Here we go with 17Bits review of the past month! ------------------------------------------------ A new feature thats definatly silly and covers the major events in the Amiga/17Bit world over the last month! JOKE OF THE MONTH! ------------------ New section, new jokes, send em in.. Q. Why arent there any circumsised St owners anywhere?? A. Because you have to be a complete pr**k to own one... hehehe Again we apologise for a low and cutting remark on St machines which isnt necessary because its sympathy they need, and not sarcasm.. By the way if you ARE a circumsised St owner and wish to lodge a complaint then don`t bother because we thought it was a good joke and wish it to remain so without some namby-pamby know-it-all with a docked appendage rabbiting on about it not being true.. nuff said. MAGAZINE OF THE MONTH! ---------------------- Amiga Format - by a long way.. Not just because we are friendly with the guys and they are a real good laugh and we get lots of mentions. But its a great mag and they hate ST`s. By the way AF guys - innit great when you bump into guys like us who knows what you`re all like really so you can just go off on a tangent swearing like a trooper.. and apologise to the guy on your stand who is something to do with the ST.. we asked if he was Amiga he said no so we told him where to go and sharpish like.. whoops! TV PROGRAM OF THE MONTH! ------------------------ What can it be I wonder.. it has to be doesnt it! With a bing and a bong and a buzz buzz buzz its BLACK ADDER GOES FORTH.. a superb comedy series if ever there was one.. Pity its the last so DO NOT miss any of it and savour it. All the characters are brilliant and this one is really worth taping. Laugh? i nearly had a puncture. Great stuff.. BBC1 9.25pm Thursdays. MARTYNS MEGA ALBUM OF THE MONTH! -------------------------------- My editorial my choice.. no arguments or I`ll scream and scrape the wallpaper off again.. Its RADIO KAOS by Roger Waters.. superb album if you can understand what he`s on about.. if you can`t its still ace.. I love it.. Roger Waters first solo album since leaving the Floyd (boo hoo). EVENT OF THE MONTH! ------------------- This HAD to be the PC show (what else?) and the three days me and Dave spent getting hopelessly drunk aided and abetted by Beanbag himself Rico Holmes and Allister `Shoe` Brimble. Read the PC report elsewhere. AMIGA GAME OF THE MONTH! ------------------------ Sorry but its still Kick Off, i havent found a program to better it yet. Player manager is due soon though, see Software news for more info. GIT OF THE MONTH! ----------------- This months GIT award flies to that git we saw at the PCW show, never gives us a chance with anything HE knows who he is and we send our smelliest wobbly parts to him. PS I hope your software company falls sideways and dies.. Now thats not nice is it? Well he is a git! Ok.. thats alright then! BUN OF THE MONTH! (Supplied by Mr Bun) ----------------- Vannila Slice (Proper dear one with cut off neat edges) DEMO OF THE MONTH! ------------------ Currently its still that amazing, mega Red Sector Megademo.. check out those brilliant vector balls.. (Discs 503/504) AMIGA MUSIC OF THE MONTH! ------------------------- Theres a few contenders for this time and I can`t make my mind up, so its one of the following.. Walkmans FINNISH PEKKI (uncirculated music, very nice watch for it) Ostermans DRAGNET: The Story is True (From Joe Slideshow II - Disc 502) Mark Wilsons CHUNG KUO (hopefully you`re listening to it now) Mark Wilsons DARK NIGHT (cool music) Bjorn Lynnes GONE FOR GOOD (thats Dr Awesome to you) Bjorn Lynnes BILLY BEE (more Dr Awesome music to be used in a game) Because of the different styles I can`t decide which is best so I guess they are all the best this month! NAME DROPPERS OF THE MONTH! --------------------------- Us. For mentioning the Bitmap Brothers whenever possible as in "Fish and Chips twice please oh and do you know we met the Bitmap Brothers?" BEST MATES OF 17BIT OF THE MONTH! --------------------------------- The Bitmap Brothers.. see we`re at it again (see above) SILLIEST SONG SUNG AT A LEEDS UTD SOCCER MATCH THIS MONTH! ---------------------------------------------------------- When a section of the lowfield road terracing started singing "Fillet-o-fish, Fillet-o-fish.. Give me Fish to Fillet" from the Steve Wright radio show on BBC1. MEAL OF THE MONTH! ------------------ Definatly the chinese me and Allister had at the restaurant in Piccadily circus, London earlier this month. After too many visits to Wimpy and the like it was a pleasure to scoff some real nice grub, enjoy it I did.. WORST MEAL OF THE MONTH! ------------------------ The el-cheapo tub of rice and organic juices Dave and Rico bought from a seedy place in Soho for a pound. It looked disgusting and Dave and Rico didnt feel too well after they ate it.. yuk. MOST AMAZING THING TO HAPPEN