D]3
P]00j:alien
]]P00 00      Americans spend much time
]]P00 01 worrying. The French say we
]]P00 02 think too much. We worry about
]]P00 03 government scandals, high taxes
]]P00 04 and savings and loan bailouts.
]]P00 05 On daytime TV talk shows we
]]P00 06 endlessly discuss topics like
]]P00 07 cross-dressing, infidelity,
]]P00 08 weight loss and anorexia. We
]]P00 09 form committees to study
]]P00 10 everything from the homeless
]]P00 11 problem to how cow belches
]]P00 12 affect the ozone layer. We
]]P00 13 just plain worry too much. But
]]P00 14 maybe -- just maybe -- we
]]P00 15 don't worry enough about the
]]P00 16 right things.
]]P00 17      For example, have you
]]P00 18 given much thought to the state
]]P00 19 of our nation's youth? I mean,
]]P00 20 aren't they dumber than they
]]P00 21 should be? And don't they waste
]]P00 22 way too much time staring at
the tube? And they look and talk so strange. And they don't have any respect
for authority. I mean, don't you ever worry that they might just turn on us?
     And what's behind the "Youth Problem", anyway? Think about it for a
moment: If you were going to take over the world these days, where would you
start? A blitzkrieg into Poland? H-Bombs over Tokyo? Submarines in the
English Channel?
     No, of course not. You'd start with the minds of the world's youth.
Especially the minds of freedom-loving American youth. You'd do your best to
turn those minds into mush. You'd turn American kids into physically weak,
complacent, fried-out little zombies.
     Then, when the time was right, you'd simply step forward and give your
command, and the hypnotized little automatons would do your dirty work for
you, acting on your subliminal suggestions, subverting their parents.
     You'd have to have a subtle, innocent-looking medium for turning their
little minds into mush. Something on which they'd focus their rapt attention
for hours at a time. Something that would keep their little hands occupied
while you fed your insidious propaganda down their optic nerves into their
malleable little brains. And the greatest irony of all is that it could even
be something that you could make their parents pay for, and pay for big.
     Of course, I'm talking about Nintendo games.
     No other theory really explains the Nintendo phenomenon. It has to be a
fiendish plot. How else could such an inferior gaming technology have moved
in and taken over so completely? I mean, a Nintendo game is 8 BITS! The game
screens look like they were laid out with Lego blocks, and the characters
move about as fast as a government clerk.
     And have you taken a good look at the controller? It looks like a Casio
electronic harmonica. It gives you even less control than an old Atari 2600
joystick, if that's possible.
     Then there's the cost. Nintendo machines cost a hundred bucks. No matter
where you go, they're a hundred bucks. The price is fixed. Who these days is
powerful enough to fix a price? And each game cartridge includes a ten-dollar
proprietary chip; that ten bucks goes right to the Nintendo Company, no
matter who makes the game. Is that a plot, or what? 
     And the games themselves are unadulterated crap. An Italian plumber as
the hero? That's even less imaginative than Saturday morning cartoons. And
the game play is all just running and jumping, trying to get keys and hammers
and such. Every game is the same. No adult would spend two minutes with one. 
Which is all part of the plan. The subliminal messages for the kids don't
kick in until minute number three! 
     If you carefully consider all the facts, I think you'll have to agree
that not even the Japanese are clever enough to have come up with Nintendo. 
The evidence points pretty conclusively to its all being a plot by Martians
to take over the earth. Why Martians? My theory is it's an economic thing. I
think the Martians, who of course are much more advanced than we, needed
someplace to dump all their old, outmoded technology. So they molded it into
Nintendo units, set up a Japanese front company, and there you are. 
     Of course, the Martian military-industrial complex, which is even bigger
and more evil than our own, jumped at the chance to turn it all into a
perverse mass mind-control experiment and planetary takeover. Some things are
just universal. In any event, I believe these evil aliens will soon unleash
their underlying plan of world conquest on an unsuspecting planet. Recent
news events point inexorably to this conclusion. Consider:
     · A studious young lad in Brooklyn, a member of his junior high school's
honor roll and described as "a good boy" by the rabbi, was bullied into
playing Nintendo games one night by members of a gang of unkempt Nintendo
fanatics. Before the night was through, his grade point average had slipped
three full points and he was mouthing back to his mother.
     · In greater LA recently, a seven-year-old boy's parents discovered him
putting a potentially troublesome dose of Ex-Lax in their Oat Bran Flakes. He
was glassy-eyed and endlessly repeating the phrase, "Get Mommy and Daddy and
you'll get Super Mario Brothers IV free!" The boy had just finished playing
the last level of Super Mario Brothers III the night before.
     · A grandmother in Oak Park, Illinois, was tied to her Barca-Lounger by
her 12-year-old punk rocker grandson --known only as Death Pixel --after she
refused to buy him the Brian Brainbasher III Nintendo cartridge. He explained
to police, "I must get to level 32 to find what The Masters wish me to do
next!"
     There are more graphic examples, but I do not wish to offend. Concerned
     with reports that Nintendo games might be harmful to our
nation's youth, the President's Council of Really, Really Smart Scientists
recently studied Nintendo games and issued a frightening, albeit nearly
incomprehensible 5,000-page report on what they found. What follows is the
most sensational quote I could put together from that Official Government
Report (lots of boring scientific stuff has been deleted for easier
readability):
     "Our nation's youth is most certainly in grave peril . . . if they
persist in playing Nintendo games . . . potentially more damaging than
self-abuse . . . mindless zombies . . . kill and maim... Inside we found lots
of dangerous-looking little electronic thingies . . . this is not just
another costly and time-consuming government study . . . Hoo, boy, were the
kids we examined ever screwed up mentally . . . And the whole enchilada is
unquestionably the work of unfriendly space aliens!"
     After reading this quote, I think you'll understand why I feel the way I
do. It's time to Wake Up America! Wake up to the threat right in your own
comfy family room! Hidden there among the phony rubber plants, slasher movie
videotapes and the gas fireplace, hooked right up to your family's very own
television set, is the greatest threat to freedom our world has ever faced! 
And if we don't do something about it soon, before these diabolical aliens
issue their deadly Final Instruction to their Hidden Army --our own kids --
well, it'll be nasty. I just don't know what might happen. But I'll bet it
doesn't involve anyone over the age of 16 waking up for breakfast the next
morning!
     Before it's too late, rip out that devilish Nintendo box and throw it
away! And tell all your friends, too. We just might be able to stop the
Martians' evil plan. But if you don't heed my warning, just don't be too
surprised if you go into the kitchen and find junior dumping a box of Rid-X
into your jar of coffee creamer! Remember, you've been warned!

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