#Titel Jokes & Stories / Englisch / BarTrek II #Logo gadget30:Pinsel/AG.J&S #Font topaz 8 #C10 From: TAB129@psuvm.psu.edu (Todd Bobenrieth) Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative #Font Losse 16 #C31 BarTrek II #Y-10 #Font topaz 8 #C10 [ Part I in "AmigaGadget"#27 ] Fade into the usual starfield with the Enterprise traveling along. #C21 Picard : Captain's Log Stardate 41038.4. The Enterprise is heading #Y-10 #C10 (voice only) #C21 to Alpha Beta Gammadata in response to a distress call from its inhabitants..the Alpha Beta Gammadatans... #C10 Cut to a shot of the bridge, where Data is playing with a Chinese Finger Trap, Geordie is playing a video game on the Main Viewer, Troi is opening a pack of cigarettes, and Riker is sleeping in his chair. #C21 Data: Hey, ah, Geordie. Did you know that the Finger Trap was invented by, ah, Chin'gart of China around the 4th Century? Geordie: Gee, Data, I didn't know that... Troi: That's cuz he made it up, Geordie...he doesn't actually know all this information he keeps astounding you with. Data: Hey, contraire, mon frair... all my information is factual. #C10 Picard comes onto the bridge. #C21 Picard: Wake up, Riker! #C10 Riker suddenly sits up in his chair, Troi crushes her pack of cigarettes. #C21 Picard: Anything to report, Number Twelve? Riker: Yeah, I had this dream that I was covered in honey and Troi was a real big bumble bee. #C10 Troi gasps. #C21 Picard: No, I mean about our mission. Riker: Ah, no. Sorry. #C10 Picard shrugs. Worf comes onto the bridge. #C21 Worf: Afternoon, everyone. Crew: WORF! Geordie: Whats your story, Worf? Worf: Klingon orders drink, Klingon gets drink, Klingon drinks. #C10 Worf goes to his station and pours himself a beer, then notices a blinking light. #C21 Worf: Sir, there's a subspace message coming in from Starfleet Headquarters. Picard: On screen. #C10 The viewer changes to a shot of Admirel Hogan. (Hulk Hogan) Hogan is looking off screen to the left(he's in profile) #C21 Picard: Greetings, Admirel. What seems to be the trouble. Hogan: Let me just tell ya this, Captain...the inhabitants of Alpha Beta Gammadata are really getting flustered because some unknown ship has really torn up their planet. Your orders are #Y-10 #C10 (turns to face the camera) #C21 to get to their planet as fast as you can and assess the situation. Early reports seem to point towards the Borg. Picard: The Borg? We haven't seen them since my first voyage. This could present quite a problem. Hogan: Well, ya know that's exactly right, Picard. And don't forget those nasty Romulans could be in the area too. Picard: I always anticipate a reunion with Sela. Hogan: Whatever...anyway..if it is the Borg, we must defeat them...so be prepared to endulge in the three demandments of the training, the prayers, and the vitamins, and if you run in to them, you tell them from me this one thing...Whatcha gonna do..when the Federation runs wild on you. Hogan out! #Y-10 #C10 (poses) The screen switches to the FOX logo. #C21 Picard: It appears we have quite a task ahead of us...LaForge..warp ten to Alpha Beta Gammadata. #C10 Fade into the title sequence and credits. Commercials Fade back into an exterior shot of the Enterprise..titles appear.. THE BEST OF BOTH BARS Cut to transporter room #C21 O'Brien : Coordinates are set, Commander. #Y-10 #C10 (still played by Leslie Nielson) #C21 Riker: Swell. Alright, lets find out what happened down there, O'Brien. O'Brien: I thought I'd stay here for this one. Riker: No I mean me and the away team. O'Brien: Oh, yes of course. Riker: Energize. #C10 The away team disappears in the transporter beam, then materializes on the planet's surface, which is all torn up. #C21 LaForge: What a mess. You'd think they'd at least sweep up when they knew we were coming. Data: Well, Geordie, the Alpha Beta Gammadatans are a, ah, slovenly people by nature. Riker: I don't think this is the people's fault. LaForge: Oh, here we go...blame the animals. Riker: No, I mean I bet it was the Borg. Worf: Well, this place is totalled. Can we go home now? Riker: I guess so. Captain, this planet is in ruins, but we #Y-10 #C10 (taps