|1-Cricket - Why It is NOT Boring, honest... By Pex le Sex / QuI Cricket is just one of those sports that you either really like or really detest. Well as a 5 times a week man (cricket that is, worst luck because no-one loves me) I am here to persuade all you folk into at least giving it a go before dismissing it out of hand (or in hand in my case as young ladies don't want it in their hands heheheheheh). One of the terms I come up against (ooer missus) more often than any other is "I would probably like it if I understood the rules better and knew what it was all about". I will try and explain it so you can all know what I am on about. |1-Howzat...Not Out You have 2 teams of 11 people and they both have to bat and bowl at least once and at most twice. The game commences when 2 men come out to bat and they are in when they are out. When one gets out then he comes in and the next man goes out to then become in. This is repeated upto 10 times as the various men (sorry for the sexist remarks ladies but that is the terminology) go out as they are in. You are only allowed to be out and therefore in once per innings and you must NOT put disguises on or pretend to be a long lost twin brother in order to get another bat as you didn't do very well first time around. That is naughty. When all the batsmen have been in and therefore out and have gotten themselves out and had to come in then the other team repeats the situation as above. When both teams have both been in and out then the team with the most runs is declared to be the winner. See it is easy when you think about it. There are other rules that are different leagues. For example you are not declared the loser if the opposing team do not get all of you out. You have gained a losing draw although you do not gain any points for doing so. You may restrict the other team to a fraction of the winning points tally. Also if you gain 2 thirds of the other teams score AND don't lose all your wickets then you get 3 points although it is still a losing draw. Simple 'aint it? (wibble) |1-Now for a little cricket jokeypoos... MAN: "Doctor, Doctor I was playing cricket and a got a cricket ball hit up my arse" DOCTOR: "Howzat" (How's that - translation) MAN: "Don't you bloody start as well" Another moan is that "I don't really understand all the different positions they are always referring to", moan bloody moan that is all I get ALL day from some people, I don't know. Aaahhh!!!! Now where was I, ah yes the positions. I will try and give a brief description of some of the trickier ones. |1-Slip This is where a fielder has to "Slip" on a banana skin as he takes a catch. You get double points if this is achieved. |1-Silly Point A fielder does a "Silly Point" when holding his belly in as he sees the above fielder doing a slip manouver and failing, much to the mirth of the batsman involved. |1-Long Leg The tallest player on the team usually gets this position as he has the longest legs. However another variation on this is one that sadly stopped being done after around the 14th century. Before that the Long leg position was filled by someone who had just had a session on the rack after confessing a hideously naughty thing what they did. |1-Square Leg If a player has an artificial limb in the shape of a rectangle and he uses it to walk with then he is known as "Square Leg". |1-Fine Leg This is awarded to any females adjudged from the boundary edge to have "Fine Legs" and gets to show them at the bar after the game. If she is plyed with enough drinks in the bar the man of the match gets to "Get his eye in" which speaks for itself. |1-Gully Occasionally when you are really short for players you can bring in animals in place. This one is really a coastal rule for seagulls rarely fly inland (unless there is a really good tip about). The gully position is filled by the seagull who when the ball comes to him catches it without it hitting the ground and therefore dismissing the batsmen. The only downfall to this is that usually the seabird flys off with the ball and swallows it whole as they are a right set of leeches. You have to be pretty desperate to employ this tactic. |1-Third Man A "Third Man" is employed when the woman with the fine legs gets a little out of hand and group sex is called for by her. There is no shortage of volunteers for this position, or any other position when the Fine Leg theory is applied. The phrase that has to be remembered at all times is "Up The Bum, No Babies" of course. |1-Wicketkeeper I will make this the last one with an explanation as I am running out of things to say about the various places on the field. This position is very important as being the owner and therefore keeper of the wickets it is imperative that he stays until the game is finished. It is all to frequent that the wicketkeeper makes his excuses to go home early for his tea for example when the other team is doing well and he has had his bat. Have you noticed that say for example Alec Stewart is England's wicketkeeper and also gets to bat first. That is because if he doesn't then he is not playing anymore and will go home in a sulk. Well I hope that this makes you if not change your mind at least make you think about it for a few seconds. The above article may have a few ever so slightly incorrect facts but then again only the peeps who know what cricket is all about will really know anyway. If that is the case then they can have a giggle at them as I did. Until next time folks I have just to say these few words "I hope that the ointment works this time Freak and that your rash goes away". |1- Pex le Sex / QuI Cheers