Oh No!  Its Aladdin Sane's time-of-the-month...

Yes, watch out, 'cos I'm in season!  Presenting...



|1-The



|2-Lurve Emporium






|2-IV







                   or, Pro-Celebrity Lurve Emporium!

This week/month/year/millennia (its hard for me to tell how long its
been since you read the last L.E. - one of the perils of writing for a
DISK-ZINE (Ooh!  What a gorgeous word, full of buttery wholesomeness!)
anyhow, on with the doobery!) we will be partaking of a special edition
of Lurve Emporium, in which we investigate what chat-up lines certain
"Celebs" use when picking up prostitutes (hence, PRO-Celebrity - what an
appalling excuse for a completely shit play on words, never mind eh?  ON
WITH THE SHOW!)

|1-Bernard Matthews



"Do you like Turkey?  Suck this, it's fowl!"



|1-Jeremy Clarkson (of Top Gear)



"Do you drive?  Park yourself on this, then?"



|1-Jimmy Saville



"Do you like jewelry?  Suck this, it's a gem!"



|1-Bob Hoskins



"It's good to pork!"



I'm bored of this now (well, I've run out of ideas, anyhow!), and so we
go on to the second part of this issue's Lurve Emporium, which - in a
MASSIVE break from tradition - involves my having a whinge at stuff that
doesn't particularly annoy me but which allows me to make loads of jokes
about nobs, tits, poo, wee-wee, knickers and clitorises (or is that
clitori?)

My whinge is...

|2-Why..?







        Why do women insist that it is dead hard to attract men?

Personally, if any lass walked up to me and said;

"Bed?"

then, sounding uncannily like Muttley (Dick Dastardley's dog), I would
exclaim;

"Yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh, yeh..."

Now that doesn't exactly sound difficult to me.

NB:     Notice the clever use of the word "difficult" instead of "hard",
        in order to avoid childish sniggers!

'Til we meet again, don't know where, don't know when.  But I know we'll
meet again some sunny day.  Keep smiling through, just like you always
do.  'Til the blue skies send the dark clouds far away!

(Oops!  Lapsed into Vera Lynn mode, there!  Never mind, don't think
anybody noticed!)

Aladdin Sane
(1974 - 199?)