My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.$ --Christopher Morley (1890-1957)
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.$ --Paul Vallery (1871-1945)
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.$ --Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious$project.$ --Graffito
Why attack God?  He may be as miserable as we are.$ --Erik Satie (1866-1925)
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.$ --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.$ --Napoleon (1769-1821)
What if there had been room at the inn?$ --Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not$committing them?$ --Jules Feiffer
Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years.  Now when Communion is$served there is also a salad bar.$ --Bill Marr
Faith is believeing what you know ain't so.$ --"A schoolboy" quoted by Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Faith is under the left nipple.$ --Martin Luther (1483-1546)
Because I'm Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ.  What can I$say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out of hand.$I killed him because he wouldn't become a doctor.$ --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)
Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,$shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"$ --Johnny Carson
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.$ --Arabian proverb
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own$hand.$ --Fred Allen (1894-1956)
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.$ --Lucille S. Harper
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without$your help.$ --Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to be$in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's$beloved.$ --Russel Baker
If only it was so easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to$masturbate.$ --Diogenes the Cynic (412? to 323 B.C.)
Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.$ --Dr. George M. Calhoun in 1855
Many mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of$secret vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and$without quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the$feebleness, paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire$community?$ --Dr. J. H. Kellogg (1852-1943)
Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!$ --James Joyce (1882-1941)
Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.$ --Karl Marx (1818-1883)
I was the best I ever had.$ --Woody Allen
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.$ --Truman Capote
My brain is my second favorite organ.$ --Woody Allen
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin--it's the triumphant twang$of a bedspring.$ --S. J. Perelman (1904-1979)
Love is what you've been through with somebody.$ --James Thurber (1894-1961)
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.$ --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Love is being stupid together.$ --Paul Valery (1871-1945)
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.$ --Dr. Karl Bowman (1888-1973)
Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.$ --M. Hirschfield
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.$ --Polish proverb
If I love you, what business is it of yours?$ --Johann von Goethe (1749-1832)
A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.$ --Japanese proverb
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.$ --Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that$one of them be good at taking orders.$ --Linda Festa
In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the other really$likes.$ --Elizabeth Ashley
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.$ --Walt Disney (1901-1966)
I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.$ --Tom McGuane
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was "Are you sure$you're not a cop?"$ --Larry Brown
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.$ --Evan Davis
Sex is dirty only when it's done right.$ --Woody Allen
For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and$cook.$ --Quentin Crisp
Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight?  Is it something I said?$ --Tom Ryan
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.$ --Mae West (1892-1980)
I've been in more laps than a napkin.$ --Mae West (1892-1980)
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.$ --Mae West (1892-1980)
He who hesitates is a damned fool.$ --Mae West (1892-1980)
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.$ --Chico Marx (1891-1961)
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.$ --From The Last Goon Show of All
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.$ --Woody Allen
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?$ --Elayne Boosler
I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let use take$our fill of love until the morning.$ --Proverbs 7: 17-18
All the men on my staff can type.$ --Bella Abzug
A is for Apple.$ --Hester Prynne
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.$ --Charles Pierce
If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.$ --Malcolm Bradbury
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.$ --Joan Rivers
Ouch!  That felt good!$ --Karen Elizabeth Gordon
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places$they do today.$ --Will Rogers (1879-1935)
The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into the$bedroom.$ --Richard Lewis
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or$twenty mistakes she's a tramp.$ --Joan Rivers
What do you give a man who had everything?  Penicillin.$ --Jerry Lester
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.$ --Maureen Murphy
Chaste makes waste.$ --Unknown
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.$ --George S. Kaufman (1889-1961)
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.$ --Joan Rivers
It's easy to make a friend.  What's hard is to make a stranger.$ --Unknown
The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.$ --Don Rose
He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom.$ --Unknown
I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.$ --Martin Cruz Smith
If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate$books.$ --Alan King
'Tis more blessed to receive; for example, wedding presents.$ --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry$later; for another thing they die earlier.$ --H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.$ --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer$exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in$the brewry.$ --George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there$for the rest of your life.$ --Jim Samuels
A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.$ --Zsa Zsa Gabor
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.$ --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the$inattention of one.$ --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
One man's folly is another man's wife.$ --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf$man to a blind woman.$ --Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing--and$then marry him.$ --Cher
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your$own name.$ --Advice to Joan Rivers from her mother
Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.$ --Charles McCabe (1915-1983)
Bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be$happier than others.$ --Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying until I$get it right.$ --Richard Pryor
I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now.$ --Unknown
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.$ --Jackie Mason
A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After that$it's cheating.$ --Yves Montand
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.$ --Peter De Vries
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.$ --Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no longer$interested in sex, take out an ad in the Wall Street Journal.$ --Abigal Van Buren
Divorce is a game played by lawyers.$ --Cary Grant
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.$ --Tommy Manville (1894-1967)
I can't mate in captivity.$ --Gloria Steinem on why she has never married.