comm badge) #C21 can't be sure it was the Borg. Picard: Will, during the time you were down there, the Hood arrived and brought us an expert on the Borg. Commander Shelby found a Borg signature. Number Twelve...its them. Beam back here at once. Riker: You got it, sir. Riker out. O'Brien, beam us back. #Y-10 #C10 (taps badge again) #C21 O'Brien: Alright. #C10 The away team beams back. Cut to bridge where Picard talking is talking to a blonde woman. Riker and the away team enter from the turbolift. #C21 Crew: WORF!! #C10 Worf waves to everyone. #C21 Riker: Well, Captain, where's Shelby? #C10 The blonde woman turns around. Shelby is played by Kelly Bundy(Christina Applegate) #C21 Shelby: That's me. #C10 Riker's jaw drops. #C21 Riker: Uh....hi there. I'm Commander William T. Riker. Shelby: Yes, Captain Pontiac has told me so much about you. Riker: You mean Captain Picard... Shelby: No, he told me about you! Riker: Right...so Captain, you mentioned a Borg signature... Picard: Yes, Number Twelve. Look at the viewscreen. #C10 Cut to viewscreen where carved out on the planet's surface is the words... THE BORG WERE HERE! #C21 Worf: Sir, message coming in from Starfleet Command. Picard: On screen. #C10 Viewer switches to Admirel Hogan. #C21 Picard: Picard here... Hogan: Ewwww! Picard What can I do for you? Hogan: Well, for starters, you can report your findings! Picard: Admirel, the damage done to Alpha Beta Gammadata WAS done by the Borg. Hogan: Then it seems like I got some bad news for you, bruddah! Picard: What do you mean? Hogan: I just received word that a big cube shaped vessel attacked a Ferengi ship in sector 0.9. Picard: That's in Federation space. Hogan: Well, lemme tell ya this, Picard...your orders are to go to sector 0.9 and try to persuade the Borg to take a hike. Picard: Understood, Admirel. Hogan: And if somehow they make it past you, Mean Jean-Luc...the largest fleet in the galaxy will be waiting in sector 0.7 to squeeze their heads like a pimple. #C10 Hogan rips off his dress shirt and poses as the WWF logo replaces him on the screen. #C21 Picard: Mr. LaForge, set a course for sector 0.9, warp nine. #C10 The music reaches a peak as we fade out. COMMERCIAL #C21 Voice: From the makers of Horror Planet, Terror Train, Fright Night, and Fear City comes the most frightening film ever...Jeff McQuillen in.... THE SCARY MOVIE #C10 Display scenes which show nothing scary about the movie. #C21 Voice: The Scary Movie...starts Friday at a theatre near you. #C10 Fade back in to the Enterprise coming out of Warp. #C21 Riker: Well, where are they? Worf: hey, there's a ship at 9000 kilometers. Picard: Plot a course to intercept it. Worf: Sir, they've already moved to intercept US! Shelby: How can you guys be thinking of football at a time like this? LaForge: Sir, they are within visual range. Picard: Put them on screen. #C10 The screen switches to a shot of a small object in the distance. #C21 Picard: Magnify. #C10 LaForge gets out a HUGE magnifying lens and takes it up to the viewer..the Borg ship is clearly seen now. #C21 Worf: Sir, they are hailing us. Picard: Let's hear what they have to say. Borg Voice : You...are directed to lower your shields...AND... #Y-10 #C10 (Bill Cosby) #C21 transport Captain Jean-Luc Picard to our ship, or you will be destroyed. Any attempt to stop us will prove futile. Riker: I thought they were only interested in the Enterprise. Data: Looks like they, ah...changed their mind. Borg: Funny you should put it that way. Picard: Cut communications. #C10 Worf takes out scissors and cuts a cable going into his console. #C21 Riker: We won't let them take you, sir. Picard: Nice to know you care. So...ideas anyone? LaForge: Let's have a yard sale. #C10 Picard hits his own forehead with his palm. #C21 Data: Yo, ah, Cappy...I got an idea. Picard: Gee whiz, Data...what a surprise. Data: We could separate the saucer section and attack them from both sides. Riker: What? This thing can separate? Picard: Shelby...you're the Borg expert..say something... Shelby: Something. Riker: How can you be a Borg expert when you've never met them. Come to think of it, we only were