<> *4@5 JUST 020 @6 - THE MAGAZINE FOR TEENAGERS AND - - ADULTS WHO STILL LIKE TO THINK - - THEY'RE YOUNG (LIKE JIMMI SAVILLE) - *3]5@7 by Converse / A51 (...unfortunately) *1]1 @1 Welcome to the first issue of Just 020. This is a magazine totally separate from BTF. Well, actually come to think of it, it's not... think of it as a suppliment.... or pull out, short magazine or... ]5(get on with it-Ed.)]1 Oh alright then, it's a direct rip off of Just 17. *3@4 CONTENTS*1@1 ]3Features:]1 Section 1-- "I had sex with my hamster and now I'm suffering the consequences" - Story by Margaret Stevenson. Section 2-- My affair with postman pat - Story by Jesse. Section 3-- My baby is furry - Story by Margaret Stevenson. *3@4 NEWS*1@1 Section 4-- Boyzone stole our lirricks, by Spice Girl's Emma. Emma exclusively reveals to Just 020 that Boyzone's new single due out in June features lirricks from their smash hit "wannabe"... Vinnie from Spacecocks investigates. *3@4 YOUR PROBLEMS*1@1 Section 5-- Our resident agony aunt answers your important questions. Section 6-- Your problems... a boys view. @6--------------------------------------@1 ]3Feature (1):]5 "I had sex with my pet hamster" ... Margaret Stevenson.]1 It was April the 1st and I had just split up with my boyfriend. We had been arguing for 6 weeks. It all started after I turned 17. I wanted to start taking driving lessons, but I couldn't afford the £20 a week, so my boyfriend who had recently bought a Nova... 1.4.... SRi.... with lowered suspension... was under constant pressure from me to let me have a go at driving his car. After a week of being pestered he finally announced that he'd take me out. Off to a quiet road near the beach we went. "This is the clutch!" he said rather sternly, "Oh hang on! Or is it the brake?"... "It's ABC isn't it? Accelerator, Brake and Clutch." he eventually blurted out. "Now select first gear and bring your clutch up slowly" he explained. The car jerked forward and the inevitable happened... I pushed my boyfriend out of the car and drove off at high speed. I headed straight for the Abbey National, the Securicor van was due any minute. @2(Is this legal?-Ed.)@1 The bloke came out with his funny helmet on and a bag of swag in his hands. I swiftly ran the bloke over in my boyfriend's trusty Nova, got out of the car, grabbed the money and went. I had to run away in the end because the Nova had totally crumpled up and was unusable. I soon got back home and started thinking of my boyfriend, who was probably still waiting at the beach to see if I would return his car. Gee, I really miss him, I'm desperate for a sh*g... that's "shag" to you and me. Sitting quietly for a moment, I heard a strange scratching sound, followed by a continuous squeaking. It was Bubble, my pet hamster, he was great fun, but he was out early today for some strange reason. @2(Probably thought it was his lucky day!-Ed.)@1 Out came Bubble... "Hiya Bubble" I said. He seemed to understand because there was a strange sense of excitement in his little furry face. @2(I wonder why!-Ed.)@1 Enough was enough I thought to myself. I can't go on my own any longer. Here Bubble, get a load of this... *4@7 THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS BEEN CUT FROM JUST 020. SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE! @5[Hmmm... probably for the best! zYLAX!]@1 "Get in you little shit"... "Ahhh!" 6 WEEKS LATER: At the doctors! "So what is it doctor?"... "You seem to be carrying a rodent in your tummy" replied the doctor in a very excited voice. "What's it like to carry a rodent in your womb?" he asked. I explained to him that I couldn't sleep at night, and that I feel something running around inside me for hours on end, it seems to run in circles inside me every night from 11PM to 4AM. I was later told that I'd be giving birth to a baby hamster... And that's my story. @6--------------------------------------@1 ]3Feature (2):]5 My affair with Postman Pat by Jesse (the black & white cat).]1 We used to get up at 5AM in the morning. We'd pick up the letters from the depot and off we'd go delivering letters 'till 11AM in our little red van. Each day was just like the previous, letters letters letters. Until Friday 18th March 1996. Pat had a flat tyre, so we had to stop outside Mr Giles' farm to sort it out. Pat remembered that he'd left the jack at home and so we were stranded. It was freezing outside so we both sat inside and drank a cup of Cadbury's Hot Chocolate.... Cadbury's. The nations favourite. Erm, after a few cups we were getting pretty pissed, my tail felt numb and my head was spinning... like... Meeoow Maaa'n. Pat turned round and said... "Jesse, you're the only one for me... I like a bit of pussy at times like this". I was so pissed that I was into anything, so up went the tail.... and the rest..... well, you