TITLE:THE SPANDIMERDA COLUMNS (The Charts 12-13-14) PALETTE:0223 0558 0799 0aa7 3THE SPANDIMERDA COLUMN 3 (The Charts 12) Despite all my past attempts, more or less orthodox, to divulge the use and the meaning of the word3 SPANDIMERDA1, I am not satisfied by the results. Most of the sceners out there still don't have the luck of knowing one of the most important concepts of modern scene. For this reason, and for the fact that actually I'm paying The Charts' editors for letting me publish this article (which is going to become a regular column, if I find enough money), I'm filling your screens with these lexical gurgles that may change your whole scene life, or, more probably, rob you of some minutes. SPANDIMERDA means literally 2"shit spreader"1, but its scene semantic is a bit more complex. As you hardly know, the scene language, Scenglish, is a tough beast, it has various dialects, no grammatical rules and it makes of its syntactical anarchy one of its prerogatives, since it doesn't exist a real Scenglish dictionary and if it exists nobody follows it. That's a good reason why I can introduce the word spandimerda without provoking a linguistic revolution and the vibrant protests of men of letters like 2The Ripper 1or2 Peto1. We can give to our locution three different meanings, all more or less connected to the image of distributing faeces around. The first meaning is the most direct. A spandimerda is a guy who talks shit about the others, he declares that they make shit, they are shit, they look shit or something similar. Of course there are various kinds of these spandimerda, there are the aggressive ones (2Zinfkfloid/TRSI1), the direct ones (2Chaos/Sanity1), the subtle and elusive ones (2Lord Helmet/Spaceballs1), the sarcastic ones (2Rocketeer/Ram Jam1) and so on. They are all spandimerda professionists who know how to spread shit around and who have all deserved in the past at least one prestigious Spandimerda Award. The art of spandimerding is a talent which mother nature has given with moderation. It's not easy to find good spandimerda with real spandimerding skills, who know what are the weak points of their victims and who find the best words to attack them. There are many aspirant spandimerda out there who just don't know the basic principles of the discipline, they simply use to insult without logic and criteria, that's not spandimerding that's just untalented aggressivity that can't impress the official 2Spandimerda Committee1, the scene organ that decides who deserves the Spandimerda Awards. The second meaning of the word is more related to the individual. It refers to a person who is very self centred and boasts himself without limits. Often the best spandimerda in the first meaning are also spandimerda in this second one. Everybody knows, for example, that Chaos is not exactly a master of modesty, he is probably the best spandimerda in scene's history and this capability has let him top the coders' charts also when he didn't deserve it. He has been the first to understand that a spandimerda interview can do much more than a good demo. People read that he considers himself the best and others' codes are easy and they even believe it! Another bright example of spandimerda is Lord Helmet when he writes that RAW is the best mag. He knows that in order to be considered the best you have to say around that you are the best. People believes everything, the sheep tendency (the scener's mental disposition of following the mass, like a sheep) is one of the most common and diffused scene's social phenomenon. A spandimerda, then, has always good chances to be considered good in what he spreads shit for. Also in this case anyway it's not easy to be a good spandimerda. You can't pretend that everybody believes whatever you say, you have to be keen, to give also some evidences of your capabilities, to give substance to the appearance. If you try to spandimerda without having shit to spread you simply look like a buffoon, nobody believes you. Our two examples Chaos and Lord Helmet (they are always happy to be mentioned in spandimerda articles) have had talent in giving value to their skills, they have been good in "advertising" them in the right way and for this reason a very good mag and a very good coder have became the best at the eyes of the scene. Finally we have a third possible meaning of this infamous word which is persecuting you all along this article. It's related to the second one but it has different nuances and depth being much less evident and direct. Since it's impossible to explain it in words (well, it is for me now) I give an example. A demo with good spandimerda properties is a well thought sequence of effects, where each part is emphasised and well advertised. If you make a world record routine and you say that it's a world record people will consider it better, if you don't show the same routine immediately in all its power but you present it gradually, the spectator will be more impressed because you have pumped better your effect. This is a simple example, of course, but it can give an idea of how important is some good spandimerding in a demo. Many guys have understood that and for this