around them for about 5 minutes. Data: Plot inconsistency. Shelby: Well, one thing's for sure...they inept quickly. Picard: Adapt. Shelby: No, it's true! Riker: So, I guess the Main Deflector Dish is out of the question? Data: Well, Willie, who's to say that this is the, ah, same ship? Maybe the first one didn't tell the others about the dish. Troi: Oh, I'm sure that when it pulled into base, its captain said, "Umm..I accidentally hit a moon. Picard: I'll take this into account. #C10 The Borg clears its throat #C21 Picard: Oops...almost forgot. Open channel, Worf. Borg commander, we can't obey your directive. Borg: Why not? Picard: Because we don't want to. Borg: Tough! Lower your shields and beam over! You will comply immediately! Picard: No, I won't. Borg: Please. Picard: NO! #C10 The Enterprise rocks and everyone falls to the floor. #C21 Worf: Sir, that did not come from the Borg ship? Picard: Well, where did it come from? #C10 The viewer switches to an external shot of the IRV Gary's Tavern. #C21 Gary: Hello, Picard! #C10 Fade out. COMMERCIAL #C21 Voice: This week on FOX, its the 23rd Annual Miss America Pageant with special guest hosts, Mike Tyson and Clarence Thomas. #C10 The show turns into a brawl. Fade back into the viewscreen, now with Gary on it. #C21 Picard: Cpt. Gary, what is the meaning of this?! Gary: Take a wild guess. LaForge: You want us to buy Avon products?! Gary: Close, you are going to buy the farm. LaForge: Ohhhhh...that's no so bad, I grew up on a farm. Picard: Gary, can't you see we are a little busy? #C10 Cut to Gary's bridge with Picard on screen #C21 Gary: What do you mean? Picard: Look behind you. Gary: Oh no ya don't. I'm not falling for that old one. #C10 Cut to external shot of Gary's Tavern with the Borg ship looming up behind it. #C21 Gary: Do you think we were born yesterday? LaForge: Sir, I doubt they were...they wouldn't be this tall. Gary: Prepare to die! #C10 The Borg ship fires at Gary's Tavern as it explodes into a million pieces. #C21 LaForge: Ha! He MISSED!!!! Borg: Alright, Picard. Now you see what we can do...are you ready to beam over now? Picard: The answer is still no! #C10 A Borg suddenly materializes on the bridge of the Enterprise. It bears a striking resemblance to Mark Lenard. #C21 Worf: Sir, behind you! #C10 Worf takes out his phaser and shoots the Borg, who falls down. Another Borg materializes and grabs Worf. A third Borg arrives and grabs Picard. Picard and the Borg beam away as Worf gets free. The second Borg leaves, also. #C21 Riker: Wow. Worf: Commander...we must go get the Captain. Data: Come on, Willie...lets beam over there and see what's up. Riker: Alright, Worf, Data...lets go... Troi: Oh, can I go too? Riker: No Troi: Oh, come on... Riker: Alright, let's go. Worf: Ummm, Commander..perhaps you should stay. Riker: How come? Worf: If we all leave, look who will be in charge. #C10 All look at LaForge, who is picking his nose. #C21 Riker: You're right. I'll stay here, and hurry up! #C10 The away team exits. Cut to the Borg ship where the three materialize. #C21 Troi: I sense someone is behind me. #C10 Troi swings around and clubs Data, who falls to the floor. #C21 Worf: Data, quit playing around, we have to find the Captain. #C10 Data gets back up and they walk down a corridor. Suddenly a Borg comes around the corner and approaches the away team. Troi runs up and sticks her tongue out at it. #C21 Worf: Counciller, duck! Troi: That's Counciller Troi!!! #C10 Worf shoots and Troi disintegrates. #C21 Worf: Oops... #C10 Worf hands his phaser to Data. #C21 Worf: Umm...he did it. Data: Hey, uh, Worfy, that is not true. Worf: Shoot him, Data! #C10 Data fires and the Borg falls down. Two more Borg come around the corner. #C21 Data: Here, take this back, I have one. #C10 Data hands the phaser back to Worf and pulls out his own. #C21 Data: Wait a minute..this is my dust buster. #C10 Data puts it back on his belt and takes out a phaser. They both shoot the Borg, who have adapted to block the rays. #C21 Worf: Rats. #C10 Data looks around the floor. #C21 Data: Where? #C10 Suddenly Worf looks down the corridor beside him and sees