Father Ted Episode Guide Brought to you as a special pull-out supplement with Father Ted Episode Guide Series 1 * Good Luck Father Ted - Ted gets his chance to be on TV when he is to be interviewed by a magazine programme. But 'FunLand', the most pathetic travelling fair ever invented has come to Craggy Island, and while Ted is distracted with Father Jack, Dougal seizes his moment of glory. (TX 21/4/95) * Entertaining Mr Stone - The world's most boring priest comes to stay, and he just won't go away. After his worst ever birthday party, Father Ted prays for deliverence from Father Stone, but a lightning strike wasn't what he expected. (TX 28/4/95) * The Passion Of St Tibulus - The local cinema is showing a film condemned by the Church for its X-rated and blasphemous depiction of St Tibulus. Bishop Brennan is dispatched to the island to ensure that the priests take to the picket line in protest. But their defiant stand only gives more publicity to the film, which becomes an overnight success. It is left to Father Jack to stop the Bishop from sending them packing. (TX 5/5/95) * Competition Time - It's the 'All Priests Stars In Their Eyes Lookalike Competition', and showbusiness personality Henry Sellers, a former alcoholic, has landed on the island to host the festivities. Father Ted is determined not to go as Mother Teresa again, but he isn't the only one to think of Elvis. It takes some quick thinking to beat Father Byrne's team from nearby Rugged Island. (TX 12/5/95) * And God Created Woman - A blossoming romance between Father Ted and steamy novelist Polly Clarke threatens to come between a group of visiting nuns and their favourite priest. Among other things, Ted delivers an entire service in a matter of milliseconds, and becomes involved in an armed robbery. (TX 19/5/95) * Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest - After an overdose of floor polish, Father Jack finally bites the dust, and Ted and Dougal discover they've been left a fortune in his will...providing they allay his fear of being buried alive by spending a night with him in the crypt. (TX 26/5/95) Full cast details for each episode in Series 1, if you want them, are available from me (address at the bottom of the page).Send us an email and I'll send you the lot. Series 2 * Hell - Ted, Dougal and Jack go on a caravan holiday. They meet a young couple, and are soon in trouble with the police. Entertainment comes in the shape of St Kevin's Stump and the Magic Road. Father Jack goes missing; Father Noel Furlong and his youth group turn up to put the final nail in the coffin of the holiday. (TX 8/3/96) * Think Fast, Father Ted - The roof of the Parochial House is leaking, and Ted decides on a raffle to raise the funds, with a car as the prize. Unfortunately, an accident with a cyclist puts something of a dent in the vehicle. A similar car is borrowed from the Dancing Priest in order to save the raffle; however, the priests must then win in order to return the car. Despite this intrigue, the roof does not get repaired. (TX 15/3/96) * Tentacles of Doom - The Holy Stone of Clonrichert is to be upgraded to a class 2 relic, and unfortunately this entails three Bishops visiting the island - Father Jack must be housetrained quickly. Only one of the bishops dies - Ted therefore considers this to have been a relatively successful visit. (TX 22/3/96) * The Old Grey Whistle Theft - Ted goes on a picnic, Mr Benson's whistle is stolen and Dougal learns an important lesson about true friendship. Ted narrowly avoids incriminating himself to save Dougal's worthless hide. (TX 29/3/96) * A Song For Europe - Fathers Ted and Dougal enter A Song For Europe with My Lovely Horse. The tune is stolen from the b-side of a Norwegian song that didn't even win A Song For Norway but the lyrics are all their own work. Somehow they get through to Eurovision and score.... nil points. (TX 5/4/96) * The Plague - Rabbit-phobic Bishop Brennan pays a visit to investigate reports of Father Jack sleepwalking naked. Unfortunately Dougal has overrun the house with rabbits, and a Terry & June-style farce ensues as Ted and Dougal attempt to keep Father Jack in bed, and the ever-multiplying rabbits away from the bishop. (TX 12/4/96) * Lovely Girls - Ted is asked to compere the 'Lovely Girls' competition while Dougal is left in charge of the house. Father Jack is mistaken for Bob Geldof and Dougal manages to give the house away to a feminist rock star called Niamh Connolly. Ted has to get the house back, but how will this affect his dinner plans with the winner of the 'Lovely Girls' competition. (TX 19/4/96) * Cigarettes, Alcohol and Rollerblading - Ted and co. enter a giving-things-up-for-Lent contest and soon discover that abstinence is easier preached than done. Father Jack sobers up for the first time in years, but Dougal and Ted find their resolve wavering. To strengthen their vows Ted calls in a nun to supervise them. She turns out to be a sadist of the first water, and the results are inevitable. (TX 26/4/96) * New Jack City - After discovering Father Jack is suffering yet again(!) from "hairy hand syndrome", Ted is delighted to send Jack, by "doctor's orders", to St. Clavorts Old Folks Home. Unfortunately, Jack's replacement happens to be one of the nastiest priests ever - Father Fintan Stack. Along with his disregard for the church, Stack has a rather irritating habit of playing jungle music loudly at 3 o'clock in the morning, and a plan is hatched to get Jack back to sort out Stack. (TX 3/5/96) * Flight Into Terror - Ted and co. end up being crammed in a plane along with every other priest who has appeared in their lives after a visit to the Shrine of Kinlettle. In a fit of the usual stupidity, Dougal manages to empty the fuel tanks on the plane. To make matters worse, there are only two parachutes to go around many more priests, so Ted devises a way for the priests to compete for the parachutes. Unfortunately, Jack has other plans for the parachutes... (TX 10/5/96) The Episode Guide is under construction. If you would like to contribute, you will need to include the following: * the title of the episode * its series number * its position in the series (if you know it) * a brief synopsis of the episode (20-30 words) If you like, and