TITLE:AARS: REAL TIME PARTY REPORT (Abnormalia 1) PALETTE:0223 0668 08aa 0a8a 3 AARS: REAL TIME PARTY REPORT There are mags around that boast things they can't do. 2RAW1, for example, boasts to be the most objective mag around. We write for the living mag, we always say that, and we don't tell lies. Believe me. I am God. World is my image at the mirror. Yes, holy reader, stop x-copying, keep on reading cos even the bible hasn't dared so much. You could perhaps find a lame, normal, common, average, conventional, boring, cazzuto party report on that ancient diskmag, but you would never see THERE what you are going to peer HERE. 2This is The Party real time report! In full frame rate of course. I am quite bored of standard party reports, I mean, you have really to be an idiot to read on a mag what has happened two months before. 2I do it better, I do it now. I am showing you now what you are reading now. In other words I talk. Sure I do, don't you listen? Actually these same words are taking shape just now in front of your eyes. You don't notice it but you are reading what you want to read! Yep, if you don't like this article you are really a bad articles writer. If you are reading this in Aars, well, keep on reading and then you can go home, what is happening in your future minutes is written here. 2Do you really need to LIVE what I am telling you? But I have enough about introductions, let's come to the Point, the Juice of the Soup, the Center of the Universe, the Basic Topic, the Mindblasting Secret, the True Story, the Fucking Important Concept. In other words, let's go on. This is what happens at: 3The Party II in Aars the 27-29th of December, Anno Abnormaliae 1. Take note, study and don't fail your History test. 3From "The Party: History" Volume III. It all began a cold morning of an ancient day in the land where Soccer was a joke, a bad one, actually, especially for the opponents. An enormous swarm of human beings gathered from the five lands in front of the utterly microscopic entrance door of the mysterious and legendary "Party Place". Fate, wicked as he liked to be, had decided what had to happen: "Slaughter". And Slaughter was. Two brave Amigas, an audacious mouse and a broken joystick were annihilated in the unnable throng, in the panic, the screams, the crowd, the queue! (We weren't in England seemingly, there weren't even Diana's books around) Even better than a Guns'n'roses concert! The unfortunate owners of such fortunes cried like wounded elephants (they were elephants indeed) among the indifference of the cold, detached, evil, egoist people. Life was a bitch in those ancient days, you could die in a crowdy street and the best thing that could happen to you was to be kicked by someone passing by. Once entered, the survived ones soon could understood what had been the two worst mistakes of their lives. The first one was to have forgotten at home 10 kilos of dresses (Official Temperature was 23 under zero, a polar bear said that it was a fiendish lie, his multiuse watch reported a lame -20 ). The second mistake was to have asked to the mummy the money "to go to the pardey". The party place was a rotten, decaying, decomposed ex brothel. Strange smears could be seen on the walls and the ceiling was holed like a swiss cheese (they make you pay also the air, those stingy Swatch eaters!). The giga screen resulted to be a damaged black and white monitor with the resolution of a GameBoy, the 24-hours bar consisted in the sister of the organizer who had prepared nine hamburgers at home, the wardrobe was the not used toilet of the brothel (not used for igienic reasons), the sleeping hall consisted in three beds all united (2134 guys managed to sleep there), "Well, at least I can meet lotsa cool guys", was the thought of the confused visitors but, and this is History, all the 1864 Amigas at the party had shown for the whole time THE NIGHTMARE SCREEN OF PINBALL DREAMS! For 69 hours and 96 minutes the only thing the discouraged organizer had faced around had always been the same damn howling screen. When he tried to shake a bit the atmosphere loading the BEAT BOX screen he was looked by 3728 shocked and scandalized eyes. He soon resetted the machine in order to load a more comfortable Nightmare screen. Before the end of the party a group dared to present an amos intro for the compo. Sad and terrible had been the end of the temerarious dudes. (They were forced to play Pinball Dreams for the rest of their lives) At the end of the party, the party freaks went away in order to find their way home (We'd have been surprised of the contrary, indeed) and seek warmth and love in their native lands. Ooops, I somehow fear to have chosen the wrong extract of the Party history. It was a joke of course, just to show you what it can happen if you try to read the wrong party reports! Here are the real competitions results... (Yep, did you really think that I have to wait for the beginning of the compos to have the results??) 