Captain Picard, dressed in a Borg outfit. #C21 Worf: CAPTAIN!!! #C10 Worf runs down the hall and trips over a box. #C21 Data: Worf, you fell. Worf: Really???? #C10 Worf gets back up and tries to grab Picard, but a force field is around him. #C21 Data: We must beam back at once. #C10 Worf taps his comm badge. #C21 Worf: Two to beam back. #C10 Worf and a Borg transport away...Data looks around at the many Borg coming at him. #C21 Data: Ummm...hi guys. You like trivia? #C10 Suddenly Data beams away and the Borg comes back. Cut to the Enterprise bridge. #C21 Riker: Well, where are they? #C10 Worf comes in off the turbolift. #C21 Crew: WORF!!! Worf: Hi everyone. #C10 Data comes in off the turbolift. #C21 Data: Afternoon everyone. Crew: Booooo!!! Hissssss!!!! #C10 Data slouches down in his chair. #C21 Riker: So where's Troi? #C10 Worf and Data exchange glances. #C21 Worf: The Borg got her sir... #C10 Data lowers his head and stares at the floor. #C21 Riker: Oh...ok, well what happened to the Captain. Data: Sir, he has been altered by the Borg. Riker: Altered? Data: Yeah, changed... Worf: Sir, he IS a Borg. Riker: Woah, this is strange. Worf: I suggest we try the Main Deflector Dish again..RIGHT NOW!!! Data: But what about the Captain? Riker: If the Borg go into Warp we may never catch up. Worf: Sir, the Borg are hailing us. Riker: Put them on screen. #C10 The screen switches to a shot of several Borg lined up. Picard steps out from between them and comes into the foreground. #C21 Picard: I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life, as it has been, is over. From this time forward, you will service....US! #C10 The music builds up slowly as we look at the faces of the crew. The camera gets a profile of Riker and swings around to look him in the face. #C21 Riker: Mr. Worf..... #C10 Riker looks confused and looks up at the ceiling. #C21 Worf: Fire, sir? Riker: Oh, yeah.... #C10 TO BE CONTINUED... Last time on Bar Trek... #C21 Hogan: Early reports seem to point towards the Borg. LaForge: What a mess. You'd think they'd at least sweep up when they knew we were coming. Riker: Well, Captain, where's Shelby? Shelby: That's me. Picard: Plot a course to intercept it. Worf: Sir, they've already moved to intercept US! Borg: You...are directed to lower your shields...AND....transport Captain Jean-Luc Picard to our ship... Worf: Sir, that did not come from the Borg ship. Picard: Well, where did it come from? Gary: Hello, Picard. #C10 The Borg ship fires at Gary's Tavern as it explodes into a million pieces. The Borg take away Picard. #C21 Worf: Counciller, duck! #C10 Worf shoots and Troi disintegrates. #C21 Worf: CAPTAIN!!! Riker: ..well, what happened to the Captain? Data: Sir, he has been altered by the Borg. Worf: Sir, he IS a Borg. Riker: If the Borg go into Warp we may never catch up. Picard: I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life, as it has been, is over. From this time forward you will service....US! Riker: Mr. Worf... Worf: Fire, sir? Riker: Um...yeah... #C10 AND NOW THE CONCLUSION! #C21 Worf: Main Deflector Dish dish ready to fire in three seconds. #C10 At that moment, the Dish fires early. #C21 Riker: Fired early, huh? Never happened to me... #C10 Cut to outside where the beam is making no damage to the Borg ship. Cut back to the bridge where Worf is wearing sunglasses. #C21 Worf: Sir, the Borg ship is unaffected. Data: We can only continue this for 10.47645 seconds before the Warp Engines overload. Riker: Alright, cut it out...stop firing. Locutus: The knowledge and experience of the human, Picard is now ours... Number Twelve. #C10 The music fades up as we fade into the opening sequence. COMMERCIAL Fade back into the bridge where Riker is fixing his hair. #C21 Riker: Look, Borg. We want our captain back and we want him now. Locutus: We have assimilated Picard into our culture. And now we shall assimilate all life into our culture. #C10 The screen switches to an external shot of the Borg ship spinning around and warping off the other direction. #C21 LaForge: Sir, what do we do? Riker: Power up the engines, LaForge. We are in hot pursuit. #C10 The