I  am  writing  this article to honour that group of individuals without
whom,  society  would be a much crueler and harsher handmaiden (eh?).  I
am  of  course referring to adolescent schoolgirls.  If they were not so
blatantly  transparent  and easily impressed, I would have topped myself
years  ago - and I'm sure this is true for a great number of other young
men my age.

Let me hit you with a little imaginary (though all too common) scenario.
You're  walking  down the street after having been told by the object of
your  affections  that no she most certainly will not go out with you on
Saturday,   because   you're   an   ugly  twat  and  nobody  likes  you.
Contemplating  which  would  be the most appropriate form of suicide, as
you  take  being  turned  down  by  twelve  women  in a week to say that
something  is  severely  wrong with your ability to attract women.  When
suddenly...

|2-Suddenly...!






^9^^40
|1-"Hi there, Big Boy"


                    ...you  notice  that the young girl in front of you,
                    aged  about  sixteen,  keeps  turning around towards
                    you,   swiftly  turning  back  to  her  freind,  and
                    occasionally  giggling.   If  only  grown women were
                    like this!

                    Its  easy  to  attract  a  young lass like this, the
                    sheer  fact  that  you  are  older than her is a BIG
                    plus,  you're  not  playing  with  Whammer- Slammers
(TM),  like  all  the lads her age, you've probably got a car/motorbike,
and possibly a job (unless your name's Freak!), oh, and being tall helps
(sorry again, Freak!).  Furthermore, as part of my job (I'm an Optician,
dontcha-know!),  I  have  to  wear  a  suit,  boy  does  that  get  them
interested!?!

Sadly,  I  prefer  a woman who can at least remember when Spandau Ballet
were  last  in  the  charts  -  or least one who doesn't think that Gary
Barlow is a talented lyricist!

At  least  being  noticed  by someone vaguely feminine prevents you from
trying to kill yourself, until another twelve lasses tell you to sod off
anyhow!

Until  we  meet  in  mutual  nirvana, or until you read my next article,
whichever is the sooner...

|1-Aladdin Sane


                             (1974 - 199?)