323 Aladdin Sane presents... _ _ / \/ \ THE \ / LURVE \ / EMPORIUM \/ This space, next issue, will be a lonely-hearts column for all those hopeless romantics out there, who are searching for Mr/Miss Right, or at least Mr/Miss Right Now! As we have no prospective lovers at the moment, this page will be used to provide hints for all you Rudolf Valentinos and Sylvia Kristels. 1) How to interpret Lonely-hearts ads... Here is a brief list of words and/or phrases, that you may find are used frequently in columns such as this, and their respective meanings: "...Tall, dark and handsome..." Meaning: Short, pale and gruesome... "...6`2"..." Meaning: 5`6", but I`ve ordered some elevator shoes and I`m feeling optimistic! "...happy-go-lucky..." Meaning: Irritatingly twee to the point of excrutiating agony "...great personality..." Meaning: ...but as ugly as sin! "...Good sense of humour essential..." Meaning: NB: this is usually used as a vain attempt to show that the writer isn`t really just interested in your looks (but everybody is really!) "...please include photo..." Meaning: NB: unlike the above, this person is BLATANTLY shallow "...man of the world..." Meaning: Went to Benidorm on holiday two years ago "...buxom..." Meaning: FAT "...jolly..." Meaning: FAT "...buns of steel..." Meaning: Buns of LARD (ie FAT!!!) 2) Choosing the lucky(?) guy/girl... Once you have received a sufficient number of victims/clients/partners/ bimbos/himbos/soul-mates/sex slaves (delete as applicable), you then have the tricky task of choosing the one candidate that you shall honour with a date. Firstly, if they have signed their introductory letter as F. Kruger, M Myers, Lucretia Borgia, Mrs Bobbitt, or Snooky Wookums, then throw the letter away IMMEDIATELY! These are definately NOT SUITABLE, trust me on this one, okay!?! Secondly, when choosing a mate, totally ignore the descriptions of what the person looks like. Face it, they are going to LIE! These sad, lonely gimps are desperate for any semblance of a social life, so they will do anything to get you to go on a date with them! Please note: That part was a JOKE! If you lot take that seriously then no-one will send in any ads, and I`ll be out of a job... ...Ha! don`t kid yourselves, don`t you think I`ve got better things to do than listen to you wet little nerds and geeks whinge about how you haven`t got anyone to love you, I`m gonna be down the pub, drinking, leering at gorgeous babes, making lurid, suggestive comments, and having my evil way with some poor, unfortunate female. You lot are PATHETIC!!!... Oh, I do apologise, I don`t know what came over me, I`ve never been the same since I left the institute, it was all untrue you know, that incident with the two young ladies working at Binn`s. Besides, with a couple of years of therapy under their belts they`ll be as right as rain... ...anyhow, even I wouldn`t want to associate myself with any lasses who worked in Binn`s... Whatever, I digress, on with the essay... 3) The Date... The advice that I should give varies greatly, depending on where you have both chosen to meet/go, and whether you are male or female. Therefore, I shall cover the basics and cover other aspects of dating later on. I shall also include tips for men, women and people of a different persuasion. a) The Basics... i) Men DO: Let her choose the location of the date Pay for the goodies (NOT Bill Oddie, Tim Brooke-Taylor, et al, but Popcorn, Coke, Meal, Transportation, etc.) Keep quiet while she is watching the film Indulge in constructive criticism of the film`s composition, etc, once it is over... DON`T: Make her pay for the taxi to the date, and scrounge a ride off her Pick her up from her front door on your BMX (remember those?) Immediately stick your hand up her skirt/down her blouse and bawl "How about it then, darlin'? ii) Women DO: Make him feel big by pretending to trip and letting him catch you. Ask him probing questions to make him think your interested, even if you`re not! Make out your interested in football/cricket/ rugby, even if you`d rather spend an evening with Lyle Lovett rather than actually watch a match! DON`T: Wear a T-shirt saying "Come and get it, Big Boy!", even if you really are that desperate. Tell him to invest in a pair of Gossard Wonderpants, as he is gonna need all the support he can get, by the looks of the rather pitiful state of his trousers! Tell him your last boyfriend applied to be a Gladiator, but they told him he was too big. Tell him you can only become sexually aroused when you have drunk at least a pint of his blood. (Though I think that sounds quite sensual!) iii) Gays DO: Dress up like Carmen Miranda. Discuss your favourite songs by The Village People, Boy George, Erasure, and Marc Almond and Soft Cell. WATCH YOUR BACK! DON`T: Openly flaunt your homosexuality. Cinemas are usually full of other blokes, and ninety percent of those are homophobes. Of course, in my case, both my masculinity and sexuality is secure enough for me to feel okay about it, ducky! Cross-dress on a first date, some people object to that... ...can`t understand why, I do it all the time! iv) Lesbians DO: Attempt to intimidate as many men as possible. Attempt to turn on as many men as possible. Attempt to disgust as many men as possible. Attempt to insult as many men as possible. Attempt to alienate as many men as possible. DON`T: NB: There aren`t any don`ts for Lesbians, as they can get away with just about anything. (At least, THEY think they can!) v) Bisexuals NB: Bisexuals have a really hard time, as they have to follow all of the guidelines listed above. So, David Bowie, if you`re reading this, best of luck, mate! 4) Rounding Off Once the date has been concluded, it is completly up to the individual as to whether you want to invite your new-found lover `up for coffee`. This is usually dependent on how the date went... ...Oh let`s face it, however the date went, you`d better ask them up for coffee anyway, as its the only decent chance of a leg-over that a pathetic, snivelling little goit like you will get before the end of the millennia. Besides, the date will have been CRAP! What do you lot know about dating??? It galls me, it really does. Here I am, Friday night, and am I down the local pub/boozer/hostelry/inn/tavern/etc, surrounded on all sides by a choice selection of the most rodgerable females this side of Christendom? NO! I`m stuck in my bedroom, giving inconsequential maggots like you the benefit of my unparalleled experience in these (and numerous other, rather dubious and unsavoury matters. Okay, so the only young women I seem to attract are either those who are totally depraved and have a rather tenuous grip on reality, or those who are severely deficient in the sensorary department (ie blind, deaf and dumb!) but you lot are bloody lucky that someone of my obvious sexual potency is willing to even take the piss out of you in this manner, you should feel HONOURED!... ...Oops! I seem to keep having lapses of concentration and blacking out, the doctor warned me about this, I`d better sign off for this Issue and go and have a nice lie down... ...with whom, though? So many victims, er, babes, and so little time. I`ll have to go through them all aplhabetically, Alice, Anne, Beth, Charlotte. By the end of the night I`ll be all dried up, totally juiced out. LET THE DEPRAVITY BEGIN! HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!... ...Oh dear! If you are felling lonely, please send your ads to the usual address and put... ..."SAD GITS"... ...on the front of your envelope/jiffy/etc, so that we`ll know its for the lonely hearts column. I`m going to take some of my little yellow pills and have a nice, nap. TTFN, Aladdin Sane (...Both of us...!)