|2-Bailiffs are tossers If I offend anyone with this article, in particular Bailiffs then tough shit!! A true story by me, read on, In a semi somewhere in North Wales... On a rather dull, ordinary afternoon some time last year there was a knock at the front door. There were two people waiting on the doorstep, I opened the door to greet them. The old one was rather fat and follicly challenged, well to be honest he looked like Friar Tuck and the young one was a dead cert for Mr Bean junior. Mr Tuck said in a rather deep voice "I'm from Big Shit Commercial Thieving" or something similar!! "We've come to collect goods over non-payment of Council Tax, can we come in?" "Fuck me" I thought, "A Bailiff"!! After 30 seconds of looking me up and down like I was the star attraction in a freak circus, he swallowed his phlegm and opened the orifice above his three chins again and spewed out crap along the lines of "if you don't let us in today, we'll come back tomorrow with the police along with a warrant for your in-laws arrest". Well after smooth talking Mr Blobby preached his sermon on paragraph 2b, section III of the Regulation Act 1750 odd, the front door was opened to the Bailiff and his associate. This pair didn't fuck about, they could probably charm the knickers off a nun. Anyway, upon entry you could see the sidekick scanning the room like a little child in Santas Grotto. Now it was at this point that I realised Mr Tuck was the "nice one" and Pencil-Neck, I got the feeling took pleasure out of someone else's misery, you know the type, gobs in your drink when your not looking, chats up your missus when you've gone for a leak etc. Pencil-Neck just couldn't wait to get his scrawny pale hands into action to fill the tired looking Transit, obviously the "muscle" of this dynamic duo, although he could have quite easily have passed as a stand-in for either Beavis or Butt-head. I know you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but honestly this walking pipe cleaner was such a pecker-head (well I'm not going to say anything nice am I?) Mr Tuck brought with him a clip-board with an A4 size piece of paper on it. This piece of paper was in fact a notice of seizure and inventory. The original community charge bill was £254, but after interest and court costs were added on it soon crept up to £412, £26 of which was for the "visit fee" on this eventful day. Meanwhile, Pencil-Neck is running round like a whippet firing such subtle `catch you out' questions like "Is this yours?" and "How much is this worth?", the skinny fucker was keen, no doubt about that...and that Aquafresh smile!! He even looked outside at a smart looking G reg Isuzu Trooper 4x4 saying "Is that yours??" "Yes, sure it is, the Porsche is in the garage as well if you're interested". Tit! Lucky her Golf's in my name (Ha! Ha! fuck off and die Stickboy). After half an hour of Laural and Hardy doing their Supermarket Sweep impression, their haul had amounted to £100 cash, video player, telescope, teletext TV, CD player, 3 piece suite and other small oddments worth nothing more than sentimental value. Mr Tuck wrote the booty down on the inventory, a skill not yet aquired by Pencil-Neck. "That should do it" Mr Tuck murmered with a remorseful look on his face. "What about your bed" butts in the Stick insect, now is the time you discover Mr Tuck's got a conscious, he gave the cocky adolescent a finger wagging. "There's no way I'll take anyones bed", with that he said "If there's not enough we'll be back for more"!!! and promptly handed my `mum' a receipt. They both jumped in the Swag mobile and sped off into the sunset...(well the nearest public auction). ------------------------------- Now that's not quite the end of this article, the adult stories can wait! You see I wasn't happy with the way things were dealt with, I could only sit (until the 3 piece went) and watch these strangers just walk in and take my girlfriend's family possessions. Yes, we all know you should pay your bills and stuff. My points are: 1.It's a job, like any other, they've got bills to pay as well BUT if you'd have seen that fuckin' little emaciated stick boy smirking. Aaagggghhhh!! I thought job satisfaction was when a helicopter pulled a tourist off Snowdon in his Kakki shorts and instamatic camera, or a fireman freeing some kids head from a school urinal, that's job satisfaction NOT wading in like some primeval Neanderthal demanding you sell your soul to pay up. 2.Obviously the only qualification you need to join such an elite organisation is a driving license, a bit of respect and some manners wouldn't have gone amiss though. 3.Why did they ask the value of items, who did they think we were, the "Antiques fuckin' Roadshow" or Radio Rentals perhaps. Surely it's their job to know. 4.Why send the police round the next day, would it involve the Firearms unit S019, cos my mother-in-laws a menace with a wooden spoon! I should think the local constabulary have got enough on their plate (unless you actually believe that the crime figures are coming down!!) 5.They mentioned coming back if there wasn't enough to cover the debt. Would they bring stuff back though if they under-estimated the value of your possessions? Would they fuckers like!!! I bet their houses are full of the stuff. So 2H pencil look-a-like, (I'll leave Friar Tuck out of this, he's got enough problems trying to get his trousers over his fat gut and with his stressful job will probably be knocking on the Pearly gates soon, don't forget your clipboard?). Right you one cell wonder, one day you're going to barge in on somebody a lot bigger than yourself (not difficult), who isn't going to appreciate your doorstep patter and in all likeliness will stab you, hopefully after your voice has broken cos if you scream half as bad as you squeak, he'll cut your tongue out too!! When/if I win the Lottery, you're gonna be getting a visit from the kneecap boys as well!! Oh and another thing, my X-files tape was in that video ya bastards!! So ladies and gentlemen, if you want to be able to listen to your priceless collection of Take That CD's or watch Police Stop! 24, then pay your bloody bills cos there's nothing more humiliating than having this pair of wankers come knocking on your door. Er!, that's all, Thanx :-( |1-Kev/MôN PD End