THIS MONTH! ---------------------------------------- Dave actually finished a game, Xenon 2. Cor blimey guvnor whip my buttocks with a large radish.. (not really, only kidding.. honest.. really..) WORST NEW MAGAZINE OF THE MONTH! -------------------------------- As at least 11 new Amiga magazines seem to appear each month the worst one this month is ZERO which attempts to make jokes out of Douglas Bader the war chappy who lost his legs - that aint funny guys.. don`t blame us when you get shot down in flames. Also why use bad language in order to get laughs? We don`t do it (much) and in a mag like that its a bit silly.. We can get away with it but don`t bother so much. CONTRIBUTOR OF THE MONTH! ------------------------- Theres a few this month, best hellos and choccy biscuits go to: Mark Wilson for the Chung Kuo music which SHOULD! be on here.. Andy Philpotts for his C tutorial number 2 Daz Clarke for the chatterbox spot Bitmaps for the interview (whoops did it again). GOAL OF THE MONTH! ------------------ Mel Sterlands 28yd amazing curling shot into the top corner at the Leeds Utd v Swindon game earlier this month. Result 4-0 Gordon Strachan also scored a hat-trick. MOST ANNOYING TREND OF THE MONTH! --------------------------------- Everybody going green about everything.. ok I agree but now its fashionable. I would like to say this disc is not environment friendly and contains lots of CFCs so you had better stamp on this disc right away before a hole appears in the atmosphere in your garden. CRISPS OF THE MONTH! -------------------- KPs Beef Discos as they contain less fat (and thats good as Im on a diet) also they are in a shiny red attractive bag. And I`m a sucker for an attractive bag. SICK JOKES WITH UNPRINTABLE ANSWERS OF THE MONTH! ------------------------------------------------- Q. Whats 18inch long, pink, stiff and makes women cry? A. >Too sick to print Q. What doe Yuppies drink? A. >Too sick to print Q. Whats got four legs and one arm? A. >Too sick to print EGO OF THE MONTH! ----------------- Coupled with `Sweaty Git of the month` this award goes to Dave for constantly wearing his Xenon 2 t-shirt since completing the game. SPECIAL AWARD FOR THE MOST PATHETIC SOUND EFFECT EVER USED IN A GAME! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes we know Mercenary`s PING is hardly dramatic but this time its the ST version of ALTERED BEAST that wins hands down.. all mythical beasts and stuff and when it shoots it sounds like a trim-phone.. nip down to your local software store for chortles all round, the amazingly poor sound effect is on level two when you change into a green beast. POSTER OF THE MONTH! -------------------- Shadow of the beast poster - Psygnosis/Roger Dean. INANE COMMENT OF THE MONTH! --------------------------- For once its not Paul, its Dean with this veritable classic.. "Havent you heard of Elvira? Shes World-famous in America" ROMANCE OF THE MONTH! --------------------- Its Carl and his intended still crooning about each other, still sending each other roses and the like.. puke! ROMANCE OF THE MONTH THAT NEVER WAS BUT SHOULD HAVE BEEN! --------------------------------------------------------- Me and Angela from Virgin/Mastertronic. CUSTOMER OF THE MONTH! ---------------------- Voted by Paul who answers the phone, Hong Kongs Tim Lloyd takes the honours and sod all else. He`s a Middlesboro fan so I like him too, Leeds beat them 2-1 earlier this year.. hahaha Tim! (Thanks for all the faxes by the way). SHOES OF THE MONTH! ------------------- Allister Brimble walks off with this special award devised by Dave "I finished Xenon2 by the way" Clegg. I`ve just been told that this award should be retitled SHOES OF THE DECADE. No offence Allister but blame Dave. WORST EXCUSE TO WRITE A PILE OF DRIVEL OF THE MONTH! ---------------------------------------------------- This of course. SILLIEST THING TO DO AT THE PCW SHOW! ------------------------------------- a) Have your face painted by Angela. b) Now that wasnt the silly part she was lovely. c) Get the words YORKSHIRE painted across your forehead. d) Now that WAS silly. e) So was getting photographed on numerous occaisions with a bag on your head. BEST WAY TO LOSE STREET-CRED OF THE MONTH! ------------------------------------------ Be seen on the Atari stand at the PCW show. Get spotted by 17Bit members at the show when your drunk, and your face has been painted. Also attending the Computer shopper show. SILLIEST LICENSE FOR A GAME - OF THE MONTH! ------------------------------------------- Vinny Jones Soccer game, coming out by Alternative Software. Are these guys serious or what?? DISASTER OF THE MONTH! ---------------------- My office 1084s monitor exploding, now I have to screw my eyeballs typing on this tv, modulators are no good. WORST AMIGA DISPLAY OF THE MONTH! --------------------------------- My tv Im using at the moment. BEST UNDISCOVERED