if your browser handles forms, you can fill out the form below to submit your episode entry. Don't worry if someone else has already submitted that episode; your synopsis may be better! Father Ted Episode Guide submission form Series 1 2 Episode no.Title Synopsis When you have entered the details, click 'Submit episode' and the details will be sent to me automatically.Alternatively, you can mail your entries to john-arundel@psion.com.You may wish to visit the editor's home page, [http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2694/index.html] Moose Mansions... ...but that would be an ecumenical matter. [http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2694/nonstand.html] [http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2694/nonstand.gif] [http://four.internet-audit.com/four/ZQ0026983.gif] Father Ted Quotes Brought to you as a special pull-out supplement with Father Ted Quotes My Lovely Horse Ted and Dougal's entry in the Euro Song Contest (series 2 show 4). My Lovely Horse Running through the..field Where are you going With your fetlocks blowing In the...wind I want to shower you with sugar lumps And ride you over...fences I want to polish your hooves And bring you to the horse...dentist My lovely horse You're a pony no more Running around With a man on your back Like a train in the...night Like a train in the...night (Crilly/McGuire) The Great Father Ted Quote Competition has closed Thanks very much to everyone who entered. The results are on the front page. The Quotes Quote 1 "Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats." Quote 2 "I won't be happy until the last rabbit round here is the one inside your head at the controls!" Quote 3 Ted: Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes! Dougal: Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, see. Quote 4 Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins! Quote 5 Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word! Quote 6 Mrs Doyle: Now come on Father, what would you say to a nice cup of tea? Ted: FECK OFF CUP!!!!!! Quote 7 Mrs Doyle: (whilst Ted is trying to eat a sausage) Oh it's a filthy, dirty business, sex. Can you imagine, Father. Your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. I want you to get a good clear picture. Quote 8 Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Ted: That's a spoon, Father Quote 9 Ted: I think we'd all like to make a little sacrifice. Jack: SACRIFICE? ARSE! Quote 10 Dougal: Oh Wow! It's like a big rabbit rock festival! Quote 11 Dougal: Do you believe in God, then Ted? Quote 12a Dougal: I'll have them Mrs Doyle. I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I'm going to turn into a big giant egg. Ted: I think that process has already begun. Quote 12b Ted: His note from the bishop said they never really found a suitable place for him... he's not a very nice man, is he? Dougal: God, Ted. I've never met anyone like him anywhere... who would he be like - Hitler or one of those mad fellas. Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning. Quote 13 Ted: The holy stone... It must be even holier than we thought. Perhaps it's something to do with that fellow who came over from England last year. He touched it - and he grew a beard! Dougal: Wow. Weird. That'd be nearly enough to upgrade it to a Class 1. Ted: Ooh, Class 1'd be very rare. That'd be bringing people back to life... time travel... cloning dinosaurs... Very rare. Quote 14 Dougal: Well, who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and they're gone. What's so bad about that? Ted: Dougal, they're bishops! (pause) Dougal: ...Oh right, yes. Quote 15 Ted: I think it might work, Dougal. I know it'll work. It will work. Dougal: It won't work, will it Ted? Ted: ...It won't, no. Quote 16 Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!! Quote 17 Jack: Feck! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! Quote 18 Ted: These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away... Quote 19 Father Stack: I want to listen to some music. Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there. Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission. Quote 20 Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring. Dougal: But Father Damo has one! Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea? (Dougal nods) Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something? Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted. (Dougal looks very shifty) Quote 21 Ted: Honestly, Dougal, could you not knock the old rollerblading on the head for a couple of weeks? Dougal: You're right Ted. I used to be happy enough with me old bike - I used to get a big buzz out of just going down to the shops on it, you know? But after a while... it just wasn't enough. I started going for bigger and bigger thrills... But I could give it up! Any time I wanted! Ted: You tried to give it up yesterday and you couldn't. Dougal: (falling to his knees and weeping into Ted's crotch) You're right, Ted, I admit I've got a problem... Quote 22 Old priest: I really shouldn't be here. Quote 23 Ted: You know the phrase 'to take care of something'? Well, I realise now that you meant that in a sort of Al Pacino way. Whereas I was thinking more along the lines of Julie Andrews. Quote 24 Dougal: God I've never seen a clock at 5 a.m. before! Quote 25 Mrs Doyle: Oh - by the way, Bishop Brennan, your car's parked outside. Bishop Brennan: I know. I parked it there myself. Mrs Doyle: Well, if you're looking for the windscreen wipers they're in the kitchen. The bishop looks puzzled and worried. Mrs Doyle: I thought they needed a little wash. The only trouble is... I broke the side window as I was snapping them off. Bishop Brennan: Leave my car alone and don't touch it again! Mrs Doyle: Right you are Bishop. Oh! Just one thing - is your car petrol or diesel? Bishop Brennan: Leave it alone Mrs Doyle! Mrs Doyle: (laughing) Oh no, Your Grace, this is just curiosity. Is it petrol or...? Bishop Brennan: It's diesel, it's diesel! Mrs Doyle: Oh right. So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I was to put petrol in it? Bishop Brennan: Yes. It would completely ruin the car's engine. Mrs Doyle: Oooh! Well! (hysterical laughter) I certainly won't be doing that