|2-More Jelly please...







                    The Story of Aladdin Sane`s life

|1-Part one:   Humble beginnings



Unlike most of the other humanoid beings that I have observed in this
sector of the galaxy, I was not actually "born".  Instead, on the 16th
of January, 1974, I crawled out from under a rock and immediately began
my drive for world domination (well actually I was run over by some
lamer in an Austin Allegro!).

Throughout my early childhood, I was constantly on the run from the
Child-Protection Authorities, as I mistakenly believed that they
intended to force me to join the Bay-City Rollers (the truth was they
would have forced me to join the Bolivian 2nd Battalion of Foot (close,
but no cigar!).

As a child in school, though I excelled in my studies, I was generally
despised by my fellows.  To this day I have no clue as to the cause of
this estrangement.  Many is the hour I would sit in the corner of the
playground, caressing my small, curved horns and absent-mindedly
stretching my bat-like, membranous wings!

Puberty proved to be a very difficult time for both myself, and my new
found friends.  So much so in fact that I went to see a counsellor, to
help me straighten my emotions out and so I could regain control of my
rampaging hormones.  She told me I would have been experiencing some
strange, new urges and that I should not be scared of them but should
learn to accept them.  I complimented her on her observation and told
her that I had, indeed, had urges to rip the still-beating hearts from
the bodies of young virgins and suckle every last drop of potent blood
while their fresh corpses lay twitching on the floor beneath my feet.
Sadly, the counsellor no longer saw me after that day, just as I felt I
was benefitting from the time I had spent with her!

My middle teens were a source of constant emotional trauma for me, as
strange as it may seem, I was never looked upon as a good-looking lad.
In fact, girls would positively shy away from me.  Those I did manage to
start relationships with seemed to be uninterested in my hobbies and
interests, such as self-mutilation, torture, the ritual slaughter of
innocents, and train-spotting.

Fortunately, around the age of eighteen, I blossomed into the gorgeously
handsome and debonaire rock god that you all love and worship (even the
lads do, if they would only admit it to themselves!).  Sadly, my
unpopularity during childhood affected more than I would like to admit
and I tended to take out my pent-up rage on my girlfriends at that time,
but I feel better about it now and it can no longer hurt me, as I`ve
buried the bodies where no-one will ever find them!

Shortly after I had finally rid myself of my deep-rooted psychoses, I
put myself onto the job market.  I was eventually hired by Vidal
Sassoon, in an effort to put some life back into his tired hair and
beauty business.  It was at this point at which I came up with a new
hair-cair product combining shampoo AND conditioner!  Once I had earned
the undying gratitude of Vidal, or "Vee" as I used to call him, not to
mention saving the world from the indignity of taking two bottles into
the shower, Vee informed me that he was going to title the product
"Clean your hair and then evacuate", I suggested that something like
"Wash `n` Go" might be better.  After this success, I moved into the
advertising business.

I was given the job of promoting Commodore`s (remember them ?) Amiga
computer, ready for the Christmas rush.  Praying to Jim Morrison for
guidance, I saw in a hazy vision a billboard outside Sega UKHQ reading

"To be This good will take Sega ages!"

At this point, I felt I would like to enlist in Her Majesty`s Armed
Forces.  I applied to the Army, but they said I was too intelligent, I
applied to the Navy, but they said I was too Sexy (The WRENS wouldn`t be
able to handle it (oo-er)), and I applied to the RAF, but changed my
mind because I just don`t look good in blue!

My Pop career was also an ASTOUNDING success!  I was originally
approached by Blur, but they were too middle of the road for me, so I
suggested they contact Damon AllBran (I know who I mean!), he`s not as
popular with young girls as I am, but I told them he would do!

All the good bands I could think of were, sadly, defunct, The Spiders
from Mars, The Mothers of Invention, Kajagoogoo, but I finally settled
on Wet Wet Wet, I gave Marti Pellow a holiday, swallowed a load of Ugly
Pills (TM) so I would look like him for a while, and sang an old,
relatively unknown song called Love is All Around.  That`s why Marti`s
so pissed off about that song, `cos it was me singing the bloody thing!

Just after this shitty song of sanctimonious succatrash (try saying THAT
three times fast after 20 schnapps!) I was offered a contract with Guild
Publishing of London for a series of Fantasy/Sci-Fi novels, but I saw
Freak in Grimsby and he looked so sad and dejected (this is Pre-Elly,
remember!) so I decided to give that up and write for him instead (`cos
he`s got a lovely Bum!)

In the immortal words of Jim Morrison,

"Her cunt gripped him like a warm, friendly hand"

er, that`s not quite appropriate for this article, how about,

"Come on along, not going very far, to the East, to meet the Czar!"

well, not really, one more try,

"I need a bath"

Oh shit,

As Ever,

Aladdin Sane
(1974 - 199?)

End