¶N¤¢01ž02LESSER LANGUAGES!ž01


¢02 Written by: ¢03The Heavyweight/Devious.

¢03 Basic¢02,¢03   Fortron¢02,¢03   Cobol   :¢02   These
 programming  languages are well known
 and   (more   or   less)  well  loved
 throughput   the  computer  industry.
 There  are  numerous other languages,
 homwever,  there  are less known that
 still have ardent devotees.  In fact,
 these      little-known     languages
 generally   have   the  most  fanatic
 admirers.  For those who wish to know
 more about these obsure languages and
 why  they  are  obscure I present the
 following catalog.

¢03 SIMPLE¢02:   SIMPLE  is  an acronym from
 Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
 Linguistic     Environment.      This
 language,  developed  at  the Hanover
 College  for  Technical  Misfit,  was
 designed  to  make  it  impossible to
 write  code  with  erros  in it.  The
 staements  are, therefore confined to
 BEGIN,  END, and STOP.  No matter how
 you   arrange  the  statements.   you
 can't make a syntax error.

 Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing
 useful.    Thus   they   achieve  the
 results  of  program written in other
 languages    without   the   tedious,
 frustrating  process  of  testing and
 debugging.

¢03 SLOBOL:¢02  SLOBOL is the best known for
 the  speed,  or  lack  of  it, of its
 compiler.   ALthough  many  compilers
 allow  you  to  take  a  coffee break
 while  they compile, SLOBOL compilers
 allow  you  take a trip to Bolivia to
 pick   up  the  coffee.   Forty-three
 programmers are known to have died of
 boredom  sitting  att their terminals
 while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
 compile.   Weary  SLOBOL  programmers
 often   turn   to   a   related  (but
 infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

¢03 VALGOL:¢02   (With special thanks to Dan
 and  Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau) From its
 modest    beginnings    in   southern
 California's   San  Fernando  Valley,
 VALGOL  is  enjoying a dramatic surge
 of  popularity  across  the industry.
 VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE,
 WELL   and   Y$KNOW.   Variables  are
 assigned  with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY
 operators.   Other  operators include
 the  "CALIFORNIA  BOOLEANS", FERSURE,
 and  NOWAY.   Repetions  of  code are
 handled in FOR-SURE loops.  Here is a
 simple VALGOL program.
    
¢01    14 LIKE, Y$KNOW (I MEAN) START
    %%IF
    PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
    01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
    9C =LIKE GRODY^MAX
    4K (FERSURE)^2
    18 THEN
    41 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
    86 DO WAH + (DITTY^2)
    9  BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
   -17 SURE
       IF LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 
       ? REALLY
   ¢01 $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y$KNOW)¢01

¢02 VALGOL    is   charactized   by   its
 unfriendly   error   messages.    For
 example, when the user makes a syntax
 error,  the  interpreter displays the
 message GAG ME WITH A SPOON.

¢03 LAIDBACK: ¢02  Histroically, VALGOL is a
 derivative  of  LAIDBACK,  which  was
 developed  at the (now defunct) Marin
 County Center for Tai Chi, Mellowness
 and   Computer   Programming,  as  an
 alternative   to   the  more  intense
 atmosphere  in nearby Silicon Valley.
 The  center was ideal for programmers
 who  liked  to soak in hot tubs while
 they   worked.    Unfortunately,  few
 programmers  could  survive  ther for
 long,  since the senter oulawed pizza
 and  Coke Cola in favour of bean curd
 and  Perrier.   Many mourn the demise
 of LAIDBACK because of its reputation
 as   a   gentle   and  nonthreatening
 languages.    For  example,  LAIDBACK
 reponses  to  syntax  errors with the
 message, SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH
 THAT.

¢03 SARTRE:¢02    Named   after   the   late
 existenitial  philosopher.  SARTRE is
 an  extremely  unstructured language.
 Statements  in  SARTRE  programs  are
 left  to  define their own functions.
 SARTRE  programmers tend to be boring
 and  depressed  and  are  no  fun  at
 parties.

¢03 FIFTH: ¢02    FIFTH   is   a   precision
 mathamatical  language  in  which the
 data  types  refer  to quantity.  The
 data  types  reange  from  CC, OUNCE,
 SHOT  and  JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the
 name  of the language, LITRE, MAGNUM,
 and  BLOTTO.   Commands  refer to the
 ingredients    such    as    CHABLIS,
 CHARDONNAY,  CABERBET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
 VODKA,  SCOTCH, and WHATEVERISAROUND.
 To   many   versions   of  the  FIFTH
 language  reflect  the sophistication
 and  financial  staus  of  its users.
 Commands in the ELITE dialect include
 VSOP  and  LAFITTE, while commands in
 the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and
 RIPPLE.  This latter is a favorite of
 frustrated  FORTH programmers who end
 up using the language.

¢03 C-:¢02   This language was named for the
 grade recieved by its creator when he
 submitted  it  as a class prject in a
 graduate  programming  class.   C- is
 best   described   as  a  "Low-Level"
 programming  language.   In fact, the
 language  generally  requires more C-
 statements    than    machine    code
 staements  to  execute  a given task.
 In  this  respect, it is very simular
 to COBOL.

¢03 LITHP:¢02   This  otherwise unremarkable
 language   is  distinguished  by  the
 absence  of  an  "s" in its character
 set.    Programmers  and  users  must
 substitute "TH".  LITHP is said to be
 useful in proceththing littth.

¢03 DOGO:¢02  Developed at the Massachusetts
 Institute of Obediance Training, DOGO
 heralds      a     new     era     of
 computer-literates.    DOGO  commands
 include  SIT,  STAY,  HEEL,  and ROLL
 OVER (Yes, Spirit!!!).  An innovative
 feature  of DOGO is "PUPPY GRAPHICS",
 in   whihc  a  small  cocker  spaniel
 occassionally  leaves a deposit as he
 travels across the screen.