Enterprise warps off after the Borg. Cut to the Ready Room, where Riker is playing with that thing with steel balls at the ends of strings that bounce back and forth when you strike them. #C21 Door Chime: Tweeedlesquirge. Riker: Come. Guinan: May I come in? Riker: I just said you could. Guinan: Oh yeah. I just wanted you to know that a lot of the people on this ship are scared. They don't think they will be alive tomorrow. Riker: Why? What happens tonight? Guinan: The situation with the Borg... Riker: Oh, thats right. Guinan: They have complete faith in you. My question is...do you? Riker: I'm not sure if I can handle the responsibility. Captain Picard wrote the book on this ship. Guinan: Yeah, and right about now its selling about as well as Paterno's did. Riker: So you are saying I should think for myself? Guinan: Frightening thought, ain't it?! The point is...that's your chair now. #C10 Riker looks at the Captain's chair. #C21 Riker: Thank you, Guinan. Guinan: And if you tell anyone I was being nice and supportive...I'll tear your ears off!!! Riker: Gotcha. #C10 Guinan exits as Riker sits down in the chair. He looks around the room and leans back in the chair as he falls over backwards. #C21 Worf: Commander, Admirel Hogan says he wants to talk to all of us in the conference room. Riker: I don't think he thought this one out...there's over a thousand people on this ship. How are they all gonna fit in that tiny room? Worf: I think he meant only the command crew. Riker: That would be more suitable. O.K., tell him we'll be there in five minutes. Worf: Aye, sir. #C10 Cut to the conference room, where Riker is twidling his thumbs, Data is playing with a paddleball, Worf is pouring a beer, and LaForge is staring off into space. #C21 Hogan: Hey, dudes...I received your report and am sorry to hear about the Captain. Riker: Then we are officially calling him dead? Hogan: He will be labeled missing in action, and until such time as he is found you will be promoted to Captain, Riker. #C10 Riker smirks. #C21 Data: Sir, it appears as though the Borg are going to try assimilating all life into their culture. Hogan: I'm well aware of that, Lt. Cmmdr. Data. A force has been assembled at Wolf 007 to stop them from reaching Earth. Riker: Understood, sir. Hogan: So stick to the three demandments and I'm sure everything will turn out fine. Hogan out. #Y-10 #C10 (poses) The viewscreen switches to the Bar Trek logo. #C21 Riker: Well, I suppose we should work on a plan to get the Captain back, save the Enterprise, and make the galaxy safe from the tyranny of the Borg. Data: Yeah, my sentiments exactly...Cappy! Riker: Oh, speaking of which, I should pick a new First Officer. #C10 Everybody raises there hands and starts saying, "Oh, ME ME ME ME ME!" #C21 Riker: Data, you would be the logical first choice...but I just don't like you. #C10 Data frowns. #C21 Riker: Worf, I don't think you are sober enough for the job. #C10 Worf has already passed out. #C21 Riker: Geordie...not a chance. #C10 LaForge is still staring out the window. #C21 Riker: Which leaves only one choice.... #C10 Cut to the back of the room where Shelby is staring into a mirror. #C21 Shelby: Where did you get this painting that looks like me? Riker: God, I'm scared. #C10 Cut to the Borg ship where Picard is being marched down a corridor for his Borgification treatments. Cut back to the bridge of the Big E. #C21 Riker: Data, how long until we can intercept the Borg ship? Data: Well, uh, Willie, I would say about, ah, 34.8734 minutes. Riker: Remember a while back when I told you to round off your numbers when talking to the Captain? Data: Sure I do. I remember every fact that I am exposed to. Riker: Well, Data....I'M THE CAPTAIN NOW AND I WANT YOU TO ROUND OFF YOUR NUMBERS WHEN TALKING TO ME!!!!!! Data: Sheesh! You do not have to yell at me. Riker: Sorry, Data, it must be that new decaf that Guinan is serving. Data: Quite understood, sir. You putz. #Y-10 #C10 (under his breath) #C21 Riker: What was that? Data: I said, ah, June Bugs...I was trying to remember that old saying about June bugs. Riker: Oh. #C10 Shelby comes on to the bridge in a