<> *4@4 HENRY WASSER'S SURREAL ADVENTURE NO. 1 *3]5@2 by Paul Nash *1 @1 Henry was scared. He was very scared. ]1 Not long ago Henry Wasser had been in complete bliss watching the X-Files pilot for the thirty-seventh time. He had bought two versions of the tape, one with collectors cards and the other with a glow-in-the-dark case. He told people he had bought them both as a "sound investment", but those that knew him knew this was not true. In fact Henry owned everything to do with the X-Files, he had all the videos, all the X-File T-shirts twice over (in case they got worn out), all the posters, all the stills, all the books, all the magazines and the tastefully embroidered baseball cap. Apart from Henry's addiction to the X-Files there was not much more that made him stand out from the crowd. He was, after all, a 27 year old manager of a very small, run down London building society. He had normal parents, who themselves had equally normal parents. So why him? @3 × X ×@1 As he sat watching the pilot in his own surreal X-Files oriented world Henry could not have been happier. This was one of his favourite episodes, though the theme music from the series proper was sorely missed. Well, it was not as if such a trivial thing mattered anymore. @3 × X ×@1 Soon afterwards the power was cut. Henry had got up to look out of his second floor flat window to see if the rest of London was in the same situation. But, before he could a harrowing noise began to burrow into his skull. A noise so terrible it sounded pretty much how you would expect the devil's spawn's birth to be like. Well, if the mother was a goat! Then it occured to him that he was holding an X-Files mug full of hot coffee at the time of the power cut. Where had the said mugs contents gone? Only a few seconds of thought were needed to come to the correct conclusion. The conclusion that he had spilt his mug of hot coffee onto the unsuspecting back of his now wimpering dog. He had then stumbled over to his pet in the pitch black, in a vain attempt to win her trust back. However, this was to no avail, and the dog, Chrissy, continued to piss in the now suprisingly saturated corner. It was at this time the humming started. It grew over the space of a couple of minutes from the murmur of a bumble bee in flight to something... to something, well, very loud. ]5"W...whats that?"]1 said Henry in the sort of way you do when impending doom is close to hand. But as quickly as the humming started it ended. Much to Henry's dismay the dreadful noise was soon replaced by an equally scary bright, bright light. Henry had to take it in turn which eye to open, just not to damage them. The total lack of sound made the atmosphere incredibly errie. He had wished he could join his pissing pet in its ever dampening corner, but he could not. This was not a matter of pride winning over cowardice. Oh no, it was more a matter of his limbs not functioning due to intense fear. In fact the only part of his anatomy he could move was his tongue, which he could not see himself making a hasty retreat with. Henry had, at this time, about ten seconds to spare, so he began to think. Something he should not have done. As when he did all he thought about was what ]3THEY]1 would do to him. Dissection, torture, even more torture, but still the list went on. The front door slowly, ever slowly began to open. There was no sound, even though the door always creaked. As the door had come to a halt Henry began to see a shadowy form in the almost blinding light of his doorway. Slowly the shape had come toward him, growing in definition as it did so. The shape was just under 5ft tall with a stocky, unhuman-like build. Henry wanted to scream. In fact he tried to scream, but when he opened his mouth nothing came out ...well except dribble! He had always wanted proof of alien existence, but not this way, he would have preferred to watch it on television. Why him? Why did ]3THEY]1 come to him? Was he special? Were ]3THEY]1 lost and looking for directions? @3 × X ×@1 Suddenly an adrenalin rush broke through his paralysis barrier. His natural reaction had been to throw