then! (turns to leave with a look of horror and guilt on her face) Why not send in a favourite quote of your own? It can be a one-liner, or a whole snatch of dialogue. Send your stuff to john-arundel@psion.com.You may wish to visit the editor's home page, [http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2694/index.html] Moose Mansions... ...but that would be an ecumenical matter. Father Ted FEQ Brought to you as a special pull-out supplement with Father Ted FEQ 1.05 Contents * What is 'Father Ted'? * Who is Ted? * Who is Dougal? * Who is Jack? * Who is Mrs Doyle? * Who are the writers? * Why isn't the show more satirical? * Why is Father Ted being made by a British TV company? * What's the theme music? * What's the jungle music Father Stack listens to in 'New Jack City'? * What's this 'Feck' business? * Where is Father Ted filmed? * Is Father Ted available on video? * Unanswered Questions * Contacts What is 'Father Ted'? Father Ted is a sitcom written by Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews. It is set on the remote and entirely fictitious Craggy Island, somewhere off the coast of Galway, Republic of Ireland. The main characters are three priests, who have been banished to the island for various unspecified crimes (details are hinted at in the third episode) and their housekeeper, Mrs Doyle. There are also regular appearances by the island's inhabitants, including warring couple John and Mary O'Leary. The show is about three men living together in an isolated place, where there's not much to do except play Ludo all the time, and try to keep Father Jack out of trouble. Who is Ted? Father Ted Crilly is the central character, and possibly the only practising priest among them! He is comparatively sane, but tends to daydream about being in showbusiness, or surrounded by glamorous women. Dermot Morgan, who plays Father Ted, is an established comic actor and writer. He wrote and starred in 'Scrap Saturday', a satirical radio show broadcast by RTE on Saturday mornings. This was a very popular show, taking the mickey out of politicians and celebrities, but it was not taken in good humour by the establishment. Dermot hopes that this role will open a new career for him in England, since he feels that he can't do any more in Ireland. Who is Dougal? Father Dougal Maguire is Father Ted's young associate on the island. He lacks imagination, common sense, and doesn't seem to have two brain cells to rub together, but he manages to get by with a kind of naive innocence. Ardal O'Hanlon, who plays Father Dougal, is a stand-up comic, currently working on the comedy circuit in London. Who is Jack? Father Jack Hackett is an old alcoholic priest, whose vocabulary consists largely of 'drink', 'feck' and 'arse'. His favourite tipples range from whiskey to petrol, toilet duck to floor polish, and he can become quite violent if he doesn't get his own way. Most of the time though, he sits fast asleep in his armchair, dreaming of booze...and teenage girls. Frank Kelly, who plays Father Jack, is an established Irish actor, who has appeared in many satirical radio and TV shows, including the madcap TV programme "Hall's Pictorial Weekly". It's an absurdly one-dimensional characterisation, but a very good portrayal for all that. Graham Linehan said: "We feel a bit sorry for Frank. It's probably frustrating for him to just shout for drink all the time, but I still think it's a very strong character. You don't have to do very much to make it work, but you have to do it very well." Who is Mrs Doyle? Mrs Doyle, played by Pauline McGlynn, is the housekeeper - and the only woman among them. Graham Linehan based her character on his mother, and a few other people he'd met who just can't take no for an answer when they offer you a cup of tea. Who are the writers? Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews met in Ireland, several years ago, when they both worked for the same newspaper. Shortly afterwards, they moved into a London flat and began submitting ideas to television programmes. They have written for Smith and Jones, and Alexei Sayle, and contributed sketches to The Day Today and The Fast Show. In 1994, they completed their first sitcom, Paris, which starred Alexei Sayle as an aspiring French artist. Arthur Mathews, whose uncle is a priest, has a great deal of affection for priests, and maintains he has always had good relations with the clergy. He originally created the part of Father Ted for himself, and for a time he was a regular feature of Joshua Trio shows. Why isn't the show more satirical? There is certainly plenty of scope for satire in the Irish clergy at the moment. Recently, Bishop Eamonn Casey was found to have fathered a son by an American woman 15 years ago, and was then exiled to Central America. It has been suggested that the failure to prosecute a paedophile priest led to a change of government in Ireland in November 1994, and to the resignation of a high court judge (former Attorney General). It was discovered that the Roman Catholic church in Ireland was prone to move a priest elsewhere if people became suspicious of paedophile activities. However, the writers tried very hard not to put in many overt references to the various unsavoury activities of priests. Father Jack is portrayed not just as alcoholic, which is fairly common in the clergy, but as a man fond of bleach, detergents and floor polish. The writers wanted to base the characters on people they knew, but with greatly exaggerated characteristics. Graham Linehan said: "All the characters are based on some little peccadillo that the Irish have to some extent or another. "It's based on people, but on complete exaggerations of them. If we have a character who's obnoxious, he has to be the most obnoxious character we can think of. Which is a very easy way to write really, to just get a particular characteristic and exaggerate it." Why is Father Ted being made by a British TV company? Father Ted is produced by Hat Trick Productions, which is a very successful British entertainments company specialising in sitcoms and panel games, including Have I Got News For You. When the series was written, the writers felt that England was the best place to film the programme, because the expertise and infrastructure