nightgown. #C21 Shelby: Hey, wait a minute...this isn't my cabin. Mr. Worf told me my cabin was this way. Riker: Unnnghghhhhh....well, Shelby, while you're here, you might as well sit down and help us plan for when we catch up to the Borg. Shelby: Oh, ok. #C10 She sits down beside Riker and stares at him. #C21 Riker: You know, I think it would be best if we went to my quarters to discuss this. I really don't trust Data. #Y-10 #C10 (Leans towards her) #C21 Shelby: Oooooooooohhhh....alright. #C10 Riker and Shelby walk to the turbo lift. #C21 Riker: Mr. Data, you have the Bridge. Data: Geee...thanks, Cappy. #C10 Cut to Riker's Room #C21 Worf: Captain Riker, urgent subspace message coming in from Admirel Hogan. #C10 Camera backs off of Riker's face and we see Shelby chained to the wall behind him. #C21 Riker: Alright, Worf. I'll be right there. #C10 Riker exits. #C21 Shelby: Great, this is the third time this week that someone left me chained to the wall. #C10 Cut to Main Bridge. #C21 Riker: Put Hogan on screen. #C10 Riker goes to sit down and Data is still in the Command chair. #C21 Riker: DATA!!!! GO BACK TO YOUR OWN CHAIR!!!! Data: Geez, sorry, Captain, sir. #C10 Data returns to OPS. The viewer switches to a shot of Hogan, now bleeding profusely from the forehead. #C21 Riker: Hey, what happened to you? Hogan: It's the Borg, they are wiping out our forces at Wolf 007. Riker: How did they get there so fast? Data: I'd suspect a writer's flaw. #C10 Riker throws a book at Data. #C21 Data: Just like old times. #Y-10 #C10 ( Data chuckles) #C21 Hogan: They have destroyed just about every ship we have...wait a minute, they are beaming aboard my ship. #C10 The viewer switches to a long shot of Hogan's bridge, where a Borg arrives and looks a bit like Ric Flair. #C21 Riker: Sir, look out. #C10 The Borg clotheslines Hogan from behind and applies the figure four as the screen switches to a shot of the space around the Enterprise. #C21 LaForge: Hey, what happened, I was just starting to enjoy that. Data: I think the Admirel was in a bit of trouble there. Riker: Mr. LaForge, increase speed to whatever our top speed is. #C10 Cut to external shot of the Big E warping away. COMMERCIAL Coming soon to a theatre near you....two sequels packed into one big film. The Towering Inferno and Earthquake are happening at the the same place at the same time, and you'll wanna see what happens in the Samuel L. Bronkowitz production of....SHAKE AND BAKE!!!!!! Fade back in to the Enterprise zooming by Jupiter. #C21 Riker: Where are they? Worf: I can't seem to find them on scanners. #C10 Cut to an external shot of the Borg ship coming out from behind Jupiter and now following the Enterprise. #C21 Worf: Sir, they are right behind us. #C10 Riker suddenly turns around into a karate chop stance. #C21 Riker: Who is??!!! I don't see anybody. Worf: Sir,the Borg...they are behind the Enterprise. Riker: Oh, put them on screen. #C10 The screen switches to a shot of the Borg ship closely following the Enterprise #C21 Worf: Sir, they are hailing us. Riker: On screen. #C10 The screen switches to a shot of Locutus and two other Borg. #C21 Locutus: You are attempting to intervene again. Riker: Well, it would help if we knew what you were doing. Locutus: We intend to assilate all life into out existance. Riker: What do you mean? Locutus: We will turn everyone into Borg. Riker: Oh. Data: Sir... Riker: Shut up. #C10 Data looks back up at the screen. #C21 Locutus: We also intend to assimilate all life aboard Enterprise. Riker: I see, well, I just don't think I can let you do that. #C10 Cut to the outside where the Borg fire a warning shot at the Big E. #C21 Riker: Close communications. I have a plan.... #C10 The screen goes blank then fades back in with the words One Minute Later on the bottom of the picture. #C21 Riker: Worf and Data, you know what you're supposed to do. #C10 Cut to shuttlebay #C21 Data: Aye, sir. Riker: Alright, Geordie, I've written down what I want you to do with the saucer section. LaForge: Yeah, but what's this word right here... #C10 #Y-10 (holds paper up to screen) #C21 Riker: Geordie...that's your