<>@2 /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ *4@3 PISS OFF YOUR GIRLFRIEND! *3]5@7 by Skidz / A51 (It wasn't me - Honest!) *1]1@2 \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ @1 After reading The Hitman's listing on this subject in an issue of Grapevine, I decided to add to his thirteen ways of Pissing Off Your Bird! This was gonna be sent into Grapevine yonks ago, but I never got around to it, so here it is for you in Beyond The Frontier. This article is about two years old and I've matured quite a bit since writing it, but it gave me a laugh when I found it still on my HD after all this time! It's simple, sick, fun and probably very immature, ]5but who cares?]1 If you are easily offended, please do not read any further!!! 01. Just after you have stripped and are ready to jump into the sack with the female of your choice, ask her if she would like to sniff your pants! (Make sure that you have them in your hand.) This should really put her off having sex. 02. When you go to meet her parents for the first time, tell her dad that his daughter is the best shag that you have ever had. (Worse still, tell him that he should try her out himself!!!) 03. Don't buy her anything for her birthday. Do not see her on her birthday. Instead, go down the pub and get pissed! (Make sure that you are in the pub with her best friend.) The news will soon get back to her. 04. Tell her that you think her mum has a great pair of tits and that you wouldn't mind having them sandwich your knob! 05. When you are in the middle of a shag, start saying this line over and over: ]5"I'm coming, I'm coming."]1 Then, burst into song with the Prince hit single Alphabet Street! (e.g. I'm coming down to Alphabet Street. Etc.) 06. Keep a porno magazine under your pillow. When you are in the middle of a shag, whip it out and flip through the pages. Take over the job yourself! (You'll probably enjoy it more!) 07. Don't buy her a stuffed toy for Valentine's Day. Give her a tube of toothpaste and tell her that her breath stinks! Don't kiss her until she brushes her teeth. 08. Next time she comes to your door, pick up the phone and pretend to be talking to your ex. When she enters your house, just ignore her and keep mentioning your ex's name during the phoney phone call. 09. Write bad things about her in a diary and leave it under your pillow. She's bound to find it one day and read it. (Shocking!) 10. Never let her get interested in your computer! She will soon get jealous of you being with it everyday. 11. Go into the kitchen and open the washing machine. Grab some clothes (mix colours with whites) and stick them inside. Shout on your bitch and ask her if you are doing it correctly. While she sorts it all out, go and sit on yer arse in front of the TV and at the same time, tell her to bring you a beer from the fridge! 12. If you are out for a meal, eat as much as you can and then when the bill arrives on the table, tell your bird that you have to go to the loo. Then you sneak out of the place and leave her to pay. She will sit there for ages waiting on you first though! (Trust me!) 13. Buy a pair of tickets to her favourite band's next concert. Keep one for yourself and give the other to her best friend. 14. When you are in her house, shit in the pan making sure that you hit the sides of the bowl. Don't flush it! Leave it for her to clean up! 15. Look through her record and CD collection and pick out her favourite album. Scratch it as much as you can using a key. This will really piss her off! 16. Next time that you are in town with her doing the shopping, keep moaning at her that you are fed up. She will soon decide to go home. She will be really pissed off if she didn't get what she wanted! 17. Leave a porno video in your machine. Next time you are in the middle of a shag, press play on your remote control to start the video, get off your bird and have a wank whilst watching the porno! 18. Phone her up late at night and tell her to get ready as you want to take her out to somewhere special as a surprise. Pick her up in about an hour. She will have spent that hour getting made up. Then take her to your friends house where you and your mates sit on your arses and watch porno movies. It might not be special for her, but it's special for you - and that's what matters! Right? 19. When you are on holiday (without your bird) get as many photo's taken with yourself and some females in them as possible. When you get home, show her what a good time you had. Works better if you have a video camera recording you with loads of birds shagging you! This may only happen to good looking cunts like myself! 20. The next time your bird says she is going out with her mates at the weekend, find out where she is going. You invite another bird out and take her to the same place where your bird is going to. I don't think she'll be too happy to see you there with another bird snogging you! I never said it was funny! Annnnywaayyy! (Don't start all that!) If you can come up with some more ways to piss off yer bird, send them into the editor at the usual address. I'm away to cut all her hair off while she's sleeping! What a laugh she'll have when she wakes up in the morning ---- ]3SNIP!]1