something, anything at the alien shadow looming towards him. So he did. The nearest thing to him was a chair, so he hurled it with all his strength. He began to smile as the chair seemed to twirl in slow motion towards the intruder. Until he realised it ]3WAS]1 moving in slow motion. The chair slowed until it stopped about a meter from the alien, where is proceeded to move towards Henry at a staggering rate. Henry tried to move but sadly it was much too late. The chair hit Henry square in the happy sacs, finally wiping the ever more bemused smile off his face. This time Henry did scream. @3 × X ×@1 That's how Henry got where he is now. Wherever here was, Henry was not sure. It was some time before the aching pain would let him open his eyes. At first he thought he must be blind as all he could see was blackness, but after a time he began to see shadows. Without warning a blinding flash light quite literally blinded him. Henry blinked until he regained his sight, and then began to wish he was still blind. The first thing Henry saw was a shadow-like instrument which looked organic and had a red beam pulsating out of it. It took Henry a while to realise this beam was in fact a lazer directed right into his mouth. It was then he felt the pain. @3 × X ×@1 ]5"FUCCGGGKITSSH THE TOURTUREGG SCENEGG OUTSS OFFFF DUANEGGG BBARRYSHH"]1, gurgled Henry. (Or what he meant to say, ]5"Fuck, its the torture scene off Duane Barry!]1") ]5"PARDON,"]1 heard Henry in his mind, ]5"OH! SORRY I MUST BE HURTING YOU."]1 ]5"YOU FUCGKING WELLSH ARSSE"]1, mumbled Henry as the lazer stopped. (Or ]5"You fucking well are!"]1 and not the anti-welsh quip it seemed) ]5"YOU CAN SPEAK, CAN YOU NOT HUMAN?"]1 went the voice in Henry's head. Who by this time had been searching desperately for the source of the voice. ]5"I said..."]1 Henry spoke while trying desperately, due to the numbness of his mouth, not to dribble, ]5"yes, it does hurt!"]1 ]5"SORRY!"]1 echoed the words in Henry's head, ]5"I THOUGHT AS YOU WERE HERE I MIGHT AS WELL GIVE YOUR TEETH A GOOD GOING OVER. IT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH PLAQUE YOUR TEETH CAN PICK UP OVER TIME."]1 ]5"Thanks!"]1 Henry said somewhat bewildedly. Henry who had just began to think of the immenseness of the situation, tried to begin a Earth diplomatic relationship with ]3THEM]1 by saying in somewhat hurried terms, and while trying to keep his English perfect, ]5"I am Henry Wasser, this is Earth, I mean you no harm, and... and... are you just a voice in my head or what?"]1 ]5"AHH I SEE. I AM TALKING TO YOU TELEPATHICALLY, IT IS OUR WAY, IF YOU LOOK UP YOU WILL SEE ME AND OTHER LIKE ME WAVING FROM A WINDOW."]1 Henry thought there was something familiar about the voice but put it to one side and with his heart in his mouth looked upwards. He saw set in the expanse of the white walls a window, with a green tinge, four gray heads, with hands waving at him exaggeratively, like Japanese tourists. The alien voice in his head returned and said, ]5"YOU HAVE BEEN ]5DECONTAMINATED, IT IS NOW SAFE FOR US TO MEET YOU."]1 Henry wondered what ]3THEY]1 meant by decontaminated and looked down to see that he was stark naked and that his whole body had been shaved. Yes, I know what you're thinking, even his eyebrows! @3 × X ×@1 Up in the green tinged observation room the aliens tossed what could best be described as a coin to see who would have to tell the human the bad news. Meanwhile, Henry's mind was racing with all kinds of questions. By now he was sitting up on the black metal, almost organic looking, bench desperately trying to cover himself. Then a door open out of the seemless white wall and the four aliens began to walk towards him. They looked staggeringly like the Roswell alien, though they obviously were not made of polystrene. They even had the same gormless expression of the great fake one. @3 × X ×@1 ]5"Where is my dog?"]1 Henry said trying to be forceful, but sounding more like a wheeze. ]5"AH, I ASSUME YOU MEAN YOUR MATE, STRANGE NAME FOR YOUR PARTNER... DOG? WE TOOK HER TO THE NEXT ROOM FOR IMPREGNATION."]1 ]5"WHAT!"]1 shouted Henry, having a