# "fortunes"  Used by the "fortune" program.   Updated 01/14/90
A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.
A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.
A conservative is a worshipper of dead radicals.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy all others.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A fool plunges ahead with great confidence.
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
A liberal is someone too poor to be conservative, and too rich to be a communist.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.
A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head.
A \c4Smith & Wesson\q1 beats four aces.
A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a forgone conclusion.
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will \c4protect the fuse\q1 by blowing first.
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends.
A wise man has something to say, \c4a fool has to say something.
A wish is a desire without an attempt.
According to the latest official figures, \c443%\q1 of all statistics are totally worthless.
Acting on a good idea is better than just having a good idea.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
After a number of decimal places, \c4nobody gives a damn.
After things have gone from bad to worse, \c4the cycle will repeat itself.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
All animals are created equal, but some animals are created more equal than others.
All general statements are false.
All great ideas are controversial, \c4or have been at one time.
All in all, you're just \c4another brick\q1 in the wall....
All's fair in Love and War \c4(Is there a difference?)\q1
Always remember that strength is obtained by meeting resistance.
An easily understood workable falsehood is more useful than a complex incomprehensible truth
An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data must be discarded to agree with the theory.
An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist \c4\5FEARS\q1 it's true.
An optimist is one who makes the best of it, \c4when he gets the worst of it.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Any government that is strong enough to give the people everything they  want \c4is a government that's strong enough to take it away.
Any program will expand to fill available memory.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. \c4Arthur C. Clarke\q1
Any system that depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Apathy is the worlds fastest growing disease. \c4But who cares?\q1
Attitude determines your altitude.
Average is as close to the bottom as to the top.
Attitude determines your altitude.
Be careful of your thoughts, \c4they may become words at any moment.
Beauty may only be skin deep, \c4but ugly goes clean to the bone.\q1
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Being born was just the first of my crimes.
Better a pebble given out of love, \c4than a diamond given out of duty.
Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, \c4the root of all evil.
Big Brother is Watching! \c4George Orwell\q1
Boycott Jane Fonda. \c4(everyone hates Jane Fonda, don't they?)\q1
By perseverance, \c4the snail reached the ark.
Calculation never made a hero.
Change is certain, \c4progress is not.
Character is what you know you are, \c4not what others think you are.
Coles Law:  \c4Thinly Sliced Cabbage\q1
Confession is good for the soul, \c4but bad for the career.
Confusion creates jobs!
Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.
Delusions are often functional.
Democracy is based on the assumption that a million men are wiser than one.
Desperate men do desperate things.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Don't force it, \c4get a larger hammer.
Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Even the smallest candle burns \c9brighter\q1 in the dark.
Every dog has his day.
Every man has the right to be wrong in his opinions, but no man has the right to be wrong in his facts.
Every man must row with the oars he has.
Every purchase has it's price.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everything is worth what it's purchaser will pay for it.
Expenditures rise to meet available income.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Expert advice is a great comfort, \c4even when it's wrong.
Facts are stubborn things.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
For every action, \c4there is an equal and opposite government program.
For whatever reason, be it historical, or oppression, or what have you, \c4there are an awful lot of not too bright women.
Forgive and Remember.
Form never follows function.
Friends come and go, \c4but enemies accumulate.
Friends don't let their friends drive drunk.
Get yours while there's still some left.
Goals are dreams with deadlines.
God does not play dice.
God made the integers, \c4all else is the work of man.
God may be subtle, \c4but he isn't plain mean.
Good fences make good neighbors.
Government can't change the course of the ship, it merely adjusts the compass.
Government isn't the solution, it's the problem. \c4Ronald Reagan\q1
Government is an association of men who do violence to the rest of us.
Gun control is being able to hit your target.
Habit is stronger than reason.
He that would first govern others, \c4first should be a master of himself.
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
He who has the gold makes the rules.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
He who is ignorant of the past, \c4is condemned to repeat it.
He who loses his head is usually the last one to miss it.
He who pays the piper calls the tune.