for Father Ted-style sitcoms was already in place, whereas Irish TV companies such as RTE didn't have such a good track record for this type of show. As yet, it is unclear whether RTE will buy the series from Channel 4. As Graham Linehan (co-writer) said: "They're in a bad position. They're damned if they do, and damned if they don't. If they take it, it will be in a supplicating kind of way where they say, 'I know we should have done this ourselves', and if they don't take it they'll just look petty. I think they'll be embarrassed by it whatever happens." Despite the English slant, the actors, writers, director and commissioning editor are all Irish. What's the theme music? It's by a band called [http://lispstat.alcd.soton.ac.uk/~prbt/europop/index.html] The Divine Comedy. The piece has been expanded into a full song called 'Songs of Love', which is available on the LP 'Casanova' and on the single 'Something for the Weekend'. From an anonymous contributor: There is a cracking story behind all this: Originally Pulp were asked to write the theme tune, according to an interview I heard with Graham Linehan on London radio a few weeks ago... but they turned it down, reasons not specified. I'm sure they had a lot on their plate at that time. So anyway, they then asked Neil Hannon (who is the Divine Comedy, more or less on his own) to write a piece, which he duly did. And that's what's on the telly. But NH decided he liked the tune himself, and turned it into a complete song with lyrics etc, called 'Songs of Love'. As a song in its own right it works perfectly well, and you almost don't realise that it's the Ted tune until the instrumental break near the end. The only problem is that now at any Divine Comedy gigs, when NH plays said song, all the crowd start shouting 'FECK! DRINK!' etc. Which irks him because he is a serious musician and they are treating his work of art as a mere TV theme. I've transcribed the TV music for guitar, rather inexpertly, here. What's the jungle music Father Stack listens to in 'New Jack City'? Marvellous Cain. What's this 'Feck' business? 'Feck' has caused more controversy than any other aspect of Father Ted. Here is what some people have said about it: "I've been asking various Irish people about the word "Feck" and I'm told that it is a word in its own right - not simply a "more acceptable" version of "Fuck". The mother of an ex-girlfriend was very Irish (she really *did* used to say "Jaysus Mary and Joseph") and she reckoned she was very surprised when she first came to England and people were shocked at hearing her say "feck"; they thought she meant "fuck" whereas as far as she was concerned "feck" was of about the same strength as "bloody". I don't know what the origin or meaning is though - perhaps somebody on soc.culture.celtic might have an idea?" - Tony Walton "Incidentally, being a Catholic myself, I grew up surrounded by a lot of Irish priests and the school was full of Irish kids living in England and I remember the bigger kids saying "feck" all the time and saying it was Irish (Gaelic?) for "fuck". Still, you know big kids... it could just be bullshit." - David Poulet "The word 'feck' is many things. It's a euphemism for 'fuck' as well as being a particularly Irish word meaning to steal, i.e. I've just fecked an apple, sweets, etc. It's normally used in 'polite' conversation." - mbyrne@dircon.co.uk Where is Father Ted filmed? Kilfenora, Ennistymon and Kilnaboy in Co.Clare. The priests' house is McCormack's at Clanquin. Is Father Ted available on video? No. (If you know different, tell me). Unanswered Questions * What is Hat Trick Productions' address? Write in to me with answers or questions. Contacts I would like to thank John Smyth and Hot Press for much of the information in this FEQ. This FEQ was conceived and written by Andy Raffle (andrew@raffle.demon.co.uk). However, it is now being maintained by me, John Arundel, so send your additions, corrections and amendments there. Father Ted is a Hat Trick production, (c) Channel 4 Television Corporation. You may wish to visit the editor's home page, [http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2694/index.html] Moose Mansions... ...but that would be an ecumenical matter. Fr. Ted THE SECOND COMING OF FATHER TED Strange it may seem, but one of the comedy highlights of 1995 in Britain was an all-Irish sitcom. Written by Arthur Mathews and Graham Linehan, directed by Declan Lowney, and starring Dermot Morgan, Ardal O'Hanlon, Frank Kelly and Pauline McLynn, the cunningly entitled Father Ted achieved enormous cult support on its first Channel 4 run. Now, boosted by garnering the accolade of Best New Television Comedy at the British Comedy Awards last week, the cast, crew and writers are back in Ireland to make a second series - and they're going for the big one. On location in Ennistymon: LIAM FAY. Pix: MICHAEL QUINN. IT'S EARLY, far too early, on a harshly cold Decembermorning. The scene is a field just outside Ennistymon, in Co. Clare. In one corner, a group comprising eight priests and two nuns is limbering up for a sports day. Three of the clerics are having a sack race. Another two are practising the long jump.The rest of the men and women of the cloth are simply leaping about in the most imbecilic manner imaginable. Over by the shore of the Shannon, on a small island of rocks, stand two more priests. Their names are Ted and Dougal and they are wearing bright blue sequinned jackets above their clerical garb. They are filming a video for a song entitled 'My Lovely Horse' which they plan to enter in a national song contest. While performing their number, the duo skim pebbles across the surface of the water and smile in a style that would be instantly familiar to devotees of continental cabaret artistes. Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of Father Ted. For over three weeks now, the area of the Burren around Ennistymon, Kilfenora and Mullagh Mór has been transformed into Craggy Island, the mythical home of Fr. Ted (Dermot Morgan), Fr. Dougal (Ardal O'Hanlon), Fr. Jack (Frank Kelly), occasional playground for a motley array of their fellow Fathers and the tea-making headquarters of the long suffering housekeeper, Mrs. Doyle (Pauline McLynn). Unusual sights involving helicopters, horses, tandem bicycles, out-of-control wheelchairs, rabbits, and, of course, priests, priests and more priests have become commonplace. When the first series of Father Ted was aired on Channel 4 earlier this year, it attracted an audience of over two million, a more than healthy figure for a brand new sitcom. Its word of mouth reputation was excellent and the show gradually acquired what people who write about television tend to describe as "cult status." A second series of ten episodes was commissioned immediately. Then, a fortnight ago, at the British Comedy Awards, Father Ted was propelled into an infinitely more exalted realm when its creators, Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews, picked up the gong for Best New Television Comedy, and Ardal O'Hanlon was voted Top Television Comedy Newcomer. Graham and Arthur have been a professional team of grin reapers for over four years now. To date, they've worked with everyone from Smith and Jones through Alexei Sayle to Steve Coogan. The fact that they were accorded these garlands for their own project, however, was especially gratifying. "Since I was a kid, I've practised awards speeches in my head," says Graham Linehan. "But when it came down to it, I was too shit scared to even speak. This may sound arrogant but people who like comedy like the show and the awards was a great night for us because it was recognition from comedy people.It felt like we'd arrived, in a way. "People like Bob Monkhouse, Michael Barrymore, John Bird and John Fortune were coming up to us, shaking our hands, and saying they liked the show. We've felt ourselves that the second series is going to be much funnier than the first and this means that it will have a much higher profile as well. It couldn't have worked out better if we'd planned it." The first series of Father Ted will be repeated in January, with the second run following soon afterwards, in March. Media interest in the show in the UK is now considerable and a major promotion campaign is being plotted for the months ahead. Fr.Ted and Fr. Dougal have even been asked to do one of those you're-watching-Channel 4 station identification clips. "The new series is certainly not any more down-to-earth," laughs Arthur Mathews. "It's quite unreasonable really. It's not in any way reality based. What happens in it would never happen in a million years. But it's more adventurous in the sense that there are a lot of stunts in it, and a lot of more daft characters and situations. "I must admit that I have one regret about the awards ceremony though," he adds solemnly. "If we won, I had intended to make an appeal, in Irish, for immediate British withdrawal from our country. Unfortunately, I was so pissed that I forgot to say anything at all about British imperialism, in either English or Irish. I let down all my friends, especially my friends in Republican Sinn Fein. I feel very ashamed." Mid-morning, Thursday. Today, the Community Centre in Kilfenora is the location for several scenes from an episode with the rather Mr. Moto sounding title of Think Fast, Father Ted!. A disco is in full swing in the Craggy Island parish hall. Unfortunately, the DJ (another priest, natch) has forgotten all of his records except a copy of 'Ghostown' by The Specials, which he plays over and over again. He even plays it in lieu of the national anthem at the end of the evening. At one point, in the interests of variety, Fr. Ted introduces a quartet of priestly colleagues who favour the assembly with a little party-piece of their own. The foursome turn out to be a robotic synthesiser pop combo in the Kraftwerk mode (their tune incidentally was written by Neil Hannon of The Divine Comedy, who also penned the irresistible melody for the aforementioned 'My Lovely Horse', and indeed the Father Ted theme music). While the shots are being set up inside the hall, the actors wander around in full costume. It's a bizarrely disturbing sight. Kilfenora suddenly erupts with a Vatican swell of clerical black and strangling collars. Everywhere you look, there are priests smoking, priests playing cards, priests reading the paper, priests taking leaks behind walls. Down the street in Vaughan's pub, two more priests are nursing glasses of wine at the bar and displaying no inclination whatsoever to turn it into the blood of Christ. It's de Valera's wildest fantasy, and right here in his beloved Co. Clare too. As far as the people of Kilfenora are concerned, however, there is nothing in the least distressing about this appalling vista.The filming of Father Ted here is the biggest thing to happen to this sleepy hamlet and céil' band Mecca since, well, parts of the first series were filmed down here last year. "It's unbelievable how keen the people here are," insists local co-ordinator, B&B keeper and Fianna F‡il activist, John Morgan. "Anything that they want, I'll organise it immediately.There's no such thing as 'It can't be done'. The word Noisn't in our vocabulary. If there's something needed from Dublin, I'll have it down in a couple of hours. We put up posters looking for extras in Kilfenora, Ennistymon, Lisdoonvarna, Doolin. They've come from all around, but we tried to make sure there was plenty of people from Kilfenora in particular (laughs). "In a pub in Ennistymon, one of the crew was having a birthday party, the second night they were here. There was only about eight guys there that night. But the owner went up and got down a bottle of whiskey, wrapped it up and gave it to him. He was a good businessman, he knew what he was doing. His pub has been filled for the rest of the time. Nobody has said no to any request. Nobody has got greedy for the money end of it. The people who were involved last year were paid the day they finished so there was no carry-on like Divine Rapture below in Cork. We can't wait for them to come back next year. There'll be a Céad M'le Fáilte for them." The fee for a day's work as an extra is £30 plus breakfast and lunch. For some, it's the only paid employment they're likely to get until the tourist season resumes next Spring. The irony is though that the Burren is deepest two channel land. Given RTE's apparent reluctance to buy the series, many of the bit payers may never get a