|1-The Return of The X Man (Ed's note: Since the last story Miss Thick, in direct contradiction with her name, has left Mr X over the now infamous car borrowing incident. In the months since then Mr X has achieved a meteoric rise through the ranks of the Conservative Party where his brand of deviancy, dishonesty and stupidity has struck a chord with backbenchers. Mr X now lives in a £450,000 house in Kensington.) 9.30am A huge, fat, globulous arsehole falls out of bed. He staggers about searching for the suit he wore the previous night and eventually finds it rolled up in the corner of the room. He wipes away the vomit that is randomly sprayed over it's surface and puts it on. 9.35am Arrives in kitchen. Sits down. Stands up immediately when he realises that he's sat on his portable Self-Abuse Enhancement Kit. He peels the bin-bag away from his arse and uses it to wipe away the remains of the orange from the chair. 9.36am Settles down for breakfast. Due to the excessive amount of alcohol he drank last night he is unable to finish the whole pig. 9.49am Searches the house for his Filofax. Runs up and down the stairs bellowing obscenities about Miss Thick for moving his stuff around. (Ed's note: Miss Thick has never visited the house.) 9.52am Front door opens and his PA, Miss Horny, walks in and goes to the kitchen, niftily avoiding the piles of whisky bottles on the floor. 9.52 and 2 seconds On the 3rd floor Mr X hears the front door open. 9.52 and 4 seconds Mr X trips as he careers down the last flight of stairs. He falls, demolishing the stairs and ending up in the cellar. Luckily he lands on his head and suffers no permanent damage. 9.52 and 6 seconds He arrives in the kitchen, bloody, out of breath and covered in dust and rubble. He strikes a nonchalant air as he greets Miss Horny who ignores him completely and lights up a cigarette. 9.53am Mr X tries to make light conversation. Attempt fails dismally. He pats Miss Horny on the shoulder in an avuncular manner and she throws up in disgust. 9.54am Mr X mops up the vomit and tries to lighten the moment by commenting on what Miss Horny had eaten before she came to the house. 9.55am Miss Horny flees to the toilet. Violent retching sounds echo around the house. 10.15am Miss Horny re-emerges, pale and trembling, from the toilet. Mr X is still clearing up the mess. (ie. he's covering it with newspaper) 10.16am Miss Horny enters the kitchen. 10.17am Miss Horny bends over to pick up her shoulder bag and Mr X takes the opportunity to pinch her bottom. |1- "Take that, you ugly b*st*rd" 10.17 and 3 milliseconds Miss Horny straightens and flattens him with a right hook followed by a straight left. Mr X ends up in the basement again. ^26^^400 11.10am Mr X wakes up and totters back up the stairs and into the kitchen. Can't find Miss Horny. Panics. 11.12am Finds Miss Horny in the next room and she informs him it is time to go to Westminster. 11.15am Mr X and Miss Horny leave the house. A reporter from The Sun collars them before they can call a taxi. Reporter: Mr X, as the newest MP in the house who also has the smallest majority, who are you backing in the leadership contest? Mr X: My full support of course goes to The Prime Minister, without whom this country would not be in the state it is now. Reporter: But do you believe it is good for the Conservative's prospects for the next general election if John Major wins the leadership contest. Mr X: I think it would be a disaster if John Major becomes the next leader of the Conservative Party... Reporter(interrupting): Surely you mean John Redwood? Mr X: That's what I said. Reporter(smirking): No, you said John Major and you'll be happy to know that it will be front page news tomorrow morning. Mr X: I most certainly did not and if you tell anybody I did I'll knock you into the middle of next week. Reporter: I'm very sorry but I have proof that you did. 11.17am The reporter produces a small tape recorder from his pocket and replays the relevant section. Mr X turns a strange hue of apoplectic red and snatches the machine from him, throws it on the floor and jumps up and down on it. 11.18am The reporter punches Mr X in the face and he falls, unconscious (again), to the floor, crushing a parked car in the process. Miss Horny rushes to his side and kicks him several times in the ribs in an unhelpful attempt to revive him. 11.19am Miss Horny gives up her attempt to wake him up. Hails a taxi and makes her way to the House of Commons with the reporter who has recovered the tape, undamaged, from the ruined machine. 11.57am Mr X wakes up as a large, flea-infested St Bernard urinates over his face. Coughing and spluttering he regains his feet and legs it down the street. 