JOKES From an ST SEWER SOFTWARE docs disk, CHRONOS LAIR BBS, & some typed in by me. Edited by PARASITE. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SKODA AND A SHEEP ??? ITS LESS EMBARRASSING BEING SEEN GETTING OUT OF THE BACK OF A SHEEP !! Two nuns were riding on their bicycles down a cobbled street. The first nun turns to the second and says "I haven't come this way before." The second nun replies "Neither have I, It must be the cobbles". There's this bloke who's driving along in his Rolls Royce, feeling rather knackered. He sees a house off the road so he turns off and goes to the house. It's a little white house and he goes up and knocks on the little white door. A woman answers the door so he says "Can I have a room for the night?" The woman replies "Sure, so long as you don't press the switch in the bedroom. So the bloke goes through the little white door, up the little white stairs, along the little white corridor and through another little white door into a little white bedroom. He goes to sleep on the little white bed for the night. The next year he's driving along the same road in his Ford Escort, again he's feeling tired and he sees the house again. He goes up to the little white house again and knocks on the little white door. He asks again if he could spend the night and the woman replies the same as before. So he goes through the little white door, up the little white stairs, along the little white corridor and through the little white door and again goes to sleep on the little white bed. The next year he's driving along in his Mini, feeling tired again. The same things happen as before and he goes to sleep in the little white bed again but he starts to get curious about the switch. A year later he's going along on his Yamaha 500. Same thing as before he goes to the house and sleeps in the little white bedroom, even more curious about this switch. A year later he's pedalling along on his bicycle. Usual thing happens he goes to sleep in the little white bedroom. This time his curiosity nearly got the better of him but he just stopped before turning on the switch. Next year he walks past this house, feeling tired again. He goes along to the little white house and knocks on the little white door. The woman answered and invites him in on the condition he doesn't press the switch in the little white bedroom. So he goes up the little white stairs, along the little white corridor, through the little white door into the little white bedroom. He decides to press the switch to see what happens. He presses the switch and ....... ... a little white light comes on. Princess Diana goes on a visit to a mental hospital.....as shes' walking around kissing lepers, aids sufferers etc. she notices a man trying to catch here attention. She walks over to him and the man very sane looking whispers in her ear "Please help me, i'm sane but the govt. got me locked up cos I'm a Militant supporter, could you have a word with your motherinlaw for me please ??" Princess Di looks shocked but acknowledges him and assures him she will. Off she walks..........as she was walking out she gets hit on the back of the head by house brick. The 'sane man' shouts "You won't forget will you ??" There was a young man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born. Nor would he have been, If his parents had seen That the end of the rubber was torn. There was a young girl whose frigidiy Approached cataleptic rigidity; Till you gave her a drink Then she quickly would sink in a state of complaisant liquidity. Pssssssssssst...............Wanna buy some half price tickets for the NEC next month........ They're for Mel & Kim !!!!!! How many policemen does it take to break an Egg? None, it fell down the stairs. Two fleas on a dogs arse......how do you know which one is a junkie...?? The one on the crack......!!! There is a whole collection of ITS A BAD DAY WHEN....... jokes such as You know its going to be a bad day when you wake up in the gutter You know its going to be a bad day when you wake up, look for the clothes you wore home from the pub.........and they aren't any one from my wife You know its going to be a bad day when you put your bra on back to front...........and it fits better anyway today when I logged on I invented another You know its going to be a bad day on the BBS when you log on and cannot spell your own name! Any more? Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts? Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can. What is organic dental floss? Pubic hair. What do you get when you cross a Jew and a gypsy? A chain of empty stores. Why do black people smell so bad? So blind people can hate them too. What are the three greatest lies? The check is in the mail, black is beautiful, and I won't come in your mouth. Why do women have two holes so close together? So you can carry them home like a six-pack. Did you hear about the Italian girl who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean glass? How do you brainwash an Italian? Give him an enema. Why wasn't Christ born in Italy? Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. How do you get an Italian out of a bath tub? Turn on the water. Why do Italians wear hats? So they can tell which end to wipe. What's the definition of a cad? An Italian who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until after she's pregnant. Did you hear about the Polock who studied five days for a urine test? Did you hear about the Italian who picked his nose apart to see what made it run? Did you hear about the Polock who thought asphalt was a rectal problem? Did you hear about the Italian who cleaned his ears out and his head caved in? Why do Polish men make such shitty lovers? Because they always wait for the swelling to go down. What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker? Hop in. This guy walks onto a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that douchebag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to but that nice young lady at the end of the bar a drink." the bartender says, "That's more like it", and he walks up the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says, "Vinegar and water." What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven. Why do Jews have such big noses? Because air is free. Why was one of Helen Keller's legs yellow? Because her dog was blind too. Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse? Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better. What do you call four niggers in a Cadillac? Grand theft auto. Did you hear that the NFL is going to use green footballs next year? Did you ever hear of a nigger dropping a watermelon? Where do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep. What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets. Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist? He had to learn how to read lips. What's green and smells like pigs? Kermit's finger. Did you ever see Ray Charles wife? Neither did he. What goes into thirteen twice? Roman Polanski. How do you break a Polock's fingers Punch him in the nose. This face seats five. Why are chickens so ugly? You'd be ugly too if you dad a pecker hanging out of your forehead. Did you hear about the Polock who thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease? What do you have when you're up to your ankles in Niggers? Afro-turf. Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don't know the words. Why don't Italians have freckles? Because they slide off. What's old and wrinkled and smells like ginger? Fred Astaire. Do you know what they have a surplus of in Atlanta? Size 4 sneakers. What's yellow and ugly and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono. Why don't they have black snow skiers? Because their lips explode at 1000 feet. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Why don't they let Polocks swim in Lake Michigan? Because they leave a ring. Where is an elephant's sex organ? In his feet; if he steps on you you're fucked. What's black and white and has three eyes? Sammy Davis Jr. and his wife. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? None. It has to be willing to change itself. Why are hockey goaltenders and Polish girls alike? They both change their pads after 3 periods. Did you hear that the Atlanta Braves are threatening to move? There's a shortage of bat boys. What do you call a gay Indian? A brave fucker. What do you get when you cross a nigger and a monkey? Nothing, monkeys are too intelligent to fuck niggers. What's Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable? James Brady. Why did God create the orgasm? So niggers would know when to stop fucking. What's another reason God created the orgasm? Because he couldn't wait for the second coming. Why don't they have ice cubes in Poland? They lost the recipe. Why does Miss Piggy use a honey and vinegar douche? Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. What's a real buddy? Someone who will go downtown and get 2 blowjobs and come back and give you one. What's black, yellow and makes you laugh? A bus load of niggers going over a cliff. Where do cocoons come from? R-R-Richmond. Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's all right. How do you save a drowning nigger? Throw him an anchor. Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be? First of all you have a head but no brains; there's a couple of nuts following you around all the time, your next door neighbor is an asshole and your best friend is a cunt. What do you call a Polish girl with half a brain? Gifted. Why do women have 2 holes so close together? In case you miss. What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland? A tourist. Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook? 100 ways to wok your dog. What do you call a black skindiver? Jacques Custodian. How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts her ankles will swell. How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear? Look for the dandruff on her shoes. Why don't niggers drive convertibles? Because their lips would flap them to death. What does a guy with a 12 inch cock have for breakfast? I usually have bacon and eggs. You know it's going to be a bad day when you get to your office and there's a 60 Minutes News Team waiting for you. Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans? Have you ever heard on a Mexican doing anything right? What's the definition of mass confusion? Father's day in Oakland. What's the ultimate reflection? When you're masterbating and your hand falls asleep. How do you tell how many Polocks live in a town? Count the cellar windows and multiply by 36. How do you kill an Italian? Smash the toilet seat over his head while he's getting a drink of water. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts this ain't gonna be no ordinary blow job. What do you call a female clone? A clunt. What's the difference between a nigger and a tire? Tire's don't sing when you put chains on them. Did you hear about the Italian who was asked to be a Jehovah's Witness? He refused because he didn't see the accident. Why do Polocks carry shit in their wallets? For identification. A Polock and a nigger jump out of a plane at the same time, who hits the ground first? Who cares? How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Blow a little googie into it. What do you call a Polock with an I.Q. of 176? A village. Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, she had so many children she didn't know what to do, so she moved to Atlanta. Why did they build the bay bridge? So the niggers could swim over in the shade. Did you hear about the queer who got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job? Did you hear about the Polish troop? They got caught in an Iranian zoo trying to free the Ostriches. What's the definition of the perfect woman? a) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mount and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it. b) The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model, she fucks all night at midnight she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack. Why do women have legs? So they don't leave snail tracks on the linoleum floor. Why is Ray Charles smiling all the time? Because he doesn't know he's black. Why don't black babies play in sandboxes? Because the cats keep covering them up. Why can't you circumcise an Iranian? Because there's no end to those pricks. Why do they call camels the ships of the desert? Because they're full of Iranian seamen. Did you hear about the queer burglar? He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator. The queer Indian jumped into the canoe, took three strokes and shot across the lake. Did you hear about the queer deaf mute? Neither did he. Why do Polocks smear shit on the walls at Polish weddings? To keep the flies off the bride. How do you get four queers on a bar stool? Turn it upside down. Why don't Polish cheerleaders do the splits? Because if they did they would stick to the floor. How do you keep 5 niggers from raping a white girl? Throw them a basketball. What does Linda Lovelace and the Bermuda Triangle have in common? They both swallow you hole. How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? Kick it to Van Ness. Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can. What do you get when you cross a nigger and a chink? A car thief who can't drive. Did you hear about the flamingos in Florida with little pink cement Italians on their lawns? Did you hear about the alligators in Florida with little Jews on their t-shirts? Define Jewish foreplay. Two hours of begging. How do you say "fuck you" in Jewish? Trust me. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that makes your mouth water. Why don't Polish women breast feed their babies? Because it hurts when they boil their nipples. Who are the suspects in the Atlanta killings? An alligator disguised as a watermelon and the son of sambo. Why did God give niggers rhythm? Because he fucked up their hair. Why do niggers wear platform shoes? To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground. Why do niggers wear wide brim hats? To keep the birds from shitting on their lips. Why do niggers wear turtlenecks? To hide their flea collars. What is the great white hope? Sickle cell anemia. What's the difference between a Polish girl and a bowling ball? If you had to, you could eat a bowling ball. Why is it groovy to be a test tube baby? Because you get a womb with a view. What do you call a black test tube baby? Janitor in a drum. What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep. Why is San Francisco like granola? Because once you get past the fruits and nuts all you have left is the flakes. Why did Helen Keller use 2 hands to masturbate? One to do it and one to moan. This nigger walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?" The parrot says, "Africa". Did you hear about the queer nail? Laid in the road and blew a tire. Did you hear about the queer Irishman? He preferred women over whiskey. What's black and shines in the dark? Oakland. Why are eggs so frustrated? Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once and you've got to boil them to get them hard. How many niggers does it take to pave a driveway? It depends on how thin you slice them. What do Floursheim and Oakland have in common? 5000 black loafers. This really conceited guy is fucking this really conceited chick and she says, "Aren't I tight?" How come the Mexican Army only used 600 Mexicans at the Alamo? Because they only had two cars. What's the difference between a Polish girl and a bowling ball? You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball. What do lesbians like more than Calvin Klein Jeans? Billy Jeans. If God hadn't meant pussy to be eaten he wouldn't have made it look like a taco You know the bartender's pissed off when you find a string hanging out of your bloody mary. Do you know how to save a nigger from drowning? "You said NO?" Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Do you think they could fit all that shit in a tennis shoe. What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman? Inserting the anchovies. Did you hear about Klu Klux Knievel? He tried to jump over 8 niggers with a steam roller. How does God make Puerto Ricans? He sandblasts niggers. How do you keep Polocks out of your backyard? Put the trash cans in your front yard. What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home? A Virgin. What's a Polish shishkabob? A flaming arrow through a garbage can. What do you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes. Why don't Italians eat fleas? Because they can't get their little legs apart. Why is there a string on the end of a tampon? So you can floss after you eat. What do you do with a dog that doesn't have any legs? Take him for a drag. Why did God make urine yellow and come white? So Italians could tell if they were coming or going. What happens if a Polock doesn't pay his garbage bill? They stop delivery. How do you know when a Polish girl is menstrating? She's only wearing one sock. How do you an Iranian girl pregnant? Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest. What has 6 legs and eats pussy? You, me and Billy Jean King. What did Jim Brady say when he was asked how he felt about his job? "I must have had a hole in my head to take this job, if I had half a brain I'd leave." What's the brown stuff between elephants toes? Slow natives. Did you hear about the new Helen Keller dolls? You wind them up and they walk into the wall. What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ. What color is a nigger when you run over him on the street? Flat black. One ovarie says to the other ovarie, "Hey, did you order any furniture?" The other ovarie says, "No why?" "There's a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in." What do you call 10 niggers on a white guy? A fair fight. What do you get when you cross a nigger and a gorilla? A dumb gorilla. Did you hear about the Polock who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed. What does it say inside a nigger's lip? Inflate to 20 pounds. Did you hear about the Polish parachute? It opens on impact. How do you know when an elephants been fucking in your garage? Your Hefty bags are missing. What do you call a prostitute without any legs? A night crawler. Why do Mexicans have such small steering wheels? So they can drive with handcuffs. Did you hear about the new war movie they're making with an all black cast? It's called "Apackolips Now". Why did Helen Keller fire her maid? Because she forgot to take the plunger out of the stool. What does an iron maiden (chastity belt) and The Detroit Tigers have in common? Rusty Kuntz. What's shinny, has lots of teeth, & protects the incredible Hulk? Parasite's zipper. People tell me my mom screwed a sheep, I said "Naaaah". Don't screw a pig, he might squeal on you. Did you hear that the KKK voted Marvin Gaye Sr. father of the year? What does J. David Dominelli and a throw rug have in common? They've both been sucked by a hoover. What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them the more English you get out of them. What do 7' basketball players do in the off season? Go to the movies and sit in front of you. What do you have when there are 100 rabbits in a row hopping backwards? A receding hareline. Why do the lions in Africa go around licking each others rear ends? To get the taste of nigger out of their mouths. What does Loretta Swit and Richard Pryor have in common? They've both had Major Burns on their face. What do Michael Jackson and the Dodgers' have in common? They both wear one glove for no apparent reason. Why are synagogues round? So the Jews can't run and hide in the corners, when the collection basket is passed around. Did you hear about the new movie starring Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor? It's called Blazing Sambos. Why did the Polock snort nutra-sweet? He thought it was diet coke. What will we have if Mondale and Ferraro get elected? 3 boobs in office. What's the definition of eternity? After he comes and before she goes home. How long is a hare on a rabbit? about 10 seconds. What do you get when you cross an Indian and a Black? Chief Running Dummy. Did you hear that Mondale is replacing Ferraro with Vanessa Williams? She already knows how to lick bush. What company is the leading manufacturer of vibrators? Cenital Electric. WHATS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN JOKES Whats the diffeerance between an opera director and a baby ? A baby sucks its fingers. Whats the diffrerance between a rotweiler and the social services ? You can get your kids back off the social. Whats the differance between the gas board an the IRA ? The IRA phone first. Whats the differance between a jew and a pork pie ? Pork pies dont scream when you put them in the oven. Whats the differance between a kiss and a blow job ? Happy birthday to me. Whats the differance between the sunday sport and the beano ? 3p. Whats the differance between a scotsman and a dumper truck ? Dumper trucks tip. Whats the differance between a drunk and an alcaholic ? The drunks don't go to the meetings. Whats the differance between my penis and an irish trawler ? Nothing, there both full of thick seamen. SKODA JOKES What do you call an open topped skoda ? A skip. How do you double the value of a skoda ? Fill the petrol tank. What do you call a skoda with an ariel ? A dodgem car. Why do skodas have engines in the back ? To keep your hands warm when you pushing it. What do you call a skoda up a hill ? Fantastic. What free gift do you get with a skoda ? A pair of hiking boots. What do you call a skoda owner ? A stupid bastard. What do you call a man without a skoda ? Lucky. Whats worse than owning a skoda ? Owning 2 skodas. MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY JOKES Mummy mummy mummy Why can't I wear a bra now im 16 ? Shut up Basil. Mummy mummy mummy Why am I walking round in circles ? Shut up or i'll nail your other foot to the floor. Mummy mummy mummy whats an orgasm ? I've no idea, ask your dad. Mummy mummy mummy its dark in here Shut up or i'll flush it again. Mummy mummy mummy is this realy how you learn to swim ? Shut up and get back in the sack. Mummy mummy mummy a strange mans fucking the aupair girl ? April fool! its only daddy. Mummy mummy mummy daddys gone out Shut up and pour more petrol on him. Mummy mummy mummy theres a man at the door with a bill Dont be silly, he must be wearing a mask. Mummy mummy mummy daddys got his dick in the biscuit tin Shut up son, he's fucking crackers. Mummy mummy mummy why are your hands so soft ? Because daddy does the washing up. Mummy mummy mummy whats a cannabal ? Shut up and get back in the oven. Mummy mummy mummy whats a warewolf ? Shut up and comb your face. Mummy mummy mummy whys daddy running across the field ? Shut up and pass another bullet. Mummy mummy mummy wheres the dog ? Shut up and eat your tea. LIGHT BULB JOKES Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 6, 1 to change the lightbulb & the other 5 to share the experiance! Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: None it's a hardware problem! Q: How many intelligant ST owners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Both of them! Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only 1, but the lightbulb must want to change! Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 125, 1 to change the lightbulb, and 124 to turn the room! Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 2, one to change the lightbulb and the other to sing about how good it was! Q: How many niggers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 6, one to change the lightbulb, and 5 to hold the sound equiptment! Q: How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A fish Q: How many ET employees does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1 to change the lightbulb, 2 to hold the ladder, 2 to supervise, 1 to drive the truck, 2 to make the tea, and 97 to stand and learn how to do it. DOCTOR DOCTOR JOKES Doctor, doctor People keep disagreeing with me No they don't. Doctor, doctor People keep ignoring me Next please. Doctor, doctor I think im a pair of curtains Pull yourself together. Doctor, doctor I think im a cricket ball Hows that. Doctor doctor I think im a billiard ball Get to the end of the queue. Doctor, doctor I feel like a pack of cards I'll deal with you later. Doctor doctor I cant feel my legs Thats because weve cut your arms off. Doctor doctor I think I need glasses This is the post office. Doctor doctor I think everyone hates me Fuck off you irritating git. Doctor doctor I cant get on with people you fat bastard. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS JOKES What do you get if you cross a rotweiler with lassie? A dog that savages your kids then fetches help. What do you get if you cross an ST owner with a terrapin ? A retarded terrapin What do you get if you cross a soliciter with a puff ? Legal aids SHORT JOKES How many ST owners does it take to use the Desktop? Two, one to hold the mouse, the other to move the monitor. How many ST owners does it take to play Shadow of the Beast 2? None, its not out on the ST. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job. What do you call a female clown ? A Clunt. What's the difference between a nigger and a tyre ? Tyres don't sing when you put chains on them. Did you hear about the Irish man who asked to be a Johoves Witness ? He refused because he hadn't seen the accident. Why do niggers carry shit in their wallets ? For identification. Did you hear about the gay who got fired from the Sperm Bank ? He was caught drinking on the job. What's the perfect definition of a woman ? a) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth and her head is flat so you can put a beer on it. b) The Sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. c) The economy model fucks all evening and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack. Why does Ray Charles smile all the time ? Because he doesn't know he's black. Did you hear about the gay burglar ? He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator. Did you hear about the gay Indian ? He jumped into his canoe, took three strokes and shot across the lake. How do you get four gays on a bar stool ? Turn it upside down. Why don't black cheerleaders do the splits ? Because if they did they would stick to the floor. Why do blacks wear wide brimmed hats ? To keep the birds from shitting on their lips. Why do blacks wear platform shoes ? To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground. What do elephants use for tampons ? Sheep. How do you say "FUCK YOU" in Jewish ? "Trust Me". Define Jewish foreplay. Two hours of begging. What do you get when you cross a nigger with Bo Derek ? 10 of spades. Why don't Irish people eat pickles ? Because they can't get their heads into the jars. Why don't Italians eat fleas ? Because they can't get their little legs apart. How do you get an Iranian girl pregnant ? Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest. Why did God make urine yellow and come white ? So the Irish could tell if they were coming or going. What has six legs and eats pussy ? You, me and Billy Jean King. What's the brown stuff between an elephants toes ? Slow natives. What's better that roses on you piano ? Two lips on your organ. What do you get if you cross a nigger with a gorilla ? A dumb gorilla. What does it say inside a nigger's lip ? Inflate to 20 PSI. Did you hear about the new Irish parachute ? It opens on impact. Why do niggers have such small steering wheels ? So they can drive with handcuffs on. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza ? A pizza doesn't screen when you put it in an oven. Did you know that the Chalenger astronauts had dandruff ? They left there Head & Shoulders all over America. Why do Jews have such big noses ? Air is free. Why did the nigger trade in his wife for a toilet ? Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better. What did Adam say to Eve ? "Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets." Why don't Italians have freckles ? They slide off. What do you have when you're up to your ankles in niggers ? Afro Turf. How do you stop a nigger from spitting ? Turn the oven down. What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers ? Fred Astaire's face. What's yellow, ugly and sleeps alone ? Yoke Ono. What weighs 10 pounds and didn't get plucked last christmas ? Roy Orbison's Guitar. Why don't they have any black snow skiers ? Because their lips explode at 1,000 feet. Where is an elephant's sex organ ? In his feet. If it steps on you, you're fucked ! Why are Ice Hockey goalkeepers and West Indian girls alike ? They both change their pads after three periods. What do you get if you cross a nigger and a monkey ? Nothing. Monkeys are too intelligent to fuck a nigger. Why does Nancy Reagen always climb on top ? Because Ronny can only fuck up. Why did God create the orgasm ? So niggers would know when to stop fucking. Why don't they have ice cubes in Ireland ? They lost the recipe. What's a real mate ? Someone who'll go into town and get two blow jobs, and come back & give you one. What's black and makes you laugh ? a bus load of niggers going over a cliff. How do you save a drowning nigger ? Throw him an anchor. What do you call an Irish girl with half a brain ? Gifted. Why do women have two holes so close together ? In case you miss. What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland ? A tourist. How can you tell if a woman is wearing underwear ? Look for dandruff on her shoes. Why don't niggers drive convertables ? Their lips would flap in the wind and slap then to death. What's the ultimate rejection ? When you're wanking and you're hand falls asleep. How do you tell how many niggers live in a town ? Count then windows of cellars and multiply by 36. How do you kill a West Indian ? Smash a toilet seat over his head when he's taking a drink of water. What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with an erection ? He breaks his nose. How many blacks does it take to pave a driveway ? Depends on how thin you slice them. What's the difference between a black girl and a ten pin bowling ball ? You can only stick three fingers in a bowling ball. You know the barman's pissed off when you find a string hanging in your Bloody Mary. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ? Do you think you could fit that much shit in a tennis shoe. Did you hear about the Klu Klux Knieval ? He tried to jump over 6 niggers with a steamroller. How does God make Puerto Ricans ? He sandblasts niggers. Did you hear about the homosexual who left home because he didn't like the way he way being reared. Why don't blanks have cheque books ? Because it's hard to sign your name with spray paint. What is organic dental floss ? Pubic hair. Why do blacks smell so bad ? So blind people can hate then too. Why do women have two holes so close together ? So you can carry then home like a six pack. How do you brainwash an Irishman ? Give him an enema. Q. Why did the girl fall off the swing? A. Because she didn't have any arms Q. What do you call a girl run over by truck? A. Patty Q. What has 4 wheels and flies? A. A corpse in a wheelchair Q. Why did Hitler commit suicide? A. He couldn't afford his gas bill Q. Why can't Jews eat Germans? A. Because they give them gas Q. Whats the funniest thing you can do at an old peoples home? A. Wax the steps and scream FIRE Q. How can you tell when you've passed an elephant? A. The toilets blocked Did you know that 98% of constipated people dont give a shit ? Irish Policechief: "Got away did he? I thought I told you to cover all exits" Sergeant: "I did, He must have escaped through one of the entrances" I knew an Irishman who tried to write happy birthday on a cake, but he ruined it putting it into the typewriter. Two Irishmen speeding down the motorway at 100 mph "Hey" asked the driver, "seen any cops following us?" "Yup." "Shit... are his beacons flashing?" The passenger turned back thought it over and answered "Yes.. No... Yes... No... Yes...." How about the paddy who phoned up the camera store and asked if they hired out flash bulbs. Two paddies walking down the street one says "Look at that dead bird". His mate looks up in the sky and says "Where?" 1st Irishman:Have you ever read Shakespeare? 2nd Irishman:Nope, who wrote it? Q. Whats' the difference between an ST port and a turd? A. It takes more effort to release a turd. Bert: Err, Frank, Have farts got lumps in them? Frank: No... Bert: Then I've just shit myself Q. Why did Robin Hood steal dosh from the rich? A. Because the poor hadn't got any Q.Hear about the tramp who put odour eaters in his shoes? A.He took 3 steps and disappeared Q. Wot happened to the man who couldn't tell putty from porridge? A. His intestines fell out. Q.Wot yer call an Ethiopian wiv a feather stuck up his ass? A.A dart Q.Whys the Ethiopian school day so short? A.They skip lunch Q.What do yer call an Ethiopian in a fur coat? A.A pipe cleaner LEPER JOKES Q. Did you hear about the new scheme for Leper colonies? A. Government handout's Q. Why did the Irish Leper go to the Ammo depot? A. To see if he could buy some arms Q. Did you hear the new Leper theme songs? A. "Put your head on my shoulder" and "I want to hold your hand" Q. Hear about the new scratch an sniff cards for Lepers? A. They include a nose Q. Why was the Leper kicked out the relay team? A. He lost the last the last leg GENERAL JOKES Why wasn't Christ born in the U.S.A. ? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. Why do the Irish wear hats ? So they know which end to wipe. Did you hear about the Irishman who studied five days for a urine test. Why did God give niggers big dicks ? Because he fucked up their hair. How do you get 4 elephants in a mini? two in the front seat, and two in the back seat. How do you know if there are two elephants hiding in your fridge? You can't shut the door How do you know if there are four elephants hiding in your fridge? Theres a mini parked outside how do you start a teddy bear race? Marry one & have children What do you call a boomerang that dosen't come back? A stick How do you know if your sisters having her period? Your dads dick tastes funny. Whits the definition of an organ gringer? Grit in a durex Why do elephants have big ears? Because noddy won't pay the ransom. Why do elephants wear brown shoes? So they can walk upside down in chocolate mousse without being seen. Do you know what virgins eat for breakfast? Ha! thought so. Two South Africans talking.... Did you know that Archbishop Tutu was dead? I didn't even know he was arrested. Why don't worms have balls? They can't dance Bill & Ben walk into a bar... Bill: Libu sloba flobber Ben: I'll get these, youre too pissed. Why do elephants have four feet? Because six inches would look stupid Landlord: I've come to raise the rent Student: Thank goodness, because I can't. How do you know when your rubber doll needs replacing Her nose starts running. How do you make a dead baby float? one scoop of ice cream, and one scoop of dead baby. How do you make a soccer coach out of Brian Clough? Take out his teeth and put 24 seats in. How do you know if elephants are hiding in a tree? Theres a mini parked below it. How do elephants hide in cherry trees? By painting their balls red. Whats the loudest noise in the jumgle? A giraffe eating cherries. Notice in church... Members of the congrigation are reminded that the box marked for the sick is for monitery contributions only. Whats green, eats nuts, and drives a chariot? Ben Herpes Whats 200 yards long and eats cabbage? A meat queue in Poland. What goes baa baa BANG? A Falklands sheep. As one trappist monk said to the other " !" What do promiscuous angels get? Harpies Why do australians call Castlemane XXXX? They can't spell beer. Why do you put babies feet first into mincers? So you can see their expressions. Tim: Come on, lets have some fun! Liz: But I'm only 13 Tim: Thats OK I'm not superstitious. Whats big, red, and weight two tons? An inside out elephant. How do you tell if any jelly babies are illigetimate? Turn the bag upside down, and all the bastards fall out. Bob: Do you fancy a fuck? Lyn: No! Bob: Will you lie down while I have one. Did you hear about the Irish back-street abortionist? He had to give it up when his ferrit died. Whats red and green and lies in the gutter? A battered snotter. Whats black, white and red and hange srom the celing? A nun on ameat hook. Notice in scottish golf club.... Will members please note a golf ball is not lost until it stops rolling. Whats pink and hard? A pig with a switchblade. Whats yellow and dangerous? A dangerous yellow thing. Why do trafic wardens have a yellow stripe round their hats? To stop peaple parking on their heads. Did you hear about the man who took his grilfriend out in the fog and mist? Why do they call the camel the ship of the desert? Pecause it's full of arad seamen. I lost both my parents whan i was four, That was one hall of a cardgame! A man in court charged with bestial acts on dogs.... Judeg: You discusting pervert, how low will you stoop? Man: Dachshuns. Did you hear about the baker who went out of business Because he didn't use his loaf? What do you get if you cross a great dane with a foot pump? A dog that can realy put the wind up postmen. The Seven dwarfs where in the bath feeling happy Happy gets out so they feel sneezy instead. You know it's cold when the local flasher jumps out and describes himself to you. Did you hear about the man who ate 10 bowls of cornflakes? He died of sunstroke. What's yellow,red and flat? A Chinese Student. How do you get 50 Liverpool Supporters in a mini? Get the Police to open the doors. How do you make a sausage roll? Push it down a hill. How do you get 50 jews into a phone box? Tell them 10p is stuck in the slot. How do you get 50 jews out of a phone box? Tell 'em it's a new form of gas chamber. Whats 6 foot underground, mouldy, full of worms and has three million worshippers? The Ayatollah Khomeni. Did you hear about the Lepers playing poker? One threw in his hand. The other laughed his head off. Did you know that New Zealand is the only cuntry where you can go into a Veenus shop and buy a blow-up sheep ?? Did you hear about the guy that scored a great looking girl and took her home. But nothing happened. She told him that she would only go to bed with a man that had an 8 inch dick. So he threw her out. Why, asked his friend. He said I'm not cutting 3 inches off for any women. Did you here about the irish man that took his wife to an orgy? He thought it was a B.Y.O. What is an irish feminist? A girl who kick starts her own vibrator and rolls her own tampons. Did you hear about the two abo's on That's Incredible? One had a job and the other didn't drink. Did you hear about the Irish Cock Sucker ? He choked to death on the feathers. FAMOUS PEOPLE Whats the difference between Britt Ekland and Ayers Rock? Not everyones climbed on top of ayers rock. What's the difference between Joan Collins and a bowling ball? You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball. What have Nikky Lauda and Hot-Lips Hoolihan got in common? They have both