Neil, the band's sound man (in every sense), once again imparts his words of wisdom to all you budding sound engineers.

'Hi. This is likely to be my 'hardest column' to date as we tackle the tricky question of dealing with dickheads from the audience who think they know better than me which knob to twist. Such idiots will constantly visit the mixing tower and take it in turns to say one of:

I can't hear the guitar.

Ignore this person as he is stone deaf.

I can't hear the bass.

Usually the Bass Player himself and not only can the whole town hear the bass but nobody has noticed that he is missing from the stage.

The middle is a bit woolly.

This person is dangerous as he knows some of the technical terms. Just shrug your shoulders and whinge about the band's naff gear.

What time do you get off?

If this is a nice young lady, switch the lights to 'chase' and buy her a drink. If its a bloke, phane deafness and turn it up.

Its too loud and I can't understand a word the singer is saying.

Congratulate yourself on a job well done.

In the next issue, Neil will explain how to ensure that one channel of the desk is left unused so that minute adjustments may be made to it when impressing the girls.