know... @6--------------------------------------@1 ]3Feature (3):]5 My baby IS furry by Margaret Stevenson.]1 I'm sure you're all aware of the news of my baby hamster. It was born just 4 months ago, at a healthy 3 ounces. I named him "Squeak". He's not too happy at the moment. He's having trouble settling in at nursery. He tells me that the kids call him flea ball and they say his balls haven't dropped yet just because he has a squeaky voice. I think this highlights the problems with education in this country. We have to get the message home.... Education... Education... Education. I think I'll have to take Squeak out of school soon, because he seems to be growing up much faster than all the other kids in the class. He's even grown hairs on his arms! Err, and his back, and his legs and his face. @2(Etc!-Ed.)@1 What can I do? I just don't know how to help him. My life has fallen apart and I don't think I can carry on. @6 *-----*@1 Check out Margaret's story next month when she tells Just 020 readers about the impact of Squeak's birth on her (ex) boyfriend. Also, Squeak gives his version of things and Margaret gets the bill for the car repairs on the Nova. *4@3 JUST 020 NEWS*1@1 ]5Section 4:- Boyzone allegedly "ripped off" Spice Girl's lirricks. Emma tells Just 020 about the shocking situation.]1 After the success of Wannabe, I decided to send out a copy of the lirricks to all fellow (but vastly inferior) bands so they could have a sing a long at parties. Among the bands sent lirricks was Boyzone. In return, Boyzone sent us a signed copy of their new single which will be released shortly. It was entitled "BannaWe". It went like this: *3@4 "So, WE'LL tell you what WE want what we possibly really really want, Soooo, tell US what WE want what we possibly maybe want, WE wanna, WE wanna, Zebra Zebra... Ahhh." *1@1 They appear to have altered some of our words slightly and I have to admit, it does make more sense now, but I get the feeling they've pinched some of our ideas. I'm not sure whether I can prove it, but we're sure gonna try. Thank you Emma for allowing us to interview you.... you tigerRRR GRrrr!! I'll be updating you on the situation as and when we have more details. @6 *----*@1 ]3 YOUR PROBLEMS answered! by our TOP (!) agony aunt (Anon.)]1 Dear Just 020, I'm writing to ask your advice about hair, or rather a lack of it. I own a PC and have found that since running Windoze '95 my hair has started falling out. I'm worried that people are going to start skitting at me, do you think they will? ]5A. Hill, North Wales]1 Dear Mr Hill, Cheer up, I can answer your question.... YOU BALDY BASTARD!! A haa haaaah! How would you like a job? The lads down the road need a football, you seem to be up to it... yer hairless cunt! As for whether you'll be skitted at, no I don't think you've got anything to worry about. Anyone seen my cricket ball?! Dear Just 020, My boyfriend has been pressuring me to have sex with him on a park bench. Do you think this is wise? ]5Jill Prescott, Liskeard]1 Dear Jill, I don't think it is wise at all really. I mean, why have sex with your boyfriend when you could go behind his back and shag his best mate or something. Trust me, it gives a greater sense of excitement to think that your boyfriend might come along and kick fuck out of someone. How about leaving a note for your boyfriend telling him where you are? That way you get a shag and entertainment straight after. Make sure you run for it as soon as the fight seems to be drawing to a close. @6 *+---+*@1 ]3 YOUR PROBLEMS! A boys view]1 Dear Just 020, I'm 15 and my boyfriend wants to... you know.... do it. I don't know whether to or not, I really love him and can't stand to lose him. What should I do? ]5Anonymous.]1 Dear Anon, I should point out that sex under 16 is illegal, but I have to admit it's fun at that age. Go ooon, give your boyfriend a treat. Show him you ]3REALLY]1 care. Send him a bunch of flowers or something. Dear Just 020, I'm writing in desperation, I've wrote to several other mags about having sex with my girlfriend and they've all told me to practise safe sex. This has me confused, because I do want to be safe, but I don't want to practise, I actually want to do it for real. Can you advise me about what exactly I'm supposed to practise with and how? Thanks, you're my only hope, I really don't know what to do, it's all making me feel suicidal. ]5Carl Hendreth, Blackpool]1 Dear Carl, Well, I'm sorry Carl, but we've run out of space. Better luck next time mate. @2(Why not write to Jim'll Fix It instead?-Ed.)@1 ]5Just 020 was brought to you by the people who bring you Just 020. They also produce Just 020 which you could purchase instead of Just 020. Just 020 is part of the children's workshop and is published in Worksop, until the workstops or we get some work in a shop... in Worksop of course.