12.08pm Wheezes to a halt after four strides and flags down a cab. 12.35pm Finally manages to get in the back but is unable to close the door due to excessive girth. 12.56pm Arrives at the Houses of Parliament in time for lunch. 1.58pm Miss Horny arrives at his table where the remnants of a large herd of reindeer are being cleared away. 1.59pm Miss Horny informs him that the Prime Minister wants to see him. 2.00pm Mr X sets off for the PM's office loudly announcing to all that "John is seeking my advice about matters of state" 2.10pm Realises that he doesn't know where the PM's office is but is convinced that he will soon find it. 2.56pm Stumbles into a prominent Minister's office and interrupts him whilst he is showing his secretary how to do the horizontal Rhumba. 2.57pm Mr X hurriedly exits, thankfully the Minister was to busy with the intricacies of the dance to notice his intrusion. 3.47pm Mr X gives up his search and decides to ask one of the porters. The porter informs him that , "as any idiot should know ", the PM is at 10 Downing Street and Mr X sets off, ignoring the implied insult (he didn't understand it). 3.59pm The taxi drops Mr X off at the bottom of Downing Street. 4.00pm Policeman on duty bars his entrance into Number 10. 4.01pm Mr X shouts, screams, swears, cries and generally makes an exhibition of himself. All of which delights the press corps watching from the other side of the street. 4.09pm Policeman informs Mr X (who has collapsed in an exhausted heap on the floor) that he is not on the list of people to be admitted into the residence and that he will have to see the parliamentary secretary in Whitehall and will he kindly move on or he will be arrested for vagrancy. 5.00pm Mr X finally finds the right office in Whitehall and is given a lecture about keeping the PM waiting. Mr X responds with a lethal attack of flatulence that evacuates the building and blows out most of the windows. 5.10pm At last Mr X is in 10 Downing Street. (He doesn't know it yet, he can't find the way out of Whitehall but has managed to find the way in to Number 10.) 5.15pm Mr X opens a door and spots the PM at the far end of the room talking earnestly to a group of French businessmen. 5.16pm Mr X pushes his way through the crowd making numerous offensive and racist remarks on his way. 5.17pm He finally reaches John Major leaving a trail of extremely angry people behind him. 5.18pm Mr X says hello to John and melts his glasses with a vicious burst of halitosis. 5.19pm An expression of shock then pain crosses Mr X's face as John Major kicks him in the bollox. 5.20pm A huge, fat, globulous arsehole is mercilessy kicked, punched and spat on by twenty irate Frenchmen and one useless, grey man whose specs have been ruined. 5.45pm Exhaustion sets in and the Frenchmen stop attacking Mr X, John Major had given up well before. 5.46pm John Major calls the local skip hire firm to take Mr X away and dump him in a nearby landfill. 5.56pm The whole Civil Service working in Whitehall rolls Mr X into the street. 6.15pm A crane arrives to lift Mr X into the skip. 6.17pm During the lift one of the canvas straps break and Mr X hurtles through the exterior wall of Number 10 demolishing it completely. 6.18pm Bedlam. 6.19pm Bedlam. 6.20pm Still bedlam. 6.21pm Mr X, like some mediaeval monolith, emerges from the dust and rubble dragging John Major's severely injured body behind him. 6.22pm Mr X is surrounded by reporters and photographers. He tells them of his heroic rescue of the PM and generously re-enacts his emergence from the devestation for those photographers who missed the first one. 6.45pm Mr X hands John Major over to the paramedics. 6.46pm Mr X holds court in front of the ruined Number 10. He basks in the glory of heroic rescue. 6.48pm Cabinet ministers arrive and begin to apportion blame. They immediately realise that John Major's career as PM is over and start to mug up to the camera. 6.50pm The ministers immediately vote for Mr X to be the scapegoat for the disaster and he is besieged by newspapermen and TV cameras. 6.51pm Mr X stays true to his nature and runs for it. 6.54pm Mr X hails a taxi and makes a dash for his home. 7.20pm Mr X arrives at his Kensington address and just beats a wave of journalists to his door. 7.22pm As the clamour from the journalists increases Mr X puts on a video to distract himself. He sinks down into his easy chair and watches, blissfully content, as his home video begins. Images of a Maestro Turbo in 3 different shades of green with the turbo unit sitting proudly on the rear seat lull him gently to sleep. Fin...