THE SECRET DIARY OF DAVID PLEASANCE ----------------------------------- Authors Note : This diary is completely authentic, it was found by a friend of a friend of mine who passed the details to me to record for Miggybyte. Please note that all typos are therefore mine and not Davids because I'm sure he got an education. January 2nd 1996 ---------------- It's the start of a new year, new opportunities and a new business empire to build. After my resounding success with Commodore UK (1) and my venture into the hit parade with the musical classic "Everybodys Girlfriend" album (2) I can only be destined to outstrip even these magnificent achievements. Looking at the above two examples of my work I can only surmise that my best qualities are shown by the selling of products to an unsuspecting public. I am a born salesman, the evidence is plain to see. I could sell garlic to a frenchman ! Religion to the Arabs ! My course of action is clear..... I shall set up an ADVERTISING AGENCY. January 5th 1996 ---------------- I went and bought a mobile phone today, now I feel like a real executive ! All I have to do now is wait for the phone calls to flood in. January 15th 1996 ----------------- I have sent the mobile phone back to the shop where I bought it as it seems that no-one was able to contact me on it. It just sat there for ten days while I waited for people to phone. I could dial the cricket scores on it so the battery was OK, it just won't allow anyone to phone me. January 17th 1996 ----------------- The shop have returned my phone. They have the affront to say nothing is wrong with it. They even had the cheek to ask if I had given my number out to anyone. I'm going to advertise for all their competitors for free, that'll teach them. January 18th 1996 ----------------- In a flash of inspiration I realised that I had not told anyone my mobile phone number. If I want to get business to advertise I should advertise. It is flashes of genius of this calibre that will see my rise to fame and fortune once again. I decided to contact my good friends at CU Amiga Magazine again as I have done business with them in the past. I called their advertising office and a young female voice answered the phone. "Hello, CU Amiga trade enquiries," the voice said. "Hello, My name is David Pleasance and I'm calling you on my mobile phone." We must have had some interference at this stage because I heard a voice quietly say, "Not him again." Ignoring the crossed line I continued, "I would like to place an advert in your esteemed organ." "Oh yes," said the girl, "I remember the last advert you placed in our magazine devoted to the Amiga Computer, it was for a music CD wasn't it ?" "Yes, that's correct," I said, "and I would like to place another advertisement." "What would you like to advertise this time, a walrus polishing kit ?" "No, I would like to place an advert for my new business empire, an advertising agency." At this point the crossed line must have cut in again because there was alot of laughter on the line and someone said, "Oi, Johnny, it's that nutter again, I'll put him on the speaker." "I see Mr Pleasance and what is the name of this agency please," the girls voice came back when the interference had finished. I hadn't had time to think of a name for the agency but thinking on my feet has always been a strong point of mine, I needed a name that would give the impression of efficiency, professionalism, a sound business sense and a complete understanding of my tradecraft. "Mr Pleasance," the girl prompted. "It's called Pleasances Reputable Advertising Transactions," I said. There was silence at the other end of the phone for a moment and then the crossed line cut in again and the laughter was almost deafening. Suddenly a male voice came on the phone, "Mr Pleasance, my name is Jennings and I am head of this office, I can tell you we will place this advert for you for free of charge, and we will even do the wording and layout for you," there was a giggle from the crossed line, that sure did sound like an interesting conversation, "do you accept ?" I was taken aback at the offer, it goes to show how much a good reputation means in the world of business, "Y, y, yes," I stammered, "Thank you very much." "No, thank you Mr Pleasance, goodbye." Just before the connection broke the crossed line cut back in and I held on to hear what they were talking about, "I can't believe he called his company PRAT," someone said and then there was more deafening laughter. January 20th 1996 ----------------- It would be a couple of weeks before my ad would out in the world so I decided I had better ply my trade myself. I would draw up some advertising campaigns uncommissioned and take them to the companies involved to show willing and to get some business. While I was watching Crosswits with the wonderful Tom O Connor, an advert came on halfway through for the Kentucky Fried Chicken resteraunt chain. It featured a young lady leaning against a brightly coloured object which she described as a "family feast". The object she was leaning on was clearly a large bucket. This will not do at all, a bucket is for washing your car with or for being sick into. Not the kind of association you want to give for take away food at all. I decided I had better do something about this situation and I realised I had found my first client. The first thing to do was to think of a slogan for the new and improved Kentucky Fried Chicken. After much careful thought and rejection I found the perfect answer, "Nobody serves Warm, Dead Birds like we do." It was perfect, it told the