================= THE NEW STATESMAN ================= ================= Episode Guide ================= Version 2.2, Jan 95 Any corrections, additions, or comments to Michael Shephard (michaels@jake.chem.unsw.edu.au or michaels@cumulus.csd.unsw.edu.au) (c) 1995. OK to copy this file providing it is done in full ************* Introduction ************* The New Statesman is a scathing, satirical comedy series created and written by Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran. It is about the goings-on of far right wing Conservative MP Alan B'Stard. The series has won a number of awards, including an International Emmy (1989), and a Best comedy series BAFTA (1990) While looking at politics and power in general, The New Statesman focuses especially hard on the Tory party. Coincidentally the period the 4 series cover is an interesting period in the life of real world Tory politics, in that its initial series has Thatcher at the height of her power and later series have to account for her fall and the rise of John Major. (Then again, without Margaret Thatcher would the likes of The New Statesman, A Very Peculiar Practice, Yes {Prime} Minister, and GBH - among others, ever have been made?) ***************** The Major Players ***************** Alan B'Stard (played by Rik Mayall) A Tory rising star. He is the man with the most enormous......majority in Parliament. His electorate is Haltemprice in Yorkshire (Yorkshire because The New Statesman is made for Yorkshire TV :-). This is unusual in that the Conservative stronghold is the South of England, but Alan makes up for his northerly situation by being so right wing he is a Conservatives Conservative. But give Alan his due, he doesn't always follow the party line, he often follows a much, much higher ideal - that of his own self interest! Piers Fletcher-Dervish (played by Michael Troughton) A triumph of upper-class breeding! He comes from such inbred stock that if his IQ was any lower he would need watering. A true Conservative, he will always vote the party way, unless he gets confused and votes the other way, or forgets to vote alltogether. While his heart is in the right place he is always easily led into playing a part in Alan's schemes. Usually Piers fails to understand his role in Alan's plans - if he even realises he actually has a part in the scheme in the first place! Still, even Piers can be bought - and his price is exactly #1.50. Sarah B'Stard (played by Marsha Fitzalan) Attractive, intelligent, rich, comes from a long aristocratic lineage - but that's not why Alan married her. Her father controls the local Conservative party for Haltemprice, hence it is he who decides who will be the Tory candidate for the seat - that is why Alan married her. The marriage is not very satisfying so she seeks the comfort of other people (male or female). Let me qualify that: It is more that Alan is satisfied in the time it takes to soft-boil a quail's egg (55 seconds or less), while Sarah is more a hard boiled ostrich egg type, hence her need for additional solace. Norman/Norma Bormann (played by R. R. Cooper) - Series 1 only. Alan's creative accountant. Due to creative book-keeping Norman has to lie low for a while, so he is going to disappear by having a sex change operation. "He" is already well on the way, what with the hormone treatments and everything. Has to do Alan's bidding as only Alan can finance the next stages in his treatment. Becomes more and more female as series 1 progresses. Sir Greville McDonald (played by Terence Alexander) - Episode 2.7 on. Elder statesman, a real power behind the throne type. He is probably what B'Stard will eventually become. Not as flamboyant or a hyper as Alan, but he is more corrupt, more powerful, and has more fingers in more pies than B'Stard. *************** Series 1 (1987) *************** 1.1 Happiness Is a Warm Gun Due to unfortunate "accidents" occurring to his political opponents, Alan Beresford B'Stard is elected MP for Haltemprice in a landslide. There is a price to pay; to keep the Police from investigating the accidents too closely, he has to arrange to pass a law to allow the Police to carry arms at all times. Still, it's an ill wind, some-one has to arrange the arms deal to provide all those extra guns, a chance for a nice fat profit. 