$ffeDaniel Thornton AKA Toffee Boy Presents... $ffb|1-An analysis of $fb9|1-TV presenters $ffdFirstly, an admission: This article is based around another article that I did once, and it appeared in TW17. It shouldn`t really matter though, because while the other article was my own idea for an awards ceremony (the Mediocrity Awards), this is just simply my own categories for TV presenters. $fffDisclaimer: $effThis article is not meant to offend anyone, it is merely a brilliant spoof created by a great mind. It is not meant to be an exhaustive account of all the types of presenters, and many presenters may fit into different categories. If anyone wants to update or add to this article, then they are welcome to, as long as they keep my logo in the top left corner. But why would they want to change genius? $fb8|1-Type one: $bf0|1-The Presenter For $af0|1-All Occasions $ff0The Presenter For All Occasions (TPFAO) is a strange breed. Their presenting style doesn`t really lend itself to any particular genre, which means that they are perfect fodder for TV executives who need a famous, yet ultimately bland presenter for their new, bland show. TPFAO usually spends its formative years in the doldrums of GMTV or daytime TV before being promoted to the dizzying heights of a low budget, low ratings special somewhere after the News At Ten. If they are succesful in this late-night spot, the TV company will remember their name and wheel them out as the emergency presenter for their latest crap show. However little knowledge they have of the subject of the show they will be presenting is, TPFAO will gladly accept the challenge and subsequently muddle through the show by grinning inanely into the camera or glowing a strange shade of orange after they have used too much sun tan cream to make themselves look bronzed. Notable entries: $affEammon Holmes - GMTV, Oddballs, How Do They Do That? etc. Genial Eammon is ITV`s top choice for their worst schedule fillers. After cutting his teeth in the cutthroat world of breakfast television, he has graduated to a number of grannies favourite shows. Carol Smillie - The National Lottery Midweek, everything else Carol graduated from daytime TV to become the presenter of the midweek lottery draw. Her strangely white teeth and huge grinning mouth have scared so many small children with their unnatural features that more children now hide behind the sofa when this show comes on than even in Doctor Who`s scariest episodes. Carol Vordermann - Countdown, Every BBC show Another Carol, but sshe took a different route to fame... from humble beginnings as the human calculator on Countdown, she soon started taking every presenting job going on the BBC. She was sacked from Tomorrows World. Unpertubed, she went on to present numerous shows on the paranormal and computers. Currently lurking around the midweek lottery show with the Smillie woman. $9f0|1-Type two: $faf|1-Smug Git $ff9Smug Git is usually aged between 25 and about 50. Smug Git is also usually greasy, fat or short. He usually will have been in other highly skilled jobs before becoming a presenter, but he will have been crap at it. The strangest thing about Smug Git is that they have very little to be smug about. This makes us watch their shows to see the pathetic ones squirming their way through it. This of course does not apply to all Smug Gits, some can present quite well. Most can't. Notable entries: $affClive Anderson - Whose line is it anyway?, All Talk, Talks Back etc. Clive Anderson is the most famous Smug Git. A failed lawyer, he went on to present a good improvisation show and a chat show on Channel Four. He later transferred his chat show to BBC1, and it's format did not change at all. Most recently, the BeeGees saw that they were dealing with a Smug Git and walked off his show Noel Edmonds - Noel's House Party, Swap Shop, Christmas Presents... Noel Edmonds, ex Radio One DJ and kids TV show now owns a TV production company to allow him to inflict his awful brand of humour upon us. The fact that his main show is no longer funny does not occur to him, and he continues to present it in the way that he has done since 1990. He cancelled his own show 24 hours before it was due to go out last week. It was replaced with a 50 minute `best of` show...irony anyone? $eff|1-Type Three: $bff|1-Childrens BBC presenter $af0When Zoe Ball was on TFI Friday a while back, Chris Evans asked the question we all wanted to know...Why do all CBBC presenters look camp? Don`t believe me...Name one of them who doesn`t look like one of Dale Winton`s `special` friends. This category doesn`t really need any notable entries, as every single one of them falls into the category, and I`m not about to write about every presenter. Unless I get really bored. Then you`d be in trouble... $effOK, I think that`s quite enough for now. If anyone wants to add some, do so. I know that there are lots more out there, it`s just I`ve got some more articles to edit, and it`s late at night. T0ffee B0y $fffend