been fucked by Major Burns. What would it take to get the Beatles back together? Three bullets. What's red and white and lies in the gutter? John Lennon. What do you call a dog with Wings? Linda McCartney. What's black and smells like fish? Teena Tuna. How did AIDS get into America? Up the Hudson. What have Rock Hudson and Mahammed Ali got in common? They have both been badly battered around the ring. Why did they lie Rock Hudson face down in his casket? So his friends could recognise him. Why does Nancy Reagan climb on top for sex? Because Ronnie can only screw up. Did you hear about Ronald Reagan's bowel transplant? The bowel rejected him. What does Boy George have for breakfast? Smack, Crackle, Pop. What's the difference between mother Theresa and a rubber tyre? Ever had mother Theresa go down on you? JOKES GUARENTEED TO OFFEND. What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in your bath? Throw in your washing. What does it say on a negro epileptic's ID card? Help, I'm not break dancing. What do you give a deaf, dumb and blind Thalidomide victim for Christmas? Cancer. What turns a nine stone weakling into a 16-stone man of steel? Polio. What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave? Getting the wheelchair through the door. Did you hear about the spastic who won a disco competition? He only got up to get a drink. What's endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. What's black and bumps into pianos? Ray Charles. Did you hear about the Hellen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she walks into walls. Why didnt Helen Keller change her baby's nappies? So she could always find him. Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas? It was the roughest book he'd ever read. Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them too. Did you hear about the chap who ordered a tonne of mallee roots? Two days later, a bus pulled up and out hopped a team of Aboriginal marching girls. What are three things that you cannot give an Abo? A black eye, a fat lip, and a job. What's white and comes in a black box? Roger Cawley. What does an Aboriginal call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. What's the similarity between an Abo's cunt and the Murry river? They have both got big red gums. Or the similarity between an Abo's cunt and a cricket bat? Well, if you really try, you can eat the cricket bat. Why is it that seagulls fly upside down over Italy? Because the Italians aren't worth shitting on. What's the difference between a Jew and an apple pie? The apple pie doesn't scream when it's put into the oven. How do you get 500 Vietnamese into a Jam jar? Tell them it floats. What's the definition of ecstasy? Screwing a pregnant woman and being sucked off by the feetus. Who invented the female body? The Board of Works - who else would put a playground next to a sewer. How does a French girl hold her lover? By the ears. What's got more holes than a crumpet? Snow White's hymen. Why did Snow White remain a virgin? Because all the dwarfs are fucking dopey. What's the similarity between a tortoise and a girl? When there on there backs, they are both fucked. What's the similarity between a frying pan hanging on the wall and a girl's knickers? You have to pull them down to get the fat into them. Why can't you circumsize Sir Joh? Because there is no end to the prick. Did you hear about the guy with 5 pricks? His jocks fitted him like a glove. Why don't the Irish have haemorhoids? Because they are all perfect arseholes. Did you hear about the female Irish parachutist? She pulled the wrong cord and bled to death. What do you get if you cross a gurilla with an Irish man? A retarded ape. What happend to the Irish woman who bought a vibrator? She smashed her teeth in. What's the definition of gross ignorance. 144 Irish men. What's the fastest game in the world? Pass-the-parcel in an Irish pub. Did you hear about the Irish parachute? It opens on impact. What happens to an Irish man who picks his nose? His head collapses. What is the easiest job in Ireland? Intelligence Officer in the Irish army. What is the most dangerous job in Ireland? Riding shotgun on a garbage truck. What is the smallest room in Ireland? The Irish hall of fame. In what section of the paper do they print Irish obituaries? Under Civic improvements. Why does an Irish man wear a hat when he's having a shit? So he knows what end to wipe. What do you call an Irish paratrooper? Air pollution. What do you get if you pour hot water over an Irish man? Instant shit. Did you hear about the Abo's carrying the coffin up the hill? They were going black-burying. What goes black, red, black, red, black, red, white? An abo wanking. Why did God give women legs? So they don't leave snail trails. What's the difference between Bernard King and the space shuttle Challenger? Bernard King teaches cooks. What was the worst thing about the Challenger disaster? It only killed seven Americans. What were they drinking aboard the doomed shuttle mission? Seven-Up with a dash of Teachers. What's black and runs across the dessert at 180KPH? An Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher. What do you call an Ethiopian with a rat? A Vegetarian. What do you call an Ethiopian with two rats? A caterer. What's a fart in Ethiopia? A status symbol. What's the best thing about a blowjob from an Ethiopian woman? You know she'll swallow. Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquakes? It did 100 Million dollars worth of improvements. What do you call an Ethiopian in Mexico City? A stick in the mud. Who killed more Indians than John Wayne? Union Carbide. End.