1.2 Passport To Freedom Alan's going to Germany for a farming conference but he has forgotten his passport. Even though his side won the war, the Germans won't let him on the plane. Worse though, Sarah has inherited millions and is going to divorce him, meaning he will lose the critical support of her father in his electorate. 1.3 Sex Is Wrong Alan joins the anti pornography lobby, just so he can get his hands on the samples of porn the group keeps to show to its members exactly the sort of filth being sold on the streets. Piers is upset by a remake of the classic fairy story, Snow White and the Seven Perverts, as he is sure there never was a dwarf called Horny. 1.4 Waste Not Want Not Alan has to shift a stash of Plutonium oxide because the lock-up garage where it is currently stored is going to be demolished. 1.5 Friends of St. James An old school chum, who is apparently president for life of his own Caribbean state, needs help arranging for capital assistance to improve his nations major export industry - the production of a mellow "tobacco" like plant. 1.6 Three Line Whipping A new prostitute at Alan's local brothel thought he is a masochist and gives him a good whipping. It's actually the other way around! Alan is a sadist and it should have been him whipping the prostitute. Anyhow, the general downer the beating causes makes Alan severely stuff up the rest of his day - especially a TV interview. 1.7 Baa-Baa Black Sheep Due to Alan's complete lack of participation in local affairs, his automatic selection as the Tory candidate for Haltemprice is under threat. If he can attract a large sheep farming industry to his electorate all will be saved. However, to be sure, he needs to nobble the chances any alternative areas have as possible sites for the location of the lamb-burger factory. Even harder for Alan is that he has to pretend to be a fundamentalist Christian! *************** Series 2 (1989) *************** 2.1 Fatal Extraction Alan discovers oil. All he has to do is take control of the local council in whose land the oil is located. Pity the local government in question is so left-wing that the only way the Torys could ever gain control is to take the vote away from the working class. (Now that's an idea!) 2.2 Live From Westminster Parliamentary proceedings are being broadcast on TV. This is a great opportunity for Alan to increase his profile, and just think of the product endorsements and merchandising. 2.3 The Wapping Conspiracy Alan forms, and heads, the "Young Ladies Recreational Association" just so he can get his hands on young nubile teenagers. Problems arise when the recreations Alan indulges in with the teenagers are made public by the press. 2.4 The Haltemprice Bunker Alan goes in search of Nazi war criminals (as it could be worth 70-80K a year in lecture tours, endorsements, and publicity). 2.5 California Here I Come B'Stard goes to California to see a movie producer about a picture he would like made. He picks up a starlet for a really wild night, just how wild he will soon find out. 2.6 May The Best Man Win Piers is getting married and Alan is the best man (only because Piers paid him 500 pounds for the privilege). However, Piers' fiance will put a stop to Alan's manipulations of him, therefore Alan must ensure the marriage doesn't take place. 2.7 Piers Of The Realm Alan actually spends time in his electorate seeing his constituents (only because he has a horse running in a race meeting at a nearby racetrack). It appears B'Stard has crossed one too many persons, as some-one has decided it's pay-back time. Warning: This episode contains a really depraved teddy-bear torturing scene. *************** Special (1990) *************** 2.8 Who Shot Alan B'stard? Episode 2.7, Piers Of The Realm, ends with Alan B'Stard being shot. Would Alan make mileage of his attempted assassination to push through a law to bring back capital punishment? Will he make money from his miraculous recovery with the treatments of Chief Amlooni and the "Central Amazon Spiritual Healers" charity? (Please abbreviate the title of the charity when writing a cheque to simply CASH.) Would he try to get the contracts for the construction