name. LaForge: Oh yeah. Riker: Alright, lets get ready. Hail the Borg. #C10 The screen in the battle bridge switches to Locutus. #C21 Locutus: Now what? Riker: Locutus of Borg, we are ready to let you assimilate us. Locutus: I find it unlikely that you are ready to be assimilated, I find it more likely that you wish to intervene. Riker: If Picard is truly a part of you, then you know Picard trusted me implicitely. #C10 Locutus looks at him strangely. #C21 Riker: Well, at least he trusted me somewhat. Locutus: Picard trusted you somewhat. Riker: Then you know I am serious when I say we are ready. Locutus: Then lower your shields or we will destroy your ship. Riker: Then take your best shot cuz we are about to intervene. #C10 Riker signals for communications to be cut. #C21 Riker: Alright, lets separate. #C10 LaForge starts to cry. #C21 Riker: Geordie, what's wrong? LaForge: Spliting up is so sad. Riker: Never mind that, just DO IT! #C10 Cut to external shot of the saucer separating. #C21 Riker: Mr. O'Brien, pattern Riker Alpha One. #C10 The Warp Drive section "ducks"(good pun, huh) just before the Borg tractor beam locks on. #C21 O'Brien: Sir, they are turning towards the Saucer Section. Riker: That wasn't supposed to happen...ummmm....go to emergency raspberry mode. #C10 Cut to outside where a giant tongue comes out of the nose of the Warp Drive Section and gives the Borg ship the raspberry. #C21 O'Brien: Sir, the Borg are returning their attention to us. Riker: As you should, Captain. O'Brien: Sir, are you alright? Riker: Of course, why? O'Brien: You just called me Captain...I thought you were delerious. Riker: No, I was talking to Captain Picard. O'Brien:I......don't think he heard you. Riker: Never mind...just get ready for Riker Beta One. #C10 O'Brien puts on a ten gallon cowboy hat. #C21 O'Brien: Ready sir. Riker: LaForge, proceed with anti-matter spread. LaForge: Aye, sir. #C10 Cut to outside, where the saucer section starts shooting butter at the Borg. Cut to Borg bridge where the viewer looks over to the saucer. #C21 Riker: Alright, Data and Worf...proceed with your mission. Data: Aye, sir. #C10 Data and Worf exit the ship in a shuttle and head toward the Borg ship. #C21 Worf: Sir, we've penetrated the Borg subspace field. Riker: Well done, Worf. Data: Well, actually, I'm the one who is piloting this shuttle. Riker: WHATEVER!!!! #C10 Cut back to the shuttle where Data and Worf stand in the transporter thingee. Data and Worf materialize inside the Borg ship and go towards where Locutus is standing with two other Borg. Worf fires his phaser at the first extra Borg, who falls. #C21 Worf: You get the second one while I incapacitate the Captain. Data: Hey, you got it, Worfy. #C10 Data shoots the second one, who has already adapted to the frequency. #C21 Data: Darn. #C10 Data readjusts his phaser and shoots, this time killing the Borg. #C21 Worf: Captain, this is for your own good. #C10 Worf punches Locutus in the face and his head spins around three times as he falls to the ground. #C21 Worf: Now lets go. #C10 Data and Worf materialize back in the shuttle with Locutus. #C21 LaForge: Captain, Worf and Data have successfully retrieved the Captain. Riker: You realize you used captain in your sentence twice? LaForge: I know...thats thanks to a new expand your vocabulary brain implant I just got. Riker: Neat...ummm....beam the three back here immediately. #C10 Worf, Data, and Locutus beam back to the Enterprise just as the Borg blow up the shuttlecraft. Cut to sickbay where Locutus is lying on a table. #C21 Riker: Dr. Nobody...how is he? Nobody: It's hard to say. Riker: Please try to. Nobody: Alright, he is neoscopiopetical... Riker: Geez, you're right...that was a mouthful. #C10 Nobody nods. #C21 Riker: Alright, wake him up. #C10 Dr. Nobody starts to shake Locutus and slaps his face. #C21 Locutus: What what what???!!!! #C10 Locutus looks around the room. #C21 Locutus: Riker??? Incorrect strategy, Number Twelve, to risk the lives of crew just to capture one man. Picard would never have approved. Riker: Maybe so, but this is my ship now. I'm the big man...the top dog... numero uno