#1Lightbulb Jokes How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature. How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in light bulb? Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra. How many IBMers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". How many Indiana University students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) You ever wonder why it's so dark in Bloomington? 2) All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate. How many Iranians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage. How many Japanese industrialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb. How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change it to what? How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Da-a-addy. 2) What?! And ruin my nails??? How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. ("That's all right, I'll just sit here in the dark.") How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady. How many jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh wow, is it like dark, man? How many Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) All of them. 2) Only one. They'll screw anything. How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones. How many law professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. How many Lebanese does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) One liberal and twenty-eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. 2) Sorry, they can't remove the old one as it's already part of the environment. How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. How many loggers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he uses a chainsaw. How many magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Into what? How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. 2) Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One and a half. How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. How many massage parlor attendants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Whatever number turns you on, big boy. How many medflies does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They do it in the fruit. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb. How many Mid-Westerner's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change the light bulb, four to read the directions. How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb? 101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to screw in light bulbs too. How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel. Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. How many Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that." How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many National Security Council members does it take to change a light bulb? 1) We can't say. 2) Three, in fourteen countries. How many Nebraskans does it take to screw in a light bulb? What's a light bulb? How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. 2) Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ? 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it! How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he's gotta cross-post it ALL OVER THE GODDAM PLACE. How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke? 1000. One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem." How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None of your damn business! 2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers. 3) 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying to stop it. How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he'll tell everybody. How many NHL officials does it take to screw in a light bulb? First you have to find one. How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None of your f---ing business and have a nice day. How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. How many OU football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. 2) Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricty that powers it. How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight. How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't change bulbs. They have nice fires in their caves and if they need light they go out and look at the sun... How many members of the PLO does it take to screw in a light bulb? 45. One to drive the car, four to shoot the bodyguards of the president of Sylvania, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights. How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb. How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! How many poor slobs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Poor slobs don't have light bulbs - they're too expensive. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb. How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. 2) None. Pre-meds don't screw, they study. How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But he has to wait until the light is better. How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it. 2) None. That's what grad students are for. How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. That's a hardware problem. 2) None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. 3) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. How many "pro-lifers" does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready. 2) Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many do you think it takes? How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1) Seven. One to get on the chair and six to get on the guest list. 2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. How many Radcliffe girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's "Women", and it's not funny!