very bizarre and twisted picture in his mind, ]5"She is a dog not a human, she is my pet, I keep her for companionship."]1 ]5"YOU HUMANS ARE SICK! WE TEND TO KEEP ]5OUR SEXUAL PURSUITS TO OUR KIND, BUT TO OTHERS, HOW DEGRADING!"]1 ]5"IT'S JUST AS WELL WOULD YOU NOT SAY?"]1 said the alien to his three companions, who nodded and gave Henry a severly dirty look. ]5"No, no you do not understand,"]1 began Henry, ]5"...what do you mean 'just as well'?"]1 ]5"AH! LET ME HAND YOU OVER TO MY ASSOCIATE."]1 The alien on his left, the one who had lost the toss, stepped forward and began, ]5"MANY TURNS AGO, I BELIEVE YOU CALL THEM YEARS, OUR SYSTEM WAS INVOLVED IN MANY WARS, WARS BETWEEN OUR PLANET AND OTHERS."]1 ]5"You mean, there are others?"]1 ]5"YES, THE ISAMERCANS, THE SEECHIN AND THE SURANSI."]1 Henry was sure these names sounded like they had been made up by some terrible writer, with no skill whatsoever and with a bad case of writers block. They almost sounded like anagrams. The alien carried on, ]5"THESE WARS INVOLVED HUGE ATOMIC WEAPONS WHICH CAUSED MASS DESTRUCTION, SO AFTER THE WARS ENDED OUR GOVERNMENTS SIGNED A TREATY OUTLAWING THESE WEAPONS AND THEIR TESTING."]1 Henry got worried, but the alien continued, ]5"ANYWAY, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO AND OUR SCIENTISTS BELIEVE WE SHOULD DO SOME TESTS, ONLY TO CHECK THEY STILL WORK OF COURSE."]1 The alien gave Henry what could be best described as a nervous smile. ]5"SO AFTER MUCH SEARCHING WE CAME ACROSS YOUR PLANET..."]1 ]5"I like it, all that water and land too,"]1 Henry said desperately trying to get away from the inevitable. ]5"YES, QUITE,"]1 beamed the alien into Henry's head almost sheepishly. Well, as sheepishly as an alien who had never seen a sheep could have. ]5"SORRY ABOUT THIS, BUT WE ARE GOING TO TEST THE BOMBS IN THIS SYSTEM."]1 Henry looked shocked. ]5"BUT THERE IS NO GREAT DANGER,"]1 said the alien trying to calm Henry. ]5"Ummm... to whom is there no great danger,"]1 whimpered Henry. ]5"US. OUR SYSTEM IS OVER 300 MILLION LIGHT YEARS AWAY FROM EARTH. WE WILL NOT EVEN HEAR A RUMBLE!"]1 ]5"Oh! Good! Where does this leave Earth?"]1 said Henry. ]5"WELL, TO USE A WORD OF YOUR POPULAR CULTURE, 'FUCKED'"]1 said the alien like the future of billions of people was a trivial thing. ]5"NOW WE HAVE SORTED OUT THAT PROBLEM WE WILL TAKE YOU AND YOUR 'DOG' BACK TO YOUR HOME SO WE CAN GET ON WITH OUR WORK."]1 @3 × X ×@1 Henry was more than a little unhappy, so much so he decided to speak normally, as a pathetic show of force, ]5"Wait a minute, this isn't fair. You can't just kill billions of people! And why the fuckin' hell did you tell me?"]1 The aliens looked puzzled and looked at each other for a moment until the third said, ]5"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WE ONLY UNDERSTOOD PARTS OF IT. YOU WILL HAVE TO SPEAK PERFECTLY AS YOU DID BEFORE, FOR US TO UNDERSTAND YOU."]1 Then it hit Henry, the strange, but familiar accent, ]3THEM]1 not understanding him unless his speech was perfect, and more importantly their tendency to test Nuclear bombs willy nilly. These aliens had all the hallmarks of a sort of an intergalactic Parisian President group. @3 × X ×@1 He repeated it again, clearer this time, and with no shortening of words. The fourth alien beamed into Henry's very unhappy head, ]5"WELL, WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE IMPOLITE NOT TO TELL SOMEONE..."]1 @3 × X ×@1 The aliens waved to Henry and Chrissy as they beamed them back down into his flat. Henry did not know what to do back, so he just stuck his finger up and hurled abuse at them. Back in his flat Henry was gobsmacked. The world was going to end in a matter of hours, he was the only one who knew it was going to happen, but if he told anyone he would spend the last moments of Earth's existence bouncing off padded cell walls. So he did the only thing he could do, he made an evil looking coffee in his X-Files mug, and sat down in his favourite armchair waiting to be vapourised watching the X-Files pilot video still completely naked and shaven, while Chrissy kept out of coffee spilling distance.