<>@4 /-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/- *4@5 MORNING GLORY *3]5@6 by Mike Richmond *1]1@4 -/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/ @1 7.28 AM. Semi darkness, semi awake. His mind wanders. ]5 "It gets you eventually. Everyone, no matter how much you kid yourself, kid others: You'll succumb in the end and you will ]7change]5. Maybe you'll "grow up", maybe you'll turn into a gibbering child. Maybe you'll unlock previously hidden areas of your mind. Maybe you'll lose your creative instincts altogether. You've spent your whole life wanting it, and when it stops you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you could still get it. Maybe you're better off without it, you think, but maybe you're wrong. You're dying for it and you're worried you'll be the only person in the world to die a virgin." ]1 He turns over onto his back, trying to avoid crushing himself on the way. ]5 "They say your testosterone levels are highest in the morning. Do you think they're right...? Well, it certainly looks like it... "Up" early this morning, eh?" ]1 He realises his head hurts. ]5 "Headache? Over celebrating last night? No. Drowning your sorrows, perhaps. That was the best chance you've had and you wasted it, didn't you. Another half an hour and you'd have been in her knickers for sure." ]1He shakes his head, trying to get the unwanted thoughts out of his head. A record he heard yesterday is going around and around in his head, in perfect stereo. ]5 "Why did you have to act like such a twat? Why does shouting and swearing and laughing and singing and acting confident always have to be so important? Why do you have to hide away from yourself? Why did you walk back after bowling a strike in ecstasy, look her in the eyes then walk away and sit with your head in your hands, wondering, hoping. You've got to help yourself. No other fucker's going to waste their time on you." ]1 The distant sound of a dog barking hits his ears, and he almost climbs out of bed. Then the voice starts to speak again. ]5"Of course, she wouldn't really be interested, anyway. No way. She was too attractive, too tall. Wouldn't want to provoke her boyfriend, would you. You're only acting like this because he has beaten you to it. You don't want to accept what you are. You laugh at those who have found happiness but only to cover up your hatred. You're jealous. You're jealous and you can't take it. You can't fucking take it that you really ]7are]5 what you think you are. You have become what you always knew you were but tried to pretend you weren't. You sad, sad, sad bastard." ]1 Vaguely, he wonders if everyone else hears the voice, if everyone else hates themselves as much as his mind does. ]5 "They all think you're such fun, don't they. But it backfires, doesn't it. ]5It's so easy to hide behind a frivolous mask that your true self is lost forever. It's all very well being quick-witted, always the first to find humour in a situation, always happy to shout daft words and act like an idiot but what do you do when you're alone, other than regret it. You don't seem serious so they don't treat you as if you are. And then you wonder why they never tell you anything. Why should they - as far as they're concerned you don't give a shit. You'd probably just laugh at them. You're a fucking waste." ]1 His arm is trapped under his body and he can't feel it properly. He moves it. The sheets move with his body, sticking to his sweat-dampened legs. ]5 "Kill yourself. It's easy. You've got a knife hidden under your bed. Just a few cuts and it'll all be over. It didn't hurt the last time, and you only have to cut a little bit deeper and you won't feel a thing. Kill yourself. Go on, teach them a lesson." ]1 A droning vacuum cleaner pierces the whistling silence. ]5 "Or are you just going to lie back like that and toss yourself off, you don't want to waste a good opportunity, do you?" ]1 Almost audibly, he tells his mindvoice to fuck off. The clock reads 7.30. He lets out a deep breath through his nose. Somebody walks into the room, climbs into his bed, kisses him softly. At 11.30 he wakes up. Alone. @6]5 (Approx. 700 words)