reason you often find in demos a sort of presentation of a routine and in many cases an evolution of it. The principle behind this technique is clear, it's at the basis of every good advertising campaign: to emphasise what you show, to present it as more important and impressive than what it actually is. This method has been used since the beginning of the demo scene and it has evolved in various sophisticated spandimerda tricks. Examples of a full accomplished spandimerda demo is Kefrens'2 Desert Dream1 where many effects are presented with the usual spandimerda tones (in this third meaning) and where the same synchronisation of the music gives very subtly the impression of a better module. Other examples (there is plenty of them) are the (pointless) Anti-digit mode of Sanity's 2Arte1 (almost indirect way to claim that that picture wasn't digitised and consequently that its author is good) or, just to remember a classic, 2Hardwired1's presentation of the 48 faces glenz vector. If all this seems obvious to you and if you think that I haven't said anything particular or new the reason is that the same concept of spandimerding, also in this third meaning, is deeply rooted into the scene's habits. The scener himself needs to make use of spandimerda methods in order to climb more easily the scene's social structure. Since this endless quest for popularity and fame (no matter how relative and illusory it may be) is the main justification and reason why we are all spending so much time in our scene games, you can easily understand how important is a spandimerda attitude for the same scener's existence and life's expectations. To spandimerda, possibly in all the three explained meanings, is the most easy and direct way for the scener to reach what he wants, the top of the Charts. This has been the first article of the Spandimerda Column, it's been a sort of introduction and explanation of the word and its meanings, in the future issues of The Charts we will see many other aspects related to the spandimerda universe and we will start to analyse more clearly how the whole scene's life and social structure is based on simple but not always evident spandimerda foundations. We have already seen how a spandimerda demo has better chances to gain success, how a spandimerda guy grabs more easily the attention of the public and how the spandimerda disposition stays in the same scener's nature, but that's not enough, there are many other spandimerda truths to discover and to analyse, many surprises could await all the scenologists interested in the spandimerda phenomenon. That's not all, anyway, since we plan, for the future issues, true real time spandimerda demonstrations, in order to give to this column also pedagogic purposes and social utility. Two final words for the courageous readers who have been successful in reaching this article's end, don't wonder if the writer is serious or not, if he believes in what he has written or he was just joking with your patience, don't wonder if it's all irony, sarcasm or seriousness. You would fail in any case. 3THE SPANDIMERDA COLUMN 3(The Charts 13) The spandimerda community is in difficult conditions. Despite the fact that spandimerda tendencies are deeply rooted in every scener's nature, I am noticing around various glimpses of anti-spandimerda attitudes which cannot not worry and sadden me. Humanity has always been bombarded by strumental and silly anti-spandimerda influences. The same Church, for example, has often deleteriously attempted to convince people to act good and be kind with the others, forgetting that with these teachings it was going to push man against his same nature. After a lateral study of 2Mendel1's pubblications and 2Lorenz1's works, I've jumped to the conclusion that every man has a spandimerda gene and that sceners are sceners because they have a well developed spandimerda phenotype. Such truths should make us all happy and faithful about a luminous future of the Spandimerda community, but many signals in the scene have suggested me that something or someone is hideously fighting against our good spandimerda cause. I've noticed signs of insofferency in the common sceners, I've noticed more than once promising spandimerda wars finished with disgusting friendly acts of peace. Consider for example the two best individual wars of the last years: 2Zinkfloid3 vs2 Colorbird1 and2 Filippetto 3vs2 ACBS1. I've written much about them, with some justified pride I can say that I have contributed to their fame, writing thousands of articles (always good to fill space in my pygmy mag), interviewing them, reporting with zeal and excitation their hottest declarations and so on. Result? Filippetto has joined ACBS' group and Zinkfloid and Colorbird are tenderly exchanging long letters. Besides the fact that I find all this repellent and that I consider these four sceners a bad example for the generations to come and traitors of my personal faith in them, it seems that their peace was even seen by somebody with relief! I simply can't understand that. The scene is still full of spandimerda, just look at all the diskmagazines where right in these months it's taking place the biggest