chance to see themselves on screen. Hat Trick Productions, the London company who make Father Ted for Channel 4 sent over copies of the first series and several public transmissions were organised in bars and clubs. On the night the British Comedy Awards were televised, dozens of local people gathered with the cast and crew in those Ennistymon pubs that can pick up ITV and celebrated the show's victories late into the night. "It was," says John Morgan, "like Clare winning the All Ireland all over again." But surely there must be some elements in the region who would object to a programme which pokes fun, however lightly, at our most revered clergy? "No," asserts John Morgan firmly. "Nobody has any reservations about it. There's a crew of sixty or more staying in the town, in the month of December. How else would you get that? I'd say, oh God, this is worth a couple of hundred thousand to the area. You're talking about maybe two thousand pounds a day in extras and location fees. I've yet to see anybody complaining about anything. They're delighted to be part of it, delighted that they might be seen on television by their friends. "I taped the last series and I showed it to a lot of people around. Eight out of every ten would be in stitches, the other two wouldn't know whether to laugh or not, but nobody objects." The truth is that all the priests in Father Ted are immeasurably nicer, jollier, more decent people than the real clerics we've been hearing about in the court reports of late. "The church have done very well out of Father Ted," agrees Dermot Morgan with a sardonic chuckle. "They should be down on their knees thanking Arthur and Graham. If I had started doing a clergy-bashing routine a couple of years ago, people would've said it's passé stuff, all this angry, anti-clericalism.But the fuckers still came out with all that shit during the referendum.They needed another kick in the arse. "I was very disappointed that I couldn't vote myself actually, because I was down here. I tried to have my vote transferred but you can only do that if you're a soldier or a Garda. There were a lot of Yes voters here who couldn't vote. Still, I was very happy on the Saturday night the result was announced. I was running around Centra in Lahinch going, 'Yes! Pick it out my son!'.I was doing my Roget Millet thing in front of the dairy section.Everybody else was in the shop very quiet. There was a very high No vote in Clare. "But, yeah, poor old Ted and Dougal are too nice to be priests probably. The real fuckers deserve everything they get for the abuse and the hurt that they have visited on people mentally, spiritually and physically. They're bang out of order. I'm beginning to sound like Sinéad O'Connor, amn't I?" Striking the precise note of muted absurdity is very important to Linehan and Mathews, and indeed to everyone involved in the making of Father Ted. Arthur, in particular, is a master of clerical minutiae. God is in the details, I guess - the furrowed brow, the shambling gait, the vacuous modesty, the blissful dumbness, the maundering, the weird, verbless speech, the shiny shoes and the timeless verity that you almost never see a priest with a moustache. For Arthur, the ultimate template of authenticity is the cover of an All Priests Show cassette which he always carries on his person. When it comes to the actual writing, however, the fact that the central characters in Father Ted are priests is almost incidental. "I think what we're doing about priests in Ireland isn't nearly as important as what we're doing in terms of comedy in England," Graham Linehan claims. "I'm a huge fan of American comedy. There are brilliant exceptions but sitcoms in England are being left behind by Seinfeld, The Simpsonsand Larry Sanders. The Simpsons in particular is a major influence on the writing of this series. It's like gold dust when I get a tape of it. "I get excited about The Simpsons now the way I used to get excited about The Pixies when I was writing about music in HOT PRESS. I love the way they use cut aways, and the whole feel of that show. Obviously, in real life, some priests are real shitbags. But, in writing Father Ted, we're more interested in this wonderful world of tea and chatting that they inhabit.It's how we can use that in terms of comedy that excites me. At the same time, there are a few digs at them in the new series." "The last couple of years have been a blur of priestly awfulness," adds Arthur. "You couldn't write a comedy series about it.I've read Secret Love, the Fr. Michael Cleary book, and it's certainly the best book I've ever read, but you wouldn't get away with the stuff that he was up to in a sitcom like Father Ted. To capture Fr. Michael Cleary's life, you'd have to do a domestic comedy, something more like Man About The House." One reading of RTE's unwillingness to buy Father Ted, despite its inherent appeal to an Irish audience, could be a sense of queasiness about the religious irreverence of the show. On the other hand, given Father Ted's strong Irish pedigree (Irish writers, largely Irish cast, Irish director Declan Lowney etc.etc.), perhaps it simply boils down to nothing more complex than plain, old-fashioned embarrassment. "When the first series came out, a lot of quite well-meaning journalists were going on about how RTE should be ashamed of itself," offers Graham. "There's no reason why RTE should suddenly become a great sitcom making station. Something like that is not going to happen overnight. We knew that if we wanted to get the show done properly, it would have to be done by a company like Hat Trick with all the production values that they could give us. Our responsibility is not to anything other than to the show and the characters. "However, it's made now and I can't see why they shouldn't take advantage of that fact. If the RTE heads are as stupid as everybody tells me they are, then it's just stupidity and that's very sad. If they're not stupid, they must have a very good reason for not buying this programme. They've just bought The Thin Blue Line, a show with English actors about characters in an English police station. Surely, a series about Irish priests on an Irish island is more relevant than that? "Whatever their problem is, they should