He who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help Stamp Out and Eliminate Redundancy \c4Help Stamp Out and Eliminate Redundancy\q1
Hindsight is an exact science.
History repeats itself.
How much dirt must you shovel on something that's already dead?
Human beings are consistently inconsistent.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
I already came, \c4so stop jerking me off.
I don't know, I don't care and it doesn't make any difference.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
If at first you don't succeed, \c4redefine success.\q1
If at first you don't succeed, \c4try someone else.\q1
If god didn't exist, \c4it would be necessary to invent him.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; \c4it's opinion.\q1
If it weren't for the last minute, \c4nothing would get done.
If rats are experimented on, \c4they will develop cancer.
If she's Snow White, \c4then I must be Grumpy.
If tempted by something that feels \c4"altruistic"\q1, examine your motives and root out the self-deception.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, \c4they must be disposed of.
If the opposite of pro is con, \c4what is the opposite of Progress?
If there is an opinion, \c4facts will be found to support it.
If things were left to chance, \c4they'd be better.
It works better if you plug it in.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, \c4start at the answer and derive the question.
If you can't measure it, \c4I'm not interested.\q1
If you can't win, make the one in front of you break the record.
If you consult enough experts, \c4you can confirm any opinion.\q1
If you do something right once, \c4someone will ask you to do it again.
If you don't know where you're going, \c4any road will take you there.\q1
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer, \c4it just seems that way.\q1
If you want to get along, \c4go along.
If you're coasting, \c4you're going downhill.\q1
If you've got 'em by the balls, \c4their hearts and minds will follow.
If you're strong enough, \c4there are no precedents.
Ignorance is Bliss! \c4George Orwell\q1
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, \c4is the mistake.
In the act of loving someone, \c4you arm them against you.\q1
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
Individualists Unite!
Inflation is one form of taxation that can be imposed without legislation.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Instead of putting others in their place, \c4put yourself in their place.
Integrity has no need of rules.
Interchangeable parts won't.
It is better to risk saving a guilty man, \c4than to condemn an innocent one.\q1
It is the loose ends with which men hang themselves.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better to be a lion for a day, \c4than a sheep all your life.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, \c4than to open it and remove all doubt.
It's fascinating how memory diffuses fact.
It's hard to detect good luck, \c4it looks so much like \c4something you've earned.
It's not easy taking problems one at a time, \c4when they refuse to get in line.
It's pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.
Law, without force is impotent.
Life is tough, \c4life is tougher when you're stupid.\q1
Man created god in his own image.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Men get mad and get it over with, \c4women hold grudges forever.\q1
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than from nuclear power.
Most men who run down women are usually running down only one woman.
Most problems partially defined are problems partially solved.
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Law:  \c4If anything can go wrong, it will.
Negative expectations yield \c4negative\q1 results, \c4Positive expectations yield \q1\5negative\q1\c4 results.\q1
Never forget what a man says to you when he's angry.
Never let hold of what you've got \c4until you've got hold of something else.\q1
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
Never look behind you, \c4something may be gaining on you.
Never \c4program\q1 and \c4drink\q1 beer at the same time.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never trust anyone that volunteers to assume authority.
Never try and teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
New Jersey?  \c4What exit....\q1
Ninety percent of everything is bullshit.
No action is without side effects.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man can truly grow up while his father is still alive.
No man's life, liberty or possessions are safe while the legislature is in session.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
No one really knows enough to be a pessimist.
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere in your organization.
Not all men are fools, \c4some are bachelors.\q1
Nothing is certain except death and taxes.
Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
Of all the forces acting on man, \c4change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.
Of all the things I've lost, \c4I miss my mind the most.\q1
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives.
Once you eliminate the impossible, what remains is the solution, no matter improbable it may seem.
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can  them is to use a bigger can.
One man's wage rise is another man's price increase.
Only God can make a random selection. \c4(Even though the computer randomly chose this message)\q1
One of the few rules of evolution is that extreme specialization results in eventual extinction.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Parkinson's Axioms:  \c4Officials want to multiply subordinates.\q1                  \c4Officials make work for each other.\q1
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
People are divided into two groups, the righteous and the un-righteous, \c4and the righteous do the dividing.