It wasn't exactly a divorce--I was traded.$ --Tim Conway
You don't know anything about a woman until you meet her in court.$ --Norman Mailer
I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life, like$pigeons and Catholics.$ --Woody Allen
Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out, you lose$interest.$ --Professor Irwin Corey
I hate babies.  They're so human.$ --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the$dog to play with it.$ --Unknown
My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.$ --Rodney Dangerfield
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as$children.$ --Kingsley Amis
I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.$ --Billy Braver
Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.  It$begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.$ --Unknown
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.$ --George Herbert (1593-1633)
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.$ --Spanish proverb
Happy is the child whose father died rich.$ --Proverb
Reinhart was never his mother's favorite--and he was an only child.$ --Thomas Berger
Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated$until they acquire some sense.$ --William Lyon Phelps
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by$our children.$ --Clarence Darrow (1857-1938)
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children.$Life is the other way around.$ --David Lodge
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.$ --Bette Davis
How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children$ --Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes (1983)
Never raise your hand to your children--it leaves your midsection$unprotected.$ --Robert Orben
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.$ --Herbert Hoover (1874-1964)
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older$people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.$ --Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946)
One of the advantages of having children is that they eventually get old$enough to give you presents they make at school.$ --Robert Byrne
Never have children, only grandchildren.$ --Gore Vidal
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for$signs of improvement.$ --Florida Scott-Maxwell
Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.$ --George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.$ --Martin Mull
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.$ --Derek Bok
I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.$ --Gore Vidal
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.$ --Irwin Edman (1896-1954)
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre.$ --Gail Godwin
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.$ --Henry Kissinger
Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach$children.$ --W. H. Auden (1907-1973)
I think the world is run by C students.$ --Al McGuire
Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my$teacher was in my class for five years.$ --George Burns
You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.$ --H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked$into the soul of the boy next to me.$ --Woody Allen
Beware of the man who does not drink.$ --Proverb
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.$ --Mark Twain (1835-1910)
A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.$ --Unknown
Come quickly, I am tasting stars!$ --Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his discovery of champagne
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk$they are sober.$ --William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)
An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang$onto.$ --Unknown
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.$ --George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
To drink is a Christian diversion, unknown to the Turk or the Persian.$ --William Congreve (1670-1729)
To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura$bitters.  Shake.$ --Recipe for turkey cocktail from F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.$ --Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.$ --Phil Harris
My uncle was the town drunk--and we lived in Chicago.$ --George Gobel
I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.$ --George Gobel
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.$ --W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.$ --Richard Burton
I always wake up at the crack of ice.$ --Joe E. Lewis (1902-1971)
The graveyards are full of indispensible men.$ --Charles de Gaulee (1890-1970)
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.$ --Eugene Ionesco
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.$ --Bill Musselman
The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.$ --Anne Boleyn (1507?-1536)
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.$ --Unknown
I believe in sex and death--two experiences that come once in a lifetime.$ --Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening$with an insurance salesman?$ --Woody Allen
Go away.  I'm all right.$ --Last words of H. G. Wells (1885-1946)
You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.$ --Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.$ --Arthur Miller
One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.$ --Larry Gelbart
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that$he is already degraded.$ --George Orwell (1903-1950)
If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists in$the Bible.$ --Modecai Richler
Dying is easy.  Comedy is difficult.$ --Actor Edmond Gwenn (1875-1959) on his deathbed
Humorists always sit at the children's table.$ --Woody Allen
I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.$ --Calvin Trillin
What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making$them puke.$ --Steve Martin
Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.$ --Richard Armour
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as$good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.$ --Charlotte Whitton (1896-1975)
Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.$ --Robin Morgan
There are only two kinds of men--the dead and the deadly.$ --Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.$ --Jayne Mansfield (1932-1967)
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on$believing that some men are my equals.$ --Brigid Brophy
Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally$of dealing with men.$ --Joseph Conrad (1857-1924)
Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals.  To$actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.$ --Fran Lebowitz
My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer$dahlias.$ --William Allen White (1868-1944)
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.$ --Lillian Day
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.$ --Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.$ --Joey Adams
A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.$ --Fred Allen (1894-1956)
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.$ --W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
If you become a star you don't change, everyone else does.$ --Kirk Douglas
I'm not a real movie star--I've still got the same wife I started out with$twenty-eight years ago.$ --Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an$autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.$ --Marlo Thomas
If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a$laboratory jar at Harvard.$ --Frank Sinatra
AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.$ --Telegram to Time magazine from Frank Sinatra
As an anti-American, I thank you for your rotten article devoted to my$person.$ --Letter to Time magazine from Prince Sihanouk
I am a deeply superficial person.$ --Andy Warhol
I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.$ --Shelley Winters
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a$valentine.$ --Christopher Plummer
I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than most$western countries.$ --George Burns
Never face fats; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.$ --Marlo Thomas
Nothing succeeds like the appearence of success.$ --Christopher Lasci
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.$ --Mae West (1892-1980)
Nothing fails like success.$ --Gerald Nachman
Anyone seen on a bus after the age of thirty has been a failure in life.$ --Loelia, Duchess of Westminster
To err is human$And stupid.$ --Robert Byrne
You may already be a loser.$ --Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
How should they answer?$ --Abigail Van Buren in reply to the question,$   "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.$ --Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)
Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.$ --From the movie My Favorite Year, 1982
The goys have proven the following theorem...$ --Physicist John von Neumann (1903-1957) at the start$   of a classroom lecture
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.$ --Martin Luther Kind, Jr. (1929-1968)
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.$ -Will Rogers (1879-1935)
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into$my neighborhood after dark.$ --Dick Gregory
Work is of two kinds; first, altering the position of matter at or near the$earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do$so.$ --Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a penis$or vagina.$ --Florynce kennedy
It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.$ --Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)
Anybody who works is a fool.  I don't work, I merely inflict myself on the$public.$ --Robert Morley