of all those gallows? (Hanging - the only ecological way to execute people.) Can Alan ensure that the executions are public and televised (and just who would sell the tickets and TV rights)? Pretty stupid questions really, are the answers ever in doubt! One pretty interesting question is: Who will be the first person hanged when capital punishment is brought back? *************** Series 3 (1991) *************** 3.1 Labour Of Love Victor Crosby is a recently elected Tory who is planning to take over the mantle of the most right-wing MP in Parliament. This will never do; B'Stard being pre-empted from his golden boy status is enough to make one join the Labour party. 3.2 The Party's Over The government's cash cow (North Sea oil) is apparently running out. The Torys want to go to the polls before the proverbial hits the fan and they want Alan to run their re-election campaign. 3.3 Let Them Sniff Cake It's all go today for B'Stard, what with death threats from animal liberationists and arranging drug deals for his friends. 3.4 Keeping Mum The government passes a law cutting off Social Security for old people as a way of forcing the children of the elderly to support them. Problem is this brings Alan's bag-lady mother in from the cold now that Alan has to care for her. How to get rid of the old bat once and for all? 3.5 Natural Selection Ken Price is an influential and rich businessman from Haltemprice. Because of Alan's complete lack of involvement in local affairs, Ken has put himself forward as the next Tory candidate for Haltemprice (and as the new squire of Sarah B'Stard - again due to Alan's complete lack of involvement :-). This of course means that Alan has to destroy him utterly. Piers also shows he can play the power game, as he manoeuvres for nothing short of Presidency of the Parliamentary stamp club. 3.6 Profit Of Boom Alan is on a mission to bring capitalism to Russia. The old guard (both British and Russian) want a return to the status quo, so they entice B'Stard to play a role in their schemes. *************** Series 4 (1992) *************** 4.1 Back From The Mort Due to his stay in a Russian gulag, Alan has lost possession of his old electorate, his money, and his wife. But why concentrate on Britain when the rest of Europe is waiting? So Alan becomes an MEP (Member of the European Parliament) for an electorate in East Germany - and in doing so revenges himself on the people who abandoned him and regains his wealth. Welcome aboard the EC gravy boat B'Stard. (A gravy boat is like a gravy train, only bigger, slower, and you can help yourself as often as you like.) 4.2 Speaking In Tongues Alan is really getting into the European Community spirit, like ordering a Danish (Danish prostitute that is) for morning tea, and using the translation unit to translate his pornographic magazines. Then there is this neat scam Alan can run involving the translators. 4.3 H.A.S.H There is a possibility that cannabis could be legalised. Piers has been told to do the right thing for England when it comes up for a vote; problem is that he has forgotten what the right thing is! Then again, Piers thinks "courtesan" is a banned drug, an "anna bollocks spheroid", that athletes take to make their wobbly bits grow bigger. This could be the start of the biggest scam Alan has done in a long time, but the people already in the (illegal) industry may have something to say about the matter. 4.4 Heil And Farewell Neo-Nazism is on the rise and, with the help of Adolf Hitler's "meat and one veg", Alan is setting up to take over control of the up and coming new Reich. 4.5 A Bigger Splash Alan is spending a lot of money on arranging for a charity shipment to be sent war torn Bosnia, even going so far as to buying a luxury yacht to transport the goods and himself there. There has got to be something in it for him, is it another one of his C.A.S.H. charity scams? 4.6 The Irresistible Rise Of Alan B'Stard Piers has lost his Winnie-The-Poo thermos flask, and Alan is losing his fortune. What is Alan to do? It is time for a promotion from the back-benches to a more prominent government position. Perhaps a post that hasn't been filled for hundreds of years - that of Lord Protector? ************************************ Other Appearances of Alan B'Stard MP ************************************ Thanks to James Kew (j.kew@ic.ac.uk), jmd@followed.win-uk.net and Dave Chapman (dave@cheers.demon.co.uk) for the info. 0.1 The New Statesman at Number 10 (Shown on BBC1, March 1988) This is a 15 minute appearance for Comic Relief. 