People don't plan to fail, \c4they fail to plan.
People who say they're willing to meet you halfway are often poor judges of distance.
Possessions increase to fill available space.
Power means not having to respond.
Pray for the success of atheism.
Problems are only Opportunities in Disguise.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.
Reality is for those people who can't cope with drugs.
Reality is the illusion produced by an alcohol deficiency.
Reality is the leading cause of stress, among those that are in touch with reality.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
Remember the turtle, he never makes any progress until \c4he sticks his neck out.
Reputation is character minus what \c4you've been caught doing.\q1
Rust Never Sleeps.
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
Say no, \c4then negotiate.\q1
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
She cried, \c4and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
Shirley's Law:  \c4Most people deserve each other.\q1
Shit Happens.
Social legislation cannot repeal physical laws.
Software stands between man and his machine.
Sometimes you just gotta say \c4"What the fuck!"\q1
Sometimes you step in it, \c4and sometimes you don't.\q1
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
Statistical analysis has often meant the mainpulation of ambiguous data by means of dubious methods to solve a problem that has not been defined.
Stupid people shouldn't breed.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Technological man can't believe in anything that can't be measured, taped or put into a computer.
Thank God, we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him your friend.
The best way to succeed in politics is to find a crowd that's  going somewhere \c4and get in front of them.
The field of probability is too important to be left to chance.
The final test of a gentleman is his respect for those who can be of no possible use to him.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The future isn't what it used to be.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The government that governs least governs best.
The greatest American superstition is the belief in facts.
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The greatest masterpiece of literature is only a dictionary out of order.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The knowledge that a secret exists is half the secret.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
The liberal paranoids \c4(if that's not redundant)\q1 are at it again.
The man who invented the guillotine died under it's knife.
The most dangerous of untruths, \c4are truths moderately distorted.
The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
The other line moves faster.
The person who knows everything has a lot to learn.
The pessimist complains about the wind, the optimist expects it to change, \c4the realist adjusts the sails.\q1
The price of greatness is responsibility.
The probability of being watched is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The probability of failure is directly proportional to the anxiety of the programmer.
The real world is a special case.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
The secret of success is sincerity, learn to fake it and you've got it made.
The solution to the problem, \c4changes the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sum of intelligence on the planet is constant, \c4the population is growing.
The supply of government exceeds the demand.
The ten most feared words in the English language are: \c4"Hello, I'm from the government and I'm here to help...."\q1
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, \c4you're still a rat.\q1
The world wisely chooses happiness over wisdom.
The worst form of inequality is to try and make unequal things equal.
The worst thing in the world, next to anarchy, is government.
There are no winners in life, \c4only survivors.
There are two reasons for doing things, a very good reason and the real reason.
There are white lies, damn lies and \c4statistics.
There is more to fear from an army of 100 sheep led by a lion, than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
There is no greater wrath than a woman scorned. \c4(or one that thinks she was)\q1
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no such thing as a fail-safe design.
There is no such thing as a "free lunch". \c4(only a choice of restaurants)\q1
There is no such thing as a little garlic.
There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest it.
There's three sides to every story, yours, mine and \c4the cold hard truth.\q1
Those who don't study the past will repeat it's errors.
They never remember when I'm right and never forget when I'm wrong.
Time is natures way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time rarely proceeds at a pace perceived by the individual as appropriate.
To love is to be vulnerable.
To make an enemy, \c4do someone a favor.\q1
To think is easy and to act is hard, but the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.
Today is the day you worried about yesterday.
Tolerances will accumulate uni-directionally toward maximum difficultly to assemble.
Total paranoia is perfect awareness.
Trust everyone, \c4then cut the cards.\q1
Two farmers, each claimed to own a certain cow.  While one pulled on  it's head and the other on the tail, \c4the cow was milked by a lawyer.\q1
Unity is a polite word for control.
Unless you're the lead mule, \c4the scenery is always the same.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Walk softly and carry a \c4big stick.
Watch out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow.
