|2-Obscure rhymes








|1-By Mike / QI



All of these poems were completely made up by me.

I accept no responsibility for loss of sanity.




|1-A lovely day



                  Today is a lovely day, my dear
                  a day for pickles and jam,
                  and crisps and chocolate
                  and tizer and cheese
                  and salt and marzipan.

                  And packets of biscuits and chicken with sauce
                  and chinese style pork ribs with beans
                  with a can of sun-charm
                  diet cherryade
                  and fish-fingers, oven chips and peas.

                  And whole-wheat crackers, pistachio nuts
                  and toasted cheese butties and strings,
                  and bridges and frets
                  and notation and scales
                  with a set of fourteen violins

                  With a presto crescendo, a note in G sharp
                  and a book of bass guitar tabs
                  an amplified pickup
                  60 watts per channel
                  speakers, microphones and crabs

                  and scrofula, cancer, gonorreah and piles
                  with haemorrages, blood clots and rabies
                  and cataracts, itches
                  and ingrowing toenails
                  and atheletes foot and scabies

                  and headaches and tooth decay and wounds
                  and slipped discs and ulcers and cream
                  Today is ideal
                  for being alive
                  my life, my vision, my dream.


                                  THERE'S A HOLE IN MY BUCKET, DEAR LIZA
^5^^460
|1-A roll of sellotape



           What would it be like to be a roll of tape
           Imagine the things you'd be able to see
           interesting stuff like cardboard boxes,
           and a WHSmiths shelf or three.

           You'd be able to spy on people doing things
           because they wouldn't really know you were there
           you could watch Mrs jones buying a book of first class stamps
           you could see your next door neighbour baking her hair

           you could laugh as people put on their new ties,
           and struggle to make them look straight.
           You could see people checking the power specification on a
           lawnmower to see if it conforms with British standards BS 84

           You could make sure that Henry's tights didn't rip
           by pressing them together with a couple of staples
           you carefully constructed out of an old copy
           of "terminator" that you bought off a market in Naples.

           You'd be able to live by eating replicas of paintings
           by left-handed painters called Mark,
           and chew on the dew of a jew on the loo
           then puke it up afterwards, because your body is incapable of
           processing bodily fluids such as dew, as it reacts with the
           chemicals in your spleen and brings you out in a rash, so you
           have to stay in bed for days afterwards, eating nothing but
           jam on toast and drinking water - nothing else.  You need
           pure liquid you see.  Place in the oven on gas mark 4 for 30
           minutes, turning after 10 minutes, then lightly brush with a
           teaspoon full of virgin olive oil, put back into the oven for
           aproximately five minutes, then serve immediately.



|1-Chocolate



                Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate
                chocolate, chocolate, chocolatey choc
                choccie choccie blockie of chocolatey
                chocolate, chocolatey choc.



|1-it's like.....



             My feet are like pies -
             crusty on the edge with a hot, tasty filling on the inside

             Your life is like a tree -
             Covered in bark, with bit of leaves hanging down

             My brain is like a compact disc -
             silver and shiny with better sound quality than a record.

             Your dog is like Albert Einstein -
             Dead.




|1-Things I like 



           I sometimes like to lie back on my bed
           to count the number of ceiling tiles that have had bits
           torn out of them, it's quite satisfying really

           The other day, I was counting them, when a spider built a
           web from the ceiling to the wall which partially obscured
           my view
           I wondered if it was broken.

           I like to pick the crusty puss from out of my ingrowing
           toenail
           after I've been running, it tastes a bit salty, and smells
           a bit stuffy,
           but picking skin is my hobby

           I sometimes peel a bit too much off which makes my eyes water
           but it's worth it, because I get a lovely bit of flaky, tough
           skin that I can chew on for a while.

           I like to hide down side streets in the city and look at
           people doing their shopping.
           I sometimes make a game out of it by counting the diferent
           carrier bags

           Most of them are sainsbury's or asda or tesco, sometimes aldi
           or morrissons, safeway, netto or the co-op.  I like the
           crinkly ones
           that make a nice noise when you roll them up in a ball.

           I like to see if, when I belch, I can burp-speak the names of
           various european countries.
           Belgium is quite a nice word to burp, It rolls out of the
           back of my throat quite easily.

           I once belched "Switzerland" and my throat ached for days,
           because I'd forgotten to grease my throat with lard.
           It usually makes me sick, but I don't mind because I like
           puking.