USE OF AN ST THIS MONTH! ------------------------------------------ A real computer detector. Set light to the ST - if it doesnt burn, its a really good computer. BEST STARABLE QUOTES FROM A JOURNALIST THIS MONTH! ------------------------------------------------- "God she IS ugly, but it doesnt matter if you are ******* her from behind" - Paul Rand, Now of C&VG, Ex ZZap! "The ST is a pile of ******* ****" - Gary Whitta, The One. "I am into dead flesh" - Paul Rand, Now of C&VG, Ex ZZap! "Hello guys I have been avoidin.. sorry looking for you all day!" - Jason Holborn, Amiga Format at the recent PCW show. JOURNALIST OF THE MONTH! ------------------------ Paul Rand for staying in the pub most of the time, swearing and carrying on and chasing the women, just like all other journalists do. PERVO OF THE MONTH! ------------------- The ghastly suited business man we bumped into on the Underground in London, who went over to a rubbish bin and rummaged about and appeared with a copy of BELLA the womens magazine. Yuk! Me and Dave ran-off. SLACKEST MEMBER OF STAFF OF THE MONTH! -------------------------------------- Yet again for the 39th month on the trot Steve wins this award.. he really is a pillock.. WHITE-FACED-JOURNALIST AWARD OF THE MONTH! ------------------------------------------ Some poor guy at the future stand who when asked if he was part of Amiga Format, he said no, ST Format and was promptly told where to go.. SOFTWARE LABEL OF THE MONTH! ---------------------------- "Platinum soft.. Taking games beyond infinity then bringing them back and sending them right back out to oblivion, just past Milton Keynes" - Steves very own software label. Watch for the first title soon, Bun Wars. 17BIT DINNERS OF THE MONTH! --------------------------- No doubts here, its gotta be the Steak pie, mushy peas, chips and gravy as served by the Jester sandwich bar in Wakefield. Great value for just 1.50 including plastic fork and a can of pop. FAX OF THE MONTH! ----------------- Not the Bitmap brothers* fax as wildly predicted but Tim Loyds maps of Hong Kong showing where all our Amigas start their life and go through puberty. Also the crematorium where they cooked the staff who thought up the stupid Amiga dos. * sorry that one sneaked in. SEXY CHICK OF THE MONTH AWARD! ------------------------------ The blonde who keeps walking past the office, stopping us all from working. OI! shes here... STAMPEDE ensues.. Cor.. you luvvit! MISS 17BIT - NEWSFLASH ISSUE 5! ------------------------------- Bunty, the laser printer. Debbie the office lass beat an assembled cluster of various implements and a radiator into second place. SILLIEST COMPETITION OF THE MONTH! ---------------------------------- Our name-the-equipment competition. We have named our Fax machine TAM, as in Tam Fax, we now need names for the following bits.. The Photocopier The Duplicator The Hard Drives (4 of them, quads, so it will have to be something to do with brothers etc - like Bitmap brothers who we have met actually*) *Yes a sneaky one there. 17BIT MOAN OF THE MONTH! ------------------------ This time it is to YOU our prestigious readers and members.. PLEASE write in with your own silly comments, idiotic things we need feedback! We are nothing without you so please furnish us with material!! Look, we won`t bite and non of us have ego problems (apart from Dave who has finished Xenon 2) and are almost human. Although I arent too sure about Paul, those who have rung in and spoke to Paul will know what I mean! NOTE: WRITE IN YOU GITS! Thats about as subtle as we can make it. SLIMMER OF THE MONTH! --------------------- Me of course! The others arent helping by feeding their faces with food all day... I`ll be slimmer than a very slim thing before long... WORST PHONE CALL WE HAVE RECIEVED THIS MONTH! --------------------------------------------- "I have been trying to phone you for 30 minutes and couldnt get through, its now 5.30 and you have all buggered off, now thats what i call service" - Now thats what I call a sarcastic call, left on our answer machine for us.. We do have to go home at some point! We already work full-time 6 days a week to try and provide the service you expect, we cannot be held responsible if the phone is busy all day (which it usually is). 17BIT SPANNER AWARD FOR ABSOLUTE TOSH & GIBBERISH ------------------------------------------------- Paul, reflecting upon his musical taste "Oh I don`t look at the artists names at all, I am not an entrapeneur." Altogether... You Wot! You Wot! You Wot! COWBOY/WESTERN THEME TUNE OF THE MONTH -------------------------------------- Raw Hide.. as said in a loud and steady voice rather quickly.. Husky voices preferential. Champion The Wonder horse came second by a nose. Right, thats about enough methinks.. if this section is in any way popular we`ll do it again.. if we get death threats and the like then we won`t..