just get over it.It's very annoying to talk to extras from Kilfenora here today, guys and girls my own age, and see how pissed off they are that they won't be able to see it. Irish people love this show." Last year, during the shooting of the first series, Dermot Morgan and Ardal O'Hanlon had to spend an entire day underneath a rain machine which mercilessly gushed filthy, icy water down upon their heads. "What greater humiliation could you subject us to?" said Morgan to Arthur and Graham as he sloshed his way back to his dressing room that evening. "Why don't you have a lorry load of sewage dumped on us?" This time round, that's exactly what happened. On one of those bone-cracking winter days when the raw wind raises red weals on everybody's cheeks, Ardal and Dermot had to suffer the indignity of being engulfed in a torrent of icy, filthy water again, but this time from the hold of a sewage truck. "In deference to the writers, I don't make script suggestions because that's entirely their prerogative and I never cross that line," Dermot maintains, still shivering at the thought of the experience."That was the only time I opened my mouth but I have been double-sure to keep my mouth well buttoned ever since." After twenty days of location filming, the central cast are clearly beginning to show the strain but none moreso than Morgan and O'Hanlon, who appear in virtually every scene. "No matter how tough it gets, I still see this as a very well paid holiday," asserts Ardal. "Stand-up is my real job but that's such an obsessive thing, and you spend long hours on your own being self-absorbed, so it is actually brilliant to work with other people for a change and to have people telling you what to do and making suggestions all the time. "Working in a team can only help your stand-up in the long run. The confidence you get from something like this is also great.I'm more aware of things like animation now, not just standing there, frozen, delivering lines. Being rigid was part of my stand-up character but that's a bit limiting in the long run." Alone among those who travelled to London for the ceremony, Ardal claims not to have enjoyed the British Comedy Awards. "It was very tense," he admits. "Jesus! They shove all these huge egos into the one room and expect people to enjoy themselves. We were so wrapped up in Ennistymon life, it was a hassle to have to go over. Then, you get these cameras stuck in your face twenty seconds before the award. It was all a bit strange, really. I can't wait to see it on video to get some sort of perspective. "If I had been asked about awards a month ago, I'd have said they're an evil really, comedians shouldn't be competitive in that sense. But being nominated for one forces you to deal with a situation that's not of your making and to form an opinion about it. Obviously, you want to win and not lose. People who lose are quite downcast." A pragmatic, level headed Monaghan man, Ardal has never been dazzled by ideas of fame, stardom or acclaim, but he claims to have shocked himself by just how blissfully unfazed he was by the glitz and the glory. "Two years ago, I had left Dublin, I'd signed on the dole, I really had no idea what I was doing, not a clue," he states."But it's amazing how quickly you can take things in your stride and accept them. Winning an award is exciting but only on reflection and you don't always reflect on it. Bob Monkhouse did come up to me and shake my hand. He was a guy I always detested but, after he told me how great he thought I was, I realised he wasn't so bad after all. It is amazing how you start to think this is perfectly normal. "I'm not interested in the company of celebrities or anything like that. I was never enthralled by any major showbusiness figure.It's something that has stood me in good stead over the years.I don't get enthralled by people except footballers. I'm guilty of the same attitude that I detect in a lot of Irish people. You don't know how good you are until you go away. A lot of Irish people don't know their worth. "My interest is excellence. I'm not interested in doing things for the sake of it. I'm interested in doing good work and, if I get the recognition, great. I'm immensely proud of Father Ted. I can't watch myself doing stand-up on telly, but I can watch Father Ted and I laugh time and time again. It's a joy to do." It's a measure of just how dramatically the winning of something like a British Comedy Award can change things that there is already talk of film offers for both Arthur and Graham, and Ardal. On the night itself, all three had bottles of champagne sent to their hotel rooms by one very keen movie corporation. "It's flattering and very nice to get that sort of interest," asserts Ardal. "But you don't know how seriously to take these kind of flamboyant gestures. Needless to say, though, we all drank the champagne." Lunchtime in Vaughan's. Steaming platefuls of lamb, cod and bacon 'n' cabbage are being voraciously devoured by cast and crew around a blazing open fire. On his way to pick up some cutlery, Dermot Morgan stops off at the table I'm sharing with Arthur and Graham. For five solid minutes, he improvises a series of uproarious sketches featuring, amongst others, a lecherous priest, a demented GAA mentor and a pompous rugby dork, and throws in a bravura Charlie Haughey caricature for good measure. The thought occurs that this guy ought to be on TV. Or radio.If not once a week then at least once in a while. But, oh no, this is Ireland where the national broadcaster believes itself to be so teeming with talent that it can blithely afford to turn a blind eye to someone like Morgan. Montrose may be located in Donnybrook, Dublin 4, but it's obviously positioned somewhere in Deep Space 9. All of a sudden, a person could lose his appetite just thinking about it. Dermot Morgan himself is beyond caring, however. RTE is now simply out of the picture as far as he's concerned. With the success of Father Ted, he's both confident and content that Britain is where his future lies. "It finally feels like I'm getting somewhere," he says."In an individual sense, it finally feels like I'm getting the semblance of a career together. It's a different mountain to climb. If I'm smart about it, I might make it. If I'm not, I won't. I want to give it plenty of time in London to see what can be brought on. Without being presumptuous, my guess is that Channel 4 will do a third series, I'd be surprised if they didn't.And who can tell where Ted will go in the long run? I've got my performing break, now I need to get my writing andperforming break. I'm much more interested in writing now. I very much want to put up or shut up about it once and for all. "During last year's production of Ted in the London studios by the South Bank, I remember looking out the window over that marvellous vista of Waterloo Bridge, the Savoy and off up towards the West End. That was a moment when I felt 'This is home!'