consumer what the product was, who did it best and made no references to being sick in a bucket. I decided I would call them on my mobile phone tomorrow to make an appointment to see them. January 21st 1996 ----------------- I spoke to a very nice man called Mr Freidburg of the Kentucky Fried Chicken company today. I told him I had brand new marketing ideas and slogans which would put his company at the very top of it's profession. He asked me if I meant that then KFC, (as he called it), would then be top of the fast food retail chicken speciality market. I replied of course it would. After only three hours on the 'phone he agreed to see me first thing tomorrow. January 22nd 1996 ----------------- I arrived at the offices of KFC, as they are known, well prepared. I had my slogan drawn out on a piece of paper and had made several notes to myself on a post-it note pad. Mr Freidburg didn't arrive at his office until 11:30 and wouldn't see me until after 3p.m. but I didn't mind waiting. I presented Mr Freidburg with the new slogan that I had thought out and the additional idea that it would be nice to present each customer with a wishbone from a chicken that they could pull. (I remember my mother always used to let me pull the wishbone when I was a small boy, they were happy times then.) I also gave the idea that perhaps the chickens they use could be kept in a small pen in the resteraunts and the clientele could choose which chicken they wanted, like you do with lobster in those nice resteraunts I used to go to that Commodore UK used to pay for. I could tell Mr Freidburg was impressed, he called the idea for a new slogan "Unbelievable", and he was so overwhelmed with the other ideas that he was rendered speechless. I took advantage of his silence to sing the new song for KFC that I thought up. It goes to the tune of "The birdie song," and goes like this. With a little bit of this, And a little bit of that, We snap it's neck, With a little bit of this, And a little bit of that, We cut off it's beak, With a little bit of this, And a little bit of that, We put it in the pot, With a little bit of this, And a little bit of that, A warm dead bird you've got. Mr Friedburg was very excited at my proposals and song and he told me he would give them the most careful consideration. He was obviously going to deal with my ideas right away because he pushed me out of his office there and then. As I was walking out the door Mr Freidburg must have got a call from someone he didnīt like because I heard him shouting at his secretary, "I never want to speak to that lunatic again." January 23rd 1996 ----------------- I called back Mr Freidburgs office today on my mobile phone to receive some very disturbing news. It appeared that Mr Freidburg died in the night and it could be some years before they sort all the paperwork in his office out so could I call back in the year 2000. I said I hadn't got a year 2000 diary yet to note it in but rest assured that as soon as I did I would call them back. February 4th 1996 ----------------- While walking through Woolworths I noticed the new edition of CU Amiga. I purchased a copy to see if they had placed my advertisement for me. They certainly had and a very fine job they had done. There was a picture of me and the name Pleasances Reputable Advertising Transactions splashed across the quarter page advert. The text of the advert read, "To advertise something call this PRAT", with my mobile telephone number printed for all to see. I wondered what the word Prat meant and why it was on my advert but then I realised that in the same that Kentucky Fried Chicken called themselves KFC then my company would be called PRAT. How clever of those people at CU Amiga to realise that. February 12th 1996 ------------------ The most wonderful thing has happened. I have had a response to my advert. It was about 10 am when my mobile phone rang. I thought it was the wrong number about getting someone called Leroy a "half ounce of black" again so I nearly didn't answer it. I'm glad I did. It was a man called Mr Sugar who said he recognised me as a kindred spirit in the world of business and he needed my help with his company called Amstrad. I agreed to see him the very next day. February 13th 1996 ------------------ I met Mr Sugar for lunch and asked him what his problem was. He said that he owned a large company called Amstrad who sold electrical goods. He also said he owned a football club called Spurs which he was just about to liquidate and asset strip so I wasn't to worry about that. Mr Sugar, (He was very well dressed you know), said that the problem he had with Amstrad was that it was universally hated. It was hated so much that even the football team he owns wouldn't accept sponsorship from it. It appears that many young people today want systems from which they can listen to music from. I informed Mr Sugar that I was well aware of this due to my involvement with the "Everybodys Girlfriend" CD. Mr Sugars company makes these systems. I enquired what the problem was. Mr Sugar said that when the young people ask their parents for a music system they normally have a particular make and model in mind. i.e.. They like their stereo to be JVC or Pioneer. However, these systems are very expensive so the youths parents normally get them an Amstrad system. I enquired what the problem with that was. He told me that a) Amstrad was generally a crap make, and b) Owning an Amstrad stereo was liable to get you five years worth of dead legs on the playground and c) Being given an Amstrad system by those you love the most can make