Sad Gits, gather round its time for; |1-Aladdin Sane`s inimitable:- |2-Lurve |2-Emporium |1-Your path to true lurve! This issue we actually have some ads, so you can find your perfect partner... ...oh yeah, right, like you`re gonna! GET REAL!... ...and live in contented bliss for the rest of your days. Before we get to the nitty-gritty (titty-city!! HEY HAAY!!!), however, I would like to offer some advice on how you may (or may not, as the case may be!) like to structure your snivellingly pathetic pleas, ahem, er, personal descriptions. As these ads are absolutely FREE! ...YEAH! I`m doing this out of the goodness of my own heart, toiling away, with little or no recognition for the hours of slave labour I put in, to see that sad bastards (and bitches) can kid themselves into thinking they actually have a CHANCE with anyone of the opposite sex. AND IT IS SLAVE LABOUR, oh, its easy for YOU to say it doesn`t take much doing to write this article, week in week out, but YOU don`t have Freak standing over you, cracking the whip - HEY! that`s worth thinking about! PHOOOWAAAR! - My complete selflessness should be rewarded I say. Soon as some gorgeous birds write in, I`m nicking one-or-two as a kind of reward for all my hard work in giving pathetic little social non-starters like you lot the chance to have ANY kind of sexual relations. ...oh, er, sorry about that, regular readers of the column will doubtless know that I have some trouble maintaining my concentration, which I have to do, or my "alter-ego" tends to pop out... ...YOU BETCHA!!! HA HAAA, you`re going DOWN you little shite, I will rule this body of ours and then the debauchery will go on FOREVER !!!!!!!!!!... ...Oh, dear! As I was saying, these adverts are free, so it makes sense to take advantage of this... ...I`D rather take advantage of some poor, unsuspecting female, HA HAAAA!... ...and make your entries (oo-er!)... ...WE did that joke a couple of issues ago, sad bastard... ...as lengthy as possible, THAT`S IT! I am not going to stand for this blatant use of smutty suggestion, innuendo... ...isn`t that a brand of spanish suppository?... ...and blatant use of double-entendre! While my "darker side" may be accustomed to such vulgarity... ...YOU BET, bum, tit, nipple, fanny, knickers, bra, basque, clitoris, tally-whacker, scrotum... (tally-whacker??? Pex) ...THAT`S ENOUGH!... ...Botty, trump, bottie-burp, fanny-fart, mars bar... ...If we can continue. Your articles can be of any size, but obviously the larger the better, oh no!... ...WAY HEY!!!!!... ...therefore, you are free to include anything you want, poetry, song lyrics... ...FRIGGIN` in the RIGGIN`, FRIGGIN` in the RIGGIN`... ...but nothing too rude, please!... ...boobies, wank, blow job, panties... ...and now, to the adverts that we have so far! |2-SAD GITS! |1-Part 1: TARTS ^9^^505 Hi, I`m a twenty-year old sales assistant from Lewesham, keen on spending fun nights in and out... ...WEY HAAY! We`ve got a bit of a goer here, lads. GRAB HER!... ...I`m 5`8" tall with a 36-30-34 figure and am looking for a guy around 20-25... ...That`s me in... ...tall... ...yup, that`s me all right!... ...whose handsome, muscular and well-tanned... ...BUGGER!!!... ...a photo would be appreciated! ...What did I say a couple of issues ago about being BLATANTLY shallow? REF: Girlie 01 Raving nymphomaniac seeks 10-12 guys for several nights of wild abandon... ^26^^26 ...We`ll skip this one, she`s obviously as desperate as buggery to go for the old "raving nympho" bit (just make a note of her number though!) REF: Girlie 02 A young Lauren Bacall seeks her own personal Humphrey Bogart, if you want me, just whistle. You know how to whistle, don`t you Steve? You just put your lips together an blow! ...Cute use of that well-worn line from "To have and have-not", anybody looking for their "Slim"? Maybe you want to help her find the Maltese Falcon, if so, quote REF: Girlie 03 |1-Potential Rapists Knight is slightly-tarnished armour, seeks damosel in distress... ...but, preferably, NO dress... ...to while away those lonely nights at the castle. ...SAD BASTARD, quote REF: Boyee 01 A Postman Pat is looking for his Jess, for rampant shagging sessions, must be alive, but no other criteria need be fulfilled. ...Ha, my kind of bloke (I assume its a bloke, lasses just aren`t that sick!), quote REF: Boyee? 02 I am 21, 6`2", slim (-ish), with few bad habits (if you don`t count the Satanism) looking for A GIRL! That`s it, I`m THAT desperate! OH, GO ON! PLEASE GO OUT WITH ME! PLEEEAAASE! ...Oh dear! Quote REF: SAD 03 That`s quite enough for one issue, until we next share our little niche in oblivion... Ever and Always Aladdin Sane (1974 - 199?)