A Manifesto by

|1-The Lard Arse's Political Division



         Our Slogan is "Our eyes aren't as big as our bellies".

                    Aladdin Sane/iNDi (Chair Person)
                           Freak/NFA (Bursar)
                  Pex le Sex/QuI (Keeper of the Jelly)

We, the resident members of the L.A.P.D, in order to form a more perfect
union,  hold  these  three truths to be self-evident.  That each man has
certain inalienable rights, allowing him to eat far too much, indulge in
practically no exercise whatsoever, and be a particularly FAT BASTARD!

Our  Manifesto  has been carefully thought through, and upon receiving a
mandate  from  the  electorate  we  would  put  the  following proposals
forward;

|1-Home Affairs



That  a Bill be put through the House making it illegal to sell trousers
with a waist of less than 38" without a licence.

That  persons  of  pensionable  age  be  barred from taking advantageous
positions  in  the queues of any delicatessen's or baker's outlets where
such  a  position  may  put a circumferencially challenged person behind
them, thus causing such a person to be kept from their purchases.

All  persons  above the minumum weight catagory be given government help
in  the  form  of grants and vouchers for use in all chip shops, and all
other   retailers   of   fried  food,  supermarket  (sweets  and  crisps
department)  and other main places found with a massive stock of lard in
their storeroom.

A  central  help  line be set up that people may call in confidence with
problems  reaching  their  target weight.  Specially trained councillors
will  be  on hand to deal with the surge of people who will be unable to
reach their desireable weight, due to lack of excessive indulgences, and
a willingness to eat health foods.

|1-Educational Policy



Milk  will  be re-introduced at all levels of education up to University
to  encourage acceptable eating at an early age.  The milk will be full-
cream and flavoured with either Strawberry or Banana (Chocolate has been
withdrawn  due to it's low sugar suspension level) and each 250cl bottle
will  contain  the recommended daily amount (RDA) of Sugar and Fat for a
football team.

The  rating  system  for  GCSE and 'A' level grades will be staggered to
take  into account the waistline of the attending student.  Students who
arrive  below  the  minimum weight will be penalised accordingly, with a
handicap of one grade per kilo below the recommended minimum weight.

That  stress-reduction  excercises  be  made compulsory in all education
levels up to and including University degree.

|1-Foreign Policy



No person under the minimum weight may enter the country before agreeing
to  go  on  a strict weight gain plan.  This involves getting registered
with  one  of  our many to be set up groups especially trained for this.
Then  regularly  checking  the  persons for weight gain, and if they are
found to be under achieving then they will be forced to be deported.

Any person representing Britain in either a Political or Business manner
shall  far  exceed the minimum weight level in order to show all visited
countries that we are a nation united.

|1-Defence Policy



In times of war, all stocks of high fat/sugar foodstuffs will come under
the  direct  control  of the central government for rationing throughout
the  overweight  community.  This will allow the government to alleviate
any  potential hoarding of such foodstuffs which could, in time, lead to
deserving persons losing weight unecessarily.

As  an  invasion  counter-measure it is proposed that the Rapier missile
bases around the country be replaced with the newly developed propulsion
confectionary  missile  systems  which  will bombard any advancing enemy
troops  with  an  array of sugar-based foodstuffs.  It is suggested that
this  will  convince  more of the enemy's forces to abdicate and to join
our  side for the duration of the conflict, failing that it has recently
been  proved that this will tempt enemy soldiers to retire from fighting
and sit and consume available flak/fallout.

|1-Party Goals



That Britain be brought to the fore of the Lard Devlopement and that Fat
Persons  be  recognised  into the European Community as not just another
Social  minority but as a superior race.  We also intend to demolish the
excess  EEC  Cheese,  Wine, Apple and Butter stocks withing two years at
minimal cost to the EEC.

signed:

Aladdin Sane/iNDi   -   May your lard never melt
Freak/NFA           -   Wibble Wobble Wibble Wobble Jelly on the Plate
Pex le Sex/QuI      -   Master of the One Finger Wobble!

-EOF-