142


            Chaired this issue by Aladdin Sane !

    (All-round sad dude if ever I met one - Freak/NFA!)

Firstly, I would like to point out that my being a manically
depressed,  cynical,  bitter  and  twisted  bastard  has  no
connection  whatsoever  with this being my choice of subject
for  this  article.   I'm  just  so pissed off with everyone
saying  what  a wonderful world this is when it is obviously
not!   If  it  is  such  a  wonderful  place,  how  come Eva
Herzigova  isn't knocking on my bedroom door as I write this
shouting  "Oh!   come  on,  Dibz,  take  me  down to the pub
tonight,  and  then  afterwards  you  can  give  me the best
seeing-to I've ever had in the whole of the futile existence
that  I  led  before  that  wondrous  day  when  I  met you,
Snooky-wookums!"

      (Okay, so maybe I'd ask her to lose the
      Snooky-wookums bit, I just hought it was
      quite cute...)

      (...and I suppose she could lose the
      "futile existence" bit too, it was a tad
      over the top...)

      (...for that matter, we wouldn't bother
      going down to the pub either, I'd just
      skip straight to giving her a bloody
      good going-over!...)

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Please note, girls!:    I am not really this maniacal
                        where sex is concerned in real
                        life, I am actually a really
                        caring and compassionate
                        individual...

                        ...in fact I'll do any of that
                        mushy, romantic crap, so long
                        as it succeeds in getting your
                        kit off and getting you into
                        bed for a good shafting session!

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Putting  an  end  to  this  idle  chatter, i will now list a
number  of  the  main points about my existence which, to be
quite frank, really get my goat up...

...and  when  I  say  that, I mean that they get right on my
nipple-end!...



   1) How come the only girls who ever express any romantic
      interest in me whatsoever, are those who are about
      twelve years old and, furthermore, look like the
      back end of a horse (mind you, if you're into
.     bestiality, and who isn't nowadays?,  the back end
      of a horse is quite appealing!!!



   2) How come Ryan Giggs (the Bastard) is only one month
      older than I am, and yet he earns ten of thousands
      of pounds a week, and all the lasses fancy him like
      buggery.  (Did you know that he got 2,000 valentine's
      cards this year?  I got none! Unless you count the
      four I got from the Nolan Sisters (remember them?))



   3) How come I'm the only person who still takes two
      bottles into the shower?



   4) This doesn't anooy me much but it certainly worries
      me, wait for it, I've got to the stage where i'm
      beginning to understand Guiness commercials!!!



   5) Why does everybody think that Michael Barrymore is
      really funny?  Face it!  He's a PILLOCK!!!



   6) How come I always get the crap kicked out of me
      whenever I go out?  What's worse is that it makes
      a real mess of my pink bunny costume!



   7) Naomi Campbell writing a book and releasing a
      record gets on my tits, just because shes a model
      (what a demanding profession!) she thinks that
      automatically makes her a top author and lyricist!

      I DON'T THINK SO, YOU'RE JUST A TALENTLESS BIMBO!

      Mind you, nice arse!



   8) And finally, how come there's only one Monopolies
      Commission?




If  anybody else has any suggestions for possible grievances
then KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF !!!  IF I WANT YOUR OPINION, I'LL
BLOODY WELL ASK !!!

See you next time...



As ever



Aladdin Sane
(1974 - 199?)



P.S.     Eva Herzigova, if you're reading this, I'll
         be in the Cellars bar in Louth on Saturday,
         around eight, ta !


           (There, didn't I tell you - Freak...)