Star Trek - Hotel Novomag --------------------------- Anyone who has recently taken a GCSE in English may recognise this. It is one of the most purile questions ever (bar every Information Systems question that has ever existed), and so had to be ridiculed in a suitable manner. It also ridicules Star Trek at the same time. Not that I'm knocking Star Trek at all, despite current episodes consisting entirely of Data's dilemmas at whether he should train his cat or not. But anyway. Here it is. Log: Captain's Log, Stardate 234324/453,56.4. We had been circling the planet Puerto Paloma Blanca, before we got a distress signal from the planet's surface inviting us to stay in their new hotel. I informed StarFleet Command of our position, before answering the signal and beaming down to the Hotel Novomag with Bones and Spock. And a few Red Jumpers. Kirk: So, this is the Hotel Novomag. Bones, use that thing, er, you know, goes "WHEEE"...er... Bones: You mean the Tricorder. Kirk: Yeah...Check out the environment. (Tricorder makes "WHEEE" sound) Bones: It says it is not instantly lethal and does not stop Tricorders working. Spock: Captain, we should "check in" to the Hotel. Kirk: And how would you know, big ears? Got some magical alien thing in your head again? Bones: You tell 'im, Jim! Spock: I looked it up on the Ship's computer, Captain. Kirk: Yeah, well...I think we should ...er... Bones: What? Kirk: Shut up! I'm thinking! (Spock shakes his head in disgust) Bones: I'm a doctor, not a...a...bugger. Shouldn't have said that yet. Log: After a few minutes discussion we decided that it would be a good idea to have a look around the hotel. Kirk: Well, I'll go this way with Bones, and Spock can go that way with the Red Jumpers. Bones: Why does Spock get the Red Jumpers. Red's my favoritw colour. Kirk: S'not a real jumper, thicky, they're these things here. (Points to security men, looking apprehensive and just a LITTLE scared) Security man: Knew I should've worn my blue jumper. Damn! Bones: I'm a doctor, not a tailor! (Kirk scowls at him) Kirk: Come on, then. Log: We investigated the perimeter, and found the following things: 1. The Hotel next to the Novomag, the Paloma Negra, apart from having a silly name, was half finished. This, coupled with the half-finished "Shopping Precinct" opposite, gave the surroundings an unfinished atmosphere which was distinctly unfinished. 2. The four, small mostly sandy beaches were infact one small beach cut into four with a small fence. They were only mostly sandy as a large Klingon Cruiser obliterated half of the beach. 3. We tried to play Mini-golf, but it meant beaming up to the Enterprise and then to the other side of the planet. We decided against this, as Chief Engineer Scott would tell us "We have nay got enuff power, Captin!" I for one could not stand this. It also meant we could not use any of the other facilities. Damn! I've always wanted to play Mini-golf. 4. We also found a small stone. One of the Red Jumpers was attemting to pull out a stone in a large brick wall, as Mr. Spock had arrived at the conclusion that to get into the Hotel we would need to find a secret entrance. The Red Jumper pulled out the stone and the wall colapsed on him. He was a good man, and I'll always remember him. I later pointed out to Spock that we did not, infact, need to find a secret entrance. We just went through the main doors. The weather has been described as "changeable", which means that by the time you have got your swimming trunks on, the pool has iced over and the oxygen in the air has turned to liquid. You could always go swimming in that, but it could be a tad cold. The night-life on the planet is noisy-I canna get any sleep, Jim, as Scotty would say. The Night Life is also a 6 foot tall armoured killing machine, called Night Life as he only comes out at night. The Fabulous Landscaped Tropical Garden Complex also gave us a shock. Not as big a shock as it gave one of the Red Jumpers, though. Bones: Jim! Look over there! It is the Rhongudulated-spliftictor of splaarn, thought to be extinct, but, it's here! There! Kirk: Where? Bones: There! Kirk: Oh, there! Spock: Where? (Kirk and Bones stare at him) Kirk: Shaddap, Big Ears. (Spock