.Working on network television in Britain on a major comedy series - this is what I've wanted to do ever since I was a kid and first saw people like Marty Feldman on TV." Talkback productions have optioned a sitcom proposal written by Morgan and he is currently working on the fourth draft of an entire series of scripts. All going well, the show could begin filming before the end of next year. "The sit com concerns two ex-professional footballers living in London," he explains. "They're in that mid-life freefall which guys like that enter when they leave the club. "Everything falls apart for most people in mid-life anyway but it's extremely severe for ex-professional footballers. They have had a cosseted experience in the schoolboy environment of a professional football club and they come out at thirty-five or thirty-six into the real world. The hairdresser that they married at twenty-one has left, and so on. There's a lot of scope there for a series, I think. "Arthur and Graham have been extremely generous in terms of introductions and suggestions. I was introduced to Talkback through Arthur and Graham. They've lent their opinions and read the first two or three drafts. What the British companies treasure about Arthur and Graham is their madness and the width of their imagination. There isn't a place for that in Ireland. RTE chooses not to have a place for that in Ireland. "What they have learned over here is terrific in terms of their critique. They can put down detailed notes that are fantastically helpful. I'm very optimistic that I can hack it this time. I've learned an awful lot about structure and I've taught myself a lot. I've got some good ideas which I want to prove are good." While he has no intention of selling his home in Dublin, Dermot Morgan expects to spend at least six months out of each of the next few years in London. "It's not a bad place to spend time," he grins. "I can go up to see Chelsea at weekends, or Arsenal, if I get tired of football. I've done enough time on the road in Ireland. I'm not mad about touring in the stand-up sense any more. I might do some stand-up work in London but, happily, it will be devoid of Noonans and Haugheys. "I saw Gay Byrne having a sideswipe at me recently. That's a signal. When you've lost Gay, somebody's telling you something: 'Get out of this country!'. He had a cut at me in the Business Post. He was basically pissing gently down my back, going on about how he'd seen me die more times and how he'd personally been a great supporter. It was a real patronising thing about how, God love me, I still keep coming back for more. It was damning with faint praise. And when you've lost Gay, you're finished in this country. I think he's taken up with that new boy, Brendan O'Carroll. He only has eyes for him." Anyway, in recent times, Dermot has felt that some of his most fruitful satirical targets have become almost impossible to lampoon simply because they already do such a good job of that themselves.Baldy Noonan's performances during the Lowry farce and the divorce debate, for instance, were pure Scrap Saturday. And then, there's Eamon Dunphy. "It's very hard to parody Dunphy now because he has become such a parody of himself," Morgan avers. "I mean that very seriously. I thought his article about divorce was a fucking disgrace. I thought it was the most whinging, middle-aged miasma of pure bollocks I've ever come across. It really maddened me.I've always seen Dunphy as a national asset. He's a star turn.If TV3 are smart, they should sign him up because he will deliver ratings. However, his cries for attention, such as his attack on Heaney and his let's-be-controversial piece before the divorce referendum, were despicable. "If he sincerely believes the things he wrote, he's completely hypocritical and very un-self aware. Next time, I'll come off the fence and tell you what I really think. "For all that Arthur and Graham have done for me, and I hope I've repaid their generosity by being a good Fr. Ted for them, I was particularly able to do the business for Arthur recently," recounts Dermot Morgan. "I was able to introduce him to Jack Charlton. He has not been the same since. I've met Jack Charlton a number of times but I would never expect him to remember my name, no more than if I was playing in the centre of his midfield.I was in The Baggot Inn one night having a pint with Arthur, and suddenly Jack appears and says (adopts uncanny Charlton accent), 'Dermot, that thing with the priests, Ah loov that, bloody funny'. "Apparently, his wife taped all the episodes for him. It's the one programme he never wants to miss. So, I said one of the writers of the show is here and I introduced him to Arthur. It was love. I could see it in his eyes. I tried to drag him away from Jack but he wouldn't go. He's a Leeds fan, you see." By the time you read this, the Father Ted circus will have upped sticks from the Burren and moved away for another year.In January, the remaining indoor scenes for the next series will be shot before a live audience in a London studio. It is, indeed, a long, long way from Clare to there. "I would like to use this opportunity, through the pages of HOT PRESS, to invite people to please come down here to Kilfenora," appeals Arthur Mathews plaintively. "Walk across the Burren and collect some rare fauna and send it away to your cousins in America. You have nothing to lose but your chains!" He then adjourned to a small room where it is believed he was plied with strong drink by members of the local Chamber of Commerce for several days.