========================================================================== EDITORIAL ========================================================================== Written by Martyn with the aid of a small serving spoon and a herring called george (whose bottom is sore due to it being spanked often). Right! Do up your flies, gather ye round and sit yourself down - you're going onto a journey into oblivion so I hope you've packed your sandwiches.. if it starts to swell.. just ignore it and soldier on.. yes! he's been on the happy juice.. yes! his Leeds season ticket has arrived.. yes! his Amiga still works even if the backed-up clock has given up the ghost yes! the ozone has got an hole in but at least my underwear hasn't and yes! I am talking a load of rubbish as usual.. It's that time of the month again (uhhh!) for me to crawl out of my sewer and inflict ascii wounds upon you once again.. I think there's plenty of Amiga chat elsewhere in this mag, as one reader once said "your mag is crap".. err hang on, wrong reader.. ahh, as one reader definatly did say "if it said Amiga every line it'd be boring" - well I agree and just to prove it.. Isn't the Amiga lovely and nice, oh I like the Amiga. Amiga is great. do you know I like the amiga, hasn't the amiga got a big power pack..oooohh ... hands up all those who got a bit giddy then ? Thought not. I'll stop. I'm aware that this issue will probably be the first issue of Newsflash that some users may have seen, particularly in the UK where awareness of its existance is finally sinking in, if this is the case with yourself then all I can say is welcome aboard, enjoy the trip and I hope you enjoy what you find, our ways are a little different, certainly not what you're used to or expect - but we find it works. I've had alsorts of threats and things thrown at me this month, like keep writing such utter garbage etc and do this.. do that.. well I'll try my best and see what we come up with. In the past my editorials have come up for a certain amount of criticism especially for the lack of Amiga material I tend to mention. Well firstly we all know the Amiga is the best thing going and there's plenty of Amiga information on this disk... in effect all I'm saying is that if you don't particularly find this editorial interesting, just skip it and read the other stuff.. after all it only represents an insignificant proportion of the Newsflash issue. On the other hand, some of the response I've had is write MORE.. it all goes to prove that everyone is different and to quote an old cliche.. "it would be boring if we are all the same"... so true.. we'ld all like sniffing bicycle seats, wet underwear competitions, bacon sandwiches and all have those furry dice and nodding dogs in our 4-door saloons.. booorrriingg. Newsflash is and always will be compiled, edited and produced by Amiga enthusiasts.. that's your guarantee of quality, you know that every month like-minded (well, nearly) people are trying to put something together to amuse, delight, entertain and disgust you.. we won't go putting nasty viruses on the second disk or even strange programs that do nothing but really destory a disk.. nope we'll leave all that for ST enthusiasts, they seem to be perfecting it. I'm sure if we put any virii on the disks our readers really would go on the rampage... just a dig at another publication there... We have no guidelines, no do's and no don'ts we decide what we want to do and set about doing just that. We tend to break an awful lot of journalistic ethics and rules but sod it, I think we're certainly more 'in touch' with users than any paper-based magazines. After all we are users ourselves. "I'm not".. there's ALWAYS one... Anyway thats quite a few paragraphs of serious clap-trap out of the way and now it's time to get real and write some rubbish. I'm in my ideal writing environment at the moment, there's a hifi blasting out some music and a few cans of Colt45 standing close-by and I'm in the real mood to write.. so what's the hold up... here we go.. Niall McGowan from Ireland wrote (see letters) and he asked for a "What's Hot and What's Not section" well, I have had a little think about this, I've produced a list for Amiga-users and anyone in general.. WHAT'S HOT WHAT'S NOT -------------------------------- -------------------------------- Kick Off 2 Peter Beardsleys Soccer A cooker A fridge Working battery-op Clocks Not working Battery-op clocks My Modem (but don't tell anyone) My watch - yes that's legitimate Supertramp's latest album Supertramps latest Album (?) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Joseph the limp terrapin Colt 45 Export Lagerbeer A glass of milk Leeds Utd 1990-91 Season Ticket Leeds Utd 1989-90 Season Ticket Operating your own BBS Logging onto someone else's Green Mouse-Mats Mouse-houses Total Recall Any other film Really windy and wet weather 97 degrees of sun.. (sniff..) Forming a UN Peace Force Invading Kuwait Saying "Yibber" Saying "Wibble" -------------------------------- --------------------------------- Niall also ranted on about us including advertisements.. well the story is that we have to (or more importantly Ron has to) include them and play the Newsflash game or lose money - that means in a very short time we won't be playing the Newsflash game at all... and that's sad. Anyway to appease old Niall I've included some imaginative adverts to attract even the most senile gullible readers out there... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! Barbed wire underwear for those occasions when you need to be kept alert.. also restrains you from excessive scratching and itching your bits too often. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! Bottled trouser-coughs, imported from some old bint with a bowel problem in south London. Guaranteed to clear your nose in 30microseconds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! Shine-eeee boots, 100% fur-lined beauties, completely trendy - look great in night clubs when worn with shorts and designer t-shirts. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! Ninja-Turtle repellent Mallet. For those times when you've had enough Turtle-talk from some weirdo with a dustbin-lid on his back.. this mallet inflicts a severe pain and ironically get's rid of a pain at the same time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! Goddfrey Knackerbags sore-bollie cream.. reduce your throbbing parts into a haven for peace and contentment - with one swift rub of this soothing sickly-green cream your bo-dangly parts will certainly gleam. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! Stylish body-bag completely fur-lined and non-drip, we are expecting these to sell well later in the year. Look real good on an Iraqi. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! Invade-a-colony-kit comprising silly hat, ugly face mask, big boots with red-laces, old army jacket, false moustache and chemistry set. As used by Saddam Hussein to great effect last month. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! The ultimate in joysticks.. The Dickstick (tm).. this superb hardware interface links up with your own anatomy (anatomyware [tm]) to provide the ultimate in comfort and control, beautiful response and comes in all shapes and sizes to fit most users. Full 16 way movement and two squeeze- to-fire buttons.. latest design.. coming soon - suction grips for table- top usage. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- If anyone would like any of these super once-in-a-lifetime offers then I'm sorry we've sold out... unless there's sufficient demand of course. Now for a bit of predtictory stuff.. Uncle McSpadge's predictions for the next year in general... The world motoring grand-prix will be won by a guy in a helmet, most probably by driving a car around a circuit. There will be a month called July, probably sometime in between June and August. Ice-cream vendors will suffer a slump in the winter although they are expected to pick up again in the summertime. I have also reason to believe that Hawaii will still remain in the Pacific ocean despite rumours to the contrary. Scientists will discover an atmosphere-hole in the smog-layer. Right, that lot was utterly daft and not-called for, time to restore a little bit of pride and normality to this editorial which was getting a little out of hand.. I'm currently enjoying sysop-ing around on my little BBS, The Spadge Factory.. there's a mock-up of a visit and comms guides somewhere else on this issue, make sure you take a peek. I'm not using the best software about but on the other hand it basically does what I need and I'm not bothered for anything better at the moment. I must say that in my opinion, good software doesn't necessarily guarantee a good bbs.. I could use the best bbs software on earth but still be a terrible sysop and have a lousy BBS.. well I'm just going for the combined worst-software and worst-sysop award... hehe. The BBs is mainly for messages and contact between our readers and contributors.. it means our readers get direct contact with all concerned - who else offers you this? You'll find us a friendly if a little disgusting bunch and woe to anyone engaging in Sysop chat with me, cos I can REALLY banter on for ages... Should anyone want to pop by and say hello... the number is UK: 0924 265593, Out of UK: +44 924 265 593. The BBS is currently operating at 300-1200 so ALL users can log-on, it's a bit unfortunate that too many UK comms users have 300bd modems - I have a 2400bd modem so if anyone want's to upload or do lots of downloading just leave me a message and I'll arrange to set the other modem up (just means a couple of button-switches)... UNLESS... anyone can build me a device that can check what speed the modem is going at and route the signal to the appropriate modem... hehe all this because my 2400modem won't speak to 300bd - even though it should do... never mind! Things have been remarkably quiet software-wise although there's no shortage of news about forthcoming product due to the run-up for christmas releases (see software news!) next time we'll have lots of news for you from the Eces show.. Rumours of possible problems with the 3000 have been circulating, I get conflicting reports that (a) it's brilliant and (b) it's got bugs .. most of the grumbles are supposed to be pointing to an unfinished O/S 2.0 - as I haven't had the chance to have a mess with one myself I cannot say... still bugs or not, I'd still like a 3000 for nothing! I'm even prepared to swap the lurid party-photos taken at Marias place earlier in the year for a 3000 - anytakers? By the time lots of people will have read this, or reading it the fuss will be over.. the ECES show, hyped up like nothing else on Newsflash.. yes it'll probably turn out to be a bit poor... I found out today that I can't be there Saturday and hence the Sunday so it's Trade-only days for me, which is a shame but then again maybe not as you just cannot move on Public days... anyway that's when BIG FUN are supposed to be there.. what a real shame that I'll miss them, I don't think. Right, it's time for me to disappear and let you have a wander around the magazine, I hope you enjoy! Any comments you may have about this issuse, any contents or whatever are always welcome... Martyn. Uk Editor.