"said  the  lumberjack, and  tell  her  to bring a couple  of
beers."  In  due time, Mary appeared.  She put the two bottles of beer on the




floor,  took  off her negligee, positioned herself on her hands and knees and
pointed to her pussy.  "No!  No!" exclaimed the lumberjack.  "In the bed, the
old-fashioned way!" "Sure,pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to
open them beers first."

Harr harr harr, that was all folks!

If you have any good jokes or storys you want others to know about, then mail
your stuff to -> wsg@hm.telia.no , and we put it in the next issue.