you seriously disillusioned with the world in general. What Mr Sugar needed, he said, was to make Amstrad acceptable among the young as well as those over 35. Even being a relative newcomer to the world of advertising and marketing even I know a lost cause when I see one. I bade Mr Sugar farewell and quickly left before the bill arrived. February 19th 1996 ------------------ My phone hasn't rung for the last six days. It is time for me to go out and actively drum up business again. Looking through the daily newspapers I see that British Gas is in the news for various reasons, it appears that public are not happy with them because of massive pay rises, golden handshakes and falling standards. What they need is a good slogan. After a few hours thought I had one. I dialed the number of British Gas Headquarters on my mobile phone. "Hello, British Gas, how may I help you ?" "Hello, my name is David Pleasance, I would like to speak to someone in your marketing department please." "Certainly sir, hold on." Oh joy, they use Black Lace songs for their hold music. "Marketing," "Hello, I have a new slogan that could make you number one in the public eye again." "Oh, really. Well we're always open to suggestions, unless it's how to improve our service, hahaha, just a little British Gas joke there, what is it ?" "Cook, Cook, Cookability, that's the beauty of Gas !" (3) Click ! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. The telephones reception must be bad in this area, I'll try to call them back tomorrow. February 26th 1996 ------------------ After phoning the British Gas offices every day for the last week I seem to get cut off as soon as I get through to the marketing department. I will contact the telephone company to complain. February 28th 1996 ------------------ I cannot believe it. It is unbelievable, it cannot be true. I have received a bill from the mobile telephone company for over three hundred pounds. I admit when I first got the phone I may have dialled the cricket scores to check the phones battery and then forgot it and left it on for several hours but this is ridiculous. I shall phone them to complain immediately. March 4th 1996 -------------- I have just had another call on my mobile phone. Two responses in two months, that's more than Everybodys Girlfriend sold copies. The Lady on the phone said she was Mrs Piebald from the British Astrology Society and she had a problem which she wished to discuss with me. As ever I arranged to meet her tomorrow. March 5th 1996 -------------- I met Mrs Piebald in a different resteraunt from the one I met that madman Mr Sugar in. I'm not superstitious but its not worth tempting fate. Mrs Piebald came in and sat down at my table. "Mr Pleasance," she said, "What do you know of Astrology ?" I immediately saw my opportunity to be witty and said, "Not alot, but I suppose you knew I was going to say that." Mrs Piebald started to frown and I thought she didn't understand the joke so I started to explain it but she stopped me with a wave of her hand. "Mr Pleasance," she started, "Astronomy is going through a crisis at this time. We need expert help to rectify this situation and to make people believe that Astrology does actually work. I can explain our problem best by telling you what Astrology is. The basic premise is that a small number of the infinite amount of gas based objects over 50 million miles away directly effect the working, personal and love lives of one species of carbon based animals on one planet in one solar system." She paused to draw breath, and looked furtively around the room, "And the best person to translate these divine influences is Mystic Meg." "I never thought of it like that." I said. "Exactly," thundered Mrs Piebald, "and no-one else must. If people actually thought about Astrology for any more than one minute at a time they would realise what I've just told you. This would be disastrous for us. I need you to make an ad campaign that will stop people thinking. In essence, I need you to make the perfect ad campaign." What a challenge. "I accept," I said, "I will be in contact soon. Although you probably knew that didn't you. Didn't you ?" Will David make the perfect campaign? Will he ever complete any campaign? Is anyone still reading this? Join us next time when David becomes the first man to ever say, "London Zoo, it's an open air barbecue waiting to happen." The Duty Man ------------ (1) Authors note, To our non UK friends and those with short memories David Pleasance was head of the super successful Commodore UK. He made a bid to take over the UK arm of the company when Commodore went bust. Needless to say he didn't quite make it. (2) Authors note, For those of you who didn't see it Pleasance was involved with a "project" called "Everybodys Girlfriend" which was a collection of, and I quote, "14 great tracks, Inspired by Amiga, Recorded with Amiga, Written and Produced by Amiga people, If you love Amiga you will love this!" Pleasance appeared in the ad stating he was "very proud" to be involved with this project. Some people said that this was a cynical attempt to bleed more money out the Amiga community with a product with a tenuous Amiga link to it. These people are, of course, cynics and shouldn't be listened to. (3) Authors Note, British Gas should be applauded for use of this slogan which was the only slogan to run in modern advertising for more than 100 years. The only ever longer running slogan was that invoked by the Roman Empire under various Emperors which read, "Give us your country and all your food or we'll kill you." END ---