Hi dudes!

Here  is  Warrior  of  the  Wasteland  of  German Front.  Did you ever read the
Badenkurier?   The  ultimate German satiric magazine.  No??  Poor guy.  In some
time  you  can  read  it  on  disk.   (No, the German Front News 11 hasn`t been
released  in  August.   You  could  read  this  rumour in the last issue of Top
Secret.   It  was really top secret, though we didn`t know that our diskmag had
been  released.   Sorry.) For those who can`t wait for this new genious work of
art,  here  is  an excerpt according to the desire of the huge fan crowd of our
beer  tests.   OK.   Now  it`s time to leave for me, cause I dislike beer.  Now
it`s  time  for  the  great  Bruce  `Agent` Wilson of CKS, the publisher of the
Badenkurier and experienced certificated Beer Tester.  It`s your turn, Bruce.

Ehmm,  so,  for  those  about to drink and fuck!  Hi you Autibianchis!  Here is
Bruce  `Agent`  Wilson of CKS, the great Canadian kangaroo!  We of CKS consider
it  as  our  duty  (due to our metallic livers) to show other beer-drinkers the
right  path  to  the best beer.  So we decided, without taking care of costs or
work,  to determine the best beer in a gigantic test.  We will test three types
of beer in every turn, till we got´em all, or till we are all fucked up.

The testing conditions:
Bruce  Wilson  and Chemical Deputy drink 6x0,33l each in a 60 min limit (that´s
one  beer  in  10 minutes, which is the performance of an CKS-proofed-drinker).
But  first, the physical characteristics of each beer are tested, e.g.  optical
beauty   and   smell.    After   30min.   the  nut-echo  is  tested  with  some
reaction-tests.   At  this  point  we would like to thank our bad-breath-tester
Fisch who is still in coma.

The  test  of  Alpirsbacher  Klosterbräu was only done by Bruce Wilson, because
Chemical Deputy was still suffering from poisoning caused by Hansa Pils.

If  someone  is interested in empty bottles he can order them with order number
666035  at  PLK  080 424 E, W-7500 Karlsruhe 1, Germany.  As long as the stocks
are filled.

Here are the results: 
³HANSA PILS 
¹
Taste                  **
Appearance             *************
Smell of beer          *****
Quality                **
Ability of frothing    *************
Froth-duration         *******
Digestibility stomach  *
Belch-factor           *************
Smell of piss          ********
Smell of beer-fart     *************
Pleasure of drinking   **
Nut echo after 30 min  *****
Nut echo after 60 min  *********
Nut echo after 90 min  **********
Morning-nut            *************
Smash-factor           *************
Bad breath             ********
Price/result-proport.  *************
State of test person   dead

OVERALL MARK:          ***

Never  had  such  a  horrortrip  in my life before after having drunk beer.  My
stomach  got a total black out.  Horrible.  You get a huge nut and it`s tasting
like Wilson`s old socks.

Tester: Chemical Deputy of CKS


³ALPIRSBACHER PILSNER
¹
Taste                  ****
Appearance             ******
Smell of beer          ***
Quality                ****
Ability of frothing    ************
Froth-duration         *****
Digestibility stomach  **********
Belch-factor           **
Smell of piss          *************
Smell of beer-fart     *************
Pleasure of drinking   ***
Nut echo after 30 min  *
Nut echo after 60 min  **
Nut echo after 90 min  ****
Morning-nut            ******
Smash-factor           ***
Bad breath             *******
Price/result-proport.  *****
State of test person   still living

OVERALL MARK:          ****
You  can drink what you want but you won`t get blastered.  The taste isn`t
very amazing.  Better forget it.

Tester: Bruce `Agent` Wilson of CKS


³COCA COLA¹

Taste                  **************
Appearance             *****
Smell of beer          *
Quality                *
Ability of frothing    ************
Froth-duration         *
Digestibility stomach  **********
Belch-factor           **
Smell of piss          *
Smell of beer-fart     *
Pleasure of drinking   ***************
Nut echo after 30 min  *
Nut echo after 60 min  *
Nut echo after 90 min  *
Morning-nut            ****
Smash-factor           *
Bad breath             ***************
Price/result-proport.  **
State of test person   okay

OVERALL MARK:          *

Never  drunk  such  a  strange  beer  before.  Really strange.  I guess it
wasn`t brewed according to the German Beer Cleaness Act.  It doesn`t taste
bad but it`s completely unusuable as a premium beer.

Tester: ³Bruce Wilson + Chemical Deputy¹