3DEMO COMPO Original results: 1st - 2Hardwired1 ("cos we had to win last time") 2nd - 2Ray of Hope VI1: The hope to be the last 3rd - 2Odyssey MMI1: The beginning 4th - 2In the Bedroom 1(Censored version) 5th - 2Guardian Dragon IV1 ("Cos we don't like to be third") After the histeric cry of the coder of the 7th placed demo, the final results were changed and Hardwired was disqualified because it had been released some days (weeks?) (a year?) before. The real final results were: 1st - 2Mental Hangover 2nd - 2In the Bedroom 1(Original version) 3rd - 2Odyssey MMII1: We have made another one in the meanwhile 4th - 2Ray of Hope VI1: The hope is the same 5th - 2Guardian Dragon V1 (Dragons are fast to reproduce) When the definitive results were shown a riot took place among all the coders at the party and the organizer. At the end, as in every good story, the organizer won, he squashed them all and took all the money for himself (don't believe the mags when they will report that the prizes weren't payed: They were given to somebody). 3MUSIC COMPO Here are the standings: 1st - We are the champions (2Mantronix and Tip1) 2nd - We are the seconds (2Kid Creole and the Coconuts1) 3rd - Run like hell (2Tom and Jerry1) 4th - The sound of silents (2Simon and Garfunkel1) 5th - Five reasons to say I am 5th (2Al Bano and Romina1) 6th - Bingo! (2You and me1) 7th - Party farts (2DDT/HBT1) 3GRAPHICS COMPO 1st - 2Mack 2nd - 2Dali' 3rd - 2Michelangelo 4th - 2The brother of the jury's chief Michelangelo was disqualified because his picture couldn't be showed with DPaint IV (he brought a real painting, the lamer), the final, original, real and copyrighted 3rd place was achieved by Macno with the icons panel of this mag!!! Ok, ok, how have you discovered that it was a joke?? 3INTRO COMPO 1st - 2Guruntro!1 by Skandal (a stunning 1 plane real-time calcolated Guru) 2nd - 2Cuntro1 by The Perverts (impressive realistic graphics) 3rd - 2Simsalabintro1 by The Magic Guild (it has witched the jury) 4th - 2TruntoBumpoParaGruntro1 by TruntoBumpoParaGroup (coolest name) 5th - 2Intro1 by BS1 (lotsa new effects!) 3SOCCER COMPO The Danish Typhoon won the cup. Here is the formation: Goalkeeper: 2Dino Zoff1/Italian Bad Boys Rightdef: 2Doctor PSI1/Zenith (voted as best right defender of the team) Leftdef: 2The brother of the party electrician Midfield: 2Ben1/Absolute (voted best player of the first match of the tournament) Forward: 2Mimmo Strangely enough there were no danes in the team (the electrician is a lapp). 3KICK OFF COMPO 1st -2 Mimmo 2nd -2 Mimmo 3rd -2 Mimmo Nobody told him that he was the only competitor. 3DISK THROWING COMPO 1st - 2Tipo 2nd - 2Mimmo 3rd - 2Tipo 4th - 2Mimmo At the end an ambulance brought them away. Nobody told them not to quarrel with disks. 3BEER DRINKING COMPO 1st - 2Phoenix1 (She beated most of the party nerds) 2nd - 2Rod1/Polaris (A new force in the scene) 3rd - 2Slayer1 (Times change indeed) Last - 2Delta1 (A legend in the dust) This is all for the competitions' results but there are many other things to say about the party, here is what I have seen, heard, sniffed, licked and touched. - This Party had to be the Final One, even better than the Party I. For this reason the organizers have decided to organize a real fire without alarm. They thought that it was much more exciting than a lame fake fire alarm. The party place was totally burnt: 3 halls, 1246 Amigas, 779 mouses, 1112 monitors, 1238262 floppy disks, 95 hard disks, 2 b/w televisors, 1 pencil, 187352 stickers, 2 flags, 1 walkman, 321 external drives, 21 2Mb external expansions, 6 4Mb external expansions, 1 internal expansion out of its place, 3143 porno mags, 1002 unused condoms, 1 used condom (used for a real safe kiss), 666 joysticks, 1 Toaster, the master disk of Abnormalia (you are reading another mag), 1 original and unique copy of the 68080 project, 1 pack of Tysse Myrers, 1 fridge, 3 bycicles, 7 keys, half party dude and the secret DJ kit of Jogeir Lilendhal lost their lives in the fire. The flames had hugged their existences and had brought them to the infinite lands of oblivion. Thanks God nothing else was damaged. A massive fall of the number of God believers took place the following weeks. - After the fire all the 2514,5 party dudes flooded the Aars' pubs in order to find local girls. Noticing that there weren't enough girls and that the native boys weren't that happy of the friendly invasion a tremendous brawl took place between the ones who wanted to decapitate the local heroes and the ones who just wanted to strangle them. At the end the latter group won but it was too late and the local bulls, with the local belles, were already laying in a safe place. Sad, dismayed and worn-out, the party fools decided to find in the local pubs the quickest way to forget the Party Of The Century (the lamers didn't know anything yet of The Party III: The Slaughter. - Police visited the Party in order to check if everything was according the laws. They didn't find anything wrong, all the software of all the diskettes of all the party dudes was legal. After having copied Kick Off II for their children, the policemen went away merrily. - U2 have played as support group at the Kyd-Balle concert. The four lamers didn't manage to grab the attention of the audience and they weren't permitted to end their lousy show. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" was interrupted before the end and Bono and friends were forced to leave the stage under a rain of vegetables. When it came to the real Concert, when all the people were ready to enjoy the Show that could justify hours of trips and tons of liras, when Jesper Kyd and Michael Barre were already stepping on the stage, a major power cut took place and nothing happened. "Be the sfiga with you!", cried a not well identified italian dude at the party (Virus) (he was devoured ten seconds later).