<>@2{H O G M A N A Y @3}By Ken D and ClydeIron @7 "Murdo gave the cock meal damped with whisky. It stood on tiptoe, crowed twelve times and fell flat on its beak. Later, Murdo, after the fifth verse of The Isle of Mull fell, glass in hand, flat on his back - doing in six hours what the cock had done in two minutes. I was there. And now I see the cock crowing with Murdo's face and Murdo's wings flapping as down he went. It was a long way home." (Norman MacCaig 1974) @5 As you may well know, the season of goodwill is fast approaching us. Personally, I'm not bothered about Xmas, it's New Year that this article is devoted to. Its aimed at people that don't know the "etiquette" that we Scots cycle through every year. It comes in 3 parts; Hogmanay, New Years day and the next few days after that! @7 "Hogmanay in Scotland is a bit like your Christmas - only without God to spoil things" (Billy Connoly) @5 So here's a quick guide to all you boozers out there on having a hell of a New Year celebration, from two full- blooded hairy highlanders (well, a Fifer and a Glasweigan, but who cares?) @5 Hogmanay (meaning "New Years Eve" for the ill-informed among you) is usually spent by hordes of people flocking to off-sales and buying enough booze to get an ordinary person blitzed for a month. However, we Scots are made of stronger stuff (Irn-Bru in our blood, you see) Also, people tend to "dry-up" ie not drink anything prior to the Bells. When evening comes, a change of clothes and a bite to eat is all that's needed to prepare yourself for the forthcoming midnight... But there is a lot of preparation needed for a Hogmanay party, so... Plan ahead. Its no use staring at the clock at 21:30 on New Years Eve, and suddenly decide to have a party. Preparation is the key. If you can help it, DON'T have a party yourself. This only means you've got to clear all the mess away the next morning - no fun with a hangover! @5 If you do decide to throw a party, make sure you've plenty of drink. One thing guaranteed to stop a party is the beer running out. A typical shopping list should include: At least 50 CANS of ordinary beer (whichever is cheapest; people'll drink whatever's there) At least 20 BOTTLES of Newcastle Brown Ale or equivalent. At least 5 BOTTLES of Vodka. At least 8 other BOTTLES of other SPIRITS. At least 3 BOTTLES of Whisky. @5 At least 8 BOTTLES of soft drinks (for mixing). Clear away all the breakable goods in the house, get rid of any pets and make sure your neighbours are invited. Its no good having a party until 5 in the morning if the old biddy next door wants to get to sleep at 11! Invite EVERYONE. Not everybody will turn up, but its better to be safe than sorry. Friends, friends of friends and friends of friends of friends are all more than welcome. Remember to keep the male:female ratio up though; an all-male party can quickly turn violent! @5 Don't just plonk all the booze down on a table and let everyone get on with it. It'll be gone within the first hour - instant "Party over" time. Instead, put enough down to keep everyone happy, and restock the store at regular intervals. Remember - if there's no booze, there's no party! As the big moment, the end of the year, approaches, make sure everyone has a drink in their hand for the traditional cheer. Switch on the telly, ignore all the fiddlers and the tartan-clad dancers, and wait for it... @2 N E ' E R D A Y @5 BONG! BONG! BONG! The start of a new year (and goodbye to an old one). Armed with a "dram" of Whisky, the REAL celebrations begin. People who were waiting just for this moment proceed to get totally wrecked and those who were wrecked already get even more wrecked. Don't worry about this - join in! The party will carry on into the small hours of the new year. The only real way to stop it is to remove all the alcohol; don't try this, it'll probably end in a fight. Just wait for it to run out naturally and then follow the people as they leave. They'll more than likely be leaving for another party, so don't hang around - follow them. Fuck the mess, you can do it in the morning. If you have any sense, you'll be leaving the hard work to someone else and going to a friends party. This is a much better idea; no mess the next morning and you don't have to supply as much booze. @5 Turn up at the house with a few bottles or cans (don't be stingy - it is Hogmanay and you'll probably end up drinking them yourselves). As soon as your in the house, the MOST IMPORTANT THING is to find a safe place for your jacket. Its no good, 10 hours later, when you're totally legless and ready to go home, stumbling about the house looking for that elusive bit of clothing (and when you do find it, some kind soul have generously vomited in the inside pocket). So locate a safe cupboard, bedroom or drawer and stick your jacket in there. DON'T FORGET WHERE YOU LEFT IT! @5 Now, to the serious stuff: @6 10 LOCATE beer 20 REPEAT 30 DRINK beer 40 UNTIL (drunk) or (midnight) 50 IF midnight 60 CHEER wildly 70 GOTO 20 @5 Feel free to replace the variable "beer" with any other intoxicating liquid of your choice. When the party starts to break up, follow your colleagues. If they are just going home, hard lines, but they'll more than likely be heading to another party where the booze is plentyful. Follow them (but don't forget your jacket!) @3 T H E N E X T F E W D A Y S @5 Back to reality. Sad really, as some of us have to do really tragic things (going back to England for instance) and remembering the fun times in the fun country. Of course, some of us live in the fun country... Have a great new year! Cheers! end.