scene revolution since the release of Nightfall's first intro. Every new mag introduces itself declaring that it's different and original, that it will talk about the scene in a different way and that, obviously, its producing group is the best of the world. In the articles you can be enlighted with wonderful spandimerda attacks to other competing mags, you can read journalistic scoops about sceners sexual preferences (nobody seems to mention diskdrives, which in my opinion still raise a lot of pervert fantasies) and you can be satisfied by gossips and evil remarks about everybody. In other words we are attending the most exciting MagWars of the last years, where everybody spandimerda everybody. It seems a spandimerda heaven but, incredibly, in these same mags you can read articles where it's welcomed the end of the 2Zinkobird1 war, where the author expresses disapprovation for all the spandimerda trends and where the word friendship, scandalously, appears again. I just don't know what to think, diskmags are my hope and my desperation, it almost seems that they are written by single and independent thinking creatures and not polite sheep addressed to the good spandimerda path. It's something that scares and surprises me, maybe some scener among us is actually able to think. Or maybe not, as every good spandimerda knows well. 3THE SPANDIMERDA COLUMN 3(The Charts 14) When I started this column on the Charts I wanted to educate sceners about the spandimerda values, to describe the glory and the fashion of the art, to show the way for a better spandimerda future. I knew that it was not an easy task, I knew that I was not able to fulfil it properly, I also knew that I was one of the few in the scene who had the rights and the know-how to talk about it. I have not invented the "Spandimerda Awards" for nothing, after all. One of the main reasons why sometimes spandimerda activists are not considered with benevolent eyes is that they are not understood. There's a basic misconception about spandimerdas that reduces their liking among sceners. That's bad, because spandimerdas are good and loyal sceners who should be appreciated and loved for the work they do for everybody. Just imagine a scene without some spandimerding. It would be terrible, tasteless, boring, dead. Spandimerda is the essence of scene life. Who doesn't agree is a brainless lamer who deserves to enter in the elitary category of the "biggest idiots in the scene". But let's come to the latest news in the Spandimerda World. In the issue 5 of Abnormalia a new revolutionary statement of principle has been approved by the Spandimerda Committee. After the exam of various cases the Committee has decided that it's legal to spandimerda also a Spandimerda Master. A similar decision has raised several (spandimerda) polemics between the party of the2 "liberals" 1 who supported a similar decision and the group of the 2"conservators" 1 who defended the purity and the integrity of the Spandimerda Masters. The whole matter is quite delicate, both the parts have their own good reasons and I think that the public should be informed about them, also in order to understand better the internal struggles that animate the activity of the Committee. The liberals are a relatively new current in the Spandimerda world, they claim that the spandimerda process should be totally free and democratic. They pretend therefore that also Spandimerda Masters, who have proved on the battleground their value, can be spandimerded, as everybody else. The conservators are more tied to the traditions of spandimerding, they want to defend the rights and the integrity of the Spandimerda Masters which are indeed a valuable property of the whole scene. They claim that it's not moral to spandimerda them, considered all the good things they have done for the movement. It's hard for me, simple spokesman of the Spandimerda Committee, to support a side or the other, I can only underline how times change also for the hardest Spandimerda, they can't consider themselves protected and privileged sceners anymore, they are like all the others, they have to fight their spandimerda wars and suffer for them even if they have gained in the past more than a Spandimerda Award. The stingy Charts editors, as usual, have given me only 3000 bytes of space for my column and I am finishing them. If you want to read more from me in the next issues, please flood the bastards with letters notifying your desires. Next time I will give you practical hints and tricks for your spandimerda campaigns and, maybe, I will inform you about the existence of a new spandimerda category, the Light-Spandimerda, who has been introduced as an entry level solution to interest not-Spandimerda-oriented sceners. Final necessary words for2 SCENERETICA1, the sponsor of Abnormalia, which, due to the particular contract we stipulated, must be mentioned wherever the word Abnormalia appears. Remember that Sceneretica is the leader in sceners production. They stock a full range of talented sceners for your group. You can also permute your old member for a brand new Sceneretica scener. If you want more informations feel free to contact the Abnormalia staff.