Copyright Henry Coles 1992

|1-EXCLUSIVE.



At last the world is beginning to realise the horrific reality - for the
past  20  years  aliens  have  been infiltrating our planet by snatching
ordinary  computer  users  like you and me and replacing them with exact
replicas.  The method is mind bogglingly simple.  The aliens use the low
level  UHF  radio  waves  produced  by  our machines to lock in a simple
Particle  Diffusion  Vacuum, which they then use to dismantle our bodies
at an atomic level and bounce the particles off the natural satellite of
our moon.  An exact replica of the user is then made and teleported back
in place of the user in a matter of minutes.

The  question  you're probably asking yourself is why?  Well if I was an
alien  I  think  I'd  find  it  pretty  darn  fascinating  to kidnap and
replicate  humans, wouldn't you?  Of course they also have the motive of
world domination which they look set to soon achieve.  Twenty years is a
long  time,  and  in  it  they have been able to penetrate all levels of
society  (Yes  the  dear old Queen Mum is in fact a blood sucking zombie
from the planet X!!!).  For years they've been using their doppelgangers
to  bring  to  Earth fiendish devices designed to sap the human will and
mind.   I  speak of course of MSDOS, and worse still the Amiga operating
system.

        How to tell if you are an Alien.

Obviously,  for  the  sake  of  national  security  it is vital that you
discover  whether or not you are an alien replica (otherwise how will we
know  who  to  shoot at?).  There are several simple tests, in each case
the  second  answer indicates that you are in fact an evil face clinging
monster from planet X.

1)  When you look at the stars at night do you 
a   Think `How lovely.'  
b   Have a sudden strong urge to conquer it.

2)  Do you sleep in 
a   A bed  
b   A cocoon hanging from your ceiling?

3)  When you meet a nice woman/man at a party do you 
a   Try and get their phone number  
b   Inject them with venom from your teeth and take over their mind.

4)  Is your favourite colour
a   Anything but Ultra Violet or Infra Red
b   Ultra Violet or Infra Red

5)When you urinate is it 
a   Larger coloured 
b   Florescent pink

6)  Is your favorite TV programme
a   Northern Exposure
b   The Sky At Night

7)  A beautiful woman/man invites you back to his/her flat. Do you
a   Jump on him/her and salivate in their ear.
b   Jump on him/her and salivate in their ear.

8)  When given a banana do you
a   Eat it.
b   Attempt to stuff it in your ear.

9)  Do you think that Star Trek is
a   A pretty good laugh if you're bored.
b   A  gross  misrepresentation  of  Alien  species,  liable to cause
    ethnic tension.

10) Is your idea of fun
a   A good party.
b   Intergalactic conquest.


                    What to do if you are an Alien.

Well  you  obviously have no choice but to commit immediate suicide.  Of
course  being  an Alien this won't be as easy for you as for the rest of
us.   You  won't  be able to gas yourself as you're used to breathing in
atmospheres  composed  mainly of Sulphuric Acid Vapour, Carbon Monoxide,
and  Hydrogen  Cyanide.  There's no point in shooting yourself as you're
impervious  to bullets.  No the only real way to get rid of yourself for
good  is  to bring yourself into contact with water which will obviously
kill you.  So go take a nice hot shower and watch your body melt and run
down the plug hole.

Big Hard One Import
End