goes off to sulk) Bones: It's really there! Kirk: Yes! Er...So? Bones: It's of great medical importance! Kirk: Why? Bones: I'm a doctor, not a botanist! Kirk: You've got an answer for everything, ain't you? (Bones runs off to get it. Kirk stares intently at the plant, and recognition crawls across his face like a slug) Kirk: B...Yuech! A slug! Bones! It's the Ravernous Flinkplointed Flo...Oh, hell. (Runs after Bones) Kirk: Ha! (Performs Captain Kirk Crunch TM, and kills plant with one blow.) Kirk: Phew, that was a close one. Bones: Look! It's a security guard being eaten alive by an evil-smelling plant! Look! Kirk: Yeah, so what? Bones: It will kill him! Security Guard: Argh! Urgh! Ergh! Kirk: Well, lets rush to his rescue, if you think that it is important. Bones: Of course I do, you idiot! Kirk: That's Captain Idiot to you. (Meanwhile, the plant has shambled off and left the half-eaten carcass of the security guard) Kirk: Is he dead? Bones: I don't know! Kirk: Use that "WHEEE" thing on him. Bones: He's dead, Jim. Kirk: He was a good man and I'll always remember him. Bones: Remember who? Kirk: I don't remember! Spock: I've had an idea. Kirk: Oo, did it hurt? Spock: If we beam over to the other side of the planet, we can play Mini-golf and we won't have to beam back to the Enterprise. Kirk: A good plan! Log: We beamed around the planet, and eventually got to the other side after being stuck in traffic lights and then stopped by a policeman for going to fast. Communicator: BEEP BEEP BEEP Kirk: Kirk here. Communicator: I canna do it, Jim! Kirk: Keep at it! Bones: He canna do anything. Kirk: What are those things over there? Spock: They look like some primitive kind of craft, Captain. (Points to some Golf-buggies) Kirk: Bones, go get one! Bones: I'm a doctor, not a chauffeur! Kirk: Okay, okay! I'm going! Log: After a heated argument, it was decided that Spock should drive because he has the largest ears. Kirk: Increase speed to Warp Factor 6! (Spock puts his foot down. The speedometer reads 15 miles per hour) Spock: Sir! Enemy vessel aproaching at Warp 3! (Another buggy appears ahead of them) Kirk: 30 degrees starboard! Spock: It's still with us, sir! Kirk: Bones, go to Red Alert! Bones: WHEE! WHEEE WHEEE! Kirk: Raise shields! (Bones puts the roof up) Kirk: Ready Photon Torpedoes! Spock: Photon Torpedoes ready, Captain. Kirk: FIRE! (Spock reaches into the caddy and pulls out a golf ball. He then throws it at the other buggy) Bones: WHEEE! WHEEE! WHEEE! Kirk: FIRE! (Spock gets another ball and throws it) Kirk: A direct hit! Good shooting, Mr. Spock! (Spock looks smug) Spock: Enemy is withdrawing, Sir. Kirk: Cancel Red Alert. Bones: WHEEE! WHEEE! WH... Kirk: Open ship's communications. Bones: OOEEEOUU! Kirk: The enemy has withdrawn his attack on us. Good work, everybody! Communicator: BEEP BEEP BEEP Kirk: Kirk here. Communicator: I canna do it, Jim! Kirk: Try harder! Bones: What now, Jim? Kirk: Now?  Now, we go get drunk. Bones: An even better plan! (He grins at Spock. Spock pretends not to notice) Log: We beamed back to the hotel which was even more noisy than it had been in the morning. The workmen were working on the "Shopping Precinct" and the Paloma Negra hotel. As we walked into the bar, we noticed it was populated with rather sad old men. We did not walk any further into the bar. Instead we made what I like to refer to as a hasty retreat. I made the decision to go into the Novomag Hotel itself. It was at this point that I showed Spock the main doors. He did not say anything, and I was, frankly, relieved. Kirk: Open that door, Bones. Bones: PFFSSHT. (Pushes open door) Spock: ARGH! Kirk: My God! Bones: What?! Kirk: I don't know, but it must be bad to make Spock scream! Bones: I wish I had a Red Jumper. (Spock was already running away at what Kirk would call "Warp 9") Kirk: Let's get out of here! (They run out and join Spock, who has regained his composure) Kirk: What was it? Spock: It would be most illogical for me to tell you. Bones: Why? Spock: It just would, okay? Okay? OKAY?! (Kirk opens his communicator) Communicator: BEEP BEEP BEEP Kirk: Scotty, beam us up! Scotty: Okay, Captin! Transporter: BEAEAIUOMP. Antony Dzeryn, sometime in '95. I think.