<> *4@5 JIM'LL FIX IT (JIMMY SAVILLE IS BTF'S OFFICIAL GERIATRIC AND WRINKLY BASTARD!) *3]5@6 by Converse / A51 (BTF's resident piss taker and avid campaigner for all causes!) *1]1 @1 Well, hello there! Now then, now then... now then! This is my first ever page in Beyond the Frontier. @3(...And probably your last-Ed)@1 So I should probably tell you a little bit about my page. Well, it's big, sort of square shaped and there's loads of little words in it. There's also gonna be loads of kiddies letters asking me to do all favours for them, like organising bouncy castles for birthdays. etc. So without further a do, now then... now then... now then... I'll answer some of your letters and requests, please do remember kids that BTF is on a limited budget, so don't be too greedy! @2 -)-(-)-(-@1 ]5Dear Jim,]1 Hewwo Jimmi, please could you fix it for me to visit my sick auntie in Majorca. She's in the San 'Alvadoor Hotel (four star, of course!). Please could you arrange it for me to go there sometime late in July '97. Also, my Daddy recently divorced my Mum.. I mean err.. Mummy. He's since moved to the Alps and I would like you to fix it for me to visit him for two weeks in December... You wouldn't happen to have any ski's by any chance, would you? Finally, @3(Geez-Ed.)@1 my hearing is going, so I can't hear my Sony Hi-Fi very well. Please could you donate a Walkman to me so that I can once again hear the glorious sounds of Dusty Springfield. I mean... err... my Postman Pat learning tapes. Thanx Jim. ]3From Tony, Newcastle.]1 ]5Dear Tony,]1 You do seem to have had a rough time of late, haven't you! Due to budget restrictions I can only partly fulfil one of your requests. So please accept a silver "Jim'll Fix It" medal which plays the "Jim'll Fix It For You" tune repeatedly. If you hold it up to your ear I suspect you'll be able to hear it properly. Now then... now then... now then... @2 -)-(-)-(-@1 ]5Dear Jim,]1 I'm 19 and I think I'm gay. Please could you help me out as I'm in the army and they might find out and slap me in the face. ]3From Molgrat, Moreton.]1 ]5Dear Molgrat,]1 Hmm, you do seem to be in a ]3MESS]1 don't you. Well, the best I can offer is a "Jim'll Fix It" medal made of chocolate. Try putting it in the fridge for a while, then when you've been slapped, hold the chilled medal up to your face to take away the sting. Failing that, you could always eat it. They make a great snack! You could wash it down with wine too... ]3BOTTOMS UP]1, eh? Erm... Now then... now then... now then... @2 -)-(-)-(-@1 ]5Dear Jim,]1 I am 19 and have always wanted to sit on your knee. Can I play with your coffee making chair as well? ]3From Mike McDoogle, Somewhere In The Middle Of Nowhere In Scotland!]1 ]5Dear Mike,]1 Now then... Now then... Now then... It's funny you should mention that because my chair recently broke down. It's started serving arsenic with the coffee. The local repair shop reckons it's sabotage, but it was definately arsenic! @3(Doh!-Ed.)@1 However, as a small constellation @3(Argghh!-Ed.)@1 prize, I've sent you a silver medal with "I sat on Jimmy's knee!" engraved on it. I've also wrote on my knee "Mike McDoogle was here!". I think that's more than generous enough! Now then... Now then... Now then... @2 -)-(-)-(-@1 *4@4 JIMMY'S STATEMENT OF THE WEEK!*1@1 I'm taking over this magazine from now on. So I rename AREA 51 - Savilleware! ]5Thank you and see you next issue!