*4@2
                               CRYPT@3 Jokes Page@1
                               ----------------
*2@5
      A little old lady,  well into her eighties, enters an erotic sex
      parlour.  Obviously very unstable on her feet,  she hobbles  the
      few  yards across the store to the counter,  and stands  swaying
      in  front  of  the  shop  assistant.   @1 "Ddddooo  youuuu  hhhave
      ddddildosss?"@5 she asks in an elderly vibrato.

      The  assistant,   politely trying not  to  burst  out  laughing,
      replies,@3 "Dildos? Yes, we have dildos. We carry many models."
@5
      So  the  old  woman then asks, @1 "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu  hhhave  aaa
      pppinkk  one,   tttenn  inchesss lllong aaandd  aabboutt  tttwoo
      inchessss thththiiickkk?"
@5
      And the assistant responds,@3 "Yes, madam, we do".
@1
      "Ccccccannnn   yyyyouuuu   tttelll   mmmmeeee   howwww  ttttoooo
      ttturrrnnn ttthe ffeecccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offfff?"



*3@4
                                 The Message
*2@3
      A  man  was  in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive,
      blonde,  female neighbor came out of the house and went straight
      to the mailbox.  She opened it,  looked inside, slammed it shut,
      and stormed back into her house.

      A  little  later she came out of her house again,  went  to  the
      mailbox,  again opened it,  and slammed it shut again.  Angrily,
      back into the house she went.

      As  the  man was getting ready to edge the lawn,  out she  comes
      again.  She marched to the mailbox,  opened it and then  slammed
      it closed harder than ever.

      Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her,@5 "Is something wrong?"
@3      To  which she replied, @1 "There certainly is!  My stupid computer
      keeps telling me I have mail!"
]5@7
                         Submitted by Jesse Parrott!

]1
@3
*3                            The Doctor Told me so
*2@5
      A  man  was  having  problems with premature ejaculation  so  he
      decided to go to the doctor.  He asked the doctor what he  could
      do to cure his problem.

      In  response,   the doctor said,@1  "When you feel  like  you  are
      getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
@5
      That  same  day the man went to the store and bought  himself  a
      starter pistol.  All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home
      to his wife.  At home,  he found his wife was in bed,  naked and
      waiting.   As the two began,  they found themselves  in  the  69
      position.   The man,  moments later,  felt the  sudden  urge  to
      ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

      The  next  day,   the man went back to the doctor.   The  doctor
      asked,  @1 "How did it go?"@5 The man answered, @4 "Not  that  well...
      when  I  fired the pistol,  my wife pooped on my  face,   bit  3
      inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet  with
      his hands in the air!"



*3@4                               He owed me some
*2@5
      A  woman  is  just getting out of the shower when  the  doorbell
      rings.  Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her see
      who's at the door,  so she wraps herself up in a towel and  runs
      downstairs.

      When  she  opens the door,  there stands her next-door neighbor,
      Rob.  Before she can say a word,  Rob says, @1 "I'll give you $500
      dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
@5
      After  thinking  for a moment,  the woman drops  her  towel  and
      stands naked in front of him.  He looks for a few seconds, hands
      her $500 dollars, and leaves.

      Excited  about her earnings,  the woman puts the towel  back  on
      and runs upstairs.  Her husband yells out from the shower,@4 "Who
      was that?"
@7
      "It was Rob from next door,"@5 she replies.
@4
      "Great,"@5 the husband says.@4  "Did he say anything about the  $500
      dollars he owes me?"

*3@2
                                Blind as a Bat*2@5

      A vampire bat came flapping in from the night,  face all covered
      in  fresh blood,  and parked himself on the roof of the cave  to
      get  some sleep.  Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood
      and  began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them  to
      piss  off and let him get some sleep,  but they persisted  until
      he finally gave in.
@3
      "OK,  follow me"@5, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds
      of bats behind him.

      Down  through the valley they went,  across a river and  into  a
      huge  forest of trees.  Finally he slowed down and all the other
      bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
@3      "Do you see that large oak tree over there?"@5 he asked
@1
           "YES, YES, YES !!!!"@5 the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
@3
           "Good!"@5 said the first bat,@3 "Because I feckin didn't" !!



*3@3
                                 Heaven Bound
*2@5
      A  Nun asked her class, @1 "What part of the body goes into Heaven
      first?"
@5
      A little girl raises her hand and says,@4  " I know,  I know,  the
      top of your head."
@5
      The Nun asks@1 "Why? "
@5
      The little girl says,@4 "because when you die, you go straight up,
      and the top of your head goes in first!"
@5
      The Nun replies,@1 "That makes sense, anyone else?"
@5
      Another little girl says,@3  " I know,  I know,  the tips of  your
      fingers."
@5
      The Nun asks@1 "Why the tips of your fingers?"
@5
      The  little  girl  replies, @3 "Because when you  put  your  hands
      together  to  pray,   the tips of your fingers  go  into  Heaven
      first!"



*2@5
      The nun says@1 "OK, anyone else?"
@5
      Little Johnny is in the back waving his hand.

      The Nun says@1 "OK Little Johnny,  Please tell us what part of the
      body goes into heaven first?"
@7
      "Your Feet! Your feet do, for sure!"
@5
      The Nun puzzled asks,@1 "Why do you think your feet do?"
@7
      "Because I was walking past my parents bedroom last night,   and
      my  Mom  was  in  there,   and she had both  her  feet  sticking
      straight up in the air,  and she was yelling @2"Oh God I'm coming.
      Oh  God  I'm  coming!"@7 and,  if my Dad hadn't been  holding  her
      down, I think she would have gone!"




*3@6
                                   I'm Busy@1
                                   ========
*2@5

      The confirmed bachelor decided to marry his long-time girlfriend.

@3
      "I  have to warn you however,"@5 said he, @3 "that on Mondays I play
      bridge,  on Tuesdays I work seminar,  on Wednesdays I go to  the
      gym,   on Thursdays I play indoor soccer,  on Fridays I  go  out
      with  the  boys from work,  and on Saturdays I go to  the  rugby
      with my mates, but on Sundays I'm all yours."


@7
      "That's  fine,"@5 she said. @7 "Just as long as you realise  that  I
      screw  every night of the week,  and it's your problem if you're
      not there."






*3@3
                                 Going Blind@1
                                 -----------
*2@5
      A  man left for work one Friday afternoon.  But instead of going
      home,   he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with  the  boys
      and spending his entire paycheck.

      When  He  finally  appeared  at home,   Sunday  night,   he  was
      confronted  by his very angry wife and was barraged  for  nearly
      two hours with a tirade of his actions.

      Finally  his wife stopped the nagging and simply  said  to  him,
@7      "How  would  you like it if you didn't see me for two  or  three
      days?"@5 To which he replied.@4"That would be fine with me."
@5
                  Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

      Tuesday  and  Wednesday came and went  with  the  same  results.
      Thursday,  the #8swelling@5 went down just enough where he could see
      her a little out of the corner of his left eye.