0.2 A B'Stard Exposed (shown on BBC1, 30th December 1994) This has B'Stard being interviewed by Brian Walden (a heavyweight political interviewer). In the interview, B'Stards discusses his return to Parliament following his recent Welsh by-election victory, his personal manifesto for the 21st century, and finally his megalomaniac ambitions to destroy Parliament. ************ UK Air Dates ************ Thanks to Dave Chapman (dave@cheers.demon.co.uk) for the info. Being made for Yorkshire television, the series is seen on ITV, except for the two other appearances, "The New Statesman at Number 10" and "A B'Stard Exposed" which were shown by BBC1. In the case of Australia, Channel 7 has the rights to all the regular episodes and have shown all 4 series at least once. The special is yet to be seen in Oz. 1.1 Sep 13 87 Happiness is a Warm Gun 1.2 Sep 20 87 Passport to Freedom 1.3 Sep 27 87 Sex is Wrong 1.4 Oct 4 87 Waste Not Want Not 1.5 Oct 11 87 Friends of St. James 1.6 Oct 18 87 Three Line Whipping 1.7 Oct 25 87 Baa Baa Black Sheep 0.1 Mar 88 The New Statesman at Number 10 [15 mins, Comic Relief] 2.1 Jan 15 89 Fatal Extraction 2.2 Jan 22 89 Live from Westminster 2.3 Jan 29 89 A Wapping Conspiracy 2.4 Feb 5 89 The Haltemprice Bunker 2.5 Feb 12 89 California Here I Come 2.6 Feb 19 89 May the Best Man Win 2.7 Feb 26 89 Piers of the Realm 2.8 Jan 14 90 Who Shot Alan B'Stard? [60 mins, Double-length special] 3.1 Jan 6 91 Labour of Love 3.2 Jan 13 91 The Party's Over 3.3 Jan 20 91 Let Them Sniff Cake 3.4 Jan 27 91 Keeping Mum 3.5 Feb 4 91 Natural Selection 3.6 Feb 11 91 Profit of Boom 4.1 Nov 22 92 Back from the Mort 4.2 Nov 29 92 H*A*S*H 4.3 Dec 6 92 Speaking in Tongues 4.4 Dec 13 92 Heil and Farewell 4.5 Dec 20 92 A Bigger Splash 4.6 Dec 26 92 The Irresistible Rise of Alan B'Stard 0.2 Dec 30 94 A B'Stard Exposed [Interview with Brian Walden] ***** Books ***** Some of the info taken from "Books for the avid Britcomedy fan" Compiled & maintained by Melinda Casino (casino@pobox.upenn.edu). "The New Statesman" (by Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran) A collection of 9 selected scripts, three each from series 1, 2 and 3. (Andre Deutsch 1992, ISBN 0-233-98797-5) It contains the scripts of: 1.2 Passport to Freedom 1.5 Friends of St James 1.6 Three Line Whipping 2.2 Live from Westminster 2.4 The Haltemprice Bunker 2.7 Piers of the Realm 3.1 Labour of Love 3.2 The Party's Over 3.5 Natural Selection It also includes black and white photographs of some of the scenes. The New Statesman (by Anna Morgan) Six stories based on the first series of "The New Statesman". (Javelin 1987, #2.95 0-7137-2022-0 paperback) The B'Stard File (by Laurence Marks, Maurice Gran, et. al.) A spoof dossier on B'Stard's life and dodgy dealings. (David & Charles 1988, #4.95/A$12.95 0-7153-0305-7 paperback) ****** Videos ****** All regular episodes, the double length special, and the Comic Relief appearance of the Right Honourable Alan B'Stard MP have been released on video (at least in the UK). While all episodes of The New Statesman are available in a regular style release (as single tapes, with 3-4 episodes per tape) there is also a boxed set of series 1-3 plus the special available, called "The Absolute B'Stard Box Set" released by Castle Vision. The set is comprised of three tapes, with one series per tape, the special being on the series 3 tape. Note, with the boxed set, the opening title sequence from all but the first episode on each video has been removed. Similarly the closing credits have been removed, except for the last episode on each video which now has an extended credit list. Thanks to Jan Staff (staff@oslonett.no) for this info: The Comic Relief appearance of B'Stard, The New Statesman at Number 10, is available on a video produced for Comic Relief and is titled (I think) "Exclusive Relief". This is no longer available new, best hope for a lucky find in second-hand shop.