$ff7|1-Jokes $ff4 various $faf THE ANSWER IS: Beef, Iron and Wine The question is "What do housewives do at home all day?" Overheard in court one day: Judge - What's your name? Prisoner - Sparks Judge - What's the charge? Prisoner - Assault and battery Judge - Well, lock him in a dry cell! We were all in a car and it wouldn't start, so I told everyone to be quiet, and then it started right up! Why?? Cause it goes without saying... All the best chess players were at a big tournament. They hung out for the first hour in the hallway, bragging to each other about all their recent victories. Suddenly, the hotel manager threw them all out of the hallway. When asked why, he replied: "I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!" Be proud of me, and someday I may deserve it. Q: What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia? A: A Phillips Screwdriver! For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog. When he found out I was Jewish, he bit me! He was a wonderful watchdog. One evening while I was being held up, he watched. Do you smoke after sex? I don't know... I never looked! Jack and Jill went up the hill They each had a quarter Jill came down with fifty cents Jack came down a little shorter Jealous wife on the phone: You tell my cheating husband to get his ass across the street right now. Neighbour: He just did! Jack and Jill went up the hill To do some Hanky Panky. Jack went 'Uh!' and Jill went 'Ah!' And out came baby Frankie! "You will pay for eating that apple", God said adamantly! "I've dropped my toothpaste", he said crestfallen. Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards! Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria! Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain! Denial: A river in Egypt! Buccaneer: The price of corn. Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater! "Who was that lady I seen you with last night?" "You mean 'I saw.'" "Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?" Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that although Dick is a fine shipbuilder, he's not the rigger Mort is. What type of birth control would a Roman Catholic lumberjack who's wed to a mathematican use??? The log-a-rhythm-method. Why didn't the Maharishi want novocaine when he had a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication. Q: What time of day was Adam born? A: A little before Eve. Q: When was radio first mentioned in the Bible? A: When God took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker. Eve: "Adam, do you love me?" Adam: "Who else?" The first Adam-splitting gave us Eve - a force which ingeneous men of all ages have never gotten under control. Adam was created first - to give him a chance to say something. I say to the doctor, "It seems as I get older, my ears get bigger!". The doctor, he say to me, "This is not unusual. All extremities tend to get larger as we get older.". I tell the doctor "Well, maybe this is good thing, this might do something for my weenie!". The doctor says "You know, the problem with them ears, is when they get big they get floppy.". There was a newly married couple and the wife was just a bit unsure of herself around the house. One day a floorboard on the back porch broke and when her hubbie came home she asked if he could fix it. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE A CARPENTER", he bellowed, "call a carpenter to fix it." A few days later she had an electrical problem and again waited for her husband to come home and again got this response, "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,AN ELECTRICIAN? call an electrician to fix it." Well a couple of weeks past and when the husband came home from work his wife told him that there had been a problem with the plumbing, but, she had called the plumber and everything had been taken care of. "Great!" he said, "that's the way to do things, how much did he charge?" "Well", she told him, "he wanted either 10 pies, or sex." "I hope you gave him the pies" he said. "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE BETTY CROCKER" The doctor told Henry that he had cancer and could expect to live only another 4 to 5 weeks. Henry told his buddies he was dying of AIDS. Doc called Henry in to ask him why he was saying it was AIDS instead of cancer. Henry replied, "I don't want anybody messing with my wife after I'm gone." Do you know why Scotsman wear kilts?? Sheep can hear a Zipper a mile away. Guy looking for his friend pops in a barber shop and asks: Hey! Bob Peters here? Barber replies: No. Just heads. A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time. After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel. And went to it's restaurant for diner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug. "Waitress" he said," I ordered a small beer." She said," this is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer." Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the pater. "Waitress, I ordered a petite stake" She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake. After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he ask the waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*,and walked into the hotel swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed, "DON'T FLUSH IT!" Happiness is a warm modem "It's time someone put his foot down around here. And that foot...is me." The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian, a Russian officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman riding on a train. Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers heard a kiss, then a loud slap. The girl thought,"Isn't it odd the Russian tried to kiss the old lady and not me?" The old lady thought,"That is a good girl with fine morals." The Russian officer thought,"That Czech officer is a smart fellow; he steals the kiss and I get slapped." The Czech thought,"Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, slap a Russian officer, and get away with it!" Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit, "Did you notice anything special about the man?" "Yes, he seemed better dressed each time." An Army base staff was planning war games did not want to use live ammunition. Instead they informed the men, "In place of a rifle, you go `Bang bang'. Inplace of a knife, you go `Stab stab'. In place of a hand grenade, you go `Lob lob'. The game progressed until one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He went "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran forward and went, "Stab, stab," but nothing happened. He ran back and went, "Lob, lob," but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and siad, "You're not playing fair. I went `Bang, bang' and `Stab, stab' and `Lob, lob' and you haven't fallen dead! The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble, I'm a tank!" Guy says to his friend, "My wife says your head feels just like her ass." Friend reaches up, feels his head and says, "You know, she's right!" Old lady says to her husband, "For heavens sake, zip up your fly, it's open." Husband replies, "No problem, dead birds don't fall out of their nests." There were these two strings walking down the road when they came to a bar. They decided to stop in and have a few drinks. So they sat down at a table and noticed that they were not going to be served. So the first string said that he would go up to the bar and get a couple of beers. First string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers. Bar tender: Sorry, but we don't serve strings here. So the first string returned to the table and informed the second string of the problem. The second string said "no problem, I'll take care of this." So the second string stood up, Frazzeled his ends a bit and tied himself into a knot. He then walked up to the bar.. Second string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers. Bar tender: Hey, aren't you a string? Second string: I'm a frayed knot... they got the beers... This guy Fred is really in love with his girl friend Wendy, and decides to do something special for her. He has her name tatooed on his weiner. Fred and Wendy decide to take a trip to Jamaica in the Carribean. When they arrive after their flight Fred has to go to the bathroom. He goes up to one of the stalls and as he is going, this big black guy walks up to the next stall and starts to pee too. Wouldn't you know this black guy has WENDY tatooed on his weiner too. Fred asks the guy if his girlfriends' name is Wendy because of his tatoo. The black guy says NO. When I'm excited it spells out Welcome To Jamaica Man - Have a Nice Day. Laurel and Loren were this newlywed white couple that wanted to raise black children, and set out to work. Nine moths later, the fruits of there labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, Loren decided to ask a black friend of his why the couldn't have black children. The fellow took him aside and asked "Is your penis at least 1 foot long?" Loren said no. "Is it at least 3 inches thick?" Again Loren answered in the negative. "Well there's your problem man! You let in too much light!" A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "Sorry. We don't serve bears here" said the bartender. "I want a beer" says the bear. "I can't serve you. It's not our policy" notes the bartender. Getting angrier, the bear growls and smashes his paw on the bar "I WANT A BEER!!!!!" "NO" shouts the bartender. In frustration, the bear walks over to a lady sitting in a corner table. He eats her whole (bones and everything). The bear walks back to the bar and grabs the bartender). "I WANT A BEER" growls the bear. "We don't serve bears on drugs" states the bartender. "I'm not on drugs" replies the bear. "Yes you are" states the bartender "That was a bar-bitch-you-ate!! A foreigner came to the USA to get a job, he couldn't speak a word of English. The employment counselor told him there were no job openings for people who could speak no English, but if the man would learn at least a couple of words, she would see what she could find for him. So the man went out to learn a couple of words of English, the first place he went was a rocket launch-pad. When the rocket went up, he got so excited, and was shouting and pointing, the other spectators told him that was the take-off. All he could remember was the word 'take-off' but he figured that was good for one. The next place he went was a zoo. He saw all the animal exibits, but he went back again and again to one certain cage. Eventually he heard someone call the animal a zebra. He figured zebra was good for the second word. When he went back to the employment office, the counselor asked him what he had learned. He answered "Take-off zebra." There were two brothers by the name of Jones, one was married and the other one was single. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said " Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible. John replied, "Well I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start to the finish. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish and from the time that I got her. She made water faster than anything. She had a bad crack and a hole in the front--the hole got larger every time I used her and she leaked like everything; but here is what happened." Four guys asked if they could rent her for the night. I warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would have a go at her anyhow. The result was that the fools tried to get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she split right up the middle. Before Joe could say another word about his boat, the old lady fainted on the spot. A new bride, being very pure and innocent was quite nervous about her honeymoon night. That evening they were staying upstairs from her mother and wwhen bed time came and her husband took off his shirt the nervous newlywedd ran down to her mother screaming, "Mother, Mother his chest is all hairy". Mother calmley replied, "Just go back upstairs relax and do what he says." She returned upstairs and her husband removed his pants. She saw his hairy muscular legs, again she darted downstairs yelling, "mother Mother, his legs are all bumpy and hairy." "relax", advised her mother, "just go back upstairs and do what he tells you." Well once again she returned upstairs only to notice this time that her husband had lost 1/2 of his left foot in an accident. Down the stairs she ran screaming "Mother, Mother, he only has a foot and a half." "wait here, I'll be back in awhile." her mother said. A preacher walking down the sidewalk sees a little boy playing with a a little bottle of turpintine. The preacher says "Well, hello there son, what have you got there?". The little boy says "This here sir, is the most powerful liquid in the world.". The preacher looks at the bottle and says "Oh no son, that cannot be the most powerful liquid in the world. The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. If you take a couple of drops of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a baby girl.". The little boy thinks about this for a minute, perks up and says "Well ah heck, that ain't nothin. You take a couple of drops of this and rub it it on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motercycle!". There was a big party going on in the local mental hospital. It was a big event, and one of the local doctors had been invited to tour the grounds during the festival. When the doctor arrived, things seemed to be going nicely, and the doctor decided to take a personal "unauthorized" tour of the grounds. As the doctor began to explore within the hospitals grounds, he began to notice that the patients were all getting this celebration with everyone else. The doctor first discovers a man, who is buck naked, and painted red from head to toe. The doctor asks the man "why are you red?" The man replies "I am angry! I am angry that people can do things and I'm stuck in here. I am angry that Bush is president, and that Quayle is in office! I am angry at everything!!!!!" The doctor not wanting to draw attention to himself immediately began to walk away from this ranting angry man. Then he approached a man painted green. This guy was a bit more composed, even though he was buck naked like the mad man. The guy immediately looked at the doctor and said "I'm green with envy! I am envious of you and your freedoms, the fact that you have a life and I do not, the fact that I don't have a car, and that my wife and kids left me! I am envious of everyone because they own what I can never have...sob...sob..." The doctor immediately began a retreat from this sorry excuse for a patient and promptly walked into tall black man, who was buck naked and happened to have a pear hanging off the end of his penis. The doctor immediately responded with "Oh, excuse me, my gosh, what's your problem?" The man responded in a quiet, distant voice- "I'm fucking dis' pear." There was a man renowned for orgasming television sets. When he died, he put into a museum of oddities. One day, a visitor inquired of her tour guide 'Does he COME cable ready?' Coming home early from work yesterday, I saw a neighbor jogging, nude, down the street. I said -- "How long have been doing this nude jogging" He said -- "Since you came home from work early." Little Mike came in from school one day, and asked "Mom, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? His mom replies "I don't know son, why don't you ask you're dad when he gets home". His dad comes home and Mike asks "dad, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? His dad replies, " I don't know son, but I will try to find out for you". The following Saturday Mike and his dad are driving to the store, and they pull into a train station, Mikes dad says " son, do you remember the question that you asked me the