We, the willing , led by the unknowing are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
We cannot imagine how our lives could be more frustrating or complex, \c4but congress can...\q1
We have met the enemy and he is us.
Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.
What's the difference between Dan Quayle and Jane Fonda? \c4-- She went to Vietnam --\q1
What men learn from history, \c4is that men do not learn from history.
What's the difference between marriage and a gun? \c4--- The gun is faster.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
When all else fails, \c4lower your standards.\q1
When all else fails, \c4read the instructions.\q1
When does a system administrator do the first backup? \c4The first day on the job after the system adminsitrator who never did.\q1
When guns are outlawed, \c4only outlaws will have guns.\q1
When in doubt, \c4predict that the present trend will continue.
When it gets to be your turn, \c4they change the rules.\q1
When people are free to do as they choose,  \c4they usually imitate each other.\q1
When regard for the truth has been broken down or even slightly weakened, \c4all things remain doubtful.
When two men in business always agree, \c4one of them is unnecessary.
When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person's money, \c4fraud will result.
When working toward the solution of a problem, \c4it always helps if you already know the answer.
When your opponent is down, \c4kick him.\q1
Where all think alike, \c4no one thinks very much.
Why do divorces cost so much? \c4-- Because they're worth it! --\q1
Why is it that all the women that are against abortion, \c4no one would want to fuck anyway???
What the hell, \c4go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Call a spade a spade, a hoe a hoe, and a pitchfork a pitchfork.
Freedom is never free.
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made.
You aren't drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You can achieve more by patience than talent.
You can close your eyes to reality, \c4but not to memories.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical \c4as readily as by being too trusting.
You can have peace or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.
You can observe alot just by watching.
You can tune a piano, \c4but you can't tuna fish.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.
You can't become a martyr every time you get ticked off.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
You can't fix it if it ain't broke.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't win, you can't break even, \c4you can't even quit.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot lift up the wage-earner up by pulling down the wage-payer.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You know you're in trouble when you can't stand folks who are intolerant.
You'll find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes, \c4keep this is mind.
You're never alone with a schizophrenic.
A computer's attention span is only as long as it's power cord.
Everything needs a little oil now and then.
You can't gaurd against the arbitrary.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Love stinks.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
What most people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidities.
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, \c4but we never hear his side.\q1
Nothing happens to you that hasn't happened to someone else.
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.
It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearance.
When in doubt, \c4tell the truth.\q1
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
The more advanced the civilization, \c4the less powerful the individual.\q1
When in doubt, \c4power down.\q1
A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability is intolerable.
The error-detection and correction capabilites of any system will serve as the key to understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
Everything you know is wrong.
Always draw your curves, \c4then plot the data.\q1
Appearances often are deceiving.
Be careful what you wish for, \c4you might get it.\q1
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  \c4Monogamy is the same.\q1
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Colorless green odors gravitate furiously.
Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
Do not tell big lies.  \c4Small ones can be just as effective.\q1
Don't crush that dwarf, \c4hand me the pliers.\q1
Don't ever slam a door, \c4you might want to go back.\q1
If you push something hard enough, \c4it will fall over.
If you don't care where you are, \c4then you ain't lost.\q1
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Never, ever use \c4repetitive redundancies.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Sooner or later, \c4the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
When in doubt, \c4take all the defaults.\q1
Who is John Galt?
The most useful program will be continually improved until it is useless.
California has it's faults.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Of the choice of two evils, \c4pick the one you've never tried before.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don't byte, \c4they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent.  \c4They only think they are.
Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
TRAPEZOID - \c4A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When in doubt, \c4don't bother.
Commodore Amiga, the computer for the creative mind.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
A place for everything, and everything in its place.
Computer hackers do it all night long. 
Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect --- \c4Mark Twain
Good advice usually works best when preceded by a bad scare.
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous, \c4you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides.
It is important for our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them, \c4and important to friendship that we are not.
Storms make trees take deeper roots.
He who praises everybody, \c4praises nobody.
Sometimes the fool who rushes in \c4gets the job done.
How can you be in two places at once, \c4when you're nowhere at all?