hauncho...the Head CHEESE!!! #C10 Locutus tries to get up and Worf puts a phaser right in his face. #C21 Locutus: There is no need for apprehension, I mean no harm...no harm....no harm ...no harm... #C10 Worf slaps him in the back of the head... #C21 Locutus: Ah, thank you. I shall continue on this ship to represent the Borg. #C10 Data leans over to Riker. #C21 Data: I think I can free him of his ties to the Borg. Riker: Oh? How? #C10 Data whispers in Riker's ear. #C21 Riker smirks: Awesome...get right on it. #C10 Data walks away. #C21 LaForge: Sir, the Borg are positioned directly above Earth. Riker: I'm on my way. #C10 COMMERCIAL #C21 Larry(?): Hello, Ed here says Bartlys and James has a new wine cooler that'll knock your socks off. He says its the best thing that Bartyls and James has ever done. Ed thinks that this beverage will beat out water in the top five drinks. #C10 Ed stands up and grabs Larry around the neck. #C21 Larry: I CAN SPEAK FOR MYSELF!!!! WHY WON'T YOU EVER LET ME TALK???!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!! #C10 Fade back in to the bridge with the Borg ship hovering above Earth on the viewer. #C21 Riker: Look how big that ship is... LaForge: Yeah, and with the water that blue you can almost see it down there... #C10 (starts laughing to himself). The Borg ship starts firing at the Enterprise. #C21 Riker: YIKES!!! Mr. LaForge, increase power to shields. LaForge: Done! Riker: Data, are you almost done... Data: Sure thing, Willie...help is on its way. #C10 Riker starts to sweat, which reactivates the tons of cologn he applied this morning. #C21 Riker: Ummm.....LaForge, set a collision course with the Borg ship. LaForge: What? Riker: I said... SET A COLLISION COURSE WITH THE BORG SHIP!!!! LaForge: Oh, alright. #C10 #Y-10 (presses a code into the panel) #C21 Riker: Data..... Data: Hey, I'm waiting just like you are... Riker: Countdown, LaForge...ten...nine...eight...seven...six.. Data: Almost here... Riker: five...four....three....two... LaForge: Captain...another ship is coming into this sector...its a Ferengi ship Riker: A Ferengi ship? Here? Put it on screen. #C10 The screen switches to a shot of a Ferengi ship flopping all around. Screen changes to show the bridge where Crusher is hitting Daimon Bach on the ears. #C21 Bach: Riker!!! Take her back....please!!!! LaForge: Sir, I think we should get the doctor back now. Riker: Um....quick..beam Crusher aboard. O'Brien: Done... Riker: Now lets put the Enterprise back together. #C10 The side of LaForge's console falls off and he puts it back into place, then staples it. Cut to outside where the two sections reconnect. #C21 Riker: Hmmmmmm....start firing everything we've got at the Borg ship. #C10 The Enterprise unloads into the Borg, of couse, causing no damage. The Borg fire back and starts to burn away parts of the Enterprise. #C21 Computer : Warning. Outer hull breach. Structural damage in ten #Y-10 #C10 (Casey Casem) #C21 seconds. Riker: LaForge, collision course in five seconds...four, three, two,... #C10 Suddenly the Ferengi ship crashes into the Borg and the big cube goes up in a shower of sparks. #C21 Riker: Wow. #C10 COMMERCIAL #C21 Crazy Hi: I am Crazy Hi, I am not selling you anything in this commercial...and why not!!!!! To save you money!!!!! #C10 Fade back in to the bridge of the Enterprise. #C21 Riker: Well, looks like we've taken care of the Borg...oops...now what are we gonna do for Picard? Data: Sir, our special envoy is here...I am certain we scan get the Captain back. Riker: Lets get down to Sick Bay #C10 Cut to sick bay, where Locutus is just getting up from the table. #C21 Riker: Hello, Locutus...someone is here to see you.... #C10 Riker exits into the shadows and a figure appears. #C21 Locutus: Who are you? What do you want from me. #C10 Suddenly Lwaxanna Troi steps out (Played by Roseanne Barr) #C21 Lwaxanna: Well, hello, you delicious man you!!!! Locutus: NO!!!! NO!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #C10 Cut to outside where the crew is standing. #C21 Riker: Yep.....he's back! #C10 Fade out Commercials appear, then fade back into titles and closing theme.