other day"? "Yes " says Mike. Well why don't you go over and ask the train engineer. So, Mike goes over and asks the train engineer,"Mr. train engineer, if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats, why can't big trains have little train"? The train engineer thinks for a minute and then replies " well son, I guess it is because big trains always pull out on time. I saw this on a tee shirt yesterday. Blown by Hugo...but still erect. Japanese visitor goes to a bank in Britain just as it opens and asks to change Yen into Pounds. "I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come back after 12noon, as our computers are down and we don't have the exchange rate yet," said the teller. "But want to change Yen to Pounds", replied the visitor. "I'm sorry, but you'll have to return after noon," said the teller. "Need to change Yen to Pounds", insisted the visitor. "You don't understand ... we don't have the exchange rate yet, so I can't change your money. Currency fluctuations, you see" replied the teller. "Currency Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" inquired the visitor. "Fluctuations - Fluctuations" said the exasperated teller. "Ah, fluc you British, too then" yelled the visitor as he stormed out of the bank. Sex is a real problem in 1990s... If you sleep with a Woman you get Herpes. If you sleep with a Man you get AIDS. If you sleep alone you get R.S.I. Sleep well tonight! One day there was a bear and a rabbit (Peter??) having a shit in the forest. The bear turned to the rabbit and said "Excuse me, do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" To which the rabbit replied "No". So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped himself with the it ............ The Seven (7) Dwarfs were in the bath feeling Happy, so he got out... One day Mayor Koch of New York was walking through the streets of Manhattan when he was stopped by a man carrying a huge cardboard box. "Hey Mayor," said the man, "you wanna buy a green rat?" The Mayor was skeptical but interested. "But there's no such thing as a green rat," he said, "and besides, what good would it do for New York?" "Just watch," said the man, putting down the box and opening it. Immediately a huge green rat bounced out, circled around the two men and disappeared into a sewer. When it emerged a few minutes later, it was being chased by more than a thousand other rats. The green rat ran into a nearby tenement building and reappeared, being chased by even more rats. This went on and on until every rat in the Big Apple was chasing the green rat. Finally, it ran up onto the Brooklyn Bridge and jumped into the East River. All the other rats followed and drowned. Later the green rat crawled out of the water, returned to the men and climbed back into the cardboard box. "That's fantastic!" shouted the Mayor. "I'll take him. But I have a question." "What's that?" asked the man with the box. "Do you have any green Negroes?" I was down at the Greenhills carpark (Cronulla, where surfies go to root) with my girlfriend in the back of my mad Cortina, when this copper tapped on the window.... Well I sort of looked around and my girlfriend said to the pig, Get FUCKED you filthy fucking bastard! The cop was none too pleased about this and was about to reply when she continued... WELL! Go on PIG! Get out of here shitface! The cop then looked at me and said `I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in son.' I was a little surprised and asked `What for!!!!??????' `For having an offensive person on your weapon' came the bland reply. Jess: I haven't slept for days and I'm still not tired! Wess: That's increadible! How do you do it? Jess: I sleep nights! Nancy: May I try on that suit in the window, please? Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else. A man went to visit a psychiatrist, and was being shown pictures of ink blots. "What does this remind you of?", said the psychiatrist, holding up the first picture. "SEX!", replied the man. "What does this remind you of?", said the psychiatrist, holding up the second picture. "SEX!", replied the man. This continued for the next dozen ink blots. "I know your problem", said the psychiatrist, "You're obsessed by sex!". "But you're the one showing me all the dirty pictures!!!" Customer: I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife. Storekeeper: Sheer? Customer: No, she's at home. Doctor: Your cough sounds much better this morning. Patient: It ought to. I've been practicing it all night! Bill: Today is my wife's birthday. Phil: What are you getting for her? Bill: Make me an offer! Mum, How do you spell clitoris? I don't know, but ask your father, it was on the tip of his tongue last night. Kid: Mum, can budgerigars come apart in bits? Mum: No, why do you ask? Kid: Because I heard Dad say that when he goes to grandma's tomorrow, he is going to screw the arse of the bird next door. Why can't gerbils drive? Hell, they can't even get out of Gere. What did spock find in the toilet? The captains log! What did Miss Piggy say when she awsnered the phone? "I can't talk right now, I have a frog in my throat! Oh yeah? Have you heard about the new cereal Prostitutes? They don't snap, crackle or pop. They just sit there and bang!!! Help save our trees. Eat a Beaver. $fffend